No Chains Holding Me
by Headbanger Rockstar
Summary: Chained Aftermath. Tony struggles to remember the events in the cabin. Was he raped? Warning: Nonconsensual sex, violence, drug use, angst. Gibbs/Tony. Chapter 37 & Beyond-Reference to Childhood Sexual Abuse. Content may be disturbing to some readers. Not recommended for young readers. WIP RATED M.
1. Uncertainty

**Disclaimer:** I only own the post-episode idea.  
><strong>Warning: Non-consensual sex, violence, angst, slash, and mentions of drug use<br>**_Major spoilers for Chained_

**No Chains Holding Me  
><strong>By Headbanger Rockstar

**Chapter One: Uncertainty**

Gibbs thought his gut might never unclench as he sped down the road, heading towards the storage facility. Horrible thoughts raced through his head and he hoped to any god in the universe that he would be in time to assist his senior agent…his lover…his partner…who was in the car…with a serial killer and no idea.

Beside him, Kate's mouth was in a tight line, her pretty features marred by fear, worry, and…something else. Something feral, something urgent, something that Gibbs knew would inflict a terrible wrath upon anyone who hurt her friend.

"There's the storage facility," Kate said, pointing her finger off to the right. With her muscles already pulled drum tight there was no reason for her to brace herself as the car suddenly swerved.

Gibbs raced through the rows of buildings with screeching tires; he hoped it would be a siren's call to Tony, letting him know that Gibbs was there, he was on his six, he was coming for his boy.

Kate suddenly pointed again, indicating what he'd already seen.

"There's the car!"

Gibbs rolled to a stop behind the blue sedan, just as a dark colored sedan pulled up head on. Nodding at Kate, he carefully drew his weapon and approached the driver side of the car. Kate moved to the other car and began apprehending the buyers.

Gibbs' breath caught in his throat and he swallowed hard as he drew nearer to the car. There was blood all over the back window…a glance inside and Gibbs saw Jeffrey White, dead, sprawled on the back seat. Another step forward and Gibbs gasped softly. There was Tony.

He was slumped, his chin dipped low against his chest and in his lap there was a gun, fingers still wrapped around the handle…and shaking, ever so slightly, as he sat in the driver's seat.

It was the only sign of life inside the car.

Gibbs carefully opened the door, his weapon still at half mast, his eyes searching carefully, trying to understand every tiny detail about the scene before him.

Tony looked up suddenly and the emotion on his face nearly broke Gibbs' heart.

"I really liked him," Tony said softly. The stress and tension was audible in Tony's voice.

Gibbs needed to do something, to say something, to help Tony. He needed to fix this. But, a part of him knew that there was no easy fix for this. So, for now, he'd slap a bandaid over the wound and later they would figure it all out together.

"Yeah," Gibbs said softly, carefully eyeing the body in the back seat. "Yeah I can see that."

Tony's eyes widened for a moment and hurt mixed with confusion leaked into his eyes. Gibbs knelt down to his level.

"It doesn't look like he suffered Tony," he said gently. "You did good."

Tony blinked and he nodded slowly. "I…he…" he mumbled softly, his words were slow, he was in shock. He dragged his free hand over the shallow cut on his throat and drew it away, gazing at the blood on his fingers.

"Come on Tony," Gibbs said softly. "Let's get you out of the car, come on."

Kate appeared at his side with an evidence bag that Gibbs took from her and held out. "Put the gun in the bag Tony," he instructed his agent. He glanced sideways at Kate and knew she understood his silent instructions.

Tony's movements were slow and sluggish as he held the gun out and dropped it in the bag. Gibbs supported Tony with one hand under his elbow and another hand under his shoulder as Tony slowly rose from the car. The instant he was on his feet, Tony's knees buckled and he started to fall, but Gibbs caught him.

"Ok easy," Gibbs was saying softly in Tony's ear. "I've got you, let me help you, it's ok now, it's all over, you're safe, it's ok." It was like a mantra in the younger man's ear and he whimpered softly and tried to turn away from the reassurances only to stumble again.

"Did you call Ducky, Kate?"

"Yes Gibbs," she said. "He and Palmer are on their way, should be here shortly."

"Hear that? Ducky and Jimmy are coming. I want Ducky to take a look at you when he gets here, alright?"

Tony shook his head and moved his lips slowly, no sound escaping them. Finally he spoke and his voice was hoarse. "Ch…" he stopped and cleared his throat, "Check White first. Needs a doctor."

Gibbs thought his heart might break at the defeat he heard in his agent's voice. "Don't think a doctor can help him now Tony," he said softly, and he guided Tony to sit in the passenger seat of his car.

Tony looked up at him with sorrowful eyes and blinked away tears that suddenly appeared. Gibbs wrapped his arm around Tony's shoulder and pulled him close before he even registered what he was doing. He rested his chin on top of Tony's head and ran a soothing hand over the younger man's back. "Gonna be alright," he murmured. "Gonna be alright."

xxx

It wasn't long before Ducky and Palmer showed up. They had managed to not get lost for a change, much to Gibbs' relief. He'd spoken with Ducky several different times in the past few minutes, asking questions about things like letting Tony have some water or letting him doze off—which he'd been unable to prevent.

Ducky left Palmer to get the stretcher for Jeffrey and carried his aged, black leather medical bag toward the blue NCIS issue car sitting behind the older model blue car.

"Jethro?" Ducky looked around him. "Where is…ah there…oh my dear Anthony," he said softly, opening the driver side door when he saw Tony curled up on the back seat. Gibbs had realized Tony was falling asleep and he'd helped him carefully move into the back of the sedan. Not much more comfortable, but he could at least curl up there. Ducky carefully knelt next to Tony's head. He moved with caution, aware of the frame of mind his friend typically was in once he came off of an undercover operation; he didn't want to scare the younger man.

"Anthony can you hear me? It's Ducky," the older man said softly as he pulled back the blanket Gibbs had covered Tony with to examine him carefully. Tony stirred and blinked his eyes open slowly. Neither Ducky nor Gibbs missed the momentary look of pure terror on his face before Tony relaxed.

"Ducky?"

"Right here dear boy," Ducky said gently. "Can you sit up? I'd like to have a look at you."

"'m tired," Tony said softly. "Jus' wanna sleep."

"You can rest once I've checked you over. It will take us a couple of hours to get back to Washington, I'm sure you'll be able to rest for a good bit of that."

Tony was silent as Ducky gently checked Tony's vitals. Once Ducky gave him the go ahead, he curled back up on the seat and Gibbs covered him again. He stood up once he was finished and looked to his friend.

"Well?"

"I believe that Anthony is mostly fine."

"Mostly?"

"Ehh…yes. Mostly fine. I believe something may have happened that Anthony has not told us about."

"You have that feeling too, eh?"

Ducky nodded. "I would like him to have some lab work done so we can make sure that there are no drugs or substances in his system. I will draw it now, and have Abigail check it once we arrive back home."

Gibbs nodded and gently shook Tony awake again. "Ducky needs to take a blood sample," he said softly when Tony opened his eyes. Tony shook his head and tried to back away, groaning in frustration when he had nowhere to go.

"Don' wanna," he said. Tony looked around with bleary eyes until his gaze rested on his boss. "Please don't make me…please?"

"I'm sorry Tony," Gibbs said, really meaning it. "I wish there was some other way, but we have to make sure you are alright. Completely alright. It won't take him but a second."

Ducky knelt in front of Tony while Gibbs rounded the back of the car and climbed into the back seat behind his agent. Thinking to offer a measure of comfort, and not knowing exactly what had transpired in the car, Gibbs gently wrapped an arm over Tony's collarbone across his chest, and pulled him back solidly against Gibbs' own chest, squeezing ever so slightly.

_A Short Time Ago…_

_Tony grimaced when he felt the arm cross in front of his collarbone, squeezing ever so slightly, and urging his body to press flush against the seat. _

"_It doesn't have to be like this Jeffrey," Tony spoke softly, grimly, in the car. "I'm a federal agent."_

"_I know," Jeffrey said. Tony felt Jeffrey's other hand hovering near his other shoulder. _

_There was a glinting twinkle of light, a moment where the blade of the knife at his shoulder caught the afternoon sun and Tony flinched ever so slightly. His fingers tightened around the handle of the gun; he knew he'd be too late, but was powerless to do anything about it. _

_At least he'd go down fighting._

_End Flashback_

"NO!" Tony screamed suddenly, his entire body bristled so quickly that he nearly dumped Gibbs out of the car when he lurched backwards. "Get away! Leave me alone!"

He covered his face with his hands and Tony lurched forward as quickly as he'd flung himself backwards. He looked like a car crash test dummy—hurdling forwards and backwards at neck breaking speed.

"Easy Anthony. Easy dear boy. You are among friends here. You are safe. Look up here. Look at me," Ducky's voice was calm in one ear, warring against the gruff voice of his boss in the other.

"I've got you Tony, you're safe. It's Gibbs and Duck, you're safe. Dammit DiNozzo quit fighting us. It's alright now. White can't hurt you now, it's over Tony he can't hurt you anymore."

Together they managed to get the young man mostly calm, and for the moment the blood sample was forgotten. It was quite obvious that something dreadful had happened to their beloved Tony, this post traumatic stress was both sudden and heartbreaking.

The sound of harsh, sobbing breaths filled the air and Gibbs shifted himself and Tony so Tony could lean against his chest until he'd calmed.

"Got you now," Gibbs murmured. He ran a hand through his lover's hair with an almost desperate urgency to make things right. "You're safe now I've got you. No one's going to hurt you."

"Gibbs," Tony's voice held a note of pleading, but what he was begging for, Gibbs couldn't be sure.

"It's alright now. Just relax. I've got your six. No one's going to hurt you."

It took several minutes, but finally Tony slumped against Gibbs, eyes shut, totally spent. He didn't react when Ducky carefully touched Tony's wrist to measure his pulse.

"Think he wore himself out," Gibbs commented.

"It was bound to happen," Ducky said softly. "The poor boy's been through a horrible ordeal."

Gibbs nodded. "Want to try for the blood test again?"

Ducky thought for a moment then nodded. "I hate to do it, but with many chemical substances, time is of great importance. The sooner we get the sample, the likelier we will be to identify anything that this monster may have given our boy, Jethro."

Gibbs let out a long breath and nodded. He knew Ducky was right. He just didn't want to upset Tony again. "I think it was me who upset him last time," Gibbs said softly. "Something happened—someone came up behind Tony and attacked him while he wasn't expecting it…I think White was trying to hurt Tony in the car…could explain why Tony reacted the way he did."

Ducky nodded and picked up Tony's arm gently. As he moved, Tony shifted, and the small cut on his neck was revealed.

"Jethro, did you see this cut on his neck?"

"No, where?"

Ducky gently angled Tony's head so Gibbs could see the mark. Kate suddenly approached. "I found a large kitchen type knife in the backseat of the car Gibbs," she reported. "Not sure, but it looks kind of like White may have tried to attack Tony before…well you know," she finished softly.

Ducky and Gibbs nodded. Yes, that explained a great deal of Tony's behavior. "Good work Kate," Gibbs said. "Finish processing the scene and get a wrecker out here to tow the car back to Abby."

"On it Gibbs," Kate said softly, never taking her eyes off of Tony. After a moment she walked away, her body tight with tension.

Gibbs examined the cut on Tony's neck closer. "Duck will you photograph this for me? I have no doubts that IA will be all over this once we get back…having the cut documented will just make things easier for Tony."

"Agreed," Ducky said, carefully photographing the wound on his young friend's neck.

Tony blinked his eyes open slowly as Ducky prepared to draw the blood sample.

"Dear boy," Ducky said softly. "I am going to take a small blood sample. I am unwrapping this brand new syringe at this moment as you can see," he continued, showing Tony how he was opening a new packet. "There is nothing here that will hurt you, but it is of great importance that we make sure you are free from chemical influences," the old doctor said.

Tony looked up at Gibbs, who was still holding him securely against his chest, but in a way that was much less restrictive.

"Think…I think someone drugged me," Tony said after a moment. "Everything's been kind of fuzzy since last night," he mumbled.

"All the more reason for us to do this. Just a small prick," Ducky said. Tony shut his eyes and turned his face towards Gibbs' chest as Ducky carefully drew the vial of blood from his arm. "There we are," the doctor said as he finished. "All done now."

"We're gonna need to get your statement Tony, but you can rest first," Gibbs said softly. "I'm going to take you home with me and you can get a shower, wash all that shit out of your hair, and we'll get you a decent meal and a bed. How's that sound?"

"Can I have a beer?"

Gibbs smiled and looked questioningly at Ducky. "I think that tonight it may be better for you to stick to clearer, non-alcoholic beverages. Juice, Gatorade, water, things that will be easy on the system might bode better for you tonight."

Tony nodded and didn't move from Gibbs' gentle, careful embrace. Once the scene was finished, Kate came back to the car.

"We're all finished up Boss," she said, watching Tony sleep. "You ready to head back?"

Gibbs nodded. "You drive," he said softly. "I'm gonna sit back here with DiNozzo."

Kate smirked sadly. "You're really worried about him aren't you?"

Gibbs shook his head. "No reason to worry now. He's back where he belongs and I can keep an eye on him. He's going to be fine. Take it easy going back though; he needs to get some rest."

Kate nodded, the smirk fading into a look of concern, and slipped into the driver seat. She carefully maneuvered the car out onto the highway and glanced in her rearview mirror. Tony was cradled gently over Gibbs' lap, his head resting in the crook of Gibbs' arm and chest, sleeping from the looks of it. Her boss was rocking him back and forth gently, cheek pressed to Tony's forehead, eyes watching his senior field agent carefully, monitoring him closely as he slept.

Kate shook her head and returned her gaze to the road. If there was anyone on the planet who could soften the heart of the grizzly former marine, it was Tony DiNozzo.

She wondered if he knew it.

xxx

Back at NCIS, Gibbs got Ducky to help him move Tony into his car. "I will have Abby run the blood sample and let the Director know what has happened. Once I finish up here I will head your way to check on Anthony again. In the mean time, should something happen, don't hesitate to either call me or take him to the emergency room."

Gibbs nodded and glanced over at his partner. He was sound asleep, slumped against the seatbelt and the window, lips slightly parted.

"He's going to be alright Jethro," Ducky said softly. "You got to him in time. He's safe now."

"Did I?" Gibbs asked. "We don't know what they gave him. Could be anything. What if they…"

"If they did…if it shows up in his blood that he was given the sort of drug to aid any type of…non consensual activity, I will let you know and we will go from there."

Ducky stared at the older man, seeing the emotions playing so vividly across his face.

"Your partner is safe Jethro," he said again. "We will all get through this together. The two of you aren't alone."

Gibbs glanced around to make sure no one was watching or listening. "How long have you known?"

"Long enough," Ducky said. "Go on now. Go home and help your lover heal. I will call you later."

xxx

_The Night Before…_

_Tony recalled being in the cabin after he'd shared the drink with White and his buddy. He remembered clearly how fuzzy headed he felt, how he knew something wasn't right…he felt like he was being tested…they were testing his loyalty…or trying to see if he'd blow his cover._

_They'd drugged him. The drink was drugged._

_Fingers traced over his body as he laid there, eyes barely open, barely conscious. Where were his clothes? He'd been wearing clothes…_

"_Muh," he mumbled. His mouth felt as though it were filled with cotton batting. "M-m'clothes," he slurred softly._

"_They got wet Tony. You remember don't you? We fell in the creek. I took off your clothes so they can dry. Don't want you to catch a cold, after all," the voice said._

_He felt something else then…something warm wrapping around his limp penis…something squeezing it gently, waking it up slowly, drawing it to life…_

"_W-Why're…doing this…" Tony slurred, trying desperately to understand the warmth of the body pressing against him, the unfamiliar sensation of a stranger's hand wrapping around his most intimate parts, fighting the surge of arousal that shot through his groin._

"_HEY!" Called another voice. "When's it gonna be my turn?"_

_Tony blinked then, trying to understand what was happening. "White? J-Jeffrrrrrrey…w-what y'doing?"_

"_Shhhh I'm making you feel good," Jeffrey said and Tony felt warm lips press against the side of his neck. "You like it," Jeffrey mumbled against his skin, sending another surge of arousal through his groin._

"_Don' do this," Tony begged then…he couldn't betray Gibbs like this, but he couldn't blow his cover…he couldn't let Jeffrey do this…_

"_Shhhh I can see how much you like it," Jeffrey crooned in his ear. "I know you love this," he whispered against his skin, sending hot shivers through his spine. He felt something wet slide over his half hard cock and groaned. _

"_N-nooooooo," Tony moaned. "Noooo s-stopppp…p-pl'ssseeee…pleaseeee stoppp."_

_But Jeffrey didn't stop…instead he continued on, sucking harder and deeper each time…drawing an orgasm closer and closer to fruition. _

_He stopped though, just before Tony came. Jeffrey pulled his lips away from Tony's now straining erection and smiled wolfishly up at him._

"_Gonna fuck you now…Gonna fuck you over good…just like you wanna do me," Jeffrey said softly. Tony blinked, trying to understand, when suddenly Jeffrey slid into his deepest and most private of areas. He used no lube, instead choosing to fuck him dry, and the pain nearly drew Tony out of his stupor. Jeffrey's partner in crime was suddenly standing over him, an equally evil smile on his face._

"_Give him some more," Jeffrey grunted as he fucked the undercover agent. "Don't want him to remember this fully later on…maybe like a bad dream…but ya can't convict on a bad dream," he said and both men laughed. _

"_Don't use him all up," Lane suddenly said. "I want to get my turn."_

"_I told you that he's mine," White snapped. "You wanna fuck someone go find your own!"_

_Tony merely laid on the bed, drugged into a stupor as the two men fought over claim for his body. White pulled out of Tony and left him laying bare and exposed on the bed, while he went after Lane. _

_The next morning when the drugs had worn off and Tony finally blinked his eyes open, he rubbed weary fingers over his crusty eyelids and tried to understand what had happened._

"_Lane left," Jeffrey said from where he was sitting on the bed beside Tony. "We fought over you last night and he left. Now we've got to hurry."_

_Tony nodded slowly and sat up. He glanced down at his clothes, wondering if what had taken place the night before was only in his dreams or if it had been real. Standing up, he groaned in pain when he moved and he looked at White._

"_Anything else happen last night? Feel like I've been beaten," Tony groused. _

"_You're probably just sore from where we rolled down the hill and landed on the rocks in the creek," Jeffrey said softly, reassuringly. "Everything is fine, Tony," he said. "Nothing happened."_

_Tony was still groggy enough to let it go. White was probably right. Tony was probably just sore from the fall…_

xxx

Gibbs hadn't drifted far from Tony's side since he'd carried the younger man in the house. Laying on the couch, Tony looked even worse for wear than he had before. Gibbs wanted to wake him up, but also knew that he needed the rest. So Gibbs sat on the recliner and watched his lover sleep.

It was only seconds after the wincing and twisting and mumbling began, that Gibbs all but leapt from the chair and rushed to his lover's side. What the hell had they done to him?

The first thing Tony heard was someone softly calling his name. "Tony, come on Tony, wake up, come on now…"

Not ready to face reality yet, Tony pressed his eyes closed and turned his head away from the voice.

"Come on Sweetheart," the voice said, a little more insistently. "Open those eyes for me."

Tony recognized that voice. It was gruff, but underlined with tenderness…tenderness reserved especially for him.

"Buh," he moaned. "Jeh…"

"Right here Tony. I'm right here. You're home. You're safe. I've got you. Wake up for me, you were having a nightmare."

Tony sat up so suddenly that he startled Gibbs just slightly. "Easy," the older man said, watching him carefully as he winced when he moved too suddenly. "You okay?"

"Jesus," Tony whispered, running a shaking hand through his hair. "Boss? Gibbs I…" he stopped, looking away, ashamed of his weakness.

Gibbs put a gentle finger under Tony's chin and turned the gaze back to him. "Talk to me," Gibbs said. "Tell me what happened. What was your nightmare about?"

Tony shook his head as though trying to clear it, and ran frustrated fingers through his hair. "I dunno…I can't tell what's real and what isn't…I just…I've gotta use the head," he mumbled and stood up on slightly unsteady feet and headed for the downstairs bathroom. He felt surprisingly dizzy.

Gibbs sat back and ran a hand over his face as he watched his lover struggle to the bathroom. He was debating calling Ducky and asking him to come over when a blood curdling scream had him running for the bathroom.

"JETHRO!"

Gibbs leapt up and ran for the bathroom. He burst in and gaped at what he saw. There was Tony…on his knees on the floor…

"Are you alright? What happened?"

"C-call Ducky," Tony whispered, wrapping his arms protectively around his torso.

"What's wrong? What do I tell him?" Gibbs was already pulling out the phone and dialing the number. He dropped to his knees next to his partner and wrapped a gentle arm around his back.

Tony looked up at him with tear-filled, frightened eyes. "Tell him…Oh God Gibbs…I think I was raped."

TBC


	2. Stress and Fear

**Warning**: Graphic depictions of rape and foul language. Flashback is clearly marked and may be disturbing to some readers.

**No Chains Holding Me  
><strong>**Chapter 2: Stress and Fear**

Gibbs' gut twisted painfully at Tony's tormented words on the floor of the bathroom. He put the phone to his ear and listened as Ducky's phone rang once, twice, and was picked up halfway through the third ring.

"Hello Jethro. How is Anthony?"

"Need ya to come over Duck. As fast as you can."

"Jethro I don't think I need to remind you that if there is an emergency you need to take Anthony to the hospital."

"He thinks he might have been raped," Gibbs said quietly, the arm around Tony squeezing reassuringly when Tony buried his face in the side of Gibbs' neck. He ran his hand up and down Tony's arm reassuringly.

"Oh my. I will meet you at Bethesda Jethro. You must take him there at once. There could be tearing, he could be hemorrhaging, not to mention the transmission of sexually transmitted diseases, all of which are—"

"We'll meet you there Duck. Call 'em and let 'em know we're coming?"

"Absolutely dear boy. I will phone them now and meet you there."

For once, someone other than Gibbs snapped the phone shut first. Gibbs stared at the phone in his hand for along moment before tucking it away in his pocket and turning his attention back to Tony.

Tony was still on his knees and he had wrapped his arms around his waist. His face was still tucked in close to Gibbs' neck.

"Tony? Tony you with me?"

The younger man nodded after a moment, his movements stiff and jerky.

"We have to go to the hospital Babe," Gibbs said running his hand up and down Tony's back again.

"NO!" Tony yelled and flinched away violently. "Leave me alone!"

"Hey easy," Gibbs soothed, raising his hands in a nonthreatening gesture. "I'm not gonna hurt you."

"Oh God," Tony moaned, putting his head in his hands. "Oh God help me."

Gibbs scooted closer to his lover. "It's just me," he murmured softly when Tony tensed beside him. "It's just me," he said again. "Not gonna hurt you."

Tony glanced at him but he didn't move. "We need to get you to the hospital," Gibbs said, keeping his voice quiet and even.

Tony shook his head. "No…no please…please I…I don't want anyone to…no one should have to see me like this."

"We need to know you are alright Tony," Gibbs said. "I need to know."

For a long moment Gibbs thought Tony was ignoring him. Then all of a sudden Tony was moving, struggling to his feet. Gibbs moved to help him and Tony nearly fell when he flinched away from his lover's touch again.

"No," Tony said, his voice shaking with barely contained emotion. "Don't touch me," he breathed. "'m not helpless. I can do this myself," he insisted.

"No one thinks you're helpless, Sweetheart," Gibbs said.

Tony didn't answer. He started to push passed Gibbs but stopped before their bodies touched. Keeping his eyes on the floor, Tony nervously shifted his weight from foot to foot. Realizing what was happening, Gibbs moved out of the bathroom. This gave Tony enough room to scuttle by him, leaning heavily on the wall for support and glancing behind him—checking his six—repeatedly.

Gibbs frowned as guilt rose high in his gut. Tony hadn't had any backup. No one had been there to watch his six; not in the cabin and not in the sedan at the storage facility. Shaking his head with regret, guilt, and self-loathing, Gibbs followed his partner out of the house.

xxx

When the car screeched to a stop at the Emergency Room entrance at Bethesda, Gibbs breathed a sigh of relief when he saw Ducky step outside with a wheelchair. Tony was sitting huddled against the backdoor, seemingly putting as much distance as possible between himself and Gibbs.

Gibbs had tried to get him to ride up front, but Tony was having no part of it. He insisted over and over again that it wasn't safe to sit up front, and that Tony would be better off sitting in the back. He'd flat refused to go anywhere near the front seat of the car.

Ducky drew pause when he reached the vehicle. The situation, though bad to start with, seemed to be escalating. Gibbs stepped out of the car and the old ME bit back a groan. Thick lines of fear and guilt were etched into his friend's face and a nervous hand ran unconsciously over his stomach.

"When we left he wouldn't let me touch him," Gibbs said softly.

Ducky considered this for a moment and then nodded. He stepped back inside and a moment later he returned with a young woman—a nurse from the looks of it.

"This is Mary Beth," Ducky said and Gibbs nodded.

Mary Beth eyed the car and saw Tony, still huddled pitifully in the backseat. She looked at the other two men. "Let me try," she said. She was young and pretty with a soft toned voice that didn't sound intimidating in the slightest.

When she opened the backdoor, Tony suddenly sprang back, eyes wide and searching, trying to understand what was going on and who this new stranger was.

"Easy," she soothed gently. "You're at Bethesda. My name is Mary Beth and I am a nurse. Will you let me help you?"

Tony eyed her and didn't respond. She knelt down at his level so she could look him in the eye. She was disturbed by the fear and mistrust she saw, but not surprised by it. Dr. Mallard had hinted at what Tony's problem was. "Come with me Tony," she soothed softly. "Let's get you fixed up."

Tony shook his head, and a look of near desperation crossed his features. "No," he whispered. "No I can't…please I can't!"

Mary Beth smiled gently. "It will be just you and me for now if you like. No one else needs to come in until we check you out."

"It isn't safe," Tony groaned, putting his head in his hands again.

"Of course it's safe," she insisted. "This is a military hospital. You're going to be perfectly safe here and very well protected. No one here is going to let anything bad happen to you again."

Tony still looked unsure, but Mary Beth smiled and held out her hand, nonplussed by his stubbornness. "I've got your six," she told him, eyeing him evenly. "These two gentlemen here have your six as well. I guarantee you that you are safe."

That was when Tony lifted his gaze to Jethro and Ducky standing outside on the sidewalk. "Can…can Jethro stay with me?" Tony's voice was soft and his eyes didn't leave his partner's face.

"Of course he can," Mary Beth said, turning to Gibbs. "If you feel comfortable doing that?"

Gibbs nodded. "I'll stay with you Tony," he said hoarsely. "I've got your six," he murmured.

Tony stared up at him for another long moment before he nodded and his eyes shut suddenly. A moment later he blinked them open again and looked around.

"He's going to pass out," Gibbs observed.

"Then let's get him into the wheelchair as quickly as possible," Mary Beth said, taking control of the situation. "Tony? Tony can you hear me? We're getting you into the chair, alright?"

Tony watched her, but felt strangely disconnected from everything. "Boss?"

"I'm right here Tony. Can I help you? Will you let me touch you to help you get out of the car?"

Tony nodded. Gibbs carefully supported Tony as he slid from the car. Tony's skin was cool and clammy again. Gibbs gently helped him into the wheelchair. "Stay with me Tony," he said firmly. He grabbed Tony's chin and gently shook it. "You stay awake ya hear? Don't pass out."

"DiNozzos don' passssssssout," Tony said, slurring badly as his eyes slid shut again.

"Right Tony," Gibbs whispered as Tony's head lolled forward and his entire body went limp.

"Let's get him inside," Mary Beth said.

xxx

Gibbs hovered close to Tony in the emergency room cubicle. Mary Beth called in another nurse to help her get the still-unconscious Tony onto the bed. This nurse was a large African American man with a bright smile and broad shoulders. He lifted Tony with ease and as he was laid on the bed, Tony's eyelids fluttered. He blinked and looked up at the large figure looming over him.

"G-Gerald?"

"My name is Kanan," the man replied. "I'm one of your nurses," he told Tony when he tensed up. "Take it easy." He patted Tony on the shoulder and motioned for Gibbs. Mary Beth ducked out to grab the doctor and Ducky from the hallway.

"Hey Tony," Gibbs said gently. "How ya holding up?"

Tony just shook his head and turned over onto his side with a groan. "Wanna go home," he said softly. "Hate hospitals."

"They're gonna check you out and make sure you're alright," Gibbs told him. Tony closed his eyes and nodded. There was no use fighting it.

It was a few minutes before Mary Beth came back with the doctors. Tony was asleep when they came in. A lady doctor walked over to Gibbs and held out her hand. "My name is Dr. Margaret Jacobson," she told him. "I'll be caring for Agent DiNozzo."

"Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs. Just Gibbs is fine though. And he likes to be called Tony. He's asleep. I am his Next of Kin and Medical Power of Attorney."

"I'm going to have to wake him up," the doctor said softly.

Gibbs watched her approach Tony's bed slowly and quietly. "He just dozed off a few minutes ago," he said.

"Alright that's fine," Dr. Jacobson said. "I just need to let him know we are ready to begin." She touched Tony's ankle lightly. "Agent DiNozzo? Tony can you hear me? My name is Dr. Jacobson. I need you to wake up for just a few minutes."

Tony flinched lightly under the lady's touch and slowly opened his eyes.

"Jethro?"

"Here Tony," Gibbs stepped up near Tony's head. "I'm right here."

Tony reached up and grabbed Gibbs' hand. The doctor looked around at Ducky, Gibbs, and the two nurses in the small cubicle. "I'd like everyone except Mary Beth to step outside please," she said, taking charge of the situation.

Ducky and the other nurse stepped out and Gibbs ran a hand over Tony's hair. "I'll be back soon, Tony," he said.

"NO!" Tony shot up off the bed. "No, Gibbs stays."

"Tony we are going to be doing some tests and examinations of a very private nature," the doctor explained.

"I don't care," Tony snapped. "Either Gibbs stays or I'm leaving." He wobbled suddenly and Gibbs eased him back onto the bed.

"Easy," he said. "Just relax. Doc's trying to help."

"Ok, ok just relax," Dr. Jacobson said gently. "Gibbs can stay; that's fine. I just wanted you to have privacy if you wanted it is all."

"Me staying will help preserve the chain of evidence too," Gibbs pointed out.

"I don't need a rape kit," Tony said from the bed.

"Tony we have to do a rape kit in order to determine if you were raped, and if so, by whom," Dr. Jacobson said.

"I already know who did it," Tony snapped. "Both of them. And they're both dead."

Dr. Jacobson exchanged a cautious glance with Gibbs. "Tony," she said gently. "Can you tell me what happened?"

_Flashback_

_Tony tried to understand why he was so naked—even if Jeffrey was drying his clothes as he'd said—shouldn't have a blanket at least? He blinked heavily, licking his dry lips slowly, and tried to speak._

"_Je-Jeffrrrrey?"_

"_Shut up whore," a new voice said. Tony blinked again. That was Lane, Jeffrey's friend._

"_Lane…wh…what're…doing?"_

_Tony felt like he had weights tied to his limbs and his eyelids. He was so sleepy, but something wasn't right. He needed to get up._

_Lane's fingers twisted in Tony's hair roughly and he guided his dick to Tony's mouth. "If you bite me, I'll kill you," he promised._

_Thankfully whatever they'd given him had Tony relaxed enough that he couldn't really struggle against his attacker. He did as he was told to because in his drugged mind he couldn't think of any reason not to cooperate. He couldn't even articulate that he didn't want this. He couldn't fight back, so he gave in and complied._

_After using his mouth Lane pulled away from Tony's face and using the spit from his mouth as lube he slid straight into Tony's ass—unprepared and unprotected. Tony groaned at the sudden intrusion and Lane pinched his nipples roughly._

"_Take it bitch…so tight…feels just like a hot, wet pussy…so hot…you're a good little whore aren't you? You wanna be our own personal cocksucker from now on?"_

_Tony groaned and was vaguely aware that his own dick was getting hard. He wondered how that could be? He didn't want this…he wasn't attracted to Lane or to Jeffrey…he loved Gibbs! Why was this happening?_

"_Looks like those drugs we give ya are doing their thing, Pretty Boy," Lane sneered, his breath hot in Tony's face. "Oughta keep ya rarin' to go for hours yet!"_

_End Flashback_

Gibbs and the doctor listened quietly to Tony's slurred, disjointed tale. Gibbs was sorry the bastards were both dead. Killing them was a privilege he'd have liked for himself, especially after hearing what they did to Tony.

"Next thing I knew…woke up. Felt like crap. Head was fuzzy and I felt like I'd been hit by a truck."

"That was this morning, correct?"

Tony nodded.

"I'd like to do a blood test to determine the drugs your attackers gave you," Dr. Jacobson said. "Hopefully they'll still show up in a blood test."

"Already taken care of," Gibbs told her, hoping to at least spare Tony more needles. "Our ME was on the scene when we found Tony. Tony was acting strange—sluggish like he'd been drugged, so we took a blood sample and sent it to our lab for testing. It's probably finished by now."

Dr. Jacobson smiled. "Smart thinking," she said. "Some drugs linger in the blood while others can fade quickly."

"That's what Ducky said too," Gibbs agreed.

"Tony, I need to do several exams now," the doctor said.

Tony was lying on his side facing Gibbs, the doctor, and the door. His back was near the wall—covered and protected. Nothing could get him from the back. He nodded, but didn't move.

"First things first. We need to get you changed into a hospital gown. Your clothes will have to be tested for trace evidence."

Tony pushed himself up to sit slowly. "Why do we need to collect all the evidence?" He looked at Gibbs. "Both guys died."

"It would be smart to double check and make sure that you only had two attackers, Tony," Dr. Jacobson said. "You lost a chunk of time. Who knows what happened?"

Tony crossed his arms. "Dammit it's not necessary," he bit out. He hadn't made any move to change his clothes.

Gibbs stepped closer to Tony, leaning over slightly to look him in the eye. "It'll give _both_ of us some peace of mind," Gibbs said softly. "And that _is_ necessary."

Tony let out a long breath and flung himself off the bed. "Fine." He wobbled and Jethro reached for him to keep him from falling but Tony shrugged him off and held up a trembling hand, one finger pointing at him. "Don't," he hissed. "Just…don't."

"I'll step outside while you change," Dr. Jacobson said, and she left the room.

"Don't know why she fucking bothered," Tony spat. "She's gonna see everything I never wanted to show off to anyone anyway."

"Take it easy Tony," Gibbs said gently. "I know this must be hard."

"No Gibbs," Tony snapped. "You have no goddamn idea what this is like. No fucking idea."

"Hey that's enough with the language," Gibbs told him firmly. "You don't normally talk like that. I know you're upset, and I know you're hurting, and that you're scared. And all of that is understandable. But you don't have to do this. No one here is going to hurt you. You are safe with us. Just let us take care of you."

Tony changed his clothes without another word…though if looks could kill, Gibbs was pretty sure he'd be a pile of dust on the floor.

A few minutes later Tony was lying on the bed again. His clothes had been bagged and tagged and he was wearing one of those hideous hospital gowns. Gibbs helped him pull the blanket up, but stopped when Tony pulled it from his hands. Tony pulled the blanket up over himself, knowing that he was vulnerable and exposed in the gown. Tony sighed, hating that he was being so short with his partner who really only wanted to help. But he just…he couldn't handle being touched.

"I'm going to get the doctor," Gibbs said softly. "Do you really want me to stay?"

That was a good question. He wanted Gibbs to have his six, but he didn't want the whole free world to know what had happened to him. He realized he wasn't being fair to think that Gibbs would share what he would learn with anyone, nor would he mock him. What he wanted was someone who would stick close to him, be there without assuring him a thousand times that "everything would be ok" and that "he's alright," because he wasn't fucking alright right now.

"Jet," Tony whispered. He held out his hand. This would be their last moment together alone until the tests were done. "Jet I'm sorry I yelled at you. I'm sorry I cursed like that. You're right… I don't talk like that normally," he said contritely.

Jethro knelt in front of him and held out his own hand, smiling when Tony placed his inside of it. "Well you're right Tony…I don't know what this is like. I don't know how I'd react. But I do know that you're the strongest person I've ever met, and if anyone can survive this it's you. I guess I'm hovering because I feel like I'm to blame—I didn't have your six Tony. I didn't get the clues put together quickly enough."

"No Jet," Tony whispered, pushing himself up on an elbow. "This isn't your fault. It's not either of our faults. It's Lane and Jeffrey's faults. They…they did…this," Tony's voice shook slightly.

"Can I touch you Tony," Gibbs whispered. Tony hesitated for a minute then nodded slowly. Gibbs moved slowly so he didn't spook his lover and sat on the edge of the bed. He carefully pulled Tony up to a sitting position and then wrapped his arms around him. "Let's get this over with," he murmured, smiling sadly when Tony's arms wrapped around him. "Do you want me to stay with you?"

"Please don't leave me," Tony whimpered. "I'm so scared, I'm sorry, I know that's weak, but—"

"Shhhh it's not weak to be scared. And in this situation I'd be more worried if you weren't upset. "I'll stay; I'll hold your hand through the whole thing if you want. I'll be right here with you."

"You promise?" Tony's voice sounded so small; Gibbs thought his heart would break.

"I promise Tony. Let me get the doctor."

Jethro stood up and moved to the door. He peeked out into the hallway and nodded. A moment later he came back into the room and Dr. Jacobson followed close behind with an ominous looking rolling tray of supplies.

"Are you ready Tony?" Her voice was gentle and she closed the door behind her as Gibbs sat down next to him on the bed and took his hand.

Tony hesitated for a moment and then nodded.

"Alright then," Dr. Jacobson said softly. "Let's get started."

TBC


	3. Situations Like This

**Author's Note: ** Special thanks to my wonderful friend for all your help and attention to detail. Hugs and raspberries!  
><strong>Warning:<strong> Flashback contains disturbing imagery, and chapter discusses content surrounding rape and treatment. May be disturbing to some readers.

**No Chains Holding Me  
><strong>**Chapter 3: Situations Like This**

Dr. Jacobson stood outside the room and watched the pair through the window. She'd finished the rape kit a couple of hours earlier and some of the preliminary lab work was already completed. Agent Gibbs had explained to her in no uncertain terms that he and Agent DiNozzo wanted to be kept up to date on the information the kit would provide, as it came in—it didn't matter what time of day. Now she held a file folder in her hands and watched the pair in the room silently and unnoticed.

Gibbs was alternating between pacing with his fingers laced behind his neck, and sitting in the chair with his hands balled into fists fighting the urge to touch his lover. Ducky had left an hour or so ago. He didn't want to force his mother's home care nurse to stay longer than absolutely necessary. Tony was uncomfortable after the multiple exams, and had finally managed to fall into an uneasy sleep. Dr. Jacobson had offered a sedative, but understood when it was fiercely declined with Tony's very adamant, "I don't want any more drugs."

Gibbs wished Tony had accepted something though. His lover tossed and turned, unable to lay in one position for too long. For the moment he was lying on his side, his knees tucked in close to his chest, and his arms wrapped around his middle. It looked as though Tony was trying to make his body as small as possible in the bed. Suddenly he shifted slightly and groaned. Gibbs was by his side in an instant.

"Hey Tony," he said softly, refraining from touching him. "You need anything?" He was being very careful to avoid asking Tony if he was alright. It was quite obvious to everyone that he was not alright.

Tony blinked. "Back hurts," he whispered. He shut his eyes tiredly.

Jethro sat down on the chair next to the bed. "Do you want anything for the pain, Sweetheart?"

Tony shook his head. "No more drugs," he murmured without opening his eyes.

Gibbs nodded and thought for a moment. "Do you think a heating pad would help?"

"Do you think they'd let me have one?" Tony cracked open his eyes in interest.

"Can't hurt to ask," Jethro said. He stood up to head for the door when it suddenly opened. It surprised the two men and Tony flinched hard and Jethro drew his gun and aimed for the door. He let out a muttered curse when he saw Dr. Jacobson.

"Everything alright?"

"You scared the hell out of us," Gibbs grumbled. Then he realized why she might be there. "Do you have some lab work back?"

"I do," Dr. Jacobson said. "But first things first. Tony, how are you?"

Tony blinked and thought for a moment. "My back hurts," he said softly.

"I'll get you some painkillers if you want them," the doctor offered.

"He doesn't want painkillers," Jethro interjected, "but we were wondering if he could have a heating pad?"

"Good idea," Dr. Jacobson said. "I'll tell the nurse to bring you one."

"Thanks," Tony said. "So…lab work?"

The doctor sat the file down on the rollaway table and opened it. "The early STD screenings are back," she said softly. At Tony's questioning look she continued. "As of now you are not showing any evidence of any sexually transmitted infections."

Gibb nodded, satisfied. He was glad Tony was alright. But something about the way she said it caught both his and Tony's attention at the same time. "As of now?" Tony asked before Gibbs had the opportunity.

Dr. Jacobson nodded. "Unfortunately sometimes it takes a while for evidence of an STD to show up."

"So what's that mean for Tony," Gibbs asked.

"That means," Dr. Jacobson said softly, "that we will be doing screenings for sexually transmitted infections at intervals over the next year."

"Year?" Tony's eyes widened. Why, oh why couldn't he get off easy, just once?

The doctor nodded again. "We'll do another screening in seven days, fourteen days, thirty days, three months, six months and a year."

"That's just a blood test, right?" Tony asked.

"Unless something arises, yes."

Tony's face paled and he slowly sat up in bed. "Can't we just, I dunno, give me an antibiotic or something? Do it just in case?"

Earlier the doctor had given Tony a pill to take. He had raised an eyebrow at her, but once she told him it wouldn't make him sleepy or groggy, he'd taken it without further argument.

"The pill I gave you earlier was a broad spectrum, high powered antibiotic," Dr. Jacobson said. "It's quite useful in preventing the outbreak of STDs in situations like this."

Situations like this. Jesus.

"We also checked with your forensic lab at NCIS. Ms. Sciuto informed me that there were minute traces of Viagra in your system, and significantly larger amounts of," the doctor paused and looked at Tony who was quite pale. "Are you alright?"

Tony nodded tightly but didn't respond. Gibbs turned and looked at his partner.

"Need a minute?"

Thank God for Gibbs and his ability to seemingly read Tony's mind. Tony thought about it for a long moment. "Yeah," he whispered. "Could you give me a minute alone?"

Gibbs watched him for a long moment. Finally he gently patted Tony's shoulder. "I'll be right out in the hall Tony. If you need me just yell ok? Not leaving ya."

Tony nodded and patted the hand on his shoulder. "Thanks," he whispered, the whole time wishing the floor would open up and swallow him. "I'm fine Gibbs," he offered as the man turned away.

Situations like this.

Gibbs snorted softly. "And I'm the pope," he countered without turning around.

Tony watched as they shut the door behind them, and in that moment, it occurred to Tony that this was the first time he'd been alone—truly alone—since he'd gone undercover.

xxx

Outside in the hallway, Gibbs watched Tony through the window. Dr. Jacobson put a gentle hand on his shoulder. "Agent Gibbs," she said softly. When he turned to look at her she continued. "I want to tell you before I tell Tony," she started. "Along with the Viagra in his system, there were large traces of Rohypnol found as well."

Gibbs closed his eyes and dropped his chin to his chest, letting out a long breath. It was as bad as he'd feared.

"Side effects of Rohypnol include, but are not limited to low blood pressure, memory loss or disturbance, drowsiness, visual disturbances, dizziness, confusion, gastrointestinal disturbances and urinary retention," she said softly.

"I know that," Gibbs snapped. "We're investigators, we've all seen what it can do to people!"

"It explains why so much of what happened is jumbled for Tony," the doctor said gently. "If he's lucky he may never recover those memories."

"If he's lucky? He was just gang raped by two felons—one of whom just happened to be a serial killer. Tell me—how does that make him lucky, _Doctor_?"

"I didn't mean it that way," she said. She turned him gently so Gibbs was looking at her. "I'm going to say this, and I mean it professionally, and in the most caring ways you can imagine. You and Tony are both going to need to talk to someone about this. This is too big of a deal for you to just sweep it under the rug and pretend to know how to deal with it because you've watched others deal with it. Until you've had to deal with this yourselves, you have no idea how to move beyond it. I can give you some phone numbers of some trusted counsel—"

"Thanks, but no thanks," Gibbs said. "Tony and I don't do shrinks. We'll play it by ear, but that'll be the last resort," he said. "Tony doesn't trust easily, and this won't have helped that any. I appreciate your concern, but I assure you we'll get through this just fine," he tried to make his voice sound gentler, less sharp.

The doctor nodded, but her face was filled with uncertainty. "If you say so," she said softly. "If you change your mind just let me know."

"I appreciate it—for both of us," Gibbs said with a small smile. "You've been very helpful. Thank you."

"Of course Agent Gibbs. I will check back on Tony in a while," she said, seeing him asleep. "Like I said, if you change your mind, let me know and we'll find you someone to talk to."

Gibbs nodded and watched as she walked away. He pulled out his phone to call Ducky and see what he thought about the idea of getting a shrink. Honestly, for Tony, it might not be a bad idea, but that wasn't a decision Gibbs was prepared to make for him just yet. Sure he'd have to have a psych eval before he could go back to work, but those hadn't ever fazed Tony before.

"_Good evening Jethro,"_ Ducky's voice sounded through the phone.

"Sorry to bother ya this late Duck," Jethro said.

"_Not to worry my dear boy,"_ Ducky said_. "I was only just turning in for the night and haven't gone to sleep. Is everything alright? Is Anthony alright?"_

"Oh no, he's far from ok," Gibbs said. "He's asked for some time by himself, so I'm giving him a minute alone."

"_You're right outside the door aren't you_," Ducky said softly. Gibbs could hear the smile in his friend's voice.

"Am I that obvious?"

"_Only to those who know what to look for. And in Anthony's case…well let's say you always growl like a bear with a sore paw when he's injured."_

"Listen Ducky, the reason I'm calling…some of Tony's labwork came back."

"_I was beginning to wonder what was taking so long."_

"They found Viagra in his system. And Rohypnol."

"_Ah yes, a naughty combination to be sure. Explains many of his symptoms."_

"That's what I thought too. The doctor wants for Tony and I to talk to a shrink about all of this. I'm not sure I know wh—"

"_What did you tell her? Did she give you phone numbers? I think that's a wise idea,"_ Ducky interjected. _"It would be good for Tony to do some counseling on his own, and then have you join him for couple's counseling," _the older man advised. _"So that anything that arises in Tony's session can be addressed in the joint session."_

Gibbs let out a long breath. "I didn't think that was my call to make," he said. "Not without talking to Tony first. You know how he and I both feel about shrinks."

"_That I do Jethro. However, under these circumstances, I believe it will be imperative that at the very least, Anthony see a counselor."_

Gibbs closed his eyes, trying to figure out how he was going to tell his partner that he'd have to talk to a stranger about what happened to him when a sudden shout came from Tony's room, followed by a loud metallic crashing sound.

"I gotta go Duck, I'll call ya back when I can."

He snapped the phone shut and raced into the room.

xxx

_**Flashback:**_

_Tony was lying on his back and Jeffrey and Lane were both on top of him. Jeffrey was fucking him as hard as he could; Tony's body was rocking from the constant rhythm of abuse it was enduring, and Lane was pinching Tony's nose shut, forcing him to open his mouth and have more of the drugged whiskey poured down his throat._

_Tony coughed and sputtered, wondering when this terrible nightmare was going to stop, but being completely unable to do anything to help himself. He felt his erection begin to grow again, both as Jeffrey slammed into his prostate and as the drugs took effect. _

No, _Tony thought to himself_, no you don't want this, you don't like Jeffrey, you aren't attracted to Lane, you only want Gibbs, you love Jethro, why are you getting hard? You should be able to stay soft, you've got to get away, Gibbs is going to kill you for this…

_Tony squirmed and moaned and this just seemed to ramp up his assailants even more. His body was sluggish and heavy, and Tony was only marginally aware of what was going on. He was stuck on his back and he couldn't roll over and he couldn't get enough leverage to throw Jeffrey or Lane off of him and oh God if Gibbs ever heard about this happening he'd dump him for sure…then he'd be alone…and at the mercy of these two men who wanted nothing more than to make him their own personal cocksucking whore…_

_**End Flashback**_

Tony had dozed off while Gibbs was in the hallway talking to Dr. Jacobson. In his sleep, he'd rolled to his back, and once he'd started to dream, there was no way for him to escape his nightmare. In his head he was right back where he'd been the night before—stuck on that grimy mattress in that nasty little cabin in the middle of nowhere with no backup, no one watching his six, and no way to escape what had been done to him.

He thrashed and moaned and screamed and whimpered pitifully. Jethro raced into the room and, forgetting all about Tony's desperate pleas not to be touched, grabbed him gently by the shoulders and shook him.

"Wake up Tony!" Gibbs watched his lover carefully for signs of wakefulness. "C'mon Sweetheart, it's a dream. Open your eyes babe, c'mon Tony. Wake up! You're safe here. Nothing to worry about," he brushed his fingers lightly through Tony's hair, the other hand still on his shoulder.

Finally Tony's eyes shot open, filled with terror and shame and he took several huge, gasping breaths. "G-Gibbsss?" Tony's voice shook horribly when he spoke and his face colored with embarrassment at his weakness.

"Easy Tony. You're safe. You were having a nightmare," Gibbs spoke gently, easing down to sit on the edge of Tony's bed. "You're safe."

Tony glanced around the room desperately, wondering where his assailants had gone to, how they had managed to disappear so quickly.

"Tony?" Gibbs tapped Tony lightly on the cheek, concerned that his partner hadn't responded to him other than opening his eyes. Gibbs wasn't convinced Tony had snapped out of the nightmare yet. "Tony you with me?"

Tony turned his terror-filled gaze toward his lover. How had this happened? How had things gotten so fucked up so quickly? He shuddered then, and the feelings of dirtiness washed over him. Jeffrey and Lane were EVERYWHERE on him. How could Gibbs stand to even look at him, let alone touch him?

Tony carefully extricated himself from Gibbs' touch, and Jethro let him go. "You with me?" He asked again and this time Tony blinked and nodded slowly.

"Yeah Jethro I…" his voice trailed off. How could he possibly explain this to him? "I-I need a shower," he said softly.

Gibbs glanced at the clock on the wall. Just after two in the morning. "You want a shower now?"

"I need one," Tony said softly, his entire body trembling. "I need a shower." He'd beg if he had to.

Gibbs hit the call button to check with the nurse and see if it'd be alright for Tony to have a shower. "Ok alright, we're gonna ask the nurse if that is ok," Gibbs said softly.

"N-need a sh-shower," Tony said again, running his hands over his arms. He was still trembling. Gibbs was beginning to get concerned.

"Tony?" His voice was cautious, but he needed to know. "Tony why do you need a shower all of a sudden?" His question was gentle, unmocking.

Tony looked at him as though he'd grown another head. "Because," he said softly, "I'm dirty."

TBC…


	4. Hard To Understand

**Author's Note:** ANGST! Tons of it!  
><em>Thanks to my dear friend for helping me with this story!<em>

**No Chains Holding Me  
><strong>**Chapter 4: Hard To Understand**

"You're sure you're going to be alright?" Gibbs was hovering in the doorway of the en suite bathroom in Tony's hospital room. The nurse had given Tony permission to take a shower, but told him to be careful and leave the door open.

Tony refused to remove any clothes until Gibbs had gone. "I-I'm ok," he said shakily. "J-just dirty. Need to wash off. I'll…I'll call you if I need help," he said softly. Both of them knew he wouldn't call.

Gibbs looked at him uncertainly, but finally nodded and turned away. Tony let out a huge sigh of relief and wished that he could close the door. But one of the conditions for him taking this unaided impromptu shower in the middle of the night was he would leave the door open so he could be heard if he fell or needed help.

Tony turned on the water and looked around helplessly. He felt so overwhelmed. He didn't even know where to begin to put the pieces back together. The shower, he hoped, would help. Tony reached his hand under the faucet and grimaced. The water was not hot enough. He turned it up more, sticking his hand back under it. Finally it felt nice and hot—almost too hot. He threw a towel over the shower curtain bar and glanced quickly over his shoulder, making sure there was no one watching him. Then he quickly shucked off his hospital gown and all but leapt into the shower.

He hissed when the stinging hot water made unpleasant contact with his skin. Tony backed up under the spray and nearly groaned in relief. He breathed in and could smell the steam, and relished the fact that it took away the musty stink of the cabin. He could feel the smooth hot water burning slightly on his skin and it took away the feel of the men's touches. He could feel the shower curtain brushing against his arm when he moved around, and it gave him boundaries, instead of being stuck on that endless plane of mattress that seemed to hold him captive and subjected to humiliation no matter which way he turned or twisted.

Tony leaned his head back and closed his eyes. The water washed over him and for just…a…moment…it seemed like things might be ok. He soaped up the washcloth, and began to scrub…

xxx

Gibbs paced nervously and glanced up at the clock. Tony took notoriously long showers normally, but this one was beginning to run long, even for Tony. It was now approaching 3am…it had taken some time to get Tony into the shower in the first place because they'd had to all but beg the nurse for permission to take the damn shower in the first place. But now…

Gibbs knew that his partner needed some privacy. He needed the opportunity to wash off the case and to relax a bit under the spray. They all did it, but this case was leaving a particularly bad taste in everyone's mouth. The Senior Agent in him said that his partner was just losing himself in the shower, relaxing, and had lost track of time. The lover in him said that something was wrong and he needed to check on Tony.

The silver haired man paced another lap around the room, and then let out a long breath and headed for the bathroom.

"Tony?"

There was no answer. Gibbs' gut churned and he leaned against the bathroom's doorway. He frowned at the amount of steam coming out of the shower.

"Hey! DiNozzo! You in there?"

When Tony didn't answer again, Gibbs took a tentative step inside the bathroom. He knew his lover was upset. Knew this whole damn fucked up case had done a number on him—how could it not? But now it was over, and Gibbs just wanted to take care of his boy. His lover had been traumatized and abused, and now Gibbs was in full protective mode—ready to kill anyone who hurt his partner again. He supposed Ducky was right—Gibbs was a bit like a bear with a sore paw when it came to Tony.

But Tony was different. Tony was special and unlike all of his ex-wives.

Tony reminded Jethro of Shannon in many ways. He'd stand up to Gibbs and argue with him, fight and not back down. He was stubborn as hell, but beautiful and oh so sexy. Shannon had been all of those things, but in different ways than Tony was. That was what made this relationship so wonderful. And now Gibbs just wanted to help his partner. Wanted to make it better.

He pulled back the curtain.

Tony had his back to Jethro, face in the water, the rough hospital issued washcloth was scrubbing furiously at his very pink skin.

"Tony? Babe are you ok?"

Tony all be levitated. Where had Jethro come from?

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING? GET OUT OF HERE! GO AWAY!" Tony was yelling before he could stop himself, humiliated at being caught, and ashamed that he'd been snuck up on so easily. What was Gibbs thinking? He didn't need to see Tony like this! He was so…so broken…so scattered…so…so dirty.

Tony dropped to his knees, wrapping his arms around his waist and curling in on himself. Gibbs was astonished at how small Tony managed to make himself in the tub. Sobs overtook him suddenly and Tony gasped for air as the pent up emotion struggled to erupt from him in a sudden release.

Jethro realized he may be taking his life (or his relationship) into his hands here, but he had to _do_ something. He carefully turned off the water, making sure to keep himself where Tony could see him. Then he pulled the curtain back and grabbed the towel Tony had put across the bar. He carefully wrapped it around his lover's shoulders, and knelt on his knees beside the tub.

"Tony…" he reached out to touch Tony's hair but Tony flinched away.

"GO AWAY! GOD WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? I ASK YOU TO DO ONE MEASLEY LITTLE FRIGGIN THING AND YOU CAN'T EVEN DO IT? ARE YOU STUPID? LEAVE ME ALONE!" Tony unleashed his full temper and fury out on his partner, gasping and heaving for breath, his body still wracked by sobs.

Jethro didn't listen, and for the first time since their relationship began, he didn't stop when Tony told him to. He carefully reached out and wrapped an arm across Tony's chest and lifted him up. Tony heaved a gut wrenching sob just as he sat up and it nearly broke Jethro's heart to watch it. But he had to do it—he had to watch it. He had to bear his lover's pain because he hadn't been there to protect him in the first place. This was _his_ fault.

Gibbs pulled Tony close and Tony resisted weakly, still sobbing, shaking his head pitifully, but Gibbs held on. "You need to get out of the tub before you catch a cold," he said softly, running a hand over Tony's hair.

"You need to leave me the fuck alone," Tony snarled, pulling away from the loving embrace. "I don't _want_ your help. I don't _need_ you! Don't you see that? How can you want me? How can you want to help me? I'm dirty! They _ruined_ me Jethro! Leave me alone! You can't want me…not like this…just go away…"

Gibbs hooked an arm under Tony's elbow and together they stood up. Gibbs supported his lover as he stepped shakily from the tub, and for a moment Gibbs was worried Tony might fall.

"Go away," Tony moaned. Tears streamed down his face and he looked like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. "Please God just leave me alone," he whispered. He was so damn _tired._

"Let me help you back to bed," Gibbs said softly, "and then I'll leave."

Gibbs quickly and efficiently got Tony's hospital gown back on him and he noticed how pink Tony's skin was. "Got that water pretty hot Tony. You nearly scalded yourself."

"Had to wash it off…dirty…had to get them off of me," Tony whispered, almost to himself.

Gibbs carefully helped Tony back to the bed and pulled back the covers. The nurse had brought them a heating pad for Tony's aching back. He turned it on and adjusted it carefully then handed it to Tony.

"I'm gonna give you some time," he said softly. Tony pulled the covers up higher and didn't respond.

Gibbs turned to the door, and sadly made his way into the hallway.

xxx

Gibbs sipped the stale, colored water that was supposed to resemble coffee from the cafeteria and grimaced. It was horrible. He paid the cashier for the coffee and a bottle of slightly cooled ginger ale—they didn't have any cold, but Gibbs thought it would help settle Tony's stomach. He thanked her, and headed back upstairs. For a moment he considered calling Ducky to see what he should do, but Gibbs was no idiot. He knew exactly what his friend would tell him to do. Get Tony talking. That was the next thing that needed to happen.

Gibbs took the long way back to Tony's room, strolling idly down the long halls, trying to give Tony as much time to himself as he needed. He glanced at a clock as he walked past and saw that he'd been gone nearly fifteen minutes.

He wrapped his fingers around his cell phone and for a brief moment again considered calling Ducky, but the old man was asleep, as he should be, and taking care of his mother, as he should be. Jethro let go of the phone and let out a long breath. He'd have to suck it up and learn to verbally communicate himself.

He had to be there for Tony. Had to support him. Tony didn't seem able to do it for himself.

xxx

Tony felt the muscles in his back start to relax, even as his skin heated up to an almost uncomfortable level. The heating pad had reduced settings on it, so that it couldn't technically burn you…but Tony's skin had already been slightly scalded and tender when he'd gotten the heating pad in the first place. He hissed as he moved and his sore body made its presence known.

He glanced nervously at the door, wondering where Jethro had gone to. _Way to go dumbass,_ he thought to himself. _You snarled and growled and yelled and cussed…he probably left your sorry self and has gone home to go to bed._ Part of Tony wished that Gibbs _would_ go home and go to bed. They were all exhausted after this last case. It had been difficult for all of them. But Tony knew Gibbs didn't sleep whenever he was undercover—just as he didn't sleep if Gibbs was undercover.

As he lay in the semi-dark room, the monitors happily bleeping and chirping, letting the whole hospital know that he was, in fact, still alive—at least physically. His heart was beating and his lungs were taking in air, but Tony wasn't sure he hadn't lost his spirit. He felt so tired. So emotionally drained. So damn _scared_. He wanted Jethro to come back—to tell him again that it would all be alright, and that he would protect Tony and keep him safe. Empty words to be sure, because there was no way a wonderful man like Jethro was gonna stay with a fucked up mess like Tony for very long.

The door creaked open and Tony looked up hopefully, only to drop back slightly when he saw that it was the nurse coming in and not his partner.

"Are you feeling better after your shower, Mr. DiNozzo?"

"It's Tony," he said softly. "And I kinda feel like I need another shower, but I think I'm too tired to try," he said tiredly.

The nurse looked slightly confused, but didn't comment. "Why don't you get some sleep," she suggested softly. "I'm sure you'll feel better when you wake up."

"Bet not," Tony snapped. "Can you please just go away," he grumped.

He heard the nurse make her quiet exit and a moment later the door opened again. "For the love of Christ," Tony snapped sitting up to face whoever was coming in.

Jethro stopped in the doorway, cup and bottle in hand, a shocked and hurt expression on his face. "I um…" he looked down, "I'll go…if you want," he said softly. "I just thought…maybe…"

"No! No please…uh…don't leave," Tony said lamely, reclining back on his side. Jethro watched him for a long, careful minute, then nodded and shut the door behind him. He crossed the room slowly and held out the bottle of soda as he sat down.

"Picked that up for you," Jethro said softly, awkwardly. "Thought maybe you'd be thirsty."

Tony nodded. "Thanks," he said softly. "I uh…Jet I'm…about earlier…"

"I didn't mean to scare you," Gibbs said softly, staring into his coffee cup. "I wouldn't ever do that on purpose. But I got worried when I called for you and you didn't answer. I think maybe you couldn't hear me with the water running."

"I didn't hear anything," Tony said softly. He twisted the bottle of ginger ale open and set the cap down on the rollaway table. It was warmer than Tony liked his soda to be, but he wasn't going to complain. Jethro noticed Tony's stiff movements—stiffer than they'd been before the shower.

"Did the water burn you," Jethro asked softly.

Tony looked shocked for a moment. "How did you…" he sighed. "Maybe," he said softly. "Yes," he admitted. "It just felt like…I dunno like I couldn't get it hot enough."

"How hot did it need to be Tony?" Gibbs kept his voice soft, unaccusing. He was curious—he wanted to know what was going on inside of Tony's head—he wanted to know because he wanted to help, and he couldn't help if Tony wouldn't talk to him.

Tony shrugged slowly. "Needed to be hot enough to wash it off," he said.

Jethro was slightly confused. He hadn't seen anything on Tony. "Wash what off honey?"

Tony took a sip of his soda and thought for a moment. Then he suddenly threw up, gagging and retching horribly, all over the bed…

_**Flashback**_

"_C'mon man, what are you, some kinda pussy? It's just whiskey. What kinda man don't drink whiskey?" Lane sneered at Tony. _

_They hadn't been there long…Tony was still soaked to the skin, thanks to his dunk in the river. He needed to get some dry clothes on before he froze or caught his death. _

"_Cold Tony?" Jeffrey suddenly appeared at his side. He snatched the bottle from Lane and took a sip. Well…it looked like he took a sip… "Ahhhhh, this'll warm ya right up buddy," Jeffrey said, his voice smooth as silk. _

_Tony smiled nervously and nodded. "Um…ok," he said, accepting the bottle. He turned it up and grimaced at the lukewarm temperature of the alcohol. He swallowed down a sip of it, and winced when it burned all the way to his gut. There was something about it though…something tasted funny…_

"_Drink more," Jeffrey encouraged, shoving the bottle back to his lips. "Really, we don't mind sharing, do we Lane?"_

_Lane offered a smile then—a smile like a shark and he shook his head. "Don't mind at all," he said. "I'm sure you'll return the favor somehow…"_

_Jeffrey mumbled something about going to find Tony some dry clothes. "You just keep drinking that whiskey—I'm gonna check the bottle when I come back—you better have drank some! It'll warm you up!"_

_Tony sat on the bed and sipped more whiskey as Lane watched him closely. The drink was bitter and burned his throat, and he tried to pass it back to Lane. "Here," He said, surprised by the slur in his voice already. "You drrrrrink it," he said softly._

_A few minutes later, the bottle slipped from his listless fingers and dropped harmlessly to the floor. Tony nearly toppled off the bed, leaning forward after it. "Ohhhh," he said, reaching for it._

_Suddenly he was hauled backwards on the bed. Jeffrey smiled over him as he climbed up to straddle his hips. "Yeaaaaaaaaaaaah about that returning the favor for us sharing the whiskey," Jeffrey drawled. "We're gonna go ahead and collect. But don't you worry your pretty little head about a thing…in fact…why don't you have some more of this," he poured more whiskey into Tony's mouth, chuckling when he choked slightly on it, "You know body heat is another way to warm up right?"_

_**End Flashback.**_

Tony gasped and heaved and Jethro grabbed the nearest thing he could find—the dishpan for dirty washcloths and towels—and shoved it under Tony's face. Tony retched and heaved, expelling everything he had in his stomach to the bowl.

Jethro reached around and rubbed Tony's back gently. "Easy Tony," he murmured softly. "Keep breathing, just try and relax. We can talk it out, shhhh it's ok."

Finally the horrible retching stopped and Tony leaned heavily against Jethro's side. Jethro moved to support him more, and gently eased him back on the bed. He tossed the heating pad away, knowing that sometimes when people get nauseous, heat makes it worse. He quickly poured a cup of water from the pitcher and raised it to Tony's lips.

"Easy babe, easy…just water…cold water too…shhhh…it's ok let me help you…I know it's hard…please let me take care of you," Gibbs pleaded softly.

Tony let Gibbs help him drink, but he was so exhausted he could barely manage it, even with help. His head was splitting and he didn't even want to think about what he would see if he closed his eyes. His fingers were uncoordinated as they reached clumsily for the cup, fumbling with it and nearly sobbing in frustration.

"Just rest," Gibbs said softly. "I'm right here, and I have got your six, and I am _not_ leaving you. I'm right here." He ran his fingers softly through Tony's hair.

"Why are you doing this?" Tony croaked hoarsely.

"Why am I doing what?" Gibbs was confused.

"Why are you being so nice to me," Tony whispered brokenly. "Why are you still here?"

Gibbs cupped Tony's face in his hands and looked at him. Looked right into his eyes. "I'm here because I love you," he said. He kissed Tony's cheek, and Tony flinched and squeezed his eyes shut. "I'm here because I love you," he whispered again.

How could that be though? How could Gibbs still love him? A thought occurred to Tony…of course! Gibbs didn't realize what had happened yet! Oh God, but that meant that Tony would have to tell him…and then Gibbs would leave…maybe he was here because he felt like he had to be? Yes, yes that made more sense—Gibbs actually wanted to leave—he would prefer to be at home in bed, but out of some twisted sense of obligation, Jethro felt like he needed to stay with Tony—he needed to assuage his own guilt!

"Go away," Tony whispered. Tears filled his eyes as this realization cemented itself in his mind. Gibbs was only there because he felt guilty—he felt obligated. Well Tony was no one's obligation. He wouldn't be indebted to Gibbs over this. "Please," Tony whispered, shoving weakly at Gibbs. "Just leave me alone. It's better this way."

"How the hell do ya figure that DiNozzo?" Gibbs retorted. "I love you ya idiot! I want to stay with you and make sure you're alright because I love you. That so hard to understand?"

Tony looked at him like he'd grown another head. "Yes," he said softly. "Yes it's damn hard for me to understand. I don't understand why you're staying here with me—why you'd _want_ to stay here with me—I'm dirty Jethro. The things they did to me…they ruined me…and I don't need you here trying to make yourself feel less guilty. That's not going to help me!"

"Tony you aren't making any sense! I just…dammit why won't you talk to me about this?"

"Because I feel bad ok? Because I hate myself for what happened! It's my damn fault! I…" Tony broke off in harsh sobs again. Damn these tears…this emotional roller coaster was going to kill him. He struggled to push Gibbs away, even as the man wrapped him in the warmest, safest, most comfortable embrace he'd ever known…

"Stop it," Tony whispered harshly, as he collapsed against Gibbs' chest, fully enveloped in the embrace. "Please…stop being so nice to me," he moaned.

"I love you though," Gibbs said, kissing the top of Tony's head. "And you've been through something horrible. Of course I'm going to be nice to you."

"You'll hate me," Tony whispered. He was so tired. He swore he could go to sleep right there, leaned against Jethro's chest. He'd done it before—many times. But not under these circumstances. This was different. Now everything was changed. "I didn't mean to," Tony moaned softly, more tears sliding pitifully down his face. "God help me I didn't mean for it to happen."

Gibbs blinked. "Tony I could never blame you for being raped, Sweetheart," he said, trying to reassure his partner. "I don't blame you at all honey. It wasn't your fault."

Tony buried his face against Jethro's shoulder, knowing that in just seconds he'd be forced away and never allowed back into the safety of the older man's arms. He relished it for just a moment. "Is my fault," he insisted. "Should have done something. Should have stopped it."

"Tony…Tony listen. You were drugged. You couldn't have stopped what they did to you. This is not your fault."

"I couldn't have stopped what they did," Tony said softly. "But I could have stopped what _I_ did." He looked up at Gibbs, his heart shattering into a million pieces.

"What did you do Tony? Tell me what you're so upset about?"

Tony closed his eyes, and several tears trekked down his face. "I um…I…when they…" he huffed out a frustrated breath. "I'm not sure I can tell you," he whispered.

TBC…


	5. Let Me Love You

**Author's Note:** AU, OOC, and Beware the flashback—lots of dirty talk, dirty language, and some hate speech. This isn't pretty folks—there's no way to sugar coat it.

**No Chains Holding Me  
><strong>**Chapter 5: Let Me Love You**

"I'm not sure I can tell you," Tony whispered. He ran a shaking hand through his hair. Before Gibbs could respond, Tony retched again and Gibbs quickly shoved the basin back under his chin. He gagged and heaved, throwing up again. The mere thought of telling Jethro was enough to make Tony physically ill.

A nurse poked her head in the room. It was the same one from earlier. "Oh goodness," she said softly. She quickly wet a washcloth. "Should I get you something for the nausea Mr. D—er, Tony?"

Tony shook his head and retched again. "No," he gasped finally, sweat and vomit dripping off of his face. "No…no more…drugs…no drugs," he whispered.

"Can you get me a cup of ice," Gibbs said softly. He knew from experience that the ginger ale would settle Tony's stomach, but he needed to get it cold.

The nurse nodded without a word, turned and hurried out, her blond ponytail bouncing behind her. Gibbs turned his attention back to Tony, who was now, barely awake.

"Just rest Sweetheart," he whispered. "When the nurse comes back with the ice we're gonna try the ginger ale again ok? Make ya feel better. Just rest for now."

Tony struggled against Jethro's gentle ministrations though, and sat up with a grimace. "No," he panted, still out of breath from the terrible heaving. "No…I have to…tell you…you need to know," Tony said softly.

Gibbs eased back down on the edge of the bed and looked at him. "If you're worried that you're going to say something that will make me leave, that isn't going to happen," he said seriously.

Tony looked at him for a long time, debating what he should say. How do you tell your lover—your life partner—your…your _everything_—that you were unfaithful to them? Tony figured it'd be a different scenario if he'd actively sought the coupling out, but he'd never…he loved Jethro…he didn't want this…

"If I tell you…Jet you gotta promise me something."

"Anything." There was no hesitation. Gibbs would do anything to help Tony, and wouldn't even consider anything else.

"When I tell you…you have to let me get it all out. You have to let me say it before you interrupt me. If you interrupt me…I…I don't know if I'll be able to finish."

Gibbs' gut churned. He didn't like it, but—dammit—he'd given his word. "I'll let you talk. But I won't let you beat yourself up," he finally said.

Tony thought for a moment then nodded. A moment later he began to speak.

_**Flashback**_

_Sensation coated him like a blanket that was too heavy, too warm. He couldn't get away from it, couldn't move, could barely breathe. They poured more and more whiskey down his throat, until he was sure he was completely intoxicated, not to mention stoned on whatever the hell it was they put in the damn whiskey._

_Tony's mind seemed to blank for a moment, perhaps he could just slip away and not have to be conscious for all of this. He must have closed his eyes because a sharp slap to his hip forced him to open his eyes again._

"_Oh no bitch, you don't get to go to sleep. You stay the fuck awake and listen to me when I'm talking to you! I'm your master now, I've got you right where I want you and if I choose, you will stay here, like this, forever as my little cocksucker. You'd like that though, wouldn't you?" Lane was taunting him as he plowed into his body, violating it more and more with each thrust. _

_Tony blinked and tried to comprehend what this terrible man was saying. "Look at you," Lane continued, wrapping a hand around Tony's penis. "Look how hard you're getting! You little bitch! You like this! You really are a cocksucker! Just a dirty little faggot, aren't you! Jeffrey!" Lane looked over his shoulder. "Jeffrey come look at this little bitch that you found! He's completely turned on by me, look!"_

_That was when Tony realized that he *was* turned on. But how could that be? How could he be hard like he was, aroused like he was, when he didn't want this? He loved Jethro! How could he be getting hard like this for Lane? Or Jeffrey? Why was his body doing this? He couldn't…this was wrong…Jethro would never forgive him…_

_It was that realization…that no matter the outcome, he'd lose Jethro forever…that finally sent Tony into oblivion._

_**End Flashback**_

Tony was crying again by the time he finished, quiet tears streaked down his face and he couldn't lift his gaze off of his lap. He couldn't look at his lover, couldn't watch the anger cross his face, couldn't watch him get up and walk out the door and never come back.

God he wanted to die.

Gibbs sat on the bed, stunned by the memory that Tony had just shared with him. Stunned because of the horrific violence of the assault, both emotional and physical…stunned because, even though Tony knew what had taken place, he still blamed himself.

"Tony…Tony listen to me. You with me? You listening?" Gibbs didn't reach out to touch Tony because he knew Tony wasn't in a place to receive physical contact, no matter how gentle or reassuring it would be. But he could see the downward spiral of thoughts beginning, reflected in his partner's face.

Tony nodded, but didn't look up. _Here it comes_, he thought to himself. _He's going to leave you, because you're worthless and you're dirty and you're unfaithful and—_

"HEY!" Gibbs' sharp word broke Tony out of his endless spiral of self pity and he looked up before he thought about it. "Tony I'm not leaving you," Gibbs said. Tony blinked, confused. "I'm not leaving you," Gibbs repeated. He shifted so he was sitting beside Tony on the bed. "This wasn't your fault. Your blood work…do you remember it? They said you had Viagra in your system. That'd have made you aroused if you'd been watching groundhogs knit—it was the drugs Sweetheart. It wasn't you. You didn't choose this. You didn't want it. I know you didn't. But your body was under an influence it couldn't fight down. You couldn't help it."

Tony's eyes filled with tears and he looked down. When would he stop crying? Would he ever stop crying?

Gibbs tapped him lightly under his chin and Tony raised his gaze slowly. "This. Is. Not. Your. Fault," Gibbs said slowly.

Tony put his face in his hands and his shoulders shook but there was no sound. Gibbs took a chance and ran a hand lightly across Tony's shoulders. "Let me help you," he breathed into Tony's ear. "Let me love you."

Tony flinched away at those words. He didn't want that. He couldn't handle that right now. "No," he whispered. "N-noo please d-don't…please I can't…I c-can't h-handle that…please no," he begged softly, words barely escaping through his tears.

Gibbs immediately realized his mistake and pulled back. "Oh no Tony I didn't mean that…I wouldn't ask that of you right now…you're hurting though…I want to help you. Let me take care of you—let me show you I love you that way. We aren't having sex tonight Sweetheart. That's on your terms, whenever you are ready. We're not going there tonight…shhhh…I'm sorry I scared you," Gibbs whispered. He wrapped his arm around Tony's shoulder and pulled him close. "I'm so sorry," he whispered into Tony's hair. "You're safe with me. I've got you now. No one can hurt you."

Tony leaned his head against Jethro's shoulder and sobbed harder. He didn't know what to do. He didn't know how to get past this. He still felt so guilty. He shouldn't have been given the drugs in the first place—should have come up with some reason to not drink that damn whiskey.

Tony didn't even hear the nurse come in. She saw Tony leaned against Agent Gibbs and couldn't help but feel sorry for this man. For both of them. Their pain was raw and evident in every fiber of their being. She gently set the cup of ice on the rollaway table and Gibbs nodded his thanks.

"If you need anything just hit the button," the nurse said softly. She watched them for a moment, before picking up the basin that Tony had thrown up into. "Are you sure he doesn't want…" This was a hospital. Surely they could do _something_ to ease this man's pain?

Gibbs shook his head. "He needs to get this out," he whispered. "He'll sleep afterwards, I'm sure. No drugs. If he wants some he'll tell us."

The nurse nodded, but she didn't like it. Her patient needed to rest, needed to heal. He couldn't do those things if he couldn't calm down. But maybe his boss was right. He probably knew him better anyway. "I'm here if you need me," she whispered.

Gibbs nodded again, and watched as she left. He carefully straightened the blankets over Tony's lap, making sure that he wasn't cold. With his free hand he dragged the rollaway table close again. Gibbs poured a bit of ginger ale into the cup with the ice in it and the let it sit for a minute. He wanted it good and cold for Tony.

Tony kept his face hidden in Gibbs' shoulder, too tired to see anymore, to think anymore. He just wanted to go to sleep. He didn't understand why Gibbs wasn't furious with him—why hadn't he left? Tony had really screwed the pooch on this case…how could Gibbs still look him in the eye? How could he tell him over and over again that he'd done nothing wrong? He yawned suddenly. He was so damn tired. God he didn't want to dream though…he'd dream if he fell asleep.

"Here babe," Gibbs said softly. "Have some of this. It'll help settle your stomach. We get ya home you can have a shot of bourbon if you need to settle your nerves, but for now this is all we have. Ginger ale. I got it cold for ya so maybe you won't get sick this time." Gibbs raised the small plastic cup to Tony's lips and Tony drank just a tiny bit.

The liquid was cool, and it burned his lips and tongue with its spicy flavor. Tony let out a long breath and took another small sip, but then recoiled suddenly.

"N-noo," he whimpered softly.

Gibbs' eyes widened with confusion. "What Tony? What's wrong?"

"N-no more d-drugs," he forced out. God how could he have been so stupid to even go there? What was he thinking? The drink was how they'd drugged him the first time!

"There's no drugs here Tony. It's only soda with ice. Nothing in it to hurt you."

"N-nooo g-gonna make me s-sleep. Don't…don't wanna," he mumbled around a yawn.

"I'm not gonna make you do anything Sweetheart," Gibbs said softly. "I want you to feel comfortable, and I want you to know I'd never hurt you, but I'm not gonna force you to do anything."

"Will you stay," Tony whispered. He snaked a hand out from under the blanket and latched on to Gibbs' wrist. "Please don't…don't let them hurt me again."

The desperation in Tony's voice nearly broke Gibbs. He pulled Tony close again and pressed a gentle kiss to the top of his head. "You leave everything to me," he said softly. "I've got your six."

Those words…they were like a soothing balm on his soul. He felt like he could relax, he could rest now…Gibbs had him…Gibbs wouldn't let anyone hurt him…Gibbs was watching his six again… "Thank you," Tony whispered, just before he dropped off into an exhausted sleep, his hand still clutching Gibbs' arm, his head still on the older man's shoulder.

"Just rest babe," Gibbs whispered into Tony's hair. "I've got you now. Just please, please let me help you."

xxx

By the time the sun rose the guilt was eating Gibbs alive. He should have protected Tony from White. He should have put the pieces together before it was too late. He should have been able to get there in time to apprehend Lane and White before they attacked Tony, and before White killed Lane, and before Tony killed White. Those were things Gibbs should have done to protect Tony.

And now Tony was lying here in the bed, still sleeping thankfully, obviously exhausted by the events of the past few days.

Gibbs paced the room and looked at the clock for the thousandth time in the last hour. 6:48am. Tony had been asleep for about three hours. Gibbs ran a hand across his face and looked out the window at the sun slowly rising. He passed by Tony's bed on his next pace around the room and paused to pull the blankets higher over Tony's shoulder, smiling softly when Tony didn't even stir. Gibbs noticed in the early morning light that Tony's skin had returned to its natural tanned color, relieved finally of the faint pinkness it had taken on from the shower.

He heard a noise behind him and turned as the door to the room opened. There was Ducky, complete with jacket and bowtie, a look of concern on his face.

"Mother's nurse arrived early," Ducky explained. "I wanted to check on young Anthony as soon as possible." He held out a cup of coffee from Gibbs' usual coffee shop. Gibbs pounced it, sucking down the brew as though it was the elixir of the gods.

"Mmmm…Thanks Duck," Gibbs said softly. He turned and looked at Tony and Ducky came to stand next to him.

"How _is_ Anthony, Jethro?"

"He's uh…come over here," Jethro led Ducky over to the door, opened it and ushered them into the hallway. Jethro took care to make sure he remained in the doorway—still guarding and protecting Tony, but now far enough away that he could speak to his friend without fear of waking Tony or Tony overhearing.

"He's not doing so great, Duck. I mean physically I guess he's ok. Nearly scalded himself in the shower last night, and his back's hurting pretty bad. He threw up several times. Emotionally…Duck I've never seen anything like this. He's scared one minute, angry the next, completely distraught after that…he clings to me then pushes me away, initiates physical touch then lashes out…I don't know what the hell to do."

"You're already doing it, dear boy," Ducky said softly, patting Gibbs gently on the arm. "Has he talked at all about what happened?"

Gibbs nodded tightly. "He remembers them drugging him. He remembers being raped and having an erection…God…Duck he…" Gibbs let out a long breath, "he thinks he was unfaithful to me because of all of this."

For the first time Gibbs found he was glad Ducky had figured them out. It would have been so much harder to talk to his friend about this if he hadn't known…

"Jethro you've reassured him that he wasn't unfaithful, haven't you? That this wasn't his fault and that biology played a role in this?"

Gibbs nodded. "I told him…I reminded him about his blood work and how they found the Viagra in his system and that the drugs were to blame for him getting so aroused by the…uh…incident."

"You have to be able to call it what it is, Jethro. If you can't do it we will never be able to expect Anthony to do it. There was more than just the drugs at work here though. Because of the nature of his assault, Tony's body would likely have responded with arousal anyway, even if there had been no drugs used. It's nature's way of protecting oneself. If those…bastards actually hit Tony's prostate gland then he would have been aroused by the attack anyway."

Gibbs nodded. "I know," he said softly. "There was no way for him not to be aroused by this, even though it was against his will. He didn't want this. He's so scared I'm going to leave him."

"That is a natural concern," Ducky said. "He's ashamed of what happened. He can't understand why this was done to him, and because he is so typically in control of his surroundings, it would be a devastating blow to him to lose that control. All you can do is be consistent Jethro. Don't change with him. Be the lover, the familiar person that he's used to. Follow his lead and it will work out."

"He asked me not to leave him," Gibbs said softly, glancing over his shoulder. Tony had shifted to his back again.

"Then stay with him," Ducky said simply with a small shrug and a gentle smile.

Gibbs moved to Tony's side as he began to unsettle. "Easy Tony," Gibbs said, gently pulling Tony back onto his side instead of his back. "Got your six Sweetheart," he whispered into his partner's ear. Tony smiled slightly in his sleep and settled back down. Gibbs brushed a hand lightly over Tony's hair. "Attaboy," he whispered.

xxx

Later that morning when the sun was high in the sky, the doctor came in. Tony had awakened once, stumbled to the bathroom and then come back and dropped listlessly back into bed. He wanted another shower, but didn't have the energy to do it yet. He barely acknowledged that Ducky was back with him, and that Jethro was watching him carefully.

Gibbs handed Tony the cup of water after he got back in bed and Tony eyed him. "Got to keep your fluids up," Gibbs said softly. "You don't need to get dehydrated on top of everything else."

"Why don't you let _me_ worry about what I need, _Boss,_" Tony snapped, snatching the cup.

Gibbs narrowed his eyes but bit back his snappish retort. Ducky however, spoke up.

"Anthony, my dear boy, I understand you are feeling poorly, however you mustn't take it out on Jethro—the man's stayed up guarding over you all night long! He's attended your every need and taken care of you unfailingly since we found you yesterday." The scolding was gentle, but it was impossible to miss that it was, in fact, a scolding.

Tony was immediately contrite, and turned glassy eyes toward his partner. "I'm sorry Jet," he whispered. "I don't know what's wrong with me." He took a small sip of the water.

Gibbs took the cup back and sat down. "There's nothing wrong with you," he said gently. "You've just got a lot on your plate right now."

"Why do I keep snapping at you? I was horrible to you last night. You must feel like you've gotten whiplash from me," Tony looked down. "I feel like _I've _got whiplash from me," he said softly.

Ducky stepped up next to Tony's bed. "My dear boy. Have you considered speaking with someone about this?"

Tony's eyes shot up. He looked first at Ducky and then accusingly at Gibbs. "Is that what this is? A little scheme to get me to talk to some shrink?"

"No Tony," Gibbs said firmly, shooting a glance at Ducky that said silently to _shut up, _"We're both just concerned about you. We want to make sure you are alright—mind and body. That's all."

"Right," Tony said softly. "Why would I think you were trying to set me up? You wouldn't do that Jet—you hate shrinks as much as I do. I'm sorry," Tony said. "Shit there I go again," Tony said with a sad chuckle, as tears started down his face again. "Can I please…stop…crying?"

There was a knock at the door and Dr. Jacobsen poked her head in. "Good morning," she said cheerfully. "Tony? How are you this morning?"

"Fantastic," Tony grumbled.

Without thinking, Gibbs reached out and slapped Tony lightly, right over the back of the head. Everyone in the room froze for a moment—including Gibbs, and Tony stared up at his lover. Finally a small smile crossed his face.

"Thank you," he said softly. "That was the most normal thing that's happened to me since I went undercover." Tony looked at the doctor. "Can I go home yet?"

TBC…


	6. I Can't Wash Them Off

**Warning**: Content may be disturbing to some readers.  
><em>Thanks as always to my wonderful friend. You are so brave and strong! Hugs!<em>

**No Chains Holding Me  
><strong>**Chapter 6: I Can't Wash Them Off**

Gibbs opened Tony's car door and peered inside the car. Tony had opted to ride in the backseat once again, because he still didn't feel safe having that much open space behind him in a car yet. Being nearly attacked from the back had left quite an impression on Tony, and Gibbs hoped that this would not become an on-going fear for him.

"You ready to go inside?" Gibbs kept his voice soft, giving Tony choices. Tony needed control. He needed to feel like he was in charge of his own destiny.

Tony nodded and slowly eased himself out of the back seat. His back was still kinked up and his ribs were still bruised thanks to the multiple tumbles and falls that he'd been literally dragged on thanks to Jeffrey White. Tony was moving slowly, taking his time, moving deliberately so as not to hurt himself worse.

Gibbs shut the door behind Tony and then hurried to stay beside him. When they reached the front steps of Gibbs' house, Tony hesitated slightly, wondering if he would actually be able to make it up the steps under his own steam. He looked at Gibbs with trepidation and the older man smiled encouragingly.

"I'm here if you need me," he said softly. Tony swore it was like the man could read his mind some days. He nodded and smiled slightly, unable to speak around the lump of fear in his throat.

They were home. The doctors and nurses had let him leave the hospital, really without much argument at all. But that led to a new problem…they were home. Would things go back to normal? When would Tony go back to work? Would he sleep in the same bed with Gibbs? What if he stayed home alone while Gibbs went to work and someone knocked on the door? Was it expected that he behave like he always did? Should he shrug this off and act like nothing is wrong? _Could_ he shrug this off and act like nothing is wrong? What was going to happen the next time they worked a rape case? What about when Gibbs wanted to have sex? What about kissing? What about—

A light, but firm headslap rocked him forward ever so slightly. "Take it easy," Gibbs said. "All we're doing is walking inside. We'll take the next step whenever you're ready. Once we're inside we'll decide if you want to rest or eat. It's one thing at a time Tony. We're gonna take everything nice and easy today. You're thinking too hard."

Tony blinked and looked at him. Slowly he nodded. "Hard not to," he whispered.

"If you need to just shut down for a while that's alright Tony," Gibbs said gently. "Just trust me to take care of you."

Fear rose in Tony's gut. Could he do that?

"Can you do that?" Gibbs was reading his mind again.

Slowly Tony nodded. "I think so," he whispered. His mouth was dry. He needed something to drink. "Thirsty," he whispered.

Gibbs nodded. "Let's go inside, and then we'll get you a drink. One step at a time, see? Nice and easy."

They slowly made their way up the front steps to the house. Tony stopped at the door and stared at it for a long moment. "Nice and warm inside," Gibbs whispered. "I've got your six babe," he said. "You're safe. Just trust me."

Tony's hand found Gibbs' as they slowly crossed the threshold into the house. Gibbs shut the door behind them and turned back to Tony.

"Could we um…that is I…dammit…"

Gibbs stepped closer and looked at him carefully. "Deep breaths," he said softly. He carefully ran his hands up and down the outside of Tony's arms. "You're safe here. You're home here. With me. You're safe."

"Will you lock the door," Tony whispered, dropping his chin to his chest. "I'm sorry I know it's weak, but I can't help thinking that…and if you locked it then he couldn't…good God what's wrong with me, he's dead—how can I still be so…he is _dead._"

Gibbs flipped the lock on the knob and the deadbolt above the knob as well. "There we go," he said with a small smile. "Locking up tight. No one will get in here without your permission alright?"

Tony nodded.

"You wanna sit on the couch and I'll bring you a glass of water?"

Tony nodded, as if on autopilot and headed for the couch. Gibbs, satisfied, turned and headed toward the kitchen. He'd just gotten a glass down from the cabinet and turned on the water when a hand wrapped around his wrist and he nearly jumped out of his skin. Tony could be so stealthily quiet when he wanted to be it was absolutely eerie.

"Tony? You ok?"

"I'll get my own drink," Tony said softly. He took the cup from Gibbs and set it on the counter before opening the cabinet and pulling out another cup. He carefully washed it and then dried it. After that he filled the glass with water and lifted it to his lips.

_**Flashback**_

_He recalled how they'd held his nose shut, forcing him to open his mouth to breathe. They poured whiskey into his mouth, causing him to choke as he struggled for air._

"_Ya little pussy you think you're so tough. Can't even hold your damn liquor! Look how nasty and drunk you already are!" Lane was so hateful and mean. He poured more whiskey down Tony's throat. "Drink up asshole. We're having a party in the cabin tonight!"_

_**End Flashback**_

The glass dropped from Tony's suddenly boneless fingers and shattered as it hit the sink and floor. Water splashed everywhere, startling Tony out of his memory. He saw the mess he'd made and looked at Gibbs with a mix of fear and confusion on his face.

"What happened," Tony whispered.

"I was hoping you could tell me," Gibbs said gently.

"I should have fixed my own drink in the cabin," Tony said softly. "Shoulda drank water."

"Tony…babe I know you think you did something wrong here, but there was really no choice. If you'd refused to drink you would have blown your cover."

"There had to be another way," Tony insisted. "I screwed up; I know I did!"

Gibbs grabbed the broom out of the small utility closet and began to sweep up the broken glass. "I can't think of any other way," he said softly. He cleaned quietly for a moment, scraping up the broken glass and dumping it in the trash.

"Are you still thirsty?"

Tony shook his head. Not thirsty.

"Are you hungry?"

Tony shook his head again.

"Do you want to lie down? Been a rough few days. Think we could both use a nap."

Tony thought about it for a moment then shook his head. "I need a shower," he said softly.

Gibbs looked up sharply. "You just took one last night at the hospital. Why do you need another one?"

Tony dipped his head in shame. "I don't know," he whispered. "But I do. I have to take a shower."

Gibbs sensed that Tony was beginning to panic, and without thinking, grabbed his arm. "Hey it's ok," he said softly.

Tony flinched away, bumping his elbow painfully on the counter. He looked up at Gibbs with an unreadable expression and stared at him for a long moment before he dropped his gaze and shook his head. "I should go home," he whispered. "This was a mistake." He turned and started towards the door but Gibbs gently blocked his path.

"Hey…Tony I'm sorry," he said. "I screwed up. I shouldn't have said that. If you need a shower that's fine honey. You know you're welcome to do whatever you need to do here."

"Can't help it," Tony said softly. "I'm dirty. Can't you see it on me? It's covering me. I have to get it off."

Tony was wearing some spare clothes that Ducky had brought for him last night when they sent him to get stuff they needed for overnight. Now Tony tugged and pulled on his clothes as if they were sticking to him or hurting him in some way.

"You can take a shower if you need to," Gibbs said, placating the younger man. He didn't understand Tony's new fascination with taking showers, but it was obvious that he was not going to back down from it, and it was obvious that Gibbs was not invited. "What if I make us something to eat while you take your shower?"

Tony blinked rapidly, trying to make sense of everything in his world that was so out of sorts. "O-ok," he said softly. "Y-Yeah, that sounds g-good."

"Ok. Anything special you want to eat?"

Tony shook his head and headed for the bathroom. He wasn't hungry. He was dirty. He couldn't think about food until he'd taken a shower. "Whatever you want," Tony called softly over his shoulder.

Gibbs watched him go. Once he was out of sight he ran a hand through his hair and pulled out his phone. He needed help.

xxx

Tony walked into the bathroom and locked the door behind him. He looked at himself in the mirror over the sink. There was a cut or two on his face, but nothing bad. He needed to shave; the five o'clock shadow he'd sported for his look was turning into a full grown scruffy mess. What worried him most was his eyes. He didn't look like himself. Sure his features hadn't changed that much, aside from the injuries and the disguise he'd worn, but…he didn't look like himself. He looked like a man who was…who had been…

Tony turned away from the mirror and flipped the water on. He adjusted the temperature until it was hot and then turned it so it was just a bit too hot. He had to get this…this ick off of him. He pulled off the clothes Ducky had brought for him and held them in his hands. He balled them up slowly, working them back and forth from one hand to the other. He bit his lower lip and paused for a moment before throwing the clothes in the wastebasket next to the sink. He couldn't wear them anymore. They were dirty. He was glad he didn't have the clothes he'd been wearing on the job…those were dirty too, but Gibbs needed them for evidence. He needed them to justify the killing of Jeffrey White and for the investigation of Lane's murder.

Slowly, Tony pulled back the curtain and stepped inside the shower, hissing softly when the hot water hit his sensitive skin. The warmth felt pretty good on his bruised ribs and he leaned forward slightly, feeling the water run down over his back and sides and he sighed softly and closed his eyes.

He began to run his hands over his body, his muscular chest and his well toned stomach and hips. He ran his hands up and down his arms, trying to feel something other than nasty. Picking up the loofah sponge that he kept at Gibbs' house, he added a generous amount of his favorite body wash and began to scrub. In Tony's mind it was as though his skin were coated with the blackest of tar, painted on by the ones who assaulted him, tarnishing him both externally and internally. The shower helped. He could scrub the tar away, scrub the dirty off and be left looking and feeling like himself again.

The problem was…it didn't last.

Tony washed and washed, but every time he'd see a glimpse of clean skin, it was immediately taken over and covered by the inky blackness again. The blackness swirled down the drain as quickly as it reappeared and covered his skin in an endless cycle.

Tony added more soap and kept scrubbing. He barely felt the heat from the water now, so he turned it up even higher. He breathed deeply, taking in the steam from the shower mixed with the soothing scent of eucalyptus from his body wash and closed his eyes. He could do this. He could be ok. He scrubbed some more, and looked down at his body, groaning when he saw the inky black dirtiness covering his entire body—even the parts that couldn't have gotten dirty because they'd been so meticulously covered up.

He scrubbed and washed and rinsed and scrubbed again, adding more body wash, not seeing that he'd used over half a bottle. Tony washed and scrubbed at his most private areas next, breathing sighs of relief when he saw the dirt wash away, only to groan again when it immediately reappeared. Unsure of what to do, Tony cranked the hot water up even higher, whimpering in pain a bit at how hot the water had gotten and he redoubled his efforts, scrubbing even harder.

As Tony washed and scrubbed, he realized something else was happening to him. He was becoming aroused and his washing and rubbing to get the dirt away had caused him to develop an erection, only about halfway, but enough for Tony's nostrils to flare in fear and his eyes to widen in panic.

"No," he whispered to his penis. "No you can't do that, don't do that, why do you keep doing this even when I don't tell you to," he murmured desperately as his body betrayed him. In his hysteria to get clean, Tony continued to wash and rub at himself, making his 'problem' worse instead of better. When his erection refused to die down and his body was once again consumed by the black, tar-like substance that only he could see, Tony dropped to his knees in anguish, wrapping his arms around his middle, and sobbing out his frustration.

This had to stop. Something had to give. He had to find a way to get clean.

xxx

While Tony was in the shower, Gibbs spoke with Ducky on the phone.

"_Jethro you've barely been gone an hour from the hospital."_

"Need some advice Duck," Gibbs said softly. "I'm screwing this all to hell."

"_Things with Anthony are not going to be easy for some time Jethro. You have to understand that now."_

"I know that much," Gibbs said. "What I need to know more of is what the heck is going on inside Tony's head? He wouldn't even let me get him a glass of water. Had to do it himself."

"_Ah well that, in itself, is not surprising Jethro. Think of it. He was drugged with a drink someone else gave to him. It may be an unconscious gesture on Anthony's part. He may also be struggling to regain some control in his world. You, of all people, know how much Anthony despises feeling or appearing weak."_

"He isn't weak Ducky! I've never even hinted that I would even think that!"

"_My dear boy, as both your friend and Anthony's, let me tell you this. Put your pride aside. This is not about you. This is about helping our dear Anthony back onto level ground. Treat him as you normally would to some degree. If he normally would get his own drink, then so long as he is able, allow him to do that. If he wants to fix himself a sandwich, let him. Don't coddle him Jethro. He won't allow that and he will push you away to stop it."_

Gibbs sighed. "I know you're right. I just…I'm so worried about him. He's not…He's not the same."

"_And he may never be the same again Jethro. This affects a person on such a deep, fundamental level, that it can truly alter them for life. The question you have to answer is can you handle that?"_

"I want to handle it," Gibbs said. "I just am not sure I won't screw up trying."

"_This is why I have recommended you both speak with someone about everything that's happened. There is no harm in consulting a professional for assistance, especially in a situation like this. It would likely save both of you a lot of time and pain and grief, if you would consider it."_

"I'll think about it and talk to Tony about it," Gibbs said with a sigh. "Something's gotta help."

"_Something else you might want to mention to Tony," Ducky said gently, "is how you're going to tell the team what happened."_

"I'm going to leave that up to Tony. If he wants to tell them, then he can, but if he doesn't…I'm not going to force him."

"_Understandable. I have only told them today that Tony is decompressing after his undercover assignment and you are staying with him to provide assistance if necessary."_

"That's good Duck. I'll give Kate a call later and let her know when I think I might be back to work."

"_When do you think you might be back to work?" Ducky asked gently._

"I have no idea," Gibbs said grimly.

xxx

After he got off the phone with Ducky, Gibbs opened the refrigerator to find something to make for lunch. There wasn't much in there, but then again, they'd been gone for a few days—Tony undercover, and Gibbs at the office and in the field tracking him. There hadn't been any time to come home and make food.

Gibbs peered in the cabinets and quickly decided that he needed to go to the store. But he also knew that Tony wasn't ready for that. So he pulled out his phone and dialed the local pizza parlor. He ordered a Tony-special: Sausage, Pepperoni and Extra Cheese to be delivered in the customary half an hour.

Once he got off the phone, Gibbs realized that the water in the bathroom was still running. Was Tony still in the shower? Gibbs glanced at the clock and realized how long Tony had been in the bathroom and hurried up the stairs to check on his lover.

xxx

Gibbs knocked on the door. He recalled last night in the hospital bathroom when he'd scared Tony so badly. Tony had been completely wrapped up in his own headspace though, and hadn't heard Gibbs come into the room. The older man was worried about scaring him again, so he knocked even louder when he didn't get a response.

"Tony? Babe you still in the shower? I ordered pizza."

His gut churned with anxiety and concern and his hand felt for the knob, even as he still knocked on the door. Full blown panic erupted when Gibbs realized the door was locked. Glancing down, Gibbs could see steam seeping out from under the door, creating a moist fog around his feet.

"Tony! Honey open the door!"

He twisted the knob uselessly, even as his brain told him to pull out the lock-pick kit and open it. He slammed his weight against the door a couple of times, before stopping and reaching into his pocket.

"I'm coming in Tony. It's just me. It's Jethro. I'm coming in."

Gibbs quickly and efficiently picked the lock on the bathroom door. He didn't like that Tony had locked himself in the bathroom, but he understood—at least he thought he did—why he'd done it. He swung open the door and gasped as the steam wafted out of the bathroom, billowing like smoke into the bedroom.

"Tony! Tony can you hear me?"

Gibbs paused only for a split second when he saw the balled up clothes in the wastebasket. Why had he thrown the clothes away? He didn't have time to worry about that right now though. Now he had to figure out how to help Tony.

He slowly pulled back the curtain and gasped. Tony was on his knees in the shower again, scrubbing with his shower sponge, sobbing almost hysterically. He was muttering to himself and scrubbing, then rinsing, then rubbing, then scrubbing and starting all over again. He had long scratches down his arms and his thighs where he'd scrubbed so hard and some of the especially deep ones were angry and red, threatening to bleed.

Gibbs reached in and shut the water off. He grabbed a couple of towels from the closet and wet them in the sink with cool water. He unrolled them gently and draped them carefully over Tony's back that was pink and hot, scalded by the heat of the shower.

Tony gasped at the sudden cool contact and looked around. He blinked several times as he came back to himself and looked up and saw Jethro. Thank God Jethro hadn't left him yet! Oh he couldn't bear the thought of the older man leaving, but for now he wouldn't think of that.

"J-Jethro," Tony whispered, his voice tired and cracking from the harsh sobbing.

Gibbs gently cupped his partner's face in his hands. "Are you alright? You scared me," he said gently.

"I-I don't think I am," Tony whispered. He leaned against his lover as a new wave of sobs erupted from his chest. "I-I don't know w-what t-to do," he cried pitifully. "I d-don't know h-how to make it g-go away. I-I don't know how t-to wash it off."

Gibbs wrapped his arms around Tony and hugged him gently, resting his cheek on top of Tony's head. "Shhhh it's going to be alright Tony," he murmured. "What don't you know how to wash off?"

Tony moaned and buried his face in the side of Gibbs' neck. He mumbled something but Gibbs couldn't understand it. "What was that babe? I didn't hear you."

Tony turned his head slightly and spoke again, his voice soft and defeated. "The blackness…it's covering me…I'm suffocating under it…can't you see it Jet? It's all over me, it's on my clothes, in the tub, on the towels…everything I touch is ruined by it."

A thought suddenly occurred to him and he pulled back violently, shaking off the towels cooling his back and pushing his lover away. "No don't!"

"Don't what? Talk to me Tony. Just keep talking. We'll figure it out, but you can't get lost inside your head like that. I can't help you when you do that. I don't know how to help you."

"If you touch me it'll get on you too…you'll be dirty…like me…oh God Jethro you can't do that—don't let it get on you! It's so hard to get off, it won't come off!"

"Ok ok shhhh take it easy. Let's get out of the shower and get you dressed. Saw your clothes in the trash there…what happened to them?"

"They're ruined," Tony said, his face pink with shame, and his eyes on the floor. "They're dirty. Have to get rid of them. Can't wear them anymore."

Gibbs did not follow that at all, but if the clothes were covered in whatever-it-was that Tony was seeing on himself, then maybe it made a bit more sense. "Let's get ya dressed," he said softly, steering Tony to the bedroom. "I ordered us a pizza. We need to go to the grocery store and get some things—we have next to no food at all in the house."

"No," Tony whispered softly.

Gibbs turned to him. "What?"

"I can't do that…I can't go…anywhere…not yet. I'm sorry!"

"You don't have to. We can…I'll call Ducky and give him a list. How bout that? He can bring it by later."

Tony nodded, that stiff jerky movement Gibbs had only seen the day before. He was clearly uncomfortable.

Gibbs let out a slow breath. "Um…are you ok to get dressed on your own?"

Tony looked at him, not sure what to make of Gibbs' words. He slowly nodded. "Yeah I'm fine," he said hoarsely.

"I'm gonna go downstairs and see if the pizza is here yet," Gibbs said. "If you need me just yell ok?"

Tony nodded and watched as his lover walked away. He nearly broke down again, but took a deep breath and regained control. At least for the minute, anyway. He opened the dresser and pulled on a pair of boxers. Next he took out a pair of jeans. He pulled them on slowly, relishing the soft fabric and how comfortable they felt. An old t-shirt followed and Tony shut the drawers back, making sure they were all closed tightly. He picked up his towel and the two towels Gibbs had slung over his back and he threw them into the wastebasket with the clothes. After a second thought he tossed the loofah sponge in the trash as well.

xxx

When he got down the stairs, he found Gibbs taking a beer out of the fridge. "You want one?" God bless Gibbs, he was trying to hard to act normally.

"No I think I just want water," Tony said softly. He wasn't sure he'd be able to handle the burn of alcohol in his throat ever again.

He reached up and took a glass down out of the cabinet and washed it carefully. Then he filled it up with water slowly. He set it on the counter and then ran his hands under the spray. He turned the water temperature up so that it was warm again—there wasn't enough hot water left to make it hot. Tony added soap to his hands and began washing.

Tony realized he must have gotten caught up in washing his hands when Jethro reached over and gently turned off the water. He looked nervously up at Jethro, grimness and shyness taking over. "I did it again, didn't I?"

Gibbs nodded silently.

"Sorry," Tony said softly. "I really…I can't help it."

"Tony," Gibbs said quietly, "why do you keep washing?"

"I already told you—it's because I'm dirty. I can't get it to wash off."

"Can't get what to wash off Sweetheart?"

Tony looked at Gibbs for a long moment, before he dropped his eyes in shame. "Them…I can't wash them off of me."

TBC…


	7. Betrayal

**Author's Note:** If you have constructive criticism, great! If you want to be snarky and rude-keep it to yourself. A friendly reminder—if you don't like my story, please spare us both and **DON'T READ IT!** Thanks.  
><em>Thanks to my dear friend for helping me with this story. You are an amazing inspiration to the people around you—even when you don't realize you're doing it. Love ya!<em>

**No Chains Holding Me  
><strong>**Chapter 7: Betrayal**

Tony looked up at Gibbs with pleading eyes. He knew he wasn't ok. He knew he wasn't just shoving this behind a mask as was his normal behavior. But this was…there was something about this…he felt stripped bare to his soul. He was scared. He was weary. He was exhausted.

"I…I don't think I'm ok," Tony whispered, looking down at his hands, seeing them once again covered in the inky blackness. He shoved them into his pockets, thinking fleetingly that he'd have to throw these beloved jeans away now that he'd just ruined them…he looked up at Jethro. "Jethro," he said softly. "Jethro please help me."

"Why don't we go sit down and try to calm down," Gibbs said softly. He held out a hand to welcome Tony to follow, but Tony flinched back slightly and Gibbs dropped his hand. "Come on Tony," he said softly.

"Y-you go ahead," Tony whispered. "I'm c-coming behind you." He still couldn't bear the thought of someone being behind him—not even Jethro.

Gibbs nodded. He'd expected that much from Tony. Turning slowly, he picked up his coffee and headed for the living room. He sat on the couch, making sure to sit at one end, leaving Tony plenty of room if he wanted to join him on the couch, but also leaving him the option of the recliner or the rocking chair if he preferred one of them.

Tony joined him in the living room and sat down in the rocking chair. He lighted on it long enough to let his back hit the wooden slats on the back of the chair before he shot off of it quite suddenly, causing Gibbs to raise his gaze sharply in surprise. Tony paced awkwardly for a moment, his movements seemed almost desperate—like a caged animal. His eyes were wild and he ran his hands through his hair, tugging and pulling on the unruly strands, before he dropped onto the recliner. He let out a slow breath and tried to calm down, and just as he thought he might succeed, the doorbell rang.

Tony shot off of the chair and raced out of the room, mumbling and whispering to himself. He disappeared down the hall before Gibbs could even react. He sighed and turned to the door. He opened it up and paid the pizza boy, thanking him and shutting the door and locking it behind him. He set the pizza on the coffee table and went looking for Tony.

Gibbs found Tony under the hull of the boat in the basement. Tony was rocking slightly, his head bowed low, and his fingers laced over the back of his neck.

"Pizza's here," Gibbs said softly, biting his lip to keep from asking the obvious question. A_re you alright?_

Tony nodded but didn't move out from under the boat. "W-we should eat," he said softly after a long silence. _No I'm definitely not alright._

Gibbs held out his hand to help Tony up and to his surprise, Tony slowly reached out and accepted his assistance.

"I screwed up Boss," Tony said softly. Gibbs wondered if this was going to be the moment when Tony was going to finally, _finally_ open up and talk to him.

"How's that Tony? Talk it out," Gibbs encouraged softly.

Tony leaned against the frame of the boat and crossed his arms over his chest. Gibbs leaned next to him and Tony leaned into him slightly.

"Everyone knows…when you're in a horror movie the first person who dies is the one who either runs upstairs or down to the basement…there is no out when you do this…I've watched…enough movies…should have known better."

Gibbs let out a long breath. "Ah Tony…" he whispered. "What am I gonna do with ya?" He looked at his partner in a sideways glance. Tony returned his gaze, albeit somewhat sheepishly.

"Love me?"

Gibbs smiled and wrapped his fingers around Tony's hand. "Babe you don't even have to ask," he said softly. "C'mon. Let's eat."

At the top of the stairs, Gibbs glanced over his shoulder in surprise when Tony headed for the kitchen, and he hoped to God that his lover wasn't going to start washing his hands again. He decided to give him a moment to himself, and Gibbs went back to the couch. Tony appeared a moment later with a plate, a knife, and a fork.

Gibbs raised an eyebrow. Normally they just opened the box and ate straight from it. Tony looked so…civilized with his dinnerware that Gibbs wondered if he should grab a plate too. He was mildly surprised when Tony joined him on the couch.

"Sorry," Tony apologized, misinterpreting Gibbs' curious expression. "I um…I don't wanna eat with my fingers," he said softly. "They're um…"

"Hey," Gibbs murmured softly, putting his hand over Tony's. "It's ok. You don't have to explain it. I think I understand. Do what you have to do in order to feel comfortable alright?"

Tony looked at his lap and nodded. Jethro opened the pizza box and inhaled deeply. He was starving. It had been…a long time since he'd eaten a full meal. He pulled out a piece of pizza and then motioned for Tony to grab some as well. Tony's movements were much slower, much more deliberate, and he was almost obsessive with not letting his hands touch the food at all.

Gibbs began to eat and out of the corner of his eye watched as Tony carefully cut a bite of pizza and put it in his mouth. He chewed slowly, and Gibbs could almost see it happening…Tony was going to get sick if he kept eating.

"You doin' ok?" He couldn't help but ask his partner.

Tony swallowed heavily and then nodded. "Think so," he said nervously. He slowly ate another bite of pizza.

Gibbs grabbed another piece when he finished his first and realized Tony had only eaten about three bites. His lover sat staring at the plate in his lap, a mildly ill expression on his face, his fingers rolling the knife and fork over nervously in his hands. Finally he set the plate and the utensils on the coffee table and put his face in his hands.

Jethro reached a gentle hand out and rested it on Tony's shoulder.

_**Flashback**_

_Jeffrey rattled off the number to the storage unit they were looking for and Tony parked the sedan in front of it. He was glad to just be stopped. He felt so sick and nauseous…how much did he drink last night?...He just wanted to lay down and sleep. He hoped Jethro was on his trail so that they could wrap this up peacefully._

_Tony glanced around the storage facility, looking for Lane, wondering where he'd pop up. Tony didn't trust him, not at all. Behind him in the back seat, Jeffrey was rambling on and on about what he was going to do with his share of the money._

"_I wanna go scuba diving!" He exclaimed suddenly._

_Tony glanced around the lot again and gazed into the rearview mirror. "You can't swim Jeffrey," he reminded his companion. "That might be a problem."_

_Jeffrey suddenly scooted much closer to Tony. "You could teach me to swim," he purred softly in Tony's ear._

_****FLASH****_

"_I want you to listen to me, Jeffrey. I'm a federal agent," Tony says softly._

_White laughed, his breath hot on Tony's neck. "Good one Tony."_

"_Naval Criminal Investigative Service," Tony said with no emotion in his voice. He watched White in the rearview mirror._

"_Don't say that," White begged softly, nudging Tony's shoulder slightly._

"_I wish I didn't have to," Tony whispered._

_****FLASH****_

_White leaned up in his seat, his lips almost touching Tony's ear. "You're having naughty thoughts Tony," he said softly. _

_A hand landed gently on Tony's shoulder, and Tony tensed slightly at the other man's touch._

"_Just so you know," White said conversationally, "when I said no one ever treated me like you did, I meant that." White's voice had changed ever so slightly…was it more menacing? Was it threatening? Was Tony missing something?_

"_I know," Tony said softly._

_Fingers suddenly gripped his hair and tugged his head back at an awkward angle. He saw a flash of silver…_

_**End Flashback**_

"NO!" Tony dove away from Gibbs' hand on his shoulder so fast that he dumped himself ungracefully in the floor. "N-no don't h-hurt me…d-dead…k-killed you…"

Tony scooted across the floor away from the frightening images in his mind. The image of Jeffrey trying to slice his throat. The image of Jeffrey raping him. Lane raping him.

"Tony! Tony listen—you're having a flashback—you're just remembering—you're remembering—Tony you're safe here—you're safe with me!"

Tony suddenly heaved and vomited all over the living room floor. Gibbs was fleetingly glad it was wood and not carpet, but quickly moved to stop Tony's struggles. He dropped to his knees in front of his lover, not caring that he was right in the mess Tony had just made. Gibbs cupped Tony's face in his hands and looked him in the eye.

"Come back Tony," Gibbs said softly. Tony's eyes were wide and his breaths were coming in harsh pants. "You're safe now…come back."

Tony's hands rose to his own throat and his fingers brushed lightly against the fair skin there. Gibbs brushed his fingers gently through Tony's hair and continued to murmur softly to him, reassuring him quietly that he was safe, that he was home…

Finally Tony let out a long breath and blinked. He looked around, panicked and confused, but becoming increasingly aware of what had happened and what he'd just done…his eyes widened when he saw the vomit on the floor, along with Gibbs' knees in it.

"O-Ohhh G-goddd," he whispered.

"Hey you with me?" Gibbs' concerned gaze broke through his muddled thoughts and drew him completely back to reality. "Tony can you hear me?"

Tony nodded shakily, and realized Gibbs' hands were still on his face. "J-Jet?"

Gibbs nodded. "I'm right here," he said softly. "You with me now?"

Tony nodded. "I…Did I hurt…Are you alright?" He looked Jethro over, and aside from the vomit on his jeans, the older man seemed unscathed…except for that strange look on his face.

"I'm fine Tony. It's you I'm worried about."

Tony let out another long breath and realized he was suddenly trembling from head to toe. Jethro helped him shift his position and suddenly he had his back on the wall and nothing could get him. He let out a soft sigh and glanced at Jethro who leaned against the wall beside him.

"I'm worried about me too Jet," Tony whispered.

Gibbs looked at him for a long moment, before wrapping an arm around his shoulders and sliding him a little bit closer. Tony, exhausted from the morning, leaned his head on his partner's shoulder, and tried to forget everything that had just happened.

xxx

They'd decided that it might be good if Tony got some rest. Perhaps sleep would help him get his head back on straight. He'd not slept well at all in the hospital, and while he wasn't convinced he'd sleep any better at Jethro's house, Tony was tired enough to be willing to try.

Jethro helped him up the stairs, even though he insisted that he was ok, despite the fact that he'd stumbled when they stood up from the floor. Tony let Gibbs win the argument—it was easier to let the older man help him than to listen to him go on and on about how much he doesn't want any blood stains on his stair rails or walls.

Tony had taken off the jeans he'd put on earlier—they really were dirty now thanks to Tony's losing his lunch on the floor. He chucked them in the wastebasket in the bathroom and pulled on some sweatpants. Gibbs glanced in the bathroom as Tony exited and noticed the jeans—Tony's _favorite_ jeans—were in the wastebasket. He decided once Tony fell asleep, he'd retrieve those jeans and wash them. Tony loved those pants…he couldn't stand the thought of him throwing them away like that.

Gibbs turned back the covers on the bed and got out the heating pad. He plugged it in and turned it on, letting it get hot while Tony got settled. Tony slowly laid down on the bed, but his movements were slow and suspicious, his eyes darting around, settling on the closet, the floor length curtains in the room, anywhere a person might be hiding.

"Go on and get in the bed and I'll give the room a search," Gibbs said quietly. He'd seen the look on Tony's face as he glanced around the room. It didn't take a genius to figure out that Tony was slightly afraid to get into bed. He also knew better than to really call it out and make a thing out of it—Tony probably felt like a child afraid of the Boogeyman as it was; he didn't need Jethro making it worse. So while Tony adjusted the heating pad and settled it on his lower back, and pulled the covers up, Gibbs silently looked in the closet, behind the curtains, in the bathroom and the bathroom closet, and he checked under the bed.

He started to get into bed when Tony whimpered softly.

"What is it?" Gibbs kept his voice low, filled with concern. He wanted nothing more than to make this better for Tony. He held the blankets still in his hands and watched his lover carefully.

"It…It's nothing," Tony said softly, relaxing against the pillow again.

Gibbs narrowed his eyes and watched Tony as he continued to get into bed. Tony was becoming increasingly tense, and he was biting his lip trying not to show it. Gibbs laid down in the bed under the covers and fully clothed. Tony was lying beside him, on his stomach, heating pad on his back. Gibbs shifted just slightly and when he did, his foot brushed against Tony's. Tony shot up off the bed and his eyes widened with panic. Gibbs stood up as well.

"D-Don't do that!" Tony exclaimed in a shaky voice. "You c-can't…just…d-don't…"

"Focus Tony," Gibbs said gently, but firmly. "Tell me how I can help. What do you want me to do?"

Tony ran a hand over his face. "Um…will y-you sleep on…on top of the c-covers? With your clothes on?"

Gibbs narrowed his eyes in confusion at Tony's strange request, but nodded. Tony watched him for a moment, then nodded too. He climbed back into bed and pulled the covers up and situated the heating pad again. Gibbs watched him and once Tony was settled, he carefully laid down on the bed, on top of the covers. He'd have to find a blanket for nighttime when his room got slightly chilly, but Gibbs could live with this.

Tony yawned, his eyes heavy with exhaustion, and he watched Gibbs as they lay there. "Thanks Jet," Tony whispered softly, as his eyes slid shut finally, and he drifted off to sleep.

Gibbs looked over at him, seeing him relaxing, seeing him finally resting, and was afraid to touch him. "You're welcome Sweetheart," Gibbs whispered. "I've got your six."

xxx

Gibbs realized he must have fallen asleep, because he opened his eyes and realized the lighting in the room had changed. He glanced over and saw that Tony was still asleep and slid off the bed quietly. He carefully unplugged the heating pad, but left it draped over Tony so he could pull the last of the heat off of it as it cooled down.

He stood up and walked into the bathroom and quickly relieved himself. He gathered up the jeans that Tony had discarded earlier. The other clothes, Gibbs knew Tony wouldn't miss, but these jeans were his absolute favorite, if he died he wanted to be buried in them, favorite pair of pants. Jethro flushed the toilet and headed out of the bedroom with the pants in hand. He glanced back, smiling that Tony was still asleep and headed downstairs.

As he started a load of laundry, Gibbs thought about Tony's various reactions throughout the day. The shower. The fear of being touched. The fear of the doorbell. The almost obsessive compulsive washing rituals. The meltdown when Gibbs touched his shoulder unexpectedly. He added soap and watched the washer fill with water as he debated what to do. If he were honest with himself, he already knew what needed to be done.

Gibbs walked out to the kitchen and pulled out his cell phone. As he listened to it ring, he got out the coffee to begin making a fresh pot.

"_Kate Todd."_

"Kate it's Gibbs."

"_Hi Gibbs. What's going on? How's Tony?"_

"DiNozzo's not doing so hot, Kate. We're going to be out of work for a while I think, til DiNozzo gets his head back on straight."

"_You have to stay out with him?"_

"He needs someone Kate. He's not in a good place right now." Gibbs scooped some coffee into the filter and placed it in the coffee pot.

"_It was a righteous kill Gibbs. It was justified."_

"That isn't the problem. I can't discuss what's going on with him. He has to talk to you about it. I just wanted to let you guys know that I'm going to be out for some time. I'm going to call Director Morrow as well. You all work on cold cases unless the director tells you to do something different."

"_Is Tony going to be alright?"_ Gibbs could hear the hesitation in her voice. She was worried.

"I hope so," Gibbs said softly. He snapped the phone shut before she could ask any more questions. He added water to the pot and flipped it on, then dialed another number.

"_Dr. Mallard speaking."_

"Hiya Duck," Gibbs said softly, watching the pot begin to brew the coffee.

"_Jethro how are things? How is Anthony?"_

"That's why I called you Ducky. It's not good. I think you're right. I think he needs to talk to a shrink about all this. I don't know what to do with him. I want to help him but every time I touch him he gets upset, every time I say something, it's like it triggers a flashback…he keeps zoning out on me…he wouldn't let me sleep under the covers in my own bed and he nearly scalded his skin raw in the shower…"

"_My goodness it sounds as though today has been quite trying Jethro. How are you holding up?"_

"I think I need to talk to someone too, Ducky. I need someone to tell me, rationally, what it is I need to do to make Tony feel better. I need to know how to fix it."

"_You realize, dear boy, that you may not be able to 'fix it' as you say."_

"I have to be able to fix it. If I can't fix this, then I'm going to lose him forever. I can't stand the thought of that. I need you to find me a shrink and make Tony an appointment. Make me one too, and see if they do couple's counseling. I hate it, but I don't know what else to do."

"_Do you have a preference for a man or woman therapist?"_

"Uh…go with a woman…I think…maybe…hell I dunno Ducky, what do you think?"

"I'll tell you what I think," a new voice snapped coldly from behind him. Jethro turned and was surprised to see Tony standing in the kitchen doorway, as angry as Gibbs had ever seen him. "I think that you going behind my back and telling someone how much trouble I am, how you need to 'fix' me, and how you want me to see a shrink is probably the dirtiest, lousiest thing anyone has ever done to me!"

Tony began to pace as he fussed. "I thought you loved me. I thought you cared about me! You bastard! How could you do this? Who else have you called? Who all knows what's going on? What are you thinking Jethro! I asked you not to tell anyone!"

Gibbs just stared at Tony, not knowing what to make of his reaction. Not knowing what the hell he should do to fix it.

Tony looked at him, exasperated and hurt by his lover, and finally threw up his hands and shook his head. "I made a horrible mistake trusting you," Tony said quietly, his voice laced heavily with anger. "I can't do this anymore. I'm out of here."

Tony turned and stalked out of the kitchen.

Gibbs raised the phone back to his ear and flinched when he heard the door slam a moment later. "Think I'm gonna have to call ya back Duck," he said, and closed the phone.

Oh boy he'd screwed up big this time.

TBC…


	8. Rock Bottom

**Warning**: Some mention of suicide, dark and depressing thoughts, disturbing imagery.  
><em>Thanks to my wonderful friend for all your help with this story. You rock!<em>

**No Chains Holding Me  
><strong>**Chapter 8: Rock Bottom**

Gibbs raced through the house and burst out the front door chasing after Tony. The younger man was moving slower than usual thanks to his minor injuries—the bruised ribs and sore back were helping Gibbs to catch up with him quicker. Despite that though, Tony was still to the end of the driveway by the time Gibbs caught him, and he wrapped his hand gently around Tony's wrist to stop him.

He wasn't prepared for what happened next.

Tony reacted with the full panic he was feeling and took a wild swing at Gibbs. Gibbs managed to move mostly out of the way, but Tony's knuckles still struck a glancing blow on Gibbs' cheekbone.

"TONY!" Gibbs said firmly, not relinquishing his hold on the younger man, despite the pain and sudden swelling in his face. He pulled Tony back slightly and grabbed his shoulders gently. "Tony listen to me. Listen. You with me?"

"Screw you!" Tony yelled, struggling to free himself from Gibbs' grasp. "You can't make me stay here! You can't keep me here against my will! LET ME GO!"

Gibbs' hold on him remained gentle but firm. "Do you want to go back to your apartment?" Gibbs kept his voice soft, his words as gentle as his touch.

"It's none of your damn business where I go! You lied to me! You told me I could trust you! Who were you on the phone with? Who were you telling all about poor broken pitiful Tony?"

"I was on the phone with Ducky, DiNozzo," Gibbs said gently. "Ducky was at the hospital with us, remember? He was there—he already knows Tony. I haven't told anyone else."

"You didn't talk to anybody else on the phone?"

"I called Kate and told her we'd be out for a while. I didn't tell her what was going on. Ducky and I were discussing…"

"You were discussing how much I need to see a damn shrink to get my brain unscrambled so I can go back to work—because of course—this is _Bossman_!—work is the most important thing! Can't be unable to do the job, right Tony? Gotta get your head back on straight so you can get back to work as soon as possible!"

Tony struggled again, and this time Gibbs let him go. "It's not like that Tony," Gibbs said softly, fighting down his own anger.

"Then what is it Gibbs? You wanna get me better so you can _fuck me_ sooner? Well _fuck you _Agent Gibbs!"

Gibbs narrowed his eyes. Tony was too scattered, too angry, too irrational, and completely unable to hear anything he was saying. Maybe it would be better to give Tony some space for a while and let the younger man go back to his apartment and get his bearings. "Want me to call you a cab?"

Tony's eyes flashed in anger for a moment, watching his lover, waiting for the mockery to begin. But Gibbs kept his gaze even, his eyes were gentle. Finally, Tony realized Gibbs was only trying to help. "Yeah," he said softly. Then he turned around and walked inside the house.

Gibbs watched him go and pulled out his phone. He dialed information and got the number for a cab company. He gave them the address, and the dispatcher told him it'd be about fifteen minutes before a cab arrived. Gibbs thanked them and hung up the phone. He walked up to his house and sat down on the front steps. A few minutes later he heard his front screen door slam and tried to force himself to relax.

Tony dropped stiffly down on to the front step next to Gibbs, but keeping a good distance between them. In fact, he scooted as far away from Gibbs as he could while staying on the step.

"I'm sorry I upset you Tony," Gibbs said softly.

Tony snorted. "I don't wanna talk about it," he snapped. "I just want to be. GONE. Where the _hell_ is that cab?"

Gibbs shrugged. "Dispatch said it might be fifteen minutes before someone could get here." He handed Tony forty dollars. "That should cover your fare and your tip," he said quietly.

Tony's jaw worked, and he nodded, not saying anything else. A moment later the cab pulled up to the drive and honked once. Tony stood up and started walking to the cab.

"I'll call you later Tony. You can call me if you need me."

Tony stopped halfway down the walk and turned to look at Gibbs. "I don't need you. I don't need you to do anything for me. I'm fine Gibbs. I've been on my own for years and I've been fine. I'm _still_ fine."

He got in the cab and Gibbs watched as it drove away.

Tony never looked back.

xxx

After Tony left, Gibbs stood up and went back into the house. He rotated the laundry, emptied the coffee filter and refilled it, making a fresh pot of coffee, and went to the basement.

He walked laps around the boat, sipping his coffee, worrying about Tony, but not yet willing to admit it—not yet willing to act on it. He was too tense, too restless to work on the boat, so he went upstairs and pulled the sheets off the bed. Maybe having clean bedding would be good for when Tony tried to sleep. Make the bed smell like detergent and fabric softener instead of sex and cologne…

Jethro took a shower, realizing as he stood under the spray, that Tony was almost out of body wash. He made a mental note to pick up more of his lover's favorite soap and feeling how lightweight Tony's shampoo bottle was getting, decided to pick up a bottle that for him too. He glanced around and then remembered seeing the loofah in the wastebasket. He made a mental note to add that to his list as well.

After his shower, Jethro made a small grocery list, filled with things Tony likes to eat. As he left the house to begin running his errands, he pulled out his cell phone and dialed Ducky's number.

"Talk to me Ducky," Gibbs said into the phone. "Have you had a chance to think about Tony's situation?"

"I have indeed Jethro," Ducky replied. "Just let me step into my office for a bit more privacy…Mr. Palmer, if you would, please finish closing up our guest and store him away. When you are finished you may make your departure. That's a good lad."

Gibbs heard Palmer say something and then heard the office door close through the phone.

"Now Jethro. Let me tell you what I am thinking for you and Anthony."

xxx

Tony paid the cabbie and thanked him. He got out of the car, still moving slowly, and made his way to the old, slightly rundown brownstone. He keyed his way into the building and waited until he was sure the door had closed securely behind him before starting towards the stairs.

Tony lived in a fourth floor apartment. There was almost a view of the park two blocks away, if the weather was clear and traffic was light. There were huge windows in his apartment, facing the west so that he avoided the morning sun. It wasn't the greatest apartment in the world—the windows could be drafty, the ice maker in the fridge leaked, the faucet was compulsively drippy no matter how many times Tony fixed it, and his heat went out several times each winter…but there was one thing about this place that Tony loved. It was _his._

As he closed the door to his apartment, he very carefully, very meticulously locked the lock on the knob, then the deadbolt, and finally the slide lock at the top of the door. He glanced over them carefully, making sure they were locked properly then let out a sigh of relief. He was home. He was in his zone. He was in the one place on the planet, next to Gibbs' house—but he wasn't thinking about that, where he could relax, be himself, let his weaknesses show. He rested his forehead on the door and felt the muscles in his shoulders finally begin to relax.

This was what he needed. This was perfect. This was—what was that sound?

Tony opened his eyes and looked behind him, trying to identify the strange sound. It sounded like…like laughing…Tony shuddered.

_**Flashback**_

_Tony struggled against his attackers, groaning in frustration and begging incoherently to be let up…for them to stop…he didn't want this…_

_Jeffrey was laughing…Lane was laughing…they were mocking him…laughing at him…_

_He was at their mercy._

_He felt one of them penetrate his body again and groaned in pain._

_He couldn't get away._

_**End Flashback**_

Tony shivered at the memory and ran his hands over his arms. He needed a shower. He felt so dirty. He glanced down at his skin. It looked normal, but Tony knew that he was still dirty—even if he couldn't see it.

He walked into the bathroom and turned on the light. He stared at the shower and remembered Jethro's words, his quiet questions, his gentle reminders that he was safe, that he was clean, that he was safe, that he would be alright, that Gibbs had his six. Tony's hand hovered over the faucet in the bathtub…he wanted a shower…but he knew he'd already had a shower earlier, and he'd had a shower in the hospital…he was clean. He hadn't done anything to make himself dirty. He was being silly.

Tony turned his back on the bathtub and looked at himself in the mirror. He realized he still needed to shave and turned on the water. He splashed water over his face and pulled out his shaving kit. He rubbed the cool, soothing shaving foam over his face and picked up his razor and looked at it.

A very sudden, very disturbing thought drifted into Tony's mind as he stared at the little short blade. It would be so easy…so easy to just…make a couple of simple cuts…it would make the pain go away…make the fear go away…Jethro wouldn't have to worry about him anymore…he wouldn't have to be scared…he wouldn't be dirty anymore…

Tony blinked and stared at his hands in disbelief. What the hell was he doing? He threw the razor down on the counter as though it were going to attack him. He quickly washed off the shaving foam and all but ran from the bathroom.

Ok he was still ok. He would watch a movie. Movies were his key to other universes. He could escape his own reality for a period of time and go live in someone else's world when he watched movies. His fingers ran shakily over the movie shelf, finally randomly grabbing one when he realized he wasn't even looking at the movie titles.

He filled the DVD player thanks to muscle memory and he turned on the television. He made a quick lap around the apartment, turning on all the lights in the bedroom, the hall, the kitchen, the lamps in the living room…and then he settled on the couch. Just another normal day. No problem. Just another day. The movie's opening scene rolled across the screen and Tony didn't even look at it.

His mind was racing and it wasn't until he heard the sound of gunshots on the screen that he even realized the movie was still playing. Gunshots…

_**Flashback**_

_Jeffrey's hand touched his shoulder lightly._

_Jeffrey handed Tony the gun._

_Jeffrey's hand suddenly grabbed his hair, pulling his head back._

_Jeffrey raised the knife to slice open his throat._

_Tony took a deep breath and raised the gun. _

_He had one shot. One shot…one shot…Tony fired the gun._

_He lost awareness for a moment. The hand in his hair disappeared. The smell of blood filled the air. His ears rang from the concussion of the gunshot._

_There was a period of time when he sat, stunned. It was over. It was over and he was still alive._

_The car door beside him opened, but he didn't think he had the energy to lift his head._

_Out of the corner of his eye he could see Gibbs, gun trained on the car, the look on his face said he was trying to understand what had happened—trying to understand how the case had gotten so fucked up?_

"_I really liked him," Tony whispered._

_Gibbs lowered the gun. "Yeah," he said softly. "Yeah I can see that."_

_He was safe. He was alive. It was over._

_**End Flashback**_

Tony shook himself out of the memory and turned the movie off. Ok, the movie wasn't working. He'd cook himself something to eat. He'd only had the two or three bites of pizza earlier for lunch, and he'd immediately thrown them right back up. He'd make himself something light, something that he liked, something that would be gentle on his stomach—he hoped.

He opened a cabinet and pulled out a frying pan. Moving to the refrigerator he pulled out some eggs. He'd make himself an omelet. Nice and easy, gentle on the stomach…he reached into the fridge again and pulled out some cheese and some butter. Tony whipped the eggs in a bowl and turned on the pan and added some butter to it. He dropped a couple of pieces of bread into the toaster…toast with jam would be great with a cheese omelet.

Tony poured in the eggs, and sprinkled some cheese in the pan as well. He paced around the kitchen, smelling the toast, hearing the pan sizzle, looking outside to see that it was dark.

Dark. Jeffrey and Lane had waited until dark to attack him. Tony glanced around. Would they attack him again tonight? It was dark tonight. Wait. They were dead. Jeffrey killed Lane and Tony killed Jeffrey. They were dead. They couldn't hurt him anymore.

So why wouldn't they leave him alone? Why could he hear their voices in his head? Why could he see their sneering faces? Why could he smell their breath and taste tainted whiskey and unwanted sex in his mouth? Why couldn't he make them stop? He just wanted the memories to stop…he wanted the thoughts to stop…he wanted…

His smoke alarm was going off. Tony blinked and realized that he'd burned his eggs. The pan was smoking, and the eggs were charred and a very deep brown color. The cheese was burned and blacking on the edge of the pan. The toast had popped up out of the toaster.

Tony bit his lip. How had that happened? He was in control here. He was fine. He was in his apartment. Alone. He was fixing himself some dinner. Alone. He was not thinking about Jethro. He was not thinking about the fact that the older man had let him go. He was not thinking about the fact that he was here. Alone. In the dark. Vulnerable. Scared. Weak. Alone.

With the stove turned off and the burned pan moved to the sink, Tony opened a window. He stood right next to it until the smoke had cleared from the room enough to stop the alarm. Once the alarm stopped, Tony all but slammed the window shut, closing it as quickly and as forcefully as possible and locking it back. He went back to the living room and sank onto the couch, putting his face in his hands. So much for eating.

He nearly jumped out of his skin when his cell phone vibrated in his pocket suddenly. Tony pulled the phone out and glanced at the clock. Was it really after 8pm already? How had he lost so much time? He'd gotten to his apartment just after four…had he really lost four hours?

Glancing at the caller ID, Tony noted that it was Jethro calling. Jethro. The man was calling him—just like he said he would, despite Tony's attitude earlier. Tony gasped, realizing he'd really been a shithead to Gibbs about this whole thing. He opened his phone and raised it to his ear, unable to form words, unable to express how sorry he was for what he'd done, unable to speak. So he just listened.

"Tony? Are you there?"

Tony didn't answer. Gibbs sounded so concerned. He knew he should respond, he should tell Gibbs that he was ok. He should make Gibbs feel better, because Gibbs was scared. But he just…couldn't speak…

"Tony it's Gibbs can you hear me? Are you there? Tony are you alright?" There was a pause and for a second Tony was afraid that Gibbs had hung up the phone, but then the older man spoke again. "Tony if you can hear me, I'm coming over. I won't make you come back to my house…but I just want to know you're alright. I want to see you. I'm coming over."

Tony heard the squeal of tires and knew that Gibbs was already on his way. He still didn't speak. He was so ashamed of himself. His face burned with shame and his eyes stung with tears. Eventually the tears overflowed and he began to cry softly.

Gibbs heard him. "It's alright Tony. I'm coming. If you can, fix the door so I can get in. Undo your slide lock Tony." Tony heard the sound of the wheels screeching again and a moment later the car door slammed. "I'm keying into your building now Tony. I'm coming upstairs. Let me in Tony."

Tony didn't move for a long moment. Through the phone he heard Gibbs' footsteps in the hall and his slightly out of breath puffs of air as he sprinted up the four flights of stairs to the fourth floor. Gibbs had a key to the lock on the doorknob and the deadbolt, but the slide lock had to be undone from the inside. He heard the keys at the door, and terror took over Tony. He stood up and ran down the hall to his bedroom, not realizing he'd dropped his cell phone. He opened the closet and quickly slipped inside and pulled the door shut. He had to hide. He had to get away. He couldn't let anyone see him like this.

If Gibbs saw this…this shame and this weakness…if he saw the wreck Tony had become, surely he would leave. And if Gibbs left…

He flinched when he heard his door being forcefully opened, breaking the slide lock. He felt the tears of fear spring to his eyes and he bit a knuckle trying to keep from yelling in fear. The rational side of his brain reassured him that it was just Jethro at his door and Jethro would never hurt him. But the irrational side of his mind that was fighting to take over continuously whispered in his ear that it was Jeffrey and Lane, and they were coming back to finish the job and seal his fate in hell with them…

xxx

Just as Gibbs entered the apartment he heard a door slam down the hall. He quickly closed and locked the knob on Tony's front door and headed for the bedroom. Along the way he saw the phone that Tony had dropped in his haste, and he hoped his lover was alright. It worried him that Tony wouldn't speak on the phone. Jethro wondered what kind of headspace he might find Tony in.

The bedroom was empty and Gibbs narrowed his eyes slightly. The closet door was closed. "Tony?" He spoke loud enough that Tony would hear him if he was inside the closet. "I'm going to open the closet door. It's Jethro. Just relax Tony. It's alright."

Tony pulled his knees up to his chin and buried his face in his lap, wrapping his arms around his shins, trying to make himself as small as he could. His breaths came in short gasps, and he knew in the blink of an eye they could potentially turn to sobs, but he willed it down.

The bedroom's overhead light spread slowly through the dark closet as Gibbs swung the door open. Gibbs' gut twisted painfully when he saw the state his lover was in and he berated himself for allowing it to happen. Dropping to his knees with only a small wince in pain, Gibbs called to Tony softly.

"Tony? Babe look up here. Tony it's Jethro, look at me. Look at me Tony."

There was no response. Tony didn't move. Gibbs began to get more concerned. Had Tony taken something? Was he sick? What was going on?

"I'm going to touch your shoulder Tony," Gibbs said softly. "I'm not going to hurt you. It's just me. It's just you and me here. You're safe. I've got your six." He reached out and very lightly brushed his fingers over Tony's shoulder.

That was all it took. Tony's head shot up suddenly and his face was streaked with tears. Gibbs could see the dark circles of exhaustion and stress under his lover's eyes and rocked back on his heels when Tony suddenly embraced him. He wrapped his arms around his beautiful, wonderful Tony and he hugged him, resting his cheek on the top of Tony's head, stroking his back lightly, up and down.

"Shhhh it's ok I've got you now," Gibbs murmured. "I'm so sorry this happened Tony. I shouldn't have left you alone like this for so long."

"My fault," Tony whispered. "Asked for this…deserved this…"

"You may have asked me to leave you alone Tony, but I should have known better than to listen. You don't need to be alone right now. And especially not for this long. That is my fault."

"I'm sorry," Tony whispered. "I'm so sorry…I just thought…I just needed…I couldn't help…"

Gibbs ran his fingers through Tony's hair. It needed cutting; it was longer than he usually let it grow because of this case.

"Come on. Let's get you up off this cold floor." Together they stood up, and Tony's legs nearly buckled under him, but Jethro held him steady. "It's drafty in here tonight," Gibbs commented softly. "Wanna come back to my house?"

Tony nodded and buried his face into the side of Gibbs' neck. It was the most Tony had allowed anyone to touch him since the rape exams were completed. "Can't stay here," Tony whispered. "Can't do it…wanted to…can't…"

His head shot up suddenly. "Jethro!" His voice was soft, still filled with shame.

"What is it Tony?"

"I have to tell you…but you'll be mad…you'll leave me…shouldn't tell you…need to tell you…"

Gibbs shook his shoulders slightly. "Focus Tony. What is it? What do you need to tell me?"

"I um…I need to shave," Tony said softly, looking at his shoes. Gibbs raised an eyebrow at the comment—it was nothing that he'd been expecting. He knew there was more to that comment. There was something lurking behind Tony's words…a darkness…Gibbs put a finger under Tony's chin and lifted his face.

"Did you try to shave?"

Tony closed his eyes and nodded slowly. "I was going to…I had to stop though…"

Gibbs narrowed his eyes, knowing Tony couldn't see it. "Why? You can talk to me honey."

Tony looked up at Gibbs. This man, his partner—both personally and professionally—was the smartest individual Tony had ever had the pleasure of knowing. Would he understand? Would he judge Tony? Would he leave?

Figuring he deserved it, Tony lowered his gaze again. "I was um…I held the razor…and was going to shave…but then I got to thinking…and ya know…at the time it didn't seem like a bad idea…but what if I took the razor and held it here," he motioned with his finger to his wrist what he was describing.

"It wouldn't take a big cut, Jethro," Tony whispered. "I had to stop. I didn't want to do that. I didn't want to die…I'm so sorry! I know that it makes me weak, and that it makes me unstable, and crazy and whatever else you wanna call it…I'm so sorry…I know you're disappointed…I'm sorry," Tony's voice never left a whispering tone.

Gibbs gathered Tony into a careful, gentle hug, and rubbed his hands up and down his arms gently as Tony began to sob quietly. The stakes, Jethro realized, had just gotten a lot higher. And now it was more important than ever that Jethro convince Tony that he really did need to seek the help of a professional—sooner rather than later.

Tony's life depended on it.

TBC…


	9. Willing To Try

**No Chains Holding Me  
><strong>**Chapter 9: Willing To Try**

Gibbs rolled to a gentle stop when the light at the intersection turned red, and stole a glance at Tony. His lover was once again, seated in the back seat of the car. Gibbs knew he'd have to help Tony overcome his fear of the front seat sooner or later, but tonight was not the time to do that. Tony had been through enough. Now it was time to go home and rest.

As Gibbs and Tony made their way back to Gibbs' house, Ducky was also on his way to meet them. Tony's partner had called the old doctor as they were leaving Tony's apartment and asked him to come to the house. Tony obviously needed help, and it was time for Ducky to insist on the young man getting some much needed rest. Tony had been silent since they left the apartment, but each time Gibbs peered at him through the mirror, Tony's eyes were wide open and he was looking around…almost as if he were scared to blink.

The light changed to green and as Gibbs pulled through the intersection it began to rain lightly. As the water began to run down the windows, Gibbs flipped on his wipers. In the backseat, Tony sat huddled against the window, one hand covering his mouth, his eyes following the tiny droplets of water running down the glass. Gibbs wondered what his partner was thinking, but remained silent in the darkness.

Tony let out a soft grunt of pain when Gibbs turned up into his driveway. He bumped the curb a little harder than he'd intended and it obviously jarred his lover's still sore back and ribs. He pulled in far enough that Ducky could easily park behind him, but stayed close enough to the front sidewalk that Tony wouldn't have a very long walk into the house. Gibbs turned off the car and got out. He walked around and opened the door.

Tony started a bit and looked up at him curiously, as though wondering why he'd been disturbed. It seemed that Gibbs' younger lover was retreating inside his head, and this worried Gibbs tremendously. He didn't know a lot, but he knew that Tony needed to talk about this. He had to convince Tony that he needed to—that it was the best, and only way, for him to have a shot at recovering from this.

"You ready to go inside?" Gibbs kept his voice soft and Tony nodded slowly. He climbed out of the car, and immediately grabbed Gibbs' hand and pressed his body close to Gibbs' arm. Gibbs glanced at him and smiled. Tony was surprised and relieved that Gibbs hadn't been angry with him about what he'd told him. He assumed that his lover would leave him. This strong, invincible, untouchable marine turned NCIS agent should have turned his back on Tony—but he hadn't.

Tony didn't know what was coming next, but he now knew, beyond any doubt (at least for now) that Gibbs wasn't going to leave him. That might change later, but for tonight, he was comfortable in that reassurance.

Ducky wasn't there yet, so while they waited, Gibbs carefully escorted Tony to the bathroom and sat him on the lid of the closed toilet. "I know it's been bothering you," Gibbs began softly. "Will you let me help you shave?"

Tony hesitated. They'd shaved each other in the past and it was really, immensely erotic. His breath quickened and, even though he tried to fight it, he couldn't force the feelings of fear down fast enough. Gibbs saw it.

"Hey," he said gently, kneeling before Tony. "I know what you're thinking about. It's not going to be like that. This will be barber shop quality, and completely professional." Gibbs took a chance and put his hands gently on Tony's knees, ignoring the barely-there flinch when he made physical contact. "Do you trust me not to hurt you?" Gibbs whispered.

Tony thought about it. This was a very simple, daily function. It needed to be done—he'd proven earlier he didn't need to be doing _anything_ with sharp objects—and Gibbs was offering to do it—to make him more comfortable, and to keep him safe while he did it. But Jeffrey had gone for his throat with a knife just yesterday. Jeffrey wanted to kill him. Gibbs wanted to keep him safe. _Did he trust Gibbs?_ What kind of future would their relationship have if he couldn't trust his partner?

The younger man looked down at his older lover and bit his lower lip. "I trust you," he whispered.

Gibbs smiled and Tony felt the weight of his fear lift a bit. Jethro stood up and pulled out his shaving kit. He set shaving foam on the counter, and pulled out his razor, setting it down next to the can of foam. Gibbs pulled a washcloth from the closet and turned the water on warm. He wet the washcloth and gently draped it over Tony's cheeks and chin for a moment, allowing his pores to open slightly.

Tony's eyes fluttered shut and he relaxed slowly under Gibbs' careful ministrations. The older man kept his touch light and gentle, talking softly, telling Tony exactly what he was doing so he wouldn't spook his lover.

"Ok Tony," Gibbs said softly, removing the warm, damp cloth from his face. "Now let's just lean your head back a little bit…" The older man brushed his fingers lightly through Tony's hair, easing his head back.

_**Flashback**_

"_Just so you know, when I said no one treated me like you did, I meant that," Jeffrey said quietly._

"_I know," Tony said softly. His head was still so fuzzy…he felt so strange…he probably shouldn't have been driving, but he felt like he needed to let Jeffrey run the show…he had to get them to the payoff site so they could make the bust._

_Jeffrey's fingers felt like tentacles tracing through his hair as they weaved their way through his locks, and Tony fought the urge to shiver. Suddenly he grabbed Tony by the hair and pulled his head back, exposing his neck._

_The knife flashed when the sunlight hit it as it moved in its deadly path…_

_**End Flashback**_

Gibbs stopped when he realized Tony was holding his breath. His lover's eyes were closed and he was holding his breath. Tony's body was completely rigid with…fear? Anxiety? Gibbs dropped his hand lightly to Tony's shoulder and set the razor on the counter. A moment later Tony opened his eyes.

"Jet?" Gibbs glanced at him. "Why aren't you…I thought you were going to shave me?" Tony's voice was soft, but still laced with stress.

"You seemed like you might be getting upset," Gibbs said softly. "So I was waiting for you to give me the go."

Tony nodded. "Thanks," he whispered. He felt so stupid. So weak. He should be able to handle getting freakin' shaved. Good grief. What a loser Gibbs must think him to be. He cleared his throat. "You uh…you can go ahead," he said softly. "Sorry Boss."

"Boss? You wanna call me Boss now? Really?" Gibbs raised an eyebrow at him.

Tony laughed nervously. "Habit?"

Gibbs smirked and shook his head. "Let's try again Tony. Tell me if you need to stop ok?"

Tony nodded and closed his eyes. He tilted his head back on his own this time. _You're fine. It's Jethro. He'll keep you safe. He wants to take care of you. He's going to give you a nice, relaxing shave. He's going to caress your skin and—_

The razor slid slowly up Tony's skin, plastic guard sliding parallel to the agent's skin, cutting away the hair and wiping away the shaving foam. Tony could hear the water running. There was a pause, and Tony knew Gibbs was rinsing off the blade, preparing to shave another strip. The razor brushed lightly against his neck and this time he flinched.

"Stop," he whispered. "P-please stop. I-I c-can't…I c-can't do it…I'm sorry," Tony whispered brokenly. His breathing suddenly reduced to panicked gasps and Gibbs turned off the water. The wash cloth was back, wiping off the foam and then Gibbs pushed his head between his knees.

"Just breathe, Sweetheart," Gibbs said softly. "Just focus on breathing." He pulled out his phone and dialed Ducky's number. "Hey Duck can ya do me a favor? There's a drug store down the road from my house…can you stop in there and grab me an electric razor? Tony needs a shave."

There was a moment of brief silence when Ducky spoke and Tony couldn't hear the words. Then Gibbs spoke again. "Thanks Duck, see ya in a few." Gibbs clicked the phone shut.

"Ducky's going to bring us an electric razor. Those blades can't cut ya like a normal razor can. We'll get you shaved," Jethro said with a smile.

Tony slowly raised his head and stared up at Gibbs dazedly. "Why are you so worried about me getting shaved?" Tony asked softly. "Doesn't affect you…"

Gibbs squeezed Tony's shoulder gently, feeling the minute flinch just beneath the skin. "Does affect me," he said softly. "It's part of your costume. Part of the disguise. Well the op is over and it's time for your disguise to come off. I think it'll help you feel better."

"Gibbs I have way bigger issues than not being shaved right now," Tony said, somewhat desperately. He hated the way his voice shook when he spoke.

"I know that," Gibbs retorted. "But I also know that this is something you _can_ control. There's lots of things you can't right now…but being comfortable—well that's something we can work on."

Tony thought about that for a moment then nodded. That made sense actually. He blinked in horror mixed with shame when he felt tears burning behind his eyes. Gibbs cupped his face gently and knelt before him, staring into his eyes.

"I know it's hard right now," Jethro whispered. "But we will get through it. And we will do it together."

Tony nodded shakily. "Shouldn'ta gone to my apartment tonight Jet," he said regretfully. "Not alone anyway. I…I shouldn't have left mad like I did…I…" he looked shyly up at Gibbs. "I scared myself Jethro," he whispered.

Gibbs hugged him loosely, and smiled sadly when Tony snuggled in a bit more than normal—even more than he normally did after an undercover op.

"Got you now…I swear they can't hurt you anymore," Jethro whispered, pressing a kiss to the top of Tony's head.

Tony just snuggled in a little closer, hugged a little tighter, and found that he never ever wanted to let go.

xxx

Ducky thanked the woman at the checkout and left the store, new electric razor in hand. Personally he preferred the sensation of a cool blade on his skin than the tickling vibration of an electric razor. He wondered if Jeffrey White's attempt to cut Anthony's throat with the knife in the car had anything to do with Jethro's sudden request for an electric razor.

The old doctor was quite concerned about his young friend. Everything he'd seen in the hospital and heard Jethro speak of on the phone told the story of a young man who's life had been utterly altered—so completely changed by this one assignment…Ducky feared things were far worse than either of them were letting on, so he was eager to visit Anthony himself and have the ability to gauge his friend's condition in person.

At Jethro's request, Ducky had phoned a friend of his and requested help for both, Tony and Jethro. Ducky's friend had agreed to provide whatever assistance needed and possible to help them. Ducky said he expected them to make an appointment within the week.

When Ducky pulled up to Jethro's house and saw that indeed, all of the lights downstairs were turned on, despite the late hour, he wondered if maybe he'd need to hurry the two stubborn agents along and get them to seek help sooner rather than later. He wondered what state Tony would be in when he got there—would he be quiet and withdrawn, fearful and angry, or maybe on the verge of hysteria as he'd been in the hospital the night before. Ducky sighed as he parked the Morgan behind Jethro's NCIS sedan. He could hardly believe it had only been one day since all of this happened.

As he stepped towards the house, Ducky's cell phone rang. He glanced at it and saw that it was Abby calling. He let out a long breath and answered.

"Good evening Abigail."

"Ducky I'm worried! I tried calling Tony's cell phone but it rang on to voicemail. So I got worried and called Gibbs and he didn't answer either. I haven't heard from either of them since Gibbs found Tony at the storage facility yesterday. I'm going to go over to Tony's apartment and check on Tony and I was wondering if you wanted to come with me? I guess I could call McGee but he's not a doctor and if Tony's upset or sick then he's going to need a doctor, but then maybe Gibbs is with him and if Gibbs is with him then surely he'd let you know if Tony needed a doctor, right Ducky? I mean I'm probably overreacting, but I have this really hinky feeling that something is wrong with Tony and I want to go check on him—he's like a brother to me and I made him bat shaped licorice cookies and I can't just leave him to come down off of his undercover high without any help! Ducky will you come with me to Tony's please?"

Ducky blinked as she finished her anxious tirade. "There is no need to go to Tony's apartment," he said gently. "He is staying with Jethro, and I believe he rather requires some privacy right now. I'm sure if Tony and Jethro didn't answer they have a good reason. You must be patient with Tony, Abby. He's had a rough time of it."

"Oh well if he's at Gibbs' house then I will come over and check on him there! I need to see him to know that he's alright—you understand that Ducky, don't you? I mean I'm just so worried, no one's called me or updated me or anything, and I got that weird blood sample from you that you told me to test as John Doe, and I'm scared that it was Tony's because of what I found in it but I don't know that and now they aren't answering their phones and Ducky will you please come with me? Please?"

"Abby I will tell you again. Anthony requires privacy right now. He's quite upset from the assignment he was given. Jethro is helping him, not to worry. I'm sure they will get in touch with you just as soon as they possibly can. It's only been a day my dear."

"A day! Not just a day! A whole day Ducky! Over a whole day! Over 24 hours since anyone contacted Abby to let her know what was going on! Kate said that Gibbs and Tony weren't at work today, which I figured since I didn't see them and they always come down at least to say hi and bring me caff-pow! And if Tony is staying with Gibbs then that means he's not ok at all because Tony hates to be a burden to anyone, and even though none of us thinks he's a burden, he still feels like one when he has to rely on us. I just want to hug him and tell him that everything will be ok."

"Abigail I will speak with Jethro and let him know you are concerned. Do not come to his house until you hear from him. Do you understand? Tony is not yet ready for visitors. I would not be surprised if you showed up at Jethro's if he refused to let you in."

Ducky could almost hear the excited woman deflate over the phone. "Alright Ducky," Abby grumbled. "But…I mean…is Tony ok?"

Ducky let out a soft sigh. "No Abby," Ducky said softly. "No, he's really not ok."

"Can we fix him?" Her voice sounded so soft now, and so sad, that Ducky nearly invited the poor girl over so she could see for herself the state that Anthony was in, but he knew Jethro and Tony would be very upset if that happened.

"We are going to do our very best," Ducky said. He spoke with an optimism and an encouraging tone that he wished he felt.

Ducky got off the phone with Abby, hoping he'd managed to convince her to stay away for the time being, and walked up the steps to Gibbs' front door. He turned the knob, expecting to walk right in as he'd done a thousand times before, and as a result, nearly walked right into the door when it didn't open. Stepping back, Ducky felt in his gut that things were worse than he'd imagined. He raised his hand to knock, but the door opened and Jethro stood before him. Just behind Jethro, eyes filled with fear and shoulders slumped with exhaustion, was Tony.

"Good evening Jethro, Anthony," Ducky said pleasantly.

"Hiya Duck," Jethro said. "C'mon in." He stepped out of the way, making room for the elderly doctor to come inside. Tony hovered close to Gibbs' left shoulder, never moving more than a couple of feet away from the older man. Gibbs moved slowly enough that Tony could easily keep up with him without aggravating his minor injuries.

Ducky didn't comment as Jethro closed and locked the front door, making sure a newly installed deadbolt was clicked shut as well. He didn't comment as he watched Tony visibly breathe a sigh of relief and lean just slightly toward Jethro. He didn't comment as the young man grabbed onto Gibbs' hand again as they made their way into the living room and sat down. Ducky didn't comment on the fact that Jethro had moved the couch so that it was scooted against the wall where nothing could get behind it, giving Tony a "safe" place to sit or rest.

Oh yes. Things were just as bad, if not worse, than he'd imagined.

"I brought you the electric razor as you requested Jethro," Ducky said, placing the bag on the coffee table before sitting in the rocking chair opposite the two men on the couch.

"Thanks Ducky," Tony said softly. "Sorry you had to make the extra stop."

"My dear boy, it was no trouble at all! I am curious though. Did the sudden need for it arise due to the nature of your attack?"

Tony's adam's apple worked up and down in his throat and his eyes glossed over. He looked at his lap for a long moment then nodded slightly. Gibbs looked ready to kill someone, but Ducky understood why. Those bastards had hurt his lover—his mate—his pack. Jethro truly resembled a lone wolf at times, and Ducky wondered if hurts like this one wasn't the reason why.

"Jethro would you be so kind as to fetch me a cup of tea dear boy? I'd like a moment to speak with Anthony please."

Gibbs looked at Ducky for a long moment then nodded and stood up. "Sure Duck," he said. "Tony? You want anything?"

Tony shook his head. "I'm good," he whispered.

Gibbs nodded. "Be back in a few," and he disappeared down the hall.

Tony watched Jethro's shadow retreating and for a moment wanted to chase after him. Ducky saw this and leaned forward slightly.

"Can you tell me what happened this evening Tony? Gibbs called me in a fair panic. Are you alright dear boy?"

Tony leaned back against the backrest of the couch and let out a long sigh. He was silent for several minutes—long enough that Ducky was beginning to think Tony wasn't going to speak at all. "I dunno Duck," he finally said. "I was an idiot."

"If I may," Ducky said gently. "You and Jethro have a horrible habit of questioning your own intelligences. Perhaps you should let me be the judge of that."

"I left mad and went back to my apartment. Do you know how long it's been since I was in my apartment?" Tony stopped and paled suddenly when he realized what he'd just said. "I mean um…the case was longer than we expected…and um…then I was in the hospital…and uh…"

"It's alright Tony," Gibbs said softly, coming back into the kitchen with a cup of tea for Ducky and a cup of coffee for himself. "He figured it out. He knows about us."

Tony's eyes widened with panic and he stared at Gibbs in horror. "Oh no," he mumbled softly, "no, no, no, no, no…"

"Anthony, my dear, I would never disclose information such as that to anyone if you desire it to remain a secret," Ducky said softly. "You know that, don't you?"

"B-But if he figured it out, then how long before Kate does? McGee? Abby? Hell..even Palmer? What if the director finds out? He'll…" Tony broke off in horror, unable to continue the thought out loud.

Gibbs shook his shoulder sharply. "Hey snap out of it. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. But Ducky's not going to say anything." Tony looked at him with uncertainty. "Would I lie to you?"

Tony shook his head. "No," he said softly. He bowed his head and closed his eyes.

"So you went back to your apartment angry," Ducky said gently. Tony covered his face in his hands and nodded. Ducky glanced at Gibbs. "What happened next?"

"I um…well I was glad to be home, y'know? Had been a while since I'd been there for longer than just to pick up some clothes," Tony said softly. Ducky nodded. "So I um…when I got there, I first thought I'd take a shower but…um…well I'd already had one earlier, so I didn't really want to take another one even though I kinda felt like I needed it. I decided…" Tony's voice dropped so low Ducky nearly couldn't hear him. "I decided I should shave," he murmured.

"It's been several days since you were able to do that," Ducky said. "I'm sure it feels uncomfortable, since you normally are more cleanly shaven."

Tony nodded. "So I picked up the razor and…" He glanced at Gibbs. "I'm not sure I can tell the rest of it," he said in a slightly desperate, cracked voice.

"Try," Gibbs said gently. "I'm right here. You're safe. No one is angry at you."

"I was standing there, in my bathroom, holding the razor Ducky, and…well I started thinking…and…and I wondered if…if maybe I'd feel better y'know…" Tony shrugged helplessly as the words left him.

A sick feeling rose in Ducky's gut and he looked at Jethro with alarm. Gibbs nodded grimly. "Tony," Ducky said gently. "Look at me please."

Tony slowly raised his gaze and stared at the old doctor. Ducky thought his dear friend looked absolutely defeated, swallowed up by the turmoil of this situation.

"Now I have to ask you some very serious questions. And you must answer," Ducky said firmly. Tony nodded. "Anthony did you hurt yourself this evening?"

Tony shook his head no. "I threw the razor down and ran out of the bathroom as soon as I realized what I was doing."

"Did you want to hurt yourself this evening?" This was the big question—this would determine every course of action Ducky would suggest from here on out.

Tony shook his head again. "No…I…I don't want to hurt myself, and I don't want to die…I just…I want it…" Tears slid pitifully down his face. "Goddammit," he snapped wiping them away. "I just want this feeling to go away," he whispered, breaking off into nearly silent sobs.

Gibbs wrapped an arm around his shoulders, but Tony flinched away. Gibbs dropped his arm, but left his hand on Tony's back, a silent show of support. He looked at his old friend, a desperate, pleading expression marring his features.

"What feeling Anthony? I know this is hard."

Tony's head bowed low and he sobbed even harder. He felt like he was flying apart from the inside out. "I f-feel so d-dirty," Tony moaned. "It won't go away."

Ducky sat up a little bit straighter. This was progress. This he could work with. And this was the perfect opportunity to tell Tony about his friend who wanted to help him.

"My dear Anthony," he said softly. "I know it may not be something you want to hear, but what you are experiencing is perfectly normal after an experience like yours."

Tony blinked and looked away, several stray tears tracking down his face.

Ducky pressed on. "I have a friend…a dear person who is a college professor here in Washington. She does not do a great deal of, shall we say, clinic work, but she is a wonderful and thoughtful counselor, compassionate but firm, and more than willing to be of assistance to you and Jethro."

Tony's eyes cut to look at Ducky. Then he looked angrily at Gibbs, whose expression remained neutral. He'd already had this conversation with Ducky. He knew there was a chance this would make Tony angry, but he felt it was not only necessary, but worthwhile.

"I don't want to talk to a damn shrink," Tony growled. "I thought I've made that abundantly clear. Why the hell can't anyone listen to me on this?"

"Because you're wrong Tony," Gibbs said bluntly. "Look, I know you're scared. I know you're traumatized. After what you've been through I don't blame you for that. But you have to work it out. You can't keep it bottled up in your head like this." Gibbs took a deep breath. "I love you Sweetheart," he said gently. "But if you want to come back to work you're going to have to trust us on this one. You're going to have to get some help."

Tony felt like he'd been kicked. "You'd…you'd take work away from me? Seriously?"

"Tony…Babe, think about it. If we were to have to work a rape case right now, do you honestly think you could handle it?"

"I…"

"And if we had to work a murder involving a knife, or a car, or God-forbid a throat-slashing, do you think you could handle it?"

Tony's mouth snapped shut and his eyes flashed with anger. Gibbs was right. Dammit. He didn't want to admit it.

"I'm not as weak as you think I am," Tony said softly, dangerously.

"No one here thinks you are weak," Gibbs said firmly. "But sometimes…sometimes strength comes from asking for help."

Ducky smiled, proud of Jethro. Typically Jethro acted as a functional-mute, grunting and pointing to get what he wanted, growling for results when nothing else worked. To see him speak so gently, and so…eloquently to Tony…it made Ducky smile.

"I think it's pretty fucked up that you and Ducky are making all my decisions for me," Tony snapped. He rose off the couch and began to pace around. "I am an adult you know. I can make my own decisions. I can take care of myself."

"Do you think you don't need help?" Ducky's voice was gentle, non-judgmental.

"I'm sure I don't," Tony snapped. "I don't want your help, I don't want Gibbs' help, I don't want some random college professor Dr. Dolittle to help me. I want to be left the hell alone to try and think for one fucking minute and figure out what the hell I need to do next."

"We tried that," Gibbs said softly. "You went back to your apartment. Alone. To think. You see how well that worked."

Tony stared at him for a long moment, eyes flashing in anger and betrayal. Finally, his shoulders dropped and he let out a long breath.

"Fine," he snapped. "I will meet this shrink. But if I decide she's a quack or I decide I don't like her, then I'm not going back," he stated firmly.

Ducky and Jethro both nodded. Success. Tony would like her, Ducky felt sure of it. "That's fine Tony," Gibbs said. "At least you're willing to try."

"Not like you're leaving me a lot of friggin' choice," Tony snapped.

"It's only because we care about you Anthony," Ducky said gently.

"Yeah," Tony said softly. He was being an ass and he didn't even know why. "Yeah I know," he said softly.

TBC…


	10. Markers

_Thanks to my wonderful dear friend who is helping me with this story—you rock! Much love! _

**No Chains Holding Me  
><strong>**Chapter 10: Markers**

Gibbs sat up in bed and looked at the clock. 0300. He glanced around the room and noted the empty other side of the bed. He listened carefully, but couldn't hear any sound in the house. The shower (thankfully) wasn't running, but he couldn't hear the television either. Sliding out of bed, Jethro wandered through the house, scratching his chest absentmindedly as he made his way down the stairs.

His heart broke at the sight he beheld in the living room.

Tony was sitting on the couch, his knees pulled up tight to his chest, and his chin resting on them. There was an infomercial playing on the television with the closed captions on and the sound muted. Tony's hands were cupping the back of his neck and his eyes were wide and darting all around. Every light downstairs was on.

"Tony?" Gibbs knew he'd made enough noise walking down the stairs that Tony would have heard him. "What are you doing awake? It's three in the morning. Come back to bed Babe."

Gibbs couldn't figure out _how_ Tony was awake. Ducky had given him a pretty strong sedative (after much arguing and discussion) before he'd left. It hadn't taken Tony long to fall asleep, but it seemed that not even drugs could help him find any peace. Gibbs frowned sadly when Tony shook his head no, the movement shaky and jerky.

Moving slowly so he didn't scare his lover, Gibbs moved to sit on the couch near Tony but not touching. Tony put his head down on his knees so his face was hidden and the two were quiet for a long time.

"You should go to bed Jethro," Tony mumbled from his lap.

Gibbs settled a little deeper on the couch. "Not until you go to bed. You need to rest."

Tony looked up at him sharply, and from his close location, Gibbs could see the fogginess in Tony's gaze. The drugs hadn't worn off at all. Tony was fighting them. "I know what I need, _Boss,_" Tony snapped.

Gibbs scooted just a bit closer on the couch. They still weren't touching but they were sitting well within each others' "bubble" now. Jethro leaned forward and picked up the remote. "Well if we're going to stay up, let's at least watch something good on tv and have some sound, yeah?"

Tony stayed in his curled up position and nodded, not moving otherwise. Gibbs reached behind him and pulled the throw blanket off the back of the couch. "Want to share?" he asked Tony gently. He'd noticed the way Tony was shivering just slightly.

Tony looked up at him for a long moment. "Why are you being so nice to me," he whispered. "I'm so horrible to you and you just…keep…being nice?"

Gibbs spread the blanket over both of them and nodded. "Well yeah Tony," he said gently.

"Why?"

"Because I love you Sweetheart. Don't want you to go through this alone, and the last thing you need is me giving you shit."

Tony chuckled at the matter-of-fact way Gibbs spoke, but didn't miss the truth in the words. "I know you do," he said sobering a bit. He snuggled under the blanket.

Gibbs continued flipping channels, hoping to find something on to watch. Eventually he settled on the movie channel that was playing something in black and white. Knowing that Tony generally loved old movies of this nature, he set the remote down. It wasn't long before Tony sat up and was paying attention to the movie, and it wasn't long after that when Gibbs realized they were watching _Casablanca_.

An hour or so later, Gibbs was startled awake by a heavy head hitting his shoulder as Tony finally succumbed to sleep again. Smiling sadly, Gibbs pulled the blanket higher over Tony's shoulder and pressed a kiss to the top of his head. "Here's lookin' at you kid," Gibbs whispered. He tilted his head to rest on top of Tony's and let the movie lull him back to sleep.

xxx

"Looks like this is the place," Gibbs said softly as the elevator dinged and the doors opened. Together he and Tony stepped out into what looked like a large, comfortable living room. There were plants growing near the windows, overstuffed couches and chairs, even a recliner in one corner. In the middle of it all was a small desk with a small woman sitting there to answer the phone.

There were multiple doors leading off of this main room and Tony wasn't sure where to sit…there weren't any places where he could just put his back to the wall. All of the chairs were out on the open floor. He shot Gibbs a frustrated look, and the older man thinned his lips and nodded. He understood that Tony was feeling uncomfortable in the waiting room.

Gibbs signed them in and looked around. They would be spending the next three hours in this building, one hour each in this room, and two hours down one of the halls, behind one of those doors…Gibbs ran a hand over his mouth. He was more than a bit nervous about this himself, but he was keeping his concern to himself. Tony needed to know that Gibbs approved of this. If Gibbs showed the slightest weakness here then Tony would be out the door like a shot. Gibbs resolutely picked up a magazine and headed for a chair near the window. They were about ten minutes early for their appointment and the waiting room was empty. Tony paced around, hands clasped behind his neck, breathing in short gasps, trying his best not to panic.

After several minutes of watching Tony wander around the room Gibbs put the magazine down. "Tony," he said softly. Tony looked at him. "C'mere," he said softly, beckoning him with a crooked finger.

Tony crossed the room and stood before Gibbs. "Wanna sit down here?" Gibbs indicated his chair.

Tony shook his head. "I'm good," he whispered. "I'll just stand."

Gibbs was concerned. He knew Tony wasn't feeling well, and he also knew that he'd barely gotten any sleep the night before. The most restful Gibbs had seen him since this whole mess started was the couple of hours before the sun rose several mornings ago when they'd been watching the movie in the living room and Tony dozed off with his head on Gibbs' shoulder. He was worried that Tony was running on fumes, and was worried that he was going to end up ill if they weren't careful.

A door behind Tony opened and Tony whirled around in a near panic. He hated it when people came up behind him and in this unfamiliar place with so many doors and windows and chairs in the middle of the damn floor, there was nowhere here that Tony felt truly safe. Gibbs reached up and touched his hand gently. "It's ok," he whispered.

They looked at the woman who was standing in the doorway. She was staring at the two of them with a gentle smile on her face and Gibbs wondered if this woman was one of Cheryl's other patients. He glanced around looking for the doctor, but didn't see her anywhere.

"Are you Tony and Jethro," she asked in a sweet, gentle, unassuming voice.

Tony's eyebrows raised and Gibbs smirked. Oh this was too good to be true. Only Ducky would pick a shrink like this for the two of them.

"Who the heck are you? If you don't mind me asking," Tony sputtered.

The woman smiled brighter, showing white teeth. "My name is Dr. Cheryl Hodges," she said, bowing just slightly. "But you can call me Cheryl." She looked at the two men as they looked at each other. "Ok help me out a little bit," Cheryl said. "Which one is which? Who's Tony?"

Tony reluctantly lifted a hand and nodded at her. She smiled, that gentle unassuming smile again, and then looked at Jethro. "That means you're Jethro," she said.

"Gibbs is fine," Jethro said with a casual shrug. "It's what everyone calls me."

"Gibbs it is then. I want you both to be comfortable here." Tony snorted. Cheryl raised an eyebrow when Gibbs headslapped him lightly. _Oh this is going to be fun,_ she thought to herself.

xxx

When Ducky had called up his friend Cheryl, it had initially been to gain some advice on how he should proceed in interacting with Tony and Jethro in light of their situation. Cheryl was always gracious and generous with information and advice, but on this occasion she was firm that these two men needed very specialized professional assistance.

"Be their friend Ducky. Get them to me or to someone like me as soon as they are able to conceptualize it. They're going to need a lot of support."

Later, when Ducky called her and told her that Tony had been contemplating suicide when he'd gone to his apartment alone, Cheryl became much more concerned for this man's safety. She worried about him staying with Jethro, wondered at the man's ability to protect both Tony and Jethro from Tony. A sad but true fact was that if someone had a desire to injure or kill themselves, they would find a way to make that happen. Cheryl was reassured by the fact that Tony realized what he was doing and stopped on his own before he injured himself. But what would happen the next time if he didn't stop?

She'd been greatly relieved when Jethro Gibbs called her the next day and requested a three hour time block. He sounded hesitant, as though he wasn't sure he thought it was a good idea, but he was eager for Tony to come in. She quietly insisted that, at least for a few sessions, Gibbs come in as well—both for his own individual session, as well as a joint session with Tony. Gibbs had reluctantly agreed and Cheryl wondered if both of them would actually show up.

Cheryl had been in the mental health profession for nearly twenty five years. Over her career she had seen people with mental illnesses, people who suffered from abuse of various forms, trauma of all varieties, people who just needed someone to talk to, and people who had given up hope on life. An avid writer, she had written books on most of those areas. She'd worked with children and teens, young people and elderly, middle aged, and differently-abled. She had participated in play therapy, music therapy, art therapy, counseling, and meditation practices. She didn't like to use hypnosis if she could avoid it, and she didn't like to bully people into talking to her. She didn't think that was helpful. Cheryl was the director of the Psychology Department at George Washington University and in addition to her director duties and her small part time counseling practice, Cheryl taught five graduate level courses each semester.

She had never married and several years before her closest friend had died unexpectedly in a car accident. She understood grief. She understood loss. She understood how hard it was to pull yourself out of bed and put your feet on the floor.

Cheryl stood in the doorway of her waiting room staring at these two men and it was quite obvious to her that they needed her help. They were drowning in a sea of fear, doubt, and stress. She could help them. She could throw them a lifeline. She would put their feet back on solid ground again and help them rebuild their lives.

xxx

Cheryl Hodges stood before these two men and was completely confident she could help them—if they would let her. She put her hands on her hips and flipped her long graying braid over her shoulder. "So. What do you two want to accomplish today? How do you want to do this?"

Tony felt like he'd walked into the Twilight Zone. How the hell was he supposed to know how to do this? This wasn't even his idea to come! He didn't want to be here, didn't want her to help him, didn't want to admit he needed help. He crossed his arms and stared at the floor. "He's the Boss," Tony said irritably, indicating Gibbs with his head.

Cheryl smiled. Tony was obviously here under duress. "Tony? What would you like to do today?"

Tony stared at her and started to retort something unkind but caught himself. This woman was just trying to help, and he had given his word that he would at least give her a chance. He looked at Gibbs then he looked at this strange woman standing in front of him and he wondered if he could trust her. His gut told him to run into her open arms, but his brain said not to trust anyone.

Gibbs glanced at Tony, wondering what he would say. He wasn't expecting Cheryl to put the ball in Tony's court like this. The only time that he or Tony had been to see a shrink had been for their Psych Evals at work. The evals were carefully planned so that the shrink monitored every move they made from the time they walked in the door until they left. This…this seemed much more relaxed…it was very different from what they were expecting.

"I um…" Tony ran his hands through his hair and looked around the waiting room for someone or something that could help him. "I don't know," Tony said softly, staring at the floor.

Cheryl nodded and smiled sagely. "I have an idea," she offered gently. "And you can tell me if you think it will work for today."

Tony raised his gaze to the woman still standing several feet away. He was momentarily surprised when he realized that he _did_ want her guidance—more than anything right now. He needed someone to help him—he had to get back on an even keel, and he knew he couldn't do it by himself. Gibbs watched Tony's reaction and easily read his lover's expression. This woman may just be able to get through to Tony.

"What I suggest is that today we only meet for one hour. And we do a joint session. I want to hear from both of you—what do you want to accomplish from us talking? And I want us to make a plan. We'll keep it nice and easy today. Then the next time you come we can really get down and dirty. How's that sound?"

Tony let out a slow breath. "That uh…that sounds good…at least to me…Jet?"

Gibbs nodded. "We'll do whatever you think is best Cheryl," he said evenly.

"Excellent," she said with a huge smile. "Come with me."

xxx

If the waiting room and Cheryl hadn't surprised Tony and Jethro enough, they were both completely stunned by the room she led them to. There were windows on 2 of the walls overlooking the beautiful grounds of the university below them. The walls were painted a gentle light blue color, reminiscent of a summer day at the beach. There were beanbag chairs piled in one corner, a wooden dining room table in the middle of the room was surrounded by chairs that matched it perfectly. There was a couch, similar to the ones in the waiting room filling up one wall. Another wall was filled with shelves of…toys?

Tony shot a skeptical glance at Gibbs. This lady was crazy if she thought Tony was going to play with toys.

"Before we begin I want to let you know the ground rules for my sessions." Both men looked at her. "Rule number one. Everyone will talk. We will take turns. Rule number two. Everyone will be honest. This sometimes invokes emotions we are not necessarily prepared for. Rule number three. Everyone will be respected in this room. That includes me. That includes you respecting yourselves and your safety. That includes each other and each other's feelings." She eyed each man carefully, and they both nodded silently. "Good. Have a seat wherever you like," Cheryl said.

She walked to a cabinet in the room and pulled out several pieces of construction paper and markers. Turning from the cabinet she was not surprised to see both men sitting stiffly in the chairs at the wooden table. Tony's back was to the wall. Without a word she handed out paper to each of them and set the markers on the table in the center.

"We gonna have arts and crafts?" Tony asked snarkily.

Cheryl smiled thinly, not letting him bait her—though he was trying. She could easily see this was a mask. Interesting.

"Maybe if we're good she'll give us graham crackers and red kool-aid when we're finished Jet," Tony chuckled.

Gibbs shot a look at Cheryl and fought down his grin. She wasn't buying Tony's bullshit at all. She was on to him. He was liking her more and more all the time. He wondered how far she'd let Tony take it before she called him on it.

"The first thing we need to do is make a plan," Cheryl started softly, taking her own seat at the table. "We're going to use the paper and the markers to make a list."

Tony's jaw dropped slightly. "You're serious," he said.

Cheryl nodded. "Quite serious actually."

"You want us to use markers? And colored paper? Like a bunch of kids?"

"There's nothing wrong with adding a little color in your world," Cheryl said gently. "For starters, I want you to pick up the color that best reflects your mood, right now, at this very instant."

There was no hesitation from Gibbs who immediately picked up the gray marker. Cheryl smiled and nodded once. Gibbs was feeling some apprehension about the process, was unsure of his role in the process, and had a lot of questions…she could see it all over his face. Gray was perfect for him.

Tony was having a bit more trouble. His fingers danced from one color to the next, lighting on each one before moving on to another one. Fighting down the urge to panic—the urge to run away—Tony finally let out a long breath and grabbed the black marker.

Cheryl had her theories on using the color black, but she wanted to hear why Tony chose that. "Can you tell me about your mood right now Tony?" She indicated the black marker in his hand.

"Oh um. Well…I was just…" he glanced at Gibbs. The older man raised one eyebrow and that eyebrow told Tony he'd better be honest. "I'm all jumbled up," Tony said quietly. He worked the marker nervously in his hands, moving it from one hand to the other, tapping it nervously on the table. "I don't know what…color my mood is right now. It could be red, but also blue. Maybe green, not yellow so much. Purple…I have no idea…but red and blue make purple and I'm definitely red and blue," Tony rambled on and on about the colors. "I'm all of them," he said finally. "I can't pick one color for one mood. I am having all of those feeling all at the same time and I don't know how to make it stop, and that makes me mad," Tony said. "That's why I chose black."

Cheryl sat back in her chair, crossed her arms and grinned, waiting for Tony to realize what he'd just said. It took about 12 seconds. Tony blinked and looked at her, then at Jethro, then back to her.

"I haven't been able to work that out in almost a week," Tony said softly. "And all you did was tell me to pick a marker and it just happened. How'd you do that?"

"I gave your brain something else to focus on," Cheryl said gently. She turned to Gibbs. "Tell me why you picked the gray one."

Now it was Gibbs' turn to look slightly uncomfortable. He stared at the marker, inspecting it as he would a piece of wood for his boat. "Lots of gray areas in our lives right now," he said quietly. If Tony could do it, he could too. He needed to do it. For Tony's sake.

Cheryl nodded. "Now see? Both of you came to some realizations just then. Wasn't so painful, was it?"

"Won't always be that easy, I bet," Gibbs grumbled.

"No, unfortunately you are correct about that. Now. Put your markers back on the table. I want you to choose another marker, with the color representing the mood you want to achieve here. Using that marker, what I want you to do next, is make a list."

"What sort of list," Tony's eyes were fixed on Cheryl. He didn't like shrinks as a general rule, but this one…she was different. She was weird and Tony liked that.

"Two lists actually. Five things each. On the first list I want you to write five things that you want to accomplish by meeting with me individually. On the second list I want you to write five things that you want to accomplish by meeting with me together. So ten goals altogether on each of your lists."

"No one said there would be a test," Tony whined.

Cheryl smiled. "Well I will help you learn the answers if you let me," she said pointedly, albeit gently.

Tony blinked. "Point," he muttered. "List. Ok I can write a list." He looked over the variety of colors on the table. Blues, purples, greens, yellows, pinks, oranges, reds, browns, and lots of colors in between. It seemed Cheryl had the entire color wheel laid out before him. It was a big decision. What _did_ he want from this? Peace. He wanted peace. He wanted to be happy. He wanted to still be loved. He realized she'd done it again. He was already writing his list in his mind. Now he needed to pick the right color. He settled on a dusky purple.

Next to him, Gibbs was contemplating the same things. He'd chosen a vibrant green color. He wanted things to be better than ever between him and Tony. He wanted to feel like he could help his partner through this hard time. He wanted to feel like he was in control of his world again. Gibbs started writing. His handwriting was neat, his goals were written in straight lines, it was all very orderly. Cheryl figured that Gibbs was a person who liked a lot of order in his world. Things should have straight lines and right angles, and be a bit more black and white than he was experiencing now. If she wagered a guess, she figured he was former military of some variety—probably Marines.

Cheryl glanced at Tony's page. He'd written only a couple of things, though she noticed he had divided his paper in half and had two columns going. She figured he was the more laid back one of the two, took more things by chance, possibly took more risks than Gibbs did. She knew they were work partners, but watching them together, it was obvious to her there was more going on. Ducky hadn't said specifically what their relationship was, only that they were very close. When she'd first laid eyes on the pair in the waiting room she immediately thought father-son relationship. However, looking at how Tony sought the approval of Gibbs, and looking at how Gibbs was so…gentle? with Tony…she wondered if it wasn't something a little less…platonic between them.

Gibbs didn't take very long to finish his list. Tony took considerably longer. Gibbs wished he had a cup of coffee. Finally Tony closed the marker and set it down and leaned back in his seat. He looked exhausted. Gibbs smiled sadly at him, relieved when Tony returned the smile.

"Are you both ready?" They nodded. "First thing I want to talk about is the colors you selected. Gibbs you go first this time."

Gibbs set the marker down on the table so it was standing tall, it's green lid pointing at the ceiling. "Picked green," he said softly. "Um…green reminds me of things growing…makes me think of new leaves on trees and stuff," he said lamely, feeling very self-conscious. Tony listened, captivated. "It's uh…it's my favorite color," Gibbs continued. "I think it reminds me of second chances."

Cheryl smiled and nodded. "Very nice choice," she said. "Will you read your Together List out loud please?"

Gibbs stared at her for a long moment. God he hated this emotion-sharing-shit. He took a deep breath and lifted the paper off the table and cleared his throat. "Number one. I want things to be better than ever between me and Tony. Especially communication. Number two. I want to be able to touch Tony—hold his hand, hug him—without making him feel scared. Number three," Gibbs cheeks and ears began to tint pink as he spoke. "Number three. I want Tony to feel safe riding shotgun with me in the front seat. I miss him." Gibbs resolutely did not look at Tony. He'd never be able to finish it if he did. "Number four. I want…I want to sleep under the covers with Tony. And uh…number five. I want to take Tony out on a date for our anniversary."

Beside him Tony made a choked sound and Gibbs glanced over to see tears on his cheeks. He immediately reached out and grabbed Tony's hand. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I didn't mean to upset you."

Tony shook his head. "You didn't…You didn't. It's…" he wiped a hand over his face. "I don't know what it is," Tony whispered.

Cheryl reached behind her and plucked a box of tissues from the counter and set it on the table. It took Tony several minutes to compose himself and Cheryl watched Tony and Jethro in the meantime. She'd wondered about their relationship, but Gibbs' list of goals confirmed it for her. No matter, she had no objection to gay couples. She wondered what would be on Tony's list.

After several minutes Tony managed to calm himself down. He wiped his face and took several deep breaths.

"Tony whenever you are ready, you can tell me about the color you picked." Cheryl's voice was gentle and soft, instructing him without giving orders.

Tony sniffled and then blew his nose into a tissue. "Sorry," he said softly. "I've been doing that a lot lately."

"That is perfectly normal Tony," Cheryl said gently. "No one is going to judge you for shedding tears. I may even shed some of my own before this is over with. Are you ready to continue?"

Tony hesitated for a moment, nervous about reading his list, and then nodded. Jethro had been brave enough to read his list. Tony could do it too. He picked it up and Cheryl and Gibbs both noticed that Tony's hands were trembling slightly.

"Um…I guess…number one…I want Jethro to…" his breath caught. "I want Jethro to still love me. And I want to believe him when he says he does." Tony said softly. Oh God this was harder than he thought. "Um…next…I don't want to be treated like I'm different. I'm still me," Tony said.

"I agree," Cheryl said. "You are still you. Continue please."

"Uh…I don't want to feel like I'm breakable. Even though…well I guess I kinda am," Tony said with a shrug. He took a deep breath. "Next…um…" Tony's cheeks colored, "I want to trust Jethro with my body. And uh…last…I want me and Jethro to be closer than we were before all of this…I want us to be able to talk easier…I want us to be able to do things together or separate…I don't want to worry so much about what could happen."

"That's a very good list Tony. Now tell me about the color you picked."

Tony felt a knot of tension in his stomach. What would Gibbs think when he said this? Could he lie his way out of it? Make something up? He took a deep breath and decided he wanted to tell the truth…surely Cheryl would protect him—and she'd said they had to respect each other—that meant Gibbs couldn't laugh at him.

"The um…that color…is close to the color of…of Jethro's bedroom…when the sun first starts to come up," Tony said softly. "And I dunno what it is…but there's something about that…just being in that room when it's that color, waking up to that…it's so…" he ran a hand over his eyes. He would not cry again. He would not. "It's so safe," Tony whispered. "It's comfortable, and it's warm, and it's peaceful, and it's so safe. I want to feel safe again," Tony's voice broke and sobs tore through him. He put his face in his hands and cried his heart out, shoulders shaking and chest heaving.

Cheryl glanced at Gibbs, wondering what he would do.

The moment Tony's face went into his hands, Gibbs moved to his side. He knelt beside Tony's chair on one knee and put his hands gently on Tony's wrists, guiding them away from his face. Tony leaned into him and sobbed brokenly on Gibbs' shoulder. Gibbs ran his hand up and down Tony's back, one hand cupping the back of Tony's head.

"It's ok Tony," Gibbs whispered. "Shhhh it's ok…it's ok."

Cheryl watched them closely for a minute to make sure Tony was going to be able to regain control of his emotions. In an effort to give them some privacy while Tony calmed down, so he wouldn't feel as though he was under scrutiny from her, she picked up their papers and read over their individual goals.

She read through Tony's list first.

_1. Peace. I want to stop feeling like I'm going to fly apart._

_2. I don't want to feel scared anymore. I can't even ride in the front seat of a car or be left alone without freaking out.  
>3. Clean. I want to take a shower and feel clean.<br>4. I want to go back to work, to the market, to the movies. I want to do the things I used to do.  
>5. I want to be able to drink something—anything—without a flashback…without throwing up.<em>

The last item on the list made Cheryl pause. Had Tony not been able to drink anything since he was raped? She made a mental note to check and see how long ago Tony was attacked. He could be in danger of dehydrating if they weren't careful.

Glancing at the two papers in her hand, Cheryl then began to read Jethro's list.

_1. I want to feel like I can support Tony right now and in the future. I want to be what he needs._

_2. I want to not feel guilty for my role in Tony being attacked.  
>3. I want to continue to lead my team at work—including Tony—without being terrified of something happening.<br>4. I want to work on my boat and not feel selfish.  
>5. I want to sleep at night without nightmares about what happened to Tony.<em>

Cheryl covered her mouth with one hand. She glanced over at Tony whose head was still lying on Jethro's shoulder, tears still streaming down his face. His hands were tightly fisted in Jethro's shirt and his eyes were squeezed shut. Jethro still hugged Tony close, hand running through his hair and up and down his back soothingly. His eyes were also closed and his mouth was in a firm line.

Oh they definitely had their work cut out for them.

TBC…


	11. Homework

**Author's Note:** My friend **Moonlight Gypsy** wanted a cupcake…so this is me giving her a *virtual cupcake* since I can't give her the real thing :)  
><strong>Thank you note:<strong> Thanks to my friend for your wonderful help and for betaing this story.

**No Chains Holding Me  
><strong>**Chapter 11: Homework**

It took almost twenty minutes for Tony to get himself together enough for them to continue. He held a wadded up tissue in his hand and his fingers fiddled with it while he stared at his lap. Gibbs had returned to his own seat, but his gaze hadn't drifted from Tony for more than a second or two at a time. Cheryl watched them both, intrigued by the genuine love she saw in their relationship…love that might become hindered if she didn't find a way to help them through this tough time.

"Are you feeling better now Tony?"

Tony glanced nervously at the counselor, trying to judge if she was concerned or mocking. He felt like she was more concerned which relieved him.

"I think so," he said softly. "Sorry I lost it like that."

"No apologies," Cheryl said with a smile. "Crying is often part of the healing process. The fact that you can do that is very good. Very healthy," she said.

"So now what, Doc," Gibbs asked softly. His fingers were twisting nervously on the table and each time his fingers would twist his thumb would rub over the top of the opposite thumb's nail. Cheryl watched Gibbs do it several times, and wondered if the man even realized he had the nervous habit. And she wondered if he'd had it before now.

"I'd like to hear what you would like from me. Are there any boundaries you have? Anything that you don't want to talk about or deal with? If there is, and if it isn't related to your recovery here, then I am willing to side step things you don't feel comfortable talking about."

"I don't wanna talk about my childhood or my family," Tony said immediately, his voice just barely above a whisper. "I'm sure I need to, and I'm sure some day I will, but I…I can't…I can't deal with that…now…not now."

Cheryl made a note to not ask about Tony's family unless it directly affected something she saw, and she explained as much to Tony who reluctantly agreed. She turned to Gibbs. "What about you Gibbs? Anything?"

"I don't want to be made to look or feel stupid," Gibbs said firmly, but his gaze didn't meet her eyes either. "Everyone thinks I'm a bastard, and they're right," Cheryl smiled at this, not believing a word of it, "but I'm not an idiot. Talk to me like I'm an adult, and give it to me straight. Don't sugarcoat it. I don't need that."

"Fair enough," Cheryl agreed, making another note.

"I um…I had a question," Tony said softly.

"Fire away."

"Um…h-how long do you think this'll take? I mean I'm not t-trying to rush you or anything," Tony said. "I just was um…wondering…and do you think I c-can go back to w-work?"

Cheryl smiled gently and put her pen down. "Tony I don't really like to predict how things will progress. We'll take it in steps and not worry about how long it's going to take if that's ok with you. I won't let it drag on for years and years if that's what you're worried about," she said, looking at him seriously.

Tony looked a bit uncomfortable with the answer so Cheryl thought for a moment. She glanced at the lists Jethro and Tony had each made, and she looked at her notes.

"Let's say this much for sure," she offered. Tony looked up, interested. "Let's plan on us getting together two times a week for a month. I want you to call me every day that we are not meeting. We'll look at it again in a month and see how we will go from there."

"Will I be done in a month do you think?"

"Honest opinion? No I don't think so," Cheryl said gently. Tony visibly deflated. "That isn't to say you won't ever get past this Tony. But you've had some really severe trauma. It takes time to reorganize after that. We're working on your schedule ok? And you're going to be honest with me and tell me how you're doing, so that I can be honest with you and let you know how long this will take us. Deal?"

Tony stared at the woman who spoke so frankly with him. She wasn't one of those slick talking shrinks who tried to trick you into saying something wrong. She honestly seemed like she really wanted him to get better.

"Deal," he whispered.

Cheryl turned to Gibbs. "We'll see aside two meetings a week for you as well, for that first month," she said. "But you don't have to call me unless there is a problem."

"Is there any specific time I should call…?" Tony asked.

Cheryl shook her head. "Whenever you feel like it. And another thing—if you've already called me once during a day, and you feel the need to call me back—that is totally fine. If you call me ten times a day I don't mind. You can call me at lunch, you can call me during prime time television, you can call me at three in the morning. Doesn't matter to me. I am here to help you—I am here for you to talk to, and I am making myself available to you twenty four hours a day."

Tony looked uncomfortable again so Cheryl prodded him. "You call me if you need me, you hear?"

Tony looked her in the eyes. "I don't wanna bug you," he said uncomfortably. "I mean you've got other things—other people—hell you're so busy, I…"

"If I'm in the middle of something and you call me, then I'll call you back as soon as possible," Cheryl said. "I wouldn't have offered for you to do it if I didn't mean for you to take me up on it Tony," she said. "Jethro if you feel like he needs to talk to me, or if you feel like you need to talk, the same goes for you," she pointed a finger at him. "Any time, day or night. You hear?"

Gibbs nodded. "Yes ma'am," he said.

"Good. Now Tony, for your next session I have some homework for you to get ready."

Tony blinked and stared. Homework? Seriously? "Um…ok?"

"Here is what I want you to do," she handed him a small, spiral bound notebook. "I would like for you to record for me everything you eat—even if it's only one bite of something—and everything you drink. That includes water from brushing your teeth. I'm concerned you may be in danger of dehydration, and that won't do at all. I'm sure the last thing you want is to be back in the hospital."

"No ma'am," Tony said. "I don't want that at all."

Cheryl nodded. "Good. Then record everything you eat and drink, every day until I see you again. Now, the second thing," she added and Tony groaned. She smiled. "The second thing I want you to do, is in that same notebook, write down the hours that you sleep. Not _how many_ hours you sleep, but the specific hours that you sleep. If you fall asleep at one in the afternoon and sleep until eight at night, then write that down."

"I can do that," Tony said softly.

"Do you have any homework for me," Gibbs asked.

Cheryl shook her head. "Nope. I figure you've got your hands full enough as it is. My door is always open to both of you anytime day or night. Give me a call if you need me." She glanced at her watch and smiled. "Time's up."

xxx

Gibbs wasn't at all surprised when Tony dozed off in the backseat of the car on the way home. He drove a bit gentler than normal, easing on and off the gas as necessary and not squealing the tires. Steering carefully, he turned down his street and froze in horror in front of his house. Kate's car was there. Tim's car. Abby's car. Ducky's car was absent, but he was the one he knew Tony would have welcomed to visit. Why wasn't everyone at NCIS? Working hours were not finished for the day. He drove past his house and pulled out his phone and dialed.

"_Hello Jethro,"_ Ducky answered.

"Is there a party at my house that everybody forgot to tell me about?" Gibbs growled.

"_Oh dear," _Ducky said._ "I suppose they got tired of waiting to see Tony. I advised them not to go Jethro."_

"We are just coming in from our first session with Cheryl," Gibbs said. "It was pretty emotional and hard on Tony. He is actually asleep in the backseat. I need to get him to a place where he can rest."

"_Bring him to my house Jethro," _Ducky said._ "You can tell me what Cheryl said while Anthony takes a good nap. Afterwards we will see what we can rustle up for dinner. I am headed home from NCIS now."_

Dinner? Gibbs looked at the clock. Sure enough. It wouldn't be long before dinner time. Gibbs sighed softly. "Thanks Duck. We're on our way," Gibbs said.

"_I'll call everyone and tell them to go home," _Ducky said gently._ "I'll pretend as though I have no idea. None of them would lie to me though. I'll take care of them, not to worry. But you really should call and speak with them at some point."_

"I know…and I will…I just…things have been kinda busy," Gibbs said.

"_I understand that Jethro. They are concerned however, as you can no doubt see by your driveway."_

"Yeah," Gibbs said softly. He glanced in the back and saw that Tony had shifted so he was lying down across the backseat, sound asleep. "He's sleeping so well right now," Gibbs murmured. "It's a shame to wake him up."

Ducky hummed his agreement and Jethro hung up the phone and turned the car towards Ducky's house.

xxx

While Gibbs was driving to Ducky's house with Tony, the rest of his team was sitting in his living room waiting for Gibbs and Tony to return.

"I wonder where they went," McGee said nervously. He felt very uncomfortable being in his boss' house. He just wanted to see that they were both alright and then get the heck out of there.

"Relax Tim," Kate said. "Maybe they went to get something to eat, or to a movie."

"Umm…if Tony's as bad off as all the rumors around NCIS are indicating he is, then I doubt he's at the movies," Abby said. "I wonder if he had a doctor's appointment."

"So how long do we sit here?" McGee asked.

Kate settled in a little deeper on the couch that was up against the wall—not where she recalled it being, but sometimes people moved furniture. "Until they get back."

Abby's cell phone rang. "Maybe that's Gibbs calling," she chirped, diving for her purse to get the phone. "Ohh…it's Ducky…" she flipped the phone open. "Hi Ducky!"

"Good afternoon Abigail. Are you still in your lab?"

"My lab? Right now? Oh um…not...not exactly." She made a face at Kate—something was up.

"_Have you by any chance spoken with Timothy or Caitlyn?"_

"Tim and Kate?" McGee's face blanched. "Oh um…yeah I talked to them not too long ago why, Ducky?"

"_Because earlier my dear, I heard you speaking to the others about 'staking out Gibbs' house,' I believe you phrased it. I was curious if you actually had carried out your little plan?"_

"Um…yes. Yes we did. We're here now."

"Ah yes I see. Then I would like for you to listen to me and heed my advice this time. Return to work. Jethro will call you all as soon as he has the opportunity."

"But Ducky," Abby whined. "We're all trying to be so patient and we haven't heard from Gibbs in days and the only person he's talking to is you and we just wanna know that Tony's alright and—"

"And have I not told you that Tony is not alright and does not need to be crowded right now? I think I distinctly recall telling you that Abigail. On more than one occasion."

"I know Ducky, but we're just worried."

"I understand that my dear. However you are being quite disrespectful to Jethro and to Tony."

A thought occurred to Abby. "They drove by here didn't they? They saw us and they called you and you're calling me now because of that."

Ducky chuckled. "You are a bright girl Abigail. Now it would be very helpful if you all would do as you are told. Go to NCIS and finish your workday. I think Director Morrow would not be happy to learn of all of you going on a little excursion in the middle of the day like you did. How long have you been there?"

"About…about two hours," Abby said softly.

Ducky realized how close Jethro and Tony had gotten to the team running into them. They'd not been gone long at all when the others showed up.

"Go back to NCIS Abigail. And take Timothy and Caitlyn with you. I will have Jethro call you this evening."

"You promise Ducky?"

"Abby!"

"Oh alright," Abby grumbled. "Bye Ducky," she said. She hung up the phone and looked at the others. "We're supposed to go back to NCIS and finish working. Gibbs is going to call us tonight."

"How did Ducky know we were here? Why would he call and tell us to leave—he knows how concerned we are!" McGee said.

"Tony and Gibbs drove by and saw all of our cars," Abby said. "And they didn't stop, they kept driving."

"Maybe they forgot something," Kate said reasonably.

Abby shook her head. "As soon as they drove away they called Ducky. That's why he called me now. Gibbs and Tony don't want to see us."

"But why wouldn't they want to see us," Kate said with a chuckle. "We're their team—we work together! Why wouldn't they want us to see them?" Her chuckle died in her throat.

The three friends stared at each other for a long moment. It was a very good question, indeed.

xxx

Gibbs pulled into Ducky's driveway and put the car in park. When he shut off the engine, Tony stirred in the backseat. Gibbs watched through the mirror as he slowly blinked his eyes open, watched them flash for an instant with fear before resettling. The younger man pushed himself up slowly and ran a hand over his face. He wrinkled his eyebrows and frowned when he saw where they were.

"Jet? What…what are we doing at Ducky's house?"

Gibbs took a slow, calming breath. He knew that his response could set the tone for the entire evening. "Ducky invited us over for dinner," he said softly. When Tony looked like he was going to protest, Gibbs continued. "The team was staked out at our house waiting for us to get back. I knew you weren't up for seeing everyone, so I called Duck and he said for us to come here."

"Should have asked me," Tony said, leaning back against the seat and crossing his arms. He looked angrier than he sounded though. He sounded…tired.

"Well you looked like you were getting some rest…I didn't want to bother you," Gibbs said uneasily, wondering if he'd made a mistake not to wake his lover up.

"So you just…just made the decision for me?" Tony sputtered.

"Yes," Gibbs said softly. "Because I knew it was the right decision to make." His words sounded more confident than he felt.

"Jesus Gibbs," Tony pouted, "I just…why didn't you…" he groaned and leaned forward putting his head in his hands. "I don't even know how to start working this out in my head," he said softly.

Gibbs took a deep breath and decided to take a chance. He pulled out his cell phone and clicked up Cheryl's phone number. "Do you want to call Cheryl? Your choice, but here's the phone if you want it," he offered gently.

"What, you don't want to deal with me? Is that it? Am I too much for you? Do you not know what to do with me?" Tony sneered.

"I love you. But no, right now I don't know how to make you feel better. I think Cheryl could help you."

Tony stared at Gibbs, stunned by his honest response. "I'm being an ass again," Tony murmured.

Gibbs looked at him. "You're feeling out of control," he guessed. "Makes sense to me," he said with a shrug.

Tony took the phone from his partner and stared at it for a long moment before hitting the button to start the call.

xxx

Finished with her clients and classes for the day, Cheryl picked up the stack of folders she'd gotten and sat down on her couch with them in her office. She laid the folders out on the table and began reading through the information she had. Medical reports, lab test results, NCIS reports, her own notes from today's session…Cheryl wanted to learn everything she could about what had happened to Tony DiNozzo. She sipped a cup of hot cocoa with a peppermint stick in it as she read.

It was listed in the reports that Tony had been drugged while working undercover. The lab results backed up the account. Tony had been raped repeatedly by two different assailants, both of whom were now deceased. He'd been given large doses of the drugs, raped, and the next day was threatened with a knife—evident by the small cut on the left side of his neck—and that was when he shot and killed one of his assailants.

Because of the nature of the case, the Internal Affairs officers had allowed Tony to write up his statement and send it in, rather than force him through a painful interview. Gibbs had met with IA and offered his statement. He was the one who found Tony in the car with the dead man.

Cheryl flipped another page and began to read Gibbs' report of finding Tony…

_**Excerpt From Gibbs' Report **_

_I arrived at the E-Z Store storage facility along with Agent Caitlyn Todd. We were following information provided to us by Undercover Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo about a stolen antiquities ring that we were investigating._

_I parked the car behind a light blue Mercury sedan—the car that we knew from the BOLO and from Agent DiNozzo that he and the suspect, Jeffrey White, were travelling in. I approached the car on the driver's side while Agent Todd moved to intercept alleged buyers of the stolen antiquities. _

_Upon reaching the car I saw the suspect, Jeffrey White, in the backseat with a GSW to his forehead. There was blood spatter on the back window of the vehicle as well as the two side windows in the back seat. Special Agent DiNozzo was sitting in the driver seat holding a gun in his hands. He had a cut on his neck, visible from where I was standing._

_I opened the door and helped Agent DiNozzo out of the car. He appeared groggy, slow to respond, and confused. I called Dr. Donald Mallard, ME and advised him of our location. While we waited for his arrival, I assisted Agent DiNozzo back to the NCIS vehicle where he began to lose consciousness…_

_**End Excerpt**_

Cheryl blinked in shock at the horrifying events that had taken place. How long had Tony sat in the car with the dead man? That alone could do damage. She flipped through the pages until she found Tony's statement to the Internal Affairs Officers regarding what had taken place the night before…

_**Excerpt From Tony's Report**_

_Jeffrey White and I met up with Lane Harrison at a cabin on Route 17. Shortly after we arrived, Lane cut the handcuffs that White and I were wearing. We entered the cabin. Lane made the statement to White that he "didn't like me hanging around." _

_That evening Lane and Jeffrey offered me a drink of whiskey. Knowing it would raise questions if I refused it, I accepted it and began to drink. A few minutes later I began to feel dizzy, nauseous and very hot. I was so woozy I decided I should go outside to get some air. When I stood up I nearly fell and Lane moved in front of me. He told me I didn't look so good and I should sit back down._

_After that the details become fuzzy. I remember realizing I was not wearing my clothes. I remember seeing Lane and Jeffrey each leaning over me. I was lying on a flat, soft surface. It felt like a mattress, but I don't know if it was in the bedroom or somewhere else. I remember begging them not to rape me, and once they started, I remember begging them to stop. At some point, Lane held my nose so I could be forced to open my mouth to breathe. When I opened my mouth he poured more whiskey down my throat. I remember seeing Jeffrey smiling over me. I remember hearing Lane laughing. I remember pain. After that I blacked out._

_The next morning I woke up and Lane was gone. Jeffrey said he had left without us. I wasn't sure if I should be driving because I still felt a bit woozy, but Jeffrey told me I had to drive. I asked where we were going, and he told me he'd give me directions as I needed them. We started driving and headed for Newport News, Virginia…_

_**End Excerpt**_

Cheryl blinked when she heard her cell phone ringing. Tearing her attention away from the horrible story she'd been reading, she glanced around for her phone, finding it on the table in front of her. Picking it up, she glanced at the name on the caller ID before answering.

_**Jethro Gibbs**_

Shocked that he'd be calling her—and so soon—she quickly answered the phone.

"Cheryl Hodges," she said.

"_H-Hi um…Cheryl…this is…um…this is Tony uh…Tony DiNozzo." _

"Hello Tony," she said. She wondered what had him so upset that he was calling so soon after his appointment.

"_I um…are you um…I mean if this is a bad time then…"_

"Tony." Tony stopped talking. "Think about what you want to say. Then tell me what's going on. You seem very agitated."

There was a pause and she heard him take several breaths. _"When-we-left-your-office-I-fell-asleep-on-the-way-home-and-then-when-we-got-back-to-Jethro's-house—"_

Cheryl bit down the chuckle in her throat when she listened to Tony ramble on without taking a breath. "Ok Tony," she said gently. "Take a deep breath and tell me slowly what happened."

"_Sorry,"_ Tony said softly. _"I fell asleep on the way back ho—uh…way back to Jethro's house. When Jethro pulled up to the house, he um…he saw that all of our team was there…so he drove by and didn't stop. He didn't think I was up to seeing everyone."_

"And are you up to seeing everyone?"

"_Ye—no, no I don't think so,"_ Tony said.

"Ok then what happened?"

"_Then he called up Ducky and told Ducky that everyone was at the house. Ducky said for Jethro and me to come for dinner. So Jethro agreed. We're at Ducky's house."_

"Okkk," Cheryl said.

"_I'm not really happy that Gibbs and Ducky keep making decisions for me and I don't know what to do to get past that,"_ Tony blurted. _"They bullied me into seeing you—no offense—and then now they're making dinner plans and—"_

"Tony," Cheryl said, stopping him again.

"_Yeah?"_

"Why does it upset you that Gibbs and Ducky made the decision about having dinner at Ducky's house?"

"_I want to go home,"_ Tony said immediately.

"If you go home you will run into everyone you work with though, correct?"

"_I…Yeah,"_ Tony said.

"And do you want to see everyone?"

"_No. No I-I can't…I can't do that yet,"_ Tony said, his voice dropping to a near whisper.

"Ok," Cheryl said. "So you don't want to go to Ducky's house, and you don't want to see everyone, so you can't go home yet. Where will you go? You could go back to your apartment?"

"_NO!"_ Tony's response was immediate and near-panicked. This didn't surprise Cheryl after what she'd heard about happening in Tony's apartment the last time he was there.

"_OK Tony, ok calm down,"_ Cheryl's voice was oddly soothing in Tony's ear and he struggled not to panic. Jethro watched him from the front seat, silent but obviously concerned, if the look on his face was any indication.

"I'm calm," Tony whispered a few moments later.

"_Good. You're doing very well. Now. You don't want to go to your apartment, and you don't want to face everyone. Ducky wouldn't let anyone in if you didn't want to see them would he?"_

Tony thought for a moment. The old doctor had been working quite diligently to make sure that the team stayed away for the past few days. "No he'd make them leave," Tony said softly. "But that doesn't change the fact that I didn't have a say in the decision! Jethro just…just decided it all on his own!"

"_Why did he make that decision without asking you first Tony?"_

"Because I was asleep and he didn't want to wake me up."

"_And why do you think he didn't want to wake you up?"_

"Because…because he knows I haven't been sleeping, I think," Tony said softly, the bite gone from his voice.

"_So it wasn't because he's trying to control you? He wasn't trying to trick you?"_

"N-no," Tony said much softer, feeling a bit ashamed now. "No he was trying to help me."

"_Do you think it would have upset you to see all of the cars in Jethro's driveway unexpectedly?"_

If Tony were honest with himself he was sure it would have upset him. "I-I'm not sure," he said uneasily, hating himself for his weakness.

"_I think you are sure, but I'm not going to 'bully you' as you put it. But we do agree that Gibbs was only trying to help you, yes?"_

"Yes," Tony whispered. He closed his eyes and a tear dripped from his eyelashes. Gibbs tore his gaze away from Tony, not knowing what was being said, but realizing that Tony didn't need an audience. He reached into his glovebox and pulled out a woodworking magazine and began flipping through it.

"_When was the last time you ate anything?"_

"It was um…a while ago," Tony said noncommittally. That was not a conversation he wanted to have in front of Gibbs. He didn't want to admit to the older man that everything he'd eaten in the past week he'd thrown up while Gibbs hadn't been looking.

"_Nope, gotta do better than that," _Cheryl said firmly.

"I _don't_ want to talk about it," Tony said firmly in return.

"_Then why did you call me? You want to talk about the weather? The game on tv? If you didn't want to talk about whatever is bothering you then why did you call me?"_

Tony started to say something snarky, but caught himself. Cheryl was right, dammit. "Sorry," he said. "I um…I ate this morning."

"_Ok," _Cheryl said. _ "Did you throw it up?"_

How did she do that? Tony stared at the phone. "How did you—"

"_This is not my first rodeo Tony," _Cheryl said in that ever present, soothing voice of hers._ "OK so you threw it up."_

"Yes," Tony said.

"_And by your one word answers I am going to take a guess that Gibbs doesn't know that."_

"You're right," Tony said, unwilling to give Gibbs any ammunition to take to dinner with Ducky.

"_And you haven't talked to Gibbs about this?"_

"No," Tony said firmly. "Don't want to either."

"_Does he think you are eating?"_

"Yes. I _am_ eating."

"_But you're not gaining anything from it. Don't you think Gibbs would need to know something like that?"_

Tony didn't answer. Dammit she had him again.

"_Tony if you weren't in a relationship with him…if it was strictly a boss/subordinate relationship, would that be something Gibbs would need to know?"_

"Absolutely," Tony said without hesitation.

"_Then isn't it that much more important that you share with him as your partner and lover and not just as your coworker?"_

Tony was quiet for a long moment. He didn't want to admit to Gibbs that he hadn't been eating. He didn't want to admit that he might need help. He didn't want any medicines. He just wanted…

"Dammit," Tony said through a burst of exhaled air. Gibbs looked up sharply for a moment and then turned back to his magazine.

"_What is it Tony? Talk out what you're thinking."_

"I can't. Not here. Not like…not like this."

"_Because you don't want Gibbs to overhear our conversation and find out about you being sick that way?"_

"Yeah…deserves better than that," Tony said, hating himself a little bit.

"_Then why don't you just tell him?"_

"What, now?"

"_Now is as good a time as any."_

Damn the woman and her calm voice and her nonplussed behavior. Tony wanted someone who would spar with him, someone who would tell him he's right, someone who would let him just…just _be_ for a bit and try to figure things out.

"I think I hate you a little bit," Tony muttered.

To his surprise, Cheryl chuckled. _"Good, then that means I'm doing my job. No one said this would be easy."_

TBC…


	12. Teacups and Phone Calls

**Author's Note:** Sorry for the delay—my dog died and took my muse with him. Sad times. Hope you like the chapter—I'll try to be quicker with updates!  
><em>Thanks to my wonderful friend for being brave enough to share a true story with me so I could write this one for you.<em>

**No Chains Holding Me  
><strong>**Chapter 12: Teacups and Phone Calls**

_**Previously…**_

"_Then why don't you just tell him that you haven't been eating?"_

"What, now?"

"_Now is as good a time as any."_

"I think I hate you a little bit," Tony muttered.

Cheryl chuckled. _"Good, then that means I'm doing my job. No one said this would be easy."_

xxx

Tony and Cheryl talked for a few more minutes and Cheryl wrapped up the call once she felt Tony had worked up the nerve to talk to his partner.

"_Call me back if you need to Tony,"_ Cheryl said gently in his ear. _"If Jethro needs to call me he can as well."_

"Y-Yeah. Ok," Tony said softly. His stomach hurt just thinking about telling Gibbs that he'd not been really eating or drinking anything and he'd been throwing up everything that he had ingested. It was not going to be a fun conversation and suddenly Tony wished he had a way to escape if he needed to…he was going to be completely outnumbered—again—by Gibbs and Ducky.

Tony hung up the phone. Jethro set the magazine aside. "Everything ok?"

"Uh…yeah," Tony said quietly. He looked at his lap. "I um…before we go in…I need to talk to you."

Gibbs turned in his seat a bit. "Can I join you in the backseat?"

Tony blinked. "Um…uh yeah…that's ok…yeah…"

Gibbs nodded and got out of the car. Tony slid over to make room for him and Jethro joined him in the backseat.

"What's up," Gibbs asked softly.

"I'm sorry I got so angry," Tony said contritely.

"It's alright," Gibbs said. "I shouldn't have made those decisions without asking you first."

"I understand why you did it," Tony said. "But um…there's something else…and I should have told you before now…but I um…I guess I um…I guess I was scared to tell you."

Gibbs narrowed his eyes a bit and Tony misread it. "Don't get angry before I even tell you what it is!"

Gibbs blinked at Tony's suddenly sharp tone. "I'm not angry," he said gently. "I'm concerned."

"Sorry," Tony whispered. "I'm doing it again. I'm sorry."

Normally Gibbs would make a jab about it being a sign of weakness, but this time he didn't. "What is it babe," he whispered, touching Tony's hand.

He was surprised when Tony grabbed it and held it tightly. "I um…maybe haven't been entirely honest with you," he muttered. Gibbs raised an eyebrow but didn't comment. Tony took a deep breath. "Truth is…um…well everything that I've eaten since…since you know…um…well I've thrown it all back up…and everything I've drank too…and um…I maybe um…haven't actually eaten or drank as much as I may have let you think I have."

"I know," Gibbs said softly. He offered a sideways glance at Tony who looked surprised. "How much have you eaten?"

"No more than a bite or two of everything," Tony whispered. "And I always throw it back up."

Gibbs took a deep breath. "So basically you haven't eaten since…"

"Since before I went undercover." He paused. "I'm sorry," Tony whispered.

"You've been trying," Gibbs said softly. He slid an arm around Tony's shoulders and pulled him closer. Tony didn't tense up, didn't fight it. He knew he was safe there, in the backseat of the car, with Gibbs.

"I really have," Tony said, nodding. "I just…I don't want you to think…think that I don't want to get past this," he trailed off.

"I know you do," Gibbs said firmly, giving Tony's shoulders a squeeze. A finger under Tony's chin gently turned Tony's face so he could look Gibbs in the eye. "You are the bravest man I've ever met," Gibbs breathed softly. "You are amazing, and I am so proud of you."

Tony gasped softly and his lower lip trembled, but he held it all together. "Th-thanks," he whispered. "Thanks. We should uh…we should go see Ducky."

Gibbs looked at him for a long moment and then nodded. There would be time to continue this discussion later.

xxx

"Good evening my dear boys," Ducky greeted them warmly with open arms. He knew they'd been sitting in the driveway for a few minutes now, and he'd watched from an upstairs window as Jethro had gotten into the backseat with Tony. He was pleased to see that Tony looked a little less tense than he'd looked a couple of days earlier, and he was eager to hear about their first session with Cheryl.

"Hiya Duck," Gibbs said, stepping inside.

"Hey Ducky," Tony said softly, following close behind Gibbs.

"Come in, come in," Ducky bustled them through the foyer and into the large sitting room. Tony could hear Ducky's corgis barking, but they didn't come running, so he figured they must have been put in a room out of the way and out from underfoot.

Tony sat down in a chair near the wall and folded his hands nervously. He was concerned about having dinner at Ducky's house—concerned about not being able to eat, concerned about getting sick, concerned about having Ducky lecture him on the importance of eating. He watched as Ducky picked up a bottle of fine scotch and began pouring tumblers for them.

Ducky picked up a glass and offered it to Jethro who took it and raised his glass in tribute. Ducky held out a tumbler of scotch for Tony and the young man's eyes widened and he shook his head slightly.

"No…no I can't…I'm sorry…"

Ducky quickly withdrew the glass and set it on the table. "Forgive me Anthony…I wasn't thinking," he said gently. "Perhaps I could get you something else to sip on?"

Tony shook his head, his stomach feeling hot and acidy. He crossed his arms over his midsection and closed his eyes. "No thanks Ducky," he whispered.

"Would you perhaps prefer a cup of tea? I have some lovely Earl Gray that makes a wonderful brew if you would rather have that."

"Yeah maybe," Tony said, shooting a surreptitious glance in Gibbs' direction. His partner nodded and half-smiled, pleased that he was at least trying.

"Very well then," Ducky said. "I'll just go—"

"I'll do it—really I'll make it Ducky—I don't mind," Tony said, unable to keep the urgent insistence out of his voice.

Ducky glanced at Tony for a long moment. "Do you need help finding the kitchen?"

"No," he said quietly. "I remember where it is. I'll just be right back."

"You will find the tea in the cupboard next to the teacups," Ducky said as Tony left the room.

Tony wandered down the hall, not remembering exactly where the kitchen was, but having a general idea. He was grateful to have a few moments to himself and be given the opportunity to do for himself for a change. Jethro was really great, but sometimes his almost constant fussing over him was making Tony feel a bit smothered.

Tony filled the teapot and turned on the pilot light on the gas stove. He stood over the stove, feeling the heat increasing as the burner warmed, and finally turned and headed for the tea and teacup cabinet. He opened the door on the left and saw the box of tea bags. At the last moment he also pulled down the sugar bowl. He turned to the refrigerator and found a bottle of lemon juice. Returning to the counter, he reached for a teacup out of the cabinet. He'd just hooked his fingers around the handle of one and began pulling it down when a finger suddenly poked him hard on the shoulder blade.

"Who are you and why are you in my house? You look like some kind of gigolo! Get out of here!"

Before Tony realized he was doing it, he shrieked, dropped the cup and hit his knees. He didn't realize that the sugar bowl had been knocked over, nor did he realize that he'd just broken the cup when he dropped it. He leaned forward, face in his hands, and put his forehead on the floor. He could feel his feet hitting the cabinet behind him so he knew he was not in a vulnerable position…no one could…get to him…from the back…not at this angle.

A moment later he became aware of voices and gentle hands touching him. He was hyperventilating from the scare and his eyes were rolling around wildly, looking for threats, trying to identify who was behind the attack that had scared him so badly.

"…Easy…" a voice was saying softly. Tony squeezed his eyes shut. He didn't want to do this anymore. Didn't want to see, didn't want to think…just wanted to shut down and not deal.

"Mother it's alright I work with these two men," Ducky said, guiding his mother from the room. "You remember Agent Gibbs and Agent DiNozzo, don't you? They were here a short time ago and protected you when we were being threatened…You don't need to worry about them. Why don't you go to the library and tend to the corgis?"

Gibbs pulled Tony almost entirely into his lap. He sat on his rear with his back against a cabinet door handle and tucked Tony's head in close to the junction between his shoulder and his neck. "I gotcha Tony…I gotcha…you're ok I gotcha," he whispered repeatedly to the sobbing man in his lap.

Ducky reappeared at Gibbs' side after escorting his mother to another room. "I am so dreadfully sorry," he apologized profusely. He put a gentle hand on Tony's shoulder, only to have him flinch it away and Gibbs shook his head sadly at the old doctor.

"Not your fault," he whispered. He pressed his cheek to the top of Tony's head. "Not anyone's fault." Tony had his eyes squeezed tightly shut. "Tony? You with me?"

He was beginning to calm, the storm was beginning to subside. Ducky handed Gibbs a bottle of water. Gibbs showed it to Tony. "Got you some water," he said softly. "All sealed up, brand new. Want a sip?"

Tony was so dreadfully thirsty—had been for a while now, but he was still feeling so shaky and unnerved that he wasn't sure the muscles in his throat would swallow the drink, but he nodded anyway, desperate to try. Gibbs unscrewed the cap and helped Tony lift it to his mouth. He got it almost swallowed and then remembered what happened in the cabin. He coughed and sputtered, his throat closing up and he ended up drooling the water all over himself.

God. This was so _embarrassing_.

Tony turned his face away from the bottle and buried it in the side of Gibbs' neck. "I can't," he whispered. "I can't do it I can't swallow it."

"I have an idea Jethro," Ducky said. Gibbs looked up at him and Ducky sat the sugar bowl back upright. "Anthony I am going to make you something warm to drink alright? You can watch me make it to know that it is safe."

"N-no thanks," Tony said quietly. "I'll…I'll make it…if that's alright." He stayed securely tucked into Gibbs' lap for several more minutes before the two men slowly made their way back to their feet.

"Sorry," Tony whispered, watching in horror as Ducky swept the broken glass off the floor. Gibbs used a rag and wiped the spilled sugar into the sink.

"Nonsense dear boy," Ducky tutted gently. "I forgot to tell you that Mother was here and would likely wonder about visitors. I hadn't considered that she might startle you so badly. My apologies."

"I didn't mean to break it," Tony whispered, groaning as his eyes filled with tears again. "I'm so sorry; I'll…I'll buy you a new one," he said, desperation filling his tone.

Ducky finished cleaning up the glass and propped the broom against the counter. He approached Tony head on but did not touch him. "Would I ever lie to you Anthony?"

Tony stared at the old man for a long moment before dropping his gaze to his shoes. "No," he whispered. "No I don't think you would."

"You are exactly correct," Ducky said. "I would never lie to you. So I am being truthful with you when I tell you that the cup is not important—you are far more important than some silly teacup."

Tony was quiet for a long moment, considering what Ducky had told him, then he nodded. "Ok," he whispered.

The two older men watched silently as Tony meticulously washed a teacup out of the cupboard. He put fresh water in the tea kettle and turned it on the stove. He put a teabag into his cup and then turned to the sugar bowl. Gibbs' eyes widened as he counted the spoonfuls of sugar Tony put into his cup. Three. Five. Seven…the teacup was nearly half full of sugar.

"Tony," Gibbs said gently, softly.

Tony stopped and looked at Gibbs. "What?"

Gibbs smiled uneasily. "You gonna have some tea with your sugar?"

Tony looked down at his cup. "Oh," he said, "Right…I guess you're right." He looked at Ducky. "Sorry."

"There is plenty more sugar to refill the bowl dear boy."

Tony stared at the cup for a long moment. The tea kettle whistled and Tony reached for the lemon juice in the refrigerator. Ducky kept a cruet in his refrigerator with freshly squeezed lemon juice. Tony poured a healthy draught of lemon juice in on top of the sugar before adding just enough water to stir everything up in.

Gibbs couldn't believe his eyes. He'd seen Tony make tea several times for himself and he'd never put that much sugar in it, nor had he ever used lemon before, and he always drank it cold—never hot. Tony let the bag steep for a few minutes before pulling it out and throwing it away. He picked up the cup and everyone tried not to notice the way Tony's hands were shaking slightly. He got it almost to his mouth and then stopped.

"I can't do it," he whispered. "I can't drink it…I can't drink it like that…how am I supposed to do this?" There was a hint of anger in his tone, some desperation.

"Did they pour it in your mouth Tony?" Ducky's voice was soft, gentle.

Tony closed his eyes and nodded. A tear slid from beneath his closed lid.

Jethro opened the silverware drawer. "I got an idea," he said, pulling out a spoon. "What if you take it like soup? Use a spoon and see if that helps," he offered.

Tony looked up at Gibbs with something akin to hope in his eyes. "Worth a shot," he whispered.

He nearly screamed in relief when he swallowed a spoonful of tea…and didn't throw it back up. It wasn't much—was only a baby step…but it was a step.

xxx

Tony didn't drink a lot, but did manage some of the cup of tea. He didn't try to eat and when Ducky started to say something, Gibbs shook his head to stop him. Tony was trying, and he'd made a bit of progress. It was a start. Tony was so exhausted, by the time dinner was finished that he was nearly nodding off at the table. Ducky sent him to the couch with very specific orders to "rest his eyes" even if he did not sleep.

Tony moved to the living room where Ducky's big overstuffed couch was located, and turned on each lamp he passed along the way. He took off his shoes so he wouldn't get Ducky's furniture dirty and curled up on his side. He was tired, but it seemed he was unable to shut his eyes. He could hear Ducky's voice lilting through the house, but he couldn't make out the words.

He laid there, trying to think of nice things, how sweet the tea had tasted, how excited he was when he was able to swallow it down, how supportive Gibbs and Ducky were being, how amazing it was that Cheryl could get him talking so easily…but the dark feelings began to creep in and as he laid there he could feel the hairs on the back of his neck begin to stand up in fear. He didn't move, but wondered why he was suddenly so afraid. He quickly realized that it was because he was laying near the window…anything could happen…

xxx

Ducky and Gibbs sat at the table for a while after the meal was over just talking. Jethro quietly filled Ducky in on their meeting with Cheryl, telling him all about how easily she'd managed to get both of them talking. Ducky smiled knowingly. "She has quite a knack for that," he said with a nod.

There was a lull in their conversation and Gibbs blinked and then turned his head, listening carefully. Suddenly he shot from the chair and hurried to the room where Tony had gone to rest. Tony was sitting on the floor, knees tucked up to his chest, head buried against them, and he was sobbing.

"Hey," he said softly, sitting down next to him. "What's going on? You ok?"

"I'm just so scared," Tony whispered. "I can't even sit in front of a window without freaking out…I just…and I know they're both dead but…I…oh God," Tony looked up at Gibbs, tears on his face.

Ducky moved behind them, shutting the heavy drapes that covered the large windows. He sat down on the couch on Tony's other side. "My dear boy," he said softly. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

"I don't know," Tony said softly, his voice broken and ragged. "I just don't know…"

Gibbs gently wrapped an arm around Tony's shoulders and pulled him close, but Tony tensed. Gibbs moved his arm away. "Ok Tony," he said patiently. "I'm right beside you ok? I'll let you lead this…whatever you need from me. I'm right here."

Tony nodded and buried his face again. Jethro stayed right beside him and, aside from their upper arms touching, didn't try to force contact with him. Tony was still for a long time and the three men didn't say anything. Eventually Tony began leaning heavier on Gibbs' shoulder. His face was still buried against his knees, but it felt to Gibbs like Tony might be falling asleep. He glanced up at Ducky, who was noticing the relaxing lines in Tony's frame. Gibbs shifted slightly and Tony all but flopped over on him, sound asleep.

Gibbs smiled sadly at his lover and helped him shift a bit so that his head rested against Jethro's thigh. Ducky handed him a light blanket and they gently covered the young man up with it. Tony sighed once and settled fully against Gibbs.

"He's out like a light," Ducky said softly.

Gibbs nodded. "He's gotta be exhausted."

"When is the last time he's gotten a good night's rest?"

Gibbs was quiet for a long moment. "The night before he went undercover."

Ducky's eyes widened a bit. "And the last time he ate an actual meal?"

Gibbs sighed. "The night before he went undercover."

Ducky gasped softly. "Jethro…I don't need to explain to you the dire—"

"It isn't like he's not trying," Gibbs said firmly. "He's eating every day. He puts food into his mouth every single day…but he always throws it back up…he can't keep anything down. That's why he was so excited when he swallowed the tea tonight…he didn't think I knew…hadn't told me until just before we came in tonight…I knew Ducky," Gibbs' voice had gotten softer. "I know how hard he's trying…I know how hard this is for him…" he ran his fingers lightly through Tony's hair.

"You should call the others Jethro," Ducky prodded gently. "They're only going to persist as long as you put it off. They are worried. Tony is like their brother."

Gibbs sighed and nodded. He pulled out his phone and looked at it. Who to call first? Abby's number was first on the speed dial, so he figured he may as well go in order.

"_!" _Abby's voice charged through the phone.

Gibbs winced a bit. "Hey Abs," he said quietly.

"_Gibbs what is going on? You have been so secret-squirrel lately—what's going on? You're supposed to call me! It's been days Gibbs! DAYS. As in 24 hour lumps of time—in big lumps!"_

"Been a rough week Abby. Lots has happened."

He heard her moving around and imagined her plopping down gracefully into the large black velvet throne-like chair she kept in her living room. _"Tell Abby everything," _she said sagely.

"I can't," Gibbs said softly. "It isn't my story to tell."

There was a pause…a long pause before Abby spoke again. When she did her voice was much quieter and was tinged with worry and concern. _"Gibbs is Tony ok?"_

Gibbs took a deep breath and thought for a moment. He couldn't betray Tony's trust; he had to protect his partner above all else. However, Abby had asked a direct question—a yes or no question, and he felt like he could tell her that much.

"No," he said softly. "No he isn't."

"_What happened Gibbs? What happened on that mission? What'd he do? What'd they do to him? Did they hurt him? Is he going to die? Why won't you let us see him?"_

Gibbs listened to Abby until she finished her ranting questions. "I can't tell you what they did to him. You need to respect Tony's wishes when I tell you that he doesn't want you to know. Any of you. His life is not in danger that we know of," Gibbs continued, thinking of the blood test they needed to go have done the next day to test for STDs again. "I am respecting Tony's wishes by asking you all to give him some space. He has asked for some room to breathe until he gets everything worked out."

"_What is there to work out? What happened to him? What do you mean his life isn't in danger that we know of? Either it is or it isn't! How do you not know? If Tony needs space so badly why haven't you come back to work? The director isn't talking, neither is Ducky. We know they must know what's going on because they always do, but why won't you tell us?"_

"It's private, Abby. _Private_. Do you know what that word means? It means he doesn't want everyone at NCIS to know what's going on."

"_But the three of us are not all of NCIS,"_ Abby said softly, sounding like she might cry. _"We're his friends."_ Her voice was very small.

"If you are such great friends to him then please respect his wishes and let him have the space he needs. He knows you are concerned about him, and he knows that you want to see him. Believe me, he knows. And as soon as he decides he can handle it, then we'll make it happen. Until then, he needs some room. It's important that he gets what he needs if he wants to come back to work eventually."

"_You mean he might not be able to come back to work? Gibbs!"_

"Abby," his voice was firm, and just slightly harsh. "This is not about you. It is not about Kate or McGee or making any of you feel better. It's not about what I want or about what Ducky wants or the Director. It's about Tony. Tony is calling the shots here—he is making the decisions about what he needs. And he's making those decisions based on what he feels is best for him. And right now he feels like he needs space more than anything. Can you understand that? Can Tony trust you to stay away until he's ready?"

There was a long pause. Gibbs' eyes narrowed.

Abby finally spoke. _"Yes Gibbs," _her voice was cracking, and he knew she was crying. _"Yes he can trust me."_

"Alright. Now I'm going to call Kate and McGee. You do not call them ahead of me. Do you understand?"

"_But—"_

"Abby if I find out that any of you are disregarding what Tony needs right now then I promise you that each one of you will be finding new teams—_if_ the director lets you keep your job. The director knows about Tony's situation and he knows what is going on. I will talk to the others. That's my job. Not yours."

"_Ok,"_ she said softly.

A few moments later Gibbs hung up the phone and ran a hand over his face. He felt like he was being mean to Abby and he hated that, but this time Tony had to come first. He looked up at Ducky who nodded encouragingly and handed him a glass of scotch that he'd poured.

Two shots of scotch later, Gibbs had finished his phone calls to the team. Kate and Tim were feeling sad and rejected, much like Abby was, but they were understanding of Tony's need for privacy. They understood that sometimes a case could affect you in ways that were unexpected, and though they didn't know the details, they did understand that on some level. They willingly agreed to give Tony the space he needed, but both asked to be kept in the loop about how he was doing—not details on specifics, but wanted to know if Tony got suddenly worse, and they were eager to hear when Tony and Gibbs would be returning to work. Neither questioned it or thought it strange that Gibbs decided to be off as long as Tony needed him.

Gibbs hung up the phone with McGee and let out a long breath. "They were ok," he said and Ducky nodded. "They're not happy with being left out of the loop, but Kate and Tim get it. Kate especially, didn't ask a lot of questions about what happened…she wants to be told if there's anything she can do, if Tony needs any help to let her know, that sort of thing."

"The way a partner should act," Ducky said with a knowing smile. Gibbs nodded.

They sat in silence after that…neither one moving for a long while and Tony remained where he was with his head on Gibbs' leg. Ducky's mother hadn't come back out since Tony had gotten so upset and the dogs were quiet. The only sounds in Ducky's living room were the ticking of the grandfather clock in the hallway and the quiet patter of rain outside.

Gibbs nearly jumped out of his skin when Tony suddenly sat up, eyes wide, breathing fast. He looked around for a moment, as though trying to figure out where he was, and then relaxed when he saw Ducky. He'd been dozing for some time…not really asleep, but not entirely awake, mostly relaxed, listening to every word that Gibbs said first to Ducky, and then to Abby, Kate and Tim.

"You alright?" Gibbs' voice was soft.

Tony looked at him for a long time before answering. He had so many things he wanted to say to Gibbs…how much he loved him, how grateful he was that Gibbs was sticking by him and helping him, how he didn't think he'd be able to do any of this if Gibbs didn't have his six, how much he appreciated Gibbs dealing with their friends so he didn't have to face them yet…but none of those things came out of his mouth. The only thing he softly said was "Yeah."

Gibbs smiled and nodded, realizing there were things not being said, and hoping that later Tony would talk to him more. He vowed he would follow Tony's lead and not push…unless it was what Tony needed. Then he'd face his lover's wrath and suffer the consequences.

Tony ran a hand over his face. "Can um…" he blushed slightly and looked at his lap. "Can we go home now?" He wouldn't look at Gibbs or Ducky.

"Sure Tony, whenever you're ready," Gibbs said with a nod.

"Of course my dear," Ducky said. "I'm sure you are exhausted. You took quite a long nap here though. Are you feeling any better?"

He felt like shit. "I feel ok, Ducky," he said instead.

Gibbs didn't believe _that_ for a second but he didn't call Tony on it. He slowly climbed to his feet, stiff from sitting on the floor for so long. He held out a hand to help Tony up. His back was still aching and giving him trouble…Gibbs was wondering if he'd strained something or done more severe damage than they'd first thought.

Ducky walked to the door with them and bid them goodnight.

"Sorry for the last minute Duck," Gibbs said.

"Not at all Jethro. I'm glad I could assist."

"Thanks Ducky," Tony said. "Sorry about your teacup."

"Anthony quit worrying about the teacup. Your wellbeing is far more important. Do remember that."

Tony nodded and got in the car's back seat. Gibbs watched him for a moment, then got in the front. Ducky stood in the doorway for a long time, enjoying the smell of the rain, and watching the two taillights on the navy blue sedan get smaller and smaller, until they disappeared into the dark, rainy night.

TBC…


	13. Because I'm Scared

****_Thanks to my wonderful friend for all your help. :)  
><em>**Author's Note: **Some spoilers for the Season 8 episode, "Baltimore." Be advised!

**No Chains Holding Me  
><strong>**Chapter 13: Because I'm Scared**

By the time Tony and Gibbs returned home, Tony was so tired he could barely put one foot in front of the other. The stress of the past few days was really beginning to wear on him. Gibbs watched as he wobbled slightly getting out of the car. Tony seemed unsettled, the calm peacefulness from earlier was gone, and in its place was a slightly shaky, desperate looking man, who seemed on the verge of breaking down. Given everything that had happened…Gibbs wouldn't be surprised if it happened.

The older man didn't touch his lover, but stayed close in case the slightly swaying man suddenly needed the extra support. They made their way slowly up the walk, and into the house. Tony watched as Gibbs locked the door up tight and then turned to face him. Tony offered a small smile, but his exhaustion was evident in his face. He was just so…damn…tired. Gibbs held out his hand.

"Come on…got something to show you," Gibbs said. He'd meant to do this several days ago, but in the confusion, had forgotten.

Tony raised an eyebrow in curiosity and nodded, accepting Gibbs' hand. He was led up the stairs and was surprised when Gibbs headed for the master bathroom. Tony had pretty much been avoiding beds and showers…he seemed to lose himself the most when he was there…and that scared him. So he didn't sleep—or he napped on the couch sitting up with the lights on—and he took sponge baths in the bathroom with the door open.

Tony's eyes widened in surprise when he saw the large brown wicker basket sitting on the closed toilet seat. He looked at Jethro curiously, and his lover smiled uncomfortably. The basket was filled with body wash, shampoo, face soap, lotion, a new loofah, a sponge, a backbrush, a set of slightly scratchy washcloths (the kind Tony loved), a couple of new hand towels and a set of bath towels. The entire basket was wrapped in plastic and tied tightly shut with a bright green ribbon.

"I um…well the other day I noticed that you were almost out of all of your favorite soap," Gibbs said uncomfortably, rubbing the back of his neck with one hand.

"Yeah, I um…I've been using a lot…recently," Tony said softly, his eyes still on the basket. "This…this was expensive," he said, gesturing with a hand towards the basket.

Gibbs shook his head. "It was worth every dime I spent if it makes you comfortable."

Tony looked from the basket to the shower…and noticed that the shower curtain—formerly plain white cloth with a white plastic liner was gone, and in its place was a clear plastic liner—but patterned so that you couldn't distinctly see in.

"You…you did all of this…for me?"

Gibbs looked pointedly. "All of this…is not that much. I want you to be comfortable. I want you to feel good. And I will spend every penny I have to make sure that you are healthy, comfortable, and happy. I don't…I don't know what it's like…going through what you're going through, but…I want to make it easier for you…if I can…"

They weren't really the "I love you" types so much…they said it once in a while…Tony usually more than Gibbs…but where Gibbs didn't say the words too often, he had the ability to show it…and he showed it frequently—in little ways. Like making sure his lover could take a hot shower and feel safe and pampered while he did it.

Tony smiled at the basket again, and suddenly didn't quite feel so tired. "I think I'm going to take a shower, Jet," he said softly.

"Take your time," Gibbs said. "If you need me, you call me. Got it?"

"Yeah," Tony said softly.

Gibbs kissed him softly on the cheek and then left him to it. He pulled the door shut a bit—enough to keep some of the steam in the room—but not enough to latch the door.

Tony started off by brushing his teeth. He used lots of toothpaste, lots of mouthwash, lots of floss, and repeated the process a couple of times. When his teeth squeaked under his tongue, he turned off the water and smiled at himself. He turned on the water—pretty hot, but not scalding and let it run for a moment while he unwrapped his basket, got a new towel, new washcloth, and new bottle of soap, facewash, and shampoo out.

He stripped down and started to look at himself in the mirror, but stopped. He just…he didn't want to see…he couldn't look at himself. He was afraid of the image that might be staring back at him. Did he look different? Did he look damaged?

Shaking off those disturbing thoughts, he shook his head, and climbed into the shower. He took a deep breath, and let it out slowly, and just…relaxed. He smiled as he felt the warm water washing over him. He didn't feel the need to scrub so badly tonight…wash yes…but the urge to scrub…that inky blackness was not present tonight. He stepped a little further under the spray.

xxx

Downstairs, Gibbs kept one ear open as he made a pot of coffee. He wondered about making something for Tony and decided he'd put on a pot of water to heat for tea. Tea seemed to be one of the few things Tony was having success both swallowing and keeping down. He was so proud of Tony; he knew how hard the past few days had been, and he knew that tomorrow's blood test would be another step in the direction towards healing (he hoped)…and he was just so impressed by his partner's bravery.

Tomorrow promised to be busy, and Gibbs really hoped that Tony would at least find peace for a little while tonight. Perhaps the shower would help. Tomorrow Tony had an appointment with the pathology department at Bethesda for his second round of STD screenings. They hadn't really discussed it, but Gibbs knew that he was expected to go with Tony (he wouldn't miss it) and he knew without anyone saying anything that Tony was feeling more than a little apprehensive about going.

For Gibbs though, the worst part was not the fact that Tony had to be tested so frequently. For Gibbs, the worst part was not knowing—not knowing if his partner was sick, not knowing if his body was turning on him. Gibbs was not concerned for his own safety, and a tiny part of his brain—the illogical part—thought that even if Tony came back as—God forbid—HIV positive, Gibbs would still want to make love to him. Tony was his partner, his life partner. They hadn't made a public commitment to one another, hadn't had a ceremony, didn't have rings, and were not planning on exchanging vows anytime soon, but neither of them had any plans to go anywhere either. As far as the older man was concerned, he was in this relationship for the long haul, and would stay with Tony and stand by him, no matter what arose, for as long as he was able to do so.

He wondered at his own logic. If Tony's tests came back positive for HIV or any other STDs, and Gibbs decided to not change their sexual habits any…he was potentially (and almost certainly) putting himself in harm's way. Was that sane? Was he so afraid of losing another partner that he would put his own health at risk in order to stay together? Gibbs thought about these things as he poured himself a cup of coffee. Maybe he'd ask Cheryl about it when he had his session with her in a few days.

He also wondered at the fact that he already trusted Cheryl so implicitly. If he were being honest with himself, he'd trusted her since the instant he'd first laid eyes on her. There was something about her that was so genuine, so honest, so pure, so good…he couldn't help but want her advice, and he felt like a school boy trying to seek approval.

As more questions rose in his head, Gibbs made a choice that surprised him. He picked up the phone and pulled out her business card with her phone number on it and began to dial.

xxx

Cheryl had just climbed into bed. She was wearing her favorite pajama pants, a long sleeve t-shirt, and her fuzzy socks. Despite it being December and freezing outside, Cheryl always slept with her box fan on. She kept it propped against the wall in her bedroom. She got hot when she slept and found that she liked the sensation of moving air surrounding her as she rested. Plus the noise was nice for blocking out the sounds of the city.

She had a new mystery novel by her favorite author sitting on her bedside table, just ready for the devouring, and she turned on the lamp and picked up the book…and the phone rang. Of course. It never failed. Cheryl sighed and reached for her phone. There were only a few people who had explicit permission to call her any hour of the day, and it made her heart tight to think about who might be on the phone.

Her eyes widened when she looked at the caller ID and she wondered if Tony was using Gibbs' phone again. She flipped her cell open and pressed the button to answer.

"Cheryl Hodges," she said into the phone.

"_It's Gibbs."_

"Good evening Gibbs," Cheryl said into the phone. She put her pillows behind her back and sat up in bed. "What can I do for you?"

"_You can help me work out this mess in my head,"_ Gibbs bit out bluntly.

Cheryl smiled, and was glad he couldn't see it. "What's going on?"

"_Well…I just…I'm uh…"_ Cheryl's smile faded a bit as she heard the murmured curse on the other end of the line.

"Hey. Take a deep breath, and quit worrying about not sounding strong, or not being intelligent, and just talk to me."

"_Tony's in the shower, so I only have a few minutes…but um…I've been doing some thinking. And I don't know what to do with the thoughts I'm having. I don't know if they even make sense or not."_ Christ he was babbling.

"_Tony's having bloodwork done tomorrow."_

"For his STD screening?"

"_Yeah."_

"Ok…has he done this before?"

"_They did one when he was in the hospital. This is the first one he's had since he got out."_

"Ok. Is he nervous? Upset?"

"_Not that he's mentioned, but I think he is a little apprehensive. He also hates needles which could be playing a role in it…I'm uh…not calling about Tony though…he actually seems ok."_

"Lay it on me, Big Guy. I wanna hear what's in that head of yours."

Gibbs blinked at her bluntness. She was so unlike any shrink-doctor-nurse-medical professional he'd ever met… _"I um…" he let out a long breath. "It's stupid."_

"HEY. Wrong answer. Try again."

Across town from Cheryl's home, Jethro actually removed the phone from his ear and stared at it for a long moment, eyes wide with disbelief. Then he put the phone back to his ear.

"I guess before I can explain any of this and have it make any sense…you need to have some background information on me," Gibbs said softly, uncomfortably.

"_You are welcome to share whatever makes you feel comfortable,"_ Cheryl encouraged him gently.

"I was married…a long time ago," Jethro said. "My first wife."

"_How many wives ago was that?"_

"Too many and I don't wanna talk about them. Only about Shannon."

"_Ok,"_ Cheryl agreed easily. _"Tell me about Shannon."_

"She was…she was perfect…flawed…beautiful…the other half of me," Gibbs said softly. "She understood me like no one else has…no one except…"

"_Except Tony,"_ Cheryl said softly.

"Except Tony," Gibbs echoed softly. "She…she died…was murdered."

"_That must have been very hard for you."_

"I nearly killed myself…tried like hell to drink it all away…didn't work. Several dozen hangovers later, I realized I was going about it all wrong and I either needed to find a reason to get up every morning, or I needed to get the job done right."

"_Well you obviously didn't kill yourself," _Cheryl said softly.

"Nope," Gibbs said. "I joined NCIS…NIS at the time…and I began my training as an investigator. I moved up through the ranks, just like I did in the Marines…and one day I found myself team leader of the Major Case Response Team…and I found myself getting divorced for the third time. It was then…everything changed."

"_How did everything change?"_

"While I was in the middle of my last divorce, I was working undercover on a case and followed a lead up into Baltimore. Had to get myself established in the criminal community up there…so I had to get arrested…I made the detective chase me down…took him a couple of city blocks to catch me, and the minute he tackled me and rolled me over…" Gibbs stopped. "God I sound like such an idiot," he moaned, rubbing his forehead.

"_NO. You don't! Keep talking; you're doing great,"_ Cheryl said. She knew this was a rare privilege…she was willing to bet that not many people had heard some of this information. _ "Was it Tony? Was he the detective?"_

"Yes," Gibbs whispered. "And the minute I looked at him, I saw Shannon. He doesn't look a thing like her…but I saw…I saw everything. Right then. And then he smiled…and I knew I had to get to know this man."

Unbeknownst to Gibbs, Tony had gotten out of the shower a few minutes earlier. He'd slipped on some sweats and some socks and was heading downstairs to find Jethro and heard him talking in the kitchen. It didn't take him long to figure out that Jethro was on the phone with Cheryl. Tony told himself that he shouldn't listen. He should go to the living room, go back upstairs, back up and come in and make more noise—something! But instead, he sat down on the floor, his back against the wall, and he just listened to his partner talk. Gibbs was talking about him, and Tony wanted to know what he had to say.

"We finished the case…he helped me, I helped him…turned out his partner was a dirty cop," Gibbs said. "It was dangerous for him in Baltimore…there was no one looking out for him. So I offered him a job. I was in the process of building my team and I needed an agent who had a decent head on his shoulders. And I told myself I could be good for him. I could keep an eye on him and watch his six and help him grow into a really fine agent."

"_And you have done that,"_ Cheryl said gently.

"Mostly," Gibbs said. "I've done most of it…I didn't do a very good job of watching Tony's six on this last case."

"_Gibbs you can't blame yourself for what happened to Tony."_

"I know…and I'm working on that…I guess the big thing I'm dealing with is…I'm as happy with Tony as I was with Shannon. I'm that content…I'm settled…it works."

"_Ok…"_

"And when those…those bastards hurt my Tony…they tried to break him…they tried to ruin him and they told him that I'd never love him again…" Gibbs felt his voice catch in his throat and took a moment to compose himself. He pressed his thumb and first finger into his closed eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. "And it was all lies—what they told him. It was all untrue. I do still love him. I'll always love him—no matter what."

"_Of course you will! No one doubts that."_

"But it…they hurt him…it hurt me…that they hurt him. Hurts as bad as when Shannon died." He ran a hand over his face and took a moment to compose himself. Cheryl was silent on the other end of the line. "So…now that you know the story," Gibbs finally said, "The reason I called…it's because tomorrow is his first STD screening since he was released. And…I've been thinking."

"_How do you feel about the screening tomorrow?"_

"Well…here's where I'm at. As far as I'm concerned…nothing's changed as far as my relationship with Tony goes. I still love him, still find him sexy, still think he's the most beautiful person on the planet…and I still want to make love to him."

"_You haven't tried have you?"_

"Oh God no; he isn't ready for that at all! But I still have…urges," Gibbs said, somewhat uncomfortably.

"_Most humans do,"_ Cheryl said gently.

"And tomorrow we might find out that Tony's got a chronic illness…or…or HIV…" Gibbs shuddered.

"_And what will that change?"_

"What will it change? Nothing as far as I'm concerned. I'll still love him just as much…and even if…even if he's sick…even if it's something he'll never get rid of…I'd still make love to him. I can't let them beat him…I can't let them keep him down. I love him so much…and even if it meant giving up my own health and risking my own safety…I'll do whatever it takes to show him how much I love him."

There was a long pause and Gibbs ran a hand over his forehead and took a sip of coffee. It was then he realized the shower was not running. Shit. He wondered if Tony'd overheard any of that.

"Does that make me crazy," Gibbs asked softly. "Knowing that Tony could be sick…and it not changing anything? Having no personal regard for my own health and well-being? That's kinda crazy isn't it?"

"_No,"_ Cheryl said softly. _"That's love. Have you talked to Tony about any of this?"_

"Not yet," Gibbs said softly. "Don't really know how to bring it up. It's one of those things, ya know?" Christ he felt like he needed a drink.

"_I think tonight or tomorrow before you go to the appointment that you should talk about this. I think having that reassurance and hearing those words from you would do wonders for Tony. And I think it would be really good for you as well."_

"He's worried that I'm going to leave," Gibbs said softly. "He's mentioned it a couple of times…those bastards…they told him…that no one would ever love him again…that he was ruined…he's really struggling to not believe what they said."

"_People who experience that sort of trauma often do have a difficult time with that,"_ Cheryl said. _"And even if, in the long term, they do not believe it, it is common for them to be insecure about that. Especially so soon after an attack of this nature. One thing I would like for you to keep in mind, is that even though you were not physically assaulted, and you were not physically harmed by Tony's attackers, what you said is true. When they hurt Tony it did hurt you. You have been affected by this too—perhaps just as strongly, but in other ways."_

"How do you mean?"

"_I bet you've barely let him out of your sight,"_ Cheryl said gently. _"And I bet that it's not entirely because Tony is so apprehensive about it."_

"If he's with me, then I know he's safe," Gibbs reasoned.

"_Gibbs you're federal agents. You have to go through some pretty extensive training, don't you?"_

"Yes, but—"

"_And Tony had to go through all the same training that you've done, right?"_

"Well yes, but—"

"_And he's your Second In Command—he is obviously good at his job?"_

"Of course he is—"

"_And you don't think he's weak after what he's been through?"_

"No! He's one of the strongest people I know—probably _is_ the strongest person I know—"

"_Then why haven't you let him out of your sight?"_

"BECAUSE I'M SCARED!" Gibbs roared. He stopped, processing what he'd just admitted. Across town, Cheryl smiled. Bingo. "I'm scared," Gibbs said again, much quieter. "I lost Shannon. I wasn't here when she was murdered. I was on deployment in Kuwait. She died alone because I was gone. And then…and now Tony…he was attacked…he was raped…he was alone because he was undercover and I. lost. him. Me. My fault. I can't lose him like I lost Shannon," Gibbs whispered. "I can't do that twice."

In the hall, Tony was sitting with his knees tucked up to his chest, his back pressed against the wall. He stayed quiet, not wanting Gibbs to know that he was listening, but he was completely overwhelmed by what Gibbs said to Cheryl. Tears streamed down his face and he put a hand over his mouth to silence his sobs.

It was difficult for Tony to wrap his brain around the enormity of Gibbs' love for him. This love that was so strong…that was so big that it was truly all encompassing…Gibbs would stand by him when he was scared, hurting, damaged, broken…and Gibbs would put himself on the line to take care of Tony's needs. Tony felt physically ill at the thought that he might make his partner sick or ill or hurt him in some way. He quietly decided that no matter how hard Gibbs tried…no matter how much the older man begged, pleaded, argued, or yelled, Tony would not relent…if he was sick…if those bastards had given him something…they would not make love. Tony would not risk Gibbs getting sick because of him. He wouldn't be able to live with himself if that happened. He would protect Gibbs because he loved him. Just knowing that the older man would even _want _to do that was enough for Tony.

He would not let Gibbs be hurt because of him. Even if it meant he had to leave.

Cheryl was quiet on the phone for a few moments, letting Gibbs' words sink in, and letting him regain control of his ragged, spent emotions. Finally she spoke. _"I would be worried if you weren't scared, Gibbs,"_ she said very softly. _"But now you've identified what's going on. And now we can work on that."_

Gibbs and Cheryl talked a few minutes more. They discussed the immediate future and how Gibbs should approach this discussion with Tony. They agreed that he needed to know how Gibbs was feeling. And they agreed that one of Gibbs' new goals for his therapy time, would be working through that fear of losing Tony, and working through the grief of losing Shannon.

Finally Cheryl bid him goodnight and Gibbs thanked her for letting him call and get that off his chest. He felt better than he'd felt since this whole mess started, and he wondered if this was not unlike the way Tony felt after he'd unloaded some of his emotions onto her. Gibbs had to give Ducky credit—Cheryl was not your typical head shrinker…and she was perfect for dealing with two stubborn asses like Tony and Gibbs.

Gibbs closed his cell phone and squeezed it in his hand for a moment, trying to decide how to proceed from here, when he heard the sound. It sounded like…

Gibbs rushed out of the kitchen and looked around. His eyes widened when he saw Tony, sitting on the floor, knees drawn up close to his chest, face turned low.

"Tony?" Ohhhh shitohshitohshitohshitohshit…Gibbs dropped to his knees in front of his partner. "Babe? You ok?" What had Tony heard?

He reached out and touched Tony's shoulder and frowned sadly when Tony flinched away. "No," Tony whispered.

Gibbs was not giving up. He needed Tony to hear him. "Tony. Honey listen to me. You with me?"

Tony raised his gaze. He looked shocked, horror stricken, absolutely dumbfounded. Oh God it was worse than Gibbs thought. "Did you mean it?" Tony asked softly.

"Did I mean what?"

"Did you mean what you said," Tony said. "About me. About Shannon."

"Yes Tony. I meant it. Every word of it. How much did you hear?"

"I heard most of it…and we…I can't do this."

"You can't do what?"

"I can't make you sick," Tony whispered.

Gibbs shook his head. "You aren't going to make me sick Tony." He gently held Tony's hand, refusing to let go when Tony tried to pull away. "I need you to listen to me. Will you listen? Please?"

Tony raised his gaze and stared at Jethro. "Will you let go of my hand. I won't…I won't run away. I'll listen to you," Tony said. "After that…will you let me leave?"

"If you really want to leave, then yes, after we talk I won't try to stop you," Gibbs said. He didn't like it, but he had to respect Tony and Tony's situation.

Tony nodded. He tried to pull his hand away again, but Gibbs still wouldn't let him.

"I called Cheryl. That's who I was on the phone with," Gibbs said softly. "I was…am…feeling nervous. About tomorrow."

"Why?" Tony asked quietly.

"Because I'm worried about you," Gibbs said. "I'm worried those assholes gave you something…made you sick."

"If they did…I'll just have to deal with it," Tony said, his voice sounding resigned.

"No Tony. If they gave you something, _we_ will deal with it. Together."

"I heard what you said," Tony mumbled. "Oh God help me," he whispered. Suddenly he was pushing himself to his feet. He stumbled down the hall to the bathroom, shaking Gibbs off when he tried to touch him. Gibbs followed him into the bathroom, and set about wetting a washcloth when Tony began to throw up the meager contents of his stomach. It wasn't long before he was done, and was leaning forward, forehead pressed into his arm, breathing hard, sweat and tears dripping off of his face.

Gibbs gently helped him sit up and wiped his face for him. He set the wash cloth aside and pressed a gentle kiss to Tony's forehead.

"Heard what you said," Tony mumbled. If he was tired before, he was truly exhausted now, and could barely slur out the words. "Heard…you say you'd…if I was sick…you'd still wanna…" he took a shuddering breath. "You can't do that," he said firmly, blinking his eyes and staring at Gibbs as firmly as he could manage. "You have to…have to promise me…promise you'll not…you can't…"

"You're not making a lot of sense Tony," Gibbs said gently. He helped Tony to his feet and they slowly made their way to the living room, Tony leaning hard on Gibbs. They sat down on the couch and Tony flopped over onto his side, his head on Gibbs' thigh. He was very nearly asleep.

"You can't make yourself sick for me," Tony whispered. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes…and was sound asleep.

Gibbs pulled a throw down over Tony and watched him sleep for a long time. He ran his fingers through Tony's hair, shushed him gently when he stirred. He sat there for most of the night, holding Tony's hand, smoothing the blanket, napping occasionally, thinking about everything that had happened, wondering what would they would be forced to face in the future.

He watched as the light behind the windows grew brighter, and blinked bleary eyes as the sun began to rise in the east. God he needed coffee. He smiled down at Tony…the younger man hadn't moved much during the night. The shower had relaxed him, and the expression of emotions had worn him out—and he was worn out to start with. Gibbs was pleased that Tony had slept for as long as he had. Perhaps he'd feel better when he woke up. He laid his head back on the cushion and closed his eyes.

Tony blinked and opened his eyes, surprised to see that it was morning. It was still early but…had he slept the whole night? This would definitely be something to write down in the sleep and food journal that he was keeping for Cheryl. She'd be proud of him.

He shifted to his back and smiled when he saw Gibbs. His lover was sleeping, head back, mouth open, eyes closed…the hand that had been on Tony's arm was now on his stomach. When Tony moved to sit up, Gibbs suddenly tightened his grip on Tony and moved his head. Tony smiled, feeling very protected here with his partner.

He decided to stay still, knowing that if he moved it would wake Gibbs up. Gibbs needed the sleep as much as Tony did. In the nights since he'd come home from the hospital, sleep had been elusive…he'd spent long hours pacing the floor, wandering through the house, being nervous and feeling scared, and Gibbs had stayed with him through all of it. Some nights Tony would lay down in bed, knowing Gibbs would come and lay on top of the covers next to his covered body…and as soon as he'd fall asleep then Tony would be up, prowling through the house, trying to make sense of the hell his world had become. It was not uncommon for Gibbs to wake up after only a short time, realize that Tony was awake, and join him.

Some nights they watched television. Some nights they played poker with nickels. Some nights they worked on the boat in the basement. Some nights they merely sat and enjoyed as much closeness as Tony could stand. And some nights they ended up napping together—leaning against a wall, sleeping on the couch, propped against the boat.

But the strain was beginning to wear on them. They were both exhausted. Their emotions were high, and their tolerance for bullshit was low. Gibbs had made a girl in the drive-thru line cry the other day when he'd gone to get them something to eat…something Tony had only managed to eat a bite or so of…and later had thrown back up.

Here in the early morning light though, things were peaceful and Gibbs was getting some good restful sleep. Tony would stay still and not disturb him. He was comfortable and wasn't feeling scared or threatened. The monsters in his mind couldn't touch him here. He thought about what Gibbs had said to Cheryl on the phone the night before. Tony had never had anyone who loved him like Gibbs. No one. His own _parents_ didn't love him like that. Hell, knowing Tony's father, if the man even bothered to answer the phone, he'd likely accuse Tony of living irresponsibly and earning what he'd gotten.

Tony tried to understand what it was that he'd done to earn Gibbs' love that seemed so constant, so unconditional. He didn't know if he could return a love like that. And he worried that he wouldn't be enough for Gibbs. The man deserved the universe to be delivered to him on a silver platter…Tony wasn't sure he was the person who could deliver that. He loved Gibbs—as best as he could, as well as he could, as much as he knew how…and all he could do was hope that it was enough.

Gibbs had said that he was willing to sacrifice himself…he was willing to sacrifice his own safety and his own health to be with Tony and to make sure Tony knew how much he was loved, and how attractive Gibbs thought he was. Last night that thought had been completely overwhelming…it had been scary to contemplate a love like that. But now…in this new morning light, backed by a good night's sleep, it made Tony feel warm.

In the early morning light, Tony smiled and closed his eyes again, drifting off to sleep. Tony made a silent vow just before he dropped off though. He vowed that he would not be sick. And he vowed that if those two men had given him something, that he would beat it. He would not quit without a fight.

He would not leave Gibbs alone. He'd stay. He'd always stay.

TBC…


	14. Tested

_Thanks to my friend for your bravery in helping me with this story. You're awesome!_

**No Chains Holding Me  
><strong>**Chapter 14: Tested**

The sun was higher in the sky when Gibbs opened his eyes. He blinked and ran a hand over his face trying to figure out what woke him up. Yawning, he glanced at his lap and smiled when he saw that Tony was asleep. He ran a gentle hand over his partner's forehead, and stopped. The smile dropped from his face as he laid his hand lightly across Tony's forehead, and then pressed the backs of his fingers to Tony's cheek.

Gibbs gave Tony's shoulder a gentle shake. "Tony? Tony wake up," he said softly.

"Mmmh…huh?" Tony slowly blinked his eyes open. They were burning and he felt like he'd only just closed them. "'S'wrong?" he shut his eyes again.

"You feel like you're running a fever," Gibbs said, shifting a bit.

Tony slowly sat up and groaned. "Feel like I been hit by a truck," he said softly. "What time is it?" He put his head in his hands.

"Nearly eight," Gibbs said, looking at the clock. "We need to get moving. Your appointment is at 9:30."

Gibbs stood up and hissed as circulation returned to his leg. Hours of having Tony lie on it had left it tingly and numb and now that the blood flow was no longer restricted, it was all he could do to put weight on it. He chuckled as the tingling felt like a thousand tiny fingers tickling the bottom of his foot.

Tony watched him curiously. "Foot asleep?"

"Yeah," Gibbs said, trying to shake his leg awake. "You hungry?"

Tony shook his head. "No," he whispered. He laid back down on the couch. "Feel like hell. Weird though."

"What's that?"

"Woke up a while ago and felt great," Tony said quietly.

Gibbs felt Tony's forehead again. "Anything hurt?"

"Everything hurts," Tony said with a nod. "Joints ache, muscles are burning…feel like I went a hundred rounds with something big and burly from the gym down the street." Tony shuddered at the thought.

Gibbs narrowed his eyes just a bit. "I'm going to give Ducky a call, and make some coffee," he said. "You want anything?"

Tony shook his head. "Just to lay here a few minutes," He said.

Gibbs kissed his temple and pulled the blanket over Tony's shoulder. "I'll come get you in a bit. Just relax ok?"

Tony's eyes were already shut though, and he looked like he might have fallen asleep. Gibbs watched him for a minute before heading to the kitchen.

While the coffee was brewing, Gibbs drank the cold coffee in his cup from the night before and dialed Ducky's number. He knew the older man would be up and likely on his way to NCIS.

"Good morning Jethro," Ducky said cheerfully. "To what do I owe this pleasure this morning?"

"Something is wrong with Tony," Gibbs said softly. His gut was churning. He didn't like this.

"What seems to be the problem?"

"He's running a fever…doesn't seem like it's a really high one…but he says he hurts all over—his joints are aching, his muscles are burning…says he feels like he's got the flu." Gibbs poured himself a cup of coffee out of the pot.

"Well Jethro it is December…that is certainly not out of the realm of possibility."

Gibbs took a long sip of his fresh coffee. "I know," he said softly. "I just can't help but think maybe it's something more."

"Has Anthony eaten anything at all in the past few days?"

"Just the tea at your house last night," Gibbs said sadly. "He tries…but I am not sure he can even swallow it down before it's coming back up."

"When does he go for his next round of bloodwork?"

"This morning at 9:30."

"Have them check his vitamin levels. It is done by one simple blood test, but will require they take a bit more blood," Ducky said. "Where are you going for the labwork?"

"Bethesda."

"Ah. Splendid! There is a pathologist who works there named Kara Walker. Tell her that Anthony is my patient and I am requesting a vitamin screening, and if he needs it have her give him a run of intravenous vitamin supplements."

"Why all the talk about vitamins Duck? I mean I know he hasn't been eating, but he says he hasn't even been hungry?"

"Anthony may be at risk of becoming malnourished. It's important that we keep his vitamin and nutrition readings at healthy levels. I would have them look particularly at his Vitamin D and B-12 levels. Those test results will assist him when he is ready to come back to work."

"Ok I'll have 'em check it. In the mean time…any suggestions?"

"Rest. Let him rest as much as he can. He's likely beginning to suffer from the lack of sleep he has been getting."

"I think he went back to sleep."

"Did he get any sleep last night?"

"Slept about five and a half hours," Gibbs said with a smile. "Most he's slept."

"That is excellent, Jethro! True progress! I know Cheryl will be pleased."

"Oh yeah…meant to tell ya about that…she's good Duck. Talked to her for a long time last night…she surprised me with what she got out of me."

"I'm glad you approve of her Jethro. She's a wonderful counselor, and I truly believe that if you let yourself open up to her that she really can help you both overcome many obstacles in your lives."

"I think you've been waiting for years to spring Cheryl on us," Gibbs said with a knowing smile.

Ducky chuckled. "A doctor never shares his secrets Jethro. I must be off now as I am preparing to board the elevator. It has been working surprisingly well these past days. No emergency stops at all!" Gibbs could hear the teasing smile in Ducky's voice—Gibbs was legendary for hitting the emergency stop button and everyone knew it—"Call me once you are finished at Bethesda."

"Will do Duck." Gibbs snapped the phone shut. Ducky'd been holding the Cheryl card for years and was just now playing it. Gibbs wondered what other tricks the old doc might have up his sleeve.

xxx

"Anthony DiNozzo," the nurse called out into the waiting area. Tony was sitting in the seat next to Gibbs, his head bowed and arms crossed over his stomach. His eyes were closed and he hadn't moved in a few minutes—not even the slightest fidget. That told Gibbs exactly how poorly Tony was feeling, and exactly how exhausted his partner really was.

Gibbs nudged Tony with his elbow and Tony sat up suddenly. He blinked his eyes and looked around. "It's your turn," Gibbs told him gently. Tony nodded and stood up. He looked surprised when Gibbs stood up with him. "You didn't think I was going to make you do this alone, did you?" Gibbs said softly, putting a gentle hand on the small of Tony's back.

Tony shrugged noncommittally. That was exactly what he'd thought.

"Not going to make you do any of this alone unless you want the privacy," Gibbs said. "Except for today…today I wanna ask some questions."

Tony nodded and Gibbs followed him down the short hallway into the small lab room. "My name is Molly," the nurse said. She smiled at Tony, a soft, flirty, _I'm available_ type smile. "And it looks like…" she looked over the folder in front of her, "ohhhhhh," her smile faded slightly, "you're here for an STD screening?"

Tony looked absolutely mortified for a split second, but then nodded. "Yeah," he whispered.

"Ohhhh," Molly said, giving him a slightly repulsed look. "Well…it's just a simple blood test."

"Could you check his vitamin levels too when you do it?" Gibbs asked. He'd explained what Ducky had told him to Tony that morning on the way to the hospital. Tony had agreed.

"Well…"

"Please," Tony said. "I really think it'd be helpful," he said with a small, charming smile. Gibbs reached over and took Tony's hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze, and shot a meaningful _back off _glare at the nurse.

"Alright," Molly said. She looked at Tony for a long moment and then made a note. "I'll let them know that you're ready, and I'll be back shortly and we'll get ya all taken care of. Ok?"

"Thank you," Tony said and Gibbs nodded. A moment later Molly was gone, and Tony let out a long breath. "Christ," he breathed and then shivered. "Did it feel to you like she would have liked the opportunity to throw herself at me?"

Gibbs rubbed Tony's shoulder soothingly. "It wasn't so bad," Gibbs said. "But you are maybe noticing it more than normal."

"Yeah maybe," Tony said softly.

As if all of the initial attention from the nurse hadn't been bad enough, Tony nearly died of embarrassment when Molly returned a few minutes later, fully clothed in all of the possible necessary gear for protection against a biohazard. Tony's eyes widened at the sight. She was wearing a paper mask over her mouth and nose, with a plastic mask over her eyes and the rest of her face. She was wearing a paper apron covering her scrubs, and Tony watched in horror as she put on two pairs of heavy duty plastic latex gloves.

"Is…um…all of that really uh…necessary?" Tony was already concerned that he might make his partner sick…and he knew he'd been running a light fever that morning…but holy shit this was really taking it to the extreme. Surely he wasn't the only person to ever come in the lab looking for a vitamin panel and an STD panel done.

"Well until we find out what you've got, I just think it's smart for me to take all of the necessary precautions," Molly said, her voice dripping with sugar and arsenic. She fought down her shiver—she couldn't believe she'd thought a man like…_this_ had been attractive only moments earlier. It said in the file this was a post-rape STD panel…she figured the man with him had done the raping—boys always did that shit to each other. It was immoral.

She poked the needle into Tony's arm rather abruptly and Tony winced when it hurt. "It'll be over in a few minutes," Molly said, her voice almost snapping at Tony. Finally she pulled the needle out and capped the blood sample.

Tony held the piece of gauze to the crook of his elbow and frowned at her.

"Oh don't pout," she droned. "You look like a child when you do that! Really—you're a grown man, and it was a small needle."

Molly stood up and picked up the file and the vial of blood. "The vitamin panel only takes a few minutes," she said. "Someone will be in with the results shortly."

She opened the door and Gibbs shot to his feet. "I need the head," he said to Tony, following Molly out of the room. He shut the door behind them and then followed her towards the nurse's station. She squeaked in surprise when she turned around and saw him standing right behind her. "I need to have a word with you," he growled, his voice low and menacing.

Molly squared her shoulders and set her jaw. "You can say whatever it is you need to say right here," she said. She would not go off alone with this man…she didn't trust him. He was…a _homosexual_ and obviously something to be feared—he was _obviously_ out to hurt her. She didn't think the military let people like this in…but then again, Tony's file says he's employed by NCIS…they aren't technically military. She shivered again.

"I'd like to know what the hell your problem is!" Gibbs kept his voice quiet, but the urgency in his tone left no room for argument—he would have his answers one way or another.

"I don't like to associate with people like that," she said simply.

"Funny because five minutes ago you looked like you were ready to rip his clothes off and have your way with him," Gibbs snapped. "Which would have been completely traumatizing."

"Why because he's a f—because he doesn't like women?" Molly caught herself…lucky too—Gibbs just might have broken he rule about not hitting a woman.

"Because he was raped," Gibbs said. His voice had dropped to a barely audible growl and her eyes widened when she saw how angry he was. "He was raped in a situation that he had no control over. You have the medical file. You might pass for an intelligent person. You already knew that."

Molly mildly resembled a fish. She didn't know what to say. "Well…I don't…I mean…"

"I should report you," Gibbs said, shaking his head and backing away. "For discriminating in his care, and for sexual harassment."

"You can't! You…I didn't…but…"

Gibbs narrowed his eyes. "I don't want you touching his bloodwork. Find another lab rat to do it for you. And I want to speak with Kara Walker. Immediately."

"Y-Yes sir," Molly whispered. She passed the bloodwork off to another lab tech sitting at the station, and picked up the phone and dialed Kara's extension. "There is a man here who would like to speak with you," Molly said softly into the phone. She listened for a short time and then hung up the phone.

"Dr. Walker will be here in a moment."

Gibbs' eyes were narrowed with anger and he nodded once, turned, and returned to the room he'd just come out of. He paused at the doorway, wondering what he'd find—what type of damage control he'd have to give Tony.

He opened the door and his heart dropped at the sight before him. Tony was hunched over in his seat, hands wrapped around the back of his neck and head. He was visibly trembling and shuddering. Gibbs could see that Tony's leg muscles were tight—as were the muscles across his back. There was vomit on the floor in front of him, and it had splattered up on the legs of his jeans.

"Oh Tony," Gibbs whispered. He moved to his partner's side and frowned when Tony flinched away.

"Don't touch me," Tony whispered, and his voice was filled with fear. "I'm dirty…I'm nasty, don't touch me," he begged.

"You aren't dirty," Gibbs said firmly. He put his hands gently on Tony's face and lifted it so he could look at Tony. His gut twisted at the shame he saw burning his lover's face and the fear he saw in his eyes. Fear of him. Fear of being touched. Fear of being rejected. "I've got you," Gibbs said softly. "And I love you so much. And you are safe with me. And clean. And not dirty."

"I can't do this," Tony whispered. "Feel like I'm crazy…like I'm cracking up…just let me go…just let me out of here," he said desperately. He scrubbed at his face with one hand, damning away the tears that barely leaked out of his eyes. He huffed out a sharp breath.

"Do you want to call Cheryl? I think she could help you."

Tony shivered again and Gibbs' heart broke a little more for his lover. Damn that bitch who had done this to Tony. Got him all stirred up again and brought back all that pain. He pulled out his cell phone and dialed.

The number rang until it was answered by Cheryl's voicemail. Dammit. "Cheryl it's Gibbs I need your help with Tony. Call me." He snapped the phone shut. Standing up, Gibbs grabbed several paper towels out of the dispenser. He wet them in the sink and gently wiped Tony's face clean. He used the napkins to wipe the worst of the mess off of Tony's clothes, but left the rest of the mess in the floor for someone—hopefully Molly—to clean up.

He'd just sat back down and wrapped an arm around Tony's shoulders when there was a knock on the door. Tony whimpered. "Who is it?" Gibbs called.

The door opened slightly and an attractive middle-aged woman with dark hair poked her head inside. "Dr. Kara Walker," she said softly. "You wanted to speak to me?"

"We're friends of Ducky's…he sent us to you specifically," Gibbs said. Tony curled in further on himself.

"What happened?" her voice was gentle and lilting.

"Your lab tech verbally assaulted my partner," Gibbs said.

"Oh my goodness," Kara said, shocked. "Who was your lab tech?"

"Molly." The name sounded more like a growl.

Kara sat down on the stool and rubbed her forehead. "I am so sorry this happened," she said. "Molly can be a bit…extreme. You aren't the first person to express concerns about her…but there was never…she's never done anything like this before. I'm stunned. I am so sorry."

"Oh I'm not expressing a concern," Gibbs said hotly. "She read the file that said he needs an STD panel _because he was sexually assaulted_ and went crazy. She insulted him when he expressed fear about the tests, belittling him and telling him not to be a child, and she went way overboard when she came in wearing two masks, an apron, booties, and doubled her gloves. She was treating Tony like he has the plague."

The lines in Kara's forehead deepened as she looked at the file on the table. "I don't even know what to say to this," she said helplessly, truly feeling horrible. She turned to Tony. He was curled over in his chair again, arms guarding his head and neck. "Mr. DiNozzo is there anything I can do to help you?"

"I just want to know that I'm not sick…I don't want to make anybody sick," Tony whispered to his lap. "I'm sorry…I'm sorry I'm so dirty…I can't wash it off…I'm so sorry…"

Kara felt sick. "I will be back in just a moment. I'm going to go get those tests started."

"We asked for a vitamin panel to be done as well. He's had some trouble eating, and this morning he was running a low grade fever and experiencing some joint and muscle pain."

"I'll make sure to check that as well. Sounds like his B12 and D vitamins may be low. I'll check and see. We can administer a vitamin therapy intravenously if he needs it. Kind of a quick way to boost his system a bit."

"Thank you," Gibbs said. "Thank you for listening to us."

"I am so sorry this happened. Thank you for telling me. And don't worry. I will personally be handling Molly."

Gibbs nodded and wrapped an arm across Tony's shoulders as Kara left the room. "Gonna be alright now Tony," he said softly. "Doc's gonna check your blood tests for us, and she's going to deal with Molly. We'll get ya all fixed up and be out of here in no time. How's that sound?"

Tony nodded, but didn't raise up. He didn't move. Didn't lean into Gibbs, but didn't flinch away. Gibbs' phone rang and Tony jumped a bit, startled. Gibbs pulled it out and looked at it, feeling his gut relax a bit.

"It's Cheryl Tony," Gibbs said softly, flipping open the phone. "Yeah, Gibbs."

"_Gibbs it's Cheryl. What happened with Tony?"_

Gibbs told her about what had taken place this morning at the lab where Tony was getting his bloodwork done. He could practically hear her sizzling in anger over the phone. Finally Gibbs finished ranting and Cheryl was quiet for a long moment.

"_Is Tony where I can speak to him?"_

"Yeah. Hang on." Gibbs held the phone out to Tony. "Cheryl wants to talk to you," he said gently.

"Don't wanna talk to Cheryl," he said. "Don't wanna talk to anyone. Just wanna be left alone."

"You need to talk to her," Gibbs said firmly. "You don't even have to talk, just listen to her ok?"

"Fine," Tony snapped, snatching the phone from Gibbs. "DiNozzo," he said.

Tony listened to her talk for a long time without saying anything. Gibbs couldn't quite hear her, but he could make out a very calm, gentle tone—exactly what Tony needed. Gibbs knew that the woman could pull out a firm tone when she needed one…but she seemed to agree with Gibbs—right now Tony needed gentle treatment.

Finally Tony spoke. "I'm just scared," he whispered. "I'm scared I'm going to make someone sick. I'm scared that every day when I look at myself in the mirror from now on I will have to look and see what those bastards did to me. I am so scared I'm going to hurt Gibbs…I don't wanna hurt Gibbs…" Tony's voice broke. "I'm sorry," he said, and Gibbs realized that Tony wasn't talking to Cheryl anymore.

Gibbs pulled Tony close and gently took the phone away from him, even as his tears began to soak Gibbs' shirt. "What do you want me to do with him?"

"_Love him. Be consistent with him. We have an appointment tomorrow?"_

"Yes."

"_Bring him to me tomorrow. I'll work on things with him a bit…help him action plan some things to do to get through situations like this. If you need me call me."_

"Thanks," Gibbs said softly. He shut the phone and clipped it to his belt. He wrapped both of his arms around Tony and held him tight. "You are right where you need to be," he said when Tony tried to pull away. "Let me handle it for a while. Just relax. You're safe with me."

"Oh God," Tony moaned, "What if you hadn't come back with me? What would have happened then? Oh God…Oh Gibbs I can't do this…I can't handle it…I can't…I'm not strong enough…"

There was a knock on the door before Gibbs could answer. Kara Walker poked her head back in. "I have some test results for you," she said softly. "I put a rush on the ones I could rush. There are a few we don't have back yet. Tony I do know that your vitamin levels are all quite low. You are beginning to experience some of the symptoms of several vitamin deficiencies. I'd like to give you some options on how to handle that."

"Kay," Tony whispered.

"I would like to give you an intravenous treatment today. It is a liquid vitamin supplement and should help you start feeling better. I would also like to prescribe a multivitamin for you to take every day."

"Ok," Tony whispered.

"We're still waiting on the STD panel to come back. Your white blood cell count appears to be up, but that could be due to the low vitamins or another infection of some sort. If you are having trouble sleeping and eating, as your form says you have been experiencing, this can also lower your immune system and make you more susceptible to other things."

Tony nodded.

"I'll be back with that IV in just a few minutes."

"I don't want Molly to come back again," Tony whimpered.

"You won't see her again. Once we get your IV going, I will be handling her personally while you receive your treatment. We may move you to an infusion room for your treatment, but I will get Molly out of the hall before then. You won't see her. I assure you. I am so sorry that this happened."

"Not your fault," Tony whispered. "I'm sorry that I—"

"You have nothing to apologize for," Kara told him firmly. "I'm going to go get you an infusion room set up and I will be right back for you in just a moment. I will take care of you myself and do your entire treatment. No more lab techs."

"Thank you," Gibbs said sincerely.

"I'm appalled at this. I am so glad that Ducky told you to get in touch with me."

"Me too," Gibbs said softly. He ran a hand over Tony's back and watched as Kara disappeared out of the room.

Kara headed straight for the nurse's desk and her glare darkened when she saw Molly sitting at the desk, using the computer, talking and laughing with the other nurses as though nothing had happened. She strode right up to Molly at the desk and leaned over the counter, well into the other woman's personal space.

"My office. Now."

Molly's smile faded slightly. She stood and began moving towards the elevator, knowing that Kara's office was a couple of floors up from where they were. Kara picked up the phone.

"_Security."_

"Hi Jim it's Kara. I need an officer in my office please."

"_Everything ok?"_

"I just need to have you guys keep an eye on one of my nurses for me for a few minutes while I do some damage control."

"_Meeting ya there. Gimme two minutes."_

Kara hung the phone up and got on the elevator with Molly. As the elevator rose, Molly fidgeted uncomfortably with her fingers. "Look…Dr. Walker I—"

"I don't want to hear it," Kara snapped. "I will deal with you later. You are to stay in my office with the security officer until I come back."

"But I'm supposed to get off work in two—"

"You'll get off work when I let you leave," Kara said. "You are not leaving this hospital until we have a little conversation. But first I have to go do some damage control to undo what you did."

"What I did…Are you talking about those two fa—guys in the lab?" The elevator stopped and Kara stepped off and walked down the hall filled with offices until she reached hers. Jim, the security officer, was waiting for them outside the door. Molly's eyes rounded.

"You're serious? You're really going to make me sit here with him until you come back?"

Kara looked at her evenly. "You're lucky I'm willing to speak to you about this at all. Part of me wonders if I shouldn't just have you turn over your ID and security pass and have you escorted off the premises."

"But…I…"

"I'll be back to deal with you in a bit. Jim? She does not leave this room unless the building is on fire."

xxx

Kara returned to Tony and Gibbs' room a few moments later. The infusion room was ready to go, and she'd made sure there was a warm blanket and several pillows available for Tony's added comfort during the infusion.

She knocked on the door and poked her head in. She smiled sadly at what she saw. Tony had turned and his back was now to the wall, and he was leaning forward with his face pressed into Gibbs' shirt. Gibbs had his arms wrapped tightly around Tony's shoulders, holding him in close where nothing could touch him.

"Excuse me," she said softly and Gibbs looked up. Tony didn't move. Kara stepped further into the room. "I have the infusion room ready for you."

Gibbs nodded. "Come on Tony," he said softly, helping the younger man stand up. Tony's head was bowed low, and he refused to look up where they were going. Gibbs took his lover by the hand, and began to lead him out of the lab room and down the hall. Tony shuddered as they passed the nurse's desk, but remained silent.

Kara led them down the hall to one of the infusion rooms. "Here we go," she said. The IV bag was already hanging from the pole and a comfortable looking recliner was in the middle of the room, and next to it sat another chair—placed specifically so Gibbs could stay with Tony. A pillow and blanket sat in the seat of the recliner.

"The infusion will take a couple of hours to run through completely," Kara said gently. "We are going to give you a Myers Cocktail. This is designed for patients who are experiencing asthma, migraine, fatigue, fibromyalgia, depression, anxiety, narcotic withdrawal, allergies, and rash. The infusion contains magnesium, calcium, B12, B5, B-Complex, and Vitamin C."

"I thought that you said he needed to have Vitamin D too," Gibbs said. Tony was slowly moving into the recliner. He leaned it back and Gibbs helped him unfold the blanket and gently tucked it around him. Kara stepped up and hooked him up to the IV.

"The best and most effective way to replace Vitamin D is sunlight," she said. "I am prescribing a multivitamin that Tony will take everyday…it will have vitamin D in it as well, but getting outside is going to help more than anything."

Tony flinched when Kara slid the IV smoothly into Tony's hand. He shuddered and Kara stopped, letting him have a moment to adjust.

"Don't stop," Tony whispered. "Just get it over with," he shuddered harder.

Gibbs put a gentle hand on Tony's forehead. "Just look at me," he said softly. "Let's think for a minute. We should take a vacation this summer," he said. Sure it was six months away, but it was something.

Tony was quiet for a long moment, just trying to focus on breathing through the needle being inserted into his arm. "Can tell you…where I don't…want to go," he ground out.

Gibbs smiled, glad that Tony was at least trying to refocus his attention. "Ok," he said. "Where do you not want to go?"

Tony looked up at him and cracked the smallest of smiles. "I don't want to go camping," he said. "Not again, not ever. Especially not in a cabin."

Gibbs smiled and kissed Tony on the forehead. "I can guarantee you," he said with a gentle smile, "that I will never make you set foot in a cabin, ever again."

"And if you dunk me in a river I am kicking your ass," Tony whispered.

"Noted," Gibbs said, giving Tony's hand a gentle squeeze.

xxx

Kara Walker left Tony and Gibbs in the infusion room and stepped out in the hall. She leaned against the wall and rubbed her forehead, wondering how she was going to handle the situation with Molly. She hadn't ever particularly liked her, but the girl was the niece of one of the prominent Navy officers, and he'd gotten her the job.

As she headed for the elevator, still trying to figure out what to do, the intercom in the hallway buzzed.

"Dr. Walker you have a call on line three…Dr. Walker you have a call on line three."

Kara dove for the phone, grateful for the distraction. She reached the nurse's desk and picked up the phone and then hit the button for line three.

"This is Dr. Kara Walker," she said pleasantly.

"And this is Dr. Cheryl Hodges," a voice snapped on the other end. "I want to know what _exactly_ happened to my patient."

TBC…


	15. Protective

_Thanks as always to my wonderful, brave, super-friend. Your story is amazing and has the ability to give hope and inspiration to a lot of people. Kudos to you for being so brave and awesome! Love ya!_

**Author's Note: **Unfortunately, in the world we live in, people like Nurse Molly do exist. This chapter is dedicated to anyone who has ever been the victim of a Molly.  
><strong>Warning<strong>: Some hate speech (not a lot just a bit). This story takes place before Don't-Ask-Don't-Tell was repealed.

**No Chains Holding Me  
><strong>**Chapter 15: Protective**

"This is Dr. Kara Walker," Kara said into the phone.

"_And this is Dr. Cheryl Hodges," _a voice snapped on the other end of the phone._ "And I want to know what exactly happened to my patient."_

"I'm sorry. Who is your patient?"

"_Tony DiNozzo. I received a distressed call from him and his partner a few minutes ago. What is going on? I was told you are the one I needed to talk to. What did your lab tech do to Mr. DiNozzo?"_

As angry as Kara was with Molly, she did not appreciate being attacked by someone she'd never met over the phone. But…she was responsible for the lab techs. This was on her.

"There was an…incident," Kara said. "I was actually just about to go and speak with my lab tech. Her behavior was unacceptable."

"_I am Mr. DiNozzo's psychologist. I am calling to file a professional, official complaint against your lab tech."_

"If you will give me just a moment," Kara said. "I need to move to somewhere more private. I didn't realize who you were, but I would like very much to discuss this with you further. I'm very disturbed by what has happened."

"_I'll hold,"_ Cheryl said.

A few moments later, the phone beeped and was suddenly alive again. _"Dr. Hodges?"_

"I'm still here," Cheryl said. She pulled out a notepad and pen. She needed to know exactly what they were saying happened, so she could best help Tony the next day.

"_Ok sorry about that. I needed to have this conversation somewhere other than the nurse's station,"_ Kara said with a soft chuckle. _"This situation is bad enough, I don't want to cause Mr. DiNozzo anymore pain or stress."_

"Mr. Gibbs called me, and he told me that Mr. DiNozzo was basically verbally assaulted by one of the lab techs. He was saying things like discrimination of care, sexual harassment, things of that nature…but he was very upset. I'm not saying he read the situation incorrectly, but I would like to hear your version please."

Kara took a deep breath, audible in Cheryl's ear. _"I heard much of the same things you heard from Mr. Gibbs. I have not had the chance to speak with my lab tech yet."_

"Why not?" Cheryl's voice was sharp.

"_I took over care of Mr. DiNozzo, rather than turn his case over to another lab tech. He's currently receiving an intravenous infusion of vitamins. We did a vitamin panel and he is at risk of becoming malnourished if he continues to have trouble eating. I have made sure that my lab tech is not going to inadvertently run into Mr. DiNozzo, made sure that he was comfortable, and was heading back to my office to speak with her when you called."_

Cheryl tapped her pen on the pad. "Can I ask a favor of you?"

"_Of course,"_ Kara said. _"I'm glad to do anything I can to help Mr. DiNozzo. I was before—I am especially eager to assist now."_

"If you don't mind, would you let me know what you decide about your lab tech? It will help me with how I handle his future appointments for blood work. He'll be having a series of them done over the course of the next year."

"_I can absolutely do that for you,"_ Kara said. _"But I will tell you that, as of now, unless something unforeseen arises, or there is an emergency, I have no plans to turn him over to a lab tech again. I would like to assume control of his blood tests and his care from here."_

Cheryl closed her eyes and smiled, feeling very relieved. "That would be excellent," she said. "I would like for us to be able to work together. Thank you very much."

xxx

In the infusion room, Gibbs was keeping a close eye on Tony. His partner was settled in the recliner, nestled under the blanket and his eyes were closed. He looked like he was sleeping—and in fact, if anyone had poked their head into the room, they would have thought Tony was sleeping—but Gibbs knew better.

He knew that his partner processed information in a very specific way. Right now, with his eyes closed and his breathing deep and even, Tony was busily reconstructing his mask. Gibbs had no doubts that when Tony opened his eyes he would show the world a young man who, while troubled, was handling the situation.

Gibbs reached out and lightly touched Tony's hand. He frowned sadly when Tony flinched under his touch.

"How you doing?" Gibbs kept his voice soft.

Tony blinked his eyes open. "Ok," he said quietly. "How much longer?"

Gibbs glanced at the bag. "It looks like it's about half empty," he said softly.

Tony looked up at it and then closed his eyes, silently pouting. "I hate this," he finally said.

Gibbs rubbed his hand lightly up and down Tony's forearm. "I know," he whispered. "Gonna be alright." He looked up at the IV bag and willed it to drip faster.

xxx

Kara stepped off the elevator and took a moment in the hall to collect herself before going to her office. She and Cheryl had discussed some of Tony's insecurities—including his fear of drugs—which Kara thought explained Tony's reluctance to participate in the vitamin infusion, and his relief when she explained that some of his problems could be solved with sunshine. Cheryl had been careful in what she spoke of—telling Kara only the things that Tony and Gibbs had previously given their permission on. Tony and Gibbs had been very specific on what could be shared with other medical professionals, and what Cheryl needed to keep to herself. Following those guidelines, Cheryl had revealed to Kara that Tony was feeling really insecure about how society was perceiving him—even people who had no idea what he was going through made Tony feel uncomfortable.

Hearing what Cheryl had to say, coupled with what Gibbs told her that Molly had said to Tony…well it made Kara feel ill. She didn't want to believe that this had happened—not in this hospital, but especially not in _her_ department. This hospital was designated for the military—soldiers, officers, NCIS and other military-civilian agencies…these people put their lives on the line everyday…they served their country and often made huge sacrifices…this was the repayment that this man was getting? How many others had been treated this way (or worse) and never said anything?

Kara took a deep breath and tried to calm down a bit before unloading the full force of her growing temper on Molly. Kara prided herself on being a good leader—fair and willing to listen to everyone in any given situation. She told herself that she needed to hear what Molly had to say, and then she would use that information, coupled with the information she'd been given by Dr. Hodges, Agent Gibbs and Agent DiNozzo to make an informed decision about what to do with Molly.

Opening the door, she nodded to Jim who was standing between Molly and the door. "If you don't mind," she said to the security guard, "I would like for you to stay here and witness this conversation please."

Jim nodded and leaned back against the wall, arms crossed over his chest.

Kara moved to her desk and sat down. She opened Tony's file and laid it out before her. She put the legal pad with her notes from Gibbs and Cheryl on top of the file and picked up a pen. Once she was set up, she looked up at Molly.

"On your rotation this morning you were assigned a patient. Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo."

"Yes, that's right," Molly said.

"Can you tell me what happened with Agent DiNozzo this morning, Molly?"

"I took his blood, he got upset, they asked to talk to you," Molly said.

Kara blinked at Molly's bluntness. "Why did he get upset?"

"Like I know! One minute we were talking and having a nice time, and the next minute he went all crazy and was being super weird. Probably because he and his _boyfriend_ fooled around and got him sick and he's embarrassed."

Kara's gaze hardened. "Do you understand that you are potentially in quite a bit of trouble over what happened downstairs?"

Molly blinked, looking honestly surprised. "Why would I be in trouble? What did I do that was so wrong?"

Kara looked at the notes on the legal pad in front of her—notes that told of how Molly had looked at Agent DiNozzo, how her attitude had changed once she learned what type of blood work was being done; notes that told of how she had come into the room completely decked out in full hazmat gear.

"Can you tell me about your initial feelings toward Agent DiNozzo upon meeting him this morning?"

Molly blinked. "Um…I thought he was hot. I mean like…he's movie star good looking, you know?"

Kara kept her gaze even, and did not offer the slightest reaction. "How did you react to him when you met him?"

"I just treated him like I'd treat anyone else," Molly shifted uncomfortably. Her eyes would not meet Kara's pointed gaze.

Kara's eyes widened slightly. She picked up the notepad. "So you would treat any patient who walked in the door with 'flirty smiles and long stares' and make all of your patients feel like you 'are going to jump on them and have your way with them'? Because that's what I was told happened."

Molly's eyes widened a bit as well. "Um…well I um…I was just um…trying to be nice."

Kara actually chuckled at this and shook her head slightly. "Right," any trace of a smile left Kara's face and her voice became deadly serious. "Tell me what happened during his visit. The long version."

Molly was quiet for a long time…she stared at her lap, and picked at her fingernails. "He was so hot," she said softly. "And he was acting like he liked me, ya know? And I really wanted to go out with him."

"And you realize this is already breaking protocol, right? Employees at Bethesda are not allowed to fraternize in any way with current patients."

"I know," Molly said softly.

"Okaaay, just making sure," Kara said skeptically. "So you liked him."

"Yes."

"Wanted to date him."

"That's right."

"And he was acting like he liked you too?"

"Yes, I thought so," Molly said.

"What did he do to make you think that he might like you?"

Molly looked at Kara like she was crazy. "What do you mean?"

"I mean you said you felt like Agent DiNozzo was returning your sentiments. How so?"

Molly smiled at the memory. "He smiled."

"Okaaay?"

"It wasn't just any smile," Molly said quickly. "It was a dreamy, I-think-you're-hot-but-I'm-too-shy-to-say-anything smile." She smiled again at the memory.

Kara thought for a moment. "So he smiled at you."

"That's right."

"And the smile made you think he might be interested in you? He didn't do anything else? Didn't say anything? Didn't make any physical gestures?"

"No."

"So it is possible that he is not interested in you in a romantic way."

"Um…well, yeah I guess so," Molly muttered.

"So what happened next?"

"I kinda maybe flirted with him a little bit."

"And did he respond?"

"No. Stone cold. No response at all."

"Interesting," Kara said mildly. "What happened next?"

"The dude who was with him kinda shut everything down. He was all business."

"As you should have been."

"I um…uh…yeah," Molly mumbled.

"So you got shut down."

"Yes," Molly's voice had gotten quieter.

"And then what?"

"I um…I opened the file to see what I was supposed to be testing him for."

"And what did you see?"

"He was there for…" Molly paused and looked absolutely disgusted. "He was getting tests for STDs."

"Sexually Transmitted Diseases," Kara's voice was sharp.

Molly visibly flinched at the words. "Yes," she said softly.

"And what happened once you realized why he was there?"

"Well…I guess I kinda felt stupid for even wanting to go there in the first place," Molly said. "I figured he must be a f…a _homosexual_."

Kara didn't miss the near use of the derogatory slur and looked pointedly at Molly. "And does that make a difference?"

Molly shrugged. "Well…there aren't supposed to be any…any of _those people_ in the military. Don't Ask Don't Tell you know."

"And did you ask?"

"Well…no."

"And did they offer any information?"

"Um…no. No they didn't."

"And did it occur to you that Mr. DiNozzo is not in the military? He works for a civilian organization. Don't Ask Don't Tell does not apply."

Molly—wisely—stayed quiet.

Kara sighed. "So you immediately set off down a track of discrimination, based on information you were not given. What happened next?"

"The guy who was here with him, uh, Agent Gibbs, grabbed his hand and started holding it. He asked for a vitamin panel to be checked for Agent DiNozzo."

"And you argued with him?"

"Well it wasn't his blood work…"

"So you argued with him."

"Yes," Molly whispered.

"And what did Mr. DiNozzo say?"

"He asked for me to do the vitamin panel as well."

"And then what happened?"

"I left to go get the equipment I needed."

"And all you did was pick up the syringes and the forms?"

Molly was quiet for a very long time. Kara narrowed her eyes. "I asked you a question," she snapped coldly.

"No," Molly said. "That isn't all I did." Kara stared, waiting for the explanation. Finally Molly huffed out a long breath. "I put on some protective gear."

"What all did you put on?"

"An apron…and a mask…"

Kara cut her off before she could continue to gloss over the story. "According to Agent Gibbs when you came back into the room you were wearing paper booties on your shoes, a paper apron, a paper mask covering your nose and mouth, a plastic face mask covering your entire face, and you put on two sets of rubber gloves once you were in the room. Is that correct?"

Molly's eyes were on her lap and she shrugged.

"You aren't aware of all of the protective gear you put on?"

"I'm aware of it," Molly said softly.

"And is the list I read off the correct information?"

"Yes, ma'am," Molly said.

"So you insinuated to a patient that you were interested in him sexually, got into an argument over his care—both with him and his partner, and over exaggerated your protective gear when mere plastic gloves would have sufficed. Is that correct?"

"Yes," Molly whispered.

"Tell me what happened while you were taking his blood."

Molly sighed. "I think maybe I insulted him," she whispered. Tears filled her eyes.

"You _think_ you _maybe_ insulted him. How do you 'maybe insult' someone? You either did or you didn't!"

"I did insult him," Molly said softly. Before Kara could ask, Molly continued. "He flinched when I stuck him, and I told him not to be such a child about it. That it didn't hurt that bad. But the truth is…" Molly covered her face with her hands. "The truth is I stuck him harder than I should have. I wanted it to hurt…because I was disappointed," she whispered, her voice just barely audible.

"Correct me if I'm wrong," Kara's voice was dangerously quiet and even. "You took all of the necessary exams to be a nurse right? And the special test to be a pathology assistant?"

Molly nodded and scrubbed her hands up and down her arms. "Yes," she said. "That's right."

"In your schooling was the proper treatment of rape victims ever discussed?"

"Yes," Molly said. "Of course it was!"

"And what did you learn about them?"

Molly laughed nervously. "Nursing Psychology 101…I didn't know there was going to be a test!"

Kara's frown did not fade at the weak attempt at humor. "I'm waiting," she said coldly.

Molly sighed. "Rape victims have quite often been brutalized in some way. What happened to them was done against their will. They are not responsible for their attack. It isn't their fault."

"And do you believe this information to be true?"

"Sure," Molly said. "I can't imagine that anyone would want that to happen."

"What did you learn about the proper way to interact with a rape victim in a professional setting?"

Molly thought for a moment. "We should always be respectful," she said finally, her voice soft. "A lot of times they've been robbed of their dignity…we are medical professionals, and we should try to help them restore their dignity and self-respect."

"Interesting," Kara said coolly. She slid the file over to Molly. "Read Mr. DiNozzo's recent medical history."

Molly slid the file closer and this time, actually reading what was printed on the page, instead of just glancing over the information and ignoring the details. "Patient obtained injuries and was sexually assaulted in a job related incident…" She lifted a hand to her mouth. "You mean…you mean the dude who was here with him didn't do this to him?"

Kara yanked the file back. "The 'dude' who is here with him is absolutely not one of the people who raped him," she said. "You do realize that you've made lots of major mistakes here, right?"

Molly nodded. Yeah, she'd screwed the pooch on this one. Kara nodded. "I need some time to determine what your punishment should be," she said, tapping her fingertips together.

"You need time to run down and talk to the Agents and see if they think I should be fired or not, right?" Molly's attitude was suddenly different, and there was malice where only moments before there had been contrition.

Kara narrowed her eyes. She'd had enough of this brat's attitude. "Actually, no," she said in a cold voice. "I changed my mind. I was going to think about this a little longer, but you're leaving me no choice. Molly…this is not the first time we've had a conversation about your…lack of professionalism," Kara said.

Molly nodded, but her face spoke of defiance.

"In consideration of the conversations we've had in the past, coupled with the events of this morning…" Kara took a deep breath. "I'm sorry Molly. I'm going to terminate your employment, effective immediately. I need your security pass, identification, and any keys you have in your possession."

Molly blinked. "Just like that? You're firing me. Just like that?"

"Yes," Kara said. "Your attitude has left me without any alternatives. Your behavior this morning was inexcusable. I will be turning your information over to the Maryland State Nursing Board to determine if you get to keep your nurse's license or not. And I will warn you…Agent Gibbs and Agent DiNozzo are quite upset by the events that took place. You may want to go ahead and line up some legal counsel."

Legal counsel? They were going to… "I can't go to jail for what happened this morning, can I?"

"Don't know," Kara said with an innocent shrug. "I'm a doctor, not a lawyer." Kara looked at Jim. "Will you please escort Molly out? Take her down the staff hall and staff elevator. She doesn't need to run into any patients on her way out."

"How the hell am I supposed to afford legal counsel if you just fired me!" Molly retorted.

"I'm sure I don't know," Kara said, very unhelpfully. "Perhaps you should have considered something like that before you engaged in this type of behavior this morning."

In that moment, if looks could kill, Kara was fairly certain she would be dead. Molly stood up and stormed across the office, Jim hot on her heels. Shaking her head as Jim opened the door, Molly looked back at Kara.

"I can't believe I'm losing my job over a pair of dirty faggots," she snapped.

"Goodbye Molly," Kara snapped. Jim shut the door behind them.

Kara sank into the chair and ran a hand over her forehead. Then she picked up the phone and dialed Dr. Hodge's number. Cheryl would be glad to know that the problem had been handled.

xxx

Gibbs led Tony out of the hospital a while later. The downtime in the infusion room had only helped to further drive home just how tired Tony really was, but he was also tearful and scared, slightly desperate feeling, and very anxious about who they may run into on the way to the car. Once they reached the parking lot, Gibbs helped him into the car and Tony immediately curled up on the backseat and closed his eyes. Now he could shut the world out for a bit. Now maybe he could find some peace.

As Gibbs drove home, he thought about what all had taken place that morning. He'd heard back from Cheryl that Kara was going to handle that bitch Molly for what she had done to Tony. Cheryl had encouraged him to try to keep Tony calm and to try to keep him from dwelling on what had happened. Cheryl had not been under any illusion that Gibbs might actually be _successful_ in his attempts, but she encouraged him to try.

There was still about a third of the IV bag left when Kara returned, and though she had worked hard to school her features, Gibbs was used to seeing through people, reading between the lines, looking through the masks. He could easily see how angry she was, how frustrated and embarrassed she was. She'd assured him that the problem had been taken care of, and Molly would no longer be a problem for either of them—not today, and at no time in the future, as far as Bethesda Hospital was concerned.

Gibbs was surprised to hear that Kara had actually fired Molly. Kara explained that there had been several discussions with Molly about professionalism and appropriate behavior over the past few months. Kara felt that it was inexcusable that people who spent so much of their lives serving the country would be treated in such a manner.

Tony was worried about Molly, what would happen to her now, what she would do if her nursing license was revoked—that sort of thing. It had been a completely overwhelming morning, and all he wanted to do was find a hole to crawl into and then sleep for a year.

Gibbs drove home and pulled carefully into the driveway. He parked the car and got out, holding Tony's arm with a steadying hand as the younger man rose slowly from the car. They started towards the house when Tony stopped. "We should check the mail," he said, grasping for any normalcy he could find in his world. It was mid-afternoon; of course they should check the mail. That was what people did, right? It was done every day…and it was something he should be able to do, right?

Tony moved towards the mailbox and opened it. Couple of magazines, some junk-mail ads, the water bill, and…one…other…envelope…Tony looked at it curiously. There was no address or stamp on the envelope—it had not been mailed; it had been dropped off in the mailbox.

_Mr. Tony DiNozzo  
><em>_c/o L. J. Gibbs_

Tony realized that the scrawl was familiar, but he couldn't quickly pinpoint whose it was. He turned the envelope over in his hands and opened it. He pulled out a simple sheet of legal pad paper, carefully folded into envelope thirds, and opened it up. His eyes widened as he began to read.

_Dear Tony_

_I spoke with Ducky who thought this would be an ok thing for me to do. So at the risk of being called a sap until I die, I decided to send you this anyway._

_None of us knows what happened on that case when you went undercover. I know that the memory of finding you in the car will stick in my mind forever. I was…well I was scared you were dead. That is not to say that some days I wouldn't like to kill you—but I want that privilege for myself. You did call me a Shih-Tzu. *wink*_

_We have all talked to Ducky and he won't talk to us about what happened. We all finally heard from Gibbs last night, and he told us that you just needed some time and some space to work some stuff out. Please understand I am not trying to badger you here—you know you can talk to me if and when you need to. I hope whatever it is, that it's something that won't keep you away from the office forever. We have a Probie to train, and he needs you to pick on him. I do an ok job most of the time, but you…you have it down to an art form._

_All kidding aside…I have known you for a while now, and I know that you don't call time out like this too much. In fact, I've never seen you do it before in all the time I've known you. So that tells me that whatever happened to you is a big deal. The fact that you have Gibbs with you tells me that it's a big deal too. I hope you are doing ok, and if you need anything I want you to know you can call me—any time of day, for anything you need. I'm glad Gibbs is with you—makes me feel better knowing you aren't alone._

_So…I guess that's it. I'm going to stop by the church on the way back to work and light a candle for you. Please don't shut us out Tony. Don't shut me out. We're good friends—and have been since we met. If I don't see you back at work soon, I hope that you'll at least call and say hi. And no matter what happened to you my opinion of you would never change. You're still Tony to me, and always will be._

_Ok. So I'm a sap. Shuddup DiNozzo—don't let it go to your head._

_Take care. Call if you need anything._

_Love your friend,  
><em>_Kate_

TBC…


	16. Trapped

**Warning: Mentions of non-consensual sex and rape in this chapter. The dream in particular may be disturbing to some readers.**

**Author's Note:** Now don't be too hard on Gibbs here folks…he's under a lot of stress too *evil grin*

_Special thanks to my dear friend who has helped me so much with this story. _

**No Chains Holding Me  
><strong>**Chapter 16: Trapped**

Tony forced his feet to move, even though he felt like he was pushing his way through dense quicksand. His breaths came in soft gasps, and his hands trembled as he clutched tightly to the letter…to the words that one of his dearest friends had given him…it was quite possibly one of the most wonderful gifts he'd ever received. He didn't want to fall apart out here in the yard…there were people everywhere, surely someone would notice if he suddenly broke down. Gibbs had done so much to help him, he didn't want to do anything to make the neighbors talk or ask questions.

Gibbs was waiting for him at the bottom of the front steps and his gaze immediately darkened when he saw Tony's distress.

"What's wrong?"

Tony shook his head and tried to push himself harder to get inside faster. He stumbled on the step and fell, slamming his knee painfully into the concrete. Gibbs helped him stand up. "Tony? Tony talk to me. What's wrong?"

They made their way into the house and while Gibbs was busy locking the door, Tony wrapped his arms around his waist and sank to his knees. The letter was still clutched tightly in his fingers. Gibbs turned and dropped to his own knees, biting back the groan of pain that threatened to escape. He put his hands on Tony's shoulders and gave him a firm shake. Tony was sobbing, but managed to look up at his lover.

"What is it? What was in the mailbox?"

Still crying too hard to speak, Tony held up the letter wordlessly. He felt the paper leave his fingers and put his face in his hands, crying harder. It wasn't long before he felt Gibbs' strong hands hooking gently under his elbows and pulling him to his feet. He found himself wrapped in the gentle warmth of a strong embrace, and his body was carefully propelled forward. They moved slowly, letting Tony achieve good balance as they climbed each step before moving to the next one.

Tony found himself sitting…the surface was soft, there was fabric…he must be in bed. Wait…bed? Tony stiffened a bit and blinked, trying to understand what was happening. Gibbs was sitting next to him on the mattress, a set of gentle fingers in his hair.

"Shhhh…" Gibbs' voice was soft. "Just relax…I've got your six…shhhh…"

A small, desperate sound escaped Tony's lips and Gibbs cupped his cheek gently with his hand. "Talk to me…keep breathing slowly, and talk to me, Tony," he encouraged gently.

It took Tony a few moments to collect himself enough that he could speak. When he did, he kept his face almost completely buried in the pillow. Gibbs' hand on the back of his neck and shoulder kept him grounded and helped him think through his panic.

"What is it babe," Gibbs asked softly. "Talk to me. Got your six…I'm right here…just talk to me if you can."

"I don't understand," Tony finally whispered.

Gibbs' brow furrowed. He could not screw this up. He had to help his partner—had to be there for him. "What don't you understand?" He kept his voice gentle.

Tony took a shuddering breath. "The letter…why…I…Kate…shit," he moaned. "I can't even form a sentence."

"Just take a deep breath and try again," Gibbs encouraged him gently.

Tony thought for a minute. "Why does she care about me?"

"She's your partner Tony. And your friend. Kate adores you."

Tony shook his head slightly and stared at the wall. "Been horrible to her," he whispered. "Shut her out. Shut them all out."

Gibbs' eyes raised to the ceiling and he took a deep breath. _Do not fuck this up._ "Tony…Tony you've been through something…something that none of us have experienced before—you included. None of us know the best way to handle it…but we're all working together…like the team…like the _family_ that we are…we'll figure it out together. You haven't done anything wrong here. No one is blaming you for wanting some space."

Tony was quiet for a long time. "Do you think I should call her? Write her? Hell I dunno…bake her cookies? Feel like…like I owe her…something," Tony half shrugged, an awkward movement from where he laid on the bed. His eyes blinked shut tiredly.

"You don't owe anybody anything," Gibbs soothed, his hand rubbing lovingly over Tony's shoulder blades. "You owe it to yourself to take care of you. If that means you need space, then we'll give you space. If it means you only want to tell people one at a time or pick and choose who you tell, then we'll figure out how to make that work too."

"I want to sleep," Tony whispered. "I just want to sleep." Two tears leaked from his eyes.

Gibbs leaned down and pressed the softest of kisses to Tony's temple. "Then go to sleep, Love. I'm right here.

Tony squeezed Gibbs' hand once, and with a soft, exhausted sigh, fell asleep. Gibbs sat with him for a long time, making sure he was comfortable and resting, and then he got up, leaving all the doors between them open so he could hear, and headed for the basement.

xxx

_Tony blinked and opened his eyes. He couldn't move his hands…they were tied…why were they tied…closer inspection showed that they actually weren't tied—he just couldn't move. Drugged. He'd been drugged. A glance around the room had Tony's guts twisting and his fear ramped up a couple of notches. _

_They were in the frat house._

_Tony groaned and tried to move, but whatever they'd given him had left him completely unable to even twitch a finger. He tried to speak and his voice came out as a strangled moan. A noise to his right drew his attention and his eyes widened. Marla stood in the corner…dear sweet Marla…Tony suddenly realized he was naked._

_As he laid there limply, Tony could hear Marla speaking to someone. Straining, he could hear the other speaker and he shuddered. A third voice joined in and Tony was convinced he'd died and gone straight to hell. He must have gasped because suddenly the three people turned, and their focus was instantly on Tony._

"_Ohhhhh looooook he's awaaaake," Marla's voice sounded odd, disjointed slightly, ethereal. Tony wondered if it was from whatever they'd given him to prevent him from moving. _

_Marla was Tony's girlfriend in college…his last girlfriend before he'd realized he was gay…he'd broken up with her as gently as possible, had as much respect for her feelings as he could, did everything he could to make it easier for her—after all it was his fault they were breaking up—his fault that she was so miserable…he'd deserved it the night she'd pumped him full of tranquilizers and had her way with him. She'd been gentle, and oh so loving with him, but it never escaped his mind that she had drugged him, and she had effectively raped him. When he confronted her about it later, she shrugged and said he must have dreamed it. How would a big strong football and basketball star such as Tony ever be physically conquered by a small, petite woman such as Marla? _

_As Tony laid there helplessly, unable to move, barely able to speak, Marla was flanked by two other figures from his nightmares—none other than Jeffrey and Lane…Tony gasped again and his three abusers laughed._

"_Did youuuuu knoooow he's gaaaaay," Marla stage whispered to the other two. _

_Lane smiled, resembling a shark, and crossed his arms, nodding. "I fiiiigured assss muuuuuch."_

_Jeffrey, on the other hand, clapped his hands and nearly danced with glee. "We can be togeeeeether foreeever," he squealed._

_Tony managed to shake his head. No he didn't want this, not like this, not ever…he had to get away…_

_Hands began roaming over his body, tracing up his bare thighs, across his brown nipples, rubbing up and down across his ribs. He tried to scream and a mouth closed over his, swallowing his screams. Tony blinked heavily and stared dumbly as Marla kissed him again and again, each kiss leaving him feeling weaker and more unable to move._

_Jeffrey's mouth was bobbing up and down on Tony's soft penis, sucking and licking for all he was worth, but was unable to make him hard. Jeffrey sat back after a moment and frowned. "I thoooought youuu sssssaid he was gaaaay," he pouted._

"_Ohhhh he'sss gaaaay," Marla said and Lane snarled his agreement._

"_Moooooove," Lane said to Jeffrey. "Letttt usssss shhhhow youuuu."_

_He shoved Jeffrey out of the way and Tony felt his guts tighten with fear as Marla lowered her head on Tony's still soft penis and began to suck…just as Lane slowly pushed one, then two fingers into his unprepared ass. Tony closed his eyes in pain, but they felt forced back open—he couldn't look away from them, he couldn't stop it, and he couldn't escape from it, and he couldn't quit watching them do it._

"_Oh God," Tony breathed. His fingers tightened in the sheets as his attackers continued their ministrations. "Oh God."_

_Marla pulled off his dick with a slurp. "Seeeeee I tollllld you he likkesssss it," she hissed before returning to her task._

"_Gibbs," Tony whispered. "Gibbs help me…please Gibbs…please help me…"_

"_Youuuu wannnnt Giiiiiiiibbs?" Marla said. She looked up and smiled. "Giiiiiiiibbssssss commmeeeeee seeeee Tonnyyyyyy!"_

_Tony relaxed a bit when he saw Gibbs approaching from the other end of the room. He'd help him…surely he'd help. He'd make them stop…Just as Gibbs approached, there was a banging sound on the door to the room._

"_Tony?" It was Kate. Oh thank God. Help was here at last. "Tony open up! Are you in here?"_

_As Tony opened his mouth to scream to Kate that he was there and he needed help, a hand suddenly pressed to his mouth, smothering his cries. His eyes widened when he saw that it was Gibbs. Gibbs smiled down at him gently, lovingly, and pushed his hair back from his eyes._

"_Eaaaaasy Tonnnnyyyy," Gibbs said softly. "I'llll makeeee themmm stopppp. But youuuu havveee toooo keeeeeep quiiiiiet." _

_Tony nodded desperately, eager for the attack to end, eager for these horrible people to be gone…was he dreaming? Had to be dreaming…_

_Gibbs kept his hand clamped over Tony's mouth and waved his other arm. A slice appeared across Lane's throat and he collapsed back, dying all over again. Jeffrey stumbled to the ground, a hole in his forehead. Marla…Marla merely vanished. Tony breathed out harshly through his nose and Gibbs ran his hands through his hair again. "Diiiiiid theeeey hurrrrrrt youuuu?"_

_Tony shook his head slowly. He was ok. He was fine. He wasn't hurt. This didn't happen. This was a dream. He was fine. _

"_Tony?" This time it was McGee's voice through the door. _

"_Anthony are you here?" Ducky's voice came next._

_Gibbs' eyes flashed. "Youuuuu cannn'tttt tellllll themmmmm…theeeeeey wonn'tt unnnnnndersssstanndddd…Keeeeeeeep quiiiiiiiiet."_

_Tony nodded again, and his eyes filled with tears. He closed his eyes trying to shut everything out. He wanted his friends. Needed them. Gibbs moved his hand away from his mouth…_

_Tony opened glazed eyes and stared up at his lover. "Why are you doing this," Tony whispered. "Feel so trapped…why are you doing this…"_

xxx

Gibbs was in the basement pacing. He'd thought he would work on the boat, but instead found himself feeling restless and unsettled. His gut was churning, and he couldn't figure out if it was because of what had transpired at the hospital that morning or if it was because of something else. He was grateful to Kate for her reaching out to Tony like that; he knew that Tony needed the support, and knew that he likely wouldn't ask for it.

He was still so angry over what had happened with Molly at the hospital. Really, how did people like that even get _hired_ to work in positions such as that? What if he hadn't been there? What if someone who wasn't as strong or stable as Tony had been in Tony's position? Gibbs ran a hand over his forehead and shook his head. Some damn people's children.

As he paced, Gibbs realized that he was angry over so much more than the events at the hospital. He was pissed because of everything that had happened, pissed because of the havoc those two dead bastards in Ducky's morgue (because they hadn't been able to get the families to come pick them up yet) were wreaking on his life—on Tony's life—on _their life_ together. And then he felt guilty for feeling that because he wasn't the one whose life had truly been turned upside down. Tony was all but living with him these days anyway—it wasn't like having him there was some inconvenience.

The sun was setting off in the west, sending a beam of bright last light through the basement window when Gibbs heard the sound. It set his feet to moving, and he was rushing up the steps without a backwards glance.

Tony was having a nightmare.

Gibbs was glad he'd left the doors all open, so that he wasn't slowed, blocked or hindered by anything in his path as he raced for his—_their_—bedroom. Tony was on his back and Gibbs' gut twisted slightly at the sight of him. His eyes were shut tightly, stress marred his beautiful face, sweat beaded on his forehead, and he was struggling in his sleep as though he was restrained.

Moving to his partner's side, Gibbs eased down to sit on the bed beside Tony. He brushed his fingers lightly through the hair above Tony's ear and began whispering quietly to him.

"Tony wake up," Gibbs crooned to him gently.

Tony opened glazed eyes and stared up at his lover. "Why are you doing this," Tony whispered. "Feel so trapped…why are you doing this…"

Gibbs blinked, shocked. "Tony wake up. You're having a dream sweetheart…c'mon babe snap out of it," the older man said.

Tony blinked and stared at Gibbs. His tension seemed to go through the roof. "Still here," Tony whispered. "Still here…Jesus why…let me up…let me go…gotta go gotta get up." He kicked frantically at the sheets and blankets, trying to untangle his feet, trying to get away from the dream.

Gibbs moved out of his way, watching as Tony tore from the bed. "Need a shower," Tony murmured. "Need a shower. So dirty. Need a shower."

He slammed the door in Gibbs' face and Gibbs' heart sank when he heard the lock click.

Gibbs stared at the closed bathroom door, wondering even more when he didn't hear the shower start for a long time.

What the hell was going on?

xxx

Tony came out of the bathroom as suddenly as he'd gone in. Gibbs knew by now that when Tony went to the bathroom to take a shower it was an intensely private time and Gibbs needed to keep his distance for the most part, unless Tony needed something. Gibbs was in the living room, flipping through a magazine without even looking at it, when he heard the bathroom door open.

A surprisingly few moments later Tony hurried down the steps. Gibbs glanced at the clock. Just after 7:30pm. After the day he'd had, Gibbs figured Tony would dress in sweats and maybe try to sleep some more, but Tony was wearing jeans and a long sleeve t-shirt with a hoodie zipped over it. He stopped short when he saw Gibbs sitting in the living room, and a small part of him panicked, even though he knew it was irrational.

"Hey," Gibbs said softly.

Tony stared evenly at him. "Hey," he finally whispered.

There was a long moment filled with an awkward silence—strange for them. And finally it was Gibbs who caved. "You uh…you ok?"

Tony nodded. "Fine," he said cheerfully. Too cheerfully.

Gibbs narrowed his eyes. "Have a good shower?" Tony had been in the shower with the water running for 53 minutes.

Tony's eyes dropped to his shoes. "It was um…it was ok," he mumbled. He felt his cheeks color.

Gibbs watched Tony standing awkwardly on the bottom step—as though he were a teenager caught sneaking out or something—and frowned slightly. "You seem upset…since you fell asleep," Gibbs said. Christ he hated talking about how they were feeling…neither one of them were good at it.

"Heh, uh…why would you say that? Everything's fine!"

Tony stepped off the staircase and moved into the living room. He seemed antsy…like a caged animal. Gibbs watched him closely. "I think we need to talk Tony," he spoke gently, watching his lover pace.

"What do you want to talk about? We have therapy in the morning—don't you think Cheryl is going to make us do enough talking then? Why do we need to jump the gun? Why can't we just sit and enjoy the peace and quiet? Seeeeee," Tony paused, "nice and quiet…only the ticking clock to tell us the earth is still turning."

"You said…something…when you woke up," Gibbs said. "Coulda just been something from the nightmare…"

"It probably was just something stupid," Tony murmured. He didn't want to talk about this. _Ohhhshitohshitohshitohshit_ _avoid this_…he prayed that Gibbs wouldn't pursue it.

He knew better.

"Well…I could be totally wrong," Gibbs said conversationally—obviously not dropping it, "but I thought you looked right at me and said you feel trapped here."

Tony laughed nervously and looked at his shoes. "Like you said…probably just something from the nightmare…I don't even remember it now." _I remember every. single. detail._

Gibbs shifted uncomfortably on the couch. He picked up his cup of coffee from the end table and ran his fingers over the lip of it softly, staring into it, hoping for wisdom. He took a deep breath. Now or never. "_Do_ you feel trapped here?"

Tony began pacing. Not a good sign, Gibbs figured.

"Christ Gibbs! Why can't you ever just…I really don't want to do this now," Tony said, his voice shaking slightly.

Gibbs stood up from the couch and approached him. His face was open…nonthreatening…gentle…concerned…

Tony turned away.

Gibbs put a hand on Tony's shoulder and squeezed lightly. Tony shied away from the touch. "I uh…I think I'm going to go for a walk," Tony said softly. "I need some air."

"Do you want me to come?" Gibbs offered, already reaching for his coat.

Tony shook his head. "N-no…no you…stay…right…here…I-I'm fine…I'm going for a walk," he stammered. He headed for the door, his hands spastically patting at his pockets. He had his phone, his wallet…

"Tony…babe are you sure that's a good idea?"

Tony stopped and whipped around so suddenly that Gibbs nearly ran into him. "Don't. Don't you dare," he hissed, a finger pointed in Gibbs' face.

Gibbs narrowed his eyes. He felt very attacked here, and he didn't understand why, and he was in his _own damn house_ and he wanted answered. Gibbs took a step closer. "Remember what happened in your apartment when you tried to be alone?" he asked. His voice was still gentle, concerned, but Tony completely misread it.

A hand shot out and slapped Gibbs across the face before Tony could stop himself.

Gibbs blinked in surprise and Tony stared at his hand in shock. He finally looked up at Gibbs who had a hand lightly pressed to his cheek.

"I have to go," Tony whispered. "I'm sorry. I have to go."

For the second time that night, Gibbs saw one of his doors slam in his face.

xxx

Tony stomped out of the house and down the front steps, furious. He didn't know where he was going, didn't have a plan. All he knew was he needed to get out of there for a bit. He stopped at the end of the driveway. Should he go right or left? He looked both ways…for several minutes he stood there, frozen by the need to act. Right would take him down the street to the park. Left would take him back into the city.

"C'mon DiNozzo," he berated himself. "How are you ever going to prove your independence if you can't even leave the driveway…what are you, some sort of damn five year old kid who needs Daddy to hold his hand to cross the street?"

He took a deep breath and stepped off the curb. Tony started down the road towards the park. He'd go down there and take a break. Have a minute. Get some air. A few minutes later he stepped onto the playground, feeling a bit like the creepy guy without the kid at the playground. Glancing around, he saw that he was alone. It was dark after all. Moving quietly through the playground, Tony wished he'd worn a heavier coat than his lightweight jacket.

He flopped down onto a swing and ran his hands over his face. "Get a grip," he whispered.

Frustrated with himself, he pulled out his cell phone. He opened it and began flipping through the numbers. Who to call? He clicked passed Abby's number, several of his buddies from college, and let out a soft groan. How did he have so many people in his life and yet have no one to call? Finally his thumb clicked down to Cheryl's name. He hovered over the Send button for a long moment, before taking a deep breath and pressing it.

xxx

Cheryl answered her phone the instant she saw who it was. After the day Tony'd had she was eager to see how he was doing.

"Cheryl Hodges."

"_Can you help me,"_ Tony whispered.

Cheryl's gut clenched. "Talk to me Tony. What's going on?"

"I'm sorry to bother you," he said. "I just…I…oh God…I can't go back there…I don't know what happened…don't know what went wrong…had to get out…had to get away," he babbled, sounding almost as though he was talking to himself.

"Tony," Cheryl said. "Stop and take a breath." She heard him exhale deeply. "Now. Tell me what happened."

"I c-can't…c-can't talk here," Tony said. "O-out i-in th-the o-open…c-can't t-talk h-here." He was so cold, sitting outside in the winter night. He got up and started walking around, trying to warm himself up.

"Tony are you at home?"

"N-no," Tony's teeth chattered uncontrollably.

Cheryl picked up her car keys. "Are you outside?"

"Y-Yessssss…a-at th'p-parrrk," Tony stuttered. "N-near th'house."

"Ok Tony can you give me some directions? I think we need to meet tonight."

xxx

Cheryl pulled up at the park and threw her car in park. She left the car running and hurried up into the playground. It didn't take her long to find Tony huddled on the slide, arms wrapped around his torso, bent at the waist and huddled into a ball. She approached cautiously, knowing that the young man was upset, but trusting him not to hurt her. She didn't want to scare him.

"Tony?"

Tony began to unfold himself slowly and he looked up at her. "Cheryl? Oh thank God…thank you so much," Tony said softly.

Cheryl eyed her patient carefully. She knew some of her contemporaries would take an issue with what she was doing—would likely have called the police, the EMTs, Ducky, one of Tony's other friends…someone to come get him…but she realized that what he needed most right now was someone he trusted. And the person that he'd trusted most in his moment of need—the person he'd reached out to for help—was her. And she figured things were bad if he'd left Gibbs' house.

"C'mon Tony," she said gently. "Let's get you warmed up. Come on. We'll go for coffee and chat."

"'m sorry," Tony murmured as he staggered to his feet. For a moment Cheryl was very concerned about Tony's health. How long had he been out here in the park before he'd called her? Was he hypothermic? In danger of frostbite?

She bundled him gently in the car and reached in the backseat and retrieved the blanket she'd thrown in the car—just in case. "Here," she said softly, helping him unfold it. "Let's get you warm."

Cheryl got into the driver's seat and cranked the heat up even higher and pointed the vents toward her passenger. Pulling out of the park, Cheryl headed for a small diner not far from Gibbs' house. She let Tony sit and enjoy the heat, soaking in the warmth and the two didn't speak during the ride.

They pulled into the diner and Cheryl turned the car off. She gently herded Tony inside, and they settled on a vinyl booth in the corner. A waitress came to the table and offered them menus.

Tony declined food, and when Cheryl narrowed her eyes a bit, ordered a cup of hot tea. Cheryl ordered a cup of coffee. Several minutes later their drinks were delivered to the table. Cheryl thanked the waitress. Tony stared into his cup, the horror of his day sinking in.

"So," Cheryl said softly. She folded her hands on the table and looked at him with a gentle smile. "What happened since we last talked?"

TBC…


	17. Struggling

**Warning: Mentions of rape and non-consensual sex in this chapter. There are some memories that may be disturbing to some readers.**

_Thanks to my friend for all your help and bravery in sharing your story so I can write my story. You rock!_

**Author's Note:** Small mention of episode "Missing"

**No Chains Holding Me  
><strong>**Chapter 17: Struggling**

Gibbs watched from the window as Tony stopped at the end of the driveway, seeming to war with himself. He was under no illusion that Tony would listen to him right now, under no illusion that Tony would come back inside if he requested. He was worried that his lover was outside in the frigid DC winter without a coat on. Sadness filled his heart as Tony stepped off the curb and headed down the street towards the playground.

Perhaps he was just going for a walk. Like he said. Just going for some air. Gibbs let the curtain fall back and ran a hand over his face.

Somehow he doubted it. Something had happened—something Gibbs was not privy to—and it was now affecting their relationship. Tony seemed upset with _him_…Gibbs shook his head and let out a long breath. He wondered what he'd done. He decided to give Tony some time to himself. If he was in the park, then Gibbs knew he'd likely be fine. And he was only a block away from the house—that meant he was close by if Gibbs needed to get to him in a hurry.

He strolled listlessly back to the basement, leaving the door open so that he would hear if Tony came back. Gibbs picked up the sanding block and with a heavy sigh, began to rub it lightly over the wood, not even noticing he was sanding against the grain.

An hour or so later, Gibbs realized Tony wasn't back yet. He decided he'd try to call and see how Tony was—if he was alright, see if he could entice him to come home if Gibbs promised to stay away. He wanted desperately to know what he'd done, but knew that with the headspace Tony was in when he left, he wouldn't get any answers. He pulled out his phone and dialed. Six rings later the phone finally picked up.

_Hi you've reached Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo. I'm unable to take your call right now, but if you'll leave your name, number and a detailed message I will get right back to you as soon as I can. Have a nice day!_

Gibbs narrowed his eyes when he heard the familiar voice mail beep. "Tony…it's me…I wanna know you're ok. Call me." He snapped the phone shut and started pacing again.

xxx

Not too far away in the all night diner, Cheryl kept her gaze even as Tony told her of his day. He told her about what happened in the hospital, what happened to Molly and how he was concerned for her.

"…and then we came home," Tony finished softly.

Cheryl looked at him expectantly. "And?"

Tony carefully avoided her gaze. "And what?"

Cheryl picked up her spoon and stirred her coffee. Before she could continue Tony's phone began to ring in his pocket. Tony pulled it out, grimaced when he saw who it was, and hit the silence button. He didn't hit the ignore button, merely turned off the ringer so it would ring to voicemail silently. Several moments later his phone chirped with a new voicemail. He didn't look at Cheryl, knowing she was going to pounce all over this.

"Didn't want to talk to them?" Cheryl stirred her coffee some more.

"Just need some space," Tony said.

"An interesting thing coming from a man who was saying how lonely he felt just a few moments ago," Cheryl observed. Tony didn't answer. Cheryl pressed on, "Why don't you tell me what happened after you got home today?"

"Not a lot," Tony shrugged. "Checked the…the mail. Took a nap. Then a shower. Then went for a walk."

Cheryl nodded and narrowed her eyes. "Lovely. Now how about you fill in what happened. That was the bulleted cliff notes version. I'm here for the whole enchilada."

Tony took a deep breath and was quiet for a long time. Cheryl took a patient sip of coffee. "Wait all you like, DiNozzo," she said with a smile. "I got all night. And if you like, I can charge you by the hour. You know I'm not going to judge you. That isn't my job." She smiled a little wider and this time it reached her eyes. "What happened when you got home today?"

Tony blew out a long breath of air through pursed lips. "I checked the mail…when I got home…there was a letter in the box…for me…from Kate."

"And who is Kate?" Cheryl was no idiot, she knew damn good and well who Kate was, but she wanted to hear how Tony perceived her.

"Kate is…well she's my partner at work. But she's…Katie's my…God she's like my best friend."

"So you got a letter in the mail from your best friend."

"Yeah," Tony said softly, eyes on his tea.

"Sounds like that's a good thing to me," Cheryl ventured gently.

Tony shrugged. "Kind of…kind of a double edge sword, I think."

"In what way?" Curious, not judging.

Tony pressed on. "Well…I mean it was nice to hear from her…creative too…Gibbs told 'em not to call every five minutes…never said they couldn't write I guess. But it…it made me feel bad."

"Good now we're getting somewhere. Why'd it make you feel bad?" Cheryl wanted to know.

Tony shrugged. "I shut her out…she wants to help…she's worried about me…and I just…I just shut her down. I haven't even talked to her since the crime scene the day that…" he shuddered.

"Why did Gibbs tell them not to call?" Again, Cheryl didn't sound like she was judging anyone. She merely sounded curious.

Tony was quiet for a long moment. He took a couple of deep breaths and Cheryl watched as he began to look increasingly upset. "Tony? Talk it out, hon. Don't bottle it up. I'm good, but I can't read minds yet. Take a deep breath and talk to me."

"He uh…didn't want me to get overwhelmed, I think," Tony forced out. That was the truth—he'd heard Gibbs say those very words to every member of their team. "But um…that is…Kate's been shut out for a long time now…they all have."

Tony's fingers found the little paper wrapped that held the napkins tightly around the silverware and started playing with it.

"Why do you feel like they've been shut out?"

"Because…because we have to be so _fucking_ careful," Tony hissed, his eyes on his hands. "We can't give any illusion at work that we're a couple because…"

"Because they'll move one of you, and then you can't look out for each other," Cheryl stated.

"Exactly," Tony whispered. "Thanks to Don't-Ask-Don't-Tell…hell we aren't even military—we're civilian! And I'm a free person right?" Tony looked up at her. "I should have the right to tell my own best friend that…"

Cheryl's eyebrows raised a bit. _Here it comes_, she thought to herself. _ Here comes the explosion…_"Don't stop Tony," Cheryl said, putting a hand on his arm. "Just say it. Whatever's on your mind, spit it out. Your thoughts cannot hurt you once you say them. They will do lots of damage if you let them bounce around in your brain. Just let it all out."

Tony took a deep breath. "I got mad at Gibbs today because I had this stupid nightmare when I was sleeping about the first time I was…uh…abused…sexually…and in my dream I could hear Kate calling me, and McGee and Ducky too…but Gibbs…Gibbs wouldn't let me reach out to them…I was completely alone except for him…I was trapped in this situation with Marla, Jeffrey and Lane and Gibbs was there telling me he would help me—telling me it would be alright if I would just keep quiet."

He stopped for a moment, processing what he'd just said.

"We both agreed that it would be best if we didn't tell anyone," Tony said quietly. "Especially at first since we didn't…we didn't know how it was going to work out between us."

"So your team doesn't know about your relationship?"

Tony shook his head, his eyes never leaving the table top. "It wasn't a big deal…we were doing fine not telling anyone…but then…then I got sent undercover," his voice was very quiet.

"Do you think it is a big deal that no one knows now?"

Tony was quiet for a long time. He glanced around the restaurant, his eyes jerking from seat to window to door to restroom, as though he expected someone to jump out and surprise him. "I…I'm not saying Gibbs is wrong…he's not wrong for wanting to keep us together at work…keeping us on the same team is…it's essential for us," he said firmly. "I agree with that completely."

"Well I'm glad you are happy to stay on Gibbs' team Tony," Cheryl said gently. "But that isn't what I asked you. Do you. YOU. Right now in this minute, feel like it is a big deal that no one else knows about your relationship with Gibbs? Not you a month ago. Not you a year and a half ago. You. Right now. Today."

Tony's gaze hardened and he stared at Cheryl, anger contorting his features. "I don't know," he whispered.

"I think you do know," Cheryl pressed gently. "You maybe haven't realized it yet, but I think you do know the answer Tony."

"He's protecting our careers," Tony argued. "He's doing what he thinks is best."

"Do you want to tell the team about your relationship Tony? Because so far you've only talked about what Gibbs is thinking."

"I…Sometimes…That is…" Tony closed his eyes and let out a long breath. "I wish I had someone I could talk to," he whispered. "Gibbs is great—he's been wonderful to me—probably more wonderful than I could have been to him! But…he is one of those people who has to fix everything…I don't need a quick fix," Tony continued. "I just…need someone to listen…I can't talk to Gibbs all the time…not when I want…need to talk _about _Gibbs…"

Cheryl smiled, understanding that feeling. Just as she was beginning to ask another question, Tony's cell phone on the table vibrated again. Tony put his hand on it and silenced it again.

"Is that Gibbs calling you?"

Tony nodded, slightly ashamed that he'd been figured out so easily.

Cheryl took a sip of coffee, her eyes never leaving her stubborn patient. "Wanna talk about why you aren't answering the phone when he calls?"

Tony shrugged. "Same reason I am sitting here with you and not sitting at home—or better yet, sleeping," he snarked.

"Now wait, let's back up. You said that you were upset with Gibbs because of his role in a nightmare today, correct?"

Tony nodded. "That's right," he muttered.

"And in the nightmare, Gibbs wouldn't let you reach out to anyone else?"

Tony ran a hand up his arms. "I remember…in my dream…I felt so…trapped. Gibbs had his hand over my mouth…telling me not to tell the others…And I think when I woke up…Gibbs was right over me…I must have been talking in my sleep again…but he was over me just like in the dream…I think…I wonder…maybe I panicked…a little…"

"Do you think if Gibbs knew how you're feeling that he would be ok with you two maybe telling someone? Maybe Kate?"

Cheryl watched the young man shrug. "I don't know," Tony whispered.

A short silence sat comfortably between them, Tony lost in his thoughts and Cheryl calmly sipping her coffee. She nudged Tony's cup toward him when he shivered. "You need to drink that," she said softly. "You need to get warmed up. How long did you sit outside?"

"I don't know," Tony whispered. With shaky hands he picked up the cup and held it. He didn't drink it.

A phone rang and Tony glanced at his phone, brow furrowing when he realized it was not his phone.

"That's mine," Cheryl said softly. She pulled out her phone and smirked when she saw it was Gibbs calling _her._ "Excuse me Tony," she said, flipping open the phone. "Cheryl Hodges."

"_I um…have a situation here," _Gibbs said without greeting or preamble.

"What's going on?"

"_Um…Tony left…about three hours ago…and he hasn't come back yet…he headed for the park. I went down there to see if I could find him. He uh…he wasn't there…and he isn't answering his phone…and I checked his apartment but he isn't there either. I just um…have you talked to him?"_

"He's with me Gibbs. He's safe."

Tony's head shot up at Cheryl's words. "I don't…don't make me talk to him. Please," Tony whispered.

"_Thank God,"_ Gibbs said, sounding truly relieved. _"He was so upset when he left…I just…I don't know what I did. I wanna fix it though…I want him to come back home."_

"I'll let him know. For now we're talking. He's safe. I promise you he's safe."

"_Ok um…well I guess that's it," _Gibbs said uncomfortably. _"Will you um…tell him…tell him I love him? Please?"_

Cheryl smiled. "I'll tell him Gibbs. If Tony decides to sleep somewhere else tonight one of us will let you know. Have a good evening." She closed the phone before Gibbs could respond and looked up at Tony. "He's very concerned Tony."

Tony nodded. "I figured he would be," he said softly, eyes back on the table again.

"Tony what happened that made you leave tonight?"

"I don't wanna talk about it," he whispered with a shudder.

"I need you to tell me," Cheryl pressed. "I need to know what I'm dealing with when I talk to Gibbs."

"He isn't the problem," Tony snapped, then quickly deflated. "I am."

Cheryl raised one eyebrow. "Ok Tony," she said gently, but her tone left no room for argument. "You called me because you needed help. I need you to tell me what happened so that I can help you."

xxx

Ducky was just locking the house up for the night when his phone rang. "Oh dear not a case this late," the old ME groused, wanting nothing more than to crawl into bed on this very chilly, damp night. He looked at his cell phone and his eyebrows lifted when he saw it was Tony calling.

"Good evening Anthony," he greeted his young friend warmly.

"Hey Ducky," Tony said softly. There was a long pause and just when Ducky was about to ask him why he was calling at such an odd hour, Tony spoke again. "I um…I have a question. It's more of a favor…I guess…"

"Certainly. Ask away."

"Would you mind…I mean…would it be ok…" he sighed. "Could I spend the night with you? Please?"

Ducky's eyes narrowed just slightly. "Did something happen with Jethro?"

"It's been a weird day and I really don't want to talk about it anymore," Tony said softly. "I just…I can't stay there…not tonight…I'm with Cheryl now…she came and got me."

That seemed to be a true testament to how upset Tony must have been. Ducky couldn't refuse his friend's plea for help. "Of course Anthony. Have you spoken with Cheryl about what happened?"

"Yes. She knows. I just…I can't face him tonight," Tony whispered.

"Very well. Come on over and we'll get you all set up in the guest room. I will tell Mother that you are coming so you don't surprise each other like last time."

"Thanks Ducky…we'll uh…we'll be there soon."

"I'll be waiting for you Anthony. Do try not to worry. Everything will be alright."

Tony hung up without another word. Ducky took a deep breath. "I hope," he said softly.

xxx

Gibbs was sanding the boat, trying to work out the roughage that he'd worked up in the wood earlier when he was so distracted. He was tired, but his mind was still churning. He couldn't figure out for the life of him what had happened with Tony. He refused to let himself glance at the clock, knowing that would do nothing for his anxiety. He wanted to be angry—wanted to be absolutely pissed at Tony for running out like that, for hiding instead of sticking around to work on things, for…

He sighed. Tony was acting exactly like Gibbs.

When his phone rang, Gibbs pounced on it almost frantically, and so quickly that he nearly knocked the boat off the sawhorses.

"Gibbs," he said breathlessly.

"_Hi Gibbs," _Cheryl's voice came over the line quietly.

"Cheryl…uh…hi," Gibbs said. He ran a hand over his forehead and finally granted himself permission to look at the clock. Nearly eleven. Damn had Tony really been gone that long? And if Cheryl was calling…was she calling to tell him that Tony wasn't coming back? "What's up?"

"_Tony wanted me to call you and let you know that he wants to talk to you…but that tonight he needs a little space. Are you still available for your appointment tomorrow?"_

Tony wanted Cheryl to call. That meant that Tony didn't want to do it. He didn't want to talk to Gibbs. "Of course I'm still available…Look Cheryl…I know I must have done something to Tony…I know he's upset…but…but I don't know what I did. I've wracked my brain all evening and I got nothing. Did Tony tell you what I did?"

"_He told me where some of his upset has come from. You two need to talk. Tony has some things he needs to say. Don't beat yourself up Gibbs."_

"So that's it then?" Gibbs snapped, starting to get angry. "Don't beat yourself up? What the hell do you think I've been doing all night? Not only have I been wracking my brain to figure out what the hell I've done to make him so damn mad—I have _also_ spent over half my damn evening trying to figure out where he went because I'm so worried about him I can hardly breathe! Of course I'm beating myself up!"

He broke off, breaths coming in deep ragged gasps. "Look I know…I know he's had a hard time…and I know that he's trying to figure everything out. But Jesus Christ Cheryl I feel like I'm getting whiplash from him! One minute he's crying, the next he's angry, the next he can't stand to be touched, the moment after that he's clinging to me! I'm doing the best I can, but I'm admittedly kind of…hindered when it comes to dealing with this emotional shit…I think I've been damn patient."

"_You have been very patient Gibbs, and Tony knows that. He's very grateful."_

"Why do I have the feeling like I'm about to be dumped?"

There was a long pause and it didn't help Gibbs feel any better. _"Look Gibbs…Tony didn't give me any indication that he was planning something like that. He only needed some space tonight to get his thoughts together. He mentioned some things that we're going to continue working on in our one on one therapy…he just needs a bit of space tonight."_

"So what do I do Doc? Where is Tony? Where's he staying tonight?"

"_Gibbs he's safe."_

"Not what I asked you, Dr. Hodges. I won't bother him. I won't call him or try to see him if he doesn't want me to—which he obviously doesn't. I just…I want to know where he is."

Cheryl sighed. She felt very bad for the team leader, but didn't really know what to say to make him feel better. _"He's with Ducky," _she said finally.

Gibbs let out a sigh of relief. "Oh thank God," he said softly. "I'm so glad he's safe. Thank you for helping him tonight."

"_It's no problem, Gibbs," _Cheryl said. _"I do have one question for you."_

"Shoot."

"_If Tony asks…would you be willing to make any changes to help your relationship with him?"_

Gibbs thought for a moment. Tony was such a fixture in his life, such a huge piece of his world…the thoughts of not having him—or worse—of someone _else _having him…and to keep Tony…to fix their relationship and to make things right…Gibbs would do…

"I'll do anything," he said softly. "I'd kill, beg, steal…whatever he needed. I'd give him the heart out of my own chest. I'll change whatever he needs if it means we can fix this."

Cheryl was quiet for a long moment before she spoke, and Gibbs wished he could see the expression on her face. _"I'll see you in the morning Gibbs. Try to get some sleep."_

Gibbs hung up the phone and stared at it. "Get some sleep," he muttered. He resumed pacing in the basement, as he felt like he'd been doing for hours. "That sure as shit isn't going to happen."

xxx

Ducky rose with the sun the next morning. He tucked his robe around his shoulders and shuddered at the stale chill in the house. He slid his feet into his slippers and began making his way through the dark hallways towards the thermostat. It had gotten colder during the night than he'd anticipated and the house needed some extra heat to shake the chill.

As he passed by the room that Tony was sleeping in, Ducky heard a noise. It sounded like…Ducky frowned and stepped to Tony's door, abandoning his immediate quest for heat. He knocked lightly, not wanting to wake the young man up if he was sleeping. His eyes widened and his heart sank when he beheld the sight in the room.

Tony was sitting in the bay window with his knees tucked up close to his chest. His arms were wrapped tightly around his middle and his head was canted towards the window. He was the picture of misery, and even in his sleep, sobbing tears poured from his closed eyes. He shivered suddenly, and Ducky realized the sound he'd heard was a mixture of Tony sobbing and shivering.

"Oh you poor, poor boy," Ducky murmured. He moved slowly to Tony's side, clicking on a lamp as he went.

Tony's eyes blinked open slowly and a brief look of confusion crossed his features as he tried to place where he was.

"Anthony are you alright?"

"H-Hey Duck…yeah I'm fine," Tony said, wiping a hand over his face. "I'm fine."

"It's still very early dear boy, would you like to lie down? It's chilly in the house."

Tony shivered. "N-No I'm good," he said quietly. His eyes slid over to the bed that was untouched.

Ducky's gaze followed his and the older man's eyes widened. "Anthony? Dear boy have you not been to bed at all?"

"I um…well I got to thinking," Tony said. "My brain wouldn't shut off…so I um…no Ducky. Haven' t been to bed."

"My dear boy you are going to become ill if you don't start resting! I think I must insist that you hop into bed until time for your appointment. Come along now."

"Has he called Ducky?"

"Has who called? Jethro?"

"Yeah. Stupid I know," Tony said softly.

Ducky looked sad. "It isn't stupid Anthony," he said softly. "But no, he hasn't called."

"Oh," Tony said and his body deflated as though completely exhausted. "Oh ok. Right." He looked at his older friend for a long moment. "Maybe I am going to lie down," he said softly.

"I will come wake you before I leave for NCIS," Ducky told him gently. Tony didn't answer. With a sigh, Ducky left the room, closing the door softly behind him. He didn't see Tony's newest round of tears. Didn't hear the whispered apology in the otherwise quiet room.

"Oh God," Tony breathed out through shaky tears. "I'm sorry Jet," he whispered. "I'm so sorry."

He managed to finally fall into an exhausted, restless sleep. For a change there were no dreams of Jeffrey or Lane. No dreams of Marla. The only dream he was having was the image of him slapping Jethro across the face—and it was as though it was looped. He saw himself smacking Jethro and then he saw Jethro leaving him—not the other way around. And it continued for the entire span of time that his eyes were closed, bringing him no respite at all.

xxx

Cheryl was standing in line at the coffee shop when her cell phone rang. She was not a morning person, so usually didn't answer calls at least until after she'd finished her first cup of coffee. Pulling out her phone and inspecting the caller ID on it, she smiled sadly when she saw it was her dear friend Ducky.

"You want the usual?" The kid behind the counter asked.

Cheryl nodded and flipped open her phone. "Good morning Ducky," she said pleasantly.

"Good morning my dear. I'm sorry to bother you so early."

"It's alright Darlin'," Cheryl said with a smile. "What's bothering you?"

"So astute you are," Ducky murmured. "I'm concerned my dear…have you spoken with Jethro?"

"Talked with him last night. I called him like Tony asked me to."

"I know you cannot divulge any of the things he said or shared, but…" Ducky sighed. "Was he alright?"

"He was pretty upset actually," Cheryl said. "I feel badly for him."

"Tony did not sleep any last night. I found him this morning in the bay window huddled up. He was shivering and trying to keep warm…I regrettably let the house get a mite cooler than I planned…he was dozing when I found him…but was sobbing and crying and undoubtedly keeping himself awake with it. I managed to coax him into bed, but I don't know if it will help."

The barista handed Cheryl her coffee and she paid him. "Their appointment is at ten…I think I may call Jethro and check on him," Cheryl said. "Can you stay with Tony until it's time for the appointment?"

Ducky hummed his agreement. "Yes I will let the director know. Do you think…are they in any danger?"

"Only to themselves," Cheryl said grimly. "Only to themselves."

xxx

Jethro was already in with Cheryl when Tony arrived. Good, he hoped he could manage to avoid seeing him until it was time for their joint session. He paced and wandered, touching the backs of the chairs, resting his face against the window and staring out at the icy day, yawning and feeling generally crappy the whole hour.

When the door opened and Jethro stepped out, Tony couldn't stop the longing gaze that met his partner. He missed him, missed him horribly, and wanted to make things right. But first…first he needed to go talk to Cheryl. He dropped his gaze and rushed past Gibbs before the older man could say anything. He didn't see the way Jethro watched him until the door closed, didn't see the hurt filling his eyes, didn't see the tension tightening his shoulders.

Jethro, for his part, had spent the entire night before in the basement. He'd napped under the boat until tremors of Tony's voice echoed through the house and he found himself racing half asleep to check on his partner again and again, each time discovering with painful clarity that Tony was not home. Along about two in the morning Gibbs had broken out the bourbon and started drinking Tony away.

When his phone rang at eight thirty, he was still passed out under the boat and missed the call. When the phone rang again five minutes later he roused a bit and managed to answer. Cheryl had fussed at him for scaring her.

"_Mmmm yeah? Gibbs?"_

"_GIBBS WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"_

"_Um…think I pass'd out under th'boat," Gibbs slurred._

"_Gosh," Cheryl huffed._

"_What's up Doc?"_

"_I was just calling to check and make sure you were alright after last night. And then you didn't answer…"_

"_Be better if I'd finished my nap."_

"_Oh you're finished mister. You gotta be at my office in an hour and a half."_

"_I'll be there," Gibbs assured her. "Oh and Doc?"_

"_Yeah Gibbs?"_

"_Did I scare ya?"_

"_I'll see you at ten Gibbs."_

xxx

Cheryl told a very shaky Tony to sit tight and went to get Jethro. Moments later a very haggard looking Jethro was led into the room. He took a seat on the overstuffed couch beside Tony and looked at his knees. Tony sat huddled against the arm of the couch, his legs tucked up under him, his head in one of his hands. Cheryl took a seat in the wingback chair next to the couch and looked over her notes.

"Alright," Cheryl said quietly. "My goodness, you two look exhausted." She raised her eyebrows when neither of them moved or spoke. Eyeing each of them, Cheryl took a deep breath. "Ok Tony do you want to start? I'm not going to sit here and listen to myself for the next hour, that's for sure."

Tony looked up at Cheryl's words. "Yeah," he said. "Yeah I'll start." He turned to Gibbs. "I have um…several things that I need to say. Will you hear me out to the end?"

Jethro nodded. "Yes," he said. "Yes I will."

Tony took a deep breath and began twisting his fingers together nervously. "I need to apologize…even though it breaks a rule," he said softly. "I shouldn't have hit you…I'm so sorry…that's…that's not me…" he looked up at Gibbs, looking for his reaction.

Gibbs looked so sad Tony thought his heart might break.

"I just want to know what I did," Gibbs said helplessly. "I want to make it right…and I don't know how."

"I guess I need to explain better," Tony said softly. He looked at Cheryl with some trepidation. "Um…" Tony covered his hands with his face. "Jesus this is stupid," he moaned. "I feel like such an idiot."

Gibbs took a chance, and put his hand lightly on Tony's shoulder. Tony looked up at him, surprised, and didn't flinch away. "Tell me," he said softly. "Please."

"I um…uh…goddd…when I was in college…I um…realized I like guys," Tony said softly. "But…at the time…I was dating a girl…Marla."

"I've not heard you mention her," Gibbs said softly, rubbing his hand lightly over Tony's shoulder. He felt, more than saw, Tony's shudder.

"When I broke up with her…I tried to be as nice as I could…tried to take all of the blame, tried to make it as easy for her as possible." He shuddered again and Gibbs kept quiet, knowing that if he spoke it'd likely cause Tony to stop his tale. "So um…one night I get this phone call…and it's Marla…and she asked me to come over for dinner—just as friends, she says. So I go."

Tony rubbed his forehead hard. "I didn't know what she was planning, Jet," he whispered. "She um…she put something…in my drink I guess…next thing I knew…I was awake, but not…I couldn't move or talk or…" he shook his head sadly. "She um…she made me have…made me have sex with her that night…said she wanted to 'fuck the gay outta me.'"

Gibbs blinked. He looked at Tony for a long moment, and then looked at Cheryl who kept her expression even. "Tony…Tony why didn't you ever tell me?" he thought about it for a minute. "That's why…why you were so upset after that case…where you were kidnapped in the bar and dragged into the sewers. You weren't right for days after that."

Tony nodded, his movements stiff and jerky. "So you asked me wh-what happened yesterday," Tony whispered, forcing himself to continue. Jethro nodded. "I um…I dreamed about that…and she was with…with…" a soft, wounded cry escaped his throat and Gibbs scooted closer, as though magnetically drawn. A few moments later, Tony regained control. "She was with Jeffrey…and Lane…and…you," Tony whispered.

Gibbs blinked. He hadn't been expecting _that_ at all. "Was I…in your dream…did I h-hurt you?"

Tony shook his head. "N-no…you made 'em stop…but…God Gibbs," he breathed, "This is hard…um…we were in a room…in the frat house…I could hear people though…could hear Kate and…and Ducky…and um…you told me…you told me that I should keep quiet…I shouldn't yell for help…I wanted to yell for help Gibbs."

Gibbs was floored by how small Tony sounded. He stayed silent, in case Tony wanted to speak, but partly also because he had no idea what to say.

Tony was quiet for a long moment, and he rubbed his hands over his face again. He looked at Cheryl who nodded slightly, obviously expecting what was coming next.

_Here it comes, _Gibbs thought to himself, _here it comes._

Tony took a deep breath and looked at Gibbs. "I think…there's something that will help me…and we didn't plan to ever…ever do this," Tony said quietly. "And if you don't want to…" he shrugged helplessly. "I don't know what that means…I can't force you to agree to this…"

Gibbs recalled Cheryl's question to him the night before. _"If Tony asks…would you be willing to make any changes to help your relationship with him?"_ He wondered if that would be called to count now.

"What is it Tony? What is it you need?"

Tony swallowed hard and looked at Gibbs for a long moment, their eyes searching each others'. Finally Tony looked away, as though he was ashamed.

"I need us to talk to the team," he whispered.

TBC…


	18. Reactions

**Warning:** (to all Abby fans) there is some fussing at her in this chapter—but she kinda deserves it I think…

_And as always, thanks to my wonderful, brave friend who is helping me make this story more realistic. You're so brave and awesome!_

**No Chains Holding Me  
><strong>**Chapter 18: Reactions**

Gibbs blinked, completely surprised by Tony's request. "You wanna tell the team. About our relationship?"

Tony looked absolutely terrified. "Yes," he whispered.

Gibbs ran a hand over his face. "The whole team?"

Tony held out his hands helplessly, "How would we only tell some of them? Who would we leave out? It'd be a disaster."

"It's going to be a disaster anyway," Gibbs' voice was growing higher in pitch as he got more worked up. Tony looked stricken, as though Gibbs had slapped him. Gibbs froze when he saw the look on Tony's face. "Before we jump into this with both feet," he said softly. "Are you sure this will help you? Because before I thought we both agreed that we should keep this between…well between just you and me."

Tony didn't answer…he stared at his lap, ashamed of his weakness. He should have known it would all blow up eventually, should have expected that Gibbs wouldn't be able to handle it. He moved to stand up, but Cheryl motioned for him to remain where he was.

"Gibbs talk to us…what part of this upsets you so much?"

"I…I dunno…I um…I needa minute," he said softly.

Cheryl could see his hands were shaking. She wasn't sure if he was furious, devastated, terrified or some jumbled combination of them. She nodded at him. "Please come back though, we need to work this out."

"I'll come back," Gibbs said softly. "I'll just…I need a minute."

Tony let out a low keening moan when the door shut behind Gibbs. He bent almost completely forward and his entire body curled in on itself. Cheryl scooted closer. "Ok Tony you gotta breathe honey, come on keep breathing, stay with me…nice and calm…slow breaths…" She smiled encouragingly at him, the whole time wracking her brain trying to figure out what the _hell_ she was going to do with Tony if Gibbs didn't come back.

xxx

Gibbs walked to the bathroom and locked the door behind him, grateful for a moment's peace. He knew Tony wasn't trying to upset him. Knew that he wasn't doing it because he thought it'd be cute or fun, and he knew that Tony wouldn't have even suggested it if he wasn't completely serious. Which was the problem. Tony was completely serious.

The senior agent wandered around the men's room, running his hands over his face, trying to keep his breathing calm. He asked himself a question. What would be the harm in telling the team?

Knee jerk reaction replied that the director would separate them and Gibbs wouldn't be able to keep Tony safe. Common sense was right behind it—why did anybody other than the team need to know? Could Gibbs convince Tony to work a compromise? Tell the team, but not the powers that be? Tell the team but swear them to secrecy at work? What if the other members of the team didn't approve? What would happen then?

A small voice inside his head reminded him gently that without Tony none of that stuff mattered. He needed to do whatever was necessary to help Tony. He meant what he'd said on the phone with Cheryl the night before—he would give Tony the heart out of his own chest, the air out of his own lungs, the thoughts out of his own head if he thought Tony needed it.

And Tony did need this.

Taking a deep breath, and feeling more settled, more in control of himself, and more open minded, Gibbs quietly left the men's room and headed back for the room where Tony and Cheryl were waiting for him.

xxx

In the therapy room where Tony and Cheryl were, the situation was rapidly deteriorating with each moment that passed. Tony was convinced that Gibbs was leaving him forever, and the tears had not stopped—had, in fact, intensified since Gibbs had left. He was sobbing, tired and exhausted from days of not sleeping well, trembling with fear of being left, and unable to hear anything Cheryl was saying because he was simply too upset to process her words.

Gibbs opened the door slowly, and then quickly hurried inside when he saw Tony. He looked in askance at Cheryl who tucked her lips in her mouth and shook her head. Gibbs turned to the corner where Tony had moved to, his heart breaking when he saw his partner in such a state—a state that he caused. Gibbs moved to Tony's side and gently put a hand on his lover's back. Tony didn't respond.

"Tony?" Tony cried harder at the sound of his voice. "Tony it's me…it's Gibbs Tony…I'm not leaving you…I'm sorry…I'm so sorry." Gibbs lifted Tony's face and cupped it gently in his hands. "I'm. Not. Leaving."

Tony wrapped his arms around Gibbs' neck in a desperate embrace. "I'm sorry," Tony whispered. "I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm so sorry…"

Gibbs hugged him back and sat down in the floor pulling Tony into his lap. "Ok Ok I got you, calmmmmm down you're ok…I'm right here…I'm not going anywhere…shhhh it's alright…shhhh…"

It took a few minutes for Tony to get himself under control. That, coupled with Gibbs' time out, had taken up most of their hour. By the time both of them made it back to the couch, Tony now sitting close to Gibbs whose arm was around his shoulders, it was nearly the top of the hour.

"I'm sorry," Tony said. "I didn't mean to waste our hour…I'm sorry," more tears filled his eyes.

Cheryl looked at her calendar. "Well. I don't have anything else until two thirty," she said. "If you want to continue we can. If you're up for it Tony. You too Gibbs."

"I'm up for it," Gibbs said firmly.

Tony nodded, his head against Gibbs' shoulder. "Me too," he said softly.

Cheryl nodded. "Ok then. Now Gibbs. Are you feeling better?"

Beside him Tony tensed. "Yes," Gibbs said softly. "Much better. I'm sorry I got so upset."

"Don't apologize for that," Cheryl said gently. "Outing yourself…well that can be an emotional thing. You're absolutely entitled to feel how you feel. But you seem much calmer now."

"I am," Gibbs said softly. "I realized in the bathroom…last night you asked me…if I was willing to make any changes to help us." Cheryl nodded. "And I told you I'd do anything," Gibbs continued. Cheryl nodded again. Tony was still, lying against him without moving, listening to every word he spoke. "I mean what I said. I'd do anything. I will do anything. But I have one small request."

Tony lifted his head and looked at Gibbs. "What is it," Tony asked softly.

"If we decide to tell…I'd like for us only to tell the team…and I'd like for them to not share it with anyone. I am not ready for the Director or HR to find out about us," Gibbs said. "But I am ok with us telling the team. I wasn't angry Tony. I'm sorry if I came across that way. I was scared. I'm scared because, more than anything, I want to keep you safe. And I guess I felt like if we told people about us…I wouldn't be able to keep you safe."

Tony stared at his lover, amazed that he hadn't left. "I don't want the director to know," Tony said softly. "Or HR. Or anybody else. But the team…they're our family Jet…when I had that dream…and you were saying not to tell anyone…and then when I woke up…you were sitting with me—just like you were in the dream—only your hand wasn't over my mouth when I woke up…" Tony chuckled sadly, "but I felt trapped…penned in…that was why I was acting so weird…that was why I was so angry. I didn't know if I could get out…and then…and when I hit you…I don't know why I did that…I just…was reacting I guess…but I realized that if we have problems…there's no one either of us can talk to about it…and I know neither one of us is really big on talking about it…but…sometimes we need to…we need that option…"

Gibbs pressed a kiss to Tony's forehead. "I understand that now," Gibbs said. "I didn't mean for you to ever feel that way…when we talked about it…it was a while ago…and you were ok with it…I guess it never occurred to me that your opinion had changed." He shrugged one shoulder.

"I didn't even realize it until I got the letter from Kate…" Tony said softly. "I wanted to call her, write to her, something…and I couldn't…"

Gibbs pulled Tony back down into the safety of his embrace. "We'll fix it," he whispered. "We'll fix it."

xxx

The rest of the session passed calmly. Cheryl commended both of them for their bravery—in confronting each other, and in remembering to call her when things got too big for them to handle on their own. Gibbs and Tony left Cheryl's office together—even that small step an improvement on how they'd arrived. As they were getting into the car, Tony's stomach rumbled.

"Hungry?" Gibbs asked sympathetically.

Tony nodded. He curled into the back seat and wrapped his arms over his stomach. "Can't eat though," he said softly.

"We'll figure out something," Gibbs said sympathetically.

Once they got home, Gibbs and Tony leaned on each other as they dragged their weary bodies into the house. Tony's stomach rumbled again and he looked down at it forlornly and put a hand over it. "Sorry," he whispered.

Gibbs wrapped an arm around his shoulders. "Not your fault," he murmured. "Let's go to the kitchen and see what we can find."

A few days earlier, when Gibbs went grocery shopping, he'd picked up something for Tony to try. He hadn't mentioned it yet—with the appointments, and the stress, and the stupidity of the clinic the day before, and then Tony leaving…

"I um…I got this for you," Gibbs said softly. He set a yellow box down on the counter where Tony could see it.

"Carnation instant breakfast?" Tony picked up the box and looked at it closer. "Rich milk chocolate…" Tony murmured softly as he read the label out loud.

"Thought maybe you could handle it a little bit at a time," Gibbs said uneasily, his cheeks slightly pink. "I know you love chocolate…thought maybe you'd have an easier time with that."

"It's worth a shot," Tony said. "It even sounds like it's good for you," he raised an eyebrow.

Gibbs shrugged one shoulder. "I know you haven't been eating so much…so you're probably missing out on vitamins and stuff. Might help."

Tony smiled, touched by his lover's thoughtfulness. He looked under the sink and pulled out a sports bottle. "I'll mix some up…but you have to try it too," he said, the hints of a teasing tone in his voice. Gibbs chuckled.

Gibbs handed him the milk as Tony emptied the contents of the packet into the bottle. Once the milk was added, Tony shook it up and popped the cap on the bottle. He sniffed it curiously and raised an eyebrow. It smelled _heavenly_. Gibbs smiled. "Like that?"

"Smells really good," Tony said. He raised the bottle to his lips and took a small sip.

"Don't chug it," Gibbs said gently. "Sip it…don't want you to make yourself sick."

Tony swallowed maybe a teaspoon of the chocolate drink. Then he blinked. He swallowed it. From a bottle. Without choking. Without gagging. The texture of the drink was smooth and creamy—like silk…the taste was really good—sweet, but not overly, and chocolate-y—which was impossible to overdo. He took another sip to test his body—see if he'd actually really succeeded in ingesting something.

He looked up at Gibbs who was watching him expectantly, and smiled. "I think…maybe if I do it only a couple of sips at a time," Tony said softly. "I think I can do this." He smiled wider. "I can do this Jet! Thank you! Thank you so much!" He wrapped his arms around Gibbs and sighed happily when the embrace was reciprocated.

Gibbs breathed a sigh of relief, happy that he'd managed to get something right for a change. In his arms, Tony yawned. "How 'bout one more sip, then we'll take a nap. Think we've both earned it," Gibbs said, swallowing a yawn of his own.

Tony took another sip of the drink and put the lid back on. He stuck it in the refrigerator and then washed his hands. Gibbs was proud of Tony for how quickly he managed to turn the water off—after only about a minute or so…a vast improvement from those first couple of days. Tony pulled a couple of paper towels off the roll and dried his hands then threw away the trash.

"Do you wanna lie down in the living room or upstairs?"

Tony thought about it. He was still so nervous when it came to lying on a bed…and he was so exhausted…

"The couch I think," Tony whispered. Gibbs nodded and together they headed for the living room. Tony sat down on the couch and looked suddenly uneasy.

"Hey," Gibbs said, squatting in front of him and looking up into his lover's eyes. "You ok?"

"Will you stay," Tony whispered. "I don't even know if I have the right to ask you that," he said softly.

Gibbs moved to sit beside Tony. "Of course you have that right," he said. "You always have that right." He wrapped his arm around Tony's shoulder.

"I'm sorry I left like that yesterday," Tony said quietly.

Gibbs pressed a kiss to Tony's temple. "You needed it," he said simply. "Don't apologize for needing something."

"But I didn't have to make a scene," Tony said softly. "I didn't need to hit you."

"I think you were feeling threatened," Gibbs said gently. "And I was missing all the stop signs you were throwing at me."

Tony nodded and leaned his head on Gibbs' shoulder. Gibbs leaned his head on top of Tony's head and they stayed that way for a long time. The minutes passed into larger increments of time and neither man noticed when they slipped gently into a peaceful sleep.

xxx

Tony blinked and opened his eyes. He lifted his head from his…from his Jethro-Pillow (he smiled at his silliness) and looked around. He squinted at the clock on the digital display on the DVD player. Nearly seven. They'd been asleep for nearly four hours. Tony yawned and ran a hand over his hair. He glanced at Jethro and saw the his partner was still asleep. Pushing himself up off the couch, Tony stretched and smiled. He'd kept down the chocolate stuff that Jethro had gotten for him…and he'd actually slept!

Stepping towards the kitchen, Tony felt like leaping for joy—if he wasn't still so tired. He walked to the fridge and opened it. He pulled out the sports bottle he'd mixed up earlier and flipped it open. Taking a small sip, Tony nearly groaned in pleasure as his taste buds erupted and the smooth creamy chocolate milk ran down his throat. He drank another sip, smacking his lips in pleasure, and let out a soft contented sigh.

Down the hall, Jethro's eyes opened slowly. He'd heard a noise. Glancing around he saw that Tony had gotten up. Hoping everything was alright, he stood up and headed for the kitchen where he could hear more noise. Gibbs stopped in the doorway to the kitchen and leaned against the door frame, smiling at the sight before him.

Tony was standing in front of the refrigerator. One hand was on the open door, the other hand had the bottle tilted back taking a small sip of the miracle drink Jethro had found at the grocery store. Tony's eyes were closed, but his face was line free—unblemished and filled with bliss. He looked good—better than he'd looked in days. He looked more rested and happier—more relaxed. As Tony drank his adam's apple bobbed up and down, causing Gibbs to swallow hard. He felt a stirring in his groin…Tony could think what he wanted…Gibbs still did and always would find him to be a very attractive man.

Tony took another sip of drink and then wiped his mouth on the back of his hand. Gibbs' eyes widened just slightly, and his breath caught in his throat…

_**Flashback**_

_It was late on Saturday night, last July. DC had been experiencing record breaking temperatures, and of course Tony's air conditioning had quit working in his apartment. Gibbs showed up for drinks and dinner, only to be met with a stale stagnant hotness that had nothing to do with the man occupying the apartment. Tony was sweaty and miserable, his head was hurting from the heat, and he wanted nothing to do with cooking._

_So Gibbs helped him back a bag and together they headed for his house. Tony groaned in pleasure when he walked into Gibbs' very cool, very refreshing house—an oasis for him in a sea of summer. He'd begged for a shower, and Gibbs told him he'd start the grill while Tony cleaned up and cooled off. They decided burgers would keep things nice and simple for the evening._

_Gibbs stepped back into the house a bit later, looking for a spatula. He stopped just inside the door and beheld the sight before him. There was Tony, still damp from his shower, beads of water on his shoulders and running down his back. His hair was still damp and his jeans were slung low on his hips…and from where Gibbs was standing it didn't look like he had anything on under his jeans. Tony had found a bottle of Dominion, their beer of choice, and was drinking deeply from it. His adam's apple bobbed up and down and in between long sips, Tony let out slow breaths of air._

_Gibbs licked his lips as he watched his lover take the bottle and rub his forehead with it, and then down the side of his neck. His skin lit with goose pimples as he watched goose pimples arise on Tony's flesh as well. Tony went back to drinking the beer and Gibbs found himself wishing he was that bottle…to be held and regarded so carefully by this wonderful, caring man…_

_Tony's words drew him back to the present. "You gonna stand there all night, Gunny?"_

_Later, he wouldn't remember his legs moving, wouldn't remember his brain giving his body the command to go-go-go-move-move-move to get to Tony as quickly as possible. All he would remember was the sight of his lover, splayed comfortably underneath him on the kitchen floor, eyes closed in bliss, burgers completely forgotten, their only focus on the other one, and their sweet-hot coupling on the cool tiles._

**_End Flashback_**

Tony's gasp drew him back to the present, and Gibbs was mortified when he realized he was not only sporting a hard on—but he was cupping it over his jeans…right there…in the kitchen, right in front of Tony. Gibbs blinked his eyes open and they quickly widened.

"Oh God," Gibbs said softly. "Jesus Tony I'm so sorry! I'd never…I mean I want you but…I…wouldn't…Tony?"

Tony's eyes were fixed on Gibbs' pants, seemingly fascinated by the way his lover's erection strained against the stiff denim material. Finally Tony blinked and looked up at Gibbs. "That's…because of me?" Tony's voice was soft, filled with wonder.

Gibbs nodded. "Yeah Tony," he said softly. "I'm sorry…I'll um…I'll just go…take care of this…"

Tony's head nodded to one side just slightly. "But…but why…I didn't…all I was doing was drinking some milk…?" He didn't sound angry, more awed by this new turn of events. "What was so arousing about that?"

Gibbs smiled and took a step forward. He put his hands lightly on Tony's shoulder and smiled. "You are. You are what's so arousing about that."

Tony took a half step backwards, his stomach tightening into a knot. "I um…uh…you can't…I mean…I can't…"

Gibbs put his hands on Tony's shoulders and stopped his nervous movements. "Hey. I'm not going to try anything…and I would never force you to do anything…I know you aren't ready," he said gently. "And I don't think you're weak for that—you're strong because you know your limits. I just…" he looked at his groin, "I just don't seem to have the ability to help myself," he smiled at Tony. "You are sexy. And beautiful. And maybe one day we can try something. But not today. Not today Tony."

Tony smiled, feeling so loved and cherished. He certainly wasn't ready for any sort of sex, but…

Gibbs' eyes opened wide when Tony leaned over and kissed him softly. It was a closed mouth kiss…soft, gentle, passionate…saying lots of things that neither of them had words for. Gibbs pulled Tony into a gentle embrace and Tony gasped when he felt Gibbs' erection pressing against his hip.

"I'm gonna go get rid of this…before it causes trouble," Gibbs said, shooting a mutinous look at his groin. Tony offered him a small smile and Gibbs squeezed his hand as his body moved away. To his surprise, Tony didn't let go—and their bodies drifted apart until only their arms were touching…and then only their hands…and then only a couple of finger tips…with one last glance, Gibbs turned and hurried back down the hall to the bathroom.

Tony watched him go and raised the bottle to his lips again. Taking a small sip, thoughts began firing off in his brain. Gibbs still thought he was sexy! Gibbs got a hard on…he was turned on by watching him drink something…Gibbs was turned on—and he didn't make a move on Tony…what did that mean? Was it because he was respecting the fact that Tony might—would absolutely—get nervous if he tried something? Was it because of something else?

He put the bottle back in the fridge and washed his hands again, still lost in thought. When he finished, he walked down the hall to the den where Gibbs kept his computer. He booted it slowly and once it was loaded, he logged onto the internet. He checked his personal email—something he hadn't done in days. Much to his surprise, Tony found he had emails from everyone on the team. Each of them checked in with their own methods—Kate sent him an article on anti-aging tips for men with a smiley face in the subject bar. Abby sent the recipe for some odd flavor of cookies that she wanted to know if he wanted to try—Tony smiled—he'd try anything once. Tim sent him the link to a youtube video that he thought Tony would find amusing, Jimmy Palmer even sent him a forward with a list of blond jokes on it. Ducky's email was much more straightforward, asking simply if he was doing alright after his appointment that morning.

Tony heard a noise behind him and saw Gibbs coming into the room. He looked much more relaxed than he had when he'd hurried off to the bathroom, and Tony smiled.

"Look at you," Gibbs said with a smile. "Haven't seen you doing this much lately."

Tony nodded. "Haven't really felt up to doing much of anything," he said softly. "But I thought maybe I'd email everyone…see if they wanted to come over…maybe Saturday afternoon? I don't…I mean I'm not looking to have a big party," Tony said quietly. "I'm not even suggesting dinner with them…but…I mean that's day after tomorrow…"

"That sounds fine Tony," Gibbs said with a smile. He settled on the recliner and picked up the political fiction novel he'd started several days earlier. Tony played on the computer for a while, trying to work up his nerve to talk to everyone. He found that a question was plaguing his mind though…he needed some reassurance.

"Hey Gibbs," Tony said quietly.

Gibbs put the book down. "Yeah?" He saw the funny expression on Tony's face. "You ok?"

Tony shrugged. "Think maybe I should ask you that," he said quietly.

Gibbs' gut started churning. "What do you mean? I'm fine," he said gently. When Tony didn't answer, Gibbs stood up and moved over to the chair where Tony was still sitting at the computer. He dropped down on his knees in front of him, and put his hands lightly on Tony's knees. "What's wrong honey?"

"Aren't you getting tired of me," Tony whispered. "I mean…God you didn't sign up for this, Gibbs! You're…you're a strong and sexy man…you should be able to…able to have sex…or fool around…or…or make out with your boyfriend on the couch if you want to…shouldn't be strapped with me…I'm damaged goods Gibbs…I'm no good for you." Tony closed his eyes and his head bowed low.

Gibbs' eyes widened. "Tony…Tony look at me," he said gently, cupping one of Tony's cheeks in his hand. "What brought this up?"

Tony let out a shaky little laugh and ran a hand over his face. "I um…just…well in the kitchen you…I didn't even offer to…oh God I'm such a mess," Tony groaned.

Gibbs took Tony's hands in his own. "Hey…now listen," Gibbs said softly. "That was completely unplanned, what happened in the kitchen. You are not to blame for that. That was my body reacting."

Tony nodded. "But…I mean…are you ok? With this? With us?"

"If I wasn't we wouldn't be having this conversation," Gibbs said softly. "If I wasn't I sure as hell wouldn't be going to counseling with you." He met Tony's gaze. "I love you. And even if we never get to have sex again I will still love you. That isn't going to change."

Tony squeezed Gibbs hands. "I love you too," he whispered.

xxx

Tim had just come home from work. He'd stopped off at the Noodle Shop and picked up dinner for him and Abby. She was settled on the couch with her noodle bowl in her lap and Tim pulled out his laptop to check his email. He pulled up his email, and McGee's eyes widened a bit when he saw an email from Tony. He set his noodles on the coffee table.

"Abs," he said.

"'eah?" Abby said around a mouthful of noodles.

"I got an email from Tony…"

Abby's eyes widened and she smiled. She snatched the laptop off of his lap and eyed the message. "He sent it to all of us," she said. "He wants us to come to Gibbs' house on Saturday…for drinks?"

Abby and Tim looked at each other for a long moment before they each picked up their cell phones and began dialing their friends.

xxx

Palmer was hard at work on terminology flashcards when his cell phone ring. "Oh please don't let this be a case," he groaned. "I have to finish these cards…" He picked up his phone. Tim. He sighed. "Palmer."

"Hey Palmer," Tim said. "Have you checked your email?"

"Um…n-no," Jimmy said. "I…I've been working on h-homew-work."

"Well you need to check your email," Tim said. "You have an email from Tony."

"Oh! Ok! Is he coming back to work?"

"Don't know," Tim said. "We're all meeting at Gibbs' house on Saturday night."

"I um…I can be there for that..." Palmer said softly. "Wait. I'm invited?"

"You're part of our team, Jimmy," Tim said. "'Course you're invited. Gotta go."

"Oh. Um…Ok then. Goodbye."

Palmer closed his phone and set it on the desk. He dutifully turned back to his note cards, determined to be available on Saturday night. He'd just been invited to Agent Gibbs' house. He was finally, really, a part of the team.

xxx

Saturday evening, Tony paced nervously through the house. He'd managed several sips of a milkshake, but hadn't attempted any food. They had discovered that as long as he took only a couple of small sips at a time, Tony was able to keep the milkshake down. Now though, his stomach rolled nervously, churning and twisting, and threatening to revolt as he waited for their friends to arrive.

"Tony," Gibbs said softly. He was sitting on the couch watching his lover pace.

Tony whipped around at the sound of his name. "Yeah?"

"Come sit down babe," Gibbs said gently. Tony flopped down on the couch next to him. Gibbs wrapped his arm around Tony's shoulder. Tony had been much more tolerant to touch from Gibbs in the past couple of days. "It's going to be fine," he said softly.

Gibbs was a bit amused by how nervous Tony was about telling the team about them. It had been his lover's idea—his lover's request—and now it was his lover who was nervous and pacing over it. Gibbs had not been excited about the prospect of outing themselves initially, but now he found himself resigned to doing it. Still not excited about it, he recognized that Tony needed it. And he agreed that Tony would likely improve even faster if he had a larger support network.

Beside him, Tony had not relaxed any. Gibbs tightened his arm around Tony's shoulders. "Talk to me," he said softly. "Tell me what's bothering you."

Tony was quiet for a few moments, trying to control his breathing. Finally he spoke. "I'm just…it's stupid," he said softly.

Gibbs poked him in the ribs. "Not stupid," he said firmly. "Now tell me."

"I'm scared," Tony whispered, hiding his face in Gibbs' arm.

"Do you think…could it have anything to do with what happened with Marla?"

Tony had trusted Marla—they'd even talked (very briefly) about getting married. And she'd betrayed that trust so horribly… "Maybe," he said softly. "Probably."

Gibbs put a gentle finger under Tony's chin and guided his face up. Meeting Tony's eyes, Gibbs smiled gently. "No one is going to hurt you like that again," he said softly. "I will keep you safe. Anyone who wants to hurt you is going to have to kill me first. I can't predict how everyone will react…we just don't know that. But I am one hundred percent confident that even if they don't approve of us, they won't do anything to hurt either of us. And no one is going to judge you for being raped," Tony closed his eyes at this, "No one is going to think you wanted it or you deserved it or that it's your fault. It isn't your fault. None of this is. You didn't get a choice in who you love, and you didn't ask to be raped. You were doing what you had to do to survive."

Tony didn't respond, but laid his head on Gibbs' shoulder instead of hiding his face. He wrapped his arms around Gibbs' waist and was content to just be still for a few minutes. It was then that Gibbs noticed that Tony had stopped shaking.

xxx

Gibbs plunked five tiles down on the board and spelled the word "quirts." Tony glared at the board and then raised an eyebrow at Gibbs. "That isn't even a damn word!"

"Actually it is," Gibbs said with a pleased smirk. "It's a riding whip with a short handle and the lash is braided."

Tony shook his head and narrowed his eyes. "You're making that up," he said.

Gibbs tossed him the dictionary. "Look it up for yourself," he said with a smile.

"I will do that Mr. Smarty-Pants," Tony said, shaking his head and flipping the dictionary open. A moment later his jaw dropped open. "Well I'll be damned," he said. "Quirts…a riding whip consisting of a short, stout stock and a lash of braided leather."

"Feel better now?" Gibbs asked mildly.

"Just calculate your score," Tony grumbled, but his eyes twinkled good naturedly.

Gibbs chuckled. "Well let's see…I have a Q worth ten, with a double letter score. That makes it twenty. And then the U-I-R-T-S each get one point each making my score twenty-five."

Tony groaned and started to write it down.

"Oh but wait," Gibbs said with a wicked smile. "I have a triple word score. Seventy-five points for me please."

Tony blinked and looked at the board. He looked at the word, then he looked at the score. "Sonofabitch," he murmured. "I still say it isn't a damn word."

Gibbs threw his head back and laughed. After a moment Tony joined in. They were each laughing so hard that they almost didn't hear the doorbell.

Gibbs rose to answer the door while Tony cleaned up the game. As Gibbs passed he squeezed Tony's shoulder and felt the younger man flinch slightly. Gibbs stopped and looked at Tony, making sure to make eye contact.

"Hey," he said softly. "Remember what we talked about. It's going to be fine."

Tony looked at him for a long moment and nodded. "Ok," he whispered.

Gibbs smiled. "Cause if it isn't, I'm gonna get my _quirt_ after them."

Tony groaned and rolled his eyes. "I am never living that word down am I?"

Gibbs smiled. "Nope," he said. "Least I made you smile. You ready?"

Tony was tense, and his stomach was in knots, but he nodded. "Let's do it," he whispered.

xxx

Their friends herded into the house, milling among each other like sheep, each one talking over the other, each one asking dozens of questions, each one wondering where on earth was—

"Tony," Kate said softly, the first to make it successfully to the living room and see her friend.

"Hey Katie," Tony said softly. He took a cautious step closer. "I um…I got your note…in the mailbox," he smiled. "Thanks…the things you said…I really um…it was nice."

"You're welcome," Kate said sincerely. She could easily see that things were not all well with her friend, but chose not to use this moment to push. It was just as well, the others bumbled into the room at that moment.

"TONY!" Abby squealed and her smile covered her entire face. She lunged at Tony, who immediately took a step back, his face filled with anxiety.

"Abby!" Gibbs called, right behind her. "Stop! Give him some space." He looked at Tony who was white as a ghost and trembling just slightly. "You ok?"

Tony nodded.

Abby stopped several feet away and canted her head to one side. "I don't understand," she said quietly. "I always hug you! It makes everything better!"

"Why don't you all have a seat," Gibbs said. It was obvious in his tone that he was not making a suggestion. "Tony and I will go get the drinks."

Gibbs raised a hand to put on Tony's shoulder as they left the room, and Tony flinched badly as soon as Gibbs made contact. "Sorry," Tony whispered. "Sorry I'm sorry."

Gibbs ushered Tony into the kitchen. "You ok?" He asked, keeping a bit of distance between them.

"I don't know if I can do this," Tony said, running his hands over his face.

Gibbs took a couple of steps closer and held out his arms, welcoming Tony into an embrace if he wanted it. A moment later he found himself with an armful of Tony, trembling and scared, sweaty and pale…

"Are you alright," Gibbs asked softly. "You feeling sick?"

"I…I'm ok," Tony whispered. "I'm ok I'm ok I'm ok I'm ok." Gibbs raised an eyebrow, unsure of who Tony was trying to convince.

"You can do this," Gibbs breathed into his ear. "You can do this. We'll do it together, and we'll be fine."

"What if they hate us," Tony whispered, tears brimming his eyes.

"Then we'll handle it," Gibbs said softly. "And we'll do it together."

xxx

A few minutes later, coffee pot, carnation instant breakfast, and sodas in hand, Gibbs and Tony returned to the living room. Tony looked at the couch—his safe haven—up against the wall. Tim, Abby and Kate were all seated on it, leaving no room for him. He sighed and moved to the corner of the room. He ran his hand up and down the outside of his arm.

Gibbs moved to stand beside him.

"So…are you alright Tony?" That question came from Tim.

Tony looked at the probie for a long moment. He glanced at Gibbs who nodded. _Be honest._ "No…no not really," Tony said quietly.

The others looked at each other for a long moment. Only Ducky did not look confused.

"Tony," Kate said gently. "Can you tell us what happened?"

Tony looked at Gibbs again. They'd talked about it, and Tony thought maybe if he looked at Gibbs while he described his attack that it would help him to not be so nervous when he talked about it. Now though…he wasn't sure he could look Gibbs in the eye while he admitted it.

"I um…when I was undercover…I was…I was drugged…and…and raped. By two men." Tony's eyes were on his shoes.

There were several quiet gasps and shared looks of surprise and horror around the room. But then one person stood up and moved closer. Tony looked up and saw Jimmy Palmer, the Autopsy Gremlin, coming towards him. He stopped just outside of arm's reach and fidgeted with his fingers nervously. "That must be difficult to deal with," he said gently.

Tony stared at his friend—his surprising ally in this odd situation. He nodded. "It is," he said hoarsely.

Jimmy's eyes were searching, but not judgmental. "Are you…are you seeing anyone about it?"

Tony nodded, and his gaze dropped as though he were ashamed of his weakness.

"That's good," Jimmy encouraged. "You know…if you ever…e-ever needed t-to talk t-to someone else," he began stuttering as he got increasingly nervous, "y-you c-could c-call m-me."

Tony raised his gaze at that. "Thanks," he whispered.

Abby was on her feet pacing in an instant. "He wouldn't need to call you Jimmy," Abby reasoned, "He has Gibbs to talk to. Oh Gibbs you are letting him talk to you when he needs it right? You aren't leaving him by himself to handle this all alone are you?" Her eyes were pleading.

Gibbs narrowed his eyes at her. "No Abs, he's not alone. It's one of the reasons why he's staying here."

Ducky hid a smile behind his hand. They were going to tell the team! He was so proud of both of them for their bravery.

Tim narrowed his eyes in thought. "One of the reasons?" he was quiet for a moment, "Why else would Tony need to stay here."

"He doesn't need to stay here, McGee," Kate said. "He's choosing to." She turned to Gibbs and Tony. "So how long _have_ you two been together?"

Tony sucked in a harsh breath and Gibbs raised his eyebrows. They looked at each other. Did everyone know? How had this happened—they were so careful!

Abby, Tim and Jimmy all looked at Kate as though she'd lost her mind. "They aren't together," Abby said matter-of-factly. "They wouldn't be together and not tell us. We're all friends…you'd think something that big would not be kept a secret! In fact—"

A hand on her shoulder stopped her. She whipped around and looked at Gibbs and her eyes widened.

"Oh my GOD you two ARE together! That's so exciting!" She blinked and a moment later threw herself on Gibbs, hugging him wildly. As soon as she let go of him, she turned and flung herself at Tony…

Who let out the smallest of whimpers and shied away.

"Abby no!" Kate, Gibbs and Jimmy all yelled. It wasn't necessary though, Abby stopped as soon as she saw her friend's reaction.

Abby's eyes widened and she felt about two inches tall as she watched her friend begin to fall apart. "Leave me alone," Tony whispered, pain and fear evident in his voice. Then he realized what he'd said, how he'd reacted. "Ohmygod," he breathed. "Abs…I'm…" he shook his head. "I have to go," he whispered. "I can't do this…I'm sorry, I have to go."

He turned and, without another word, fled from the room, leaving several concerned friends in his wake, all of them watching helplessly as their friend fell apart, right before their eyes. Tony disappeared into the bathroom and once he was gone from sight, their gazes shifted and hardened with anger.

Abby took a step back and put her hands up in defense. "Guys! I wasn't going to hurt him! I'd never hurt Tony!"

Gibbs sighed and ran a hand over his face. "He gets really overwhelmed," he said. "It's why we haven't been around lately…it's too much for him right now. He's been really traumatized…" he looked at the others. "You get that, right?"

Abby nodded, tears in her eyes, feeling like hell for scaring her friend. The others nodded too.

"None of the rules in his world are the same. If he establishes a boundary—such as _don't touch me_—then you _will _respect that boundary. Or you _will _answer to me. We clear?"

"Y-Yes Gibbs," Abby whispered, tears now dripping down her face.

Gibbs turned to the others. "Are we clear?"

A small chorus of "Yes Gibbs" and "Yes Boss" filled the air.

Gibbs ran a hand through his hair. "Now if you'll excuse me," he said softly, "I have to go see if everything he's accomplished in the last couple of weeks has been completely undone. You can hang out here if you want. But," he pointed a finger at them, "if he comes back out—and at this point that's a big if…give him the space he needs. He'll make the first step to you when he's ready. Don't force him. As we've seen," he looked at Abby, "that doesn't bode well."

Their friends were left speechless in the living room as Gibbs disappeared towards the bathroom. Tony was on each of their minds, and each wondered if things would ever be the same.

They doubted it.

TBC…


	19. Discuss, Decorate, Dehydrate

**Warning: More fussing at Abby. Oh and some vomit.**

_Thanks as always to my dear, brave friend for sharing your story with me so I could share this story with you. _

**No Chains Holding Me  
><strong>**Chapter 19: Discuss, Decorate, Dehydrate**

The team watched, stunned, as Gibbs slowly turned and made his way down the hall towards the bathroom. Once he was out of sight, they looked at each other, not sure what to do or say.

"Perhaps," Ducky said softly. "We should move the party to my house. We can talk more there."

The younger agents nodded and reluctantly began to stand up. All except one.

Abby remained seated on the recliner where she had plopped unceremoniously once Tony had rushed out.

"I'll um…I'll join you guys later," Abby said softly. Her arms were wrapped across her stomach and her head was bowed low, tilting her pigtails forward so they covered her face.

Tim looked uneasily at the others and stepped close to Abby. He put a hand on her shoulder, but she didn't move. "Abs…c'mon Abs…we'll get to talk to Tony later. He probably needs some space. Let's go to Ducky's."

Abby shook her head. "No I need to stay here…I need to apologize…I need to tell him I'm sorry…I screwed everything up."

"The best thing we can do right now is give Tony the space he requires," Ducky said gently. "Jethro is not going to be happy if we upset Tony further."

Tim patted Abby's shoulder lightly. "C'mon Abby. It's alright. We'll fix it. We need to go now."

Abby raised her eyes and looked at her friends. Everyone's face was filled with gentleness and understanding—except Kate. She looked upset—angry? Abby wasn't sure. She stood up with a huff. "Maybe I should leave a note…"

"_Maybe_ we should just _leave_," Kate snapped and walked out the door.

Abby bit her lower lip and looked at Tim and Ducky. "Come Abigail, let us away. Let's give them some time."

Abby nodded and followed the others out.

xxx

Gibbs knocked on the bathroom door. He was not surprised to discover that Tony had locked the door. "Tony?"

There was no answer. Gibbs sighed and tried again, forcing himself to not curse Abby.

"Tony…babe…they're not going to bother you. Can you open the door?"

He heard a noise…and then Tony coughed and Gibbs could hear him throwing up. He sighed again and pulled out his lock picking kit. Moments later, he opened the door, slipped inside, and then closed and locked the door behind him, knowing it would make Tony feel safer.

Tony was on his knees in front of the toilet, coughing and throwing up violently. Gibbs cringed at the way he was heaving…he knew his lover's ribs would hurt tomorrow from it. Moving quickly, Gibbs wet a washcloth. "Ok," he said calmly, soothingly. "Ok easy, here we go." He put the washcloth on the back of Tony's neck and he shivered when it made contact with his flushed skin. Gibbs left it on his neck for a few moments before he removed it and gently wiped Tony's face with it.

Tears and snot dripped from Tony's face and he clung desperately to the toilet in an effort to remain upright and in control of his emotions. Gibbs ran a soothing hand over Tony's shoulders and he flinched slightly away from the touch.

"Hey," Gibbs said gently. "It's just me. It's just us here. Everyone else is leaving."

Tony coughed again and spit into the toilet. "S-sorry," he said shakily. "S-sorry…" He heaved again.

Gibbs frowned. He had to get Tony to calm down…there was nothing left in his stomach for him to throw up. "Here," he said softly. He wiped Tony's face again. "Let's sit back. Make ya feel better to get your head out of the toilet." Gibbs flushed the toilet and eased Tony back onto his rear end and helped him scoot so his back was against the side of the tub.

Tony sat with his knees drawn up to his chest and looked up at the ceiling. Gibbs rinsed the washcloth and draped it over the side of the sink in case they needed it again. "You want some water," he asked softly.

Tony shook his head. "I made a mess of everything," he said softly. "How will I ever face them again?" He looked at Gibbs. "Why do you stay with me? I don't understand…" he shook his head again.

Gibbs sat down next to him. "You didn't make a mess of anything. Abby's the one who screwed up. You'd already told her once to back off, and she didn't listen. She screwed up. You are just fine. As for facing them…I don't think there will be a problem with any of them. They were all pretty concerned about you. They're your friends, babe. They want to help." Gibbs took a chance and wrapped his arm around Tony's shoulders. "Just try and relax," he murmured into Tony's hair as Tony leaned his head on Gibbs' shoulder.

xxx

Kate was pacing the entire length of the living room at Ducky's house when Abby and Tim arrived. As soon as the door opened Kate whipped around and her face darkened into an icy glare. Abby still looked sad and pitiful, and Tim was still trying to convince her that everything would be alright.

"You don't know that Tim," Kate said coldly. "You don't know that everything will be alright. Tony's been through something really traumatic here—we don't know how it will turn out."

Abby blinked her eyes in surprise at Kate's tone towards Tim who quietly backed down, nodding his agreement. "Don't yell at Timmy," Abby said. "He didn't do anything wrong."

"No he didn't do anything wrong," Kate snapped, "but you…you have all of the gentleness and finesse of a wrecking ball. What the hell were you thinking—jumping towards him like that? Were you going to hug him? You kind of looked like you were going to hit him. Do you not get that he. was. raped? Do you know what that's like?"

Abby bit her lip and her eyes filled with tears. "No," she whispered. "I don't know what it's like. I was just…he looked like he needed a hug," she said softly.

"How does cowering in a corner look like he needs a hug? Tony was trying to get as far away from us as he could without leaving! He looked like he was trapped! How did you come up with hugging him?"

"He did look pretty nervous," Palmer said softly. "Kind of like a caged animal."

"I always hug him," Abby whispered, with tears in her eyes.

"You always force yourself on people whether they want your affection or not," Kate snapped. "How many times have you hugged someone and they're stiff as a board? Hugs do not always make people feel better! And he already said he didn't want it! AND YOU DID IT ANYWAY!"

"I'm sorry," Abby said, her voice cracking over her tears. "I don't know how to fix it!"

"Ladies my word what is happening here?" Ducky entered the room, his hands splayed and his eyes wide with concern.

"Abby and I were just…_discussing_ her actions at Gibbs' house," Kate muttered.

Abby looked at Ducky. "Did I hurt Tony? I didn't mean to…"

"One thing you must understand Abby, is that right now Tony is in a very vulnerable place. He was affected on his deepest, most personal level. What happened to him…it's horrible—unthinkable. And because of the nature of our society, it is even more difficult for him to even admit to simply because of the fear of how those people around him will react. I cannot describe to you the amount of courage this evening took."

If possible, Abby looked even more devastated. Kate spoke up, "Ducky he had to know that we'd be nothing but supportive—we're his friends!"

"Nothing is certain for Anthony right now, Caitlyn. And really, it is difficult to predict how people will react."

"It's good those two guys are dead," Kate said. "I mean I wanna kill 'em…can you imagine how Gibbs must feel?"

Jimmy shook his head. "I really…had no idea…they were together."

Kate nodded. "I didn't until the day we got Tony back from the undercover assignment…he was so out of it, and Gibbs was just…Once I saw them together like that…well it was kind of obvious."

"I wonder if the director knows," Abby said, a touch of wonder in her voice.

"It isn't your place to say anything Abby," Ducky said gently, but firmly. "It is up to Tony and Jethro who they tell and when."

"I know," Abby said. "Aren't they so awesome together? I mean really, can you imagine a hotter pair of guys together?"

"I try not to imagine it," Tim said softly. "I have no problems with it, and it doesn't change anything about work for me, but I'd…I'd rather not…y'know…picture them…doing it," he shivered.

"It's just as well Timothy," Ducky said, patting him on the shoulder. He grinned and chuckled lightly. "I'm sure they feel the same way about you."

xxx

Gibbs opened his eyes and blinked a couple of times. He snorted softly when he realized he'd fallen asleep in the bathroom floor. His arm was still around Tony and Tony's head was on his shoulder, but had lolled forward slightly. Grimacing against his stiff neck, Gibbs looked at the small window. It was dark outside. He wondered what time it was.

"Tony," he said softly. He rubbed the outside of Tony's arm with his, but grunted when it sent tingles through his hand. His arm was asleep.

"Mmmh," Tony grunted. He stirred a bit before shifting slightly and resettling.

"Tony wake up," Gibbs said again. "We need to get up."

"Mmmh uh-uh," Tony said. He was sleeping so peacefully. Gibbs knew their bodies would be wrecked the next day if they didn't get up.

Gibbs slowly unwrapped his arm from Tony's shoulders and shifted a bit. Tony's weight shifted with him, but he pulled himself up as soon as it felt like he might fall over. Tony rubbed a hand over his eyes and looked around. "Did we fall asleep in the bathroom?" A small smile tugged at his lips.

"Yep," Gibbs said softly. He slowly rose to his feet with a tired groan and then turned around and looked at Tony. "How ya feeling?" He held out his hand to Tony to help him up.

Tony shrugged one shoulder and accepted the hand Gibbs offered. "Kinda silly," he said softly.

Gibbs put his hands on Tony's shoulders, and didn't move them away even when he felt his lover tense under his touch. "You aren't silly," he said firmly. "You aren't weak and you aren't stupid. Abby shouldn't have pushed like she did."

"I know…but I mean…hell—it's _Abby_, Jethro! It's what she does—who she is! She's always been this way—since I've known her! And now all of a sudden I have this big issue with her touching me! Jesus she must think I'm—"

The headslap cut him off mid-rant. Tony stared at Gibbs for a long moment before relaxing and nodding his head. "Thanks," he said softly.

"C'mon lover boy," Gibbs yawned. "Let's see if we can get some more sleep."

xxx

The next day was Sunday and the two spent a very quiet day alone together. They slept some and watched some television. Gibbs went up to the attic and pulled down several boxes of Christmas decorations and they put some garland on the staircase and some lights on the mantle.

"Do you want to go out Tony? We could try to pick out a Christmas tree if you like." Gibbs thought it might be good for Tony to get out of the house for a little bit for a reason other than being angry or going to an appointment.

Tony had shuddered at the idea though, telling Gibbs that going to a Christmas Tree Farm reminded him too much of being in the woods…alone…Gibbs had shut down the idea immediately. "I'll run down to the pharmacy and pick up an artificial tree," he said softly, with a kiss to Tony's cheek. Tony nodded and Gibbs grabbed his keys and jacket, hurrying out the door.

It started snowing while Gibbs was gone and Tony was a bundle of nerves by the time he returned. Gibbs had hugged him gently and kissed his cheek again and reassured him that everything was fine. Tony'd heard a noise though, while Gibbs was away, and it made him nervous. The noise had come from the basement.

Gibbs opened the door, thinking it was probably the old house creaking in the cold, and was surprised when a mouse had run across the floor right at his feet. Tony had jumped back, making a decidedly un-manly sound, before both men burst into a fit of the giggles over the situation. Gibbs was happy to see Tony starting to relax a bit, and was thrilled to see him smiling.

There was something nagging at the back of Gibbs' mind though. As diligently as Tony was sipping on the chocolate milk drink that Gibbs had gotten for him, Tony was losing weight. His muscle mass was beginning to diminish, and he'd definitely lost several pounds. Ducky always hounded Tony for being ten or so pounds underweight for his height as it was…so he really didn't need to lose a lot of weight for it to be noticeable. He'd changed the milk he'd gotten from his usual 1% milk to the higher in fat Vitamin D milk.

Tony, for his part, was drinking as much milk as he could stand. Together, he and Gibbs had determined that he was able to drink about twelve ounces each day. Gibbs knew that Tony was thirsty, he'd mentioned it on more than one occasion—and there were times when he'd move to sip the milk and end up taking a long, satisfying chug of it. Unfortunately each time Tony had done this, he'd ended up throwing up soon afterwards.

Gibbs worried that Tony was going to get sick because he wasn't eating as much as he needed. Tony was still keeping the food journal and they worked together to carefully note each sip Tony took and each bite of food he attempted. Each time Gibbs went to the grocery store he looked desperately for new things for Tony to try eating. But he was not coming up with many new ideas, and he was having a difficult time remaining positive as his lover continued to lose weight.

Monday morning Gibbs and Tony had an appointment with Cheryl. On their way to the university, they were supposed to stop by the hospital to get the results of his blood work. Gibbs woke up when the alarm went off, and smiled sadly at Tony who stirred for a moment then resettled. Tony had been awake for most of the night. He stayed on the bed, Gibbs under the covers, Tony on top of them, and kept the bedside lamp on. He'd read some, then written some in his journal, then read some more. He'd gotten up and taken a shower somewhere around 3am because he said he was freezing and couldn't get warm. When he'd gotten out of the shower, Gibbs had swapped with him, getting on top of the covers so Tony could try getting warm beneath the blankets.

Now it was time to get up and Tony seemed to finally be resting. Gibbs glanced at the clock and figured that Tony could sleep for a while longer and they'd still be able to make their appointment. With one last glance at his lover, he reset the alarm clock and headed downstairs to make coffee.

An hour or so later, Gibbs heard the alarm clock go off as he was getting out of the shower. Tony had been sleeping, albeit restlessly, when he went into the bathroom. Gibbs wrapped a towel around his waist and headed for the bedroom when he didn't hear the clock silence after a short time. He was glad that Tony was getting some sleep, but now his gut was churning—he was concerned…why wasn't Tony waking up? He was almost as light a sleeper as Gibbs was.

Gibbs shut off the alarm clock and put a gentle hand on Tony's shoulder. He frowned when he felt the heat of Tony's skin through his clothes. Tony had rolled to his back in his sleep and Gibbs gently pulled him onto his side before waking him. Tony had been terrified of sleeping on his back ever since…

"Tony? Time to wake up babe," Gibbs said softly.

Tony stirred slightly and let out a muffled groan. His tongue moved slowly to lick his lips, but Tony seemed to be having some trouble.

Gibbs narrowed his eyes in concern when Tony seemed to give up trying to move or speak after just a moment's effort. He shook his shoulder lightly. "Tony? You with me?"

Tony lifted a slow hand to his head and rolled to his back. "Mmmh…dunno," he slurred softly. "'s wrong? Head…head hurts…"

Gibbs let out a long breath, his gut churning more, and hooked his hands under Tony's arms pulling him to a seated position. Patting Tony's cheek lightly, he grabbed Tony's chin and shook his jaw a bit too. "Snap out of it Tony. Talk to me. You said your head's hurting. What else is wrong?"

Tony tried to lick his parched mouth again, but had no luck. "Th'rssss…eee," he whispered.

Panic and concern flooded through Gibbs. Tony was getting sick. Gently helping his lover lie back down, Gibbs got his attention again. "I'm going to get you something to drink alright? Stay in bed ok? Don't try to get up. I'll be right back."

Tony's eyes slid shut and Gibbs ran from the room, stopping only long enough to pull on a pair of jeans. Along the way he called Ducky.

"_Good morning Jethro! How are you both this morning?"_

"Think Tony's sick Duck. He can barely wake up and said he's thirsty and his head is hurting. He was freezing all night long…halfway through the night we swapped so he could get under the blankets…"

"_Oh dear…I was concerned that something like this may happen. It sounds like he has become dehydrated. Do you have anything there that he can drink? Some juice or preferably a sports drink?"_

Gibbs rifled through his fridge with growing panic. "I have some orange juice…no sports drinks here though…"

"_Temper the juice with a 50% mixture of water and juice,"_ Ducky said. Gibbs began mixing juice and water in a glass_. "You want to be gentle with his system. Do you need me to bring you a sports drink for him?"_

"We have to go to the hospital for his bloodwork, and we're supposed to meet with Cheryl today," Gibbs said, spilling juice on the counter in his haste.

"_I would call and reschedule your appointment with Cheryl. Take Tony to his appointment at the hospital. They can help him if he is too dehydrated."_

"He's been drinking milk, Ducky. How'd he get dehydrated?"

"_Well he hasn't been taking in a great amount of food or liquids in the past days…Has he been sick?"_

"He got really sick Saturday night…think that he didn't drink much yesterday because of it."

"_So it's likely that he hasn't had much liquid in the last 24 hours."_

"He's only been drinking about twelve ounces a day, Duck."

"_Jethro that's not enough to sustain life! That's dangerous!"_

"I know_. I know_! But it's all he can keep down. We're working on it. He's doing lots better. Let me get this juice in him…I'll call you back if I need you."

"_Do let me hear how he is doing as the day progresses,"_ Ducky said gently.

"Will do Duck." Gibbs snapped the phone shut and grabbed the glass of juice and hurried back to the bedroom.

Tony was on the floor, halfway to the bathroom. He was on his knees and one elbow, and his other hand was wrapped across his stomach. His head rested on his arm on the floor. Gibbs closed his eyes for a half a second and bit back the muttered curse that wanted to escape. He set the juice on the dresser and moved to his partner's side.

"What can I do," he said softly. Tony was breathing really hard and fast and his eyes were squeezed shut.

"Feelliiike…gonna…besick," Tony moaned softly.

Gibbs nodded and hooked his hands under his armpits and hauled him to his feet. Tony shut his eyes and pressed the hand over his stomach tighter against it. "Oh God," he whispered. "Oh God…so dizzy," he whimpered pitifully.

"I got you," Gibbs breathed into his ear. "Just trust me to help you. I've got you." With his arms wrapped around Tony's middle, he carefully moved towards the bathroom, all but dragging his lover with him. Gibbs helped Tony drop to his knees slowly near the toilet. "I got you a drink," he said softly. "I'm going to get it. It's just in the bedroom."

Gibbs turned his back and heard Tony start heaving the instant his foot hit the carpet. Grabbing the juice, Gibbs hurried back to Tony's side. Tony was gasping and heaving, but there was nothing left in his system to throw up. His ribs protested painfully and Tony groaned and grimaced in pain, whimpering softly and begging all the gods he could think of to make him stop throwing up.

"Stop please just stop please don't wanna please just stop help me stop," Tony whispered softly.

Gibbs hovered close by, ready to help if he needed it, but knowing that until Tony's body stopped revolting against him there really wasn't anything he could do. Finally Tony seemed to calm a bit. He was breathing hard, but the horrible heaving had stopped. Gibbs picked up the glass of juice.

"Here," he said. "Sip this." Tony put his hand over Gibbs' and eagerly went for the cup. He was so thirsty. But as soon as the juice hit his mouth he spit it out. Gibbs pulled the cup back and looked on with concern. "What is it? What's wrong?"

"Burns," Tony whispered. "Oh god it burns…"

Gibbs poured the juice out and rinsed the glass before refilling it with cold water. "Try this," he said. "Gotta get something into you…Ducky thinks you're dehydrated, and I think he's right."

Tony sipped the water and sighed in relief when his tongue came unglued from the bottom of his mouth. His mouth was so horribly dry! "I don't…don't feel good," Tony whispered. His eyes slid shut, seemingly of their own volition.

Gibbs urged him to drink some more, but Tony shook his head. "C-can't," he whispered. "Gonna…" Suddenly the awful heaving started again.

Gibbs pulled out his phone, but kept one hand on Tony's back. "Duck I need help," he growled into the phone. "Tony can't keep anything down and the juice and water mixed together burned his mouth."

"_He needs fluids Jethro. Take him to the Emergency Room…or bring him here to NCIS…I can look after him if you would prefer."_

"ER or NCIS Tony?" Gibbs asked softly.

Tony groaned and rested one arm across the bowl of the toilet, and put his forehead on it. He was so damn tired. "Ducky," Tony whispered.

Gibbs nodded once. "We're on our way to you Duck. Unlock the basement door. I don't want to have to explain why we're there or get stuck."

"I'll have the door open for you dear boy. Bring him straight to the back office. I'll have an IV set up and ready for him."

Gibbs snapped the phone shut and smiled. The back office was a small room located behind Autopsy. It was where Gibbs often sent the agents to nap if they had been on the job for too long or if one of them was injured. Ducky had a couch in the room, complete with pillows and blankets. There were no phones or intercoms in the room—the only thing in the room to call an agent away was the alarm system for fire or emergency. It was the perfect hiding place at NCIS.

"C'mon babe," Gibbs said softly. He pulled Tony to his feet and frowned when Tony seemed to all but collapse against him. "I got you," he whispered. "Let's get some shoes and your coat and we'll be ready to go. Gonna go see Ducky and get you taken care of," he said.

Tony nodded weakly. "You…needa…shirt," he whispered with a smile.

Gibbs chuckled. "I forgot all about it. I'll get one. C'mon, here we go."

xxx

Gibbs was surprised as they'd left when Tony asked to ride up front. Gibbs smiled and helped him into the front seat, all the time wondering why he wasn't scared anymore. Not complaining, but curious. As soon as Gibbs had gotten into the car, Tony had latched onto his right arm though. He was scared. He was terrified. But Gibbs quickly figured out that whatever was wrong with Tony now was scarier than the ghosts that rode in the back seat of the car. Gibbs had squeezed his hand gently and assured him that he was going to be fine.

Gibbs flashed his badge at the guard and waved as he drove through the gate. He pulled around back to the two parking places behind the building. No one ever parked back there because there were no lights in this parking lot. But it was only a few yards from the door, as opposed to parking in the deck where they'd have a long trek, followed by a trip through security at NCIS and then the elevator and hall's walk to Autopsy. Gibbs didn't think Tony could make it that far. Once he was parked, he called Ducky.

"_Hello Jethro,"_ Ducky answered.

"We're out back in the lot," Gibbs said. He glanced at Tony, still wrapped around his arm, head on his shoulder, sound asleep. "I might need some help getting him out of the car."

"_I'll be right out,"_ Ducky said and snapped the phone shut.

Gibbs set about freeing his arm from Tony's surprisingly strong grip. Tony stirred a bit and his eyes fluttered, but then he resettled. The last round of vomiting at the house had sapped the last of Tony's energy. It had been all Gibbs could do to get him out of the house and into the car. Once his arm was free, Gibbs slid from the driver's seat and ran around, opening the passenger door just as Ducky appeared with a wheelchair.

"Good idea," Gibbs said. He reached over and unfastened Tony's seatbelt. "C'mon Tony," Gibbs said, his voice straining under the effort of lifting his lover from the car. Gibbs got Tony out of the car, and Tony wrapped one of his arms slowly around Jethro's neck. His head lolled on Gibbs' shoulder and he smiled drunkenly.

"Loveeee youuuu," Tony slurred.

"I love you too," Gibbs said softly, glancing around for others who might be listening. He settled Tony in the wheelchair and they quickly made their way inside to the back room.

It didn't take Ducky long to get Tony's IV going and he got several ice packs from the freezer in his office and put them on Tony's armpits and groin. Tony groaned and shifted uncomfortably.

"I know Anthony," Ducky said gently. "It's quite uncomfortable; however we have to get your temperature down to its normal level. I'll move them as soon as possible. Just try and relax."

Gibbs eased down, sitting beside him and took his hand. "I'm right here," he said softly. "Just relax. Ducky's going to get ya nice and rehydrated."

"Did you call the hospital or Cheryl," Ducky asked.

"Hell," Gibbs groaned. "I totally forgot. I don't need to reschedule the hospital—they said we could just come by whenever. But I need to call Cheryl." He pulled out his phone and dialed.

"Good morning Gibbs," Cheryl said cheerfully.

"Hey Cheryl," Gibbs said softly.

"What's wrong?"

"Well…there was…we're not going to make our appointment today," Gibbs said softly.

"Has something happened? Are you and Tony alright?"

"I'm fine but Tony's…he's pretty severely dehydrated," Gibbs said softly. "We're here at NCIS…Ducky's tending to him, but…"

"But you're scared," Cheryl said gently.

"Yeah. And trying not to…"

"Trying not to freak Tony out. Is he there with you?"

"Yeah he's right here." Gibbs glanced over at his partner who'd managed to drift off to sleep again. "Wake up Tony," Gibbs said gently. "Need to stay awake for a bit. C'mon wake up."

"Can I speak to Tony," Cheryl asked.

"Sure," Gibbs said. He put the phone to Tony's ear and Tony slowly blinked his eyes open. "Cheryl wants to talk to you Tony," he said.

"H…H'lo?" Tony blinked heavily. Gibbs helped him slowly sit up on the couch.

"Hi Tony. Hear you aren't feeling so great."

"Not…s'much," Tony whispered.

"Anything I can do?"

Tony was quiet for a long moment. "Shoooot…me?" he said hopefully.

Cheryl chuckled in his ear. "Sorry kiddo. No can do. I'll check on you later alright?"

"Mmmh," Tony said and shoved the phone away. He dropped his head back on the couch and closed his eyes.

"Stay with me Tony," Gibbs said and Tony scowled at him.

"Gibbs don't worry about coming to the school today. Will you let me know how he's doing?"

"Yeah I will," Gibbs said. "I just wanted to let you know we weren't going to make it today."

"Next time we meet, I'll see if I can help Tony with his eating some," Cheryl said. "We'll get through this Gibbs. You just keep answering the phone and calling for help when you need it. You're doing great ok?"

"Doesn't feel like it," he muttered.

"I know. But trust me—you are doing just fine. And Tony really appreciates everything you're doing for him."

"I hope so," Gibbs whispered.

"I'll check on you guys later. Hang in there ok?"

"Thanks," Gibbs said softly. He hung up the phone and looked at Ducky. "I don't know where you found her," he said quietly, "but she's the weirdest shrink I've ever met. She acts nothing like a shrink."

"On the contrary, Jethro," Ducky said with a smile, "she acts exactly as a counselor should. It's why she's so good at what she does."

xxx

It took two and a half bags of fluid to get Tony feeling better. Ducky eventually let Tony lie back down and doze off for a short time. He was in and out of the back room throughout the morning—close in case Tony needed something, but also not drawing attention to the fact that he had guests in the back room. On a couple of different occasions he stepped out to speak with different agents, Abby, and even the director.

The only person who knew Tony and Gibbs were there was Palmer. He swore quietly that he wouldn't say anything. He could easily see how sick and bad off Tony was and didn't want to make his day any harder.

Tony woke up slowly. He blinked a couple of times and smiled when he saw Gibbs sitting close by, reading through a stack of reports. It took Tony a few moments to figure out why they were at NCIS but then he remembered. He pushed himself up slowly and Gibbs set the files aside.

"How ya feelin?" Gibbs' voice was filled with concern and his face was wrinkled with stress and anxiety.

Tony ran a hand over his face. "Feel ok," he said softly. "Better. Can I get something to drink?"

Ducky released Tony to go back home and rest more after a short while. Ducky said that Kate would very much like to see Tony and Jethro told him he thought that would be alright. Ducky promised to send Kate over later in the afternoon with a bottle of sports drink for Tony to sip on.

"He likes the blue kind," Gibbs said.

Ducky smiled and patted Jethro on the shoulder. "Then we'll make sure that's what he gets," he said gently.

"Thanks Duck," Gibbs said softly. He got in the car and threw his hand up in a wave.

Ducky waved back. "Anytime dear boy, anytime."

TBC…


	20. You're Still You

_Thanks to my wonderful friend for all your bravery in sharing your story with me. _

**No Chains Holding Me  
><strong>**Chapter 20: You're Still You**

Kate was half asleep at her desk when her phone rang. She blinked and looked at the clock on her computer. 2:43. She sighed and picked up the phone. The team had been on cold cases ever since the White case had ended and she longed for some action.

"Kate Todd," she answered.

"Good afternoon Caitlyn!"

Kate could practically hear Ducky's smile through the phone. She smiled. "Hey Ducky. What's up?"

"I have an assignment for you."

"For me? Sure what do you need?"

"I need you to go to Jethro's house and take Tony some Gatorade."

"Is he alright?" She kept her voice low. Tim was close by and she wasn't sure how quiet the info needed to be kept.

"He got fairly dehydrated this morning, but he's doing some better now. He needs fluids though. I think he would do well with a visit from you. Do go by yourself though—don't take everyone with you. He isn't ready for that yet."

"Yeah no kidding," Kate said softly. "I'll head over there after work."

"I already cleared you for the afternoon—sending you on an errand for me. Director Morrow said it would be fine my dear. Go ahead and head over there."

Kate smiled. "Ok. I'm going to make a couple of quick stops, but I'll be there shortly. Is there anything I should be prepared for?"

"Just know that Tony's emotions are still fluctuating. I think he might agree to see you, but then again he may not. It is difficult to tell."

Kate nodded and shut her computer down. "I'll just take it one step at a time," she said. "I know what _not_ to do."

"My dear we mustn't be too hard on Abby. She's merely…over excitable. She got carried away."

"Yeah well you don't get carried away and hurt my friend," Kate said firmly. "Not ok."

"Agreed my dear. Have a good afternoon."

Kate nodded, wondering what the afternoon would bring. "You too Ducky."

xxx

Kate wandered through the store, looking for something to take with her to Gibbs' house. She wasn't a huge believer in "get well soon" gifts, but she thought that taking _something_ might help cheer her friend up. She already had a large, gallon sized jug of blue Gatorade in her basket, and she wandered through the store slowly, hoping for inspiration.

She knew Tony wasn't really able to eat anything right now, so picking him out something to eat really wasn't the most exciting idea. She found a box of his favorite cereal, and a pack of his favorite candy. Maybe those two things would help him a little bit. She added them to the cart. She also got a carton of double chocolate fudge ripple with marshmallow swirl ice cream. She saved it primarily for her Pissy-Messy-Sassy hormonal days each month, but she knew Tony would eat it three meals a day if he could.

As she turned the corner and headed for the checkout, a new display caught her attention. Brightly colored cloths adorned this table with very eclectically decorated pots and holders containing twisted bamboo plants. Turning the cart toward the display, she picked up one of the plants. The pot was a small ceramic rectangular piece, and it was filled with pebble gravel. Shooting up out of the pebbles were shoots of bamboo that were carefully twisted together and held with gold ties. She thought about it for a moment, recalling a story she'd heard about bamboo years earlier and then put one in her cart. Maybe Tony would get a kick out of it.

Kate had another idea strike her and she walked back to the office supplies. She put a new pack of sketch pads and a pack of pencils in her cart. Tony was good at sketching crime scenes…maybe he'd enjoy doing it not work related…Satisfied with her selections, she headed for the checkout.

xxx

Tony had made it as far as the couch before he was just too tired to go any farther. Gibbs had eased him down on the soft cushions and pulled the blanket down over him. Tony was asleep before Gibbs pressed a kiss to his temple.

They hadn't been home too long when there was a soft knock on the door. Kate peeked through the window and saw Tony sleeping on the couch. Gibbs was moving towards the door, so she backed up a bit.

"Hi Kate," he said softly. "Thanks for bringing us this stuff." He looked oddly at the plant in her hands. "What's that?"

"I thought Tony might like it," Kate said. "And I got him some sketch pads and pencils, and some ice cream, and…"

"Why don't you come inside," Gibbs said gently. I think Tony would like to see you when he wakes up. And you can show him what you got him."

"Is he ok? Ducky said he'd gotten sick."

"He got really dehydrated," Gibbs shrugged sadly, staring at his sleeping lover. "He couldn't keep anything down. Ducky gave him two and a half bags of fluids…"

"Did he come here and do that?" Kate frowned slightly. "I saw him at NCIS this morning! How did he…" she nodded and smiled. "You guys came to NCIS didn't you?"

Gibbs led the way to the kitchen. "Yeah. We did," he said simply. "You want some coffee?"

"Sure," Kate nodded. She took a seat at the table while Gibbs put the jug of blue juice into the fridge and the ice cream in the freezer. He poured them each a cup of the strong black brew and then set the sugar bowl on the table in front of Kate along with the carton of coffee creamer. "I have to ask," she said softly as she doctored her coffee. "Tony getting sick…was that because of us?"

"No," Gibbs said firmly. "And you all need to not lump your reactions in with Abby's reaction. You were all being fine—you weren't scaring him or making him nervous. Abby just…I hope she just wasn't thinking," Gibbs said.

"I can't believe she did what she did," Kate said. "I mean Tony had just said that he didn't want to be touched…why would she do that?" She shook her head, still disgusted over it.

"I don't know," Gibbs said softly. "But she needs to understand that Tony can't handle that right now…and he can't handle her getting upset when he doesn't want to be touched. There's lots of times he doesn't even want me to touch him. He's doing better…making lots of progress…but he's still struggling."

"Do you think you guys will ever come back to work?" Kate's voice was soft and she stared into her mug, afraid to meet the older man's eyes.

"Yes," Gibbs said firmly. "I think I will probably come back after the holidays are over. Tony…well I don't know when he'll be back, but I know he will be back. He wants it. He misses going to work, and he misses seeing all of you. He'll be back as soon as he's able."

xxx

Kate and Gibbs sat in the kitchen talking for close to an hour before Tony stirred. Gibbs was in the middle of telling Kate about the mouse in the basement the other night when he heard Tony moving around in the living room. He held up one finger. "Back in a minute," he said, disappearing down the hall.

Tony was still lying on the couch, but he'd kicked off the blankets. That had sapped most of his energy. He smiled weakly at Gibbs when he saw him coming from the kitchen.

"Hey," Tony croaked softly.

"Hey yourself," Gibbs said. "How you feeling?"

"A little less like I went trolling through the desert," Tony said softly. "What time is it?"

"It's just after four. Come on, Kate's here to see you."

Tony's eyes flashed with anxiety. "I don't…I don't think I wanna see anyone," he said quietly.

"Well she brought you some stuff…you should at least say hi and see what she brought you."

Tony's eyes narrowed. Gibbs sighed softly. "It's Kate Tony. She came by with some Gatorade, and she brought you some other stuff too. You don't have to visit for long. Just say hi. She gets it Tony. She understands that you're doing the best you can."

Tony nodded and immediately felt bad. Everyone was just trying to help. They weren't trying to make him nervous or uncomfortable. "Ok," he said softly. "For just a minute though."

He got up and he followed Gibbs to the kitchen. Kate was sitting at the table, a coffee cup in her hands and she smiled gently when she saw him.

"Hey Tony," she said softly.

"Hey Katie," Tony whispered back.

"Ducky asked me to bring you some Gatorade…I got the blue kind…I know it's what you usually drink when we're at the gym," Kate said softly. "How are you doing?" She eyed him carefully, her words sounding slightly hesitant.

Tony sank into the chair across the table from his friend. Gibbs sat down in the chair between them. "I'm doing ok," he said. "Some days are not so bad…some days I think I might almost be acting normal again," he shook his head and chuckled sadly, a soft puff of air escaping his lips. "Other days…" he shrugged one shoulder, "Other days aren't the best."

Kate was quiet for a long time. Tony's eyes were on his lap for a bit, but eventually he raised them, curious about her lack of response. His eyes widened when he saw the look of admiration mixed with pain on her face. She realized he was looking at her and blinked. "Sorry," she whispered, trailing off into a nervous chuckle. "I didn't mean to stare but…Tony you've been through something that…and you're coming out of it…and now you're healing…that must be so difficult," she said. Her voice was not judging or teasing—she meant every word of it. "I'm just…so sorry you've had to go through this," she said after a long moment's pause.

Tony shrugged one shoulder again, and his cheeks began to flush pink with embarrassment. "Not your fault," he said softly, awkwardly.

Kate nodded. "I know," she said. "But it's my job to point out what an amazing job you're doing. You're probably going to have tough days here and there, but the important thing is to focus on the good stuff." She smiled. "And it's my job to make it as easy on you as possible."

Tony raised an eyebrow and looked nervously to Gibbs for help. Kate noticed. "I need you to help me make this easier for you Tony," she said gently. "I need to know what the rules are."

"Rules?" Tony's voice squeaked a bit when he spoke.

Kate smiled. "Sure. I need to know what you need from me—what can I do to help you?"

Tony's hand rose to the back of his neck and he rubbed it, trying to stave off the headache that was trying to come back. Gibbs recognized the move and immediately got up and poured Tony some of the blue drink that Kate had gotten for him. He set the cup down in front of Tony who wrapped his fingers around it, but didn't drink.

"I guess…probably the biggest thing…" Tony's voice was barely a whisper and his eyes were on the juice in the cup. "Please don't touch me," he said softly.

Kate blinked and folded her hands on the table. "I can do that," she said. "I will let you tell me when it's alright to touch, ok?" Kate wasn't a very touchy-feely person to start with. This would be an easy thing for her to do for her friend.

"Thanks," Tony whispered.

"Can you drink some of the juice Tony?" Gibbs' voice was soft. It was the first time he'd spoken in several minutes. "Don't want you getting dehydrated again."

Tony nodded and took a slow sip of the juice.

"What else Tony," Kate said. "What other rules?"

"I um…I don't like…I really can't handle surprises," Tony said, genuinely embarrassed this time.

Kate nodded, keeping her tone gentle. "Ok," she agreed. "How can we make sure we don't surprise you by accident?" She had such a clearer understanding of why Gibbs and Ducky had been acting so weird about Tony for the past couple of weeks. And the more she understood it, the worse she felt about how she'd behaved—barging into the house, sitting there while they were gone…they could have really upset Tony badly.

Tony slid back his chair. "I need a minute," he said, his breaths coming in short puffs. Gibbs eyed him carefully, as though silently asking if there was anything he could do.

"I can go Tony," Kate offered. "If you need a rest we can talk more later…"

"No!" Tony said, his voice loud and firm. "No," he said quieter, "please don't go yet…just stay…I just…I need a minute," he pleaded. He pushed himself up from the chair.

"I'll wait here," Kate said softly. She and Gibbs watched as Tony rushed out of the kitchen.

xxx

Tony rushed to the bathroom, determined to get his emotions under control. He stared at himself in the mirror for a long moment before running his hands over his face. His nails scratched at his skin a bit, and he let out a long, shaky breath.

"You're ok," he said softly to his reflection. "You're ok. It's just Kate. It's just coffee. You're ok."

But his gut rolled and he grimaced as he felt a cold sweat break out on his hairline. He took another shaky breath and could taste bile in his mouth, though he didn't throw up.

He needed to find a way to calm himself down. Tony took another slow, deep breath, and turned on the water. Maybe he'd splash some water on his face and it would help him relax. He ran his hands under the water and blinked hard when he thought about how long it'd been since he'd washed, really washed, his hands. He furiously pumped some soap into his hands and scrubbed them. He opened the drawer beside the sink and pulled out the brush he used to scrub his nails, and began scrubbing his hands hard with it.

When he was satisfied that his hands were clean, Tony cupped his hands under the flow of cool water and splashed it over his face. The water felt wonderful, refreshing and cleansing. He pumped more soap into his hands, taking no notice that he was not using his usual, gentle facial cleansing soap, but rather was using the harsh hand soap with the microbeads in it designed for deep cleaning.

Tony felt the burn of the soap when he accidentally got it in one of his eyes and he stopped. He looked at his hands, covered in soap, and he glanced up at his face, also covered in soap. How long had he been washing? He looked quickly to the window and saw that it was still daylight, so maybe not that long. He pushed his hands under the water and quickly rinsed them and then cupped more water in his hands and rinsed his face. He shut off the faucet and grabbed a small towel out of the cabinet. He wiped his face furiously with it and then nonchalantly tossed it into the trash can. It was habit to do that now; he didn't even think about it.

The mirror hung in front of him and Tony stared at himself for a long moment. "You need to suck it up," he growled at his reflection. "You need to go out there, and you need to talk to Kate. You need to show her that you're still you." He bit his lip and put his hand on the mirror, touching his cheek in the reflection. "You're still you," he whispered.

He closed his eyes and turned away from the mirror. Tony grabbed the door handle and rushed out of the bathroom.

xxx

Gibbs and Kate had sat, mostly quietly, at the kitchen table, waiting to see what Tony would do. Gibbs tried not to stare at the clock, but seemed unable to look away as a quarter hour passed. A couple of minutes after Tony rushed out of the room, Kate had looked to her boss and her words were quiet. "Should I leave, Gibbs?"

The team leader smiled at his profiler, and shook his head. "I think let's give him a few minutes and see how he does," he said. "Might surprise us. He talked like he wants to come back and talk to you some more." Kate had nodded at that and no other words were spoken.

Gibbs face lightened a bit when he heard the bathroom door open. A moment later Tony rushed into the room, stopping in the doorway. He looked horrible, hair wet and in disarray, his cheeks flushed pink with light scratches on his face, and his breath coming in harsh gasps. But his eyes were not tearful, and he didn't have that chalky paleness he usually got whenever he threw up.

"Ok Tony?" Gibbs asked softly.

"I'm ok," Tony whispered. "I'm ok. I'm ok. I need to sit," he said, moving shakily to a nearby chair. Gibbs slid his drink over to him. Tony picked it up and took three small sips in quick succession.

Kate remained in her seat and remained quiet. She could see how shaken Tony was and knew she needed to let him take the lead here. She had so much newfound respect for her friend—he really was one of the strongest people that she knew. It broke her heart that it took something horrible like this to bring that strength out into the spotlight—to create such a situation that his strength was the only thing that you could see. Right now there was nothing else—only the fight to survive.

Tony noticed that he was being watched by his two companions. He smiled uneasily. "Hey Katie, thanks for coming over," he said.

Kate nodded. "You're welcome Tony. I'm glad to see you. I've missed you."

Wrong thing to say. Tony ran a shaky hand through his hair. "I know," he said softly. "I know," a bit louder now. "It's just been so hard…I mean some days I can barely stand Gibbs ya know?" he looked uneasily at Gibbs who rolled his eyes good naturedly—playing right along with Tony. The younger man was trying to lighten the situation a bit, take some of the burden off of Kate.

"Well Ducky asked me to bring you some gatorade…and while I was at the store I saw some other stuff, so I grabbed it too," Kate said. "I wasn't planning to stay long," she said gently with an easy smile. "I want this to be something you are ok with."

Tony nodded and rested his elbows on the table. "I'm ok with it. I really am." He took a deep breath and forced a smile onto his face. "So what all'd you bring me?"

xxx

Tony was thrilled with the ice cream, excited to have some, but deciding to wait until later—"so I don't embarrass myself"—and when he saw the new pack of pencils and the sketch pad he smiled introspectively.

"Draw something not work related," Kate said with a casual shrug. "I know you enjoy it." Tony nodded at her suggestion.

Finally he noticed the funky bamboo plant that Gibbs had placed on the kitchen counter. "What's that," he wondered.

"Oh that," Kate said sheepishly. "Well…I thought it was kind of interesting…kind of funky…and it's bamboo so it has a special meaning." She shrugged, suddenly uncomfortable at the scrutiny her gift was receiving. Maybe she was wrong to get it. She watched silently as Tony rose and walked over to the plant. He ran his fingers lightly over the glossed porcelain pot and then fingered a couple of the leaves very gently.

"It's beautiful," Tony breathed softly. "I love it." He turned and smiled at Kate. He picked it up and carried it back to the table with him. "You said bamboo has a special meaning," he commented as he sat down. Kate nodded. "What is it?"

Kate blushed slightly. "I read about it in college," she said softly. She glanced up and saw that Gibbs and Tony both were listening with rapt attention, eager to hear about why she'd selected this particular gift for Tony to receive. "Bamboo has several different meanings throughout Asia," she said. "I took a class on Asian cultures in college…in China, bamboo is a symbol of longevity. In India, bamboo is a sign of friendship." Kate smiled at Tony. "In Japan it is believed that bamboo can provide sacred protection from evil spirits," she blushed more as she continued reciting what she had learned. "The Vietnamese believe that bamboo is representative of the soul, usually representing hard work, optimism, and adaptability."

She looked at her two friends. "Maybe it's silly," she said. "But when I thought about…the things you told us the other day, and when I saw this plant…" she shrugged, "it just made sense for me to get you one Tony. I think it's a beautiful plant, and it has so many different meanings…and well…I guess I hoped it would cheer you up a bit." She stared at the table top, unable to meet her friends' eyes.

Her heart sank when she heard Tony push back his chair and stand up. She waited several moments before looking up, and saw that Tony was standing at the counter. He turned on the water and filled up a cup and then opened up the cabinet and took something out, though at the angle she was sitting she couldn't tell what it was. She looked at Gibbs who looked relaxed, unconcerned about what Tony was doing behind him.

She smiled when Tony turned, and set three bowls down on the table. He carefully poured the small cup of water into the plant's pot and sat down, passing a bowl of ice cream to each person.

Kate looked up at Tony and smiled, and Tony smiled back, shyly, but didn't say anything. Instead the three companions picked up their spoons and began to eat their frozen treat. Gibbs glanced over at his partner and saw the relaxed set of his shoulders and the smile of pleasure that crossed his features whenever he tasted the ice cream.

The older man decided that was the best gift Kate had brought them that afternoon. With a small smile, he licked his spoon clean and scooped up another bite. He knew the nightmares would likely come back, and that his partner was far from "back to normal," but he also knew that he was making strides in his recovery. Tony was getting better all the time, and Gibbs couldn't ask for anything better than that.

xxx

Gibbs blinked his eyes open. He squinted at the clock and frowned. It was just after 1am. Why was he awake? What woke him up? He rolled over and realized two things. Firstly, he was on top of the covers (his turn to sleep on top of them) and he was freezing. Secondly, he was freezing for no good reason—Tony wasn't in the bed. He heard a sound and pushed himself up on an elbow, squinting in the darkness.

Tony was sitting in the chair in the corner of the room. His sketch pad was in his lap and he was scribbling furiously on it. Occasionally he would make a frustrated sound and Gibbs could hear the eraser scratching across the page.

"Tony?"

The younger man looked up. "Yeah?"

"What're ya doin?"

Tony stared at him for a long moment in the dark room. "Drawing?" he finally said weakly.

The older man yawned. "Come to bed Sweetheart, it's…one in the morning." Gibbs dropped back down.

He was almost asleep again when he heard the quiet curse. "Dammit," Tony whispered in the darkness, "stoppit…dammit." Gibb heard the sound of the sketch pad hitting the floor and sat up.

Gibbs turned on the lamp and sat up. Tony was curled in the chair, his hands wrapped around the back of his head now and rocking back and forth. His knees were tucked up to his chin and his head rested down on them. His entire body was trembling.

"Tony?" Gibbs slid off the bed and slowly approached him. He kept his hands up to show he wasn't going to hurt him, and he kept his voice toned low. "What's going on honey? You ok?"

Tony ran his hands up and down his arms and didn't lift his face from his knees. "Oh God," Tony whispered. He gagged and suddenly was struggling to untwist himself from the chair. "God," he whispered, choking on the word.

"Can I help you Tony?" Gibbs asked softly, moving closer to Tony.

Tony gagged again and nodded. Jethro helped him to his feet and together they raced for the bathroom. Tony stopped though, once he got into the small room with the harsh, bright lighting. He blinked and his breaths came in short gasps. Gibbs looked at him. "Ok Tony? You with me?"

Tony stared at his partner for a long moment, and then turned and stared at his reflection in the mirror. "I'm ok," he whispered. "I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm good. Jethro. I'm good. I'm with you." He visibly shuddered. "Oh God," he turned and buried his face against Jethro's shoulder, breathing in his scent, fingers clawing into Gibbs' t-shirt. "Ohhhh God…oh Jesus, ohhhh shit Jethro," he breathed.

Gibbs wrapped his arms around Tony's shoulders and returned the embrace, albeit much gentler than Tony's. "It's ok Tony," he whispered into his partner's hair. "I've got you. We're home. We're safe. You're safe. Nothing can touch you here. Nothing can hurt you here. Shhhh let's head to bed, yeah?"

"Nooo," Tony moaned. "Need to finish it. Have to finish it. Have to…have to see…what I'm forgetting…it's…it's just at the tip of my mind…I can almost see it…just have to finish it."

"Talk it out babe. C'mon, let's go back to the bedroom. You gonna be sick?" Tony shook his head. Gibbs nodded. "Let's go. I've got you c'mon. Let me help you." Together they made their way to the bed where Gibbs helped Tony sit.

"W-Will…hand me that sketch pad, will ya, Jet?" Tony asked softly. He ran an exhausted hand over his face while Jethro turned and picked up the sketch pad.

Gibbs glanced at the drawing more out of habit than nosiness. His eyes widened at the scene that was coming to light on the paper. He looked up at Tony. "Tony…is this…"

"I can't get them out of my head," Tony whispered. "I keep seeing things, flashes…images…and I can't get them to stop…and I can't…I don't really remember…I thought maybe…maybe if I drew them…" he shrugged one shoulder.

Gibbs sat down beside Tony and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. He could tell Tony was exhausted, but he knew what it was like to have the inability to shut down your brain and go to sleep. He knew what it was like to be haunted by half memories, and half images…trying to understand their meaning. It was maddening.

Lifting the pictures again, Gibbs stared at it. "Did you draw this from the view you had?"

Tony looked at the picture for a long moment, soothed a bit by the warm strength of the arm surrounding him. "He didn't know I was still awake…I'm not sure I was," Tony whispered. "I don't think he intended me to see it. I couldn't move though…couldn't speak, couldn't think…I was just…stuck. And I had to watch…watched it happen…couldn't stop it…"

Gibbs glanced at Tony whose gaze was glued to the picture. "Gibbs," Tony breathed. "I'm a federal agent…how could…how could I not have stopped that? How did I just…lie there…and watch?"

"Tony you said yourself you were drugged. There was nothing you could have done. I'm just glad it wasn't you," Gibbs said and pulled Tony closer. Tony clung to him and several stray tears leaked out of his eyes. Gibbs hugged him tightly. "I'm so damn glad you're safe," he murmured into Tony's hair.

He urged Tony up and helped him into bed. The young man was exhausted, worn out, and this time, thankfully, fell asleep almost instantly. Gibbs sat beside him until he was sure Tony was asleep and then he stood up. He walked to the end of the bed and picked up the sketch Tony had done. Despite its goriness, it was a beautiful drawing, detailed, and neat. Tony was quite an artist.

It worried Gibbs though. The image on the page worried him. He glanced back at Tony who was still asleep, before looking again to the drawing. Tony had witnessed Lane's murder. The drawing showed clearly that Jeffrey had attacked him from the back—just as Ducky had guessed. And Tony saw the whole thing. Gibbs shuddered at the thought of what Jeffrey would have done if he'd known Tony had witnessed it. But Jeffrey was dead and he couldn't hurt either of them now. Neither could Lane.

Gibbs laid the picture face down on the dresser and then climbed back onto the bed. His gut was churning, and he wondered what else Tony's brain might remember. He wondered what other frightening images hadn't worked their way to the surface yet.

Tony rolled over in his sleep and rested his head near Gibbs' shoulder. Not touching, but close enough to catch his scent, feel his warmth. Gibbs smiled at him, but did not touch him. He didn't want to disturb his lover, not now when he was finally resting peacefully. Getting the image out of his head and onto the paper seemed to have helped.

Well. It helped Tony.

Gibbs let out a long breath, and stared at the ceiling until morning.

TBC…


	21. I'm Sorry

**Warning**: This opening nightmare sequence might be a bit disturbing to some readers. Violent, gory content. You can skip it—just scroll down until the italic font goes away!

_Thanks as always to my wonderful friend who is reading this story before I post it, and being brave enough to share her story with me. You are truly inspiring!_

**No Chains Holding Me  
><strong>**Chapter 21: I'm Sorry**

_They had to hurry, and Gibbs was continuously barking orders, telling his crew to move faster, to press on harder, but he couldn't put his finger on what it was they were after. All Gibbs knew was he had this unrelenting sense of urgency that he needed to keep moving. The team was prowling through a forested area with heavy foliage and many trees around. Gibbs glanced over his shoulder and could see each member of his team—Kate, McGee, Palmer, Abby, and Ducky following close behind him. He glanced a bit further back and he saw another man walking behind them…shorter, stockier built, but somehow familiar. He glanced over his other shoulder…where was Tony?_

_Suddenly the man in the back looked up and waved his arm frantically. There was a set of handcuffs dangling from his wrist. Quick as a flash, he saw a knife blade glisten in the sunlight and then McGee fell to the ground. Before he could react, Kate, Ducky, and Palmer met similar fates, each of them dropping to the ground, neat slices across their throats._

_Gibbs stopped running and turned around, facing Jeffrey White head on. "Where's Tony," he growled. He realized then that the team was searching for Tony—he wasn't among them._

_Jeffrey White smiled, and there was something truly evil—absolutely demonic about his expression. "Why Agent Gibbs," he said, smooth as silk, "Your beloved Tony—correction, _my_ beloved Tony, is right behind you!"_

_And Gibbs turned around then, and realized he was standing just out back of a rustic cabin. On the ground, right at his feet, was the body of a man. His green eyes stared sightlessly at the sky, a huge cut sliced neatly right across the front of his throat. Tony's expression did not change, and his eyes did not move, but as Gibbs stared at him, Tony's voice spoke softly, eerily, and it thundered in Gibbs' ears. _

"_This is your fault Jethro…you weren't watching my six and look at what happened…I thought you loved me…"_

_Gibbs closed his eyes and turned away, unable to contain the remorse he felt, and the guilt he felt for his part in all of this. When he opened his eyes again, he was standing in a parking lot. A faded blue sedan sat in front of him and he drew his gun and raced towards it. There was blood along the back window, just as it should be, but as he approached the driver's side, he could see there was blood there too. _

_Suddenly, the back window slowly lowered itself—as though being cranked open—and Jeffrey smiled out at him, bullet hole in his forehead. "Hi Agent Gibbs!" his voice was so cheerful. "You're too late to save him," he said matter-of-factly. "But your boy's a good shot. He got lucky." Without another word, Jeffrey laid down on the seat—in the exact position that Gibbs had discovered him in when he walked up to the car that day. Using a handkerchief, the senior agent reached out and pulled the driver door open. _

_Tony's head rolled out onto the sidewalk and stopped at his feet. Two lifeless green eyes stared accusingly up at him…_

xxx

Tony was sitting on the back steps outside. He'd jerked awake half an hour earlier and was so shaken by an image that he couldn't recall now that he'd been unable to go back to sleep. So he'd eased himself out of bed and headed down the stairs. Tony stopped by the refrigerator and got his bottle of chocolate milk and took a sip of it. The chocolate went down smooth and easy and Tony let out a shaky breath. His chest felt slightly constricted and he thought maybe going outside to get some air might help him calm down.

Shivering in the cold December night, Tony sat down on the back steps and tried to get himself under control. It'd been a couple of weeks since Kate had come to visit and in that time, Tony had drawn his way through three sketch pads. He'd shaken multiple details and memories loose, some leaving him cowering in the shower until the hot water was gone, others bringing tears of pain and some of relief. He'd shown nearly all of his drawings to Cheryl and together they were beginning to make sense of some of his more confusing memories.

Sitting out on the steps, Tony casually sipped his drink and took in all of the sights and sounds around him. It had snowed the day before, a wet, thick snow that covered everything under several inches of slushy whiteness. He'd been out there for a while when he heard a noise. Tony could tell by the sky that dawn was still hours away, and he wondered what the sound was. Was Jethro awake? Was he alright? A tinge of fear twisted his gut…was someone else in the house?

xxx

Gibbs sat up in bed with a gasp. His heart was pounding and a light sheen of perspiration coated his body. He could feel the sweat running across his scalp and he shivered involuntarily. He ran a hand over his face and looked around. The clock displayed the 4:17 in bright red numbers and Gibbs swallowed hard. It was only a dream, wasn't it?

Still trying to shake off the dream, he turned to look at the other side of the bed, and his heart nearly stopped when he realized that Tony was not in bed with him. Gibbs nearly fell trying to get off the bed and it took him two heavy steps to regain his footing.

Running to the bathroom, he groaned; Tony wasn't there. But hadn't he known that? The lights were off. He raced down the steps—stumbling again and nearly falling down the stairs. He raced into the living room and didn't see Tony on the couch as he sometimes did. Where the hell was he? Could he have gone to the basement? He ran to the door and flung it open, only to find it dark and unoccupied.

Jethro stopped in the doorway to the basement then, regrouping and thinking. He ran a hand over his face. Where the hell was Tony?

xxx

Several more strange sounds filtered through the house and out to Tony's ears. Letting out a long breath, Tony stood up. He needed to go back inside—it was too cold out here, but he wasn't sure he felt safe to go back inside…he put his hand on the doorknob and was just preparing to open the door when it was suddenly ripped from his hand and flung wide.

Tony shrieked in terror, stumbling back. He slipped on the slick step and nearly fell off the porch—landed hard on his knees—but two strong arms wrapped around him, preventing him from falling further and holding him safely.

"I gotcha, it's ok now I gotcha now. Ok Tony?" He pulled back, releasing his partner from the embrace to look at him.

Tony blinked and looked around, realizing he'd dropped his bottle. "Gibbs? Jethro? What are ya doing?"

Gibbs didn't answer. He was so relieved to find Tony alright—_alive!_—albeit confused—_and alive!_—that he grabbed his partner and bundled him into another safe, warm, all encompassing embrace. Tony could feel the slight trembling in his partner's limbs, and he wondered what had happened.

"You were making enough noise to wake the dead, Jethro," Tony said softly, not fighting the embrace. He was cold, and Gibbs felt deliciously warm around him. He yawned suddenly.

"Let's get you inside. Christ you're freezing! What the hell were you doing outside?" Gibbs fired off question after question at him, without giving him time to answer. He rubbed his hands frantically up and down Tony's arms in an attempt to warm him.

"I had a dream," Tony whispered. "Couldn't remember it, but felt kinda unsettled. I was about to come back in…heard these weird noises inside…"

Gibbs helped him slowly to his feet and they each wobbled a bit and struggled to gain their balance. "I didn't mean to startle you," Gibbs said softly, contritely. "I wouldn't scare you for the world." He felt like the biggest heel in the world for scaring Tony. Poor guy had it hard enough without Gibbs making it worse.

"It's alright Jethro…but what had you so worked up? You came flying out of the house like the Devil himself was chasin' ya. Are you ok?"

Gibbs nodded. "I just…was worried. Woke up…and when I saw you were gone…well I got kinda…concerned," he said lamely. It wasn't untrue, but he wasn't going to give up information about his own nightmare. Tony had enough on his plate without having to worry about that. And as long as it was feasibly possible, unless he was asked point blank about his nightmares, Gibbs was not planning to tell Tony about it at all. "Wanna try to sleep some more?" he asked.

Tony nodded. "'m tired," he said quietly. He'd made great strides over the past couple of weeks—had even gone to the grocery store with Jethro to pick up a gallon of milk. He'd done exceptionally well until someone had bumped him from behind in the checkout line. That sent Tony scuttling to the car, nearly panicking, but managing to hold it together. They'd gone to the hospital and gotten Tony's first round of test results back. Tony was thankfully still showing up illness free, and was due back in January for more blood tests. But he was still not sleeping well, waking up in the night more often than not, frightened by the images that played in his mind's eye while he slept. There hadn't been anymore scares with Tony getting dehydrated; he almost constantly kept a bottle of something with him now.

"C'mon babe," Gibbs said softly, arm securely wrapped around his lover's shoulders. "Let's go back to bed. Cold out here and still early."

Upstairs Jethro pulled the covers back and Tony shook his head. "Your turn under the covers," Tony whispered.

Jethro held the covers up more insistently. "I didn't sit outside in the snow," he said. "It's alright Tony. I have a blanket too. I'll be fine."

Tony reluctantly crawled under the covers, but a moment later shivered in pleasure when the warmth began to seep in. Gibbs walked to the closet and got the heated electric blanket out and plugged it in. It was large enough to cover the entire bed, so he spread it over both of them, and crawled under it. Gibbs' last thought before he drifted off to sleep, was the idea that he should call Cheryl and set up another appointment. He'd dropped back to speaking to her individually every two weeks, unlike Tony who was still going three times a week and having joint sessions with Jethro on two of those sessions. Making a plan to call her when he woke up in the morning, he drifted off to sleep.

Next to him, Tony laid awake. Something was up with Jethro, and he wasn't telling Tony what it was. He figured the older man was getting tired of him, tired of his burden, tired of his plight in life. He sighed softly in the darkness, being careful not to wake Jethro.

Maybe he should just go back to his apartment and let Jethro have some peace.

xxx

_Need to set up an appointment with you ASAP_

That's what the text message Cheryl received from Jethro Gibbs said as she stood in line at the coffee shop the next morning. She frowned when she read it, sensing the urgency behind it.

_For Tony?_

She wondered what had happened that had the man in such a wound up state. Her eyes widened when, a moment later, she received his reply.

_No. Me. I need help._

Cheryl frowned and pulled up her calendar on her phone. She clicked through and looked at her day, smiling when she saw an opening. Returning to the text message she'd received she quickly fired off a reply.

_Can you be in my office in an hour and a half?_

xxx

Tony was still asleep when Jethro hurried into the bathroom, coffee cup in hand, to grab a quick shower and shave before his appointment. When he came out, Tony wasn't in bed anymore, so he quickly finished dressing—simple jeans and sweatshirts these days were spoiling him in comfort—and hurried downstairs.

Tony was sitting at the table in the kitchen. His back was to the wall (as it usually stayed these days) and he was staring into his coffee cup as intently as though he were expecting it to tell him something. Gibbs grabbed his travel mug off the top shelf of the cupboard and filled it. He took a long, gratifying sip, and smiled. He had a few minutes before he had to leave for his appointment, so he sat down with Tony.

"Morning," he said softly.

"Hey," Tony whispered. He didn't look up.

"How'd you sleep? After we went back to bed," Gibbs asked gently. "Looked like you were sleeping pretty soundly when I woke up."

"Yeah I slept ok," Tony said.

Jethro's gut tingled a bit. Something was up with Tony. He was being quiet—even quiet for his new state of quietness. He looked at Tony, but Tony didn't look up at him, eyes still fixed on his coffee.

"You alright? Kinda quiet this morning," the older man commented.

Tony nodded. "I'm fine," he said with a casual shrug, eyes still on the cup.

"Are you sure? You seem like something's bothering you."

This time Tony did look up. "You know I'm a grown man right? I can take care of myself right? If I say I'm fine then I think by now I should be able to gauge if I'm really fine or not, _right_?" he snapped.

Gibbs raised his eyebrows. "I know that," he agreed. "I was just concerned. I have an appointment this morning and was going to see if you'd like to ride with me."

Now Tony felt like a bastard. Gibbs was only trying to help. "Sorry," he said softly, "What appointment do you have?"

"I'm meeting with Cheryl," Gibbs said quietly.

Tony's eyes widened. "Why? What's wrong? Are you ok?"

"I'm fine," Jethro said evenly, spitting Tony's own words right back to him. He wasn't fine (anymore than Tony was), he was frustrated to hell with himself for his nightmares and his seeming inability to work through them on his own. He was tired and when he got tired he got frustrated, and sometimes Tony could be absolutely infuriating when he was feeling tired and frustrated.

The older man stood up and picked up his keys off of the hook on the wall. "If you'd like to come you're welcome to. Otherwise…I can call someone to come over if you prefer? Or you can stay here by yourself?"

Tony hesitated. "I'll stay here by myself," he whispered finally.

Gibbs nodded once then crossed the room to him. He pressed a firm kiss to Tony's forehead and tapped him once on the cheek. "Back soon," he said softly.

Tony flinched when he heard the door close. Then he rose to his feet. Now was his opportunity. Now he could get out of here and give Gibbs the space he so obviously wanted.

xxx

"So what's going on with you Jethro?" Cheryl asked. She was perched in her wingback chair and her notepad was resting on her lap. In her hands was a steaming cup of coffee. Jethro held a similar cup in his own hands, sitting on the couch.

"Keep having nightmares," he said softly. He hated that he was being so weak and actually admitting that he needed to talk to someone about this, but he felt he had no other alternative. Tony needed him to be strong…and that required that he at least get _some_ sleep.

"What are your nightmares about?"

Gibbs sighed. "I keep dreaming about what happened. With Tony. Only it's different. Every time I close my eyes…he dies. I dreamed I found him dead at the cabin. Dreamed White killed my whole team. Dreamed the bastard decapitated Tony and when I open the door to the car his…" he shuddered, "his head rolls out onto the pavement. And he's always whispering to me how I failed him, how I didn't watch his six, how I don't love him."

He looked up at Cheryl whose brow was furrowed with concentration. "It's driving me insane," he said seriously. "I can't sleep, it's awful."

"Have you talked to Tony about any of this?"

Gibbs shook his head. "Hell no! He's got enough to handle on his own right now without me throwing a pity party on top of it."

"I think it would make him feel better to know that you are affected by this," Cheryl said gently. "I think you should talk to him about it—either at home, or during one of our joint sessions. I'd be happy to facilitate that conversation if you need me to."

"I think I can do it," Gibbs said. "I just…he's doing so well, and he's making so much progress…" his chest puffed up with pride, "He even went to the grocery store last weekend with me. We only bought a gallon of milk, but he didn't really freak out in the store. He got bumped from behind once while we were standing in line, and it made him nervous. But rather than causing a scene he just quietly said he was going to go wait in the car. He didn't lose it, didn't freak out. I am so proud of him! I don't want to cause him any setbacks," he said softly. "He doesn't need my shit too."

"But he does," Cheryl said imploringly. "You're partners—you share your shit," she smiled at him when he raised an eyebrow. "That's what that means! It means when it gets hard you work on it together. And this…Gibbs I don't need to tell you that a situation like this is straining on a relationship. You cannot have a double standard. If you expect Tony to tell you when something is bothering him, then you have to be willing to do the same."

Gibbs thought about what she said. She was smart, he'd give her that. But more than smart…dammit she was right too. Gibbs thought back over the night before when he'd blown off his own nightmare. He thought of how stiff Tony had been since then, and how distant he'd been at the breakfast table. He knew something was bothering Tony. Could it be the fact that Tony knew something was bothering him and he hadn't said anything?

"Is there anything else you want to talk about Gibbs? Since you're already here?"

Gibbs took a deep breath and nodded. "Yeah…and it's…I think it's kind of stupid…but I dunno…"

Cheryl raised an eyebrow and didn't say a word, waiting him out.

He let out a long breath. "I keep getting these…urges," he said, his face tinting with embarrassment. "I usually try to hide it—and usually get it done—but a couple of times…well Tony's noticed."

"What sort of urges?"

Gibbs sighed. Christ was he _really_ talking about this? "I um…well I get…turned on," he said uncomfortably. Yep, he was really talking about this.

Cheryl nodded. "Ah I see. Well that's good! How does Tony react?"

"Well the first time…he seemed surprised by it. I was coming into the room and he was drinking something and it just kinda…happened…and I didn't even realize it at first." He blushed more, eyes on his lap. "Other times…well like I said I usually try to hide it. But…it…"

"But you still are attracted to him and you miss touching him and you miss feeling him and you miss connecting with him on that level," Cheryl said.

Gibbs opened his mouth, but then closed it back. He nodded. "Yes," he whispered. "I miss him so much. And sometimes he'll let me touch him—his shoulder or his back, he'll hold my hand or I'll kiss him on the forehead…and it's nice…but it's not the same. I want it all back. And I know that's wrong and I know that's selfish, and I know that he's not ready for that."

"Have you talked to him about it?"

"No I usually just end up apologizing for it and running away," Gibbs said, chuckling sadly at himself.

"Well Gibbs I don't think there's any reason to apologize to him. If nothing else, he should feel reassured that he still has that effect on you."

"Yeah he does," Gibbs said softly. "I just am so scared that I'm going to scare him. Last night he scared me. I had…that dream again…and I woke up and he was gone—not anywhere in the house! And it scared me so bad. He was outside on the back porch and just as I opened the door he was coming in and we startled each other. He nearly fell off the porch it scared him so badly. All I did was open the door! What the hell is he going to do if I open my pants?" Gibbs slapped himself in the forehead. "God I can't believe we're having this conversation."

"On the contrary, I was beginning to wonder when it would come up," Cheryl said with a gentle smile. "I think you need to be up front with him. Don't force him into anything, but if it comes up, make sure he understands that you still find him attractive. You still find him sexy. Because you do, don't you?"

"More than anyone else," Gibbs said softly. "I am crazy for him."

Cheryl smiled. "Then you need to make sure he knows that. And you need to talk to him about how you've been feeling and the dreams you've been having. Let him know you're proud of his progress, and let him know you're working through your feelings of guilt. He needs to know all of these things. Now if you'd rather do some of this with me in our joint session we can arrange that. But in the mean time, I think you should try to talk to him some on your own. He can handle it. I feel very confident that he can handle it."

Cheryl smiled and glanced at the clock. "Time's up," she said gently. They both stood up. "If you need me, call me. But I think you two are going to be just fine."

"Thanks Cheryl," Gibbs said softly. "I really appreciate it. And sorry about the short notice."

"It's not like we can plan when we have a crisis Gibbs. You're doing great. Just keep it up," she said encouragingly. "Call me if you need me."

xxx

Gibbs left Cheryl's office feeling better than he'd felt in days. Maybe he wasn't going crazy after all. He drove back home, and his eyes immediately narrowed when he pulled into the driveway. The downstairs lights were off. So were the upstairs lights. Gibbs wondered if Tony was asleep. It was the first time he'd been left on his own since the night he'd gotten so angry and run back to his apartment. That hadn't ended well at all—had resulted in Tony nearly killing himself.

He entered the house and frowned. There was no sign of Tony anywhere.

"Tony? Babe you here? I'm home!"

Gibbs went upstairs and looked for him, frowning when he saw Tony's coat was gone. Had he gone for a walk? In the snow? Was he alright? He hurried back down the stairs, pulling out his cell phone and dialing Tony's number. It rang to voicemail.

"Tony it's Gibbs. Give me a call sweetheart; let me know you're alright." He hung up the phone and walked to the kitchen. There, on the table, was a note. It was a small piece of paper and it had only two words written on it—in Tony's unmistakable handwriting.

_I'm sorry._

TBC…


	22. Desperation

**Warning: OOC **in this chapter. Just be warned. The emotions are finally catching up with them. Also brief thought of suicide, but it's nothing graphic, just a passing thought. But be warned it is in there.

_Thanks as always to my special brave friend for all your guidance—especially with this very tough chapter._

**No Chains Holding Me  
><strong>**Chapter 22: Desperation**

Gibbs drove carefully but quickly through the icy streets. He was heading for Tony's apartment. It was the most logical place for him to go. He pulled into the lot and parked the car and raced inside. He knocked frantically on Tony's door but received no answer. He pulled out his key and unlocked the knob lock. They hadn't fixed the slide lock since they'd left that night several weeks ago.

His heart sank when he realized that Tony wasn't there—and hadn't been there since that night it seemed. He quickly cleared the apartment and locked the door on his way back out. Getting in the car, he took a deep breath. Where could he have gone to? He pulled out his cell phone and called Ducky. Maybe something had happened to Tony while Gibbs was gone and he'd needed medical assistance. That would explain his absence, but not the note.

"Good morning Jethro," Ducky said cheerfully.

"Hiya Duck," Gibbs said. "Have you talked to Tony this morning?"

_"Tony? No Jethro I haven't spoken to him in several days. Why do you ask; is everything alright?"_

"I went to an appointment with Cheryl this morning, and he said he'd stay at the house by himself…but I got back and he's gone and his coat's gone, and he left a note on the table saying 'I'm sorry.' And now I can't find him—he isn't at his apartment and he isn't answering his phone. He was acting weird this morning, like something was bothering him."

Ducky heard the sound of a hand slapping a steering wheel. _"Try to remain calm Jethro,"_ Ducky said soothingly, although he was concerned himself. _"I do believe there will be a logical explanation for all of this. You said you rang his cell phone and he didn't answer."_

"That's right," Gibbs said.

"_Did it go straight to voicemail, as though his phone is turned off? Or did it ring until his voicemail answered it?"_

"It rang through to voicemail. His phone's not turned off."

"_Then might I suggest having someone, perhaps Caitlyn, trace his number?"_

"Good idea Duck. I'll keep ya posted." Gibbs hung up the phone and dialed Kate's number wondering why he hadn't thought of that.

"_Kate Todd,"_ she said briskly into the phone.

"Need your help," Gibbs said.

"_What's up?"_

"I need you to trace Tony's cell phone for me."

"_Did you lose Tony, Boss?"_ There was no mistaking the smile in her voice.

"He left while I was at an appointment and isn't answering his phone."

"_Maybe he just went for a walk or something?"_ Gibbs could hear her typing in the background. _"Oh…" _

"What OH?" Gibbs barked into the phone. "What the hell is it?"

"_Tony's phone is in your front yard,"_ Kate said softly. _"I wonder if he dropped it."_

"I'll go to the house again and see," Gibbs said. "Keep me posted." He hung up the phone. A moment later he flipped the phone open and dialed another number.

"_Hi Gibbs! I have to say I didn't expect to hear from you so soon,"_ Cheryl's voice lilted through the phone.

"Have you talked to Tony?" he asked without preamble. He was beginning to panic and he could not panic; he had to keep his head. He had to focus.

"_No Gibbs…I haven't talked to Tony since our session the other day,"_ Cheryl said. _"Why?"_

Gibbs let out a long breath and ran a hand over his forehead. "This morning…he seemed kinda weird…he was really quiet and kind of snappish. He decided he wanted to stay home alone while I came to my appointment with you, but when I got back…" tears began to fill Jethro's eyes and he pulled the car off to the side of the road. He pressed his thumb and index finger to the bridge of his nose and squeezed, fighting back the emotion. "When I got back he was gone. His coat is gone and he left a note that said 'I'm sorry' on the kitchen table. He dropped his phone in the front yard and I'm…" the tears were back in full force, "Oh God what am I gonna do if something happens to him," Gibbs breathed.

"_Ok first things first. You've got to calm down. I know you're worried, but losing it isn't going to help." _

Gibbs took a deep breath and once again regained control. "I know," he said softly.

"_Is it possible he's gone for a walk or something?"_

"I checked the park and the coffee shop down the street. He isn't in any of his usual haunts. I checked his apartment too."

"_Sounds like he doesn't want to be found,"_ Cheryl mused to herself, wondering what was going through Tony's head.

"I can have Kate run a trace on his credit cards and accounts…if he uses one somewhere then I'll be able to track him…but Tony's an investigator, just like I am. He knows how to hide, because he knows what to look for."

"_What about his car? Where's his car?"_

Gibbs' eyes widened. "It's been at NCIS since all this started. I'll get someone to check if it's still there. If not I'll put a BOLO on it."

"_Now you're starting to think like an agent again,"_ Cheryl said. _"Keep your head Gibbs. I'll let you know if I hear from him ok?"_

"Cheryl…take care of him…if you hear from him…even if he doesn't want to come home, just…just please make sure he's ok," Gibbs whispered, his tenuous control wavering again.

"_I'm on it,"_ Cheryl said. _"Go find your boy."_

xxx

When Tony left Gibbs' house, he didn't have a solid plan. He left the note for Gibbs, which would immediately tell his partner that he was leaving under his own steam and not being abducted or anything like that (he hoped). He called NCIS and got one of the probies to deliver his mustang to Gibbs' house. The car had been parked in the lot, locked up and safe since before Tony had gone undercover.

The young agent delivered Tony's car to him and Tony thanked the kid and called him a cab to take him back to NCIS. Before getting behind the wheel of his beloved car, Tony had very carefully inspected every inch of it—the trunk, the seats, under the seats, behind the seats, anywhere a problem could be hidden. Satisfied that his car was safe, Tony slid behind the wheel, not noticing when his cell phone fell out of his pocket. He swallowed hard when the memory of Jeffrey forcing him to drive the blue sedan rose to the forefront of his mind, but he pushed it down. He didn't need to drive it far, only a few blocks.

Al's Auto Mart was probably one of the cheesiest used car dealerships in all of Washington DC. Tony hated himself for what he was about to do, but knew he needed cash and he needed it quickly. His mustang was in mint condition. It would draw top dollar—Tony would insist on it. He couldn't touch his bank accounts because he figured that the instant Gibbs realized he'd pulled a runner, he'd be all over them, tracing and watching every move he made. Tony wasn't ruling out the possibility of working things out with Gibbs, but he just wanted to give both of them some space—and give his partner the room to breathe that he was so obviously craving. He wasn't angry—if anything he was hurt, because Jethro wouldn't talk to him about what was going on inside his head.

Tony spoke with Al himself at the dealership and the man offered him only a fraction of the amount that he felt the car was worth. Deciding he could do better than Al's offer, Tony thanked him and slid back behind the wheel. He drove towards the edge of the city where he found a small dealership that had several cars similar to Tony's on the lot. Marvin, the dealership owner, was eager to shake the hand of the man who kept the mustang in such brilliant condition. He made Tony an offer he couldn't refuse, and a short time later, his beloved mustang had a For Sale sign in the window of it.

Tony trudged down the street to the bus stop and got on one of the A line buses. He didn't know where the bus was going, didn't know where _he_ was going. Just knew he needed to keep moving. He rode the bus to the end of the line and got off. He found himself in a less than desirable part of the city. The buildings were run down, paint was chipping off of the walls of most of the structures, and multicolored graffiti decorated everything from the cars to the buildings to the street and itself.

Two streets back from the A line bus stop, Tony found the small motel. The place was grungy enough that it didn't even have a business name on the sign outside—it merely had a marquis that read "MOTEL" on it. Tony took a deep breath and decided here was as good a place as any to hide. Besides, he'd screwed up; this would be a fitting punishment. He'd turned out exactly as his father had predicted many years earlier. Looking around, Tony decided that he had truly ended up in the gutter after all, just as his father had said he would.

xxx

Gibbs stood in his front yard and sighed when he saw the cell phone. It was lying in the snow, partially buried, and no longer in working order. He pulled out his own phone and called Kate.

"No good," Gibbs said when she answered. "I found his phone. Looks like it was dropped in the snow. It's dead."

"_Damn,"_ Kate muttered. _"Want me to put out a BOLO on him?"_

"Yeah go ahead…and check his accounts. I wanna know if he's even still in town." He snapped the phone shut without waiting for Kate's response and closed his eyes. He fought down the urge to throw himself into the snow and scream and cry out his frustrations. He had to keep his head. He had to find his partner. It was only two days before Christmas. After everything they'd been through…surely to God, Tony would come home for the holidays…wouldn't he?

xxx

Tony fought the urge to wave away the cloud of cigarette smoke that puffed in his direction.

"Dunno what a pretty boy like you is doing in a place like this," the woman, whose name tag said Tammy, said.

"Just needed some place warm to crash for a bit," Tony said with a small shiver. He'd always hated winter. And it felt like he'd been walking forever.

"Dunno how warm it'll be," she said. "Heat's been out for two days, but at least it won't snow on ya in here. Stay outta room 219 though…it's got a leaky roof, so it might snow on ya in there." She smiled at her humor.

Tony smiled weakly and nodded, handing her the cash for the room.

Tammy looked at him, a searching expression on her face. It was rare for her to see such classy looking people in her humble dwelling. "Getting' kinda close to the holidays honey," she said gently. "You got any family?"

Tony bristled. "No," he said quietly. _None that wants me. Especially now_. He took the key from Tammy and turned, leaving the motel lobby without another word.

xxx

After paying cash for his room and engaging in a less than happy conversation about his family with Tammy the clerk in the office behind the check in counter, Tony took his rusted key and headed towards the room that was his for the next few days. There was a girl standing at the bottom of the stairs, and it didn't take Tony long to figure out what she was up to.

"Hi Handsome," she said with a saucy smile. Oh she was good at what she did, even though her appearance left something to be desired. Her hair was rumpled and her makeup was smeared.

"Hi," Tony said softly, trying to get to the stairs. He just wanted to go to his room. The girl moved in front of him. Closer inspection told Tony she couldn't be more than 19 or 20 years old.

"You look like you are looking for something," the girl purred.

"Just heading to my room," Tony said softly. "Excuse me please."

The girl blocked his path again and put a hand on his chest. Tony stared at the hand touching him. Didn't she know he was dirty? That he ruined everything? That he would ruin her too?

"_I'm _looking for something," the girl said.

Tony swallowed hard. "What uh…what are you looking for?"

"I'm looking for a good time," she said and smiled up at him through heavy eyelids. Tony thought she could be a very pretty girl if she was able to catch a break. Get her hair done, her teeth fixed…some nice clothes. He tried not to wonder why this young girl had been sucked into such a life as this.

"Well I um…I hope you find what you're looking for," Tony said uncomfortably. "Have a good day." He pushed past her, taking care not to bump her too hard or step on her toes, and rushed up the stairs.

Upon arriving at the room on the second floor (he'd feared for his life on the rickety staircase), Tony had the sensation as he opened the door and turned on the light that the whole room had suddenly shifted. He blinked and squinted for a moment, and then he realized why. Bugs.

Tony closed the door behind him and locked it. He wasn't particularly thrilled that the little switch on the doorknob was the only lock on the door, but after glancing around, he understood it was really all that was necessary. Tony sat down listlessly onto one of the two wooden straightback chairs in the room. It looked like they were the only safe place to sit without getting crawled all over. He sat there for all of a minute before he sprang from the chair and walked to the dingy, cracked mirror over the dresser.

There was a stranger staring through the reflection at him; there was no way the person staring back at him was really Tony. His hair was unkempt—moreso than usual. There were dark circles under his eyes, which were swollen and puffy because he was so exhausted. The deep frown lines were working their way towards becoming permanent fixtures on his face.

"You're such a dumbass," Tony whispered to his reflection. "What the hell did you do that made Gibbs pull away so much? He swore to love you and stand by you, and you go and fuck it all up? Well that's _good work_ there, DiNozzo! God you are such a fuck up!" He turned away from the pathetic reflection of his new self and began pacing the room, hands in his hair. "All this time he's stood by you…all this time he's put up with your shit, not pressed you, hasn't forced you to do anything but talk to a damn shrink! And you go and…and fuck it all up!"

Tony was absolutely convinced that something was wrong with Gibbs and that it was his own fault.

"He's probably sick of your bullshit," Tony sneered at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. "You are such a pain in the ass—got to be so fucking difficult all the time," he berated himself. "Ever since…ever since…_it_ happened…you've been nothing but a spoiled brat! You deserve everything you're getting here! If the bugs decide to take you back to their leader and feast on you for dinner it'd be no less than what scum like you deserve!"

Tony continued yelling and fussing at himself until finally he dropped to his knees, exhausted. Tears flooded his vision and he covered his face with his hands. He missed Jethro's strong presence, missed his caring touches and gentle ways. Everyone thought he was such a tough, scary bastard, but Tony knew a different side to the ex-Marine. As much as he was a tough, scary bastard, he was also a thoughtful, caring partner. He missed their life. Missed the carefree nature their relationship used to have. He missed making love to Jethro and he missed kissing him and surprising him. He wanted that back. He wanted his fucking _life back_.

But now…sitting on the floor in this dingy, dark, cold hotel room (because Tammy was right—there was no heat to be had), Tony realized that he'd lost everything. He had nothing to live for. It was all just too screwed up, and he just couldn't imagine a way for it to ever get better. And as he sat there, he began to think to himself that maybe he didn't deserve for it to get any better. This—this cold, bug filled, dirty room—this was what he deserved. It was justice at its finest.

A thought flickered across his mind that he could just end it all. Just do it right here, right now, while there was no one around to stop him. But wouldn't that be taking the coward's way out? He'd earned this penance. This was his punishment for screwing up every good thing in his world…and by God he was going to make himself suffer for it—for as long as possible.

xxx

Gibbs was beginning to worry even more. Memories of how quiet and despondent Tony had been all morning were plaguing his mind, and the older agent couldn't shake the fear that this time…this time Tony might really do something stupid. He'd decided to go to work to start up a formal search for Tony. There was a probie who had gotten a severe talking to from Gibbs wanting every detail on what Tony had said, what time he'd called, what he'd wanted, when he called and spoke to the junior agent.

They'd put a BOLO out on Tony's car, and one on Tony as well. Gibbs had no idea what Tony was wearing, but he knew what Tony's coat had looked like, so he added that to the description. There were traces set up and ready to go if Tony utilized one of his bank accounts or credit cards, but Gibbs knew that was merely cautionary—Tony was smart enough not to get caught.

It was getting late in the afternoon when Gibbs' desk phone rang. He picked it up. "Yeah, Gibbs."

"_Uh…I'm calling about the missing federal agent,"_ a voice said, sounding a bit uncomfortable.

"Do you have information on it?" Gibbs asked. His gut tingled. This could be the break they'd been hoping all day for.

"_Well I saw that he is missing and that his car has also disappeared."_

"Yes, that's right. Tell me what you know."

"_I know he was in here earlier today. And he sold me his car. I run MD's Autos on Painter Street."_

Gibbs closed his eyes. "Can you tell me what sort of state he was in? Did he seem confused or agitated at all?"

The guy thought about it for a moment, and Gibbs could almost hear him shaking his head through the phone. _"He seemed upset…maybe depressed? But not really agitated and definitely not confused. He was only accepting top dollar for his car. And what a beauty it is. He kinda seemed like he had the whole weight of the world on his shoulders."_

"Did he have anyone with him?"

"_Nope, he was alone. He came in, sold me his car, thanked me, and hopped on the bus."_

Gibbs' ears perked up at that. "What bus? What time did he leave your dealership?" He waved frantically at McGee who immediately started pulling up bus schedules.

"_I'd say it was kinda early…maybe around 10:30 or so? He was a really nice guy. He isn't in trouble is he?"_

"No," Gibbs said softly. "He's just lost his way and needs someone to help him figure it all out. Is there a number I can reach you if I need more information?"

Marvin gave Gibbs his number. _"I hope you find him,"_ he said. _"He seemed like a good guy. Really, nice kid."_

"I hope so too," Gibbs said. "Hey will you do me a favor?"

"_Sure if I can."_

"That car…it's really important to my agent. He sold it in a moment of desperation. I'd like to buy it back from you for what you paid him for it."

There was a moment's pause. _"Sure Gibbs,"_ he said. _"I'll hold it for ya in the garage. Take it out of the lot and take the sign off of it. She's all yours."_

"Thanks. I'll be in touch," Gibbs said. He hung up the phone and looked at McGee. "Whaddya got McGee?"

xxx

They decided to look for places on the A Line where Tony might hide. Gibbs knew that he wouldn't have gone to any of the fancier hotels on the line because he didn't want to risk being recognized (Tony was no idiot, he had to know they'd be looking for him), and he didn't want to have to leave his name or pay for a room with an account.

McGee squinted his eyes at the computer. "Boss? It's kind of a long shot but…"

"Spit it out McGee," Gibbs snapped. His patience was gone and in its place was a fierce bitterness. He was absolutely exhausted. He hadn't heard from Cheryl.

"A-At the very end of the A Line bus…couple of blocks from the last stop…there's a motel. I don't think Tony would go there though…seems kinda…I dunno, not what Tony would usually go for."

"Gimme the address, McGee," he said. "I'll go check it out." Because Gibbs knew that if Tony didn't want to be found, the first place he'd go to is somewhere no one would think to look for him.

"It's not a nice neighborhood Boss," McGee said softly. "Just uh…watch out."

"Do you want one of us to go with you?" Kate asked. By now she was as worried about Tony as Gibbs was.

Gibbs looked at her for a long moment. "Yeah," he said softly. He couldn't handle it alone if he found something bad at this motel. "Yeah Kate, you're with me."

xxx

Tony blinked his eyes open. He was curled on the floor in the little motel room. He'd dropped to the floor earlier, upset and brokenhearted, and had apparently drifted into a restless sleep right in the middle of the floor. He sat up and rubbed his eyes, feeling a bit less morose than he had before. He reached for his phone in his pocket and froze.

"What the hell?" Tony muttered. "Where's my damn phone?" He patted his pockets down, but the phone was not with him. Had he dropped it in his car? At Gibbs? At the car lot? He needed that phone! It had all of his contacts in it. And right now he needed to call Cheryl. He figured Gibbs was looking for him, and he figured that he would have contacted Cheryl.

He picked himself up off the floor—Christ he was tired and felt like he'd been beaten—and walked over to the bed. He sat down on it and opened the nightstand drawer, breathing a sigh of relief when he saw the phone book there. The phone looked like it maybe had seen better days, and there was…something…dried on the receiver. It looked like…Tony shivered. It looked like he needed to wash the phone off before he could use it. He stood up and walked to the bathroom and got one of the semi-clean looking wash cloths and ran it under the lukewarm water (it was as hot as it would go). He returned to the phone and scrubbed it clean, trying not to think about what it might be. Satisfied that it was clean, he dialed the number he'd looked up.

"_Thank you for calling George Washington University's Psychology Department. If you know your party's extension please enter it at this time, followed by the pound key. If you do not know your party's extension, please listen carefully to the following options."_

Tony listened until he heard the name of Cheryl's clinic and he quickly entered that extension. He could kick his own ass for losing his phone. He didn't know what he'd do if Cheryl wasn't at her office. A moment later though, he breathed a sigh of relief.

"_This is Cheryl Hodges."_

"Cheryl?" his voice sounded hoarse and strangled, probably from all the yelling and crying he'd done earlier.

"_This is Cheryl. Who is this?"_

"It's Tony," he said softly.

"_Ohmygod thank goodness you called we've all been worried sick! Tony where are you?"_

"I'm at a motel," he said. "I'm safe. I think."

"_You _think_,"_ Cheryl growled. "_We've been looking for you all day long!"_

"Sorry," Tony whispered. "I um…you're mad…I should let you go…I shouldn't have called."

"_Wait Tony,"_ Cheryl's tone changed_. "I'm sorry, we're just concerned. I'm glad you are safe. Now. Can you tell me why you left?"_

"I screwed it up," Tony whispered. The tears were back now, and the self-hatred, and the self-pity, and the sadness. He'd ruined everything in his world. "I…sc-screwed it up…a-and I-I don't know w-what I-I did…" tears dripped off of his cheeks and his words were silenced in his throat. "I'm such a-a f-fuck up," Tony whispered.

"_Oh Tony,"_ Cheryl said gently. _"You aren't. You aren't. And I don't think you've screwed anything up. And if there's a problem I'm sure we can fix it. We'll make it right. You just need to trust me."_

He could trust her. Tony knew he could trust her. But did he want to go back yet? He shivered. It was so cold in this room. He had to take his punishment though. This is what he deserved, he reminded himself silently.

"Can…Can I call you back…later? I um…I have to go," Tony said uneasily.

"_Tony I'd really like it if you stayed on the phone and talked to me for a bit,"_ Cheryl said gently.

"I um…I have to go; I'm sorry!" Tony hung up the phone and ran to the bathroom. The urge to throw up was suddenly overwhelming.

xxx

Gibbs eyes widened when he saw the motel that McGee had given him the address for. "Oh no," he murmured softly. This couldn't be good. He glanced uneasily at Kate who looked equally sick. They hurried out of the car and walked into the lobby.

"Lord a mercy I'm getting' more customers today than I seen in weeks!" Tammy exclaimed as they walked through the door.

"Good afternoon," Kate said sweetly. "We were wondering if you could help us."

Tammy eyed Kate skeptically. "I dunno what no pretty girl like you is gonna want help from a train wreck like me," she said.

"We're looking for someone," Gibbs said, stepping up and taking the lead. "It's very important that we find him."

Tammy eyed them carefully. "Arright," she said. "I'm listenin'."

Gibbs glanced at Kate who produced the small 3x5 inch picture of Tony. "Have you seen this man?"

Tammy looked at these people. They seemed nice enough, but they were stuffy! The man who'd come to her this morning looking for a room…well he just didn't seem like them. She didn't know if she could trust them or not. Didn't know if she should protect Tony from them…

Gibbs leaned forward. "I'd hate to have to go get a search warrant for this place," he said softly. "We need to find him. It's very important."

"What makes you think I know an'thin'?"

Gibbs looked at her. "Because you do. Please. I really need to speak with him. Please."

Tammy's eyes widened slightly. She knew then that these people must be that nice boy's family. "Lissen," she said. "I don't want no trouble. He come in here this morning. Asked me for a room. Nice boy." She lit a cigarette. "But he told me he don't have no family." She saw the way her words seemed to stab the silver haired man through his heart—could see the pain evident in his eyes. This man was that boy's family. Was he his father? No…he didn't look old enough to be his father. But he was special and that struck something in Tammy. "He's in room 214," she said softly.

Gibbs and Kate thanked her and took the spare room key from her. They turned and headed for the stairs when Gibbs' phone rang.

"Yeah Gibbs," he said.

"_Gibbs it's Cheryl. I've just spoken with Tony. He's at a motel, but he wouldn't say where. He…he's pretty upset Gibbs. I'm concerned."_

"What did he say Cheryl?" Gibbs' pace quickened a bit as continued down the long sidewalk towards the stairs. He stopped, one foot on the bottom step and listened to her not speaking. "Cheryl we're at the motel where he's at. I've got the key to the room he's in. But I need to know what I'm walking in to," he said softly. "You don't have to give me details. Just an idea."

"_He thinks he's screwed everything up. He's quite emotional Gibbs. And he…he got off the phone with me quite suddenly, just now. Go find him. Call me if you need me later."_

"I will," Gibbs said. "Thank you Cheryl."

"_Don't thank me yet Gibbs."_

He hung up the phone and turned to Kate. "Let's get our boy," he said softly.

xxx

Gibbs decided to be respectful of the boundary that Tony had created and knocked on the door. "Tony? You here?"

He glanced at Kate and she nodded, stepping forward with the key. "You go in first Gibbs," she said softly. "He reacts better to you." She quickly unlocked the door and swung it open.

Gibbs stepped in the room. He turned to Kate. "Wait out here."

Kate nodded and stayed back, giving Gibbs the room he needed to move to Tony's side. Gibbs closed the door in Kate's face, knowing that she would stay where she said she would, and knowing she was watching their sixes. He stepped further into the room and his face showed his feelings of horror when he saw the room.

The paint was peeling from the walls, and bugs scurried over nearly every surface. The bed was broken and was partially collapsed on the floor. The bedclothes were stained with…Gibbs didn't think he wanted to know. It was truly the most horrible, dirty, hotel room Gibbs had ever seen.

"God," he breathed. He moved to the bed where Tony was lying curled on his side. His back was to the door and he wasn't moving. "Tony? Babe? Tony can you hear me?"

Gibbs rushed to his lover, thinking nothing of moving up behind him, and he put his hand gently on Tony's shoulder. Tony was asleep it seemed, and Gibbs thought he looked exhausted. Movement caught his eye and Gibbs quickly flicked the large cockroach off of Tony's leg. Gibbs shook Tony a little. "Tony wake up." When Tony still didn't move, Gibbs—gut churning—reached down and lightly rested two fingers on his lover's throat. A tiny scar was still visible where Jeffrey White had cut him with the knife.

He felt a sob catch in his throat. Why wouldn't Tony wake up? What was wrong with him? Gibbs carefully scooped Tony up in his arms and wrapped him in a gentle embrace. He ran his hands over Tony's face and hair, and he pressed gentle kisses to Tony's forehead, his cheek, his neck, his lips, begging the whole time for him to wake up. When Tony's eyes finally fluttered open, Jethro sobbed harder in relief. "Oh thank God," he whispered. "Thank you God."

"Jethro?" Tony whispered. A shaking hand rose to touch Gibbs' face. Why was he here? And why was he so visibly upset?

"Hey Tony," Gibbs said softly, trying to pull himself together. He settled on the bed beside Tony, but held the younger man close, his head resting against Jethro's chest. Tony smiled. He could hear his partner's heartbeat.

"You ok?" Gibbs asked softly.

"Think so," Tony said softly. His voice sounded…resigned? He blinked furiously, willing the tears he wanted to shed to go away—at least until he'd made Jethro leave. "What…what're ya doin' here Jethro?" he asked tiredly.

"I came for you," Gibbs said softly. "I had to know you were alright. God Tony I've been so scared…so worried about you…all day long."

"Why were you worried?" Tony asked. "I don't understand."

"You don't have to leave Tony. Ever. If you need space or something, just say so. I'm sorry. You shouldn't have had to run away." There was a long pause before Gibbs spoke again. "Tony…sweetheart can you tell me why you left? And why you came…came here?"

Tony shrugged one shoulder and lowered his gaze, burying his head a bit deeper into the flat pillow. "To give you what you wanted," he said softly. "What you needed."

"What did you think I wanted or needed?" Gibbs asked quietly. "Because this…to see you here…and Jesus Tony there's no heat and there's bugs and…do you really think this makes me feel better?"

"I feel like…like I'm smothering you…you're set in your ways Jethro…you have your life and it's set up the way you love and…and it's all different now…and it's because of me…God you haven't even been going to work because of me," Tony said sadly. "I've…I-I screwed it a-all up. I'm sorry Jethro," Tony whispered, his eyes filling with tears. "God I'm sorry."

Jethro pulled Tony tighter against him and bundled him into a tight, desperate embrace. He couldn't let Tony blame himself for this. Gibbs was the one who'd not spoken up about what was going on with him, he was the one who had screwed this up. This was not on Tony. This was on him.

"No Tony," he said softly. He ran his hand through Tony's hair, soothing, loving him with as much touch as he could. "This isn't your fault. You have to understand me…this is my fault. I didn't tell you what was going on with me—but that's my fault! I didn't tell you because I was trying to protect you!"

Gibbs felt his resolve begin to crumble. He clutched Tony a little tighter. "I was trying…to keep you from hurting anymore," he whispered, his voice cracking. "And I hurt you more. And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Tony." He began to cry softly, hating himself every second for it, but after the stress of the day, unable to hold it back any longer.

Tony's arms slowly moved to circle around Gibbs. "I just thought…I thought you were tired of me…thought you were tired of all the showers, and the therapy…oh God the therapy, even I'm tired of the therapy," Tony moaned. "I just kept thinking that you didn't want to have to deal with me anymore. You didn't deserve this…didn't deserve to have to put up with me…p-put me b-back together again every five minutes," he sniffled. "And I felt…I felt so…so relieved to have you with me…you make me believe I can make it…and that much pressure…it's not fair to you. And I'm sorry…Jethro please forgive me for being so weak," he whispered, his voice breaking off into a sob.

Gibbs pressed kiss after kiss to Tony's temple and the top of his head. He held him as tightly as he could and he felt a sob escape him, unbidden. "You're strong," he whispered. "You are so strong, and I am so proud of you. All the progress you're making…Tony we'll be back to work before you know it. I'm not sick of you. I could never be sick of you." He pulled back and looked at Tony carefully. He leaned in and kissed him on the cheek, on the jaw, on the juncture between his neck and his ear. "I love you so much," he whispered into Tony's ear.

"Then what happened? Why won't you tell me?"

"I've been…Tony I've been having nightmares…about what…about what happened with Jeffrey." Gibbs chose to ignore the flinch from Tony at the mention of Jeffrey's name. "In my dreams…God Tony you are always dead…I'm always too late," Gibbs whispered. "And I didn't have your six and I should have, and I'm sorry. And I feel lousy for not telling you what was wrong, but I didn't want to make it worse for you. And I should have told you. And I'm sorry I didn't."

"Rule number six," Tony murmured.

"Not between us," Gibbs said. "Not over something like this."

Tony shivered in Gibbs' embrace. Gibbs hugged him a little tighter. "Whaddya say we head home? Probably should give Cheryl, Ducky and McGee a call…they're worried sick."

"What about Kate? Where's she?"

"She's waiting right outside the room, Tony," Gibbs said softly. "She came with me. We didn't know…what we'd find."

Tony lowered his gaze and a flush of embarrassment colored his cheeks. "I'm sorry for that," he said quietly. He shivered again and gasped when he saw a big roach crawling up on him. He frantically brushed it away, making a decidedly unmanly sound. He grinned sheepishly up at Gibbs. "Not a fan of bugs so much," he said softly. After a moment he spoke again, "Sold my car," Tony said quietly, his tone mourning.

"I know," he said softly. "Let's go home," Gibbs said. He stood up and brought Tony to his feet with him. He steadied the younger man when he swayed slightly. "Have you had anything to eat or drink today?"

Tony shook his head, still dizzy, still clinging to Gibbs.

"Alright," Gibbs said softly. "I've got you. Nice and slow. Let's go home."

TBC…


	23. Sneaky Bastard

_Thanks to my friend for your help. _

**No Chains Holding Me  
><strong>**Chapter 23: Sneaky Bastard**

Tammy was not surprised to see the young man who'd rented the room from her earlier in the day appear back at her counter after the man and woman went to talk to him. He looked a little worse for the wear though; he was extremely pale and his hands shook just slightly when he held out the key.

"I won't be needing the room after all," he said softly. "Sorry to inconvenience you."

Truth was, it kind of was an inconvenience for Tammy. She needed to pick up a couple of Christmas presents for her kids and was so glad that Tony had rented the room for as many days as he had. She wondered where she'd get the money now.

"It's arright Sugar," Tammy said a little dejectedly, puffing on her cigarette. "I'll get you a refund."

"Actually," Tony said softly. "Since I'm the one breaking the deal…keep the money."

Tammy's eyes rounded. Her prices for day to day guests were pretty high. Tony had rented the room for two weeks and he'd paid nearly two thousand dollars for his tiny, leaky, heatless, roach infested room. And he hadn't complained about it! "Honey you ain't gotta pay me for a room that you ain't stayin' in. I ain't nobody's charity case," she said firmly.

"It's not charity," Tony said softly. "You were just…you were nice to me…and you helped my friends find me…and I really appreciate it. And I want you to have the money you deserve for what I said I was going to do. Please. I insist."

Tammy nodded and her eyes widened in concern as she watched the silver haired man put a hand gently under Tony's elbow when he swayed slightly. "You arright Tony?" she asked softly.

Tony nodded, but his eyes remained at half mast. "I just…needa eat something, and I needa get some sleep," he said softly.

"You got that sugar sickness? That diabeeteees?"

Tony shook his head. "Nah," he said softly, "'s nothin' like that. I'll be alright."

Gibbs glanced over his shoulder at Kate who was already heading to the car to pull it up closer to the door. "You ready Tony?"

Tony nodded and leaned into Gibbs a bit more, trusting the older man to keep him up and keep him safe. "Thanks Tammy," he said softly. With a wave from both men, they turned and left.

Tammy smiled. "Nice kid," she murmured. She picked up the phone and called an exterminator and a construction contractor. She had a roof that needed fixing and a bug problem—and now she had the money to fix both. Her eyes danced a bit when she thought of the gifts she could buy for her children for Christmas now—and she could buy her momma a new quilt for her bed. It was going to be a truly magical Christmas—thanks to the kindness of this young stranger.

Tammy decided the world needed more people like him.

xxx

Kate drove the car sedately through town, heading back towards Gibbs' house. Gibbs sat in the back with Tony, trying to keep him awake, and trying to get him to drink something—even if it was just a sip or two of soda, until they could get something more substantial into him.

"Don't wan' 'nything," Tony grumbled, trying to bury his face into Gibbs' shoulder.

"Gotta drink something Tony. You've gone too long without anything…you're gonna collapse if you aren't careful. Don't wanna see you end up in the hospital for Christmas. Would much rather have you at home with me," Gibbs said gently.

Tony nodded. "'Kay," he murmured softly. He accepted a couple of sips of the sweet soda and then pushed it away. "I'll drink some more when we get home," he promised. "Please…I don't want any more right now."

Gibbs kissed his forehead and Tony burrowed a little closer to him. The younger man was still shivering lightly and he looked so exhausted. "Got you now," Gibbs whispered, almost to himself. "I will keep you safe. Just relax and leave everything to me."

xxx

Gibbs called Ducky and asked him to come take a look at Tony. "He's ok I think," Gibbs said softly. "But he hasn't eaten, and he spent the day in a hotel room with no heat…his clothes are slightly damp from being out in the snow. I'd just feel better _knowing_ that he's alright."

Ducky said that he'd come over and they got off the phone. Gibbs sent McGee a text message and let him know that they'd found Tony. Then he called Cheryl.

"Gibbs did you find him?" Cheryl asked upon answering without preamble.

"I've got him," Gibbs said softly. "We're heading home. He's sleeping."

"Is he alright? Had he done anything to hurt himself?"

"Aside from being cold and damp from sitting in a hotel room filled with bugs and no heat, he's fine," Gibbs said. "Need to get some food in him and he needs a hot shower, and I think he'll be fine. Ducky's going to come by and check him over later."

"Good. Good. You said he's asleep?"

"Yeah, he's sleeping. Kate's driving us home."

"I want to speak with him later," Cheryl said softly. "Did he talk to you?"

"Yeah," Gibbs said. "And I talked to him…told him what was going on," he chuckled sadly. "We're kind of a mess aren't we?"

"You're getting yourselves together," Cheryl said gently. "You're going to be just fine."

"We'll be in touch," Gibbs said. "If he sleeps through the night I'll have him call you tomorrow…unless you don't wanna talk on Christmas Eve?"

"Gibbs when I said I was available twenty-four-seven, did I say that did not include Christmas? I want to talk to him as soon as he's able."

"We'll make it happen," Gibbs said.

They arrived back at Gibbs' house and Kate killed the engine and cut off the headlights. "Do you need help Gibbs?" she asked softly. Tony was still sleeping.

"Can you go unlock the door for me?" he asked, handing her the keys. Kate nodded and without a word, moved to the door.

While Gibbs was coaxing an exhausted Tony out of the car, Ducky arrived. Gibbs threw his hand up in a wave and his eyes widened when he saw that Ducky had brought Cheryl along with him. He couldn't hide the grin on his face.

It turned out to be a quick visit. Tony was completely exhausted and barely able to stay awake while Ducky gave him a quick once over. Cheryl sat on the chair close to the couch where Tony was curled and asked several pointed yet gentle questions throughout Ducky's examination. Once Ducky was finished, Tony yawned deeply.

Kate passed Gibbs the bottle of chocolate drink and he got Tony to slowly drink a good bit of it. It seemed however that the more Tony drank and got into his stomach, the sleepier he became. Finally he sluggishly pushed the bottle away and stared up at Jethro.

"Wanna sleep," he murmured softly.

Gibbs smiled sadly at him. "Let's get you up to bed ok?" He turned to the others. "Will you stay for a few minutes?"

They nodded their agreement and Gibbs smiled. He helped Tony up the stairs and stayed with him until he was asleep, running gentle fingers through his lover's hair and across his face. It wasn't long before Tony fell into a deep, sound, exhausted sleep. Gibbs pressed the lightest of kisses to Tony's temple and brushed the backs of his fingers over Tony's cheek. Then he hurried down the stairs.

Christmas was in under two days. There was much to do.

xxx

Tony didn't move for the rest of the night. He didn't stir when Gibbs joined him on the bed several hours later, didn't hear as people came and left from the house. Plans were made and presents were wrapped, and Tony slept through all of it.

The next morning, Tony woke up slowly and looked around, pushing himself up on one elbow. Gibbs was not in bed, but that wasn't unusual—the older man always woke up earlier than Tony. He eased himself out of bed and headed for the bathroom. He took a warm shower and spent some time fixing his hair and brushing his teeth. It was nice to be home, and Tony was glad that Jethro had come for him.

Deciding it was time to face the day, and dressed in a very comfortable (and warm) pair of jeans and soft sweater, Tony headed downstairs. He walked slowly into the kitchen and saw Gibbs. His lover was sitting at the table, reading the paper, sipping a cup of coffee, a piece of half eaten Danish laid on a paper plate next to the coffee cup. Tony walked to the fridge and pulled out his chocolate drink before joining Gibbs at the table.

Gibbs put the paper down and smiled at him. "Morning," he said softly.

"Hey," Tony said quietly. He took a sip of milk. "I didn't um…I didn't thank you Jet," he said softly.

"Thank me for what," Jethro snorted, "making a mess of things?" His face told of the guilt and pain he still felt.

"I'm as guilty as you are," Tony said gently. "And no. I didn't thank you for coming to get my sorry self out of that nasty hotel room." He shivered at the memory. Tammy was a nice lady, if a bit nosey, but that room…he shivered again.

"You are always welcome with me," Gibbs said, reaching across the table and grabbing Tony's hand. He felt slightly less on edge today, slightly less emotional than he'd felt yesterday, but not much. "I love you Tony. And I love having you with me. I'm sorry I made you think differently. And I will always come find you."

Tony smiled and nodded. "I know," he whispered. "I love you, too." He took another sip of milk. "I um…would you mind…can we go somewhere today?" he asked softly, his voice filled with uncertainty.

Gibbs raised his eyebrows. It was the first time Tony had really asked to go anywhere since he'd gone undercover. "Of course," he said. "We can go wherever you like," he smiled. "Where do you want to go?"

"Um…I need to go by the bank…now that I don't have to hide my movements anymore," Tony said with a sheepish grin. "And I'd like to um…go to MD's Autos. Down on Painter Street," he said uneasily.

Gibbs took a sip of coffee. "Ok," he said. "We can go there. You ready to go now?" Gibbs set the paper aside.

Tony took another sip of drink and nodded. He pinched off a very small piece of Gibbs' cheese Danish and ate it. "Tastes good," he said softly. "I love those things."

"You can have it if you want it," Gibbs offered, pushing the plate in his direction a bit.

Tony shook his head. "No thanks," he said softly. "Don't know…don't know how I'd do with it," he said. "And I have stuff to do today." He smiled, looking more confident than he felt.

Gibbs stood up and kissed him on the forehead. "Let's go," he said, picking up his keys. "You lookin' for anything in particular?" he asked casually as they walked to the car.

Tony shivered in the icy morning. "Um…yeah," he said softly. "I was going to buy my car back."

xxx

Marvin Stout raised an eyebrow when he saw the two federal agents heading for his door. He'd bought the car from the kid the day before, and sold it back to the older guy last night. He wondered why they were back. As soon as they entered though, Gibbs shot him a look, and the look was easy to read. Don't say a word.

"Mornin'," Stout said with a friendly smile. "Didn't expect to see you back here, son," he said to Tony.

Tony's cheeks colored slightly and he looked at his shoes. "I um…yesterday…I was in a bad place," Tony said softly. "And I sold you my car…and I shouldn't have done it. And so I was wondering if I could buy it back from you…but I don't see it out in the lot…"

Stout shot a glance at Gibbs who narrowed his eyes just slightly. Sneaky bastard. "I'm sorry son," he said softly, knowing he was about to break the kid's heart. "I sold the car late yesterday. Gentleman came in, said the car was exactly what he was looking for. Paid in cash in full. It's a done deal. I'm real sorry."

Tony shoulders visibly drooped and he nodded. "Oh. Well it's a sweet ride. I'm sure it'll make someone very happy," he said softly. He looked up at the man and held out his hand. "Thanks anyway, Mr. Stout."

"Sorry it didn't work out for you to get your car back," Marvin said, hoping with all of his heart that this kid would get his car back. "If you're ever on the market for another car, just c'mon by and see me. I keep cars around that I think you'll like."

"Thanks," Tony mumbled, and turned walking out the door.

Gibbs hung back for a moment. He'd hurried to the dealership the night before and bought Tony's car back for him. "He's getting it for Christmas," he told Marvin with a grin. Then he hurried out after Tony.

Marvin Stout put his hands in his pockets and smiled. Definitely a sneaky bastard.

xxx

Tony was quiet all the way back home. "You ok babe?" Gibbs asked softly. Tony offered a muted shrug, but didn't say anything. When they arrived back home, Tony mumbled something about going to lie down and disappeared up the stairs. Gibbs, unable to see his lover so sad, followed him. "Hey Tony?" he called softly from the hall.

"Yeah?" Tony stuck his head out of the bedroom.

"Can I get you to help me with something really quick? Outside," Gibbs said.

Tony came back down the stairs. "Sure. What do you need?"

Gibbs headed for the back door. "This way." He led the way to the garage and raised the door. Inside the garage was the pristine green mustang. It was polished to a brilliant shine and a gold bow was balanced on the hood. Gibbs had the decency to look sheepish. "I um…I couldn't leave you being so sad until tomorrow," he said softly. "Merry Christmas."

Tony's eyes widened when he realized _what _green mustang this was. "But…he said…" Tony rounded on Gibbs. "Were you the guy who came in and bought my car?"

Gibbs smiled. "Guilty as charged. Ducky, Cheryl and Kate stayed at the house last night while you were sleeping so I could run down to the lot and get it. Marvin Stout called NCIS yesterday with information on the BOLO we'd put out on you and your car. He's the reason we found you as quickly as we did. He saw you get on the A Line."

Tony shook his head. Then he froze. "Gibbs this was a lot of money," he breathed. "I know what he paid me for it, and I'm willing to bet he sold it for more than that." He stared at his car, dumbfounded, for a long moment, then he turned and looked at Gibbs. "I can pay you back," he said softly. "Right now…it's upstairs, I can—"

Gibbs stepped up to him and put a finger over his lips. "No," he said gently. "I wanted to do this for you. And my heart nearly stopped this morning when you asked me to take you to the dealership. I knew it would break your heart when you saw that the car had been sold…" he shrugged. "Merry Christmas Sweetheart," Gibbs said with a small smile.

Tony rushed up to him and slammed into him, wrapping his arms around him and clinging to him desperately. "I don't deserve you," he whispered. "I am the luckiest man alive…your ex-wives are idiots. I love you," he whispered. "I love you so much oh God I love you." Tony pulled back slightly from the embrace and stared at his partner. "I love you," he said again. "For so much more than the stupid car. I…can I…" he leaned in slowly and kissed Jethro on the cheek. He nuzzled his nose against Jethro's neck for a moment, and breathed in his scent deeply. He kissed the side of his neck and then pulled back.

Jethro's eyes widened and his breath quickened the instant Tony kissed his neck. Arousal shot straight to his groin and he bit his lip to swallow a groan. He wrapped his arms around Tony. "I love you Tony," he said. "C'mon…let's go inside. Cold out here."

"Can we…I mean…would you…" Tony sighed in frustration. "Would you come upstairs with me?" he asked shyly.

Gibbs smiled. "Sure," he said softly. "What do you have in mind?"

"I um…" Tony let out a harsh breath. "I don't know," he said. "But I know I want…I need…I need to be close to you. Will you…will you lay down with me?" Tony asked softly.

Gibbs stopped him with two gentle hands on his shoulders. "Don't feel like you have to do something you aren't comfortable with," he said gently. "I love you and I am hot for you all the time…but make sure you are taking care of you too," he said. "I want you to feel good and safe and comfortable too or it's no fun. Yeah?"

Tony kissed the corner of his mouth and smiled. "I love you," he said softly. "I'm safe with you. I don't know how far…how far I can go…but…but I want us to…maybe just see," Tony said softly. "I love you so much."

Jethro kissed his cheek softly. "C'mon. We'll go together. We'll figure it out." And they headed up the stairs together, and shut the bedroom door behind them.

TBC…


	24. Rekindling

_Thanks to my friend for all your help with this story. _

_And now? The moment you've all been waiting for—well almost…_

**No Chains Holding Me  
>Chapter 24: Rekindling<strong>

Gibbs stood back and watched as Tony carefully turned on the bedside lamp. It was an overcast day so the room was dim, despite the early afternoon hour.

"Ok, Tony?" he asked softly. Tony nodded, but seemed on edge, slightly nervous. "We don't have to do this," Gibbs said softly.

Tony turned and faced him. "I want to," he whispered. "I want…"

_**Flashback**_

"_So what is bothering you Tony?" Cheryl was blunt and to the point, as always._

_Tony sighed. "I miss him," he said softly. "I'm with him twenty-four-seven, and I miss him so bad I ache."_

"_What specifically do you miss?"_

_Tony stared at his hands, fidgeting in his lap. "I miss us being close," he said softly. "The touching, the kissing, the…" he blushed. "The sex. But I can't go there," he continued. "I can barely stand to be touched." _

_Cheryl frowned at Tony's sad tone. "What is it about the touching that makes you feel so bad?" she asked gently. She wanted to know what was inside of Tony's head so she could help him move forward._

"_I just…makes me feel like…like they're touching me again…I'm so afraid it's going to hurt…and then…I know we've talked about it over and over again…but sometimes…" he sighed quietly, "Sometimes I just feel so dirty…and it feels like if anyone touches me then I'll…I dunno, taint them somehow…I don't want anyone else to feel like this…it's horrible…it's dark and it's sticky and it doesn't wash off no matter how hard you scrub and I just keep washing and washing and it just comes back and back again and again and I_–_"_

"_Tony," Cheryl said softly. "Stay with me."_

"_Sorry," Tony said softly. "The other thing…I'm scared. What if I'm sick? What if I've got something that hasn't shown up on a test result yet? I don't want to make Gibbs sick…he's been so great…doesn't deserve that…"_

"_Tony you have to trust what the doctors are telling you. Have you been diagnosed with anything?"_

"_No," Tony said softly, with a shake of his head._

"_So as far as anyone knows you are safe, and you are healthy," Cheryl said gently. _

"_Yes," Tony whispered._

"_Good," Cheryl said. "Now. The dirty feeling. I want you to try something. The next time you take a shower, I want you to do a visualization exercise."_

_Tony fought the urge to roll his eyes. Sometimes Cheryl could be so weird. "I'm not really in to this new agey stuff," he said uneasily._

"_I don't mean any hocus pocus," she sniped gently, her eyes smiling. "I just want you to picture something differently in your head than you've been doing."_

"_I haven't been picturing anything in my head," Tony protested._

"_Look at your hands," Cheryl said softly, but firmly, "and tell me what you see."_

_Tony huffed and looked at his hands. "I see my hands," he said quietly, intentionally not giving her the information she was not asking for._

_Cheryl narrowed her eyes softly. "What color are they?"_

_Tony looked up at her as though she'd slapped him. Cheryl raised an eyebrow. "Tony? What color?"_

_He looked back at his hands and sighed. "Black," he said softly. "Always black."_

_Cheryl nodded. "I thought so," she said gently. "Now here is what I want you to do. It will be difficult for you at first, but I want you to work on it."_

"_Ok," Tony said. "Shoot."_

"_I want you, when you wash—either washing your hands in the sink, or taking a shower—to imagine that the soap is a form of bleach. And this bleach has the ability to take away that black on your skin ok? You following me?"_

_Tony nodded reluctantly. "How do I do that? When I look…it's like I'm covered in it…like in Spiderman when he was attacked by Inque…it's all encompassing…how do I get it off?"_

"_If you need to let this imaginary bleach soak in a bit that's fine…it's safe. It won't burn your skin. And when you rinse it off, just watch all that blackness going down the drain, and the bleach gives you new skin…the blackness is gone and your new skin is shiny and clean. When the water washes over you your skin just brightens up and the black goes away—washes right down the drain. And every time you wash you should think about that."_

"_I dunno about all this new agey shit," Tony grumbled good naturedly. He really wasn't sure he'd buy into it, but he figured it was worth a shot. Hell a marker got him talking about his emotions—why shouldn't some pretend bleach make him clean? _

"_The other thing you need to remember when it comes to touch is that Gibbs is never going to hurt you. He loves you—he wants you to feel good, right?"_

"_Right," Tony said softly. He felt guilty for even doubting it. "It's just…"_

"_It's scary," Cheryl said. "But try to trust him. Let him help you. Listen to him and trust him to keep you safe."_

_**End Flashback**_

Gibbs watched as Tony seemed to get lost in his thoughts for a moment. He was just about to say something, when Tony blinked and looked at him.

"I need your help," Tony said softly. "I'm not trying to be weird, but…I need…some things…ifthatsok," he rushed out.

"What do you need Tony? I'll do anything I can to help you."

"I um…can we both take showers? Separately? Before…I mean I know we both took 'em this morning but—"

"Yes," Gibbs said simply.

Tony took a deep breath. "Right. Yes. Ok good. Good. Thanks."

Gibbs took a couple of steps closer to Tony and reached out, taking his hand lightly. "What else?" his voice was so soft, so gentle, it nearly broke Tony.

Tony took a deep breath. "I need to trust you to not hurt me…I do trust you to not hurt me…but I might forget…can you help me keep my head? I don't…I don't want those…those bastards here…they don't belong here…this is our space…our home…only ours," Tony whispered.

Gibbs nodded and pressed the lightest of kisses to Tony's temple. "I can do that," he whispered.

xxx

A short while later, Tony emerged from the bathroom in a cloud of steam. He let out a soft breath of relief when he saw Jethro was sitting on the side of the bed. He had sweatpants and a t-shirt on and was holding a pair of socks in his hands. Gibbs smiled up at him sheepishly. "Is this ok? I wasn't sure…how much clothes I needed to have on. Do you want me to wear socks?"

Tony smiled at Gibbs. "If you want to wear them you can but you don't have to for me," he said softly. He was wearing socks, sweat pants and a t-shirt as well. He towel dried his hair and threw the towel in the corner. Gibbs smiled when he realized Tony hadn't thrown away the towel. He was doing so well.

In truth, the older man was a bit concerned about how this would go. He appreciated that Tony wanted to be close, and that he felt like he needed…something. Gibbs was more than willing to help Tony in any way he could, but he didn't want Tony to force himself to do something he wasn't ready for. Gibbs hoped he could follow his gut and keep a cautious eye on how Tony was doing and be ready to pull back—at the risk of upsetting the younger man—if need be.

Gibbs watched as Tony walked to the end of the bed and stopped. He seemed calm…slightly nervous, but mostly calm. "You're taking the lead here Tony," Gibbs said softly. "Tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it." He'd decided to wear the socks. He didn't know if he'd end up under the covers or on top of them, but he wasn't interested in having cold feet.

Tony slowly moved over to where Gibbs was sitting. He sat down next to him on the mattress and then glanced over at him. Their bodies weren't even touching. "I missed you," he whispered. "I've been missing you for days."

Gibbs nodded, "I feel the same way," he responded.

Affirmed by that, Tony smiled shyly and leaned in. It took them a moment to find the correct angle again, to keep them from bumping noses and chins, but finally, like two pieces of a puzzle, their lips met in a sweet, closed mouth kiss.

They parted after a moment, both of them breathless, both smiling. Gibbs leaned his forehead against Tony's. "I need to tell you something," he said. "I need to tell you why I went to see Cheryl yesterday."

Tony moved his head down so it rested on Gibbs' shoulder. "Ok," he said softly.

"I went because…because I keep having the nightmares…but more…I was feeling guilty."

Tony lifted his head. "Guilty?" he breathed. "What on earth do you feel guilty about?"

"I was so worried that I was upsetting you. I keep getting…getting so turned on for you…and I couldn't control it. And I was so scared I was going to frighten you or upset you. I just can't help it though…I love you so much…my body has a mind of its own when it comes to you. I have worked so hard to keep my stupid body under control and it just won't listen. I love you so much Tony," Gibbs breathed. "I just can't help myself. Me getting turned on by you…it's as natural as breathing."

Tony's eyes rounded and Gibbs wondered if he'd said the wrong thing. Tony looked down and saw that, indeed, Gibbs was turned on, even now. "You still…? I mean…" he sighed, "you aren't disgusted by me?"

"Why would I be? You didn't want what was done to you! And it was done TO you. And yes. I still think you are the sexiest, most attractive, wonderful man in the world. I'm so glad to call you my partner—both in work and in life. I love you." Gibbs wrapped one arm around Tony's shoulders and kissed his temple again.

Tony smiled and leaned in, capturing Gibbs' mouth once more. "Don't think…" he mumbled, "heard you talk…that much…in months," he murmured between soft kisses.

Gibbs leaned into the kiss and used his tongue to lick lightly over Tony's lips. Tony smiled and parted his lips, bringing one hand up to touch Gibbs' face softly. As their tongues began to tease each other softly, Tony led the way and lowered them back on the bed so they were lying beside each other with their knees dangling off the edge. Gibbs stayed on his back and smiled up at Tony as he watched the younger man raise up over him, staring at him.

"I don't know how I got so lucky," Tony whispered. "I don't know what I did to deserve you."

Gibbs leaned up and kissed Tony, tangling his fingers into Tony's hair softly and pulling him closer. Tony ran his hands up and down Gibbs' chest and he moved his mouth to Gibbs' jaw. Gibbs moved his hands to Tony's shoulders and then down the outside of his arms and back up again.

Tony pulled back from the kiss slowly and drew a moan out of Gibbs in the process. He smiled down at him. Gibbs was still running his hands lightly over Tony's arms and shoulders. Tony leaned down and pressed another soft, close mouthed kiss to his partner's lips and Gibbs' hands wandered into new territory, even as Tony's hands lowered to Gibbs' waist, holding it lightly.

Gibbs rubbed lightly up and down Tony's ribs and Tony continued peppering him with soft kisses, his lips, his chin, his cheeks, jaws, nose, forehead. He was wandering lazily to a favored spot below Gibbs' jawbone when Gibbs suddenly pinched Tony's nipples lightly.

Tony froze.

Gibbs immediately picked up on it. "Tony?" he sat them back up. "Babe you ok? Tony you with me?"

Tony's breathing was growing faster by the moment. Gibbs cupped his face gently. "Focus Tony. Focus on your breathing. I've got you. It's Gibbs. You're safe." Tony blinked and Gibbs let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding. "You're safe Tony. I'm so sorry I scared you."

The young man shuddered and Gibbs feared he'd turn tail and run. "G-Gibbbbsss," he whispered.

Gibbs took a chance—he listened to his gut—and pulled Tony into a gentle embrace. "You're safe sweetheart," he said softly, right into Tony's ear. "You're at home. You're here with me. I've got you."

Tony didn't say anything, but nearly shook himself apart in Gibbs' embrace. He buried his face into Gibbs' neck and the older man could feel the light puffs of breath as Tony breathed in the scent of his lover and tried to focus the present moment and not let himself get trapped in the past. Gibbs ran his hands up and down Tony's arms and pressed light kisses into his hair. After a few minutes he felt Tony begin to calm slightly, but he didn't alter his movements any.

Eventually Tony sat up a bit and pulled back. "Sorry," Tony said softly, shame threatening to fill his tone. "I um…I didn't realize…but…I c-can remember…th-they…"

"Shhhh," Gibbs soothed. "I won't do it again. I'll remember that. I'm so sorry I frightened you." He kissed Tony on the cheek softly.

"Will you…can we lay down," Tony whispered. He looked exhausted.

Gibbs nodded. "Lead the way," he said gently.

"You lay down first," Tony said softly. "Under the covers…it's your turn."

Gibbs didn't like it, but he moved under the covers. Tony was still slightly shaky and he was worried that his partner would be cold on top of the blankets. His jaw dropped in surprise when Tony slowly pulled the blankets back once Gibbs was settled and crawled under the covers too. He stayed on his side of the bed, not touching Gibbs, and lay on his side facing his partner.

"Sorry I freaked out," Tony said softly.

"You held it together pretty well," Gibbs praised gently, taking care not to sound patronizing. "And we're both under the covers—that's more than I could've hoped for." He smiled. "I've missed you Tony. I love you."

"I love you too," Tony said softly.

They laid quietly for a few minutes and Gibbs noticed that Tony seemed to be thinking about something. He reached out and gently plucked the lip Tony was nibbling on from between his teeth. "Hey," he said softly. "Talk to me."

"Just thinking," Tony whispered. He licked his lips nervously.

"I see that," Gibbs said. "Whatcha thinking about?"

"Tomorrow," Tony answered truthfully.

"Going to Ducky's house for Christmas Dinner?" It was an annual event, they barely even spoke of the plans anymore—it was just assumed everyone would show up and everyone knew that lunch was at 2pm.

Tony nodded. "I haven't seen everyone since…" he shuddered.

"Yeah," Gibbs said softly. They both remembered the day the team had come over and Abby had all but pounced on Tony. "We don't have to go if you don't feel like it," he said gently.

"I want to go," Tony said softly. "But…I just…" he groaned. "I feel so stupid. I just…am nervous…about Abby."

Gibbs nodded. "I think Kate might shoot her if she tries anything," he said. Tony had to concede that his partner had a point. "Want me to call and talk to her before tomorrow?"

"Nah," Tony said softly. "I'll just… I might be a cling-on tomorrow," he whispered. "Do you mind?"

"Not at all," Gibbs said. "You do what you have to do to be comfortable and the rest of us will adapt around you and help you in any way we can."

Tony nodded and was quiet for a long moment. "Probably should stay home," he muttered eventually. "I can barely even eat. Stupid to go to lunch." He looked devastated over the idea of missing out though.

Gibbs pushed himself up on an elbow. "I don't care if you only want to drink water and eat saltine crackers. If you want to go we'll be there. And if you decide you don't feel up to it, then I'll stay here with you. Or we can go to your apartment. Or get a hotel room. Or drive to the beach. Whatever you want," he said firmly, but his tone was gentle. He laid back down.

Tony stared at his partner and finally a smile dragged itself across his face. "You are so good to me," he breathed, running one finger over Gibbs' bottom lip. The older man kissed it lightly, but didn't move otherwise. "I love you so much," Tony whispered. He leaned over and kiss Gibbs lightly on the lips.

Gibbs returned the kiss but didn't push for more. Tony was starting to relax again and he didn't want to jeopardize it. Tony looked down at him, propped up on his elbows, and smiled.

"I have an idea," Gibbs said softly.

"Hmm?"

"Let's rest for a bit, and then we'll call Ducky. Explain to him how you're feeling and see what he says. It might be that he can talk to Abby before tomorrow. Kind of help ease the gap between you two a bit," Gibbs suggested.

Tony nodded. "I like that," he said quietly. "I have to get around her sometime—I mean hell Gibbs! It's Abby! I have to be able to take on her hugs and stuff. She's never understood the concept of boundaries before now."

Gibbs' face darkened just slightly. "You take on whatever you feel safe taking on. If Abby is too much for you then she won't be a problem," he said matter-of-factly.

Tony smiled. "You gonna protect me?"

Gibbs nodded. He rolled to his back. "I'll always protect you," he said firmly. "I'll do anything to always keep you safe."

There was a pause, a moment of absolute stillness, and then Tony moved across the bed and snuggled up closer to Gibbs. Gibbs wrapped a gentle arm across Tony's shoulders and welcomed him into a gentle embrace.

It was the perfect moment. Warm bed—with both of them in it. Tony there—alive and squirming and so lovable. There was snow on the ground and a gentle heat warming the house. Gibbs was snuggled up with the man he loved more than his own life, and he smiled. He felt the instant Tony started to doze off.

Not too long after Tony dozed off, his sleep-heavy hand slid slowly down Gibbs' body. Gibbs laid perfectly still, grimacing against the light touch that was shooting arousal straight to his pants. He took a deep breath and focused on keeping his arm still on Tony's shoulders, feeling Tony's breath hit the side of his neck, the heaviness of the other man's weight—anything other than the hand that was now resting peacefully right on top of Gibbs' almost-hard penis.

He could feel himself growing harder by the minute. He took another deep breath and sighed softly. Tony slept on, oblivious to what he was doing to Gibbs. Gibbs kept his eyes on the ceiling and forced himself to remain calm.

He hoped Tony wouldn't sleep long…

TBC…


	25. Christmas Chaos

_Thanks to my friend for all your help with this chapter. Flashback warning._

**No Chains Holding Me  
><strong>**Chapter 25: Christmas Chaos**

At some point Gibbs dozed off. When he woke, several hours later, he was alone in bed. He sat up and looked at the clock. Nearly nineteen hundred hours. He got up and headed for the bathroom. Once he was finished there he headed down the stairs in search of Tony. He could smell something, and it smelled delicious. His stomach rumbled in excitement and he headed for the kitchen.

Tony was standing over the stove and he was stirring something. He was completely focused on what he was doing, and didn't hear Gibbs coming in behind him.

Gibbs realized that Tony hadn't heard him so he walked a little louder and headed for the coffee pot—to Tony's left—so he didn't come up behind his partner. He smiled when he saw that Tony had made him a fresh pot of coffee. He looked over and saw Tony studying the contents of his cupboard.

"Hey," he said softly.

Tony turned around and smiled. "Jethro. Hey," he said softly. "I just was um. Cooking dinner," he said. He went back to stirring the contents in the pot on the stove.

"Smells good," Gibbs commented. "Whatcha making?" He loved it when Tony cooked. The man could make something out of nothing and it always, always tasted amazing.

Tony stopped stirring and looked at him. "Soup," he said softly.

Gibbs' gut tingled. Something was up. He took a step closer and put a hand on Tony's arm. "You ok?" he asked when Tony flinched away.

"Fine. Fine. I'm fine," Tony said softly, ducking out of Gibbs' reach and moving to the refrigerator.

Gibbs stepped in behind him and stopped without touching him. "Talk to me," he said softly.

Tony turned and gasped when he saw how close Gibbs was standing. "Jesus," he breathed. Anger crossed his features, but only for a moment. Then he stopped and his head bowed low. "I'm sorry," he said. "I just…I had a dream…just…please don't touch me right now," he begged.

Gibbs took a step back. "No problem," he said. "Wanna talk about it?"

Tony moved to the cutting board and began cutting carrots. "Um…Not much to say, ya know? Was just a dream." Tony shrugged.

Gibbs picked up the onion Tony had gotten out and grabbed a knife. "Want this diced up?" he asked. When Tony nodded, he began to cut. "If it's just a dream then why can't I touch you," he asked pointedly, but his voice was soft and not judging.

Tony put the knife down. "I dreamed I got raped again," he snapped, frustrated with himself. "And then I woke up and my hand was on your dick! And I know it was just a fucking dream but it still freaks me the hell out, ok?"

Gibbs nodded. "Thanks for being honest," he said softly. "I thought maybe I'd done something."

Tony stopped, and looked at Gibbs, his face filled with pain. "I'm sorry," he said. He dropped his chin to his chest. "I'm sorry."

Gibbs bumped Tony's elbow with his own. "It's alright," he said. "But we gotta keep talking to each other or we're gonna keep having problems," he said softly.

Tony nodded and snorted, a half smile crossing his features. "You're starting to sound like Cheryl," he said.

Gibbs shrugged innocently. "There's worse people I could sound like," he said, putting the knife down. "You want me to go call Ducky?"

Tony looked at him. "Do you mind?" he asked.

"I don't mind," Gibbs said. "Do you want to go tomorrow?"

"Yeah," Tony said. "I really do want to go." He shrugged. "It's Christmas, Jethro. Want to be with my family."

"Then we'll make it work," Gibbs promised. He pulled out his phone and left the room.

xxx

Tony could hear Gibbs speaking on the phone to Ducky. He wondered at letting his partner handle that conversation…two weeks ago he'd have been angry to not have been involved in the conversations and decisions that were taking place. Now…now he was just tired. He just wanted it to work out smoothly, and he wanted to not have to worry about anything.

Forcing himself not to listen, not to worry about what Gibbs was saying on his behalf, Tony turned to the little bamboo plant that was sitting in the kitchen window. He loved the little green life that Kate had given him, and he diligently took care of it, forever making sure it was well fed and watered, that it was getting enough light.

Now he smiled sadly at it, and lightly fingered a long green leaf. "So pretty," he said softly to it. He carefully checked the pot and nodded to himself when he saw it had enough water. "I'm sorry you got stuck in such a fucked up house, Little Plant," Tony said to the small green plant. "But I'll take care of you. I'll make sure you're healthy and well cared for—even if I can't guarantee I will always hold it together…I'll always take care of you."

The little plant was growing—it was bigger now than when Kate brought it to him, and he was proud of the fact that he hadn't killed it. With a satisfied smile he turned back to his cutting board. He forced himself not to listen to Gibbs' soft words coming from the living room, and he started cutting vegetables again. He had to get this soup cooking or it'd be New Years before they got dinner.

xxx

The next morning, while Gibbs was in the shower, Tony was attempting to swallow a cup of coffee—heavy laden with sugar and hazelnut creamer—and he nearly spilled it all over himself when he heard the house phone ring. He turned and stared at it, and thought about not answering it. But Tony knew if Gibbs heard it ring and he didn't answer it, then the older man would be worried.

Tony sighed and stood up. He walked over to the phone and picked it up. "Hello."

"Hey there bo—Tony? Tony! Hi Tony! Merry Christmas!" There was no mistaking the high pitched, excited voice on the end of the line.

"H-Hey Abby," he said softly.

"How are you? Are you doing ok? I miss you so much!"

"I'm uh…I'm doing ok," he said softly. "What uh…did you need to talk to Gibbs?"

"Oh no, it's not important; I was just calling to tell you guys Merry Christmas! I can tell you that as easily as I can tell Gibbs."

"Thanks," Tony said softly.

"So Tony are you coming to Ducky's house today? Ducky said you might come, but he wasn't sure when I talked to him about it day before yesterday, and he's making roast beef for dinner, and that's your favorite and I can't wait to see you! It's been ages and I miss you so much!"

Tony pulled the phone away from his ear, overwhelmed by her, even on the telephone. Gibbs came in then, hair still damp, and still buttoning his shirt. He stopped when he saw the look on Tony's face. "Hey you ok?" he asked softly.

Tony didn't say anything, just held the phone out for Gibbs to take. The older man could hear Abby even before he got the phone to his ear, and he silently cursed. He hoped she hadn't upset Tony enough to ruin Christmas for him.

"Hey Abs," he said softly.

"—and then I was talking to—GIBBS! Hey Gibbs! When did Tony pass me over to you? I didn't even realize—he didn't even say goodbye! Or did you take the phone from him? That was sneaky of you Gibbs I was talking to Tony and telling him all about—"

"Abby," Gibbs said softly, interrupting her.

"—yeah?"

"How many caff-pows this morning?"

"Um…four. But that's only because I talked to Ducky on the phone last night and he told me I need to tone down a little bit for Christmas since Tony's still so jumpy and I don't want to upset him and Kate's not really been very nice to me since that day at your house, and I don't want to screw things up more and…"

Gibbs listened. He knew she'd catch on. He just wondered how long she'd ramble before the thought caught up with her.

"…oh," she said softly.

"Yeah," Gibbs said softly. He glanced over his shoulder at Tony who was sitting with his elbows on his knees, and his head in his hands. "Take it easy on him Abby," he said. "You've got to respect the boundaries he establishes."

"But Gibbs he didn't set any boundaries—we were just talking on the phone!"

"Did you let him talk? Did you listen to him? Give him the opportunity to set boundaries?"

Abby was quiet for a long moment. Gibbs knew he'd gotten her attention. "I'm going to go Abby," he said gently. "We'll see you later on. Merry Christmas." He hung the phone back on the wall and turned to Tony. "I'm not going to let her upset you today," Gibbs said softly. He brushed his fingers lightly through Tony's hair and the younger man shivered lightly. Tony reached out with one arm and pulled Gibbs closer. His arms wrapped around Gibbs' waist and he laid his head on his partner's stomach. "It's going to be alright Tony," he whispered.

Tony didn't answer.

xxx

Ducky glanced around as he headed to the door when the doorbell rang. He and Gibbs had spoken at length the night before on the phone, and they'd decided that it might be best if Gibbs and Tony arrived after everyone else did. The door and doorbell were still a source of anxiety for Tony. By having them get there last, that would eliminate the constant ringing of the doorbell.

Kate and Abby were sitting in the living room with Tim and Jimmy. Everyone had arrived a half hour or so earlier and were now waiting for their two leaders to arrive.

Swinging the door open, Ducky smiled broadly. "Jethro! Anthony! Welcome, welcome! Merry Christmas!" The Scotsman stepped out of the way to make room for Gibbs and Tony to step inside.

Gibbs smiled and nodded once at his team. Tony was a step behind him, one hand holding tightly to Gibbs' right hand, the other lightly holding onto his bicep. His gaze was lowered, and his expression was closed. Tony was barely holding it together and he was clinging to Gibbs, knowing the other man would get him through it.

"Hiya Duck," Gibbs said.

Tony remained silent, still clinging tightly to Gibbs.

"Hey Gibbs," Kate said first, standing and walking over to them. She hugged Gibbs and smiled at him. Then she turned to Tony. "Merry Christmas Tony," she said. She ducked her head slightly to look in his eyes. She was careful not to touch him—mindful of the rule he'd set that day when she went to visit him. He'd asked to not be touched, and she'd respect that.

Tony looked up and smiled at her. "Hey Katie," he whispered. "Merry Christmas." He reached out and grabbed her hand, giving it a squeeze. She smiled back and returned the squeeze.

Abby was practically vibrating with excitement. Tony looked so much better! His color was better, and while he hadn't gained any weight, he also hadn't lost anymore either. His skin didn't have the pastiness that it'd had that day that the team visited. She stood up and took a deep breath, desperate to be close to her friends, and determined not to screw it up this time.

She hugged Gibbs tightly. "Hey Bossman," she said softly.

Gibbs raised one eyebrow at her and she nodded. "Hey Abs," he said easily.

"Hey Tony-boy," Abby said softly. She'd put her hands behind her back to resist the urge to touch him.

Gibbs gave Tony's hand a squeeze. "Hey," Tony whispered.

The knotted fists rose to the front of her chest where she clasped her hands together, still fighting the urge to touch him. "Can I hug you Tony?" She was very careful to keep her voice soft and made sure there were several inches of space between them.

Tony seemed to close down even more. "No," he whispered. He didn't apologize for it, and he didn't look up at her. If anything, he clung a little tighter to Gibbs.

Abby looked like she wanted to protest, but the expression on Gibbs' face shut her down. Tim appeared at Abby's side. "Hey Boss, Tony," he said. "Merry Christmas!" He offered them a smile. Gibbs smiled and nodded and Tony nodded, but remained quiet, his eyes on his shoes.

Tim put an arm around Abby's shoulders. "I saw something you should see on Ducky's Christmas tree," he said softly in her ear. She nodded and let herself be guided away. A nod of approval from Gibbs and a grateful look from Tony followed Tim as he moved her to the tree. Gibbs moved a little farther inside the house with Tony still clinging to him tightly.

"My dear boys, can I get you anything to drink? Some coffee? Perhaps something a little stronger?" Ducky was the perfect host, a perfect gentleman.

"Whatta ya say Tony?" Gibbs asked softly. "Want something to drink?"

Tony looked a bit queasy and shook his head slightly, ducking his gaze. "No thanks," he whispered. Then he looked up at Ducky. "Sorry…I…It's not you. I just…" he glanced around helplessly and shrugged.

Ducky stepped forward and gently placed his hands on Tony's shoulders. He felt the very slight flinch under his fingertips. "You are doing very well," he said softly. "I am so glad you were able to join us for the holiday Anthony."

Tony smiled and for a moment Gibbs thought he might tear up, but he held it together. "I um…I'm glad I'm here," Tony said softly. "It's just…it's a lot."

"Well dear boy, we are all glad that you are with us this afternoon," Ducky said kindly. "You are doing just fine. Don't worry about us."

"Thanks," Tony whispered, his cheeks coloring lightly.

xxx

At precisely two o'clock, Ducky reappeared in the living room doorway. He smiled and smoothed a hand over the apron he was wearing. Smiling at his guests, he beckoned them to the dining room. "The Christmas feast is upon us!" he declared and the others chuckled, following him out of the room.

Tony lagged behind, and Gibbs turned to him. "You ok babe?" he whispered.

Tony let out a long breath. "I'm ok," he whispered. "I'm ok. I can do this. I'm ok."

Gibbs pressed a gentle kiss to Tony's cheek. "I am so proud of you," he whispered. "C'mon, let's go enjoy our lunch."

Together they made their way to the large dining room, where they found their seats near the end of the table, with Tony seated at the edge (for easy escape if necessary). They sat quietly and studiously ignored the looks from the others.

Ducky took his place at the head of the table. His bowtie was straightened, his jacket was on, and his apron had disappeared. He raised his glass and smiled at his family surrounding him. The others raised their glasses in response. "May God shower joy upon us, my dear family. Christmas brings us all good things. God give us grace to see the New Year, and if we do not increase in numbers may we at all events not decrease." He clinked his glass against McGee's who was sitting closest to him.

"Here! Here!" the others responded, happily clinking their glasses together.

Tony clinked his glass with Gibbs and with Kate before taking a slow sip. He strangled when the water went down wrong and began coughing suddenly. Gibbs whacked him on the back a couple of times and the coughing subsided. "Sorry," he croaked. "Went down wrong."

"Oh Tony that's alright!" "It happens!" "No worries!" "Are you ok?" came the various responses from his friends and Tony's face colored deeper with embarrassment.

"I'm good," he said softly. "I'm fine."

The conversations resumed around the table and compliments were passed to Ducky for the wonderful food he'd prepared. He'd really outdone himself this year. Ducky had prepared a traditional Scottish Christmas dinner. There was roast angus beef, roasted potatoes, roasted parsnips, chestnut stuffing, bacon rolls, chipolata sausages, brussel sprouts, carrots, peas, and he'd made mashed potatoes for Tony—knowing they'd likely be easy for him to eat. There was gravy in gravy boats, bread sauce, and cranberry sauce as well. It was a truly beautiful meal.

Everyone was eating with gusto, tucking into their food, the conversations peppered with "mmms" and "ahhhhs" as new foods were tasted. All except one. Tony was trying his very best to eat. He didn't want to be noticed. He couldn't understand why Palmer kept glancing in his direction, but then the younger man suddenly spoke up—asking Tony to pass him the butter.

He felt like the others were all watching him. Was he chewing too loud? Did he have something on his face? He ran a shaking hand over his face but didn't feel anything there.

Tony thought he heard his name mentioned at the other end of the table, followed by more quiet conversation. When he looked at them, they suddenly stopped talking and went back to eating. Tony picked at his potatoes—the only food on his plate, and slowly scooped a spoonful to his mouth. He'd put some gravy on them, in hopes of helping him choke them down a little easier, but so far it wasn't working. He could barely get the first bite down…hell he'd nearly not been able to even swallow the water.

It'd probably be better if he just…looked…like he was eating. Cupping one hand under his chin, Tony continued scooping and spooning his potatoes, pushing them around on his plate, occasionally licking off the clean side of his spoon, making it look like he was eating.

Tony knew that Gibbs was watching him. Knew that he knew that Tony wasn't eating—Gibbs was no dummy. But this was just so hard…his stomach was all twisted into knots and he honestly felt more like throwing up than eating. He scooped up another bite of potatoes and forcefully stuck it in his mouth.

There was a lull in the conversation as everyone continued eating. Tony forced the bite down and diligently scooped up another bite of the lumpy mashed potatoes with gravy on them, and just as he started to eat it, McGee suddenly spoke, "Hey Tony pass the gravy will ya?"

The unexpected voice in the otherwise quiet room startled Tony and he dropped his spoon. Potatoes and gravy rolled unceremoniously down the front of his shirt, landing with a plop, right in his lap. Mortified, Tony grabbed for a napkin to clean up his mess, but in the process managed to bump his glass of water, sloshing it all over Ducky's festive bright red table cloth.

"Sorry," Tony muttered, sliding the gravy across to McGee while still trying to blot the mess on the table cloth and clean up the potatoes on his shirt. "Jesus I'm sorry. Sorry," Tony said softly. "I um. I'll wash it for you Ducky, I didn't mean to make a mess of things. I'm sorry," he rambled.

Gibbs shot the others a glance that said in no uncertain terms to keep eating, and he placed a gentle hand over Tony's more frantic one. "Hey," he said softly. "Easy. It's ok. Just potatoes on your shirt and water on the table. No big deal."

Tony got the spoon back on the table and raised a shaky hand to his face. His cheeks were bright pink and he just wished above all else that he could be anywhere but Ducky's table. "If you'll excuse me," he managed softly. "I'm just going to step to the bathroom and clean this mess up." Tony stood up without waiting for a response and left the room.

Tim looked at Gibbs. "I'm sorry Boss; I didn't mean to scare him."

Gibbs shook his head. "Rule number six Tim. It's alright. He's fine. Just startled him. I've done it too. It happens. He'll be right in a minute."

True to his word, a few minutes later, Tony returned. His face was a bit more relaxed, and his shirt was not covered in mashed potatoes anymore. "Sorry about that," he mumbled as he sat back down.

"Seriously Tony?" Kate said with a twinkle in her eye. "If you didn't drop something on yourself at least once while you were eating I'd go looking for the alien pod. It's ok. We've all done it. You know it happens. It's ok."

Tony looked at her for a long moment, silently thanking her for trying to lighten the mood. He picked up his spoon and scooped some potatoes up on the tip of it. "Don't tempt me Missy," he challenged.

Everyone blinked and the mood immediately lightened. Dinner continued and Tony gave up the ruse of eating. He wasn't eating, Gibbs knew he wasn't eating, Ducky and Kate knew he wasn't eating. He still felt slightly sick, so he just set the spoon down and cupped his hands, resting his chin on them. He was so tired. He wished he'd brought his bottle of chocolate drink with him. That would at least give him something on his stomach.

Once everyone was finished, Ducky got everyone dishes of a traditional Scottish Christmas pudding. The rum sauce was drizzled over it and the sickeningly sweet smell of coconut and sugar wafted over Tony and he felt his stomach turn slightly. There was no way he'd be able to eat this. Glancing mournfully at Gibbs, he let out a soft sigh.

Ducky asked Palmer to help him and the two of them disappeared from the room. A moment later, Ducky and his assistant reappeared, Palmer carrying a tray filled with small white porcelain glasses. "This china is my mother's," Ducky said. "We use it each year on the holidays. It was her mother's before her, and her grandmother's before that."

Ducky set a glass in front of Jethro and another one in front of Tony before continuing around the table. Tony stared at the glass as though it was filled with rat poison. What was in it? He hadn't seen them make the drinks! No one had seen them do it! What if there was something in the cups? Didn't everyone know that drinking drinks that you didn't watch the preparation of was dangerous! What were they doing?

"If you would join me," Ducky said, raising his glass. The others raised theirs too. Tony reluctantly picked his up. "I would like to share with you a toast. If there is righteousness in the heart, there will be beauty in the character. If there is beauty in the character, there will be harmony in the home. If there is harmony in the home, there will be order in the nation. If there is order in the nation, there will be peace in the world. So let it be." Ducky raised his glass a bit higher.

"Here, here!" everyone exclaimed, happily clinking their glasses together.

Tony clinked his glass with McGee and Gibbs. He watched as everyone took their shot and raised his glass to his own lips.

_**Flashback**_

_Tony was lying on his back and Jeffrey and Lane were both on top of him. Jeffrey was fucking him as hard as he could; Tony's body was rocking from the constant rhythm of abuse it was enduring, and Lane was pinching Tony's nose shut, forcing him to open his mouth and have more of the drugged whiskey poured down his throat. _

_Tony coughed and sputtered, wondering when this terrible nightmare was going to stop, but being completely unable to do anything to help himself. He felt his erection begin to grow again, both as Jeffrey slammed into his prostate and as the drugs took effect. _

_**End Flashback**_

He wasn't expecting the smell to hit his nose in such a strong way, and the memories came flooding back before he could push the thoughts down. With a strangled gasp he dropped the cup, alcohol splashing everywhere, before shoving his chair back and racing from the room. He didn't care who heard him, didn't care who saw him, just knew he needed to get away before the inevitable happened.

By the time he reached the bathroom the inky blackness that he'd been mostly keeping at bay was back in full force—covering his skin in the reflection in the bathroom mirror. He dropped to his knees, throwing up violently—the water he'd been sipping and the few bites of potatoes making an acidic splash in the bowl before him. He gasped for air and heaved again, nearly sobbing in fear, trapped inside his own head, unable to escape the images that filled his mind, and the inky black dirtiness that only his eyes could see covered his skin.

xxx

"Shit," Gibbs muttered when Tony rushed from the room. He set his glass down and stood up. Before he could leave the room though, he was bombarded with questions.

"What happened Gibbs?" "What's wrong with Tony?" "Is he alright?"

Gibbs stopped in the doorway. "I didn't even think. It's the alcohol. He can't stand it. They made him drink…that night. That's how they drugged him. He can't even stand the smell of it. I'm gonna go check on him. Back in a bit," he said, leaving the room.

The others watched as their leader raced to Tony's side. "Those poor, poor boys," Ducky said softly.

xxx

In the midst of the revolt his body was staging on him, Tony became vaguely aware of someone touching him lightly and speaking softly into his ear.

"It's alright Tony, just breathe. Take it easy sweetheart, you're ok. It was just a memory. It's not going to hurt you. You're safe. I've got you. Shhhh just relax. I've got you. You're safe. You're safe. I've got you. You're safe. Shhhh…it's alright now."

Tony took a slow breath and coughed hard, spitting into the toilet. He was so tired. Completely exhausted. He scrubbed his hands over his skin, trying to wipe away the black, but it just covered him more, getting on his hands and wiping off wherever it wasn't before. He could still smell the stench of the whiskey, and he could feel the tears dripping pitifully from his eyes. He covered his face with his hands, sobbing hard into them. He hadn't had a flashback this bad in a few weeks now.

Gibbs was on his knees next to Tony, his heart breaking as he watched his lover's struggle. Tony had made so much progress. Seeing him do so well made it that much harder when he got upset like this. He kept an arm around his partner's shoulders, rubbing a hand up and down the outside of Tony's arm. He felt the moment Tony relaxed, leaning into him a bit more. He tightened his arm a bit so that Tony wouldn't fall, and pulled him into a gentle embrace.

Tony tucked his nose into Gibbs' neck, knowing he was safe as long as he could smell Gibbs. Gibbs would protect him. Gibbs would keep him safe and watch his six.

"I want to go home Jet," Tony whispered. "I don't want to do this anymore. I'm so tired…I just want a shower…please can we go home?"

Gibbs sighed and pressed a kiss to Tony's forehead. "Yep. We're going. Let's get you up and we'll take off. C'mon lean on me. I got your six."

Together they made their way to their feet. Gibbs opened the bathroom closet and grabbed a washcloth. "Let's clean you up a bit," he murmured. Tony leaned on him and let Gibbs take over, too tired to try to do for himself anymore. He just wanted to go home where he didn't have to work so damn hard to be normal.

After he was cleaned up, Tony made his way to the front door. He couldn't face his friends anymore. He didn't want to see their looks of concern, pity, or hear their questions about what happened and if he was ok or not.

Gibbs went back to the dining room. "We're gonna take off," he said softly. "Duck, thank you for a wonderful meal. Merry Christmas guys."

"Jethro…should I come by later to check on him? Is he alright?"

"He's not alright, but I think if he can get home and relax a bit he'll be ok. I'll call you if we need you." Before anyone else could comment, Gibbs turned and left the room.

xxx

Gibbs pulled into the driveway and glanced in the rearview mirror at Tony who was huddled in the backseat. "How you doing back there?" he asked softly.

"I'm ok," Tony whispered. "I'm ok. I can do this. I'm fine."

Gibbs parked the car and shut it off. He walked around the back of the car and opened Tony's door for him. Tony flinched when the door opened and looked up at Gibbs. Gibbs leaned over and put his hands on his knees so he could look at Tony. "You did so well today. You were so brave. C'mon. Let's get you inside. Cold out here." He held out a hand, glad when the younger man took it without hesitation. Tony stuck close to Gibbs, and relaxed a bit when the older man wrapped his arm around him. "You're gonna be ok," Gibbs said as he unlocked the door. "C'mon. It's alright now." Together, they made their way inside the house, and Gibbs locked the door behind them.

"I need a shower," Tony said softly. He ran a hand up and down his arm uncomfortably. He looked around the room like he was lost, and fought the urge to shudder.

Gibbs pressed a kiss to the side of his head. "Go get one," he said simply. "It'll make you feel better."

"Will you…" Tony sighed. "If I'm in there for more than like, a half hour, will you come get me?"

Gibbs cupped Tony's face gently in his hands. "I will always come get you," he promised softly. "Go. Shower. Feel better. I'll figure out what's next for us while you do that."

Tony nodded and started up the stairs. "I love you," he called softly. "Sorry about today."

"Rule six DiNozzo," Gibbs called after him. "Don't worry about what happened today. It was out of your control."

"On it Boss," came the soft words from upstairs.

Gibbs looked around and ran a hand through his hair. "Ah hell Tony," he whispered. It made him so sad that Tony—that _they_—were going through this, that they couldn't even celebrate Christmas without it bringing up nightmarish memories for his partner.

An idea occurred to him then. He knew how to cheer Tony up. Smiling and whistling to himself, he headed for the kitchen.

xxx

Gibbs knocked on the bathroom door. "Tony? You ok?" He cracked the door open and poked his head in the bathroom. Tony was standing in the shower, hands braced on the tile walls, and the water was running down over the back of his head.

"I'm ok," he said softly. "I uh…sorry…I lost track of time, didn't I?"

"It's ok," Gibbs said. "I'm laying you some sweats here on the counter," he put the clothes down as he spoke. "You need anything?"

"Can you hand me a towel?" In his haste to get in the shower, Tony had forgotten to put the towel where he could reach it.

"Sure," Gibbs passed him the towel and turned, leaving Tony in the bathroom alone so he could finish up. "I'll be downstairs," he called.

"I'll be down in a minute," Tony called back.

Gibbs hurried to the living room and turned on the television. Months of dating Tony had eventually required him to learn how to operate the Idiot Box. He smiled to himself, proud of his idea, and hoping that Tony would appreciate it.

Tony appeared several minutes later, looking tired, but more relaxed than earlier. "Come sit," Gibbs said, pointing at the couch. "I'll join you in a minute," he headed for the kitchen.

The younger man wondered what Gibbs was up to, but did as he'd been asked. It wasn't long before Gibbs reappeared, mugs in hand, and carrying a bowl in the crook of his elbow.

"I don't know if you want anything," he said softly. "But I have hot chocolate and caramel corn here," he smiled. "Your recipe. It _is _Christmas, after all."

Tony smiled and leaned against Gibbs when the other man wrapped an arm around his shoulder. Gibbs passed him the mug of hot chocolate and Tony noticed he'd put a spoon in it. "In case you were having some trouble drinking," Gibbs said softly. He picked up the remote and hit the correct button. An instant later the title screen for _It's A Wonderful Life_ came up and Tony gasped.

"You remembered my Christmas tradition," he whispered, in awe of this man.

"Well yeah," Gibbs said softly. "And it seemed like a good idea." He popped a piece of popcorn into his mouth. "Whatta ya say? Wanna watch the movie with me?"

Tony smiled and nodded, grateful for the easiness that came from being with Jethro. He just took care of it all and Tony didn't have to worry about anything. Gibbs was so thoughtful and caring; he knew what Tony liked and knew how to make things better for him—as much as he was able to.

Gibbs tightened his arm around Tony's shoulders and ran his thumbnail lightly up and down Tony's arm. He kissed him lightly on the temple and smiled—shyly? "Merry Christmas Tony," he said softly. "I love you."

Tony looked at him and smiled back. "I love you too," he said. "Merry Christmas Jethro."

They watched the movie together, getting sucked into the story. Eventually they set their mostly empty mugs aside and snuggled up a bit closer, completely enveloped in one another, and neither one noticed when they both gently slipped into a restful sleep.

TBC…


	26. Bravery

_Thanks to my super-brave friend who is reading this story before I post it. Your help is priceless. Thank you so much._

**No Chains Holding Me  
><strong>**Chapter 26: Bravery**

A hand shot out from under the electric blanket and groped blindly for the loudly ringing cell phone. Finally getting it, Gibbs pulled his hand back under the covers, flipped the phone open and pressed it to his ear, already dreading this conversation.

"…the hell?" Tony mumbled, snuggled into Jethro's side.

"Yeah, Gibbs." Gibbs was quiet for a long while, listening to the speaker on the other end. He was quiet long enough that Tony managed to almost drift back to sleep before Gibbs spoke again, his voice sharper this time. "With all due respect, _Sir_, I have the time on the books."

Tony lifted his head. This didn't sound good. The look on Jethro's face didn't look good either. He remained quiet, but was now paying very close attention to the phone call.

"I am not really concerned with what the SecNav wants, Tom," Gibbs said. Tony thought he sounded almost like he was whining. "I have been out on leave for a family emergency!" There was another long pause before Gibbs spoke again, his face turning red. "Tony _is _my family. Half days. Starting after the first. And I leave if I'm needed elsewhere, case or not." He snapped the phone shut.

Tony sat up on the side of the bed and Jethro sighed. "Come back to bed Sweetheart," he said softly.

Tony shook his head and stood up. "I can't sleep anymore," he said quietly, walking to the window.

Outside the world looked like a winter wonderland. Ice crystals clung to the trees and light wires. There was snow on the ground, some of it shoveled into large piles, while still covering the entire ground with its peaceful blanket of white. It was December 30, the day before New Year's Eve. Tony pressed his hand and forehead to the cold glass window and sighed, closing his eyes. "I don't know if I can do this," he said softly, almost to himself.

Jethro slid out of bed and walked up behind him. He wrapped his arms loosely around Tony's waist, pleased that the younger man didn't even flinch at his touch. "I can tell 'em to stick it up their asses if you want—all you gotta do is give me the word. Don't care much who I piss off. I have the time, I can take it if you need me."

"NO!" Tony turned around, his face fierce and full of determination. "You can't say that! You have to keep your job! You love your job! I can't…I can't be responsible for you not working…"

Gibbs raised his hands and rested them lightly on Tony's shoulders. "I do love my job," he said softly. He looked right into Tony's eyes. "But I love you more than I love NCIS. If you need me, then you'll get me. They'll deal. The SecNav can kiss my ass for all I care."

Tony stared at him for a long moment. "I love you too," he breathed finally, wrapping his arms around Gibbs' waist. "I dunno…I dunno how this'll work…do you think…can we maybe work our way up? I mean I don't think I can just jump into it all at once, ya know? I haven't been by myself since…and it's…it's my fault…I just have to suck it up…but…I'm trying ya know?" his voice was shaking terribly. "And what happens if I can't come back to work? How long will it be before I get that same phone call? Gibbs I'm not ready to go back to work yet! I'm not—I want to—but I'm not ready yet—I can't handle that…I'm so sorry…I know you're going to need me there, but I just—I can't—" an unexpected sob escaped and Tony slapped a hand over his mouth. "Oh God," he breathed, trembling from head to foot. "Oh God…"

They had an appointment with Cheryl for later on in the afternoon, so Gibbs didn't want to just immediately call her. But he needed to figure out some way to get Tony calmed down and distracted. "What if we set up a meeting with the director before I go back to work?"

"What if…do you think…I don't even know if it would work…do you think the director would be willing to meet with us and Cheryl? Do you think she could explain it better?"

"I think that's a great idea," Gibbs said with a gentle smile. "We'll ask her this afternoon." Tony nodded. The younger man's stomach suddenly growled, and Jethro's smile widened. "Hungry?"

"Kinda," Tony whispered.

Gibbs nodded. Tony had been making so much progress—could eat soft or light foods on days when he was feeling good and calm, and most of the time on days he wasn't calm was still able to keep sipping on the chocolate drink Gibbs had found for him. He was feeling better now that he'd started eating again…didn't feel so tired all the time, didn't feel so achy or sluggish…but this…this had the potential to set it all back to square one and it worried the older man tremendously.

"Let's get something to eat then," Gibbs suggested gently. He started towards the door and stopped when Tony grabbed his wrist gently.

"Thank you," he whispered.

Gibbs let a half smile fill his features. "You don't have to thank me," he said softly, his cheeks turning pink.

"No, you're wrong, I do have to thank you," Tony said. "Thank you for listening to me and not thinking I'm overreacting with all of this."

Gibbs grabbed Tony's hands gently. "You are _not _overreacting," he insisted. "We don't know the rules here; so all we can do is take it one step at a time."

Tony nodded. "You're right," he whispered. "You're right."

"So. Eat. Shower. Cheryl," Gibbs said.

Tony nodded again, squeezing Gibbs' hand. "Just don't let go, ok?" he whispered.

Gibbs lifted their joined hands and pressed a gentle kiss to Tony's knuckles. "The president himself couldn't make me let you go," he promised softly.

xxx

The director called two more times after that first round that morning, barking and fussing, not wanting to negotiate the work schedule past its usual "come in early and stay til it's done" hours. By the time Tony and Gibbs reached Cheryl's office for their two o'clock appointment, Tony was a bundle of nerves. He'd thrown up twice, yelled at Jethro more than that, nearly lost his own job when he got on the phone with the Director, and had finally locked himself in the bathroom off the master bedroom after losing his lunch, telling Gibbs through the door that he'd just stay in the bathroom until it was time to leave. That way he wouldn't yell at him anymore, and he wouldn't have to hear anymore arguing between the director and the MCRT team leader.

Cheryl could sense the tension the instant the two men walked through the door. Curious, she thought, because in the last couple of weeks—especially around Christmas—they'd made so much progress together. She wondered what was up between them, but found she didn't have to wait long. Tony began to rant as soon as she shut the door.

"The director wants Gibbs to come back to work on January 2nd," he snapped. "Gibbs and I have both spoken with Director Morrow about it, asking questions, making suggestions, and he's not open to hearing any of it. It's like he thinks I'm making all this shit up somehow. I don't know what's in his fucking head, but seriously he's about to make me feel crazier than I already do—and that's pretty _damn _crazy!"

Jethro sat on the couch moodily, not responding at all to Tony's anger. From the looks of it, he'd been on the receiving end of things all morning long.

"Gibbs how's it going? What's inside your head?" Cheryl asked softly.

"I don't think I'm ready to go back to work yet," Gibbs said softly. "But the director is insisting. There is some investigation that the SecNav needs me to head up and he isn't backing down. He knows I've been out with Tony—and honestly would like to have Tony back as well—but he knows he can't push that until all of his doctors have given their consent for him to return to work. But he's insisting that I return to work. He wanted me there today and I told him that I would be back after the start of the new year. I also told him I only want to work half days, but he refused that. Told me I would be back 100% as of the second of January. Told me I was lucky I'd been let off work for this long. I have the time on the books. And it isn't like I've been sailing around on the damn boat," Gibbs snapped, working himself up into as angry a state as Tony was in.

"Why don't you think you are ready to go back to work?" Cheryl kept her voice soft. She was disappointed to hear that the agency director was giving them such a difficult time.

"I just…" Gibbs sighed. "I'm not ready to leave Tony yet. I think he can handle it better than he thinks, but I get so nervous when I'm not with him."

"Understandable," Cheryl pointed out. "Tony was the victim of a violent crime and was forced to take his attacker's life in order to survive." She ignored the flinch from Tony when she spoke so matter-of-factly.

Cheryl turned to Tony. "Tony, tell me what you're thinking."

"I'm thinking that I don't want to be the reason that Jethro leaves NCIS," Tony said, staring at his lap, "but I also am not sure I'm ready for him to leave _me_ yet either. I suggested to the director that Jethro work his way back in slow—to give me a chance to get used to being on my own a bit, you know," he continued. Tony shrugged sadly, "but he wasn't open to the idea at all."

"Tom's a good guy," Jethro said softly. "But he's getting a ton of pressure from up above him and I know that. I initially told him that I'd be back half days after the first or nothing…right now it's leaning more towards nothing. And I will pursue legal action with them if necessary," Jethro stated firmly.

"Ok ok," Cheryl said softly. "Let's not lose our rationality." She thought for a moment. "I will contact your director. Since both of you are under my care, it will be up to me to decide when either or both of you are ready to return to work. If they are not able to accommodate you under the parameters I will express, then I won't be able to sign off on either of you returning to work and the SecNav will answer to ME if he has a problem with it. If he's in charge of managing the Navy, it would behoove him to listen to me when I tell him you two aren't ready to help him do that yet."

Cheryl pushed herself up in her seat a bit and flung her graying braid over her shoulder. "Now. In the meantime, I want to do two things. I want to check on how you're both doing with your goals, and I would like for us to make a contingency plan for what happens if SecNav insists you have to go back to work Gibbs. But I really don't think that will be necessary."

The two men nodded.

"Tony why don't you head out into the waiting area and I will work with Gibbs for a bit, and once he's done we'll have your turn, and after that we'll get the two of you back together. Agreeable?"

Tony nodded and with a final squeeze to Jethro's hand, turned and left the room. The instant the door closed, Gibbs cut his eyes at Cheryl. "I don't see how I'm not going to go back to work on January 2nd," he said. "The director told me a bit about the case…it's one I really am needed to help. There's an assassin…we think he might be a double agent, but we aren't sure…point is, they really do need my help."

Cheryl blinked. Had Gibbs been putting on a show for Tony's benefit? "Gibbs I have to ask you about your honesty," she said softly. "I understand if you're trying to protect Tony, but if you are saying they really need your help, and then you turn around and tell me that you're willing to pursue legal action against the agency if they make you come back…I'm not sure which direction I'm supposed to be moving in. Help me out."

Gibbs let out a long breath and stood up, pacing the length of the room and coming back before he began to speak. "I'm not being dishonest, and I don't know which direction to move in," he finally said. "I know that work needs me—they've needed me for a month now. But Tony is…he's my world ya know? And I have to be there for him. I just…am not sure what I'm supposed to be doing? Am I hurting him more by not letting him out of my sight? Am I keeping him from getting better? Or am I making him more dependent on me?"

"I don't think so," Cheryl said gently. "After all, Tony's track record for disappearing acts isn't going to help him much when it comes to his stability to be left at home alone."

Gibbs chuckled sadly and nodded. In the few times Gibbs had left Tony alone, most of them he'd pulled a runner, disappearing for some reason and eventually needing help to get back to his tenuous place of stability.

"What would you do?" Gibbs asked softly.

"If it was me?" Cheryl responded quietly. Gibbs nodded and she thought for a moment. How _would _she handle this? "I think I would get my psychologist to get in touch with the Director of NCIS and the SecNav and I think I would have her explain the need to gradually build up the hours that I work. That I would need the ability to work from home some days, and that I absolutely must not miss my appointments. I think that way you would be giving Tony some independence—give him the ability to feel it out and see how he does with it…and if it doesn't work then we'll reevaluate it. If he has a doctor's appointment or if you both have appointments with me, then I see no reason why you shouldn't be able to work from home on those days. You can do internet searches and make phone calls just as easily from home as you can from the office, right?"

Jethro nodded. Cheryl smiled. "I know you want to do both Gibbs. This is the best way that I know to help you do that."

"I just feel bad," Gibbs said softly, rubbing his hands over his face. "Why do I have this desire to go back to work—to move life on, to move forward, to get back to normal…and how do I do that without hurting the person in this world that I…" he swallowed hard, "that I love more than anything or anyone else…how do I leave him behind?"

"You don't leave him behind!" Cheryl's voice was sharp. "Absolutely do not leave him behind. You move forward together, at a pace you are both comfortable with. You aren't selfish for wanting things back to normal Gibbs. I'd be worried if you weren't wanting that. But you've got to remember that Tony wants that just as much if not more than you do."

Gibbs let out a long breath and nodded. They talked a while longer, Gibbs telling Cheryl all about the progress that Tony had made over the Christmas holidays. He told her about his ability to sleep under the covers with him, and how much more he was being allowed into his partner's personal space. He was eating better and had actually ridden in the front seat a time or two without completely freaking out. If they were traveling more than a couple of blocks, Tony preferred to ride in the back, but if they were just shooting down to the coffee shop or the grocery store then he was trying to ride up front. And it made Gibbs proud to see his progress. Cheryl noted the progress on their goals and smiled.

It wasn't long before Gibbs' hour was up and he stepped to the waiting room with Cheryl in tow to get Tony. When they opened the door, Gibbs immediately frowned—not at what he saw, but at what he _did not _see. Where was Tony? He looked around, gut tightening into a knot when suddenly Cheryl let out a soft sound from behind him. Gibbs turned and looked, and there, facing the door, backed into the corner, sitting in the floor was Tony. He'd managed to doze off, his head on his arms, and his knees tucked up to his chest.

"Be…be gentle when you wake him," he told Cheryl. "Say his name before you touch him. Helps him not freak out so bad."

Cheryl smiled and nodded. "Tony," she called softly. She laid a gentle hand on his arm, and quickly removed it when he flinched hard. "Wake up Tony," she said again, a bit louder. "Come on, it's your turn to come talk to me."

"Sorry," Tony mumbled, hurrying to his feet. "Didn't mean to…what time is it?"

"Nearly 3:30," Cheryl said softly. "Gibbs' hour is up. It's your turn. Come on."

Gibbs put a steadying hand under Tony's elbow when he stumbled slightly. "You ok?"

"My foot's asleep," Tony mumbled softly, shaking the offending foot. "Shit I didn't mean to fall asleep."

"You needed it," Gibbs said gently. "We got an…unexpected early start this morning. Go on and see Cheryl ok?"

Tony smiled at him. "I'll see you in a bit."

Gibbs smiled and nodded and watched his younger lover follow Cheryl back down the hall. Then he let out a long breath, flopped down into a chair and picked up a magazine. This mess was going to be the death of him. He felt sure of it.

xxx

"So Tony," Cheryl said, once they were settled. "Gibbs tells me you're making some exciting progress."

"Yeah," Tony said softly, eyes on his lap again. "I'm doing pretty good this week. I even slept under the covers with Gibbs."

"I know that's what he told me. And last week you and him were able to have a bit of intimacy, which is excellent," she praised him. Then she looked at him and narrowed her eyes for a bit. "What's bothering you? Talk to me Tony."

Tony shrugged. "I just…feel like he's put his whole life on hold for me. He's a brilliant investigator—I have no doubts that SecNav wouldn't have made such a stink about this case if he really didn't need Gibbs there. It must be big because he's insisting on Gibbs coming in, and everyone knows Gibbs is the best."

"Tony he wouldn't put his life on hold for you if he did not love you," Cheryl said. "He wants to be there for you."

"He wants to go back to work too though," Tony said softly. "I can see it in his eyes. He tells me he doesn't want to go back, but he does. And it's because of me that he isn't." Tony looked up at her. "I don't know what I should do," he said softly.

"What would you like to see happen?" Cheryl asked gently. "In your ideal world—if you could snap your fingers and make things happen—what would you like to see happen?"

Tony was quiet for a very long time. Cheryl glanced at her watch and then back to him. Just before she was about to speak again, he began to talk softly.

"If I could snap my fingers, we'd go back a month and I'd do a whole lot of things differently," Tony said softly. "But if I could only change the outcomes…" he looked to the window. "I want Gibbs to go back to work," he said softly. "Because he needs that—he needs something to distract him and he needs something to work on—because Gibbs with nothing to do gets really hard to be around," he smiled sadly. "But I don't think I can handle him being gone all day. And even when it's just NCIS he'd be going to…I know I'll worry about him if he's there and I'm not. But I can't…I'm not…I can't go back to work yet," Tony said.

"No you aren't ready," Cheryl agreed. "So you'd like to see Gibbs get to go back to work."

"Yes," Tony whispered. "Maybe only half days though? Something…I need to know he's still there. I just…I get…" he gasped for air suddenly.

"You're doing just fine," she said soothingly. "Take some deep breaths and just listen to my voice as you calm back down. Take a deep breath in through your nose," Tony sucked in air, "and then blow it out slowly through gently pursed lips." She instructed him to do this a couple of times before he started to calm down.

"I get so scared," Tony whispered, one hand going to his hair. "I don't know why though! They're…they're _dead._ They _can't _hurt me anymore. But I just…I feel like…it's like I can't breathe or something whenever…" he sighed, "Whenever Gibbs leaves me I feel like I'm just as alone as I was that night in the cabin."

Cheryl nodded, but she got the feeling there was more to it than this. "Tony did you ever experience fears like this before you were raped?" She knew she was likely going to step into something deep and dark here and she wasn't sure Tony wanted to, but figured it was important.

"Yes," Tony bit out softly.

"Can you tell me about that?" Cheryl asked gently.

Tony crossed his arms. "I don't want to talk about it," he snapped.

Cheryl raised an eyebrow. "But we need to get to the bottom of this," she continued in her gentle tone.

Tony's face flushed with anger. "You remember that first day we were in here? I told you I wasn't going to talk to you about my past or my parents. So forget it!"

"Well I guess we're finished then," Cheryl said firmly, slamming her folder shut. "Because if you won't talk to me then I can't help you." She stood up and walked to the door.

Not surprisingly to Cheryl, Tony panicked. "Wait. Wait." He sighed. "Ok. Fine. I'll tell you about it dammit. Just…come sit back down. Please?"

Cheryl raised an eyebrow but moved back to her chair. She patiently reopened her folder and took her pen out of her hair. "I'm ready when you are Tony. The more you tell me the better I can help you, but just do the best you can, alright?"

Tony nodded and was quiet for a long moment. "Can we get Gibbs to come in?" he finally asked softly.

To his dismay, Cheryl shook her head. "No I think you can tell me about this on your own, Tony. We're working on getting you more independent, right?"

Tony nodded, a frown on his face.

"Then let's start without Gibbs. If it gets too hard, then we'll get him ok? But let's at least try."

"Fine," Tony said resignedly.

Cheryl smiled reassuringly. "I'm very proud of you Tony. You're being very brave."

"I'm being very badgered," he snarked back.

"You're being…encouraged to go in a specific direction," Cheryl said.

"Badgered," Tony said.

"Semantics," Cheryl said with a smile.

"Point," Tony said.

"Now talk to me," Cheryl said, "and quit avoiding the topic."

Tony sighed. "Ok. So um…I guess…I started having issues with uh…with people leaving me…er, with being alone…" he ran his hand through his hair. "I never told anyone about this," he said softly.

"You are safe here," Cheryl said. "And you can trust me. It's just you and me in here. Tell me what you can and we'll work out the rest."

"I was four," Tony whispered softly. His hands were steepled in front of his face and he was gazing at a point beyond Cheryl's feet—somewhere far, far away. "I was so excited…we were going on a big trip! My f-father…he was in Italy on business. We were going to meet him."

"Sounds lovely," Cheryl said softly. "Italy is a beautiful place. What happened?"

"We went to the airport," Tony said, his voice soft and almost sounding disconnected. Flat. "It was just me and my mother. I was so excited. I'd never flown before. Well. Not that I could remember. All I knew is I was so excited."

Cheryl smiled, but she knew this story likely didn't have a happy ending. "Go on Tony," she said gently. "You're doing great."

"I um…I stopped at a window…there was a big jet plane coming in…I hadn't ever seen one so close up before, and I was watching it land. And I turned around after it was gone…and…" Tony's voice cracked on his words.

"Tony? Stay with me. Do you need a break?"

Tony shook his head, and ran a shaky hand through his hair. "N-no…no break…I'm good…I um…I turned around. And my mother. She was gone. She'd left me standing at the window. When I turned around I was all alone in the middle of LaGuardia airport."

Cheryl's eyes widened, but she managed to swallow the comment before it slipped between her lips. "What did you do?"

Tony snorted. "What does any four year old kid do when they're scared and want their mother?"

"Cry," Cheryl said softly.

"Ah yes," Tony said. "But DiNozzos don't cry. So I went with plan B. I went to find a police officer. But before I could, this woman called my name out, and she grabbed me and started running me towards the entrance to the airport. I tried to tell her that I needed to find my mommy and that I needed to get on the plane, but she didn't listen to me. She put me in the backseat of the car and told me to quit crying—because by then I was even more scared and was crying then."

Tony ran a hand through his hair and was quiet for a long time. "What happened next Tony? Where'd she take you?"

"She took me back home," Tony said, relief still evident in his voice after all these years. "Turns out she was in my mother's bridge club and she saw mother getting on the plane and saw me standing there watching the tarmac. She figured I'd been left, and thought it'd be safer to take me home. Of course my mother didn't realize until she was halfway over the ocean that she'd left me. She called home once she landed and the cook told her that Mrs. Jameson had brought me home. When they got back…I got um…punished…for missing the plane."

"How did they punish you? Who punished you?"

Tony blinked and then smiled, coming back to the present from the memory. "'nother story for another day Doc," he said.

Cheryl raised an eyebrow at him. There were definitely some deeper issues here, but he'd answered her question. He'd told her where his fear of being alone started. To push any more would be counter-productive today. She glanced at her watch. "We've got a few more minutes," she said softly. "Is there anything else you want to talk about before I get Gibbs back in here?"

"I just um…Don't tell him about that…I'm not ready to get into my whole life history with him…and I know him, he won't drop it. I just…can't go there right now," Tony said. "I will one day, but I can't yet."

"Fair enough," Cheryl said. "If there's nothing else, then I'll get Gibbs. You can take a minute and stretch, get a cup of coffee or something, whatever you like."

Tony nodded.

Several minutes later, everyone was back in Cheryl's room. Tony was sitting very close to Gibbs, needing the reassuring warmth of the man to chase away the chill of the memory from minutes before. Gibbs, sensing that Tony needed the reassurance, but not sure why, wrapped his arm protectively around his shoulders, pulling him even closer.

"Alright," Cheryl said. "I've spoken with you both, and what I'm hearing from both of you is that Jethro needs to return to work. But I'm going to speak with your Director, and if necessary, with the Secretary of the Navy, to make sure they understand that we will be doing this on your terms. Tony would like you with him some during the day Jethro. Is that agreeable to you?"

Gibbs nodded. "Absolutely. How can we make that work?"

"I am going to release you to work three mornings a week for a month. You will work 0800 until noon and then you will go home. You can work from home in the afternoons if you need to, but with the winter still here, it gets dark early, and Tony I think you would benefit from having Gibbs home by the time it's dark, don't you?"

Tony nodded.

"And what I will then do, is schedule our appointments for the afternoons, rather than the mornings, or on days when you are not working, Gibbs. We'll do that unless something unforeseen arises, in which case we will deal with that as the need arises. Agreeable?"

"Yes," they both said softly.

xxx

Once Tony and Jethro had taken off for home, Cheryl got on the phone. She phoned the director of NCIS and introduced herself as the psychologist attending to Gibbs and DiNozzo. The director sounded uncomfortable at this, and told her that he hadn't known Gibbs was seeing a psychologist.

"I think it would be very wise for you, the SecNav and I to have a little meeting," Cheryl told him. "It's about the mental health of two of your agents. It's vitally important—both to your agency and their health, that we have this meeting. I want to meet at my office tomorrow morning at 9am."

Tom Morrow sputtered and hemhawed trying to figure a way to get the SecNav to agree to such a thing. "Um what if the SecNav can't attend?" he asked. "Would it be alright if I came alone?"

"No," Cheryl said. "He'll be there. Because until we have this meeting, Gibbs and DiNozzo won't be returning to NCIS. I refuse to sign off on them returning to work."

TBC…


	27. Meeting of the Minds

_Thanks as always to my wonderful friend, who is helping me from the sidelines to write this story._

**No Chains Holding Me  
><strong>**Chapter 27: Meeting of the Minds**

Cheryl smirked when she walked into the waiting room the next morning. Two men were impatiently pacing the floor, both impeccably dressed, both looking as if they'd rather be anywhere else.

"Gentlemen?" Cheryl spoke warmly. She was pleased that she hadn't had to fight _too_ hard to get them to agree to this meeting. And apparently there were no international collapses because of it, and Cheryl was pretty sure that there was only a coffee date and a lunch meeting that had to be rescheduled. So all in all, not too big of a deal.

Except to the two men that this meeting was about. To them it was huge. And it was Cheryl's job to make sure these two high ranking officials understood that.

Secretary Davenport and Director Morrow followed Cheryl down the hall to a different room than the one Tony and Gibbs usually occupied. This room was sparsely furnished, without any art on the white walls. Some of Cheryl's clients responded quite negatively to stimulating things like bright colors and exciting pictures and paintings. This room was reserved for them…and for her more serious meetings, such as this.

"Please, have a seat anywhere you like," she instructed, closing the door. She made no effort to hide the recorder that she cued up and placed in the center of the table where they all sat. Cheryl hit record and spoke clearly, but not too loudly. "This meeting is in reference to Agents DiNozzo and Gibbs with their superior officers, NCIS Director Tom Morrow, and Naval Secretary Charles Davenport." The psychologist looked at the two men sitting at the table with her. "Gentlemen we are here today to work out a plan for Agent Gibbs to return to work while not compromising his, or Agent DiNozzo's progress."

"I don't even understand why Agent Gibbs is involved in Agent DiNozzo's case anyway," Davenport retorted.

"For several reasons, Sir," Cheryl said. "First and most importantly, because Agent DiNozzo has requested him be a part of it. Furthermore, Agent Gibbs also was the victim of this violent crime—though in a different way."

"He was doing his damn job!"

"Yes, he was," Cheryl agreed. "So it shouldn't be difficult for you to understand that sometimes in the midst of doing potentially violent or hazardous jobs, we can become quite upset—traumatized even—by the events surrounding our work. Agent Gibbs and Agent DiNozzo are partners—have been partners with NCIS for just over four years. Is that correct, Director?"

Morrow nodded. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to answer verbally Gentlemen. It's important for the recording to catch all of our responses," Cheryl said sweetly, with an edge to her tone.

Morrow cleared his throat. "DiNozzo has been with NCIS for four years now, that's correct. And Agent Gibbs has been there for ten years."

"Thank you. Now, Secretary, back to your question. Agents Gibbs and DiNozzo work very closely together. They are always 'watching each others' sixes' as they have phrased it. In this particular situation, the two were separated, Agent DiNozzo was working undercover, and Agent Gibbs was tracking him."

Davenport nodded. "Ok? Sounds like standard operating procedure to me."

"Yes," Cheryl agreed, "Except the person Agent DiNozzo was with while he was undercover managed to lose Agent Gibbs. He lost the trail when Agent DiNozzo fell into a creek with the suspect, Jeffrey White. It shorted out the wire that the other agents were using to track him."

"So? They got him back in one piece! Don't see what all the fuss is about!" Davenport retorted.

The director cleared his throat. "Well…sir, there is another report that goes along with the one that Agent Gibbs wrote, and the statement that Agent DiNozzo provided Internal Affairs with."

Davenport blinked. "I don't read the reports of every case that NCIS handles. That's your job, Director," he said.

"I understand Sir, and I am not disagreeing with you. However, this third report…is from the emergency room doctor, a Dr. Margaret Jacobson, who cared for Agent DiNozzo after the case was resolved."

"Why did he have to go to the hospital? I heard it was just some bumps and bruises," Davenport said.

Director Morrow nodded, "we were intentionally not forthcoming with a lot of the details surrounding Agent DiNozzo's time with Jeffrey White—per his request for privacy."

"If it's relevant to the case then it needs to be included—you KNOW that," Davenport roared.

"It wasn't relevant to the antiquities ring," Morrow said.

"Then what was it!"

Morrow sighed. "The night before the case was resolved—the night that Agent DiNozzo was out of contact with NCIS…he was drugged and raped by the suspect and his accomplice."

There was a pause—a long moment when it seemed as though all of the air had been sucked out of the room. Finally Davenport pulled uncomfortably at his collar and he frowned. "I was unaware of…that," he said stiffly. But then he rallied, "I still don't see what this has to do with Agent Gibbs not being able to return to work."

Cheryl narrowed her eyes. There was something there…a prejudice of some sort…but she wasn't going to bring it up yet. "Mr. Secretary it's really quite simple," she said. "Agent DiNozzo has listed Agent Gibbs as his next of kin and his medical power of attorney. Agent Gibbs is the only family that Agent DiNozzo has—the only person that Agent DiNozzo trusts to care for him in a situation like this."

"I don't even understand how this happened—and is it really as bad as you all are making it out to be?" Davenport asked. "I mean I've met DiNozzo—he's a nice enough guy—strong and in good shape. He should have been able to fight it off if he'd wanted to, right?"

Morrow floundered but recovered faster than Cheryl did. "He was drugged, Sir. According to the report he was given a combination of Rohypnol and Viagra in an alcoholic drink."

"Why the hell was he drinking on the job! He should be reprimanded—suspended! I'll have his badge for conduct unbecoming an agent! This is outrageous!"

"Alright that is ENOUGH," Cheryl growled, stopping both men cold. "Now you listen to me, _Sir,"_ she snapped at the SecNav. "This is enough! My patient was working undercover. I don't know how familiar _someone like you_ would be with what that means—but it means basically, from what I understand, that you do whatever you have to do to make your role a believable one, and that you do whatever is necessary to stay alive until you finish your op. Am I correct in that definition, Director Morrow?"

Morrow nodded, "Yes," he said softly. He glanced at the SecNav.

Cheryl raised an eyebrow. She had him. "Even if it means accepting a drink someone is trying to give you as a sign of trust and goodwill? Especially if you're with a convicted felon?"

Morrow nodded. "Especially then," he said.

Cheryl nodded. "So you'll be wanting to watch your tone when you speak to Agents Gibbs and DiNozzo about the events that happened, Mr. Secretary," she said firmly, turning her attention back to Davenport. "Agent DiNozzo did not ask for what happened, he did not want this to happen, he did not do anything that would be considered conduct unbecoming of an agent. This man was traumatized—on _your_ payroll. I am not asking that you give him more money, I am not asking that you give him an award. I am merely _requesting _that you allow him the time, space, and resources he needs to recover so he can return to full-agent status as quickly and in as much good health as possible."

"DiNozzo is such a womanizer," Davenport said mournfully. "He flirts with anything that walks—if it has breasts he flirts with it twice as hard! There is no excuse!"

Cheryl leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms over her chest. "I have a question for you," she stated softly, her gentle tone belying the anger she felt. Davenport nodded. "Do you have any women in your life, Mr. Secretary?"

"Of course," Davenport said. "I have my wife, a granddaughter, and three nieces."

"Right," Cheryl said, nodding. "Now tell me, are those women attractive?"

"I try not to look at them under that context," Davenport said softly, "but yes, I believe they are very beautiful women, all of them."

"Do they ever get attention by members of the opposite sex?"

"Yes of course they do!"

"And do they ever respond in kind to the attention they receive?"

"I have seen that happen on occasion by my granddaughter and my nieces, yes."

"So if a man flirted with them, got them off by themselves, and then drugged and raped them, you would say they deserved it—because they flirt with men?"

"No! Absolutely not! Of course not that's absurd! Why would I do that?"

"That's a good question Mr. Secretary. But you just implied that because Agent DiNozzo is good looking and flirts with women on occasion, that he would deserve to be drugged, humiliated, and traumatized, simply because he would offer a woman a smile or a smooth comment."

Davenport resembled a fish out of water for a long moment. Morrow's face was a deep shade of red. The Director knew about the romantic relationship between Gibbs and Tony, and was going to follow the shrink's lead on not outing them to the SecNav. What he didn't know wouldn't hurt him. But Morrow agreed that perhaps Tony wasn't ready for this yet—perhaps he wasn't ready to be left alone. He knew that Tony was a good guy, that he worked hard—hard enough that Gibbs let him get away with some goofing off—and that he had a heart of gold. He knew beyond any doubt in his mind that Tony didn't deserve what happened to him.

"Am I right, Mr. Secretary?" Cheryl's voice was soft.

Davenport let out a sigh. "I just don't…I don't understand…I guess," he said softly. "Can you explain it to me? DiNozzo is a good agent…I just…I don't know that I've been…around this…before."

Cheryl nodded. This was progress. "Of course, I would be glad to explain it to you," she said helpfully. "Please do feel free to ask questions—and if you're going to voice prejudices or stigmas, I'd ask you to do it here with me, so we can resolve it—instead of with Agents DiNozzo or Gibbs."

Davenport nodded.

"The first thing you have to understand is what rape is. Rape is not about sexual gratification—it is not about pleasure, even though ejaculation can be achieved during the act of rape," Cheryl noticed that Davenport began to immediately look uncomfortable, but pressed on. Tony wasn't comfortable either.

"Rape is about control, fear and humiliation. And the fact that Agent DiNozzo was brave enough to speak of it—to tell someone and to get the help he has needed to make as much progress as he's made—has required considerable bravery from him. We should offer him as much support and respect as we can without making him feel more humiliated than he already does. And if he's asked to not have Gibbs gone all day every day—because he's been staying with Agent Gibbs since this happened—then I think you should take his request into consideration."

Cheryl paused for a moment to observe the SecNav and see how receptive he appeared. Satisfied with what she was seeing, Cheryl pressed on. "Agent Gibbs and Agent DiNozzo have a very close, positive relationship—Agent Gibbs has been a key player in Agent DiNozzo's recovery. I think if you were to take that away so suddenly—and so thoroughly—that it would be more detrimental than helpful. And you wouldn't be getting a full agent back—as I said, Agent Gibbs and Agent DiNozzo are quite close. If you jerk Agent Gibbs away before Agent DiNozzo can handle it, then you are going to be faced with an agent who is only halfway focusing on his job, who is only halfway thinking about the tasks you present him with—tasks that could be potentially life threatening. And I don't think I need to tell you what could happen to a law enforcement agent who is not one hundred percent focused on his job."

Davenport cringed. He liked Gibbs. Gibbs was good people, and a damn fine agent. It's why he wanted him on this case as badly as he did. He _needed_ his expertise, his knowledge, his cunning brilliant mind and investigating skills…but what would the cost be? Could he force this man to come back to work at the risk of losing him permanently—and in the worst way possible? And what of Agent DiNozzo?

"Will…Will DiNozzo ever be able to come back to work?"

"I think so," Cheryl said, nodding slowly. "He's making good progress. But I think when he does go back he will be on desk duty only for a while. I don't want to rush anything with him—he's quite…tense these days. He thrives when he's permitted to move at his own pace."

"Seems like he's been out long enough," Davenport said, almost to himself.

"Oh no Sir," Cheryl said. "He was only raped barely a month ago! And in some employment situations, yes, that would be enough time to warrant him returning to work. However, in the particular line of work he is in—where he is constantly immersed in violence—where he would be given almost daily reminders of what happened to him—I think that it's best to grant him some more time off. Agent Gibbs is making much faster progress, though I do not think he is ready for full-time status as of yet."

Davenport sighed and leaned back hard in the chair, his face covered by his hands.

Director Morrow spoke up. "Doctor what is your suggestion?"

"Well if I had my way about it, they'd neither one be signed off for any duty any time soon," Cheryl said matter-of-factly. "But I understand that there are…extenuating circumstances here." Glancing at both men and receiving nods, she continued. "I will agree to sign off on Gibbs returning to work three mornings a week. He will work from 0800 until noon at which time he will go home. This will allow him to continue his support of Agent DiNozzo's recovery, as well as give Agent DiNozzo some time to stretch his legs and be a bit more independent than he is now."

"DiNozzo's a big boy," Davenport snapped. "I want Gibbs three full days a week. On call the other two days, and off on the weekends if he doesn't have a case."

"No deal," Cheryl snapped. "Keep in mind, Mr. Secretary, I can refuse to sign off on any work for Gibbs or DiNozzo—and if you were to override that and force either of them to return to work without my consent, well you could be facing some liability charges."

"Are you blackmailing me?"

"No Sir, not at all," Cheryl said sweetly. "I am merely reminding you of the protocols you and your predecessors have put into place in order to prevent the abuse of agents by their superior officers," her gaze hardened. "That would be you. Three mornings a week, every other day off, every weekend off, no nights, or I don't sign. Gibbs can work from home during his time out of the office, I don't have a problem with that. But I will not sign off on more time in the office for him at this point."

"I think that's agreeable," Morrow said, glancing nervously at the SecNav who looked like the vein in his temple might rupture at any moment. "Don't you, Mr. Secretary, sir?

Davenport was quiet for only a moment then snorted and crossed his arms. "No," he snapped. "It's a well-known proven fact that men are stronger than women and experience less emotions than women do. This is a load of nonsense! I want Leroy Jethro Gibbs signed back on for full agent status at work effective immediately. DiNozzo can suck it up."

Cheryl bristled. "Mr. Secretary, please consider what you're implying," she said firmly. "You have just implied to us here, and those on this tape, that you don't care at all for the safety and well-being of your agents at NCIS. But I'd like you to consider what if something like this happened to you, or to your son?"

Davenport glared at her. "If you have a granddaughter, but mentioned no daughters, then I presume you must have a son?" Cheryl said sweetly.

"I have a son,' Davenport said, "But he's straight—he could never be—"

"Rape is not about sexual gratification, Mr. Davenport," Cheryl said, repeating her statement from earlier. "It's about control, fear, and humiliation," she continued. "Sometimes the rapist draws sexual gratification from a rape—but it's from establishing that control and inflicting the fear and humiliation. Rape has nothing to do with gender or sexual gratification—anyone who is forced into intercourse against their will is a rape victim. There is nothing from Agent DiNozzo's attack that would lead me to question his sexuality. He was drugged and violated—and it could happen just as easily to you or your son as it did to Agent DiNozzo."

"But what about DiNozzo's relationship with Gibbs?" Davenport retorted.

"What about it?" Cheryl asked, "Our military operates under Don't Ask Don't Tell. As the Secretary of the Navy, with all due respect, Sir, their relationship is none of your business. Agent DiNozzo has listed Agent Gibbs as his next of kin and Agent Gibbs has stood by him and supported him through this entire ordeal—from the moment when Agent DiNozzo was left no other choice than to use deadly force with your suspect, up until this very minute."

Davenport nodded and rubbed a hand over his forehead. This shrink was making his head hurt.

"Oh and another thing," Cheryl added, the bite returning to her tone, "the comment you made about men not experiencing as many emotions as women and about men being stronger was incorrect," she said. "Testosterone is a hormone found in higher levels in men, and it lends itself to men retaining their muscle mass moreso than women do, among other things. This helps men develop larger muscles than some women have. You should not generalize, by the way. And _actually _it has been proven multiple times by multiple different scientists that men _experience_ the same emotions as women—they feel happiness, joy, amusement, sadness, depression, anger, rage, anxiety, and fear. What is different is the _expression _of these emotions."

Cheryl glanced from Davenport to Morrow and back again before continuing. "Society has set several undue standards on the appropriate expression of emotions—most notably for men and their negative emotions. It is not socially acceptable in our culture for men to cry or to express fears verbally. They are expected to 'be strong' and show no emotions that are negative—though anger is more acceptable than sadness or fear—as though strength or weakness plays a role in feeling emotions. It does not."

Cheryl watched Davenport for a long moment. The stubborn man appeared to finally be listening. "Agents Gibbs and DiNozzo are two very strong men—emotionally and physically. And they have been through a truly traumatic experience. Because you see, _Sir_, a rape does not only affect the victim. It affects the victim's entire social circle. Agent Gibbs is closest to this with Agent DiNozzo, both because he is aiding so vitally in Agent DiNozzo's recovery, but also because he was the one who was looking for DiNozzo—he was the one who was 'watching his six,' as they put it. He is working through his own emotions stemmed from this event—feelings of guilt and self-blame for not keeping his partner safe during the op."

Morrow leaned back in his seat and sighed, only then learning the true extent of the stress that Gibbs was under—though he knew about the nature of their relationship, he'd never really stopped to consider how this would have affected the older man.

Cheryl leaned on the table, propped up on her elbows, her eyes flashing as she went in for the kill. "Agent Gibbs is not. ready. for full agent status. And if he does return to work sooner rather than later, he is still going to be working through these things I briefly mentioned—with his permission I might add. I do not think that he should be thrown back into solving cases and working his full schedule right off the bat. He's not at 100% yet. Sending him back now in full agent status would not be in anyone's best interests."

"What about this?" Morrow said softly. "What if we assign the case to another team and have Agent Gibbs consult on the case?" Morrow turned to Davenport. "Sir Agent Gibbs is one of my best and most trusted agents, along with Agent DiNozzo. They go above and beyond the call of duty on a regular basis to get their cases solved, and their solve rate is leaps and bounds above the other teams. I think that it would be best for them to have the support that they need or I fear we will lose them. Permanently. In one capacity or another."

No one needed to question what Morrow was hinting at. Agents who were distracted or not operating at 100% were a liability—they could either botch an investigation, or get themselves or someone else killed. And if they pushed the issue…well Morrow was not stupid enough to think that Gibbs and DiNozzo would not seek work somewhere else. He knew for a fact that the FBI had been gunning for Tony to take a team leader position for some time.

Davenport was quiet for a long moment and Cheryl could barely contain her glee. This might work out even better than she expected. She liked Morrow, and silently took back nearly every bad thing she'd muttered about him under her breath the day before in the solitude of her own office. He'd stood up for his agents and their well-being to his boss—who was one of the most powerful men in the US military. And he'd done so without outing them, and without being disrespectful to anyone.

Finally Davenport sighed. "Tell me your proposal again, Doctor," he said, rubbing his forehead again.

Cheryl smiled. "Three mornings a week. 0800 until noon. Gibbs can consult over the phone and work from home during his off time if need be. He will work restricted hours with the ability to leave or be off work at a moment's notice in the event of an emergency. I will continue treating him during the next month, and will reevaluate his schedule at the end of January. I do like Director Morrow's suggestion of having him consult on the investigation rather than head it up."

Davenport looked at Morrow, who nodded. "I am ok with all of that, Mr. Secretary," Morrow said. "I will assign the case to Agent Dillon's team. He's a good lead, and his team is smart. Gibbs can consult on the side if need be."

The Secretary of the Navy looked at his NCIS Director. Davenport liked Morrow and had always trusted him and his judgment. "Fine," he agreed, resignedly. "If you're alright with it Morrow, then that's what we'll do. But if this dirtbag escapes, I'm going to hold you personally accountable."

"Understandable, Mr. Secretary," Morrow agreed.

Cheryl smiled and extended her hand, shaking first with the SecNav and then with the Director. "Thank you Gentlemen," she said, and hit the STOP button on the recorder. "I hope you each have a pleasant New Years."

TBC…


	28. Funny Feelings

_Thanks to my great friend for helping me with this story._

**No Chains Holding Me  
><strong>**Chapter 28: Funny Feelings**

"Thanks Cheryl," Gibbs said softly before snapping his phone shut. He took a sip of his coffee and headed back for the living room.

The television was on, and there was a black and white classic playing, though Gibbs had no idea what the name of the movie was. Tony was seated on the couch, feet tucked up under him, hair in disarray from where he'd laid on it earlier, and he was staring blankly in the direction of the television, though Gibbs wasn't sure Tony was actually watching the movie. The younger man's fingers clung tightly to the blanket that was casually draped over his lap.

"That was Cheryl," Gibbs said softly, sitting down on the couch next to Tony, but sideways so he could face his lover. "She met with Morrow and Davenport this morning."

Tony's eyes slid from the direction of the television and settled somewhere over Gibbs' right shoulder. "What's going to happen now?" he asked softly, resigned to whatever fate would be laid on them.

Gibbs took his partner's hand. "Just like Cheryl suggested," he said quietly. "I am being signed off to work three mornings a week—but instead of heading up the investigation, she somehow managed to talk them into me just consulting on the case—so I won't be going after Ari this time," he said.

"Ari—he's back?" Tony's voice sounded tired—too tired for this conversation. He looked away. "No wonder you said you needed to go back," he said softly.

"I do need to," Gibbs said. "But it won't be as much as we first thought, which is good—it's healthier for both of us that way."

Tony blinked and relief crossed his features for a moment before his expression closed down. "Are…are you sure you're ok with that? I mean _really_ ok?"

Gibbs nodded and leaned over, kissing Tony's cheek. "I'm really ok with it," he promised.

xxx

Tony and Gibbs decided to stay home on New Year's Eve night, much to Abby's dismay. She'd called a couple of times during the day with several different ideas of plans for the evening—exciting and fun festivities that she wanted them to know they were welcome to join in on.

"Think I'm too tired," Tony told Gibbs. He took a deep breath. "But if you want to…you should go."

Gibbs told Abby they'd both take a rain check this year. "We're gonna stay in," he said. When she protested, he merely hung up the phone, wondering when she'd learn.

Tony and Gibbs spent most of the afternoon on the couch, not moving, not talking, just being and enjoying the presence of the other one. Later in the day, close to dinner time, someone knocked on the door. Tony bristled and Gibbs put his hand on his sidearm as he unlocked the deadbolt.

Ducky and Palmer were standing at the door with sheepish smiles on their faces. "We do hope we didn't interrupt," Ducky said. "But it's New Year's Eve and Abby told us you had decided to stay in. So we brought you some goodies to enjoy."

Gibbs raised his eyebrows at the green glass bottle with the foil cap covering the cork. "Uh Duck—"

"I know what you are thinking Jethro," Ducky said. "This is sparkling grape juice, dear boy. Absolutely non-alcoholic."

Gibbs smiled at his friend's thoughtfulness. "I…thanks Duck," he said softly.

"You're welcome Jethro," Ducky said, patting him on the shoulder.

xxx

Later in the evening, Gibbs stood up and began pacing around the living room. Tony looked up from the New Years Eve Special that was playing quietly on the television, and smirked. "Bored?" he asked.

Gibbs looked at Tony for a long moment, and then shrugged. "Restless," he said.

"What do you want to do?" Tony asked.

Gibbs smiled. Oh he knew what he _wanted _to do…but he knew that it wasn't an option. "Dunno," he said. "Thought about working on the boat, but don't wanna leave you alone up here while I go hide in the basement."

Tony looked at him. "Do you feel like you need to hide from me?" he asked softly. Was he making Jethro uncomfortable?

"No! God no!" Gibbs said in a rush, moving to kneel in front of Tony. "I just…feel like avoiding the rest of the world. But not you," he promised. "Never you." He cupped Tony's face in his hands. "I love you," he whispered, kissing the younger man lightly.

"I love you too," Tony said softly back to him, his hands wrapping around Gibbs' wrists as he still cupped Tony's face. "I could um…what if I went to the basement with you?"

"Do you want to?"

Tony looked at him. "I'd like that," he said with a small nod. He turned off the television and looked at Gibbs.

Gibbs smiled and reached out a hand for him. Tony took it and Gibbs stood up pulling his lover up with him. They walked to the basement hand in hand, and then Tony followed Gibbs down the stairs. Gibbs was doing work on the top ribs of the boat—where you climb into it—so the boat was sitting upright, as it would in the water. Tony perched himself on the workbench, out of Gibbs' way, with his back against the wall and his knees pulled up to his chest and began watching Gibbs work.

The older man was silent for nearly an hour, when he realized that Tony wasn't talking either. He spared a glance in his partner's direction. "You ok?" he said softly. "Are you cold?"

Tony shook his head and smiled. "I'm ok," he said softly.

"You're very quiet," Gibbs commented.

Tony shrugged slightly, the smile still on his face. "Just thinking," he said softly.

Gibbs stopped working and looked at him. "Wanna share?" he asked gently.

Tony slid off the workbench and walked over to Gibbs. "It's New Year's Eve," he said softly. "Time to make wishes, make a brand new start. They say that New Year's Eve should be spent with the person you love the most," Tony reached up and palmed Gibbs' cheek lightly. "And I am, and I am so lucky for that," his voice was nearly a whisper.

Gibbs placed his hand lightly over Tony's and smiled. "I love you too, Tony," he whispered.

Tony smiled—a huge, bright smile that filled his entire face. Gibbs pulled him into a hug and kissed the side of his neck softly. "So. You get to spend your New Year's Eve with me," Gibbs said softly. "Not the most exciting person in the world…"

"Maybe not the most exciting," Tony agreed with a grin, "but definitely one of the most fascinating. I could watch you for hours. Although…I might have been sitting here daydreaming."

"Oh?" An eyebrow raised. "What were you daydreaming about?"

"About how much fun it's going to be to get in that boat with you and have it just be you and me, out in the wide open, with no worries or cares, just basking in the sunlight and enjoying the company."

Gibbs looked at Tony for a long moment without saying anything. Tony's cheeks blushed light pink and he looked down. "We've had too many sessions with Cheryl," the younger man said softly with a sheepish chuckle. "We're getting positively sappy. Me especially. Sorry."

Gibbs put a finger over Tony's lips. "Don't apologize," he said softly.

"Rule number six, I know," Tony said, eyes still on his shoes.

"No, not necessary. Don't ever apologize for telling me how you feel. I uh…I like hearing it," Gibbs said softly. An idea sprang to Gibbs' mind and he smiled. "Tell ya what. Sit here for just a minute, and I'm going to run upstairs and get something. I'll be right back."

Tony narrowed his eyes slightly but nodded. Gibbs raced up the stairs to the kitchen where he grabbed the unopened bottle of sparkling grape juice and two glasses. He wanted to make this night as wonderful as he could for Tony.

Tony's eyes widened with apprehension when he saw what Gibbs was carrying. Surely the other man knew that he…he couldn't…

Gibbs saw the look on his face. "Trust me?" he asked softly. He moved to the work bench beside where Tony was sitting and put the bottle and glasses down. He turned the bottle so Tony could see the label.

"Grape juice," Tony whispered. "Of course. You know me so well."

"I would never scare you," Gibbs said, "though Ducky and Palmer brought this by earlier."

Tony smiled. "They're good friends," he said softly. He slid off the bench and walked over to the boat. He ran his hands lightly over the smooth sanded surface and smiled. He looked up and from where he was standing could see the sky out the window.

Gibbs slid a crate over to where Tony was standing. "Climb in," he said softly.

Tony turned and looked at him, eyes wide. "Is it safe?" he asked.

Gibbs nodded and put his hands on the boat, giving it a firm shake. "Not going anywhere," he said. He put a steadying hand on Tony's back as the younger man climbed up, his other hand on the boat to make sure it would hold his partner without rocking or slipping. A moment later, Tony peered down at him, smiling from inside the boat.

Gibbs handed him the glasses and the bottle and then climbed into the boat with Tony.

Tony was surprised to find a blanket in the boat's bottom. Almost as though…"Were you expecting us to get into the boat tonight?" he asked Gibbs softly.

Gibbs shrugged. "Maybe," he said sheepishly.

Tony smiled. "That's why you wanted to work on the boat tonight—it was a ploy to get me to come to the basement with you," he accused good-naturedly.

Gibbs smiled. "Maybe," he agreed.

"Sneaky bastard," Tony grumbled, but he was smiling, so Gibbs knew it was alright.

Gibbs opened the bottle of the fizzy sparkling juice and poured a small amount into the bottom of one of the glasses. He passed it to Tony, their fingers brushing softly, before he poured some into his own glass.

"I want to make a toast," Gibbs said, setting the bottle down. "To the strongest man I have ever met. He's brave and strong, caring, one of the nicest people I know," he spoke softly. "And this year he's been through something that's been really big, really scary." Gibbs looked at his lap for a moment, then raised his gaze to Tony. "I am toasting you Tony, because you are a survivor. You are so brave, and I am so proud of you, so damn proud of you. And I would be so lucky to call you my partner—in both work and life." He gazed evenly at Tony.

Tony blinked. "In life," he whispered. "Gibbs are you…" his eyes widened slightly. "Are you proposing to me?"

His partner nodded. "I am," he confirmed. "I know it isn't legal…and that it's not something that gets discussed at work because the powers that be wouldn't understand…but I am in love with you Tony. Fully and completely. I don't want any other partners. I want to be with you, in any way that you'll have me. Forever, if possible."

Tony gasped. "God…" he breathed. A smile tugged at his features. "I um…Jesus Jet," his voice was shaking slightly. "I uh…I dunno what to say…" Gibbs' shoulders dropped. "Except yes," Tony added. "Yes I'll be your partner—in any way you want me to be." He smiled shyly. "But…are you sure?"

"I've never been more sure of anything—not even Shannon," Gibbs said. The impact of those words floored Tony and he threw himself at Gibbs, wrapping his arms tightly around him, juice spilling all over both of them.

"I love you," Tony whispered. "I love you so much."

Gibbs smiled and returned the embrace. "I love you too," he breathed into the side of Tony's neck. They repoured the juice and drank their toast, smiling at each other shyly.

The silver haired man reached out and took one of Tony's hands in his own. He traced his thumb over the back of the younger man's hand and smiled at him, looking right into his eyes. "I am committing myself to you," he said softly. "For better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, all of it. I'm all yours."

Tony's eyes widened. "I um…Wow," he breathed. "I commit myself to you too…for…for all those things you said, and so much more. I want to be with you every day. I never want to be away from you. I love you. I'm all yours too. No one else for me Gibbs."

Gibbs leaned forward and kissed Tony softly, lips barely brushing. Tony smiled into the kiss. "Did we just get married?" he asked, a giggle wavering his voice slightly.

"As married as I ever want to get again," Gibbs said with a smile. "That ok with you?"

"It's perfect," Tony said. He leaned his head against Gibbs' shoulder and they shifted so they were laying together in the boat.

"Now," Gibbs said. "Tell me about this daydream."

Hours later, Gibbs woke slowly, not sure when he'd fallen asleep. He and Tony were still in the boat, still curled around each other, unable to stand being apart, even in sleep, it seemed. Tony had shared his idea with Gibbs, who agreed wholeheartedly that it sounded wonderful. He ran a hand over Tony's shoulder, smiling when Tony did not stir. The younger man was totally relaxed, boneless, and deeply asleep in the safety of Gibbs' embrace. He knew nothing could touch him—he finally understood that he was safe with Gibbs.

Gibbs stayed where he was, careful not to disturb the younger man, and he looked up. From where he was laying he could see out the window. The moon was full and the sky was clear—exactly as Tony had described to him in his daydream. Gibbs took a deep breath and sighed. This moment, right here, was as close to any perfect daydream as Gibbs had ever experienced.

He pressed a kiss to Tony's forehead and smiled.

xxx

Gibbs picked up his keys. "Are you sure you're going to be ok?" he asked Tony.

Tony nodded. "I'm fine! I'll be…" he stopped when he saw the look on Gibbs' face. "I'll be ok Jethro," he amended softly.

"You know if you need anything you can call me. It's just the first day. Don't have to be a hero about this."

"Jethro I'm ok. I know. I'll call you if I need anything."

Gibbs nodded and took a step closer. He hesitated only a moment and then pressed a quick, light kiss to his partner's lips. "I'm so damn proud of you," he whispered fiercely. The words had a whole new meaning for Tony now. "You're so brave and I love you so much."

Tony blushed. "I…well I'm not…I mean uh…" he sighed, "I love you too," he said, his cheeks turning lightly pink.

Gibbs nodded before turning and leaving without another word. The door clicked shut and Tony smiled when he saw the deadbolt slide into the lock. The younger man turned around and glanced at the now empty house. "Well," he whispered, "Here we go."

xxx

Gibbs dialed the phone and was proud of himself. He'd made it a whole hour at work before the urge to call and check on Tony won over and he'd picked up the phone.

Tony answered the phone on the third ring. _"Hello."_

"You ok?" Gibbs cut right to the chase.

"_I'm ok,"_ Tony said softly. _"I drank some chocolate milk, and had some toast and was just about to have a shower and then check my email."_ Gibbs couldn't see as Tony glanced regretfully at the drink he'd taken two sips of and the toast that he'd managed one bite of before he'd run to the bathroom and helplessly vomited it all back up.

Jethro was quiet on his end of the line. _"How's work?"_ Tony asked finally. Gibbs was the king of succinct phone conversations and he wasn't sure why he hadn't hung up yet.

"Work's fine," Gibbs said. Another long pause. "I guess I should go…do…something," he muttered. "I uh…I miss you," he said in a low voice.

Gibbs imagined Tony smiling broadly, knowing Gibbs couldn't see it, and thinking his heart might beat right out of his chest. _"I miss you too," _Tony said shyly. _"Thanks for uh…calling and checking on me."_

"Uh huh," Gibbs said. "I'll call again soon."

"_Ok,"_ Tony said.

Gibbs tossed the phone down on his desk and ran a hand over his forehead. He picked the phone up again and began dialing and increasingly familiar phone number.

"_Cheryl Hodges,"_ she answered.

"It's Gibbs," he said, standing up from his desk. He waved for Kate and McGee to stay in their seats as he headed for the stairs.

"_Hi Gibbs,"_ Cheryl said. _"What's up?"_

"First day back at work," he replied, jogging lightly down the stairs. He needed coffee.

"_Excellent! How's it going?"_

"Horrible," Gibbs snapped. "I can't quit worrying about Tony!"

"_I think that's normal and understandable," _Cheryl said, _"Especially for your first day back. Have you spoken with him?"_

"Yeah I just did. That's partly why I'm concerned," Gibbs said, hurrying through the front door of NCIS. He shivered. Dammit he forgot his coat.

"_How was Tony when you spoke with him?"_

"Quiet," Gibbs said, stopping at the crosswalk. "Said he drank some chocolate milk, ate some toast, and was getting ready for a shower. Then he was going to check his email."

"_Sounds like he's staying busy,"_ Cheryl commented.

"Or trying to make me not worry," Gibbs replied, crossing the street.

"_You think Tony is being dishonest?"_

"No," Gibbs said, stepping into line at the coffee cart. "But I do think Tony was being intentionally vague."

"_Ah,"_ Cheryl said, not at all surprised that Gibbs would notice something like that. _"Would you like me to check on him? I was planning to call him anyway."_

"One large, black," Gibbs said to the coffee vender, the spoke into the phone again. "Would you mind?"

"_I'll give him a few minutes since you said he was heading for the shower,"_ Cheryl said. _"And then I'll call him."_

"Thanks," Gibbs said, snapping the phone shut in Cheryl's ear.

xxx

Tony was in the shower—water turned as hot as he could stand it—desperately trying to remember the visualization exercise that Cheryl had given him for showering, when he heard his cell phone ring. He quickly shut off the water and grabbed the phone. A quick glance to the clock told him he'd been in the shower for nearly 45 minutes. Shit.

Toweling off his face, Tony glanced at the phone. Cheryl. He flipped it open. "DiNozzo."

"_Hi Tony, it's Cheryl,"_ came the woman's cheerful voice through the speaker.

"Hey," Tony said, wrapping the towel around his waist. He looked at himself in the mirror and frowned, turning to the side to reveal his profile reflection. His well toned muscles were fading…he wasn't gaining weight—wasn't getting fat—was just…getting soft. He needed to hit the gym. Ever since…well, forever, he'd always worked hard to stay in shape. This was unacceptable. "What's up Cheryl?"

"_Well I know today is your first big day of independence with Gibbs back at work…I was calling to see how it's going."_

"Ohhhh," Tony said. "It's uh..it's ok," he stammered.

"_Good,"_ Cheryl said firmly. _"Now try again and this time don't lie to me."_

Tony smiled at the woman's bluntness. "I'm kind of having a bit of a hard time," he clarified.

"_Getting warmer,"_ Cheryl said. _"How are you really handling it?"_

"I'm not," Tony said softly. "I feel like every bit of progress I've made is being undone."

"_Now THAT is what I needed to know,"_ Cheryl said gently, like a mother would when lovingly scolding her child. _"Now that you're being honest with me I can help you."_

"Yeah," Tony said. "Uh…sorry about that…I just…am trying to hold it all together…ya know?"

"_I do know,"_ Cheryl said. "_Would you like to tell me about your day so far?"_

Tony sighed and was quiet for a long moment. He slid down to sit on the floor of the bathroom, towel still wrapped around his waist and his back against the cool wood of the sink cabinet. "I'm trying to act like it's just a normal day," he said softly. "I made breakfast, took a shower, talked to Jethro…" Cheryl could almost hear his shrug, "Just like it's any other day."

"_Ok that's a good strategy, as long as you understand why you're doing that,"_ Cheryl said. _"How is it working for you?"_

"Horrible," Tony's answer echoed Gibbs' earlier response to how his own day was going—except it had a note of sadness, a note of defeat in his tone that Gibbs lacked. "I mean…I guess it started out alright…until I tried to eat."

"_Did you get sick Tony?"_ There was no condemnation in Cheryl's voice.

"Yeah," Tony said softly. He paused and Cheryl waited for Tony to continue. "I didn't tell Gibbs that part," he said finally.

Intentionally vague, just as Gibbs had said.

Cheryl listened to Tony talk about the shower next—how dirty he felt—dirtier than he'd felt in some time—and how he'd tried unsuccessfully to remember the visualization exercise that she'd given him.

"_I'll write the visualization exercise out for you if you'd like," _Cheryl said. _"You could hang it in your bathroom or your medicine cabinet if you like."_

"That's a good idea," Tony agreed. "I like that. Would you mind?"

"_Not at all,"_ Cheryl said with a smile, making a note for herself so she wouldn't forget it. _"I'll have it ready for you tomorrow."_

They talked for a bit longer—until Tony's phone beeped with an incoming call.

"That's Gibbs," Tony said. "I gotta answer or he's liable to send out the cavalry."

"_Be honest with him about how you're doing,"_ Cheryl instructed. _"We have an appointment tomorrow, but you can call me before that if you need me."_

The beeping in Tony's ear stopped—he'd missed the call. Shit. "Will do. Gotta go."

Tony snapped the phone shut to end the call and then flipped it open to dial Gibbs' number. It rang exactly one and a half rings before being answered. _"What the hell DiNozzo? Are you alright?"_ Gibbs barked into the phone.

"I'm fine Jethro," Tony said. "I was on the phone with Cheryl—she wouldn't let me get a word in to get off the phone and answer!"

"_Ohhhh,"_ Gibbs said and Tony could hear the relief in his tone. _"You doing alright?"_

Tony looked at the clock on the wall. Almost 10:30. Hour and a half until Gibbs got off work, two hours before he got home. He was over halfway there. "I'm ok," he said. "Not great, but ok."

"_Do you need me to come home?"_ There was no jest in Gibbs' tone. He was dead serious. If Tony needed him to—if Tony gave him the word, Gibbs would leave right then and come home.

"I don't think so," Tony said. "I just…am trying to adjust."

"_Have you gotten sick?"_

Tony rolled his eyes at Jethro's mother henning. "Yes," he said. "One time."

"_And did you actually eat and drink like you said you did?"_

"Two sips and one bite. Threw it all back up. I'm ok though. Really. You know some days I'm just…like this."

Gibbs didn't like it. Part of him felt like he needed to rush home, but he knew this was a big deal for Tony. If he wasn't asking for him to come home, then Gibbs wouldn't force the issue. Tony was smart enough to ask for help if he needed it. The older man thought this was important for Tony too—it was important for him to reclaim his independence.

"_Ok,"_ Gibbs said, rubbing a hand over his forehead. _"I'm going to call you again in a few minutes ok? You just hang in there. If something changes and you need me, you call me. Do not try to be a hero today. We'll work our way up if we have to."_

"Alright," Tony said. "Thanks, Jethro."

"_You're welcome. I'll call again in a bit. I love you."_

Tony knew that Gibbs must be by himself. "You're buying coffee aren't you? Sneaky. I like it." He chuckled lightly in Gibbs' ear.

Jethro rolled his eyes and stepped up to the coffee cart again. _"Goodbye DiNozzo,"_ he said, and ended the call.

xxx

Gibbs returned to the bullpen with his coffee cup in hand and was met in their area by Kate Todd, smirking, arms crossed, not buying his errand for a moment. "So how's Tony?" she asked sweetly.

Gibbs smirked and narrowed his eyes. "Aren't you supposed to be working?"

"Aren't you?" Kate snarked back, then slapped a hand over her mouth when she realized she said it out loud. "Right Boss. Sorry Boss." She sat down at her desk and picked up the case file.

Gibbs sat down at his own desk. "He's fine. Adjusting."

"He got sick didn't he?" Kate kept her voice low. McGee was trolling around downstairs in IT trying to find a lead on one of Ari's suspected accounts.

Gibbs nodded, "Only once," he said. "He's really trying to be brave and hold it all together. I think he's worried that there might be repercussions otherwise," he glanced in the direction of the Director's office when he spoke, indicating to the Profiler just what those "repercussions" might be.

A while later—maybe a quarter hour—Gibbs' cell phone rang. He frowned when he saw who it was.

"DiNozzo," he answered on the second ring. "Ya ok?" Gibbs asked, wasting no time with pleasantries.

"_I'm ok,"_ Tony said softly. Gibbs thought he sounded exhausted. He definitely sounded not-ok.

"I'm not convinced," Gibbs said. Kate looked up from the file she was reading, making no secret herself of the fact that she was listening shamelessly to their conversation. She glanced across the walkway to McGee, who was also listening, and then turned her attention back to Gibbs' phone conversation.

"_I just um…I have a bad feeling,"_ Tony said. _"You know…in my gut."_

"What kind of bad feeling?"

"_I dunno…I can't figure out if it's just nerves from being by myself, or if it's because I know what case you're working on or what…I just…feel like someone's watching me or something. Stupid I know."_

"Not stupid," Gibbs said. Dammit he should have known this could be a possibility. Ari had sworn revenge on Gibbs—what better way to make that happen than to terrorize Tony? "I'm coming with the team and we'll check everything out." He glanced at the clock. "After that I'll stay home. I'll let the director know what's going on and we're on our way. I'm bringing Kate and McGee." He gestured for the others to grab their things.

"_I'm in the basement,"_ Tony said softly. _"I don't…I didn't know…will you bring me my gun? I think it's still at work."_

"There's a spare in my sock drawer," Gibbs told him. "We're twenty minutes out and leaving now. Kate and McGee are coming to help you so don't get upset when they come in ok?"

"_Yeah,"_ Tony said softly. _"I think it's probably nothing."_

"We'll treat it like nothing when we know it's nothing. You did the right thing by calling me Tony. We'll be there soon."

"_Ok,"_ Tony whispered.

"I've got your six," Gibbs promised. His lover—his _husband—_sounded scared and that worried him. He tried not to think about how unshakable Tony used to be…before…

"_Thanks,"_ Tony whispered, and disconnected.

Gibbs got in the driver seat and punched the number for the Director as he squealed out of the parking lot. He needed to let Tom know that the stakes had potentially just gotten a lot higher. He wasn't going to leave Tony alone if it put him in danger.

He didn't care who he had to piss off to keep his lover safe. Tony was his number one priority, and above all else, Tony would be safe. Ari and NCIS and the SecNav could all kiss his ass.

No one would hurt Tony again and live to tell about it.

TBC…


	29. Threatened

**WARNING: **(wow haven't done this in a while) **GRAPHIC CONTENT AHEAD! Content may be disturbing to some readers. Reference to nonconsensual sex. CLIFFHANGER WARNING!**

_Thanks as always to my wonderful friend who has guided me throughout this story. _

**No Chains Holding Me  
><strong>**Chapter 29: Threatened**

The director was fully supportive of Gibbs and his team checking on Tony—good because Gibbs and his team were already on their way over to Gibbs' house. The lead agent swerved in and out of traffic, his junior agents holding onto the handles over their doors, mouths set in determined frowns. Today they would neither complain nor comment on Gibbs' crazy-scary driving. Today they had to protect Tony. Who was alone. No one was there to watch his six, and the three agents heading towards him were acutely aware of how alone he was.

When they arrived at Gibbs' house, Gibbs sent the two junior agents around back to check the perimeter, while he headed inside. He didn't see anyone on the first floor. Speaking quietly into their com set, Gibbs instructed Kate and McGee to finish up outside and then check the second floor of the house. He was going to head to the basement to find Tony.

Stepping quietly down the stairs, not knowing what he might find here, Gibbs kept his grip steady on his Sig and his eyes scanned the room, quickly moving from one side to the other and back again as he made his way down the stairs. When he got to the bottom of the steps he turned around and glanced back up to the landing, and then turned around and looked around the basement again. He didn't see Tony anywhere. He didn't see Ari either, which caused him to breathe a cautious sigh of relief.

"Tony? You down here?" he spoke softly, his gut tingling. He should never have ended the call with Tony. Should have kept him on the line. Had that sonofabitch taken him? Hurt him? …Killed him?

Gibbs glanced around the basement one last time, before thinking he should head up and see what the others have found. Maybe Tony moved out of the basement and went to another part of the house. He put his foot on the bottom step and then stopped. There was one place he hadn't looked.

Turning around, he rushed over to the boat—still upright from the work he was doing on it and the tryst they'd had in the boat two nights before. The crate that he'd placed there to help them climb into the boat was still where he'd put it and Gibbs holstered his gun, put his hands on the side of the boat, and stepped up onto the crate. He peered over the side of the boat and his heart twisted at the same time he let out a huge sigh of relief.

"Tony!" Gibbs pulled the blanket off of his lover, relieved that he'd found him, and Tony blinked up at him in the weak light.

"Gibbs," Tony whispered. "I didn't…I didn't know where else to hide," he said softly. "I'm sorry."

"No apologies," Gibbs said, helping Tony up. He helped the younger man down, even though his balance was steady, it felt good just to have his hands on his partner again. "I've got you now. You're safe. It's alright." He drew Tony into an embrace, safe and warm, and the younger man all but melted against him.

"Did you find anybody?" the younger man asked softly.

Gibbs ran his hands up Tony's back and back down, his touch firm but soothing. "Not yet," he said softly. "Kate and McGee are checking around."

"I hope it's nothing but me overreacting," Tony said with a sheepish grin. "Although I'll never live it down if it is nothing." He chuckled at himself, but the sound lacked mirth.

"C'mon," Gibbs said, wrapping an arm around Tony's shoulders and steering him towards the steps. "Let's go see if the others found anything."

xxx

While Gibbs was making his entrance through the front door, Kate and McGee were working their way around the side of Gibbs' house towards the backdoor. They didn't see anything suspicious until they got to the back yard and Gibbs' back gate was swinging open, creaking softly in the winter midday. Kate pulled out her camera and snapped a picture. Pulling on gloves, she stepped carefully over to the gate and shut it softly. There were footprints in the snow, heading out of the back yard and through the gate.

"McGee," she hissed. "I've got footprints over here."

They worked quickly and quietly, measuring the foot print and photographing it as well as they could to get an idea of the shoe pattern. Once that was finished, they flagged the area, and the two headed for the back porch. The footprints near the gate started on the steps and it was quite obvious that the footprints were fresh—it had been snowing off and on all morning, so any footprints made in the early morning would have been covered up by the falling snow.

Kate raised her wrist to her lips. "Gibbs we've got footprints," she spoke softly into her com.

"I've got something!" McGee called from the top of the porch. He lifted his own camera and shot a picture of the large brown envelope that was duct taped to Gibbs' back door.

_~We're coming up~ _Gibbs buzzed through. _ ~I've got Tony~_

McGee pulled the envelope off of the glass pane on the door and headed inside with Kate right behind him. The envelope was sealed, and in thick black letters on the front, someone had written "LEROY JETHRO GIBBS." The younger agent met the eyes of the profiler and both of their faces were grim. This couldn't be good.

xxx

Tony stayed behind Gibbs, but remained close as they walked in the kitchen. "What do ya got McGee?" Gibbs asked as soon as he laid eyes on the other two agents.

"Footprints leading from the back porch out the gate, the gate was swinging open and we need to dust it for prints, and this was taped to your back door," McGee said, confident in what he was reporting—maybe for the first time ever.

Gibbs' eyes narrowed when he saw the envelope and he ripped it open. Inside was a single sheet of paper. Tossing the envelope aside, Gibbs began to read, his anger building with each word.

_My Dearest Agent Gibbs_

_I must express how unhappy I am that you have managed to curtail a good bit of my fun and games by your investigations. I am most displeased at how suspicious people in my circle of friends have become of me. It's degrading, even dehumanizing, to be so untrusted. _

_I think that it is only fitting, since you stole all of my fun, that I should be able to replace my fun with some of YOUR fun. I heard what happened to your partner—and dare I say it—your lover. It seems someone has already had some fun with him…perhaps he would enjoy a repeat performance?_

_If I were you, Gibbs, I would watch yours and Agent DiNozzo's sixes. I certainly am._

_Warmest Regards,_

_Ari_

Gibbs flung the letter onto the counter, a grimace of disgust on his face. "That dirty sonofabitch," he muttered. "Kate, McGee go fingerprint the gate and make sure it was Ari and not one of his lackeys who delivered this letter. I need to call the director and—" he stopped when he saw the expression on Kate's face change. She was looking over Gibbs' shoulder—at Tony.

Gibbs followed her gaze and turned around. Tony was white as a sheet. His eyes were wide and unblinking, his breathing was beginning to choke off into gasps of panic. Gibbs put his hands on Tony's shoulders and shook him a bit. "Ok Tony? Tony look at me. It's alright, you're safe. No one is going to hurt you. Hear me? Tony?" Gibbs gave him another shake, a bit firmer this time, but the horrible gasping continued and Tony's gaze did not move from the letter from Ari.

"He was reading over your shoulder I think, Boss," McGee said softly.

Gibbs glanced back at the youngest agent and then briefly looked to the letter. _Perhaps he would enjoy a repeat performance._ Gibbs turned back to Tony. "Listen to me Tony. You with me? Tony? AGENT DINOZZO!"

Nothing. There was no response. Tony was standing as still as a statue, his face pale, sweat beginning to form on his forehead, and his eyes were wide and seemingly unseeing. He was trembling from head to foot, and appeared to be caught in a memory.

Gibbs knew what that memory was, too. Dammit, he shouldn't have let Tony see the letter, but he didn't realize that he'd been reading over his shoulder. He pulled out his phone and flipped it open. He hit a button to dial a number then raised the phone to his ear. "Ok Tony," he said softly, running his fingers lightly through Tony's hair near his temple. "I've got you. You're safe. Hear me? You're safe. Cheryl?" he suddenly turned his attention to the voice on the other end of the phone, even as he maintained his soothing touches with Tony.

"Let's go outside McGee," Kate said softly. "Tony wouldn't want us to watch this, and we need to get those fingerprints done."

McGee nodded and began following Kate, both agents looking over their shoulders at their friend as they made their way out the door.

xxx

Cheryl had just returned to her office when she heard the phone ringing. She was about to call and check on Tony, but figured she'd be taking this call first. "Cheryl Hodges," she said cheerfully.

In the background on the other end of the line, Cheryl could hear someone gasping for air. "Who is this?" she said.

"_Gibbs,"_ came the voice on the other end. _"I need your help. I've got an emergency situation here and I don't know what to do."_

"Ok Gibbs calm down and tell me what's going on," Cheryl instructed gently, knowing full well this could set the man off.

"_It's Tony,"_ he breathed. _"He called me at work a little bit ago, said he felt like someone was watching him. I brought my team to my house and they found a note taped to my backdoor making a blatant threat against Tony."_

"Ok…" Cheryl said softly.

"_Tony read the note over my shoulder—I didn't realize it at the time—and the threat was for a 'repeat performance' of what has already happened to him. He read it and now he's completely unresponsive."_

"Is he conscious?"

"_Yes,"_ Gibbs said softly. _"Well. I mean. His eyes are open and he's breathing, but he isn't talking or responding to me at all. I guess he's conscious? He's shaking and his hands are cold though…He kind of is acting like he's in shock…what do I do Cheryl?"_

"If he's acting like he's going into shock then you have to take him to the hospital," Cheryl told him, grabbing her keys. "Which hospital do you go to?"

"_Bethesda,"_ came the soft reply.

"Can you get him to the hospital or do you need to hang up and call an ambulance?"

"_I…I think…c'mon Tony, let's go, you're safe with me, always safe with me, c'mon let's go…Cheryl? He's coming with me. He's letting me lead him to the car."_

"Ok good," Cheryl said. "Is there someone there who can drive you? You need to focus on keeping Tony as calm as possible, and honestly you're in no state to drive either."

"_Yeah…Yeah Kate and McGee are both here…I can get one of them…"_

"Ok Gibbs, I want you to try to keep Tony breathing evenly. See if you can get him to match your breathing. It sounds like he's having a flashback. When you get to the hospital call me. We are not going to let them admit him to the psych ward even though they will probably want to. Isolation and observation is not what he needs right now. I can help him, and once I get to the hospital I'll make sure they know I'm his doctor alright?"

"_He can't go to the psych ward,"_ Gibbs murmured softly. _"He'll never be able to be an agent again if he goes to the psych ward. We have to keep him out of there at all costs…he'd never forgive me if…"_

"Gibbs listen to me. Focus. We aren't going to let that happen. Now get going to the hospital and I will meet you there."

Cheryl got off the phone with Gibbs and climbed into her car. She dialed her secretary upstairs as she cranked the motor on her car and pulled out into traffic—with driving that would rival the man she'd been on the phone with moments ago. "Ellen? It's Cheryl. I'm headed to the hospital to be with one of my patients. It's an emergency. I need you to cancel my calendar for today and tomorrow." She hung up the phone without waiting for a reply and mashed the gas harder.

xxx

_My Dearest Agent Gibbs_

_I must express how unhappy I am that you have managed to curtail a good bit of my fun and games by your investigations. I am most displeased at how suspicious people in my circle of friends have become of me. It's degrading, even dehumanizing, to be so untrusted. _

_I think that it is only fitting, since you stole all of my fun, that I should be able to replace my fun with some of YOUR fun. I heard what happened to your partner—and dare I say it—your lover. It seems someone has already had some fun with him…perhaps he would enjoy a repeat performance?_

_If I were you, Gibbs, I would watch yours and Agent DiNozzo's sixes. I certainly am._

_Warmest Regards,_

_Ari_

Tony couldn't believe his eyes as he read the note from Ari. Arrogant bastard…he kept reading. _Perhaps he would enjoy a repeat performance…_

Tony froze and for a moment he thought his heart would stop completely. His vision tunneled down into a pinpoint, focusing only on the words "repeat performance." Repeat performance repeat performance…

Images flooded through Tony's mind. All five of his senses were suddenly attacked by an onslaught of inputs. His eyes saw the dim light of the single bulb that hung from the ceiling, swinging back and forth—but was it swinging or was that from the way his body was being rocked by the attack filling his body from every angle.

_So sweet._

_Take it bitch._

_Drink up asshole, then we're gonna have a party._

_Such a tight boy. _

_Love this. _

_Gonna fuck you all night long._

Tony felt his nose being held shut, could feel the burn of the liquor as it was poured down his throat, and he felt himself wanting to choke and gag, but the lethargy from the drugs kept him from being able to do so. He felt leaden in concrete, unable to move, barely able to breathe.

The sounds of sex filled his ears, around the hateful, spiteful words that ricocheted around him. He was barely aware of the sound of Jeffrey and Lane arguing. What were they arguing about? He couldn't understand the words…what were they saying to him…what did it all mean? Why were they hurting him? Why couldn't he make them stop?

He could smell the liquor, the creek whose stench still clung to Jeffrey's skin, and the smell of sweat, heat, and body fluids. He could feel the thin mattress beneath him, the ache in his bones from being dumped down the hill and landing in the creek, the chill of fear up his spine when he realized he couldn't move…could barely think…when he realized there was no escape…he could feel the way the drugs threatened to pull him under, slurring his words, making it so hard to think, to move, to breathe…it was easier—was it easier?—to settle into the sensations—to enjoy the feel of blood rushing to his growing erection, to feel the—wait…he didn't want this…he wasn't supposed to enjoy this…feelings of shame coursed through him, and his breath came in even harsher gasps.

Where was Gibbs? Why wasn't he there? Wasn't he supposed to be keeping track of Tony? How had he lost his backup? What was going on? He needed to get away…to escape…needed out of this situation…the inky blackness—the tar was back—threatening to rise up and swallow him whole…he couldn't breathe, he couldn't see, there was only sensations…only the need to get away…the feel of their bodies slapping together, his body rocking—but was it pleasure? Or was it pain? It was difficult to distinguish between the two…he needed to get out…needed to get away…

But how?

"Tony?" He could hear someone speaking to him…calling his name…but they sounded so far away. Was the person outside? Who was it?

"Tony you with me?" The voice sounded so caring…so…concerned. He needed to figure out who it was, who was speaking to him? Where were they?

Tony looked around, forcing his head to roll from one side to the other, searching for the owner of the gently concerned sounding voice. He couldn't see them, but he continued to hear the voice speaking softly to him.

Tony blinked and stared up at his attacker. He could see Jeffrey White…face twisted into a jubilant sneer as he fucked Tony dry…there was no pleasure meant to be had for Tony in this act. Jeffrey leaned over Tony and just before his teeth met his skin to bite him again, the face began to change. Features on the other man's face began to distort, his nose became longer, his eyes became darker, the glasses disappeared…pounds of weight evaporated from White's face, and Tony gasped in horror as Jeffrey became Ari Haswari…and the jubilant sneer began to twist into a satisfied smirk. Ari completed the motion—moving his face down close to Tony's ear.

"Perhaps you would like a repeat performance," Ari whispered into Tony's ear, the voice haunting every corner of his mind.

Tony groaned and struggled, but was mostly held under the power of the drugs he could feel burning through his veins. Unable to move or talk, Tony merely groaned.

"AGENT DINOZZO!" The gentle voice sounded sharper this time, more…desperate? Was the voice angry with Tony? He wanted Gibbs…needed to find Gibbs…maybe…if he could just find a way to get away from Jeff—no Ari—no Lane—who was it attacking him? He needed to get away…then he could focus on finding Gibbs.

Tony vaguely had the sensation that he was moving…he had gotten away from his attacker…he needed to get moving now—he needed to find Gibbs…he didn't even know how he'd gotten here…wherever here was.

xxx

Once Gibbs got off the phone with Cheryl he began moving the younger man slowly through the house, talking to him the whole while—sometimes using a calm, soft tone, other times speaking sharper to Tony, doing anything he could think of to try and snap him out of the memory he was caught in.

"I gotcha Tony, c'mon we're going, you're safe, I've got you. Let's go Tony," Gibbs murmured softly, seemingly to himself.

He opened the front door to his house and led Tony outside. Tony bristled for a moment in the cold. He wasn't wearing a coat—Gibbs hadn't taken the time to grab one for either of them. "With me Tony?" Gibbs asked softly when he felt the younger man stiffen. Gibbs stopped walking and put his hands on Tony's shoulders. Eyeing him carefully, and quickly determining that Tony was indeed, not with him at all, he hooked one hand lightly under Tony's arm, the other held his elbow firmly, leading him carefully down the front steps and out to the car.

For whatever reason, Kate had locked her doors when they got out of the car. He whistled to get Kate and McGee's attention. While he waited for Kate to join them, Gibbs knelt down and scooped up some snow in his hand. "Sorry Tony," he whispered, just as he put the handful of snow into Tony's hand and wrapped his fingers around it.

The sudden burst of cold caused Tony to gasp and he blinked several times. "Gibbs," he breathed softly. "I gotta find him…gotta find Gibbs…"

Kate joined them. "What's up Boss?"

"I need to get him to Bethesda. You're driving," Gibbs told her. "Call McGee and tell him what's going on. Get him to call Morrow and get another team out here."

Kate nodded and hurried around to the driver door. She unlocked all of the doors and Gibbs began coaxing Tony into the backseat. Tony seemed to collapse into Gibbs' frame then, clinging to him and burying his head into Gibbs' warm shoulder.

It was eerily reminiscent of the day they'd found Tony sitting in the car at the storage facility with Jeffrey White dead in the back seat. Tony sank into Gibbs and seemed to be checked out, running on autopilot…obviously somewhere in Tony's mind he'd made the connection that he was with Gibbs and that he was safe, but was having a hard time finding his way back.

xxx

The drive passed quickly and peacefully, with Gibbs muttering reassurances to Tony the whole way, Tony mumbling softly about needing to get away, needing to find Gibbs, needing to get somewhere safe, and Kate trying her best to focus on the slickish roads and not so much listen to the men in the backseat of the car.

When Kate pulled in to the lot outside of the Bethesda Emergency Department, it didn't take her long to spot Cheryl or Ducky—both of whom were standing outside awaiting their arrival. Cheryl all but dove into the backseat as soon as Kate got the car stopped.

"Gibbs how's he doing?" Cheryl wanted to know.

"Been muttering to himself about needing to find me, get somewhere safe, and get away. I keep trying to tell him he's with me and he's safe, but…" Gibbs shrugged. "I don't know that he can hear me. I handed him some snow before we got in the car and it seemed to snap him out of it a bit, but not enough."

"Let's get him inside. You lead him," Cheryl directed. "Ducky go tell the—" she paused, smiling when she saw Ducky already coming back outside with a doctor in tow. "—the doctors that we're here," she finished to herself.

Gibbs led Tony slowly out of the car. A nurse appeared with a wheelchair. "Let's get him inside," she said gently. Gibbs guided Tony towards the chair, but the younger man suddenly gripped his arms, shaking his head wildly. Tony didn't want to sit. "Ok," Gibbs said. "He doesn't have to sit does he?" he ran soothing hands up and down Tony's arms, trying to keep the younger man calm.

"He really needs to be in the wheelchair, with him as unstable as he is right now," the nurse said gently.

"No!" Cheryl snapped. "Tony needs as much control here as he can get. If he's telling us he doesn't want to sit in the wheelchair, then we need to respect his wishes. Otherwise he's going to start shutting down on us and I have no guarantees we'll be able to reach him if that happens. He walks."

The nurse nodded, listening to the woman who was obviously in control of the situation. "We need to take him to triage," she told Cheryl, who nodded.

"Gibbs can you lead him inside or do you need some help?" Cheryl asked him. Ducky was speaking softly with Kate, no doubt making plans for the evening to come.

"I can lead him," Gibbs said softly. "Hear that Tony?" he addressed the younger man. "I'm right here. It's me. It's Gibbs. We're going to go inside now. Let's take a step to your left," he smiled as he watched Tony respond to the instructions. "Good, now we're going to go this way, through this door here," they were slowly making their way into the hospital. Gibbs had his arms hooked gently around Tony's ribs and under his elbow, providing support and leading him in the direction he needed to go. The nurse pointed them towards the triage cubicle and Gibbs headed in the indicated direction.

Inside triage, Cheryl hovered close. "Tony it's Cheryl, can you hear me?"

Tony didn't respond, other than to continue muttering about escaping and finding Gibbs. His eyes were on his shoes.

The triage nurse sat down. "Name?"

"Anthony DiNozzo," Gibbs responded.

The nurse blinked at him. "Your name?"

"Leroy Jethro Gibbs."

"Relationship to the patient?"

Gibbs narrowed his eyes. "Medical Proxy and Power of Attorney," he said, purposefully leaving off the fact that they were lovers. He didn't think the nurse would be amused by that.

The nurse nodded. "Annnnd reason he's being seen today?"

"Psychological shock," Cheryl provided when Gibbs hesitated. "My name is Dr. Cheryl Hodges, I am Mr. DiNozzo's mental health provider."

The nurse met the doctor's gaze for a long moment then nodded. "I need to check his vitals. Mr. DiNozzo?" she addressed Tony, whose gaze remained on the floor. He didn't respond. "Mr. DiNozzo I need you to sit down so I can check your vital signs."

Gibbs moved Tony towards a chair, but once again, Tony refused to sit. Shaking his head desperately, he began to murmur "no" repeatedly, clinging to Gibbs arms.

"Ok," Gibbs whispered. "Ok you don't have to."

"Gotta get outta here," Tony whispered. "Gotta find Gibbs."

"I'm right here Tony," Gibbs said, momentarily forgetting everything else. His entire focus was on getting his partner to recognize him. "C'mon back now Tony, and look at me. It's Gibbs. I'm right here with ya." He patted Tony gently on the cheek and the younger man flinched hard away from the touch. Tony banged his shoulder hard against the corner of the wall and let out a low whine of pain. "Hey easy," Gibbs said, moving in closer to Tony once again. "Easy Tony."

Tony blinked and looked around. Where was he? It looked like…was he in the hospital? How had he gotten here? And there was Gibbs—thank God—right in front of him.

"Gibbs," he breathed softly.

"Right here Tony," Gibbs said softly, nodding to Cheryl.

"What…what happened? How'd I get here? Where are we?" Tony looked around, still slightly panicked.

"Easy, take it easy," Cheryl said moving in close to Tony. "Let's let the nurse finish your vital signs ok? Then we'll talk. You're at the hospital. You're safe. Just relax."

Tony looked uneasily from Cheryl to Gibbs and back again before nodding quietly. He acquiesced to the rest of his vital sign checks, the nurse noting that Tony's blood pressure was very low—almost dangerously so, his pulse was thready and fast, his temperature was a bit below normal, he was sweating, clammy to the touch, and when asked, Tony told the nurse that he was dizzy feeling, and also quite nauseous.

The triage nurse wrapped Tony in a blanket, slapped a bracelet around his wrist, and told them to sit tight while she let the doctors know that Tony needed to be seen as soon as possible. Cheryl and Gibbs supported Tony as he slowly made his way to the waiting room, where he was immediately overwhelmed to see Kate, McGee and Ducky there. The only ones missing was Abby and Palmer, who were both still at NCIS.

Tony didn't speak to anyone, merely sank into a chair and curled up small as he could, and he bent at the waist to tuck his face into his lap. Gibbs hovered protectively, and Cheryl sat in the chair beside him and started speaking very softly in his ear.

"What'd they say, Boss?" Kate asked. She eyed Tony carefully, concern filling her gaze.

"They're going to get him back in just a minute," Gibbs said softly. "His vitals are all over the place. He's showing signs of shock."

"Anthony DiNozzo," a male voice called from the end of the room near the door.

Tony shrank in farther on himself, even as Gibbs and Cheryl moved to help him up. Together the three of them made their way to the doorway where the doctor had grabbed a wheelchair. "Have a seat Mr. DiNozzo," he instructed.

"No," Tony whispered, shaking his head. He didn't know why he didn't want to sit, but something in his gut told him to stay up, on his feet, so he could escape in a hurry if need be.

The doctor huffed, perturbed by his patient's stubbornness. "It will make this easier on everyone if you just have a seat. That way we can push you. You're in no condition to be walking."

"'m fine," Tony mumbled, still refusing to sit. "Shoulder hurts," he mumbled softly, one hand raising to the other shoulder—the one he slammed into the wall.

"He hit his shoulder while he was in triage," Gibbs said softly. "Do you think we can get someone to look at it as well?"

"Mmmh," the doctor muttered, turning his back on his patient and leading the way to the cubicle where he would be examined. "If he'll allow me to do anything," he said, a bite to his tone. He led them into the exam room.

"He's just feeling confused. He had a flashback to a traumatic event about a month ago, and he was unresponsive. He was conscious, but that's why we brought him in. He was displaying signs of shock," Cheryl said.

The doctor turned and looked at Cheryl. "Who are you? His mother?"

"No, I'm his mental health provider," Cheryl said.

The doctor nodded and made a note on Tony's chart. "You said he was experiencing a flashback and hurt his shoulder…I'll call up to Psych and get him a bed set up. We'll have to keep him for 48 hours."

"Nope," Gibbs said shaking his head. "Can't do that."

"Can't do what?" The doctor asked, looking over his glasses at Gibbs.

"You can't put him in the Psych ward," Cheryl said, jumping to Gibbs' aid. "The type of work he does…if a stay in the Psych Ward goes into his medical records he won't be able to continue doing his job."

"Well if he's hurting himself and having flashbacks it sounds like he doesn't need to be doing his job anyway," the doctor retorted.

"May I speak with you in the hall please," Cheryl said, her eyes dark with anger, and her voice very, very quiet and controlled.

The doctor fought the urge to roll his eyes, but followed Cheryl into the hall. Cheryl glanced back over her shoulder. "Won't be a minute," she said to Gibbs and Tony.

Gibbs eased Tony down into the only chair in the room, and the younger man leaned against him. "I'm so glad Cheryl came with us," he whispered to Tony, who nodded.

xxx

Out in the hallway, Cheryl pulled the curtain to give Gibbs and Tony some privacy, and turned around to face the doctor. "Here's the deal," Cheryl said, her voice still dangerously soft. "That man in there is a federal agent. He works for NCIS and was involved in an undercover assignment last month that went south. It left him pretty traumatized and he's been experiencing some pretty scary flashbacks. Now. You can listen to me—his _doctor_—who has been treating him since this all started, or you can walk around with your head up your ass and be a pompous know-it-all who knows absolutely nothing. I can tell you right now though that if that's the road you want to go down, I will take it all the way to the Chairman of the Board of this hospital, and they will know _exactly _how you treated this patient. Now. He has not been a threat to himself or to anyone else since this started. He flinched when he was touched suddenly and slammed into the corner of the wall by accident and hurt his shoulder. I suggest you find him a private room that is far, far away from the goddamn psych ward, or I will have you on a platter for lunch. We clear?"

The doctor tugged at his collar and nervously pushed his glasses up his nose. He was a nice looking man, dark hair cut short, combed over on top, light freckles and age lines on his face, and a gentle manner about him. Cheryl wasn't sure why this guy was having such an issue with Tony.

"We're clear," he said softly. "I'll order an x-ray for his shoulder and we'll find him a room. I'd still like to keep him for at least 24 hours just to make sure the shock passes."

"I can agree to him staying as long as you need him to as long as you put him somewhere that isn't in the Psych Ward. It would do more damage than good if you were to put him there. When he has his flashbacks he relies on the people around him to help him come out of them, and to help him understand what happened. If you isolate him in the Psych Ward it's going to do more harm than good because those people—his family—won't be allowed to visit—at least for the first day. Add to the fact that he'd not ever be able to do his job again."

"I see what you mean," the doctor said. "We'll make it work for him, don't worry."

"Thank you," Cheryl said, offering him a smile—a truce.

The doctor nodded and Cheryl disappeared back into the cubicle.

xxx

"So?" Gibbs asked when she poked her head back in. Cheryl quickly noticed how exhausted Tony looked. His eyes had deep, dark circles underneath them, and he was slumping against Gibbs with his eyes shut.

"They're going to admit him," Cheryl said and watched as both Tony and Gibbs bristled at her words. "But they are going to put him in a regular room on a regular floor. He isn't going to go to the Mental Health wing. They're going to keep you for at least 24 hours Tony to monitor your shock symptoms and make sure that you aren't having any complications from that. They are also going to order an x-ray for your shoulder."

"Shoulder's fine," Tony mumbled, shying away from Cheryl. "Just wanna sleep."

"You'll get to sleep soon," Cheryl said. "In fact, if you wanted to, you could crawl up on the gurney here and rest."

Tony shook his head. "No…no I want to go home…I don't want to stay here." Tony raised fearful eyes up at Gibbs. "Please don't make me stay," he whispered.

Gibbs knelt in front of Tony so he could look him in the eye. He took the younger man's hands gently in his own and squeezed them lightly. "I wish I could take you home right now," Gibbs said softly. "But I need to know for sure you're alright. But I'll make a deal with you." At Tony's skeptical glance Gibbs' gaze softened a bit. "I promise you that I will stay right by your side the entire time you're here—even in x-ray if they'll let me. I won't leave you alone here, alright? We're together. I'm not going to let anything happen to you and I'm not going to leave you. But we have to listen to the doctors, alright?"

Tony nodded, then startled badly when the curtain shifted and Ducky poked his head in. "Dear me," the old ME said, "I didn't mean to startle you Anthony. I merely thought I would come and see how you were faring back here."

"They're gonna keep him, at least until tomorrow," Gibbs reported.

"Ah, yes, a wise decision, I would think," Ducky agreed.

Tony seemed to slump in his chair even more. He really just wanted to go home. That wasn't too much to ask, was it?

The ER doctor reappeared. "We have a room ready for him," he said, looking nervously at Cheryl. "It's on the third floor, room 345. We'll stop by Radiology on our way up and get the x-ray of that shoulder. Mr. DiNozzo…would you uh…would you like a wheelchair or would you prefer to walk?"

Tony shot to his feet. "NO! I can…" he stopped suddenly, and closed his eyes for a long moment, then slowly blinked them back open. "I can uhmm…"

"Tony?" Gibbs said, moving in front of Tony, not liking how pale he'd suddenly gotten. "Maybe you better sit for a minute," he said softly.

Tony opened glazed eyes and stared at Gibbs. "'m…gonna…"

With no other warning, Tony collapsed in the floor.

TBC…


	30. Shock

**Author's Note:** Dear "Guest" (my anonymous reviewer) Thank you so much for reading and sending me your nice comment! Unfortunately, this is kind of the way recovery from a sexual assault goes—it really can be one step forward and two steps back. There is a happy ending coming though—so stay with me! Thanks for reading and commenting!

_Thanks as always to my very brave, very wonderful friend, for all of your help with this story. _

**No Chains Holding Me  
><strong>**Chapter 30: Shock**

Tony hit the floor before Gibbs could even react. "Jesus! Tony!" Gibbs was on his knees next to his partner seconds after Tony dropped.

The doctor hit a button on the wall and then moved in close to Tony. "I'm going to get right in here," he said, moving in close to Tony. He pulled out a light and began checking Tony's eyes for signs of concussion. Tony squinted and groaned when the light hit his eyes. He turned his head weakly away from the light, and his eyes fluttered open slowly.

"Mr. DiNozzo can you hear me?"

"Mmmh," Tony said with a slight nod.

"Are you feeling dizzy?"

"Mmm yeah," Tony said softly. "'m gonna be sick." He started to push himself up, but was stopped by the doctor and Gibbs.

"Take it easy," the doctor told him. "I think you stood up too quickly and bottomed out your already low blood pressure. Just rest for a minute and give your body a chance to catch up."

Tony nodded, but continued trying to sit up. The doctor allowed him to sit up, with Gibbs helping him maintain his balance, and once sitting, Tony raised a shaking hand to his forehead.

"Ok Tony?" Gibbs asked softly.

"Happened?" Tony asked. He felt so strange. Weak and shaky, as though his limbs wouldn't hold him up.

"You passed out," Gibbs said gently.

Tony looked at him like he'd grown another head. "'mpossible," he mumbled. "D'Nozzos don't pass out."

"Well ok, your blood pressure bottomed out when you stood up and dumped you onto the floor," Gibbs snarked good naturedly.

"Let's get you up on the gurney," the doctor said. Tony started to struggle, but was so tired, so sick feeling, that he just nodded and allowed himself to be helped.

"Shoulder hurts," Tony mumbled softly.

"Let's go get that looked at," the doctor said. Tony nodded slowly, then eased back to lay on the gurney. The doctor quickly covered Tony with a blanket and wet a washcloth.

"What's that for?" Gibbs asked.

The doctor folded it and placed it carefully over Tony's closed eyes. "Might help with the dizziness some," he said.

Tony, however, didn't like the idea. "Too dark," he mumbled, reaching up and pulling the wash cloth off of his eyes. "Can't see," his breath quickened.

"It's alright Tony," Cheryl said, gently taking the cloth from him and mopping his forehead with it. "The doctor was just trying to help."

"Let's go," the doctor said softly, nodding his head. Gibbs pushed the curtain back on the cubicle and together they headed for the radiology department, followed closely by Ducky and Cheryl.

xxx

It took a while to get Tony in for his x-rays, so the doctor left them for a bit to check on his other patients, with promises to be back soon for Tony's x-ray. Tony wrapped his arms across his stomach and rolled as much to one side as he could without hurting his shoulder, and closed his eyes. He looked so pitiful that Gibbs, not thinking, leaned over and pressed the softest of kisses to Tony's temple. "Gonna be alright Sweetheart," he murmured in the younger man's ear.

Tony nodded, but didn't speak. He hurt all over, and still felt quite ill. Cheryl excused herself after a few minutes and walked down the hall to the snack machine. She inserted her money and came back to the group a few minutes later with two packs of salted peanuts. "Here Tony," she said softly. "Have some of these. They oughta help you feel better. You aren't allergic to nuts are you?"

"No," Tony whispered, blinking his eyes open. "You want me to eat peanuts?"

"I do," Cheryl said. "The salt and protein in the nuts will help push your blood pressure back up. They'll make you feel better."

"Can't hurt," Tony said softly, accepting a few nuts being poured into his hand.

It wasn't long before the radiology tech came out and got Tony. Gibbs asked if he could go in with him, and once the tech saw the look on Tony's face, he agreed with Gibbs and allowed the older man to come in.

"Right shoulder?" The tech asked, making sure he had the right patient. Gibbs nodded.

The tech got to work taking x-rays, and in just a few minutes was finished. "These look good," he told Gibbs. "I'll let the doctor take a look at them, but I don't see any broken bones."

Gibbs thanked them and followed Tony's gurney back into the hallway. Ducky stood up from the bench where he was seated and approached Tony.

"My dear boy," he said softly. "Are you alright?"

"'m ok Duck," Tony said quietly. "Why 'm I in the hospital?" He looked imploringly up at the older man.

"Well how much do you remember?"

"Mmmm…" Tony thought back. "I…'member goin' to the basement…callin' Gibbs…r'member him coming and getting me."

"That's very good," Ducky praised. "What else do you remember?"

"I…we went upstairs…McGee and Kate were there…after that…" he shuddered, "it's all fuzzy…I'm not sure…how did I get here?"

"You rode to the hospital with Caitlyn and Jethro," Ducky told him. "You started demonstrating signs of shock and they thought it wise to have you examined."

"Mmmk," Tony said softly, his eyes drifting shut again.

The doctor reappeared at that moment. "We're ready to move him upstairs," he said softly, taking the brakes off of the gurney. "Mr. DiNozzo how are you feeling?"

"Been better," Tony whispered. He snuggled under the blanket a little farther. He was so damn cold.

"Alright we'll get you upstairs where you can get in bed and rest. Just relax and we'll be there before you know it."

"Kay," Tony whispered.

xxx

Gibbs was sitting beside Tony's bed, feet propped up near the foot of the bed, flipping through a People magazine. He didn't know why people would buy such trash and read it…but it passed the time. As he sat there in the semi-dark room with Tony sleeping peacefully beside him, he sat the magazine to the side and picked up the pamphlet that the nurse had brought by for Gibbs to read describing the symptoms of shock.

_In many patients, the most common symptoms of shock include low blood pressure; feeling weak or nauseous; chest pain; fast and weak pulse; profuse sweating; dizziness, faintness or light-headedness; moist, clammy skin; unconsciousness; rapid, shallow breathing; feelings of anxiety, agitation or confusion; blue lips and fingernails._

It wasn't long before a familiar face poked her head into Tony's hospital room. "Hello," she said quietly. Tony was asleep and missed it, but Gibbs' head shot up at the sound of Dr. Jacobsen's voice. She was the doctor who had taken such wonderful care of Tony after he'd been assaulted.

"Hi Doc," Gibbs said.

"I saw Tony's name on the patient list and thought I'd pop over," Dr. Jacobsen said.

Gibbs smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. "I appreciate you coming by," he said softly, turning his gaze to the sleeping man on the bed. Tony's shoulder was sprained and they'd given him a sling to wear and an ice pack to hold on it. Gibbs was watching the clock, removing the ice for twenty minute intervals then replacing it when it was time. Tony was sound asleep through it all.

"How's his recovery going?" The doctor asked Gibbs quietly, her voice kind and gentle, much like the smile on her face.

"Slowly," Gibbs answered. "We found a really wonderful counselor though. She's taking good care of him…of both of us," he felt his cheeks pink at the admission.

"That's good news," Dr. Jacobsen said softly. "What brings you two in today?" She glanced at Tony. "Looks like Tony took a spill?"

"No he…he uh, had a flashback this morning…had some trouble getting out of it," Gibbs told her. "He got shocky so we brought him in. He jerked hard when I touched him though, and hit the wall with his shoulder. Sprained it pretty good, but the ER doc didn't seem to think he'd need surgery on it."

"Well that's a relief," the doctor said. "Who is your doctor on the floor?"

"I have no idea," Gibbs said softly with a shrug. "We haven't seen anybody else since the ER doc dropped us off here a couple of hours ago." Cheryl had to run back to her office for a bit, and Ducky needed to check on everything at NCIS, but both of them assured Gibbs they would be back before dinner time.

"I could add you to my rotation," Dr. Jacobsen suggested. "I'm working on this floor today anyway, it wouldn't be any trouble."

Gibbs nodded. "I would appreciate that. That way Tony would at least be dealing with someone who's familiar to him."

"I'll go make a note of it at the nurse's station and get hold of his chart and see what I can find out. In the mean time, do either of you need anything?"

"No I think we're ok. Maybe though…could you get Tony some chocolate milk? He's been drinking it pretty regularly for a while now, and it seems to settle his stomach. I don't think he's had too much to eat or drink today."

"Sure," the kind doctor said. "I'll be back soon. Have you called Tony's counselor to let them know what happened?"

Gibbs nodded. "She was here earlier and had to step out for a bit. She said she would be back before dinner time."

"Excellent. Would you do me a favor, and get together a list of the medications that Tony is taking? That way I will know what kind of drug interactions to be on the lookout for."

"Sure that's simple," Gibbs said. "He isn't taking any medications."

Dr. Jacobsen blinked. "What do you mean he isn't taking any medications?"

"I mean," Gibbs said, putting his feet on the floor and his elbows on his knees, "that he isn't taking any medications. After what happened to him he is refusing all medicines, and understandably so."

Dr. Jacobsen narrowed her eyes a bit and nodded. "I'm not sure that's the best course of action," she said, "but I'll talk to Tony's counselor about it when she gets here. Is she a psychiatrist?"

"No, a clinical psychologist with an alphabet behind her name," Gibbs said with a smile. "So far, she hasn't needed to prescribe Tony any medications, and he's done really well."

"Uh huh," the doctor said, skeptical. "That's why he's here?" there was some judgment in her tone, but Gibbs thought probably it was towards Cheryl and not the two of them.

"He's here because he's still recovering. You know it's a long process. You're the one who told _me _it's a long process," Gibbs said, his voice lowering dangerously. "Cheryl has helped Tony to regain so much stability and so much of his normal life. He's not 100% but he's making progress. And it's because of her, because God knows I wouldn't have known how to help him."

Dr. Jacobsen was quiet for a moment. "I think he would do better if he were on some medications—perhaps some anti-anxiety or anti-depressant medications would be helpf—"

"You are the one who told us that he needed to find someone to talk to. He told you the day he was raped that he didn't want drugs. Remember that? Remember how he wouldn't take anything? Nothing for pain, nothing for nausea…he would rather suffer than accept medications because he doesn't know where they come from and some part of his brain doesn't trust them to be safe."

"Then his counselor should be working with him on that."

"Oh she is, believe me. But as you said—it's a process. It takes time."

Dr. Jacobsen let out a long sigh. "I'd like to speak with Tony's counselor when she arrives."

"She's here," came a voice from the doorway. "My name is Dr. Cheryl Hodges," Cheryl said, extending her hand, eyes darting from the doctor to Gibbs. "Is there a problem?"

"I think we need to get on the same page as far as Tony's treatment is concerned," Dr. Jacobsen said. "I am his doctor on this floor."

Cheryl raised an eyebrow. "Very well then. Where would you like to talk?"

"Let's go to the cafeteria and have a cup of coffee."

"Oh no ma'am," Cheryl said. "We are going somewhere much more private than the public cafeteria to discuss my patient's case."

Dr. Jacobsen back pedaled. "Of course we wouldn't discuss his case in such a public setting. I didn't mean—"

"Well I'm certainly not interested in having a social visit with you," Cheryl retorted. "I have much more important things to do—such as caring for my patient."

"Of course," Dr. Jacobsen said.

"Perhaps there is a conference room on this floor where we could go have a discussion about Tony's care—to make sure we are on the same page of course," Cheryl suggested.

Dr. Jacobsen nodded. "Right this way," she said.

"Let me check my patient first," Cheryl said, making no secret of the fact that her first and only priority here was Tony. "What room is the conference room?"

"It's um…room 323," Dr. Jacobsen said.

"I'll meet you there."

"Perhaps I should stay—"

"Perhaps I will meet you there," Cheryl said evenly, her tone leaving no room for argument.

Dr. Jacobsen narrowed her eyes for a moment, territorial over her patient—_her patient_—but also realizing that Cheryl was spending more time with Tony and understood his case better, and relented. This was exactly what she'd suggested for Tony to do…and for Gibbs to do as well. It should be no surprise that the person they selected would be very protective of the two men.

"You do understand I am not a threat here," Dr. Jacobsen said.

"I understand that I am going to meet you in the conference room and we will discuss my patient's case there." Cheryl turned her back on Dr. Jacobsen, signaling to the other woman that the conversation was over.

"I'll meet you there," the doctor mumbled softly, knowing she was beaten. She turned and left the room.

Gibbs burst out laughing. "My God you are brilliant!"

Cheryl smiled and shook her head, obviously amused by Gibbs' amusement. "I try," she said modestly.

Tony stirred on the bed and his eyes fluttered open. He looked around for a moment, his brain taking a moment to catch up with where he was and what was happening, before he focused on Gibbs and Cheryl.

"Hey babe," Gibbs said softly, turning his attention to Tony.

Tony looked at Gibbs. He was…smiling? Chuckling? What the hell? "You ok?" he croaked.

Gibbs blinked. "I'm fine, are you ok?"

"Must be dreaming," Tony mumbled, his eyes dropping shut.

"Why is that Tony?" Cheryl asked, a bit concerned about his mental state.

"Gibbs is laughing," Tony mumbled sleepily. "Never laughs like that. I'm cracking up aren't I?"

Cheryl smiled. "No dear, not cracking up. How are you feeling?"

"Tired mostly…still cold," Tony shivered slightly.

Gibbs stood up and began fussing over the blanket, pulling it up a bit.

"We need to talk," Cheryl said. "I am about to go have a meeting with your floor doctor. She is going to ask me questions about you taking medication. I know you've told me before that you don't want any medications. The doctor is going to recommend it though. Do you still want to avoid taking medications?"

Tony nodded. "No drugs," he whispered. His eyes widened and his breath quickened when he recalled, for a brief moment, the burn of the liquor pouring down his throat. "No drugs."

Cheryl nodded and patted Tony's hand. "Alright take some deep breaths and calm down. No one is going to make you take any medicines."

"You promise," Tony whispered.

"I promise. I'll be back soon, alright?"

Tony nodded and he and Gibbs watched as Cheryl left the room, fully prepared for the battle she was about to face.

xxx

Cheryl knocked lightly on the door to room 323 and pushed it open. Inside was a small table with comfortable looking chairs, tasteful pictures on the wall and a welcoming rug in the floor covering the stark tile floor. Dr. Jacobsen was sitting at the table, legal pad in front of her, obviously ready to work. Cheryl closed the door behind her and stepped up to the table.

"I don't think I introduced myself," Dr. Jacobsen said. "Margaret Jacobsen." She extended her hand.

Cheryl shook her hand. "Cheryl Hodges. Now that we have all the niceties out of the way let's get down to business, shall we? Because I am tremendously busy and I'm sure you are as well."

Dr. Jacobsen nodded. "I read in Tony's chart that he's been admitted because he was showing signs of shock after a flashback."

"That's right," Cheryl said. "Agent Gibbs is working a case and one of their suspects made a blatant threat against Tony today. It triggered a pretty severe flashback. It took him a while to come out of it, and he began demonstrating the symptoms of shock pretty early on. I instructed Agent Gibbs to bring Tony in to have him looked over."

"He seems to be stabilizing nicely—not too fast, not too slow."

Cheryl nodded. She would agree with this assessment. Tony seemed to be making a gradual improvement, regaining his bearings and his body was slowly coming back under his control.

"I am concerned, however," Dr. Jacobsen said.

Cheryl feigned innocence. "Oh? What about?"

"I am concerned about the fact that Tony is not taking any medications. He has not been prescribed with any sort of anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication. Given his…precarious situation, I would think medication would be necessary for his recovery."

"In most cases similar to Tony's I would also recommend that the patient see a psychiatrist in addition to counseling and have them take prescriptions. However, Tony's case is unique, and he has specifically requested to not be put on medications. He and I have an agreement that he will do what I tell him to, and in return I won't refer him to a psychiatrist for prescriptions."

"But it would make his recovery so much easier if he—"

"Nothing is going to make his recovery easier," Cheryl snapped.

"But if he could just understand that the medications are there to help—they're there to—"

"They're there to lessen the sensation of the powerful emotions that he is experiencing. You're thinking he wouldn't be having flashbacks if he was on medications, aren't you?" Cheryl's tone was accusing.

"I think that his quality of life would be better if he was medicated," Dr. Jacobsen retorted. "They are available for a reason! I cannot, in good conscience, sign off for him to return to work if he is proceeding without medications to control his—"

"To control his what," Cheryl growled. "His emotions? His outbursts? His body's natural reactions to the events that left him traumatized? Would you have him emasculate himself and deny himself his feelings in order to make you feel more comfortable? Because I will tell you there is nothing that you are telling me that is convincing me that he should be on medication. If you can't handle his emotions, his outbursts, his panic attacks and mood swings, then perhaps we should find someone else to provide medical care for him! Tony is a good person, a strong man—he is working his ass off to come back from what happened. He was drugged by his attackers. They gave him a drink that had a chemical substance in it—and it altered his mood, his sexual arousal, his consciousness, it altered everything in his world—took away his control, and denied him the ability to escape from what was being done to him. I find it perfectly reasonable that he would refuse medications."

"So how are you treating him then?" Dr. Jacobsen growled. "Do you have him sit in a circle and sing Kum-Ba-Yah and spend hours talking about his feelings? Do you really think making him relive everything that happened to him is the way to go?"

"If it helps him to make peace with what happened and understand that it was done TO him and that it was not his fault, then whatever I'm doing is appropriate. And Tony is improving—he's making huge strides in his progress. What happened today was an unforeseen event—no one could have prevented that someone would threaten to rape him again—blatantly threaten him—and so soon after his initial assault. There is more going on here than you realize, _Doctor."_

Dr. Jacobsen opened her mouth to speak, but Cheryl stood up and raised a hand, cutting her off. "One more thing," the psychologist growled, "It is not your job to sign off when he is ready to return to work. I am his primary mental health provider and it is MY job to sign off on him returning to work. You get him over the shock from the flashback, I'll get him over the flashbacks. No medications. Tony requested it. As his doctor, it is YOUR job to respect that. Anything you want to do for him gets run by me first, we clear?"

Margaret Jacobsen narrowed her eyes, anger flooding through her. "I understand perfectly," she said.

Cheryl turned and left the room, slamming the door behind her.

xxx

Gibbs had no problem picking up on the anger that radiated from Cheryl as she walked back into Tony's room. The silver haired woman stopped just inside the door and took a deep breath, trying to calm herself down. Anger wouldn't help Tony any. And Tony was a pretty perceptive guy when he wanted to be. He could pick up on stuff like that.

"Do I need to ask how that went?" Gibbs asked dryly.

Cheryl looked at Gibbs for a long moment then smiled and shook her head. "Woman's hard headed," Cheryl said. She glanced at Tony. "How's he doing?"

"Been asleep since a few minutes after you left," Gibbs said. "What'd you and Dr. Jacobsen decide?"

"We didn't decide anything. I made decisions and am expecting her to adhere to them. Tony has specifically requested to not be medicated. You and I have both heard him say it out loud on multiple occasions. Dr. Jacobsen is of the opinion that Tony needs to be heavily medicated with anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications in order to recover."

"The Powers That Be frown on us having to take medications for mental health," Gibbs said softly. "I think in Tony's case especially…if he could come back from it without drugs it would really help him to get back in the field. He's going to have to pass the psychological assessment to get back on the job anyway…the less he has to explain, the better off he'll be."

"Agreed," Cheryl said. She stepped over to Tony's bedside and rubbed his arm. "Tony? Wake up a minute for me. C'mon Tony."

Slowly Tony's eyes opened, and Cheryl was pleased to see that he appeared more focused and clear this time. "Tony I wanted to let you know what is going on," Cheryl said gently.

"Kay," Tony said softly.

"I spoke with your doctor and told her about your desire to not have medications. I don't know if she is going to go along with that, but you still have the right to refuse them, even if she offers them to you ok? You don't have to take medicines if you don't want them. It is entirely your choice."

Tony blinked heavily. "Can't I just go home?" he whispered.

"Tomorrow," Cheryl said. "They want to monitor you tonight, and I think that is wise. Tomorrow they will likely release you. But in the mean time, you stick to your guns alright? You are in charge of your body and your health. We'll work out what is best for you as far as treatments go when you're feeling a little better alright?" Tony nodded. "Let's get through the next couple of days, Tony, and we'll work out a plan alright? I have some ideas that I think will help you."

"Ok," Tony said softly.

xxx

It was a couple of hours before Dr. Jacobsen returned to Tony's room. Cheryl, not trusting Dr. Jacobsen, had positioned herself in a dark corner, out of sight by anyone entering the room. Gibbs was perched in the chair next to Tony's bed, feet on the mattress, thumbing through the magazine again. Tony had managed to doze off and was resting peacefully in the dimly lit room.

Dr. Jacobsen approached the bed. She lifted Tony's chart and made some notes on it and then moved closer to Tony's bed. The medical professionals caring for Tony had talked him into an IV earlier in the afternoon—there in case he needed to be given something in a hurry, as well as to provide him with liquids and nutrients in the meantime.

"How's he doing Doc?" Gibbs asked. He was careful not to draw attention to Cheryl who was watching from the dark corner with her arms crossed. This woman had one hell of a backbone, she'd give her that.

"He seems to be resting peacefully for the moment," Dr. Jacobsen said softly.

Gibbs nodded.

"I'd like to give him something…it will help him rest easier," the doctor said.

"I don't think he wants anything," Gibbs said.

"It is imperative that he gets the rest he needs so he can recover," Dr. Jacobsen said. She pulled a loaded syringe out of her pocket.

"This is a combination sleep aid and anti-anxiety medication. The initial dose may cause him to be disoriented and drowsy, but it shouldn't take him long to adjust to it."

"He doesn't want any drugs, Doc," Gibbs said, firmer this time.

"Agent Gibbs I understand that you are trying to do what is best for Tony, but you have to understand—he's not stable. He's not in any mental state to make medical decisions for himself. He's experiencing delusions—believing that any medication is some form of harmful drug is not normal. It is in his best interest to receive this medication."

"Dr. Hodges told us that he shouldn't take anything. That he was fine without it," Gibbs said.

"Agent Gibbs you have to understand something. Dr. Hodges is not a medical doctor. She knows absolutely nothing about drugs and medications. I am a medical doctor. I know what I am talking about."

"Actually," Cheryl said, stepping out of the shadows. "My education included the same training that a psychiatrist would receive. I have opted, in my practice, to avoid the use of medications, but that does not mean that I do not understand how they work. I was very intentional in explaining to you that Agent DiNozzo has requested to not be given any medications. Dr. Jacobsen I am concerned because, while I'm sure that you are acting in what you believe is Tony's best interests, you are blatantly ignoring what he has specifically requested. I'm concerned because it seems to me that your actions are bordering on the question of ethics. And you've shown me that you're a conscientious doctor—a skilled medical professional. I'm afraid I don't understand why you are fighting this so hard?"

Dr. Jacobsen put the syringe back in her pocket, suitably chastised. "In my experience," she said, her voice controlled and quiet, "it is impossible for a patient such as Tony to make a full recovery without the use of medications. He has to have the medications in order to return to his full life."

"I disagree," Cheryl said. "The medications are good for decreasing symptoms. They don't fix the problem. A depressed person who takes an anti-depressant is still a depressed person. The medications change the chemical make-up in the brain, creating an addiction instead of fixing the problem. They flood the body with chemicals that mask the symptoms and do not generally fix the problem. In a situation such as Tony's this can be extremely detrimental. Say we medicate him and send him back to work. And in two months, in his line of work, he encounters a rapist. What happens to him then?"

Dr. Jacobsen was quiet for a long moment. Long enough that Cheryl answered for her. "Do we just raise his medication dosages and give him a pat on the head, telling him it'll all be alright?"

"No," Dr. Jacobsen said.

"No," Cheryl agreed. "Then—months down the line—then he will be forced to confront the things that he is already confronting. Giving him medications to 'help him cope' wouldn't really help him cope at all—aside from the fact that he has absolutely refused to take medications on more than one occasion. What I am doing, is giving him coping skills. I am teaching him how to encounter these situations and keep his head. We aren't masking any symptoms—we're facing them head on and working out how to manage them—how to work around them—how to get past them. Do you see the difference, Doctor?"

Gibbs looked at Dr. Jacobsen, waiting for her to answer. Tony was still sleeping—though Gibbs wasn't sure how he was managing that amidst all of the commotion surrounding him.

"I see it now," Dr. Jacobsen said. "I was wrong…everything I know…everything I've read…it says to always push the medications because that is what is best for the patient. But…what you've said makes sense. Makes total sense. Tony is going to need his coping skills if he's going to go back to work."

"Yes he is," Cheryl agreed. "I apologize if I was harsh with you, Dr. Jacobsen, but it is critically important that you understand this."

The doctor nodded and smoothed a hand over her hair. Her eyes had been opened to an entirely new way of doing medicine. "I want to help him," she said, looking at Cheryl. "I want to help you help him."

Cheryl nodded and smiled. "I think that would be most beneficial for Tony," she said.

Dr. Jacobsen nodded. "What can I do to help?"

TBC…

**Author's Note:** The information on the pamphlet that Gibbs was referencing in the hospital room about Symptoms of Shock comes from the Native Remedies website, www dot nativeremedies dot com forward-slash ailment forward-slash symptoms-of-shock-info dot html.


	31. Plans

_Thanks to my wonderful friend for your help with this chapter. You are amazing!_

**No Chains Holding Me  
><strong>**Chapter 31: Plans**

Dr. Jacobsen made her other rounds for the evening and then returned to Tony's room. Cheryl and Gibbs were still there, keeping watch over Tony, who had rolled to his side and was sleeping comfortably, one hand holding onto Gibbs'. She was eager to hear what the psychologist had to tell her. After their confrontation earlier, Cheryl offered to share the suggestions she planned to make for Tony's case and the reasons why.

They were in the corner of the room having a quiet conversation when Gibbs suddenly rose from his chair and leaned over Tony's face. Tony was becoming increasingly restless—it was obvious he was having a nightmare. "Tony," he called gently. "Wake up Tony. You're safe. Come on Tony."

The two women stopped talking, Cheryl tensed and ready to jump into action at a moment's notice. Dr. Jacobsen rubbed her fingers together nervously, waiting to see what was going on with Tony. The young man suddenly let out a long, mournful groan that sounded like a mixture between pain and pleasure, but the expression on his face was pure misery.

Gibbs shook his shoulder. "Wake up Tony. TONY! Wake up!" Gibbs ducked when Tony suddenly swung out with one of his arms. Gently restraining the swinging arm, Gibbs carefully slid an arm under Tony's shoulders and pulled him into a sitting position. He tapped his face lightly. "Tony. You need to wake up. C'mon back now. It's a nightmare. Wake up. Open your eyes." When there was still no response other than more of the horrible groaning, Gibbs looked to Cheryl. "Got any ideas?" he asked softly.

"Put a piece of ice in his hand," Cheryl said. "It's a bit unpleasant, but should snap him out of it. She stood up and motioned with her head for Dr. Jacobsen to follow.

Gibbs dipped his fingers into the pitcher on the rollaway table and pulled out a piece of the ice. He gently pried Tony's hand open from the fist it was clenched into, and pressed the cold ice into it. Tony let out a pained gasp and tried to pull away. His eyes shot open and a shriek escaped his lips before he could stop it.

"Easy Tony," Gibbs said, a hand on each shoulder, steadying him carefully and staying right in his line of sight. "I've got you. You're safe. It's alright now. Was just a dream."

Tony stared at him for a long moment before making a strange sound in his throat and closing his eyes. "He's gonna throw up," Gibbs said. A moment later a little pan appeared right under Tony's chin, just as he began to heave and throw up.

Dr. Jacobsen let out a sigh, but felt her confidence grow. These were symptoms she could handle. Vomiting she could deal with. Wetting a wash cloth in the sink, she moved to the side of the bed and once Tony calmed, began mopping his face with it. Tony shivered.

"Ohhhkay," the doctor said softly. "You're alright, just got upset. It's ok now." Tony didn't respond, and his eyes quickly fixed on his lap. Dr. Jacobsen tried again. "Tony? Can you hear me?"

When Tony didn't respond, Dr. Jacobsen looked to Cheryl for her reaction and opinion. "Let me try again," Gibbs said softly.

The two ladies nodded their heads in agreement, wondering what Gibbs had in mind. He leaned in close to Tony, knowing it was risky to get that close when he was so unsteady, but whispered in his ear. "I love you Tony. It's Gibbs. C'mon and snap out of it. You're scaring everybody." Tony's gaze flickered a bit, but he still didn't respond to Gibbs' words.

Cheryl narrowed her eyes, wondering what was going on—if the shock was getting worse, or the mental state going along with his psychological shock—when Gibbs suddenly straightened up and whacked Tony right over the back of the head. He didn't hit him hard, was a light tap, and Cheryl's eyes bulged in surprise when Tony blinked and looked up at Gibbs.

"Gibbs," he whispered, his voice cracking from the abuse his throat had taken. Between the screaming and the vomiting, Tony's voice was quite hoarse. "Jethro…" he looked around. "What happened?"

"What do you remember?" Gibbs had been instructed by Cheryl to ask this of Tony whenever a situation like this occurred with a nightmare.

"I was…it…there was…" Tony put his face in his hands and took a deep breath. Cheryl nodded at Gibbs who stepped back and she moved into his spot.

"Tony," Cheryl said gently. "Tell me what you see when you're closing your eyes."

"I see him," Tony whispered. "I see all of them. They're all…and I can't…and they just," he gasped suddenly and Cheryl put her hands gently on his wrists to pull his hands from his face. She motioned Jethro closer with her head and put one of Tony's hands on Jethro's chest.

"Tony I want you to match your breathing to Jethro's," Cheryl instructed gently. "Feel his heart beat…steady and strong…nice and relaxed…and try to get your body to imitate the calm that Gibbs is feeling." Cheryl waited for a few breaths before continuing. Tony's hand was resting lightly on Gibbs' chest and though his eyes were still on his lap, Cheryl knew he was listening. "Once you can really feel that steady heartbeat that Gibbs has, I want you to start tapping your fingers lightly in rhythm with his heart. Can you do that Tony?"

A moment later Gibbs felt the lightest flicker of movement from Tony's fingers on his chest. The touch was mildly electric and seemed supercharged and sped right to his groin. Gibbs sucked in a deep breath, not out of rhythm though, and closed his eyes, trying to remain calm so that Tony could pick up on his rhythm. He willed his heart beat to remain the same, all the while he could tell that his pants were becoming tighter and tighter.

He was tremendously glad for the bed between Gibbs and the two women, and the semi-darkness in the room that easily helped to hide his growing erection. He had to figure a way to calm down.

"Let the steady thump of Gibbs' heartbeat travel through your hand and begin moving up your arm."

Tony's fingers continued tapping lightly, breathing softly now through slightly pursed lips. His eyes seemed closed, and his face was still pointed towards his lap.

"Continue breathing in rhythm with Gibbs. You're doing so well Tony," Cheryl said after a few moments.

Gibbs was trying to get lost in the sensation of Tony finding his way back to them. There was something so intensely erotic about Tony using Gibbs' body electricity to reset his own, that he nearly groaned out loud. But something in the back of his mind was keeping the pleasure from taking over his brain. Tony didn't seem to be snapping out of it. He was just about to mention this to Cheryl when Tony suddenly spoke softly.

"This…'minds me…ova movie," he mumbled.

Gibbs let out a long breath of relief. Thank God.

"What movie does it remind you of Tony?" Cheryl coaxed gently.

"…'minds me…Dirty Dancin'," Tony said softly.

As if that was going to help Gibbs to _not _be turned on. Good grief.

Tony leaned into Gibbs slightly, his hand ghosting over Gibbs' chest, fingers still tapping a steady rhythm. "…'s like a heartbeat," Tony whispered, quoting the movie. "Gon, gon," he tapped Gibbs' chest. "Gon, gon…an' you just...feel it…"

Cheryl glanced at Gibbs to see how he was doing and raised an eyebrow. "That's very good Tony," Cheryl said quietly.

Tony suddenly yawned. Then he lifted his head. "I feel better now," he said softly. He looked at Gibbs. "Sorry I freaked out like that. Again."

"No need to apologize," Gibbs said gently, pressing a light kiss to Tony's forehead.

Tony leaned forward and rested his head where his hand had been moments before. "Can I go back to sleep," he asked quietly, still exhausted.

Cheryl glanced at Dr. Jacobsen who'd watched the entire exchange without speaking. She smiled and then turned back to Tony. "Yes honey. Go on back to sleep. We're still right here with you."

Gibbs sat down on the bed with his back against the headboard so Tony could lean on him. "I love you," he whispered in Tony's ear.

Tony was already asleep again, but snuggled closer and let out a quiet, contented sigh.

xxx

The next morning, Director Morrow entered his office and placed his large cup of coffee—not quite as black or strong as Gibbs liked it, but still respectable—on his desk. He hit the button on his voicemail and frowned as he listened to the message that Gibbs had left him the night before.

_Director it's Gibbs. Calling to let you know that DiNozzo was admitted to the hospital this afternoon after a flashback. Ari Haswari has made a blatant threat against his safety. I will be in the office tomorrow morning to discuss the case with you and possible options that are available to keep DiNozzo out of harm's way. I will bring along the note that was left at my house where he communicated the threat._

Morrow frowned and rubbed his forehead. It was going to be a long day.

"Good morning Director," a voice from the corner of the room said.

Morrow turned and stared at the SecNav sitting on the couch. "Good morning Sir," he said. "I didn't see you sitting there."

"I came to see how Agent Gibbs is faring now that he is back to work," SecNav said. What he really meant was he wanted to make sure Gibbs was holding up his end of the agreement for him to come back to work.

"He was here yesterday, just as he was supposed to be," Morrow reported. "Today is his day off, as per the agreement. He made several contacts yesterday with people who may have information leading to Haswari's whereabouts, though Ari did show up at Agent Gibbs' home yesterday to communicate a threat to Agent DiNozzo."

"Why didn't Agent DiNozzo apprehend him?"

"Because he is out on medical leave, unarmed, and had no backup, Sir," Morrow said. Really, the director was quite capable of doing his job—he didn't need flack from the SecNav about why someone was or was not apprehended.

Davenport rolled his eyes. "So first he's out of work for weeks on end, keeps another one of my agents—one of my best agents—out on leave for weeks on end as well, and then he draws a suspect to his location where he doesn't—"

"With all due respect, Mr. Secretary," Morrow said. "You are out of line."

Davenport's mouth dropped open.

Morrow pressed on. He'd probably be fired for this, but it'd be worth it. This needed saying. "MY agents were placed in an unsafe position—one without backup for hours on end while the other searched for him. MY agent was sexually assaulted by the suspects in the case the team was working on. MY agents have been out of work for a month because I gave them the ok to stay out for as long as they needed to. Agents Gibbs and DiNozzo are not the type of agents who skip work just for the sake of having a day off. They're under tremendous amounts of stress here, and you, Sir, are not making it easier for any of us to get through this. I have other agents who are just as capable of conducting this investigation as Agent Gibbs. And he and DiNozzo both have the time on the books. You've really been quite unreasonable about this situation. And this morning to have you come here and check up on Gibbs to make sure he's where he agreed to be, leads me to believe you don't trust him as much as you let on."

Davenport narrowed his eyes and stood up, straightening to his full height. "Are you questioning my authority, Director Morrow?"

Morrow squared his shoulders. "No sir. I never questioned that. I merely am stepping up in defense of my agents who are doing the best they can with a situation that is out of their control, highly stressful, has the potential to be long lasting, and was the result of them doing their jobs. They require support right now, instead of judgment. These two agents would gladly lay down their lives for their country. I have never doubted that about either of them. And I think they deserve to have the support of this agency, the Director, and the SecNav during this time. The last thing they need is more on their plates than they have."

Davenport's phone rang. He glanced at it and then looked at Director Morrow. "I will be keeping my eye on this," he snapped, before walking out the door answering his phone.

Morrow took a sip of coffee and raised it in salute to his boss' back once the door closed behind him. "Up yours, _Sir,"_ he muttered moodily to himself. He sipped his coffee and picked up the phone. He had a phone call to make.

xxx

Cheryl had made one attempt at sending Gibbs home at about 11pm. Gibbs had politely refused, citing that Tony slept better when he was there, he was calmer, and an international terrorist and suspected double agent had made a blatant threat to his agent's safety. Tony was under protection detail now, and would remain so until Ari Haswari was in custody. That meant that someone from NCIS would stay with him 24 hours a day.

The counselor relented, agreeing that Tony's safety was the most important thing in this equation. She bid them goodnight around midnight, told Gibbs if he needed her to call her, no matter what time of day, and promised to bring him a cup of coffee in the morning. As she left, Cheryl stopped by the nurses' desk and told them to call her if Tony had any problem during the night.

The next morning, Cheryl entered the room at about 6:30. Gibbs was on the bed with Tony, his back leaned against the headboard with his eyes closed, and Tony sprawled over his chest. Gibbs opened his eyes the instant the door opened and his hand instinctively reached for his side arm.

"Easy Gibbs," Cheryl said. "It's just me."

Gibbs relaxed and ran a hand over his eyes. "Time is it?" he asked.

"About six thirty," Cheryl said softly, passing him the cup of coffee. "How was last night?"

"Long," Gibbs muttered. "Tony hasn't gotten a lot of sleep," he took a sip of the dark brew and sighed in pleasure. "He was up and down all night because of the nightmares, and then every two hours the nurse came in and woke him up to make sure he was alright and check his vitals."

Gibbs looked at Tony, who still didn't look relaxed, even in sleep. "I'm worried about him," he said softly. "I called Director Morrow last night to let him know what was going on. I told him I'd come by today and show him the letter Ari left for me, and let him know more about what was going on…but I'm not sure I can leave him like this…he's so…" his voice trailed off, unable to think of a word to describe this situation. "I just want to keep him safe," he whispered, almost to himself.

"You and he are both doing just fine," Cheryl said. "Yesterday was a setback. It was unexpected—there was no way to plan for something like that to happen in the safety of your own home. You can't reset all of the progress because of yesterday. Tony will bounce back from that. I'm certain of it."

Tony stirred, groaning softly and shifting his position slightly. He realized he was lying propped against someone and tensed a bit until he recognized who he was laying on. Gibbs smelled of coffee, wood and Old Spice and Tony buried his nose into Gibbs' chest and sniffed deeply.

Gibbs smiled. "Morning Tony," he said, amused.

"Mmmm hey," Tony mumbled.

Gibbs helped him to sit up slowly. "How you feelin?"

Tony yawned and rubbed his eyes like a sleepy toddler. "Better I think," he said softly. "Tired."

Gibbs slid off the bed and fluffed Tony's pillow before patting it invitingly. "Get some sleep then," he said softly. "There's no reason to stay awake. Besides, it's still early."

Tony laid back down and closed his eyes. Moments later he was asleep again.

"He's so tired," Gibbs murmured. He turned to Cheryl. "I want this bastard dead," he growled.

Cheryl kept her expression neutral and when she spoke kept her tone even. "Gibbs, I know this is upsetting for you, but don't let the situation cloud your judgment. It won't help you in the long run."

Gibbs narrowed his eyes and stared at Cheryl. Finally he took a step closer, his face twisted into such a dark glare that it was all Cheryl could do to push down her fear and keep her expression neutral.

"I don't think you understand," Gibbs said softly, his voice dangerous. "This man has hurt my friends, abducted my agent, threatened to _rape. my. partner._ I want him dead. And if he does not toe the line, then I will not hesitate to pull the trigger on my gun. I won't overstep my bounds, and I will not make an unrighteous kill. But believe me when I say there is nothing in this world that would bring me more pleasure than making that sonofabitch hurt. The only thing that would make me happier would be to have a shot at the two bastards who started all of this."

"Don't mind Jethro, Cheryl," Tony mumbled from the bed. Gibbs turned around and Cheryl looked over Gibbs' shoulder to where Tony was lying just as he had been, eyes still closed. "Jethro thinks…he's Captain Ahab…and Ari is his very own Moby Dick."

"Really? You're bringing that up again?" Gibbs grumped.

Tony cracked one eye open and smiled. "You started it," he said softly.

The two chuckled softly at their joke which Cheryl quickly understood to be something that only the two of them would understand. She smiled once again at their relationship.

It was quiet for a few moments before Tony dozed off again. Cheryl tiptoed to the nurses' station to get refills on the coffee and snuck quietly back into the room. She'd just taken a seat in one of the chairs when Gibbs' cell phone rang. He pulled it off his belt and squinted at it.

"It's the Director," he said softly. "I'm going to step out in the hall to take this. Will you stay with him?"

"Of course," Cheryl said.

Gibbs nodded and hurried into the hall. "Director," he greeted.

"_Good morning Gibbs,"_ Tom said. _"I was calling to see how Agent DiNozzo is this morning. I got your voicemail."_

"According to his counselor he's doing about as well as can be expected given the circumstances."

"_That is good to hear,"_ Morrow said.

"Has there been any word on Haswari's location?"

"_Nope, there's been no sign of him ever since he left your property through your back gate."_

"So you have confirmation that it was him that delivered the note?"

"_Yes, Abby gave me the fingerprints results late last night. They were a match to Ari's fingerprints."_

"Damn sonofabitch," Gibbs muttered.

"_Gibbs I've been thinking about your situation. I'm going to take you off of the Haswari investigation."_

"But—"

"_I want you working cold cases when you are on duty, and I want you protecting DiNozzo the rest of the time."_

"Who will protect Tony while I'm on duty? And I thought SecNav's orders were for me to consult on the Haswari case. That's why I came back to work."

"_You let me worry about the SecNav. As for DiNozzo…do you think he'd be up for spending some time in the building? Not working, just…being here."_

"I don't know," Gibbs said softly. "He's not…he's not in a good place right now."

"_Tell ya what. New Years was on what, Tuesday? You worked Wednesday—yesterday, that's when this whole mess blew up. Today's Thursday. Take the weekend. See if you can get Tony calmed back down. I'm going to post an agent on your property and an agent at each end of your street. I'll call you on Sunday and we'll figure out what the plan should be. I want you to be able to focus if you come to work, and I want for Agent DiNozzo to feel safe while you work as well. We'll reevaluate and see what needs to happen in order to make that work for us though. For now, I want you to focus on your boy, get him out of the hospital if you can, and let's get that even playing field back for him."_

"Thank you sir," Gibbs said. "Though I feel bad, you taking me off the case and all."

"_It's just like I told the SecNav, Gibbs,"_ Morrow said. _"I have multiple agents who are capable of running this investigation. We'll let someone else handle it for now. Later if I need you I'll move you back onto it."_

"Alright," Gibbs agreed. "Do you still need me to come in?"

"_Nope we have everything under control here."_

"I need to get the letter from Ari to you," Gibbs muttered softly.

"_Gibbs…Agents McGee and Todd brought me the letter from your house yesterday. They already worked the scene, remember?"_

"Oh," Gibbs could have kicked himself for forgetting, "I forgot," he said weakly.

"_It's alright, you've had a lot on your plate. I'm going to go get some work done; you go take care of DiNozzo. I will have the three agents for his protection meet you at the hospital shortly, and from there you can head up the detail, giving everyone directions before DiNozzo is released from the hospital. I'll speak to you again on Sunday. If something else happens, feel free to call me. You have the number to my direct line."_

"Yes Sir," Gibbs said softly.

"_Good man. Call if you need me."_

"Thank you Sir," Gibbs said.

xxx

Later that afternoon, Tony was released from the hospital with orders to get medical attention immediately if the signs of shock came back again. Gibbs drove slowly back to the house with Tony stretched out and dozing in the back seat. Their protection detail was following in the car behind them. Gibbs had asked Cheryl if she minded making a house call before turning them loose to be on their own. She was following in her car behind the other agents.

When Gibbs pulled into the driveway, Tony pushed himself up in the seat. He looked around and sucked in a deep breath. Gibbs glanced in the mirror at him. "You ok?" he asked softly.

Tony stared at the house. How could he go in there? Ari had been so close…he'd been watching Tony…for how long? How had Tony not known? What would happen next time Ari showed up?

"I…uh…is it safe?" he asked softly.

Gibbs turned the car off. "Is what safe?"

"Is it safe to go inside?" Tony stared at his lap, ashamed of his weakness.

Gibbs turned around and looked at him. "The agents are making sure it's safe," he said softly. "But the doors are all locked. I don't see any way anybody could have gotten inside."

Tony nodded and didn't say anything. Gibbs watched as the agents slowly cleared the perimeter of the house before unlocking one door and moving inside. Lights went on throughout the house until every light was on. Gibbs knew this was for his and Tony's benefit—so they could see the progress the agents were making through the house, as well as providing enough light to clear the rooms effectively.

Finally the two agents came back outside. One agent—Tony didn't recognize him—stopped just outside Gibbs' front door, the other moved to Tony's car door. Tony looked up and recognized Agent Warner. Gibbs got out of the car then, and Warner opened the door. Gibbs leaned down so Tony could see him. "C'mon out Tony," he said softly. "It's safe to go inside."

Tony slid out of the car slowly and moved towards the front door, flanked by Gibbs and Warner. Cheryl followed close behind them. She was amazed at the precision that the protection detail had. Every move was calculated, every motion was expected by everyone on the detail. Everyone knew exactly where they were to be, what they were to do, and it worked like a well-oiled machine.

Once they were inside the house, the other agent, Agent Oliver, set about closing the shades and curtains in the house. It made it very dark and gloomy inside, but it prevented anyone outside from looking in. The agents assured everyone that the house was safe, and then moved to their detail posts—one at each end of the street, with Gibbs inside the house with Tony. Oliver and Warner were under orders to remain within 500 yards of Gibbs' home—very close in case they were needed.

Gibbs shut the door behind the agents and turned to look at Tony and Cheryl. Cheryl was placing her purse on the floor next to the recliner, and Tony was standing right in the middle of the room—exactly where Gibbs had left him. "Ok Tony?"

Tony nodded shakily, his eyes darting around the room and settling on doorways, hallways and windows. He ran a hand up the outside of his arm and bit his lower lip.

Cheryl glanced at him and cocked her head to one side. She moved to Tony's side and tried to follow his gaze. She glanced at Gibbs who looked concerned and unsure of what to do. "Wanna sit?" she asked Tony gently.

"Um…yeah," Tony said with another one of those shaky, jerky nods. He stayed where he was though, and didn't make any moves to sit.

"Come on Tony," Gibbs said, taking Tony's hand. He guided him over to the couch and eased Tony down on it. He sat down beside him and Cheryl sat down on Tony's other side. Tony sat down, still glancing around, his eyes lighting on every surface in the room, every doorway, every window in his sight.

"Tony what's today's date?" Cheryl asked suddenly.

Tony blinked and looked at Cheryl. "It's um…January 4th," he said softly.

"And what is your position at NCIS?"

Tony cleared his throat. "Senior Field Agent."

Cheryl nodded. "Who's the president?"

Tony looked at his lap. "George Bush. The son, not the dad. Why are you asking me so many questions?" He looked at Cheryl.

"Because I want to make sure you're not slipping into shock again. You just don't seem quite like yourself," Cheryl told him gently.

Tony nodded. "I know," he said softly. "I don't…I mean I'm not sure what…how I should be," he shrugged sadly. "Everything's all fucked up again," he whispered.

"Let's get through this afternoon and tonight," Cheryl said decisively, "and tomorrow we will start working hard towards getting you back to normal alright?"

Tony looked at her. Gibbs reached over and took hold of one of his hands, squeezing it gently. Tony returned the squeeze. "You can help me?" he asked softly. "You can fix me?"

"We're going to do our best," Cheryl said. "I'm still confident we can get you back on an even keel. But it's going to take all of us."

Tony glanced at Gibbs who nodded at the unspoken question. "You know I'll help you. I've got your six," he said with a reassuring smile.

Tony leaned over, propping his body against Gibbs. "Ok," he said. "I can do it if I have both of you helping me. I just…don't let me give up ok? Because I might want to."

"We won't let you do that," Cheryl promised. "I won't lie to you though. It's going to be tough. Lots of hard, emotional work."

Tony squeezed Jethro's hand a little tighter. "Ok," he said. "Let's do it."

xxx

Cheryl stayed until after dark that evening. She found that it gave her a new perspective on many things—on Tony's anxiety at home, on his eating and sleeping habits (he ate nothing and slept most of the afternoon), and on Tony and Gibbs' domestic relationship. After a surprisingly good dinner, Cheryl waited downstairs with Tony while Gibbs cleared the upstairs level of the house. Then he slowly escorted Tony up to bed. Once he came back downstairs, Cheryl told him to get some rest too, and bid them goodnight.

"I'll see you both tomorrow," she promised on her way out the door. Gibbs nodded and stayed in the doorway until she was inside her car with the doors locked. She gave the thumbs up that she was locked in and safe and Gibbs put a hand up, waving at her before she drove away.

As Cheryl headed home that night, she thought back over the events of the last couple of days. She'd promised that she'd be able to help Tony come back from this. She'd promised him recovery and the ability to return to work eventually. She had assured him that with enough work and enough effort the younger man would be able to return to his normal life.

She had some reading she needed to do before bed. There were some things that she needed to wrap her brain around if she was going to help Tony.

And oh boy, were they going to have their work cut out for them.

TBC…


	32. Strength To Carry On

_**Author's Note:**__ To some of you, the events in this chapter may seem as though they are happening too fast—especially in light of what happened in the last couple of chapters. I have spoken at length with a rape survivor, and have been assured that when someone recovering from an assault of this nature reaches the point that I am going to describe in the chapter—that it can happen between one breath and the next. It only takes a heartbeat's moment to make this switch. What is happening here does not mean that Tony is magically fixed, nor does it mean that he's going to be on Easy Street from here on out. This is a big step in the recovery process though, and I have done my very best to keep it as realistic as possible. Enjoy!_

_Special thanks to my wonderful friend for your help with this story. Your bravery astounds me every day and I am so proud to know you. xoxo_

**No Chains Holding Me  
><strong>**Chapter 32: Strength To Carry On**

The next couple of days passed quietly. Tony slept a lot initially, tired from his ordeal and from the ensuing shock that took some time for his body to recover from. But as the weekend drew nearer to its close, Tony was really beginning to feel quite a lot better.

Sunday morning, he awoke early, and headed for the shower. He was surprised at himself—he was awake before Gibbs was. He stepped into the shower and sighed blissfully as the water poured over his body. He felt oddly at peace this morning, which surprised him given the past few days' turmoil. He was unsure of what had changed, but this morning he felt, for the first time, as though he was still Tony—he was still the same person he'd been before everything happened. He was still the man Jethro loved. He was still the investigator that worked brilliantly undercover. He realized, as he washed himself, that he wanted his life back. He felt like, by doing as he'd been doing, that he wasn't living. He was going through the motions of what used to be a really good life. By doing that he was letting them win. And Tony was determined that, dead or not, those sons of bitches would not prevail over him.

Tony leaned his head back under the spray and smiled to himself. He wanted to go back to work. He wouldn't let Ari win. He wouldn't let his fear of Ari control him. He didn't know what was different—had no idea of what had changed in the time since he'd laid down the night before. But everything in his head was different—he felt like himself again. He felt like he had the strength to carry on past this.

He turned off the shower and towel dried his hair. Wrapping the towel around his waist, Tony headed for the bedroom. He was quiet as he pulled out a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt to wear. It was Sunday and he was glad—that meant Gibbs didn't have to go to work today. They could spend the day together. Tony glanced at his sleeping partner, still surprised that he was up before Gibbs, and decided he would start working on showing Gibbs how grateful he was for all the older man had done for him. He tiptoed out of the room and headed down the stairs.

xxx

The smell of brewing coffee woke Jethro. He woke with a deep sniff that immediately left him chuckling as he thought about all those coffee commercials on the television where people were seemingly dragged out of bed in search of the brewing coffee. A second later a thought hit him. Why was there coffee brewing? He pushed himself up on an elbow and glanced around the dim room. The shades were still drawn so that the morning light wouldn't batter the sleeping agents. Gibbs narrowed his eyes when he saw Tony was gone. He'd been very quiet the past few days, hadn't said a great deal, hadn't really wanted to be touched very much. They'd each spoken with Cheryl a couple of times since Tony was released from the hospital, and while the general consensus was that he was doing alright, it was still quite obvious to all three of them that Tony was greatly affected by Ari's actions.

Gibbs rolled out of bed, unsure of what he would find as he made his way down the stairs, and quickly dressed. He figured it would be better to be prepared for any eventuality, than it would to be literally caught in his underwear.

Once he was dressed and presentable, Gibbs headed down the stairs in search of the liquid lubricant to his mornings. He stopped in surprise when he reached the kitchen. The table was set to perfection, complete with newspaper, and Tony was standing at the stove cooking. Gibbs' eyes narrowed immediately when he looked at Tony. He looked…different. The set in his shoulders was different, the way he held his hips was different, the confident manner in which he maneuvered himself around the kitchen—it was all different, but it was all so familiar. It was all so…Tony.

Tony turned and his eyes widened and he smiled when he saw Gibbs in the doorway. "Mornin,'" he said cheerfully, turning back to the stove. An omelet was bubbling happily on the stove and Jethro watched as Tony put all of Jethro's favorite things into the pan with the eggs and cheese. Peppers, onions, mushrooms, sausage…the smell was heavenly and Gibbs hummed his approval as he made his way farther into the kitchen. Tony handed him a cup of coffee—poured and ready for him, black just the way he knew Gibbs preferred it, and he smiled at his partner. "Did you sleep well?" Tony asked.

Jethro took a sip of coffee, wondering if he had somehow stumbled into the Twilight Zone. "Slept great," he said with a nod. "Good coffee."

"I'm glad," Tony said, the smile still on his face. He effortlessly slid the omelet onto Gibbs' plate before cracking two more eggs for his own. "Go ahead and start eating, mine's coming right behind ya."

Gibbs picked up the plate from the counter and paused for a moment, watching Tony swirl eggs in the frying pan. "Tony…you ok…?"

Tony stopped swirling his eggs and looked at Gibbs. "I'm fine," he said without a blink. "Why?" As if he didn't know.

Gibbs set the plate on the table and walked to the coffee pot for a refill. He shrugged as he poured. "You just seem…different…is all," he said cautiously, hoping not to upset his lover.

Tony turned back to his eggs and threw in some cheese and sausage. "I feel different today," he said softly. "I'm not sure I understand it, but I'm going to go with it."

Gibbs took a sip of coffee and headed for the table. "Wanna talk about it?" he asked softly.

Tony slid his omelet out of the pan and it broke, landing in two pieces on his plate. "Dammit," he grumbled good-naturedly. He sat the plate on the table and walked to the fridge where he poured himself a glass of juice. Gibbs watched every move Tony made, trying to understand these new behaviors. Tony put the glass on the table and sat down across from Gibbs. He forked a bite of eggs into his mouth and thought carefully about what he wanted to say. He knew he was acting differently and he didn't want to freak Gibbs out, but at the same time he felt like he'd made a huge amount of progress…

"I had this…thought…in the shower this morning. And it was intense."

Gibbs stayed quiet and forked a bite of eggs into his mouth. He was obviously listening, but letting Tony talk at his own speed. They'd done lots of work on communicating with each other with Cheryl's help and Gibbs thought it was really making their relationship better.

"I'm not exactly sure how to explain it," Tony said softly, his eyes dropping to his lap briefly. "And I kinda think maybe I'm crazy a little bit…but it was like…my brain suddenly made sense of everything. It was like all the puzzle pieces suddenly snapped into place. I woke up this morning…I was beside you and you were sleeping and we were warm and comfortable…I felt so peaceful there. I found my purple moment," Tony recalled, remembering the first day in their joint therapy when Cheryl had asked them to select the color marker that represented what they wanted to achieve. "I woke up and I was safe and warm and happy…I realized it…Jethro you've stuck by me through all of this…and it's huge…what you've done for me? I'll never be able to pay that back."

Gibbs opened his mouth to object, but Tony stopped him. "No, please don't interrupt me. I need to say this. Need to get it all out." Gibbs nodded and Tony continued talking. "This morning I guess it finally clicked—really clicked—that you aren't ever going to leave me. But there's even more than that…I realized…" Tony took a bite of eggs and chewed for a moment. He swallowed and cleared his throat. "I realized that I have not been in control of my life. Not since the day I was attacked. Those two bastards are controlling my life. They're dead—I even killed one of them—and yet they've still got control of my life. But you know what?" Tony's eyes narrowed slightly, and Gibbs could easily see how serious Tony was about all of this. "I don't have to let them be in control, Jethro," Tony said softly. "I don't have to let them run my life. I can take it back. It's mine. It's ours. And I want it back. I want to go back to work; I want us to get our relationship back to normal. I want my life back."

Tony took another bite of eggs, and glanced at Gibbs, who seemed to have forgotten about his eggs. Gibbs was staring at him with wide eyes and a slightly dropped jaw. "The lightbulb finally clicked on for me this morning," Tony continued. "I'm on top of my game. I feel invincible. Nothing can touch me unless I let it. I don't have to let anyone have power over me." Tony looked at his lap and bit his lower lip. "It took me a while to get it though…and I've had my whole life on hold because of it. And I know that they did do horrible things to me. And that it's normal that it affected me. And I know that something like that could happen again one day—we have dangerous jobs…but even if it does…it doesn't have to have complete power over my life."

Gibbs reached out a hand across the table towards Tony who clasped it tightly. "They took so much from me Gibbs," he said softly. "They hurt me so bad…and they took so much time…hours, days, they've taken weeks of my life away from me! I don't want to let them have months or years." He straightened his posture and smiled shyly. "I'm not going to let them have months or years. Their control stops today. Right now. This morning. I am a free man."

It took a few seconds for Gibbs to process everything that Tony had said. He'd spoken more in the past five minutes than he'd said at one time in the last five weeks. "Tony…" he smiled. "I'm so proud of you," he said sincerely. "I know how much you've struggled. I just…hope this feeling lasts for you."

Tony smiled. He stood up from the table and walked around to where Gibbs was sitting. He held out his hand, and when the older man took it he pulled him to his feet. "Come with me," he said softly.

Tony led the way to their bedroom where Gibbs balked slightly. Tony turned to him. "I want to show you how grateful I am that you've been so wonderful," Tony said with a sexy smile. Gibbs smiled and leaned in and kissed him. "I think we should take things slow," he said gently.

Tony blinked. "But…don't you want to…you know?" he pushed his hips tight against Gibbs'.

Gibbs put his hands on Tony's hips to stop him. "You know I want to," he said, kissing Tony on the cheek. "But I want to know you're ok first. That this isn't just a passing thing. I don't want us to rush into something that might scare you or hurt you unintentionally. I already know how grateful you are," he pulled Tony into an embrace.

Tony pulled back a bit. "But I want to SHOW you how grateful I am! I need to show you. I need it, Jethro," he said, his voice dropping into the sexy bedroom drawl he sometimes got.

"Tell ya what," Gibbs said. "Let's give Cheryl a buzz and tell her your exciting news. She's going to be thrilled. After that…if you still insist on showing me, then we'll see what happens ok?"

Tony groaned and dropped his head to Gibbs' shoulder. Gibbs smiled and kissed Tony's cheek again and pulled out his cell phone. After dialing quickly, he lifted the phone to his ear. Two rings later, Cheryl answered the phone.

"_Cheryl Hodges,"_ a sleepy voice said.

"Did we wake you?" Gibbs said softly. He glanced at the clock. Nearly 9am. Not too early.

"_It's fine,"_ Cheryl said, sounding immediately more alert. _"What's up? How's Tony?"_

"He uh…he needs to talk to you. Something's happened," Gibbs said. He passed off the phone before she could respond.

Tony hopped on the phone and told Cheryl everything he'd told Gibbs a few minutes earlier. "I just feel so amazing—so light!" Tony exclaimed finally. "And I want to make love with Gibbs—I want to reaffirm our relationship, and I want to show him how grateful I am for everything he's done—for everything he's put up with from me."

"_Tony,"_ Cheryl said. _"Slow down a minute. Now…I'm not trying to antagonize you here, but are you sure this is what you want? Deep down—really sure?"_

"I'm sure!" Tony said with no hesitation.

"_I know this has been a source of great fear for you,"_ Cheryl said gently. _"You aren't feeling at all nervous about this?" _

Tony shook his head. "Nothing can touch me Cheryl. My attackers are dead and gone. They aren't going to control my life anymore. This is the best way I know to prove it."

On the other end of the line, Cheryl smiled. Bingo. He was trying to prove something. _"Tony why do you feel the need to prove that you are in control of your own life?"_

"Because I haven't been…not in so long! And I finally got the control back! I have energy—I feel restless I have so much energy—and I feel powerful—I feel like nothing can hurt me. I've got Gibbs and I've got my friends, and I'm taking control of my life back. Nothing can touch me."

"_Do me a favor,"_ Cheryl said. _"I'm not going to discourage you and Gibbs from exploring the more…sexual side of your relationship. That is certainly well within your right to do. I would suggest, however, strongly suggest, that you take things very slow. It's not uncommon for people in your situation to come to a big realization like this. But with that realization comes lots of emotions that can maybe cloud your judgment. It's important that you go slow for safety's sake if nothing else. You were injured by your rape and have since healed, but you have not—to my knowledge—engaged in intercourse of any type since you were attacked. Is that right?"_

"That's right," Tony said softly, more subdued sounding.

Cheryl's voice was gentle in Tony's ear. "_I know you're excited. I'm excited for you. But I am asking you to be kind to yourself and take things a bit slowly ok? Can you do that?"_

"Yes ma'am," Tony grumbled.

"_May I speak with Gibbs now please?"_

Tony passed off the phone to Gibbs like a sulky teenager and headed for the bathroom. Gibbs watched him go and raised the phone to his ear once the door shut behind him. "What's up Cheryl? What'd you say to Tony?"

"_The same thing I am going to say to you Gibbs,"_ Cheryl said gently. _"It's very important that you understand what is going on."_

"Could you explain it to me? Because honestly I have no clue about what's going on," he implored.

"_Tony is experiencing something that is relatively common with victims of sexual assault,"_ Cheryl said. _"He's entered a new stage in his recovery. He has made the decision for himself that he is going to take back control of his life. Now please understand. He is absolutely serious about this. And this is a big step to make, and in light of the events in the last few days, not an entirely unsurprising one. But there are some things to be aware of. I'm sure you heard Tony on the phone when he told me that he is feeling invincible. Making this decision is incredibly empowering. He is realizing how much of his life he has given up in order to be so focused on what happened. So he's eager to regain that control. And he should take steps toward regaining that control. As his partner, I am asking you to help him with this."_

"How? I'll do anything," Gibbs said.

"_Well the first thing is to try to not have him over-exert himself immediately. He may want to take on the whole world all at once. He shouldn't do this—it will quickly overwhelm him. He needs to retake his control in small steps, slowly regain his independence."_

"He mentioned wanting to go back to work."

"_I'd have him working on getting into the building comfortably before putting the pressures of his job on him. What are your thoughts? You are his direct supervisor, is that right?"_

"That's right," Gibbs said. "I dunno…I'm working three mornings a week. I could take him with me during those times and see how he handles it. There's always desk work to do—forms to fill out, cold cases to review, that sort of thing. That would keep him out of the direct line of fire for a while."

"_I'd have him start off just hanging around the office and doing as little work as possible. If he does decide he wants to work I'd find him a quiet corner somewhere. Everyone he works with is going to barrage him with information, well wishes, and inquiries into what happened to him."_

"I know," Gibbs said softly. "We'll talk to the Director and see what he thinks."

"_The big thing I want to talk to you about is having sex with him. He's insistent that this is something he wants."_

"I noticed," Gibbs said mildly.

"_Good. You need to stay aware of the situation. I'm not saying don't engage him in any sexual acts. He's still feeling a bit vulnerable—and he's feeling as though having sex will prove to everyone—especially him—that he is recovering and overcoming this."_

"I don't wanna do it just so he can prove he can," Gibbs said softly. "There's no enjoyment for either of us in that."

"_You're right,"_ Cheryl agreed. "_However, he does need to take this step—to see how he's doing for himself, if nothing else. But there are some things you can do to help him."_

"Name it," Gibbs said. "I'll do anything." He heard the shower turn on in the bathroom and relaxed a little, knowing Tony couldn't hear what they were saying.

"_You have to be the one to help keep things under control Gibbs,"_ Cheryl told him gently. _"You need to watch his body for cues—his body will tell you to stop even if he doesn't verbalize it. You can help keep him relaxed too by talking him through it. Use lots—and I mean LOTS of lube too. Keep everything as loose and easy as you can. Don't be rough—that isn't what he needs. He needs you to help him through this. Can you?"_

Jethro ran a hand over his face, knowing he was likely several different shades of red. "I can do it," he said. "You don't think it'll hurt him?"

"_I don't think it will hurt him if you let him lead but still keep an eye on his cues. He may want to try something new or different than what you're used to doing. Let him make suggestions. Be adventurous but not crazy. I think you will both be fine."_

"OK," Jethro said. "I'm uh…gonna go see what he's doing. He's in the shower. Thanks Cheryl."

"_Tomorrow afternoon you both have an appointment with me,"_ Cheryl said. _"Just take it easy and see what happens and I will speak with you tomorrow. If either of you need me before then, feel free to give me a call."_

"Thanks," Gibbs said again. He snapped the phone shut, took a deep breath and headed for the bathroom.

xxx

Abby pulled up to a stop in front of the nondescript strip mall on the outskirts of Georgetown. She'd been doing a lot of reading, had spoken at length with Ducky, and after lots of thinking, lots of feeling sorry for herself, and lots of questioning her actions and wondering how she could fix things with Tony. She and Tony had been close friends since shortly after Tony started working at NCIS…it broke Abby's heart to know that he was hurting so badly. It broke her heart more to know that she had contributed to that hurt. So now she was doing her homework to figure out how to make it better.

She checked the piece of paper in her hand and looked up to see the 907-B over the door she stood in front of. Satisfied that the number on the building matched the number on her printed out directions, Abby took a step inside.

There were voices coming from a room down an undecorated hallway and Abby stepped cautiously towards the sound. She came to a room with a group of chairs arranged in a circle. In the middle of the circle was a lit candle. Abby stood in the doorway and watched for a moment. She wondered if this was a good idea, wondered if she would be welcomed or scorned, wondered if she was doing the right thing.

"Can I help you, Miss?" a middle-aged lady on the other side of the room asked. All heads turned and looked at Abby.

"Um…I uh…that is," Abby twisted her fingers nervously, trying to find the right words. "My friend…he was…assaulted…and…"

"Come in honey," the lady said. "Join us. You are welcome here."

Abby nodded and forced her body forward in a rush of black fabric. She was beckoned in between two other ladies—one who looked older and one who looked younger than Abby. Abby sat down and stared at her lap, trying to keep her breathing under control.

"What's your name honey?" the woman asked gently.

"It's uh…My name is Abby," she replied quietly.

"Hi Abby," the ladies in the group said.

"My name is Priscilla," the woman who had welcomed her in and was obviously the leader said. "Now we are just finishing up today's meeting," she continued. "But if any of you ladies would like to stay and chat with Abby I am more than willing to facilitate that."

Abby glanced up to see who all was leaving, and was shocked to see that no one moved.

"Excellent," Priscilla said. "Thank you ladies." She turned to Abby. "Now. Abby. You said your friend was assaulted. Can you tell us about that?"

"Um…it uh…I just want to make sure…no one can repeat anything here, right? If I say something you guys won't share will you?"

"This is a support group honey," Priscilla said. "Everything you say is said in complete confidence. No one here will tell anyone anything you say." The others nodded their agreement.

"Ok," Abby said and took a deep breath. "My friend…he is a federal agent. He does lots of undercover work."

"Your friend is a man?" One of the others said. Her tone was nonjudging. She looked at the others. "I don't think we've ever had a man in our group before. What happened to him?" she asked Abby.

Abby took another deep breath, trying to stay calm. "He was working a case. He was undercover and working alone. While he was with the suspects he was raped…they drugged him…he couldn't fight back."

She watched as the faces in the room changed. Some to horror, some to sadness, some to pain. "That must have been very scary for him."

Abby nodded. "And…and afterwards…well he's not been himself," she said softly. "And I've done a lot of reading, and talked to a doctor friend of mine—who is also friends with him. I get that it's normal for him to be different. How could you not be after something like that?" she shuddered to a stop.

After a moment's pause, Priscilla gently prodded her. "You're doing great Abby," she said gently. "Please. Continue."

Abby nodded. "It was a while before his…before anyone let us see him after what happened. He was in such a mess; he just couldn't handle the company. And I'm…I'm one of those people…I like to give hugs. I like to touch my friends and have lots of body contact. It's how I connect…with the world," she spoke softer now, her eyes on her lap. "But…but after this…he doesn't like to be touched. I forgot and went to hug him once…he backed away like I was trying to hurt him. I would never hurt him," Abby said looking up at the others. Tears filled her eyes. "He's one of my best friends. I'd never hurt him. But I realize, after taking some time, and after learning some about what he's going through. I did hurt him. I scared him."

"Have you seen him since that happened?" One of the other ladies, who until now had not spoken, asked.

"Yeah," Abby said. "I saw him on Christmas."

"How was that?" Priscilla asked.

Abby shrugged. "He kept his distance. He's been freaked out by me ever since…ever since that first day I saw him."

"Have you spoken to him?"

"Not really," Abby said sorrowfully. "I'm too…I'm so hyper...Even when I try not to be and I guess…I guess it's just too much for him. He barely even talks to me on the phone—he only stays on a minute before he starts freaking out again. I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to change who I am to make him more comfortable."

"I don't think you necessarily have to change who you are," Priscilla said gently, and the others nodded. "These girls here…they can tell you how comforting it can be to have people not changing around them after what's happened."

"Lissen Sugar," another lady said. "You gotta understand, your friend might not ever be the same. It's gonna take work from both of ya to figure out how to make your friendship work. Some people can handle it, and some people can't. I think I can speak for every single one of us here when I say we've all gained new friendships from what happened to us, and we've all lost some relationships because of it. Some of our relationships are stronger and we have more trust now than we did, and other relationships we have might be strained and take even more work now."

"Abby one thing you may or may not have read. Every person in a rape victim's circle is affected by a rape. Sure the rape victim has to make peace with being violated and brutalized, but the victim's friends and family are also affected by it. Perhaps not to the same level that a rape victim is affected, but every person in the victim's circle is affected."

"But that makes me feel so selfish," Abby said, her voice small. "I feel like T—my friend needs to have the focus on him, to have the support geared towards him, so he can get his feet under him again."

"Trust me girl," one of the others said. "When someone gets raped, the last thing they want is to have all the focus on them. Treat him like he's your friend, but don't treat him like he's any different. He'll let you know what the boundaries are."

Abby let out a soft chuckle. "There's that word again."

"What word?"

"Boundaries," Abby said, looking at her lap. "That's where I always get into trouble."

"How so, Abby?" Priscilla asked.

"I always cross the line. It's like I'm socially dysfunctional or something. I have a hard time reading stop signs."

"Ah," Priscilla said. "Well yes I can see how that would get you into trouble."

"I don't mean to do it though," Abby said, her voice pleading and begging the women without words to understand her. "I want to be supportive—I want to be everything he needs to recover. I just. Don't seem to know how to do that."

"Do something nice for him—with his permission," another older lady suggested. "I'm guessing he doesn't like surprises so much."

"He wasn't a huge fan of surprises before, but now…surprising him seems to be a fast track to ending whatever might be happening."

"Keep in mind dear," Priscilla cut in gently, "that men react differently to things than a woman does. When a woman is raped she may feel scared, angry, victimized—emotions of that nature. And I'm not saying men don't feel the same thing, because it's sounding like your friend is experiencing those things. Men have to also deal with the societal stigma that goes along with being raped. There is a certain emasculating effect for a man being raped; he begins to feel as though society sees him as less than a man or somehow weaker than he was before he was attacked. So on top of feeling absolutely violated and threatened and fearful of another attack, he also has to deal with the fear that he will be rejected by his family, friends, and coworkers for having 'let' something like this happen," Priscilla said, using air quotes to describe how a man "lets" a rape happen.

Abby's jaw dropped a bit and she worked her mouth open and closed several times trying to form words. "I…I never thought that…I would never think that about Tony," she breathed.

"I'm not insinuating you would think or feel such a thing," Priscilla said. "I am merely pointing out that this is a challenge that many men who are victims of rape have to contend with."

"I understand," Abby said. She wrapped her arms around her middle and leaned forward. "I don't understand how people could be mean to someone who's been through something like this," she said, her voice pained and quiet.

"Happens all the time," Priscilla said. "These girls will tell you—there is rejection and judgment at every turn. Someone wore a skirt too short, someone wore her shirt too tight. Someone danced seductively. She said no but she didn't mean it." Priscilla looked at Abby. "He was given a drink that had drugs in it—tasteless, odorless drugs—and he didn't notice it until it was too late. Surely he must not be a real man if he allowed that to happen."

"My God," Abby said. She looked at the others and her eyes filled with tears. "I…I had no idea…what it was like for you. You all are so strong…you sound so brave…how do you do it?"

"We get up every morning. We make ourselves get out of bed. We force ourselves to look in the mirror and we tell ourselves that we are strong, and that we are stronger than this rape was. Some days it's hard. Some days we still feel dirty. Some days we can't get the sensation of his hands off of us. We smell his cologne. We hear his voice whispering in our ears. Some days it's all we can do to get through it. Other days we have a passing thought about it and move on. Our friends and families are the reason we make it. We're stronger because we've learned how to live, and not let our rapists rule our lives."

That afternoon Abby left the support group feeling much better than she had when she arrived. Those brave ladies had given Abby plenty of things to think about. She got in her car with a sense of peace. She knew she had to make amends for her previous actions with Tony. He was one of her best friends, and he was hurting. She had contributed to it, had made things even more difficult for Tony than they already were. She felt certain she could make things right though. Abby had wanted nothing more than to help Tony and support him since he was assaulted. Before she left, Abby asked Priscilla and the other members of the group if it would be ok for her to return to the meetings sometimes. The ladies encouraged her to do come any time. Abby would need support herself, as she offered support to Tony and Gibbs.

She pulled into traffic and turned on the radio. Abby loved Tony and Gibbs. She was determined to get them through this.

TBC…


	33. One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

**A Note From My Friend:**_**This letter was written by my friend who is helping me with this story in response to several reviews I have received. **_

Dear Reviewers who feel that part of the story is "old" or "moving too slowly" or "overused and worn out",

I'll not give you my name, as I'm not ready to face the world on that level yet. I'm VERY glad you like Cheryl. She's based on the best therapist I had during this time, and once I found her, I stayed under her care until moving dictated I find someone else. I've never found anyone as insightful since, and I miss her guidance and wisdom more than I can explain. SO I'm very glad you like her.

Abby is, at this point, being modeled after MOST friends of rape victims. I wish I could say differently. MOST people, when confronted with the rape of a friend or family member, have no understanding, or even willingness to understand what's happened to the person immediately. When I was raped, I lost most of my friends. It wasn't because I didn't want to talk to them, or because I was angry with them or anything else. I wanted to talk to them. I NEEDED their support. However, they were so convinced that that if I just acted "normal", my emotions would follow suit. They would try to force me to go to movies with them. They would show up at my house uninvited and come up behind me, like they did before, and then get mad at ME when I had a panic attack or confronted them on crossing a boundary that I had made perfectly clear. In truth, I only have one friend left from before my rape. All of the friends I have now are friendships that I have formed SINCE my rape. The others walked away, because they, as several said, "can't handle you being so selfish and high-strung all the time." I wasn't being selfish. I was asking for people to follow boundaries.

Abby WILL come around, as my one remaining friend did. Gibbs is being a gem, just as my husband was. If it wasn't for his support, patience, unswerving loyalty and love, I'm honestly not sure I'd have survived. Some days, I didn't want to.

And now the thing with Molly. I have, in my life, dealt with MANY nurses just like Molly. I was, when I was taken to the hospital, informed by one nurse, that I must have been leading someone on, so it was my own slutty fault. (when I was raped, I was in baggy jeans, a t-shirt, and hadn't done anything I was aware of to lead anyone on) I HAVE had nurses get SO gowned up, and masked up and EVERYTHING that Molly did, just to take my blood-pressure and pulse, because they know I'm there for my 6 month "possible STD checkup". They don't know why I'm needing the test. They only see what's on the paperwork. They see, in their mind, a whore. And they treat me like one. I've even had nurses stand in the hall and argue with their superiors that they can't take care of a "risk" like me, because they have children, and they don't want to catch something from me.

Folks, it feels like a violation all over again, EVERY SINGLE TIME. It's shaming, EVERY SINGLE TIME. Every female exam, my rape is discussed, as I'm at greater risk for an abnormal pap-smear. And it's a reminder. Every single time. (I especially love the question of "What are you doing to protect yourself now?" as if I had a choice in the matter.) I have had MASSIVE panic attacks after dealing with some of the nurses. I have tried to hurt myself after I've gone home, because of what's been said by a "caring and compassionate" nurse.

Please, realize that while some stories are all about rape, followed by a romp in the bedroom, and everything is better, as if that's how it works. It's not. I'm helping to write this story so people can see what it's like, and perhaps, just perhaps, some woman or man can be spared some additional trauma at the hands of well-meaning friends and acquaintances.

"Other than that there was only one other major thing that bugged me about this story. And that is Molly. It seems like there is always a scene like hers in every single slash piece. Frankly I am a little bored with that storyline." I asked Headbanger Rockstar to put the section with Molly in, because it is such a large part of what I (and other rape survivors) deal with, and I, after reading one too many "healing sex trope", talked with Headbanger, and we decided we wanted to show what rape victims who BECOME rape survivors deal with. It's not an overused storyline. It's cold hard fact.

**Author's Note****: Grown up eyes only!**

**No Chains Holding Me  
><strong>**Chapter 33: One Step Forward, Two Steps Back**

Gibbs stood outside the bathroom door for a long moment before he lifted his hand and knocked. He wasn't entirely sure what he'd find on the other side of the door, but he was prepared to do whatever was necessary to support Tony. If that meant having sex or just talking about it and walking away he was ok with whichever they chose. Gibbs knew that he had to keep his head in the game though, he had to keep an eye on the situation and make sure that Tony was enjoying whatever they ended up doing.

"Tony?" he called softly, cracking the door open.

Tony was in the shower. "Come in," he called back, his voice echoing slightly from behind the shower curtain. Gibbs stepped inside the bathroom and closed the door behind him to keep the steam in the room.

Gibbs sat down on the closed toilet lid and took a deep breath. Tony poked his head around the shower curtain. "Do you wanna join me?" he asked, his voice sounding quiet and slightly unsure.

Gibbs smiled. "I'd like that. Do you want me to join you?"

Tony nodded and watched as Gibbs stood up without another word and began disrobing. He swallowed hard as Gibbs' jeans slid to the floor and he stepped out of them.

Once he was naked, Gibbs stood outside the tub for a moment. Though there was heat on in the house, his skin felt slightly chilly being exposed. Tony stood under the spray with his head peeking around the curtain for a long moment. "Um. I uh…guess I should move out of your way," Tony chuckled nervously. He backed up, further under the spray, making room for Gibbs to join him. Gibbs stepped inside the shower and let out a groan of pleasure at the feel of the warm water.

Jethro stared at his partner, eyeing the way the water ran across his smooth skin. He traced the rivulets of water with his eyes, from his head down to his toes. He realized he was staring and took a deep breath. "God you're beautiful," he breathed. "Can…Can I touch you?"

Tony licked his lips, suddenly nervous. He wondered if Gibbs would just jump right into sex…wondered what position Gibbs would want him in. He nodded. "Yes," he whispered.

Jethro stepped closer to Tony, the water sluicing over both of them, steam rising all around them. He brushed the backs of his fingers over Tony's cheek and leaned in. He kissed him right on the corner of his lips and pulled back for a moment. Tony's eyes were closed, but he didn't seem especially tense or scared. Leaning in again, Gibbs kissed Tony softly, his tongue slipping between Tony's lips, smiling when Tony began returning the kiss. He deepened the kiss slightly and a moment later pulled back. "God I love you," Gibbs whispered. "I love you so much. I'm so proud of you." He kissed Tony again before the younger man could respond. He took Tony's hands in his and lifted them to his own hips. He placed his lover's hands on him, but left him to his own devices. A moment later he sucked in a sudden deep breath as Tony pulled their hips close together, their naked bodies rubbing against each other smoothly in the warm water.

Tony pulled back from the kiss for a moment, just looking at Gibbs, taking in the way the water trickled down his body, getting caught in the salt and pepper hairs on his chest. "Ok Tony?" Gibbs asked softly. Tony nodded silently, still watching Gibbs.

"I wanna touch you," Tony said.

Jethro turned so his back was to the shower wall and smiled at Tony. He spread his arms out, welcoming Tony to him. "Have your way with me. Show me what you want. Show me how to make you feel good. God you're so sexy. The way…the way the water runs over you…it just…has no idea…how lucky it is."

Tony gasped and leaned into Gibbs' body then, kissing him passionately. "I've missed you," he murmured. "We've been…together…nearly every day…and I…I've missed you…I'm so sorry…I'm so sorry," Tony whispered, his voice breathy, almost prayer-like.

"You have nothing to be sorry for," Gibbs assured him gently, soothing him with a fiery kiss. "I wanna touch you Tony…wanna touch you all over…wanna trace every inch of you that the water touches. But I know…" he kissed Tony lightly, "I know if I do that…I'm gonna lose it. I'm so turned on by you…God you're so…you're so strong," he kissed Tony again, his lips nuzzling Tony's neck under his ear. "If…if I touch you too much…Christ I'm gonna lose it before we even get started."

Tony leaned in and kissed him passionately, pushing Jethro's head back against the tile shower wall. Gibbs returned the kiss just as passionately. It wasn't a fight for dominance though, it was a joining of two souls, a coupling of two partners who loved each other with everything in them. Finally Tony pulled back to stare for a moment and Jethro felt a smile drag across his lips. "You're amazing," he murmured. "You amaze me every day." The look on Tony's face was indescribable. Gibbs wasn't sure it Tony was going to jump him and have his way with him or if he was going to cry. "Touch me Tony," Gibbs whispered.

Tony gasped at Gibbs' words. He leaned in and kissed him again, his lips trailing from Gibbs' lips to his jaw, to his ear. He picked up the bar of soap and began working a lather up, while he concentrated with his lips on one particular spot under Gibbs' ear. Gibbs hummed happily and tilted his head to give Tony better access to the spot.

"I love you," Tony whispered. "I'm sorry I've done such a crappy job of showing it lately—but you're the only reason I'm still here. You're the only reason I've made it this far. I don't…I can't pay that back…wouldn't even know where to start."

Gibbs gently stopped him at this. "Wait," he said softly. "Understand one thing before we go any farther." He waited until Tony was looking him in the eye before he continued. "This is not for paying me back. I don't want you to pay me back. I haven't done anything for you that you wouldn't do for me. All I've done is love you. You've loved me too. There's no paybacks here, no debts owed. I just love you and you love me. We're equals here. Got it?" he kissed Tony lightly on the lips.

Tony's cheeks turned a sweet shade of pink and he nodded sheepishly. "Got it," he said softly. He resumed lathering the soap without any further comment. Once the soap was all bubbly and lathered up he smiled. "I love you," he whispered, meeting Jethro's gaze. "I feel like I can't say that to you enough. I've missed so many chances to say it…I need to say it as often as I can." He rubbed the bar of soap over Gibbs' chest, smiling when he watched Jethro close his eyes and lean his head back against the wall, enjoying the treatment. He rubbed the slippery soap over Jethro's skin, his thumbs brushing over the older man's nipples, raising them to hard nubs and causing his older lover to suck in a stuttering breath.

He continued soaping up Gibbs' body, moving lower and slower. Tony watched, fascinated, as Gibbs' body responded to him. Gibbs followed Tony's gaze, watching his erection grow under the gentle touches from his partner and he smiled at Tony. "See how hard I get for you? My body just is crazy for you Tony. Every inch of me just…is electrified by you."

Gibbs was taking care to make sure that Tony remained in control of whatever was happening. He'd placed his own back to the wall to avoid the temptation of slamming Tony against the tiles and taking him. He would not do anything to frighten his partner. This was all about Tony, all about making him feel good, all about the two of them reconnecting on a new level.

Tony watched Gibbs' erection grow a bit more under his touch before taking a step back, his eyes never leaving Gibbs' body. Finally he dragged his gaze up to Gibbs. "I could…I could help you…take care of that…if you wanted," he murmured.

"Whatever you feel comfortable with," Gibbs said gently. He leaned in and kissed Tony gently, cupping the back of the younger man's neck in his hand lightly.

Tony smiled at him, returning the kiss. He put his hands lightly on Gibbs' chest. "I feel comfortable with you," Tony said softly. He dropped slowly to his knees, and Gibbs' eyes widened. Whatever he'd been expecting, this wasn't it. Tony wrapped his hand slowly around Gibbs' erection, squeezing gently and feeling the blood pulse beneath his fingertips. He could see the pearly drop of arousal blooming on Gibbs' tip and he took a deep breath. Leaning forward before he gave himself a chance to think about it, Tony licked Gibbs' tip clean. Before…everything…Tony had immensely enjoyed giving oral to Jethro. But now…he struggled to swallow as the memories forced their way to the surface.

Jethro saw it and pulled him right to his feet. "Now now," he said, cupping Tony's face lightly. "You ok? Stay with me," he turned off the water. "C'mon. Let's get out of here. Water's starting to get cold."

Tony took a shaky breath and nodded. Jethro realized his mistake. He'd been so caught up in the moment, in the surprise of what Tony wanted to do, in the sensation of what he managed to do, that for a moment he'd lost control. He wasn't talking, hadn't been helping to keep Tony's head in the game. Jethro reached out to the rack on the wall and grabbed one of the fluffy towels. Tony was still quiet, eyes on his toes. Jethro pushed the shower curtain back and then gently began drying Tony with the soft fabric.

"Here we go Tony, don't want us to catch cold," Gibbs murmured as he began drying his lover. He ran the towel over Tony's hair, across his shoulders, fingers lightly tracing over Tony's skin. "You know, you looked so sexy in that shower, I can't get over it," he smiled at Tony. Tony lifted his eyes and a faint smile reached his features. Jethro noticed the pink tint to Tony's cheeks and stopped, cupping his face lightly. "You are so strong, so powerful, so sexy," he said gently, but with strength in his tone. He tapped two fingers lightly under Tony's chin and smiled when a bigger smile reached his lover's lips. "Do you know how brave you are? I'm so proud of you. You tried something you weren't sure if you were ready for—and I'm so proud of you for knowing your limits and respecting the boundary there. Here," he said, wrapping the towel around Tony's waist. "Tie this."

Jethro wrapped a towel around his own waist while Tony was fumbling with his. Once they were both sufficiently covered, Jethro held out his hand. "C'mon you," he said affectionately. He pressed another hot kiss to Tony's lips and smiled into it when he felt Tony begin to return he kiss with equal passion. "You're amazing," Jethro whispered. "I love you so much."

"Can we," Tony's voice was soft, and didn't hold the confident sound that it had earlier. "Can we go to the bed?"

"We can go wherever you want Tony," Gibbs said. "You're in charge here. You lead the way. Tell me what you want."

"I want you," Tony implored. "I want to show you how much I love you. Wanna show you how grateful I am. Wanna show you how sexy you are…how much you turn me on…" he glanced down at his half hard erection. "Even if it doesn't always show," he said with a nervous chuckle.

The two headed for the bed.

Once they got into the bedroom, Tony moved to lay down on his back on the bed. "Take me," he whispered.

Jethro stopped. "Are you sure?"

Tony nodded. Jethro took a deep breath and reached into the bedside table drawer for their tube of lube. He remembered Cheryl's advice about using lots of words and lots of lube and nearly chuckled. He figured this would be the only way a woman would be allowed into their bed. He squirted some lube out onto his fingers and rubbed it a bit to warm it. Gibbs knew that the sudden cold sensation would only cause Tony to tense more, and he didn't want to make it harder for Tony than it likely would be anyway.

He moved his hand down to begin stretching Tony, talking to him, whispering in his ear about how sexy he is and how much he loved him. Tony wriggled under his touches, and groaned in satisfaction at the way Gibbs languidly rubbed his fingers over his body. Just before Gibbs slipped a finger into Tony's tight channel, the older man realized how tense Tony was. He wasn't extremely tense, wasn't extremely frightened, but he was nervous. Nervous enough for Gibbs to see the tension along his lover's muscles, feel it as he touched him lightly. He stopped. "You ok?"

"Fine," Tony answered quickly. Too quickly, and he didn't meet Gibbs' gaze. "I'm fine Jethro."

"Let's try something different," Jethro said. "Can I make a suggestion?"

Tony looked up at him and nodded. "Yeah," he said. "You aren't going to stop are you? I really don't wanna stop."

"Just relax," Gibbs said. "I'm gonna make you feel good. Do you trust me? Trust me not to hurt you?"

"I trust you," Tony moaned. "Always trust you…love you…please God, sweet Jesus will you fuck me please? Please God…"

Jethro kissed Tony's jaw. "Not God, Tony," he breathed out a soft chuckle. "Just Gibbs."

Tony snorted out a quiet laugh and shook his head. Gibbs squirted more lube onto his hand and kissed Tony deeply. As he kissed the younger man he pressed their erections together and squeezed them with his lubed up hand. Tony groaned into the kiss. "Hoooooooooooooooomygod," Tony whimpered.

"Like that?" Gibbs whispered. "Because I can't help but touch you. You're so beautiful…so sexy when you're all turned on and wanton like this. I could just lay here all day and tease you and keep you on edge. Would you like that?"

"Mmmmnnngggg," Tony groaned.

"Don't hold back on my account," Jethro encouraged him gently. "I love listening to all your sounds. You're so strong and brave and listening to you get turned on and listening to your arousal grow is just about the sexiest thing in the world, Tony."

Jethro leaned down and kissed Tony, nuzzling softly under his ear. Tony sucked in a deep breath and Gibbs felt the slight change. Tony tensed ever so slightly—and not because he was turned on. Deciding to try something else, Gibbs released his hold on his own erection and squeezed Tony's a little tighter, dragging his fingers to Tony's tip, pulling the groan right from his lover's lips. "Roll on your side babe," Gibbs whispered. "Wanna try something."

Tony rolled over without Gibbs releasing him. The next thing Tony was aware of, he could feel Gibbs' erection pressing against his hip. Gibbs snaked a leg between Tony's legs and their ankles intertwined as two puzzle pieces would. Tony let out a sigh of relief. Of all the things Jeffrey and Lane did to him, they never rolled him on his side. This was neutral ground—untouched territory. He felt his arousal double when he thought about how well Gibbs was reading him—better than he was even reading his own feelings.

"Love you," Tony groaned. He wrapped his long fingers around Gibbs' wrist that was working his erection up and down. Tony grabbed the lube and squirted more of it over his cock and Gibbs' hand. The friction suddenly became deliciously sweet, and Tony nearly blew his load right then. He could hear Gibbs whispering in his ear, could feel him nibbling on the side of his neck, could feel his warm breath on his skin. He couldn't make sense of Gibbs' words, but it didn't matter. He knew Gibbs loved him. Knew Gibbs had his six. Knew Gibbs was watching out for him now, in the midst of their passionate coupling. Tony wondered if he'd ever be able to have sex again, but decided to worry about that some other time. "Love you," Tony whispered again. "God I love you…oh yeah…mmm rub it… yeaaaah God shit fuckin…just like that ugggh…yeaaah…"

He could feel Gibbs' erection getting harder against his hip and let out a happy sigh as he realized he'd never felt so safe.

Safe. Yeah. He felt safe. Finally. Finally he felt safe.

Gibbs smiled and pressed a kiss to the side of Tony's neck as his younger lover came hard with a shout. His eyes widened when he saw the force of Tony's orgasm. While Gibbs had managed to amuse himself in the shower a couple of times and the bathroom a couple of other times, Tony hadn't cum, hadn't let himself have any pleasure since he was raped. He knew that Tony had achieved a climax while he was raped, but felt almost certain that he hadn't since then. He loved watching Tony though. His eyes were closed and sweat was beading at his temples and hairline. His mouth was hanging open as he gasped for air and the room smelled of passionate sex. He leaned down and kissed Tony's shoulder, and smiled when he felt Tony's sluggish hand reach around behind himself and grab Gibbs' erection. He couldn't help but thrust himself up into Tony's grip, and it was only a couple of strokes later when Gibbs came with a shout, spurting all over Tony's back and hip.

"Couldn't…couldn't go without you," Tony murmured, nearly asleep.

Gibbs smiled. Tony had always been one of those people who almost immediately dropped off to sleep after a good orgasm.

Suddenly Tony bristled. "Get it off," he whispered, almost to himself. His hand moved to his hip and he sluggishly tried to wipe Gibbs' semen off of his skin. "No…no please…please get it off," he mumbled.

Gibbs sprang into action, grabbing the towel he'd discarded and quickly wiping Tony clean. "Ok," he murmured. "It's ok. It's alright. Just me. You're safe. Safe remember? We're at home. Just you and me."

"Safe," Tony whispered, struggling to regain control. Gibbs quickly wiped himself clean too.

"That's right," Gibbs murmured, throwing the towel off to the side and brushing his fingers through Tony's hair. "C'mere," he helped Tony turn over and the younger man buried his face in the side of Gibbs' neck, breathing in the smell he'd come to associate with safety. Gibbs always had his back, always kept him safe. Jethro brushed his fingers through Tony's hair lightly. "Got you," he murmured. "You're ok. You did so good! You are so brave. I'm so proud of you."

Tony made a soft hmmm-ing sound and snuggled in a little deeper. "Sleepy," he mumbled.

"Get some rest honey," Gibbs whispered. He continued to comb his fingers lightly through Tony's hair. "I'm right here. You're with me and you're safe. Just the two of us. No one can touch you here. You're at home and you're safe. I am so proud of you. You're so brave. You're so sexy…I love you so much Tony. And this was maybe some of the most satisfying sex I've ever had. Sex with you is always the best ever though. You're so strong and so brave. I'm so proud of you. I'm proud to call you my partner. Just sleep now. Get some rest. You've had a big morning…lots of big realizations this morning. I'm so proud of you."

He was fairly certain that Tony was sleeping now. The younger man's breathing was light and even, and he wasn't moving. Tony was typically squirmy when he was trying to go to sleep and then calmed once he was out. Gibbs could tell by how still he was that Tony was likely sleeping.

"My brave boy," he whispered. "Christ you are sexy. Do you know how amazing it was to see you be so brave? You really came out of your shell today. Thank you so much for sharing that with me. For letting me be a part of your life, your recovery. I'm so proud of you. I love you so much.

Tony clung to Gibbs and Gibbs held onto his boy, listening to each breath he took, paying attention to every muscle in Tony's body. He was pleased to see that Tony was getting some good rest, was nearly boneless against him, was at peace. Finally at peace.

xxx

Jethro opened his eyes when he felt the shudder vibrate his entire body. He glanced around, trying to understand what the sensation that woke him was, when he heard a soft sound of protest escape from Tony. He ran a soothing hand up and down Tony's back, wondering what Tony was seeing behind his closed eyelids. "Easy," he murmured. "Just relax honey. You're home. You're safe. It's Jethro. You're safe."

Tony responded by clenching his fingers in a fist, some of Jethro's hair and skin making their way into the mix. He ran his hand over Tony's back again and shook his shoulder. "Hey. Tony. Wake up." He winced when Tony's grip tightened, and another moan escaped his lips.

It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that Tony was having a nightmare. Gibbs gently rolled Tony off of him and sat up on the side of the bed next to him. A curious glance at the clock told Gibbs that it was midafternoon—they'd been asleep for several hours. Tony groaned again and his hands fisted in the sheets. The younger man let out a pained grunt, followed by quite possibly the saddest, most mournful sound that Jethro had ever heard. He shook Tony's shoulder again.

This went on for some time and Tony seemed unable to escape the nightmare he found himself enveloped in. The shuddering and groaning continued, his breaths beginning to come in short gasps, and it made Jethro more nervous with each passing second. He slid an arm under Tony's shoulders and lifted him into a sitting position—but Tony blinked and with a shriek, shied away from Jethro, nearly falling off the bed.

"Get away," Tony breathed, eyes open wide now, and staring at his lap. "Get off me don't touch me leave me alone please stop just get away get off me," he rambled frantically. He raised his hands and put them on the sides of his head, almost as though he was covering his ears, and he let out a long, shuddering breath. "Leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone oh my God holy shit please just leave me al—"

Gagging on his words, Tony stumbled to his feet and shambled off to the bathroom. He hit his knees painfully on the tile floor, lifting the lid and retching horribly and suddenly into the porcelain bowl. Jethro was several steps behind him, trying to stay out of Tony's way as he hurried for the en-suite. He opened the cabinet and pulled out a wash cloth. He turned the water on cool and while he was wetting it, kept an eye on Tony on the floor beside him. The horrible heaving and retching seemed to be dying down some. Jethro turned off the water and moved towards Tony. Tony glanced at the tub and a moment later was bent over the side of it, heaving and retching there.

"Tony," Jethro called softly, hoping to get the other man's attention before touching him. "Tony it's Jethro. You're safe Tony. I'm right here. Gonna wipe your face for you." He moved to touch Tony's shoulder and his face, but Tony jerked back, twisting and forcing his body into the small space between the toilet and the bathtub.

"Don't touch me leave me alone get away from me what do you want leave me alone please please, please, please, please, please…" the hands were back over his ears, tears, snot and vomit on Tony's face.

Gibbs held out the cloth to him. "It's me Tony. It's Jethro. Here's you a cloth to wipe your face with," he said.

Tony didn't take the cloth, instead squeezing his eyes shut tighter. "Go'way," he mumbled. "Go…please…" he gasped suddenly. "I—can't—breathe!"

Gibbs moved back a few inches to give Tony some room. "Ok just take it easy. Try to slow your breathing down. I'm going to call Cheryl ok?"

Tony heaved and started throwing up again. Gibbs realized his phone was still in his jeans pocket from earlier. He glanced around, realizing they were balled up in the floor in the bathroom still (thankfully) and he grabbed them and dug around in his pockets until he found the phone. He pulled it out and dialed Cheryl's phone number.

xxx

Cheryl was perusing a bread shelf in a bakery when her cell phone rang. She glanced at it for only a moment before flipping it open.

"Cheryl Hodges," she answered.

_"Cheryl it's Gibbs,"_ he said breathlessly. She immediately picked up on the anxiety in the man's voice.

"Gibbs how are things?" She headed for the door, realizing that the conversation was likely going to turn very personal soon and didn't want to be in the middle of a store when that happened. She'd have to come back for her scones later.

_"Out of control! Oh my God—oh I can't believe this—hell I can't believe—I let him talk me into—and he won't let me near him—and he's so upset and freaking out and—"_

"Gibbs! Take a breath and slow down," Cheryl instructed. She could hear the man gasping in her ear and it troubled her. She hadn't really seen him this…frantic…since she'd begun treating them. She listened to him breath for several seconds then tried again. She got into her car and closed the door behind her and stuck the key in the ignition. "Now," she said, once he sounded a bit calmer. "Tell me what happened."

_"He…he got in the shower,"_ Gibbs started softly._ "Wanted me to join him. So I did. And I did like you said. Maybe not as great a job of it as I should have…but I did my best. We…uh…well we um…ended up heating things up in the shower a bit,"_ he said uneasily. _"Tony even…he started like he wanted to…but he got so scared. So I got us out of the bathtub."_

In the background behind Gibbs' voice she could hear Tony retching and throwing up. The more Gibbs spoke the more Tony vomited.

"Is Tony alright?" Cheryl asked. "It sounds like he's ill."

_"He's throwing up…so after we got out of the bathtub we…hang on,"_ Cheryl could hear some rustling, then Gibbs spoke to Tony. _"I'm going to step into the bedroom Tony. If you need me just yell I'm right here."_

Tony heaved and threw up more. There was more rustling and then Gibbs spoke again. _"Sorry. He's just…he's so upset…I didn't want to make him relive it again…I…Oh God I…I can't believe I did that,"_ Gibbs whispered, seemingly to himself.

"What happened after you got out of the bathtub?"

_"We…he wanted…he wanted to have sex,"_ Gibbs said, his voice breaking into a horror-filled whisper.

"And did you?" Cheryl asked gently. She didn't necessarily want _all _of the details, but she'd do what she had to do to help them.

_"He didn't…he didn't sound right…when he asked for it…it sounded all wrong…so I suggested…oh God I shouldn't have suggested anything, should have just walked away, should have told him we'd watch a movie or go for a walk…I shouldn't have…but…but I wanted to…I've missed him so much…"_

"Gibbs what happened? What did the two of you do?"

_"We…he wanted me to take him…but it seemed…I dunno, wrong…somehow…but he was so…he was turned on,"_ Gibbs whispered._ "And he was begging me…and this morning he was so confident…so I did like you said…and we used lots of lube…but I…I didn't have sex with him…I used my hand…I gave him a handjob…"_

"Keep going," Cheryl encouraged. "You're doing fine. Is Tony ok? Is he still throwing up?"

_"He's crying,"_ Gibbs said in a low voice. _"I can hear him. He isn't throwing up anymore. Oh God I ruined everything…I know I did…all my fault…"_

"Gibbs so far from what you've told me it sounds like everything that happened was consensual to both of you. It's understandable if it stirred up some nasty memories for Tony, but it doesn't sound like you did anything wrong."

_"I got him off,"_ Gibbs continued softly, staring at the bathroom door, but unable to see Tony because of where he was in the bathroom. He could still hear him crying and sobbing angrily. _"I got him off and then…then I came too…and it got on his hip. We were on our sides…it's the only position that they didn't…it's a safe position,"_ he said quietly. _"Or so I thought. Anyway when I came it got on his hip a little. He freaked out and wanted me to clean him off."_

"I'm assuming you did," Cheryl said. "How was Tony after that?"

_"He was…I mean he was a little tense, but seemed ok. He rolled over and we laid pretty close together and we fell asleep."_

Tony was throwing up again.

"You fell asleep. Then what?"

_"Then he woke up all upset. He was having a nightmare. I had to wake him up."_

"Has he said what his nightmare was about?"

_"No…no he hasn't really spoken to me…unless you count the litany of get off me, go away, leave me alone, and don't touch me that he keeps repeating,"_ he said grimly.

"And he's been throwing up since he woke up?"

_"Pretty much yeah,"_ Gibbs replied.

"How long have you been awake?"

_"Nearly half an hour?"_ he said softly._ "Not real sure. I just…Cheryl it's all so messed up. It was fine. He went to sleep and he was happy and he knew he was safe and he was ok to be close with me. And he had a great day—best day he's had since everything happened. And then we went to sleep. And I…I don't know what happened while we were sleeping. I don't know if I did something to him while we were sleeping—you know—unintentionally. I don't know if I hurt him or not. I don't know if I copped a feel or somehow hurt him…"_

"Gibbs you are the type of individual that is so carefully controlled…I'm not sure you could have done anything to him in your sleep, even if your subconscious wanted it."

_"I don't know that Cheryl…"_ Gibbs whispered. _"This is…this is the worst I've seen him…even when…it…happened…even then it wasn't like this. I just…can't stand the thought that I could have hurt him? God help me."_

"Do you think you can get him up? Can you come to my office so I can talk to both of you?"

_"He won't let me near him…I can't imagine he'd trust me enough to go anywhere with me right now."_

"Ok. Do you mind if I come to your home? In light of how he got so shocky last week I'd like to look in on him and just get a physical assessment of him."

_"Yes, please! Please come! What should I do until then?"_

"Stay close to him so he knows he isn't alone. Keep talking to him—just like before. I'm sure he's going to rely on you to be an anchor for him. I'm going to call Dr. Mallard and ask him to meet me at your house too if that is alright."

_"Yes, fine, that's fine,"_ Gibbs quickly agreed._ "Please just…just hurry. He needs help. I don't know what to do for him."_

Tony was retching and heaving, but Gibbs could tell there was nothing left to come up. He was dry heaving.

"Ok Gibbs," Cheryl said gently. "I'm on my way. Ducky and I will be there soon. Sit tight ok?"

_"Hurry,"_ Gibbs responded._ "Please. Please hurry."_

TBC…


	34. Help

**Author's Note:** I have to say—and I think I can speak for my friend too—that we are just overwhelmed with the positive response to the last chapter. Your support is priceless, and we thank you so much for going with us on this very difficult journey. Thank you EVERYONE who has read, commented, favorited, and alerted the story. Your anonymous and signed reviews are wonderful. Thank you. =)

_Special thanks as always goes to my dear friend who is assisting me with this story._

**No Chains Holding Me  
><strong>**Chapter 34: Help**

Ducky was settled in his wingback chair, blanket tucked neatly over his lap on this chilly January afternoon. He was ready to spend the afternoon reading _Oblomov,_ an obscure Russian novel, that he'd been given for Christmas. He sipped his tea and opened the book, ready to lose himself in the beauty of the Russian language. It was a perfect afternoon. Nothing could ruin it.

Nothing…except the ringing of his cell phone.

Ducky sighed. Really he didn't think one undisturbed afternoon was too much to ask. He glanced at the caller ID on his cell phone. Abby. He smiled. Abby was always a welcome interruption.

"Good afternoon Abigail," he answered merrily.

"_Hi Ducky,"_ Abby said. "_Have you got a minute? I really need to talk to you!"_

"Of course. What is on your mind?"

"_Well I thought about the stuff that you said the other day when I came to talk to you. You know. About Tony,"_ Abby said. _"And then I started reading online about survivors of rape and what all they go through. And I realized I didn't know a lot about it. And I'm really a pretty intelligent person, Ducky, so I thought that it would be really good of me to learn about it. I mean like, get some actual, you know, real life perspective on it. So I looked up a support group for rape survivors."_

"What a good idea," Ducky praised.

"_I went to their meeting and I got there right as they were finishing up and so I thought I would just come back another day but they all said they wanted to stay late so that I could talk to them, and I learned so much, and Ducky I've just been horrible to Tony! I've been pressuring him and scaring him and didn't understand how or why I was doing it. I understand better now. And I want to make things better. I want to fix it. Tony is one of my best friends. Most of the people I talked to today…they've all lost their friends. And the facilitator of the group said that it is not uncommon for someone to lose most or all of their friends after something like this. I don't want that to happen to Tony. He'll leave us if that happens. I'm surprised he hasn't tried to leave already!"_

"He has had several moments with Jethro when he's considered it, I can assure you. But I do agree, I think it would be tragic for our 'family' to be disrupted because of something like this. We all care for Tony and want to help him as much as possible."

"_So I was thinking…I need your help."_

"My help?" Ducky asked. "With what?"

"_I um…I want to fix things with Tony. But I realized today…after talking to the group…I've done a really horrible job of respecting Tony's boundaries, and I've probably hurt him more than any of us. Can you…I know it's a big favor to ask…can you help me fix it?"_

Before Ducky could respond, his phone beeped in his ear. A quick glance told him it was Cheryl calling. "Oh dear. Abby I will be more than happy to help you do that. But I'm afraid I must go for now—I have an important call coming in. I will call you back and we will figure out how to fix things for you. Alright?"

"_Don't worry about me Ducky,"_ Abby said. _"I'll talk with you later!"_

"Absolutely my dear. Goodbye."

Ducky hit the button to switch the calls.

xxx

Tony had managed to crawl into the shower. He was huddled under the scalding hot spray, on his knees, shivering and sobbing in the water. He scratched and scraped, raking his fingernails down his torso once more. He looked down at his body in dismay, as the dirt on his skin hadn't gone away. The black, tar-like substance, was back. It was the same inky blackness that had always been there, was always just under the surface, but now it was deeper. This wasn't just a black film on his skin that was a part of his skin, it seemed. It was like…some sort of disgusting mold that had seeped into his pores.

"Get off me," Tony whispered desperately, scrubbing and scrubbing at his skin. "Please…get off me…"

Tony realized that scratching and scrubbing at his skin wasn't working. He realized that this inky black mold on his skin was fueled by one thing and one thing only. Guilt.

The guilt was suffocating. Guilt over his rape. Guilt because…God he'd freaked out so badly…and Gibbs…Gibbs had stayed with him, had been so careful not to upset him…and he'd screwed it up…he'd screwed everything up. He couldn't work. He couldn't sleep. He couldn't eat. He couldn't satisfy his lover sexually. He couldn't even maintain friendships—if Abby and Kate and McGee were any indication. He fucked everything up…and he felt so bad about that. He didn't want it to be like this. He felt chained down. He didn't want to do this anymore…didn't want to screw anything else up.

And now the inky black molding tar was threatening to suffocate him along with the guilt. He couldn't combat it alone. He had to get it off of his skin. He had to make the hurt go away. Had to make himself pay for his transgressions…he'd screwed everything up so royally—he couldn't even let Gibbs near him…not because he was so much afraid of him—he was fearful of everyone—but because he was afraid of dragging Gibbs down too. He couldn't stand the thought that he'd somehow managed to hurt Gibbs in all of this…Gibbs sounded so scared, so frantic, so concerned when he was on the phone with Cheryl…Tony couldn't let Gibbs take the blame for all of this! It wasn't the older man's fault. He'd done exactly what Tony had asked of him—and not even to the extent that Tony had begged for. He'd been nothing but respectful, gentle, and caring, and how was Tony paying him back? By contaminating him with his tainted self…by ruining his life and his bed and his home…Tony ruined everything.

Scratching and scraping at his skin wasn't getting the job done, even though Tony could feel the sting of the water hitting his freshly abraded skin. The inky blackness was too deep—was not just on the surface—was, in fact, deep below the skin.

Glancing around for something, anything, to help him get cleaned off, Tony's eyes landed on a small disposable razor. He took a deep breath and reached a shaky hand towards it. He had to get the tar off of him.

xxx

Cheryl and Ducky arrived at the house close to the same time, Cheryl being only a couple of minutes ahead of Ducky.

"Where is Tony?" she asked upon entering the house.

Gibbs was still a pacing, frantic mess. He hadn't wanted to go downstairs to let Cheryl and Ducky in—hadn't wanted to leave Tony—but knew that it was the only way they'd be able to come inside. Gibbs religiously kept the door locked these days.

"He's upstairs," Gibbs said quietly. "This way." He led the way up the stairs. As they entered the bedroom, everyone could hear the shower running. "He's been in the shower since right after I got off the phone with you Cheryl. I tried talking to him but he just keeps screaming for me to go away. So I sat out here in the bedroom and didn't speak to give him some room, but still be close if he needed me.

"You say he won't let you into the bathroom with him?" Cheryl asked.

Gibbs shook his head.

"I wonder if I should try," Ducky asked.

"Let me try first," Cheryl said. "I think in this situation it might be easier on him to have a woman close by…he's expressed to me more than once that he sometimes feels nervous around men—even men he knows well. I'm going to have a go. Do not come into the bathroom unless I tell you to though. We clear?"

Ducky and Gibbs both nodded.

Cheryl set her bag down and stepped to the door of the en suite bathroom. She knocked firmly. "Tony? It's Cheryl. I'd like to come in."

There was no response, so Cheryl knocked again. "Tony it's Cheryl. I'm going to come into the bathroom."

Gibbs exchanged a nervous look with Ducky. Ducky tried to look reassuring, but without knowing what was going on behind the door, it was impossible to make it believable. "I hurt him Duck," Jethro said softly, watching as Cheryl closed the door behind her. He began pacing nervously. "I don't know how I did it, but I must have hurt him. He's so…so scared of me…God I wish I could go back and do this morning differently…I was trying to watch him, gauge his reactions…guess I didn't do as well as I thought."

Ducky stepped in front of him and put his hands up to stop Jethro's increasingly frantic movements. "Easy Jethro. It's going to be alright. Cheryl is a brilliant counselor. I'm sure she'll help you and Anthony to see the light. The two of you have made it this far. I'm sure you both will come out of this relatively unscathed. Do try and calm down."

"Calm down?" Jethro asked in disbelief. "You're kiddin, right?"

xxx

Cheryl poked her head inside the bathroom and slipped in, closing the door behind her. She made a point to make some noise so that Tony would know she was there. "Hi Tony," Cheryl spoke softly. "I hear you're pretty upset. Wanna talk about it?"

She could hear something…a strange sound in the shower in addition to the brokenhearted sobs coming from behind the curtain, but she couldn't place it.

When Tony didn't respond, Cheryl's concern increased. She tried again. "It's alright Tony. You can talk to me. You're safe at home—Jethro is here—"

At those words Tony started sobbing even harder, and the strange noise started happening faster—whatever it was, it was moving quicker. Cheryl took a seat on the closed toilet lid and put her hands in her lap, her fingers twisting nervously. She was glad Tony couldn't see her. "You know Tony," she spoke softly, letting her voice sooth over the steam wafting out of the bathtub. "Gibbs is very worried about you. He called me up just frantic…he's so concerned. He loves you so much. He didn't meant to do anything to hurt you…he's not even sure of what he did. It's ok for you to tell me if he hurt you."

The odd scraping noise continued, and Cheryl bit her lower lip when Tony still did not respond.

Taking a deep breath she continued. "I don't mean to be forceful here Tony, but I am getting very concerned that you aren't talking to me. I don't know exactly what is going on with you and unless you tell me I won't be able to help you. I want to help you Tony. I can help you through this. Together we can fix this. If you can't answer me I'm going to have to look in on you to make sure you are alright. I understand that might be uncomfortable for you, so I'd like to refrain from that for as long as possible. Can you hear me Tony? Are you listening?"

The sobbing continued. If anything it got louder and sounded even more brokenhearted. Tony still didn't speak and Cheryl bit her lip again, unsure of what to do. It was quite a quandary to be in. If she didn't look and Tony needed medical attention, then she could be liable for not getting him the help that he needed physically. But if he wasn't hurt physically, was merely upset, and she peeked in on him, Tony may view it as a violation of his trust, and that could be disastrous to their doctor-patient relationship. She listened as the weird scraping noise continued—still fast and frantic sounding—when suddenly she heard a pained gasp, the sound of something hitting the floor of the tub, and a pained cry…nearly a whimper, coming from Tony.

She was on her feet before she realized it, the curtain pulled back a few inches. She covered her mouth at the sight she beheld.

xxx

Jethro had finally given up pacing. He sank down onto the edge of the bed with a heavy sigh, just as the bathroom door cracked open and warm, moist steam escaped from the bathroom. Cheryl poked her head out. "I need some help in here," was all she said, before disappearing back into the steamy room.

Ducky and Jethro looked at each other for a split second before they each scrambled to get to the bathroom. Jethro's gut had been twisting ever since Tony woke up, but now it was screaming at him. Ducky's eyes were wide and they were nearly falling over each other trying to make it to Tony's side. For Jethro, his guilt immediately multiplied exponentially. How had he dared to leave Tony alone like that? He should have known…should not have listened…he should have stuck closer to Tony's side…oh gods what had he done? What had he allowed Tony to do to himself?

Inside the bathroom, Cheryl turned off the shower. Tony's skin was pink with the light scalding it had taken. It looked painful and as though it would be itchy later on. Tony was still curled in on himself; a problem because she couldn't see the damage. She could only see the blood, but couldn't tell where it was coming from—if it was coming from one cut or many, shallow ones or deep. She spoke continuously to him, providing constant reminders that he was not alone, that she, Gibbs, and Ducky were all there, and that they were going to work together to get him through this. Cheryl knelt beside the tub and firmly put her hands on Tony's shoulders.

"Raise up Tony," she said, her voice quiet but firm. "I need to see where you're bleeding."

"Oh my God," Gibbs exclaimed. He got into the bathroom just in time to hear Cheryl's words and his face paled considerably.

Ducky nudged him forward. "Jethro you've got to focus," he scolded gently. "Either focus or step out. Tony needs you."

_Tony needs you._ It surged Jethro forward. "Tony," he called softly, trying his damndest to not scare his lover. "Tony you with me?"

To everyone's surprise, Tony raised his gaze. There was blood on his face, pouring down his arms, on his torso, on his legs…Christ he was covered in it. Tony's expression quickly shut down, though the blush was not missed on his cheeks underneath all of the blood. "Go away Jethro," he mumbled, his gaze dropping. "You don't need to be here…Don' want you to see me like this… Just go."

Jethro forced himself in between Cheryl and Tony. He lightly cupped his lover's face and gently lifted his chin. "Hey…did…did I hurt you? Did I do this to you?"

That seemed to be Tony's undoing and he began sobbing and gasping again. Cheryl put a hand on Gibbs' shoulder. "Help me get him up," she said. "Ducky?" she glanced over her shoulder.

"I'm going to put several soft towels on the bed. It will give Anthony somewhere comfortable to rest where he won't soil the bedclothes."

"Good idea," Cheryl said. She turned back to Tony. "Tony? Can you hear me? Look at me Tony."

Tony lifted his gaze, but was so upset, she wasn't sure he was listening. "We're going to move you to the bed alright? Just let us help you."

"N-noooo," Tony wailed. He tried to pull away, but Jethro wouldn't let him go.

"Let me get you to the bed Tony. Then if you want me to back off I will."

"Tony talk to me," Cheryl said. She put her hand gently under his chin to lift his gaze. "Why do you not want to go to the bed?"

"N-nooooo," he whimpered, still trying to get away from Gibbs. His hands batted weakly at Gibbs. "Noooooo." He sobbed harder and his breathing became more ragged.

Gibbs looked at Cheryl. "What do I do?" he asked.

"Wait just a second," Cheryl said gently. "Tony. Look at me." She waited for Tony to raise his gaze. "Why is the bed so scary?"

Tony took a shuddering breath and gagged.

Cheryl quickly backpedaled and tried something else. "Would you rather we take you somewhere else?"

Tony ducked his head and shook it slowly. "N-nooo…b-bed…ok…"

"Ok, before we go to the bed, I need you to tell me why it bothers you so much. I can't help you if you don't talk to me."

Tony took several shuddering breaths. Gibbs was beginning to think that he wasn't going to speak, and just when he gave up, Tony started speaking slowly in a pained, hitched voice. "Fuck'd up," he whispered.

Cheryl let out a breath. This was progress. "How's that Tony? Talk to me. Why do you think that?"

Tony raised his gaze, anger filling his features. "I fucked up," he said a bit louder. "It's my fault."

Gibbs blinked. Here he'd been blaming himself all afternoon for fucking up with Tony. What the hell was Tony thinking, blaming himself for? He hadn't done anything!

Cheryl silenced him with a look. "Tell me more about that," she instructed. Ducky reappeared in the bathroom and draped a soft towel over Tony's shoulders.

"It's all my fault," Tony said. "My fault I got raped. I knew better than to take the drink from those two. Knew it in my fucking gut," he snarled raggedly. Gibbs shook his head in disbelief, but didn't speak. "I got drugged. I got r…raped…" he took a deep breath and dropped his gaze. "Can't eat. Can't fucking sleep. Can't fucking…fuck my…my partner…Goddammit," he put his face in his hands.

"Tony look at me," Cheryl said gently. "I know this is difficult." It took a few moments, but Tony finally raised his gaze again. "Let me remind you of something," Cheryl kept her tone even and soothing. "You were undercover Tony. If you had rejected the drink you would have blown your cover. If you had rejected the drink you would have been killed. Do you remember that?"

Tony's face crumbled and he started to drop his gaze, but Cheryl cupped his face gently. "Do you remember?" she asked softly.

Tears began flowing from Tony's eyes again and he let out a quiet sob and nodded.

"Good work Tony," Cheryl praised. "None of what happened to you was your fault. You are a survivor though. You are strong. You have made it this far and you are doing so well."

Tony blinked up at her, silent tears dripping from his eyes. Jethro thought his heart was going to break.

"Tony I'm going to have Gibbs help you up now. We need to get you out of the tub so we can see where you're bleeding. Can you tell me what happened?"

"Dirty," Tony whispered. He ran a hand over his arm and shrugged helplessly. "Tried to…tried to visualize it rinsing off…t-tried to…tried to wash, wash it off," he dropped his gaze. "I couldn't…couldn't get it off. It…it was stuck…stuck…I can't get it off…covering me…can't…can't get it off…can't b-breathe…can't—" he broke off, gasping for air as the inky blackness that only he could see threatened to cover his face. He lifted shaking hands to his face and began clawing wildly at his skin. The others in the bathroom noticed that Tony was beginning to shiver violently, but whether it was from cold, shock, or blood loss, no one could readily tell. Tony was in no shape to explain to them what he'd done—how he had used the razor in an effort to scrape off the inky, tar-like blackness that threatened to devour him.

Cheryl nodded at Gibbs to get Tony out of the tub. They needed to get him dry and somewhere warmer. They also needed to clean the blood off of him to see where the cuts were. There was so much blood it was difficult to tell...but Cheryl thought Tony's wounds looked more like he'd tried to cut his skin off rather than make slices. There were huge gashes on his arms, his thighs, his chest and stomach. There was one especially large, especially deep looking gash on Tony's hip.

Gibbs looked at Cheryl for only a moment before turning his gaze to Tony. He could feel his heart breaking for his partner. It was easy to see how my physical pain Tony was in, thanks to the damage he'd done to himself. But more than the physical pain, was the obvious emotional pain. It was there, in every fiber of Tony, and it radiated. In a flash, Gibbs recalled how confident Tony had been earlier. How excited he'd been to take his life back. Gibbs was determined to help Tony achieve that feeling again. He knew Tony had it in him to overcome this. But Gibbs also knew that his partner would need all the love, support, headslaps, and encouragement he could throw at him. He took a step forward.

"Come on Tony," Gibbs said gently. He struggled internally, wondering whether he should make his touch more clinical—the way he would handle someone in a case he was working—or if he should make it more loving, more compassionate. He decided on some of both. He hooked a hand lightly under the elbow closest to him, but ran a hand smoothly, gently over Tony's back in a loving caress. "I've got you. You're safe with me. You're always safe with me."

Tony stiffened when Gibbs touched him. Didn't the older man understand that if he touched Tony he'd get dirty too? That he'd ruin Gibbs? He couldn't stand that. Tony flinched when he felt Gibbs' fingers slide across his back. "Don't," he whispered.

Gibbs paused, glancing at Cheryl. "You're ok Tony," he said. He decided to take a chance. "You aren't going to make me dirty," he said, guessing some of Tony's fear. "You aren't going to hurt me. Let me help you, Babe."

Tony remained stiff and resistant for another moment before the fight left him. He closed his eyes and bowed his head, accepting that he was unable to stop Gibbs. Gibbs helped him slowly—very slowly—rise to his feet. Dizziness washed over him—a combination of everything happening—and he felt his knees buckle. He thought he might fall, but two strong arms kept him upright, holding him safely and keeping him from collapsing. "I've got you," Gibbs' voice whispered gently in his ear. "You're safe. C'mon we'll go slow, one step at a time."

With Gibbs' help, Tony stepped shakily out of the tub. They made it about two steps before Tony's knees buckled again. Tony bowed his head lower, silent tears dripping down his face, sobs shaking his frame. "I…I can't," he whispered. "I can't do it. Will…will you help me…please. I'm sorry. Know I'm weak," he mumbled.

Gibbs glanced at Cheryl. Cheryl was carefully watching their interaction, ready to spring into action if needed. "You aren't weak," Gibbs insisted. "Can I carry you? I'll keep you safe. We'll go right to the bed."

Tony let out a sigh and relented. Gibbs moved slowly so he wouldn't startle Tony with any unexpected moments. He carefully wrapped an arm around Tony's back and slipped one behind his knees. "Just lean on me Tony," he said. "You've been so brave. Now you need to rest. I've got you. You're safe." Tony leaned into him a bit more, shivering and shuddering uncontrollably. Gibbs brushed a kiss against Tony's hair. "I've got you."

Ducky glanced at Cheryl. "I'm going to phone for reinforcements. I need supplies to tend to him here, unless you would prefer we phone an ambulance?"

"I think we can help him here. He'll be more comfortable that way," Cheryl said. "He gets so worked up in the hospital…I think we can keep him calmer if we keep him here. At least for as long as we can."

Ducky nodded and pulled out his phone and hit a button to dial.

xxx

Abby was sitting in her apartment, surfing the web, checking out several resources that Priscilla had told her about. She was engrossed in the website she was looking at when her cell phone rang. She stared at it buzzing on the desk for a long moment, a hinky feeling washing over her. She snatched the phone up and looked at the caller ID. When she saw it was Ducky calling, the hinky feeling grew. She wondered why.

"Hello?"

"_Good afternoon Abigail,"_ Ducky said. _"Are you busy?"_

"Not so much," Abby said. She reached to the floor and grabbed her shoes—simple black converse sneakers—and started putting them on. "What's up Ducky?"

"_I need you to go to the local pharmacy for me. Do you have a piece of paper and a pen? I am going to give you a list."_

Abby listened and scribbled down notes while Ducky named off items. Surgical tape, antiseptic, rolled cause, padded bandages, bed pads…Abby blinked and stared at what she'd written. "Ducky? What's happened? Who is this stuff for?"

"_Abigail…I need you to think of this as something of a test. After you gather these things, I need you to bring them to Jethro's house."_

"Jethro…You want me to bring it to Gibbs' house? Did something happen to…oh no," Abby whispered. "Is Tony alright?"

"_My dear, this is an excellent opportunity for you to start down the journey you were telling me that you wanted to embark on. The road to fixing your relationship with Tony starts now. It would be better for now if you do not ask many questions. I will share what information I can as possible. Oh and one other thing, my dear. And I do apologize for all the subterfuge, but when you arrive here with the items I have requested, would you ring me and let me know and leave the packages on the porch?"_

Abby picked up her keys. She felt like she was filled to bursting with questions that wanted to explode from her, but then she recalled the women at the support group, and the things they had said to her about the boundaries that rape survivors set. Abby wasn't sure if Tony had set this boundary or if someone was setting it for him, but she decided that didn't really matter. She'd hold her questions for now. "Will…will you at least let me know later if he's doing ok? Or if I can do anything else to help?"

"_I will let you know if we need anything further. And I will update you as soon as I can."_

"Thank you Ducky," Abby said sincerely. "I really appreciate it. I'll bring the stuff right over for you."

"_That's a good girl. Thank you Abigail."_

Abby hung up the phone and raced out the door. Finally. Finally she could help her friends. She swore to herself and to her friendship with Tony that she would not mess it up.

xxx

Ducky hung up the phone and moved into the bedroom where Jethro and Cheryl were trying to get Tony to lie on the bed. Tony was groaning and struggling, crying softly, and pleading for them to stop, that they didn't understand, that it wasn't safe for him to be there. Cheryl was trying to speak to Tony but he didn't seem to be hearing her. Jethro's expression was a mixture of sympathy, fear, and frustration. The old ME stepped up to the side of the bed and glanced at the scene before him.

"My dears may I be of some assistance?"

At the sound of Ducky's voice, Tony stopped. Tears and sweat ran down his face—which was still covered in blood—and he looked pleadingly up at Ducky. "Duh-Ducky," he gasped. "Oh God Ducky help me…you…you gotta tell 'em…"

Ducky moved in beside Tony and sat down on the edge of the bed next to him. He took one of Tony's hands in his own and patted it reassuringly—trying to avoid the areas where the skin was missing. He was certain that Abby would have the supplies there in short order. "Anthony," he spoke softly. "Can you hear me?"

Tony seemed to be listening, but he was still horribly upset. "Ducky," he whispered. "T-tell 'em…please…please tell 'em…"

Ducky leaned in a bit to hear easier. Tony was speaking very, very softly. "What is it you need for me to tell them?"

"T-tell 'em…not…not safe here…It's not safe…me to be here…"

"Lad can you tell me why it isn't safe for you to be here?"

"Gonna…oh God," tears streamed from Tony's eyes and he stared at the ceiling. "Gonna hurt him…please…he doesn't understand…w-won't l-listen…"

"Who are you going to hurt Anthony?" Ducky pressed gently.

"Guh-Gibbs," Tony breathed. "Gonna hurt him…make him sick…he…it…'s not safe f'me to be here…"

Ducky patted Tony's hand again and rested his other hand on Tony's chest, inconspicuously feeling the heartbeat pounding away underneath the skin. "Listen to me Tony," he directed. "You've been tested for illnesses. The test results were all negative. You aren't sick, dear boy. You aren't going to hurt Jethro." Gibbs' eyes widened at his partner's words. He couldn't believe that all of Tony's grief and concern was out of fear for keeping him safe.

"Buh…But th'black…th'tar…it…it'll smother him…smothering me…can't breathe! DUCKY! I CAN'T BREATHE!"

Without another word, Ducky slid an arm under Tony's shoulders and pushed him up on the bed so he was sitting. Tony jerked and flinched away. "Just focus on your breathing. You are going to be alright. Now, you are quite cut up," Ducky said gently. "I have phoned a friend of ours, and they are going to bring us some supplies to help you to feel better."

"Don't…don't wan'…'nybody…know…"

"I have not spoken to anyone about why I need the supplies. I only told them what I required, and let them know where to bring it. We have to get you patched up. It appears that most of your injuries are relatively superficial, but they should still be covered so you can avoid infection."

xxx

While Tony and Ducky were talking silently, Cheryl stole a glance up at Gibbs and her eyes widened at what she saw. He was standing at the foot of the bed, his eyes were staring intently at Tony, his jaw set tight, his hands clenched in tight fists. He looked ready to fly apart at any moment. She took a step closer and, making sure she was in his line of sight, raised a hand and rested it on his arm. She was not surprised when he jerked away as though he'd been burned.

"Gibbs. Gibbs look at me. Come here," she guided him several feet from the bed. She made sure to keep him in the room so that he could see Tony because he obviously needed that. Gently she pushed him against the wall. "You look like a gentle breeze could blow you down Gibbs," she commented. "You with me?"

Gibbs blinked and looked at her. "Yeah," he said, his voice hoarse. "I'm with ya."

"Good," Cheryl said. "I need you to focus for just a minute. Look at me." Gibbs met her gaze. Cheryl took a step forward and put her hands on his shoulders. "This is not your fault either," she said bluntly. Gibbs blinked. "You have done nothing wrong here Gibbs."

"I did everything wrong," Gibbs protested, keeping his voice low so he wouldn't disturb Tony and Ducky. "Everything I've done is wrong!"

"No, everything you've done is RIGHT," Cheryl insisted.

"How do you figure that?" Gibbs snarled raggedly. "Look at him!" he pointed at his partner. "Just…look…look at him."

Cheryl squeezed Gibbs' shoulders. "I am looking at you. Right now you need to take some deep breaths. Tony's ok. He's fine."

"He is not. fine," Gibbs grumbled, still trying to look at Tony. "He tried…tried to…and I was just sitting out here…"

"He is fine," Cheryl insisted. "Gibbs he did not try to kill himself! The cuts he made—that was him trying to get the black tar off of him. I promise you he wasn't trying to kill himself. And you were doing exactly what you should have been doing. He asked for space. You respected his wishes. You gave him the space he asked for."

"And he nearly killed himself!" Gibbs was still trying to keep his voice under control so he wouldn't upset Tony further.

"He didn't," Cheryl said gently but firmly, her tone leaving no room for argument. "I promise you. The cuts are mostly superficial scrapes. They just look scary because there is so much blood. I swear he's alright. Ducky has someone bringing first aid supplies so he can get him all patched up. It is likely that there won't even be any extremely visible scars."

Before Gibbs could answer, they all heard Ducky's cell phone begin to ring.

"Hello," he answered amiably. He listened for a moment then spoke. "Very good. I will come down." Ducky was silent for another moment. "No I think we have everything we need if you got everything on the list. Thank you my dear." Ducky hung up the phone and looked at everyone in the room. "Our supplies have arrived," he said softly. "I am going to dart right down stairs and retrieve them." He glanced at Tony. "Anthony no one is visiting alright? And no one knows the nature of your incident except those of us in this room. Do try and relax."

Tony took a deep breath and nodded. "I'll try," he murmured faintly.

"Good lad," Ducky said. "We are going to get you through this. We are going to help you. Just rest. It will all be alright."

Tony watched as Ducky crossed the room. A nod from Cheryl had Gibbs moving and he took up the place where Ducky had been seated only moments earlier. Tony didn't want to hurt Gibbs…didn't want to make him sick…but he knew that what Ducky said made sense. He _had_ been tested—twice now—and was free of illnesses and diseases. Clinging to that blessed assurance, Tony looked meekly up at Gibbs. Gibbs took Tony's hand carefully in his own and intertwined their fingers together. "I'm right here," Gibbs whispered. "And I'm safe. And you're safe. We're gonna get you all patched up and feeling better alright?"

Tony nodded. He was exhausted and ashamed and embarrassed at his behavior today. And yet…and yet they were still with him…no one had left him. They hadn't abandoned him. He clung a bit tighter to Jethro's hand. "S-stay?" he whispered tiredly.

Jethro squeezed Tony's hand in return, before lifting Tony's hand and pressing his lips to Tony's palm in a soft kiss. He wanted to do more, wanted to kiss him harder and longer, but was not willing to risk upsetting him again. "Always, Love," he whispered. "Always."

TBC…


	35. Back To The Beginning

_**Special thanks to my dear friend who is sharing her experience with me to help me write this story. You are SO brave. *big hugs***_

**Spoiler Alert:** _Minor Spoilers for 1.02 Hung Out To Dry, 1.20 Missing, and 8.22 Baltimore._

**No Chains Holding Me  
><strong>**Chapter 35: Back to the Beginning**

Ducky locked the door securely behind him and headed back up the stairs. As he approached the master bedroom, he could hear the sounds of people speaking, though he couldn't make out the words yet. Stepping inside the room, the old man's heart broke when he saw his friend on the bed, tears streaming down his face, bloody hands batting weakly at the two people who cared so much for him, trying to soothe him.

Cheryl looked up and the relief was evident in her face when she saw the packages that the old ME had in his hands. "Oh good," she said. "Tony," she turned her attention back to the young man lying on the bed. "Tony Ducky is going to start bandaging you up alright? You shouldn't need any stitches. Gibbs is here, and I'm here and we're going to stay right with you alright? You're safe ok?"

"Let's get him up first. I'd rather be able to leave him down once he's down," Ducky said. "But I do want to put the padding under him to catch any blood that may seep."

Gibbs immediately set about helping Tony up. They would need to help him dress eventually, but the way his legs were cut—the skin literally sliced off in places—they would need bandages before they could dress him. Tony leaned heavily on him once he was on his feet, his head thunking tiredly onto Jethro's shoulder. "I've got you," Gibbs said softly, glad to just be able to do something, anything, to help him. "Just lean on me. You're ok. Gonna be ok." He noticed that Tony's skin was cool, despite the pinkness from the hot water in the shower. He felt slightly clammy. "Duck," he said softly. When Ducky looked up from the bags on the end of the bed, Gibbs continued. "He's cold…doesn't feel right."

Ducky quickly dropped what he was doing, noticing out of the corner of his eye that Cheryl picked up the pack of bandage pads for the bed, and resumed opening them as he was doing. The doctor moved to Tony's side and gazed carefully at the young man. "Tony? Dear boy can you hear me?" he spoke softly.

Tony stared back at him, his eyes glassy and slightly unfocussed. "He's in shock," Ducky said. "Understandable with all of these cuts he has."

"Thought you said they weren't deep," Gibbs all but growled.

"Jethro they are not deep. I did not misspeak when I told you that," Ducky said patiently, aware that the team leader was like a bear with a sore paw when one of his own was injured—but especially when it was Tony. "However, we have nerve endings that run just below the surface of the skin—the slightest nick of those nerve endings can cause immense pain. Think of the sting of a paper cut or a hangnail. If you've ever cut yourself shaving you will understand. And he has…" Ducky glanced over Tony's body, "quite a few injured places. It's not surprising that he is becoming shocky. We will work swiftly to get him bandaged, and then we will work together to get him dressed, and then we will let him rest. While he rests I will give you further instructions for his care."

Gibbs blinked and nodded, trying to take in everything that was being thrown at them. Christ, for a peaceful Sunday the day had surely gone to hell. He held Tony a little tighter, but relaxed a bit when Tony whimpered slightly.

"How the hell…Ducky how'd he do this?"

"With the disposable razor in the shower Gibbs," Cheryl answered gently. "He told me he was trying to get the inky tar off of his skin. He didn't mean to do this." She'd told him all of this before but he wasn't in a place to hear it then. Now he appeared to be listening and actually hearing the words a little bit more. "He's not suicidal Gibbs. He's not. He didn't mean to hurt himself."

Gibbs looked at her, and for maybe the first time since they'd met, she saw real fear in his eyes. "Are you sure?" he asked quietly.

Cheryl nodded firmly. She needed to make sure Gibbs understood this. "I am positive," she said firmly. She opened one of the bed pads and laid it out on the bed on top of the towels where Tony had been lying.

It took a couple of minutes, and during that time Tony seemed to be leaning heavier and heavier on Gibbs, giving the older man more and more of his weight. "You with me Tony?" he asked.

Tony let out a soft sound, but didn't speak and didn't move. Ducky frowned a bit and his eyes narrowed. He moved in a bit closer to Tony. "Anthony. Tell me how you're feeling please."

"'m tired," he said huskily. His eyelids were heavy, but he seemed almost scared of closing them. He clung slightly tighter to Gibbs.

"Let's have you lie down so you can rest a bit," Ducky suggested, though his tone brooded no argument. Gibbs helped Tony move to lie back down. Thankfully he'd only cut on one arm and one hip—he could lie mostly on one side or on his back. Gibbs moved to the other side of the bed, out of Ducky and Cheryl's way. Tony seemed unsettled though, as he lay there alone, and Gibbs ached to help him.

"Would…would it be ok…if I laid down with him? I… I won't hurt him."

Cheryl looked up at Gibbs and moved around the bed where he was standing. She got right in his face and spoke softly. "You have not hurt him at all. You know that right?"

"I don't know anything," Gibbs said softly, ashamed of his weakness. "All I know is we went from the best not-having-sex-sex ever to this. And…And I'm not sure how that happened."

"It's alright Gibbs," Cheryl said gently. "We'll make it right. It's going to take some time though. Are you alright?"

"I'm ok," Gibbs said. "I just…am worried about Tony."

"Jethro you look a bit like a stiff wind would knock you down. Why don't you have a seat? Or better yet, lie down."

"I don't wanna scare him," Gibbs said. "Already scared him."

"He's more afraid of hurting you than he is afraid of you Gibbs. You aren't going to scare him if you lie down beside him. In fact," Cheryl said, watching as Tony struggled to get off the bed, "I think it might help to keep him calm."

Gibbs hesitated for a moment, then nodded and stretched out on the bed next to Tony. "Hey Sweetheart," he murmured softly. Much to his surprise, Tony stilled at his words. Ducky and Cheryl shared a look and then Ducky nodded at Jethro to keep talking to him. The doctor quickly broke into a pack of rolled gauze and the tube of antiseptic cream that Abby had brought. Gibbs watched Tony for a long moment, watching as Ducky began cleaning the cut on his hip—the deepest one—likely the one that caused him to make noise to alert Cheryl—and he lifted a hand to Tony's face. He lightly brushed the backs of his fingers over Tony's perfect cheekbone, before running his fingers lightly over the hair at Tony's temple.

Tony blinked and stared at him for a moment, his eyes belying the pain he was in from Ducky's gentle ministrations. He hissed when it stung badly, and a grimace split his face. "Why…" he whispered.

Gibbs maintained the gentle touch since Tony hadn't objected to it. He still seemed mostly calm. "Why what Tony?" he asked softly.

"Why…still here?"

Gibbs pressed his eyes closed for a moment, thinking of the best way to answer. "Not gonna leave you," he murmured, continuing his gentle touches over Tony's hair and face. "You're mine and I protect mine and I'll never leave you."

Tony shook his head and a frown creased his features. "Should…should be gone," he whispered sadly. "'m a fuckup…Deserve better."

"You're exactly who I want and who I deserve," Gibbs said with a smile. "I love you. Love you so much."

"Why are you so good to me?" Tony whispered. "So patient…should be mad…"

"Why do you think I should be angry?" Gibbs looked right into Tony's eyes and kept his voice soft.

"I…'cause I…I screwed it up," Tony breathed a shaky breath out and tears filled his eyes. "Was so good…and I ruined it…'m stupid…and weak…and dumb…such a fuckup…so worthless."

Cheryl's eyes narrowed a bit at the adjectives she heard Tony using to describe himself with. Before she could comment, Gibbs responded. "Don't let the things your father said to you be your truth Tony," he said softly, his gentle movements and touches never slowing or stopping. "You are so much more…so much better than he could ever see, than he ever let you see in yourself…you didn't screw anything up. And we'll figure it out together. I don't think you're dumb or stupid or a fuckup, and you're the most priceless thing in my world. You are precious to me Tony. Don't let your father win. Don't let Jeffrey and Lane win. It's just us here. You're safe. They can't hurt you here."

Tony didn't respond right away. He seemed to let Jethro's words sink in and then, once they made their mark, tears began silently sliding from his eyes. Cheryl wanted to jump in and ask Tony lots of questions about his relationship with his father and what had conspired to lead to this moment and the reaction Tony'd had. Obviously there were issues from the past. A glance at Gibbs though, told her to leave it alone and not go there.

"I can't tell you how important you are to me Tony. And you know I'm not good with words," Gibbs chuckled sheepishly at himself. "We've relied on our bodies to do a lot of our talking for us," he continued. "I know you hate talking as much as I do." A faint smile tugged at one corner of Tony's mouth at this. "But I think I need to figure out how to say it now. I need to tell you that you are irreplaceable. There is not another soul on the planet who can make me as happy or make me feel as loved as you do. And I want to do everything I can to make sure that you are happy and feeling loved by me as well. And you are so strong and so brave. You aren't alone though. Never alone. We're doing this together. We'll always do it together."

The tears continued and Gibbs took a chance, moving a bit closer to Tony, his fingers running lightly down the back of his neck before cupping his neck in a reassuring embrace. While Gibbs held Tony's attention, Ducky finished bandaging Tony's hip. "There we are," Ducky said after a moment. He'd finished bandaging Tony's legs by this point as well. He tore open another pack of bandage and glanced at Jethro. "I need him to roll onto his back," he said. "I need to bandage his torso."

Gibbs watched as Ducky tenderly and gently attended to Tony's injuries. There were several long, shallow scrapes on his stomach and chest, and he hissed when Ducky applied the antiseptic to the shorn areas to clear them of any infection. "Razor blades can be particularly nasty instruments for injury," Ducky said softly, just as if he were speaking to one of his 'guests.' "Because they stay in the bathroom, and quite often in the shower, they are a breeding ground for bacteria to grow—especially as soap residue and moisture cling to the metal on the blade." Tony groaned when the pain intensified and Gibbs quietly shushed him, fingers still lightly touching his forehead and hair. The older man watched the Doctor as he continued tending to his younger lover for several moments. Finally he was ready to wrap Tony's chest, having applied some thick antiseptic and analgesic cream to the abraded areas.

"We need to sit him up a bit so I can wrap his chest. Anthony? Dear boy can you sit up for a moment?"

Tony groaned. His eyes were pressed tightly closed, only fluttering slightly at Ducky's words.

"I can help him," Gibbs said quietly. Then he spoke to his partner. "Tony? Babe I'm gonna help you sit up alright? I know it hurts, but Ducky's gotta get you all bandaged up. You're safe though. We're just trying to help you feel better. It's all gonna be alright. You relax and I'll do all the work ok?"

Tony cracked his eyes open and looked up at Gibbs. His face was pale and his lips were in a thin line, but he nodded once, tightly. "T…trusssst…youuuu…" he murmured softly. He felt a strong arm slide underneath his shoulders then, and another hand hooked firmly around his wrist. He was slowly guided into a sitting position and waves of dizziness washed over him at the change in position. He groaned softly and raised a hand to his head. The hands held him securely though, and he found he couldn't move much. Something was touching his chest…around to his back…the hands were all over him now, and whatever it was they were doing to him was getting tighter and tighter and Tony found that his movement was becoming more and more restricted…he couldn't move…they were going to hurt him again…he couldn't breathe…they were smothering him. Their weight on top of him forced the air slowly from his lungs…he was dying…the pain was overwhelming…he couldn't think…he couldn't speak…he could only…

Tony gasped suddenly, heaving in a deep breath and in the same moment his body began trembling violently. "Stop," he finally breathed. "Stop-stop-stop-stop-stop…..please God make it stop please stop please please-please-please…" he heaved in another deep breath and gagged.

"Hang on Duck," Gibbs said softly and Ducky paused. "Let Tony have a minute to catch up. He's panicking."

Cheryl moved in closer beside Ducky, even as Gibbs stayed on his other side. Cheryl reached out and gently took hold of one of Tony's hands. She was not surprised that he immediately started to squeeze the hand, but was shocked at the power within the squeeze. "Ok Tony, easy. Relax Tony. Take a deep breath. Slowly in…now out…"

Gibbs put Tony's hand on his chest so he could feel Gibbs breathing—just as they'd done in the hospital. Tony tried to move his arms then, and his eyes widened suddenly when he realized that both of his hands were being held…just like that night…he tugged slightly, trying to pull away and Cheryl let go.. Gibbs looked at her questioningly and she smiled. "He needs some control over his mobility," she said. "You're fine to hold his hand unless he says not to, but I didn't want both of his hands to be restrained that way," she said. "Tony," she turned her attention back to Tony who was still gasping. "Can you hear me Tony?"

Tony felt like he'd fallen down the rabbit hole. He could hear someone speaking…someone he knew he trusted…but he could only just barely make out the words…could only just barely understand what they meant. There were things that gave him slight indications that he might be safe, but he still felt smothered and suffocating…it was all too big, too much. He closed his eyes, not sure how to shut everything out, turn everything off, make it all stop. He needed it to stop. Finally, finally everything started to recede. Now he could have some peace and quiet…he could just drift…

Gibbs' gut clenched when he saw Tony's eyes drop shut suddenly. "We're losing him," Cheryl snapped. She cupped his face gently in her hands and continued speaking to him in calm tones, her hands lightly touching his face now, trying to draw him back in. "Tony! Tony snap out of it," Cheryl called gently, but with iron in her voice. She patted his face, hoping to encourage him to come back to awareness.

The next few minutes showed no change in Tony. Cheryl just couldn't get him to respond. Ducky went ahead and finished wrapping Tony's chest to finish the bandaging and then moved back a bit. He was still close enough to be helpful if he was needed, but he thought it wise to let Cheryl work in her area of expertise as she had been so respectful to allow him to do the same.

"I can't get him to respond," Cheryl reported.

Gibbs was next to Tony, fingers still carding lightly through Tony's hair, brushing over his pale, sweaty cheek. "Can I try?" he asked softly, without changing his movements. His eyes never left Tony's quiet face. The younger man looked peaceful. There were lines of stress around his eyes and his mouth, but overall he seemed to be mostly at peace.

"Yes," Cheryl said. "I'll move back and give you two some space."

"Don't leave," Gibbs said. He looked up at her, and she could see the fear in his eyes. "Please," he said softly. "Please stay."

"We'll stay," Cheryl said, glancing at Ducky, who nodded. "We're both right here. We're here for you."

Gibbs smiled sadly and nodded his thanks. Then he turned his gaze back to Tony. "You know Tony," he said conversationally, just as though they were going for a sandwich at the deli. "I am not sure I ever told you about that moment."

"Which moment?" Cheryl couldn't help herself; the shrink in her had to ask the obvious questions.

"The moment when I fell in love with you, Tony," Gibbs answered Cheryl's question without taking his gaze off of Tony. "Do you want to hear about it?"

Tony didn't magically wake up, he didn't verbally respond, he didn't even quirk an eyebrow at Gibbs' words. But something seemed to settle over the younger man. A calmness that hadn't been there before settled over him, and Gibbs relaxed just a bit. Maybe this could work. Maybe he could talk to Tony and help him find his way back.

Gibbs took a deep breath. He wasn't too keen on the idea of sharing all of their business with the others, but he needed them close by in case Tony needed them. They were trying to avoid the hospital, and their closeness was the trade-off. He took a deep breath, kept his fingers carding through Tony's hair at a steady rhythm, and a few moments later, began to speak softly, his low pitched baritone drifted through the room like a leaf in the air.

"You'd been working for me for a while…truth be told…" he let out a long breath. This was harder than he'd thought it would be. "Truth be told I'd been attracted to you…since the moment you tackled me and dragged me back to the Baltimore Precinct where you spent the afternoon makin' fun of my name." Gibbs chuckled at the memory. "I wanted you…wanted you to come to my team, wanted you to come to my city…annnd I wanted you to come to my bed…I just didn't know how to make any of that happen. But I managed. And you worked for me and learned under me, and became my Senior Field Agent…and you're a genius in the field and…and a brilliant investigator. But it wasn't…it wasn't until…" he let out another long breath. "Dafelmair…the damn case where they knocked you out of the back of the C-130…I knew in that moment—that moment of all the moments we'd been together—that was the moment I knew that I cared about you…as more than a fellow agent. When they knocked you out of that plane…God for a moment, it was the same heart…twisting…wrenching…my God I wanted to throw up…something about it felt just like it did when Shannon died…this…tightening of my insides…and then we found you, and you were hoppin' around and cussin' your parachute—thank goodness you'd been screwing around in the hangar learning how to jump—and I…I knew right then…that was when I knew I needed to take the relationship to the next level…or at least see if you were interested."

Gibbs paused for a moment and watched Tony carefully. He still hadn't moved, but he looked (at least to Gibbs) like he was listening. Gibbs felt certain that Tony could hear him. So he took a deep breath, sucked it up, and decided to keep talking. "I was so nervous to ask you out," he said, his voice nearly a whisper. "I mean…we were partners on the job…I was breaking my own rule to even think of asking you out…and Kate was pretty new to us then…I was convinced I was going to screw everything up…and yet…and yet you seemed worth it." He took a deep breath and leaned over, brushing his lips just barely against the shell of Tony's ear. "You were worth it. You are worth it. Every single minute of every single day you are worth it."

He picked up Tony's hand with his other hand and began studying his fingertips. "The moment I first knew I loved you though…was when I thought I'd lost you…I thought…I thought we'd be too late finding you in the sewers after you were taken by that waitress…I thought…but you were fine when we found you. Little worse for wear, little tired and still working those drugs outta your system, but you were up and walking and talking and staging your own rescue…and all I wanted to do was take you home, and wash you clean in the shower, and kiss away everything that hurt you, everything that worried you…and I wanted you to stay with me…and I wanted to be with you and love you forever…I still want that. And you…you told me you wanted it, too…and as ridiculous as it seemed, you covered in sewage and me growling and snarling like a bear with a chapped ass…God I just couldn't get enough of you."

Gibbs smiled sadly down at Tony. "You're so brave," he murmured. "The strongest person I've ever met…most people would have been brought completely to their knees after what you've been through…but you…you're still fighting…you're still in there Tony. You're strong and you're brave, and I've got your six. We won't fail if we work together. We can be safe, if we stay together. I've got your six, Sweetheart," Gibbs lifted Tony's fingers to his lips and he pressed a gentle kiss there. "I've got your six. Come back to me Tony. Come on back now. Let me help you. I know it's hard. We'll do it together."

Cheryl and Ducky were seated at the foot of the bed. They'd been watching the interaction between the two men intently, trying not to eavesdrop too much, but were unable to miss most of the one-sided conversation. Their eyes each widened in surprise when Tony suddenly responded to Gibbs. The young man yawned and rolled his head towards Gibbs, so close to him that it nearly rested on his partner's shoulder. "Knew you'd…fin'…me…all…alllllllllways f-find…find me," he mumbled. It sounded nearly incoherent, but it was enough for Gibbs. The older man smiled when Tony suddenly squeezed his hand briefly, sending Gibbs the message that his words had been heard, and that he reciprocated those same feelings. As quickly as the movement started though, it suddenly stilled, and Gibbs smiled, watching as the worry lines around Tony's face eased away into a peaceful mask of sleep, his face unwrinkled and unblemished by the events of the afternoon. He knew he was safe, knew he was cared for…"Love you," he whispered softly as he dropped off to sleep completely.

Gibbs snuggled in as close as he dared and pressed a kiss to Tony's temple. "I love you too Sweetheart," he murmured back.

Once he was sure Tony was sleeping soundly, Gibbs sat up and rubbed a hand over his hair. Cheryl was sitting at the end of the bed and she smiled at him. "I think you don't need me as much as you think you do," she said, shaking her head. Wisps of silver hair fell down around her face and she patiently brushed them away. "You were brilliant with him. You know him so well and you're so supportive and that really helps him."

"I just…I just love him," Gibbs said softly. "I'll do anything for him. Speaking of which…" he looked at the two doctors in their bedroom. "This morning…Tony told me he wants to go back to work tomorrow."

"Oh my dear man he won't be able to return to NCIS tomorrow! Not with all of the wounds he has. He'll need to wait a couple of days at the very least. And that, of course, will be dependent on his…emotional state when he wakes up."

"Gibbs," Cheryl cut in gently. "Do you think he's ready to go back to work?"

Gibbs thought about it for a moment. "As Tony's lover? No. I don't think he's ready at all. We deal with so much death and loss and gore…it makes me sad to think he'd even want to expose himself to that so soon. As Tony's boss? I think he'll be more settled and will be able to focus more clearly on his recovery, if he feels like he is actually making progress. Tony is a man of action. You know that Ducky. He hates to sit idly by—it bugs him. But…if we can find some way for him to return to even some of his duties some of the time, I think that would be helpful for him."

"I see what you mean, Jethro," Ducky said, nodding his head. "However I do not think that Tony is ready to go traipsing around crime scenes and seeing intimate photographs of victims of violent crimes…there is a horrific side of our jobs that I just do not think Tony is ready to face yet. But I do agree that giving him something would aid in his recovery."

"I'd like to call the Director and get him in on the discussion," Gibbs said.

Cheryl and Ducky nodded, both agreeing that it sounded like a good idea. Gibbs called up Morrow and told him that he would prefer to work from home for the next couple of days because of what had happened with Tony this afternoon. Director Morrow readily agreed to this, stating that it would make sense for Gibbs to be there to support Tony. Gibbs asked Morrow if he could get them a box of cold cases—preferably more non-violent cases—so that Gibbs could start Tony on some cold cases at home, let him work at his own pace, see how he does with the information influx and that way, if it became too much, if it was too stressful, or if the content of some of the case work was upsetting to him, then Tony would be able to exercise those emotions freely and without worry about what the other agents in the bullpen might think if they witnessed it.

Morrow said he'd see what he could do and would bring something by for them tomorrow. Gibbs thanked him and got off the phone. He glanced at Tony, who was still sleeping soundly, and frowned slightly. "How long will he sleep?" he asked softly.

"Might be an hour, might be twelve hours," Cheryl said gently. "He's had quite an emotional upheaval today. It's hard to say how long he will sleep."

Gibbs settled down on the bed, with his back against the headboard and picked up the book he was reading. "Then I guess I'll get comfortable here," he stated, making it plain to everyone that he wouldn't be leaving Tony's side.

xxx

Abby drove like a mad-woman through the streets heading…somewhere. She wasn't sure where. Frantic with worry for her friend, she was barely resisting the urge to pick up the phone and dial Ducky. Or Gibbs. Hell, even Tony. She was so worried for her friend…she didn't know if he was alright, if he was alive, if he was in the hospital…she didn't know. But she remembered Ducky's words. His promise that he would call and update her on Tony's condition as soon as he could, and for her to respect that in the mean time. Abby stopped at a traffic light and fingered the buttons on her phone. She recalled the voice of the support group moderator in her head as she debated whether to make the call to Gibbs or not. _"You have to find a way to respect the boundaries your friend sets."_

Making her decision, Abby punched in the numbers and dialed the phone.

"_Hello?"_ The soft, lilting voice of the support group moderator spoke into Abby's ear.

"Hi Priscilla. It's Abby. I know you told me I could call you, and I know that it was just earlier today that I saw you all in the group but I…"

"_Abby it's completely fine that you called. That's why I gave you my number. What's happened? Are you alright?"_

"I'm ok…I just…I got a call this afternoon from a friend of ours who's a doctor…and he needed me to go get some supplies for him…He was taking care of To—my friend, and it sounds like he's hurt himself or somehow gotten hurt really bad and looking at the list of the things that I needed to go buy…I just am worried and my doctor friend told me that he'd call me after he got done patching up my other friend and…and it wasn't that long ago that I dropped off the stuff, but I am really worried, and I want to call and check on him, but I promised I wouldn't and I'm trying to do what you told me to about listening to the boundaries and respecting the ones that get set for me, but it's really hard and I'm freaking out and I needed to talk to someone and I didn't know who else to call…"

"You're doing just fine Abby. Tell you what. Let's meet for an early dinner. That way we can talk about ways to help you stay calm in situations like this, and if you get the call from your friend then you won't be alone. Sound ok?"

"Where should we meet?" Abby was nearly breathless with relief. She was so scared! She didn't even know why Ducky had called _her. _ Didn't he know she'd freak out? Didn't he understand how difficult this was for her?

Priscilla named off a restaurant that wasn't far from where Abby was. "I can be there in just a few minutes," Abby said.

"Fantastic," Priscilla said. "You're doing great Abby. Just keep resisting that urge to call and I will see you shortly. Your friend told you he'd call you. Now you have to trust him to keep his word. He'll call you as soon as he's able."

"Ok," Abby said softly. "Thank you. See you soon." She hung up the phone and pointed the car towards the restaurant.

xxx

Ducky glanced at Tony who was still sleeping and moved to his side to check him a bit closer. The young man hadn't moved in a while. Once he'd settled, he seemed to be down for the count and Tony appeared to be resting peacefully. "I need to call Abby," he said softly, almost to himself.

Gibbs bristled. "Why?"

Ducky met Jethro's growl head on. "She's the one who brought the supplies I needed to tend to Tony," he said evenly. "She was quite concerned and I told her I would call her with an update soon. I won't disparage Tony's privacy though, if that is what you are worried about. She's trying Jethro. She wants to do better by Tony than she has been doing. She's really trying to understand and think more of Tony and less of herself. I'm supporting her through this. I would like it if you could do the same."

"What's she doing to be supportive Duck? Sure she's not blowing up the phone every five minutes but—"

"She was calling because she was concerned. She didn't understand the damage she was doing, but I think she does now. She's joined a support group for rape victims and their friends and families Jethro. She's joined it so that she can learn how to be better for Tony. She doesn't want to lose either of your friendships and she feels that she can make the changes necessary to do better."

Gibbs stopped, completely blown away by what Ducky was saying. He had no idea Abby was going to such lengths to try and learn so she could be more helpful. "I…I didn't know," Gibbs said.

"I know you didn't Jethro. That's why I wanted to tell you. I wouldn't push for a visit between Tony and Abby just yet, but Abby is working to be more supportive. She's trying Jethro." Ducky pulled out his phone and dialed Abby's number.

xxx

Abby and Priscilla had just gotten their salads when Abby's phone rang. She pulled it out and glanced at it, then at Priscilla. "Is it your friend Abby?" she asked softly. Abby nodded. "Go on and answer it. You're going to be ok. I'm right here."

"H-Hello?"

"_Good afternoon Abigail,"_ Ducky said. _"I wanted to call you with an update on Tony. Is this a bad time?"_

"N-no of course not," Abby said softly. She could already feel tears beginning to brim around her eyes. She didn't want to know what had happened to Tony, in case it was bad, but she couldn't _not_ find out either—she needed to know.

"_I wanted to let you know that Tony is going to be just fine. Your assistance was critical and you got him exactly the things that he needed. His wounds are superficial and there should only be minimal scarring. He's going to be alright. Jethro is with him and he's resting now."_

"Ducky…what…what kind of wounds are they?"

"_They are…well…I really can't say Abby. Not without infringing on Tony's privacy." _

Abby heard another voice speak softly in the background and her eyes widened. Suddenly Gibbs was on the phone. _"Abs? It's Gibbs."_

"Hi Gibbs," Abby whispered.

"_Listen Abby…Ducky uh…he told me what all you're doing. How you joined that group and all and how you went today to get the supplies for Tony."_

"Yeah," Abby said softly, and her gaze dropped to her lap. She wasn't sure if she was going to get a tongue lashing or a praise.

"_Abby…have you uh…in the support group…have you heard anyone talk about being covered in some kinda black tar-like stuff?"_

"I heard one lady mention it today. It's sticky and gooey and she said you can't get it off. Why? What's that got to do with anything? Is Tony seeing that stuff?"

"_Yeah Abs,"_ Gibbs' voice was quiet. _"His injuries today…he was trying to get the stuff off."_

"Is he alright Gibbs?"

"_He's ok. Gonna be sore as shit and needs lots of rest, just because he wore himself out. But he's ok Abs. He's home and he's safe. I'm here with him and so is Ducky, and so is his counselor. We've got his six. And I heard you helped us out today. You brought us the supplies?"_

"Yes," Abby responded.

"_You saved him a trip to the hospital Abs. I don't know how to thank you for that. You really…really saved us today. I appreciate your help. And I appreciate all you're doing to try and…and understand better. It's not an easy thing."_

"No it isn't," Abby agreed.

"_I'll come by and see you in the lab this week. I owe you a caff pow. Maybe two or three," he chuckled nervously in her ear._

"You don't owe me anything Gibbs," Abby said sheepishly. "Oh, hey, Gibbs?"

"_Yeah?"_

"Would it be…I mean I don't wanna upset him or anything…but do you think it'd be ok if I sent Tony an email? I just want him to know I'm thinkin' about him and I miss him. I'll really try not to…not to sound like I've been sounding," Abby said.

"_I think he'd like that,"_ Gibbs said_. "I'll tell him to look for a message from you ok?"_

"Is he really ok Gibbs?"

"_He's really going to be ok Abby,"_ Gibbs said. _"We aren't going to let him turn out any other way. We've got his six. We'll get him through this."_

"Do you promise?"

"_I promise. I'm gonna go."_

"Ok," Abby said. "Thanks Gibbs."

"_You're welcome Gibblet,"_ he said affectionately. A click in her ear told her it was the end of the conversation.

Abby closed her phone and looked at it for a moment, before setting it down next to her plate and picking up her fork.

"Is your friend alright Abby?"

"He's going to be," Abby said. "He didn't hurt himself too bad. His…his partner said he thinks he'll be fine."

"Good," Priscilla said with a smile. She picked up her glass and held it up in a toast. "To the good health of all of our friends."

Abby picked up her own glass and clinked it against her new friend's. "Here here!"

TBC…


	36. Reevaluating

_Thanks as always to my friend for your help with this story!_

**No Chains Holding Me  
><strong>**Chapter 36: Reevaluating**

Gibbs pursed his lips together in concern that evening when Tony didn't immediately wake up. Cheryl and Ducky both departed, reminding Gibbs repeatedly that they were only a phone call away if he needed their assistance. For now, Gibbs was grateful for the solitude. He thought back over the events of the day…of how happy Tony was that morning when he woke up…how excited he was to be taking his life back…and now…not even twelve hours later, it was all seemingly undone. He paced through the house, hands clasped behind his neck, fidgeting nervously with whatever object he found himself holding, glancing at the stairs, glancing at Tony sleeping in the bed when he passed by, glancing out the windows…long story short: Gibbs was restless.

He resumed his seat on the bed, reading a military history novel by lamplight until the late hours of the night. Just when he was about to turn out the light and call it a day though, a noise from beside him drew his attention. Tony shuffled a bit and his eyebrows furrowed. He moaned softly in pain and squinted his eyes open just a bit in the dimly lit room.

Gibbs set the book down on the nightstand and turned his attention to his partner. "Hey," he said gently. "How you feeling?" He got up and moved around the bed to Tony's side.

Tony blinked a couple of times and stared at Gibbs silently for a long moment. "Happened?" he finally murmured. "Time is it?"

"It's just about twenty-three hundred hours," Gibbs told him, purposefully ignoring the first question. "You've been asleep for about nine hours. You hungry?"

"Kinda," Tony said. His voice was rough with sleep. He moved to push himself up and stopped. "Shit," he breathed. "What th'hell did I do?"

"C'mon Tony," Gibbs said, helping him to his feet. "Let's go find ya something to eat. Can ya make it down the steps?"

"Think so," Tony said. "Gotta pee," he stumbled toward the bathroom. Gibbs nodded, then turned and made sure he had his phone in his pocket.

About two seconds after Tony shut the bathroom door, Gibbs realized what was going to happen. He was already moving towards the bathroom when he heard the surprised sound coming from Tony. Gibbs didn't stop, just opened the door and stopped in the doorway, watching his partner. Tony was carefully inspecting each bandage, some using the mirror, others not. His eyes were wide, and his mouth was slightly agape. Gibbs noticed that the more bandages Tony discovered, the more his hands trembled.

Gibbs took a step closer, but didn't reach out to touch Tony. He didn't know how he'd react yet, so didn't try to force a lot of contact between them. "Tony?" he kept his voice gentle and even. "Ya ok?"

Tony raised his eyes and looked at Gibbs. "What…what happened?" He glanced around. When his eyes rested on the shower they widened slightly and he gasped.

Gibbs moved to Tony's shoulder. "Hey. I'm right here. What's the last thing you remember?"

Tony was quiet for a long moment, his eyes resting on the tub, and Gibbs was glad that Ducky and Cheryl had cleaned the bathroom so meticulously. They'd taken care to remove any trace of blood that was found—not an easy task! There had been a great deal of blood. "Oh God," Tony whispered. A hand rose to his arm—to the exact spot where it was bandaged.

"Tony," Gibbs said again. "You with me?"

Tony whipped around to face Gibbs and nearly keeled over. Gibbs caught him before he fell over. "I've got you," he said softly. "You with me now?"

"Jesus Gibbs…I…" he looked down at his bandaged body helplessly as he regained his balance. "Did I? How many times did I…?"

"Tony it isn't like that," Gibbs reassured him, grateful to the professionals who had their sixes that afternoon. "You didn't try to hurt yourself."

"LOOK AT ME!" Tony cried. "How can you…how can you say that? I…Gibbs I…" he shrugged, tears filling his eyes.

Gibbs reached out and cupped Tony's face in his hands. "Listen to me," he said. His voice was soft, but brooded no argument. He waited until Tony's shaky gaze met his own steady one. "Cheryl and Ducky were here. You were…you explained it to Cheryl Tony. Do you remember?"

Tony shook his head sadly, and dropped his gaze, ashamed.

Gibbs put a finger under his chin and lifted his face to look in his eyes again. "You told her you were trying to get the tar off. You weren't trying to kill yourself babe," Gibbs breathed. "I promise you."

"I feel so stupid," Tony whispered, just barely holding onto control of his emotions. "Should be past this. Shouldn't still be…it should be gone by now! I shouldn't still be doing this!" His voice grew with every word, and Gibbs took the increase in volume and power in his tone without blinking. Tony needed him to be strong right now, so strong he would be.

"You aren't stupid," Gibbs hissed. "You're brilliant. And so you're still recovering from what happened? Did you consider everything else that's happened lately?"

Tony thought about it for a moment. He knew Gibbs was right. Knew it with every part of him. Didn't change the fact that, "I just want to be me again," he said in a small voice.

Gibbs pulled him into an embrace then. "I know you do. And I know you are still you." He kissed him firmly on the forehead. "Go pee and then we'll go downstairs and find ya something to eat." He turned Tony towards the toilet and left him to do his business.

After a light dinner that Tony actually managed to eat most of, Gibbs bundled Tony back up the steps and into bed. He expected to hear protests from the younger man about not being tired, so he was surprised when Tony climbed right back into bed, laid down with a hiss of pain, and then dropped off to sleep almost immediately. Concern washed over Gibbs, and he lay there most of the night, watching his partner sleep, ready to protect him from whatever threatened that rest—including Tony himself. In the dim hours just before the sun rose, Gibbs finally fell asleep.

xxx

Tony woke up and looked around. A glance at the clock on the table told him that it was just past 10am. He glanced over and saw Gibbs sitting next to him on the bed, book in hand, glasses perched firmly on his nose. He was looking at Tony, who offered a weak smile.

"Mornin'," Tony said.

"Morning," Gibbs smiled. "Want some coffee?" He held up his own cup to indicate the brew downstairs.

Tony's stomach turned at the thought of the strong acidic beverage. "No thanks," he said softly. He slowly pushed himself up in bed and looked around. God, he hurt all over…felt like he'd been hit by a truck.

The doorbell rang then, and Tony startled badly from the unexpected noise. "Easy," Gibbs said. "I've got a surprise for you. Go ahead and get dressed while I go answer the door. I'll be back for you in a second. It's just someone dropping stuff off. They aren't coming for a visit and won't stay long."

"Don't have to come back for me," Tony said quietly. "I can make it downstairs."

"You sure? You were kinda wobbly last night."

"I'm ok," Tony assured him. "Go see who's at the door."

Downstairs, Jethro smiled at his boss standing at his front door. "Not used to this door being locked, Jethro," Tom Morrow said with a sheepish smile. "You used to leave it open. I understand why you've got it locked now though—you have something very precious to you here."

Jethro smiled and nodded. "Yessir," he said.

Morrow returned the smile. "I brought you this," he said, holding out the medium sized file box. "It's a non-violent crime cold case load. Embezzling, extortion, identity theft, fraud, that sort of thing. Not what you all usually get into, but I think under the circumstances, it could be good practice for you. Keeps your brains limbered up," he winked at Gibbs, who smirked back.

"Thanks for running these by. Has there been any word on—"

"Nope. It's all quiet. No word or sign of Ari Haswari in several days now."

"Is it too much to wish that he'd go back to wherever it is he came from?" Tony said from the staircase. He was moving slowly, but Gibbs was pleased to see him getting down the stairs on his own.

"I don't think that's unreasonable, Agent DiNozzo," Morrow said with a smile, taking care to address his young friend with professionalism and using his title.

"Don't know if I'm still worthy of being called an agent, sir," Tony said in a small voice, coming to stand beside Gibbs. He glanced quickly at the box, but it didn't hold his attention very long.

"I think you are," Morrow said. "And as soon as you feel up to it I want you back to work. Got it?"

Tony smiled. "I understand sir," he said. "Might be a few days. Kinda…did a number on myself yesterday."

"Understandable," Morrow said. "Well. I need to get to the Yard. Ring me if you need anything and I will see to your needs personally."

"Thank you sir," Gibbs and Tony spoke almost in unison. The three men shared a smile and the director left quietly, closing the locked door behind him once more.

"What'd the Director bring?" Tony asked. He walked to the kitchen and got out the jug of chocolate milk there. They'd quit making it a sports bottle at a time because Tony was drinking so much of it. It was easier to make bigger jugs that would last longer. He poured himself a glass and took a long drink off of it. He refilled it from the jug and then put the jug away. Gibbs had the box open on the dining room table and was thumbing through the contents. "Gibbs?"

Gibbs smiled at Tony. "I know how you said you wanted to go back to work," he said. "And I knew that after what happened yesterday you wouldn't really feel up to going in to the office. So I took a chance, and I called the Director. These are cold case files Tony. From the non-violent crimes unit. He brought them for us to work on…if you're feeling up to it."

Tony stared at him dumbly for a long moment, before tearing his gaze away and looking into the box. It was filled, almost bursting, with cold cases. "These are for me?" he asked.

"For us," Gibbs said. "I'm working from home until you feel up to going in. With everything going on with Ari, and with as much progress as you're making…I don't wanna be away. I want to be with you."

"Do you think I need protecting?" Tony asked with a hint of an edge in his voice.

"I think that Ari has labeled you a target to use to get to me. In that respect, you need to have someone watching your six. But if it were Kate or McGee or anyone else it would be no different. I'm already with you here, so I figured it made more sense for me to be the one to stay with you. You're still under protection detail, remember?"

Tony nodded. He understood that much. "I can't believe you got the Director to bring cold cases by," he commented.

"Only non-violent crimes. Fraud, embezzling, that sort of thing. I wanted you to be able to work if you want to, but I wanted you to ease back into it so you don't get overwhelmed."

Tony looked at him. "I'm not so much ready for violent crimes yet," he said softly. "I might not ever be."

Gibbs draped an arm around his shoulder and pressed a kiss to Tony's temple. "I know," he said softly. "And we'll go at your pace, and if you aren't ever able to go back into violent crimes, then I'm sure we'll find you something that makes you happy. OK?"

"Will you still love me if I…if I freak out and can't do it?" It was rare for Tony to ask questions like that.

"I swear to you," Gibbs said. "Nothing could make me not love you. You're mine. And I love you. And I'm proud of you—whatever progress you make. I'm so proud of you."

"Even after yesterday?" Tony's eyes were filled with fear. He didn't know what to make of the events of the day before.

"Especially after yesterday," Gibbs told him. "It's tough, what you're going through, and you're doing the best you can. I know that. I love you." He drew Tony into a gentle embrace.

"I love you too," Tony whispered, returning the hug.

Eventually the two parted, and Tony glanced at the box. "Can we try one? See how I do?"

"Absolutely," Gibbs said. "You pick. I need more coffee." Tony nodded and Gibbs headed for the kitchen.

A few minutes later, when Gibbs started back towards the dining room, he stopped in the doorway and smiled. Tony was sitting at the table, pouring over a file, already scribbling notes. He looked up at Gibbs and smiled. "I think I know who did it," he said confidently.

"Yeah?" Gibbs said, moving quickly to Tony's side. "Got the evidence to prove it?"

Tony showed him what he'd found in the case. Showed him the evidence. The pieces were all there…Gibbs couldn't figure out why the team that had originally worked the case had been unable to solve it. They made a phone call to the director and reported their findings. Director Morrow was pleased, and told them that an arrest would be made as soon as possible, using the information they'd found.

Gibbs looked at Tony and smiled. "Don't get too cocky yet," he said. He tossed Tony another file. "We've only got about a hundred more to go."

xxx

The two worked on Cold Cases for a good bit of the day. Tony stopped to make lunch at one point, and Gibbs was happy to give him a break. He was also happy that the younger man was showing interest in eating. He'd overheard Tony talking with Ducky quietly about what types of foods he should be eating to get his weight back up to the level it should be at, without eating only junk and unhealthy fast food. Ducky provided Tony with some good ideas for meals that would taste good, be healthy choices, and would help him to gain the weight back that he'd lost in the past weeks. Tony fixed a delicious and simple lunch that they'd both eaten with gusto. After lunch Tony asked Gibbs if it would be alright for him to lie down for a bit. His hip was hurting where he'd cut it the day before, which didn't surprise Gibbs in the slightest.

Gibbs told Tony to take some tylenol and get some rest, and turned back to his case file.

A couple of hours later, Gibbs realized it was nearly time for Tony's therapy appointment and glanced around. He hadn't seen Tony in a couple of hours, and he hoped the younger man was sleeping. He stepped quietly up the stairs and stopped in the doorway (and realized how much of that he was doing these days) and looked at Tony. The younger man was curled on the bed, one hand up near his face, the other on his injured hip, resting there lightly. Debating on how to go about waking Tony up, he took a couple of steps towards the bed. Just as he was about to speak to start waking Tony up, Tony's eyes snapped open and he stared at Gibbs for a long moment. Gibbs stopped and waited for Tony to recognize him.

"Hey," Tony whispered finally, his voice thick with sleep.

"Hi there," Gibbs said with a gentle smile.

Tony suddenly pushed himself up on an elbow and looked around. "How long have I been asleep?" he asked. He ran a hand over his face. "Didn't mean to sleep so long."

"Only for a couple of hours," Gibbs said softly. "It's alright, you needed it."

Tony yawned deeply. "Feel like I could sleep a couple more," he admitted.

"Well then we'll make it an early night," Gibbs said. He kissed Tony's cheek. "Right now we gotta get ready to go to Cheryl's for your appointment."

"Will you stay with me?" Tony asked softly, looking at Gibbs with big eyes.

"Absolutely," Gibbs promised.

xxx

Cheryl glanced at Gibbs and Tony, who were seated around the round table in her office. She held a folder in her hands, and a box of colored pencils on top of it.

"More coloring?" Tony asked.

Cheryl smiled. "Well, since you wanted to have Gibbs stay with us today, I thought maybe we could check on our goals and see how we're doing," she said. "And then…if there's time…perhaps some coloring."

Tony looked slightly unsure of himself. "Ok," he said softly. "I um…dunno about the coloring part, but you're the boss."

Cheryl nodded and sat down beside Tony so he was in the middle of her and Gibbs. "Gibbs let's start with you," she said. She handed him his list from weeks earlier. "These are the goals you and Tony made for the two of you. Please read yours out loud for us," she requested gently.

Gibbs held up the paper he'd written on. "Number one. I want things to be better than ever between me and Tony. Especially communication. Number two. I want to be able to touch Tony—hold his hand, hug him—without making him feel scared. Number three. I want Tony to feel safe riding shotgun with me in the front seat. I miss him. Number four. I want…I want to sleep under the covers with Tony. Number five. I want to take Tony out on a date for our anniversary."

Cheryl smiled. "Thank you Gibbs. Now. Let's start at the top. Your number one thing was that you wanted things to be better between you and Tony, especially regarding communication. It's been six weeks since we did this Gibbs. How are you feeling about this? Are you making progress?"

Gibbs thought about it for a long moment and glanced at Tony, who was watching him. "I think we've made some good progress," he said. "We aren't perfect yet…I'm still working on pulling my head out of my ass, but I'm trying."

"Good," Cheryl said. "What about number two? Are you able to touch Tony now?"

Gibbs glanced at Tony. He hadn't been expecting this today. "Yeah," he said softly, and Tony nodded. "There's still some rough patches here and there, but we're doing a lot better. Tony seems to be making lots of progress."

Cheryl made some notes. "Excellent, number three," she said. She looked at Tony. "Are you riding up front yet?"

"Sometimes," Tony shrugged. "I did today actually," he glanced at Gibbs, who nodded. "Was kinda nice…felt…felt more normal," he whispered.

"I'm very proud of you Tony," Cheryl said with a very genuine smile. "How about number four? Shall we discuss sleeping arrangements?"

"They're better," Tony volunteered. "Though I still don't like it when he runs his cold feet up my leg."

"So you're sleeping under the covers together now?" Cheryl clarified.

"Most nights yes," Tony said. "If I don't feel comfortable with it, then I change me. I don't make Gibbs freeze anymore."

"And if you move, where do you go?"

"Sometimes I'll get up and watch a bit of television, sometimes I'll move to the guest room, or some nights I just get on top of the covers and grab a blanket or something," Tony said. "I try not to wake Gibbs up. He went for days without sleeping because of me and my stupid ha—"

"Hold it right there Mister," Cheryl cut him off. "Because of you and your what?" she asked sweetly.

"Oh um…because of me and my nervousness," Tony corrected himself. He'd been working on not insulting himself, even in jest. Cheryl didn't let him beat himself up because of what had happened to him. She called him on it every single damn time.

"That's better. And Gibbs, what about number five? When is your anniversary?"

"It's coming up at the beginning of February," Gibbs said. "Got a couple of weeks yet."

"Tony? How are you feeling when you go out in public? Do you think you'll be ready for a night out?"

"I think I'll be ready, as long as there aren't any…um…setbacks…between now and then," Tony said.

"Gibbs where do you think you'll take him?"

"I've been looking into some nice places in the downtown district," Gibbs said evasively. He answered the question, but not so much that he'd give the surprise away.

"Tony? Are you alright not knowing the specifics?" Cheryl asked. She knew that only a few weeks ago this would have set him off into quite a tirade.

Tony smiled at Gibbs. "I'm ok with it," he said, "because I know that Gibbs wouldn't ever hurt me. I know he'll pick out a place I can handle, and that we'll have a good time."

"Excellent! That is wonderful news, gentlemen!" Cheryl praised them heartily. "Now. Tony. Let's do your list." She made a couple more notes on Gibbs' goals, then passed Tony's list of goals to him. "Read them out loud for us please."

"Ok," Tony said. "Um…number one…I want Jethro to still love me. I want to believe him when he says he does. Number two. I don't want to be treated like I'm different. I'm still me. Number three. I don't want to feel like I'm breakable. Number four. I want to trust Jethro with my body. Number five. I want me and Jethro to be closer than we were before all of this…I want us to be able to talk easier…I want us to be able to do things together or separate…I don't want to worry so much about what could happen." Tony stared hard at the list he'd made six weeks earlier. It was difficult to believe the way he'd sounded then, compared to the way he felt now. It was amazing to him what a difference six weeks had made. "Wow," he said softly.

"Wow indeed," Cheryl said with a smile. "Let's go through your list, alright?"

"Ok," Tony breathed, and Gibbs squeezed his hand.

"Number one. How are you doing with this one?"

Tony glanced at the paper he'd written. "I think I met that goal. I know Jethro loves me," he smiled at Gibbs. "I don't doubt him anymore."

"Good. Number two?"

"Um…I'm still working on this one…I feel like me until I get around my friends…I feel like they still treat me differently," Tony said.

"And how are you managing that?" Cheryl asked.

"I'm not going around my friends as much," Tony admitted.

"What if you talked to them? Showed them the progress you're making? Do you think that would help?"

Tony looked uncertain, and he turned to Gibbs. "What do you think?" he asked. "Think it would help?"

Gibbs thought about it for a long moment. "Not sure," he said. "Maybe?"

"We could try," Tony said. "Last couple of times we got everyone together though, it was pretty much a disaster. I freaked out."

"Perhaps you should try again," Cheryl said. "And perhaps lay down some ground rules before you get together. I understand your friend Abby has joined a support group?"

"Yeah," Tony said. "That's what Gibbs told me. I'm shocked by it…it's so…un-Abby-like, and yet…something Abby would totally do," he said.

"She sounds like an exciting girl," Cheryl said.

"Abby's great…but her personality is just so big…she was really overwhelming me," Tony admitted. "I should talk to her. She's one of my best friends."

Cheryl glanced surreptitiously to Gibbs, who nodded. "Perhaps you could start by emailing her. Ease into a conversation that way?"

"Yea, maybe," Tony nodded. "Might be a good idea. I'll think about it."

"She's likely already emailed you, Tony," Gibbs said gently. "She was thinking about doing that."

"Ok," Tony said. "I'm ok with that. I'll check it when we get home. Gibbs will you remind me?"

"Sure," Gibbs said.

"Number four," Cheryl said, moving them along.

"I think we're doing better with number four," Tony said. "Not perfect yet…but not awkward like it was. I'm not as afraid of being touched as I was, and I know now that Jethro would never hurt me. The biggest threat to me is…me. Unless you count Ari," he said with a nervous chuckle.

Cheryl smiled. "We'll talk about Ari in a moment. Number five."

"I think I met goal five. We're closer now than ever before. Gibbs and I…I can't imagine trying to do it without him," Tony said. "We're so close…some days it's like I can't tell where he stops and I start. I don't know what I'd ever do if he left me."

Gibbs squeezed Tony's hand. "Not gonna leave ya," he promised. He raised Tony's hand to his lips and kissed his knuckles.

"Look at that progress," Cheryl said. "Tony when we started six weeks ago I don't think you'd have even let Gibbs touch your hand with his, let alone hold it continually and kiss it!" Cheryl exclaimed. "You've made wonderful progress!"

Tony and Gibbs shared a smile. Cheryl handed them each a different paper. "Now on to the harder stuff," she said. "These are your individual goals. Tony would you like to work on this separately, or would you like to do this with Gibbs present?"

"I'm ok with Gibbs staying, if he doesn't mind," Tony said. He glanced at Gibbs.

"I'll stay," Gibbs said with a nod.

"Excellent. Tony this time we'll start with you. Read your individual goals please."

Tony took a deep breath. "One. Peace. I want to stop feeling like I'm going to fly apart. Two. I don't want to feel scared anymore. I can't even ride in the front seat of a car or be left alone without freaking out. Three. I want to take a shower and feel clean. Four. I want to go back to work, to the market, to the movies. I want to do the things I used to do. Five. I want to be able to drink something—anything—without a flashback…without throwing up."

"Thank you. How are you doing with these?"

"Um…"

"Take your time, dear. There's no rush. I've got you blocked for two hours today, and we've only just used a quarter hour or so of it."

"Well I don't so much feel like I'm going to fly apart all the time anymore," Tony said. "I don't feel as angry or defensive."

"That is progress," Cheryl agreed. "What about feeling scared? How are you doing?"

"Um…most of the time I do ok…I still get nervous…still get scared sometimes…"

"And you likely always will do that," Cheryl said gently. "Sometimes you'll just have the feeling and it may take you some time to shake it. I've spoken with lots of rape victims, and though it doesn't affect their day to day lives for the most part, sometimes that fear will inexplicably creep back in. You might feel like you need a couple of showers in one day sometimes. That is all normal. It doesn't mean you are experiencing any setbacks. You said you're doing better with riding in the car. How are you with being left alone?"

"I um…I am not too good with this yet," Tony said softly, staring at his lap. "I get really nervous when I'm by myself…I um…I spend most of my time and energy when I'm alone working on not having a panic attack. It's hell."

"Well you've had some other frightening things happen since you were raped," Cheryl said, and she noticed that he still flinched slightly when she said it. "Think about what happened last week with the intruder at Gibbs' house. You were under a considerable amount of pressure in the place where you felt safest," Cheryl told him. "It's understandable that you'd be uncomfortable being left alone. Now. My question. Are you alright being left by Gibbs if someone else is around?"

"You mean like if Gibbs goes in to work and one of the other agents on protection detail stays with me?"

"If that's an example you can use, then yes."

"Um…I still get nervous. I'm not sure if it's because I know Ari is out there, and that he's gunning for Gibbs, or if it's because Gibbs isn't with me…or if it's because I don't really know the agents on the protection detail that well," Tony shrugged. "It's not the greatest. I do fine if Gibbs is around, though."

"Sounds like you've made some progress, despite everything that's happened. Good work," Cheryl said. "Next."

"Three. I want to take a shower…and…feel…clean," Tony's voice trailed off as he read it and thought about what it meant.

"Tony?" Cheryl's voice sounded kind of far away. He blinked and forced himself to focus. "How are you doing with this one Tony?"

"I um…not so good," Tony ran a nervous hand through his hair. "I mean um…I am taking…fewer…fewer showers," he said. "But um…"

"Tony I would like you to listen to me give you my perspective on how you're doing with this one, if that's alright with you," Cheryl said. Tony glanced at Gibbs, and when he nodded, he nodded also. "Ok," he whispered.

"You are taking fewer showers—and that's a good thing. It means that you are feeling less dirty. Would you agree with that?"

Tony was quiet for a long moment. "Yeah," he finally mumbled, rubbing his hands over his face. "Til yesterday."

"I'm glad you brought yesterday up," Cheryl said. "Because we need to discuss yesterday. I want you to know one thing about yesterday."

Tony looked up at her. "What's that?"

"Yesterday was a setback. A temporary setback. It was likely brought on by stress. You've had a great deal of that lately."

"Yeah," Tony whispered. He tugged nervously on his hair until Gibbs raised his hand to stop him. He looked at Gibbs, and then at their hands. Gibbs hadn't dropped his hand. He took a shuddery breath.

"I do not think you are suicidal," Cheryl said firmly, looking Tony right in the eye.

Tony's expression cracked a bit. "But—"

"I do not think you are suicidal," Cheryl repeated patiently. "If I thought you were a danger to yourself, then I would have had to report your actions. Ducky and I both would have been bound by the law to have you admitted to a medical facility where your condition could be monitored. You are not suicidal. You were having a panic attack. In your anxiety, you were trying—in the best way you knew how—to scrape off the tar. You were not trying to hurt yourself."

"You really think so?" Tony asked softly, the skepticism evident in his voice.

"I really think so," Cheryl assured him. "The cuts you made were accidental—they aren't even cuts. Have you looked at them?"

"No, only the bandages," Tony said.

"They aren't cuts. They were made with the razor blade, but they're actually scrapes. You have severe razor burn. You. Did. Not. Cut. Yourself. You didn't. Understand?"

"I think so," Tony said. "I might forget though."

"That's what I'm here for," Cheryl said. "Now. Number four. Going out. How is that going?"

Tony smiled, for the first time in a while. "I started working today," he said quietly, the pride audible in his voice. "Gibbs called up the Director and got him to bring us some cold cases. I solved one case this morning and think I've found a lead on a second one."

"That's excellent Tony! Good job!" Cheryl said. "So you were working from home?"

"Yes," Tony said. "They think that it might be too soon to try the office yet…I think I agree with them…and like today…I'm sore all over. I hurt so bad, I can't imagine being at work."

"Understandable," Cheryl agreed. "What about going out other places?"

"Um…Gibbs makes me go to the grocery store every week with him. Usually it's pretty much unexciting," Tony said sheepishly.

"Usually?"

"Sometimes…sometimes it's hard," Tony said. "If there's a lot of people there…" he shrugged, "I get nervous."

"He does a good job though," Gibbs chimed in. He hadn't spoke in a while, just listening to all of the progress that Tony was making. "If he gets nervous, he either goes to the deli and has a cup of coffee while he waits for me, or if it's really crowded he'll go wait for me in the car. But most of the time we get in and out and he's fine for the whole trip."

"Sounds like you're making some progress there," Cheryl said, raising an eyebrow at Tony. "I think you need to give yourself more credit."

"I'm working on that," Tony said softly.

"I know you are. You're doing a fine job. You've made so much progress. Now. Only one goal left to go over. What's number five say?"

"I want to be able to drink something—anything—without throwing it up, and without having a flashback," Tony recited softly.

"Well?" Cheryl asked. "You already know what I'm going to ask you."

"I think I'm doing a lot better with this goal," Tony said. "I mean I've still got some work to do. And some days I still throw up. And some days I still can't swallow too well…but…but I think I'm making progress."

"I know for a fact you are making progress," Cheryl said.

"How?" Tony asked.

Cheryl smiled. "Because you said 'some days' you still throw up and 'some days' you still can't swallow too well. When we first met, how long had it been since you'd successfully kept anything down?"

"Like…I dunno a week or two," Tony said softly.

"Exactly. And now what is the longest you've gone without getting sick?" Cheryl asked.

"Um…probably about a week," Tony said, a smile growing on his face.

"That's wonderful!"

Gibbs nudged him. "Tell him about Ducky," he said.

Tony smiled and blushed slightly. "I um…I've been talking to Ducky some…he's been helping me come up with healthy meals that are light in case I get sick…but they're also designed to help me regain the weight I've lost. I have to get my weight back up if I want to go back to work full time."

"And how is that going?"

"Tony's becoming quite the cook," Gibbs commented. "He's got a pile of new recipes that he's been trying out, and sometimes we cook together, and he's already started to gain weight again."

"Tony that is really a big deal," Cheryl said, her smile filling her whole face. "You're doing so well, and you're really taking control of your recovery and your progress, and you're doing a wonderful job. I'm so proud of you!"

"Thanks," Tony said, his ears tinged pink.

Cheryl shuffled her pages and looked at Gibbs. "Alright Gibbs," she said. "You have big shoes to fill. Let's do your goals now."

Gibbs took a deep breath and nodded. "Alright," he said. Tony smiled at him and he returned the smile. He hated being the center of attention, even in a small setting like this. He'd much rather keep the focus on Tony, but he knew this was a group effort.

Cheryl passed Gibbs the page with his goals on it. "Here you go," she said. "Read 'em off."

Gibbs put on his reading glasses and held the paper up. "Number one. I want to feel like I can support Tony right now and in the future. I want to be what he needs. Number two. I want to not feel guilty for my role in Tony being attacked. Number three. I want to continue to lead my team at work, including Tony, without being terrified of something happening. Number four. I want to work on my boat and not feel selfish. Number five. I want to sleep at night without nightmares about what happened to Tony."

"Ok Gibbs. You know the drill. Number one. Are you making progress?"

"Um…" Gibbs ran a hand over the back of his neck and glanced nervously between Cheryl and Tony. "I don't really feel like I am," he said uneasily. "I still don't know how I'm supposed to react to things half the time. I'm always concerned that I'm…going to do it wrong and either make it harder for Tony or upset him." He looked at Tony. "I don't want to upset you," he said.

"You haven't," Tony assured him. "Well…not in the last couple of days anyway," he winced slightly.

"Gibbs what do you mean when you say you aren't sure how you're supposed to react to things?" Cheryl asked gently.

Gibbs was quiet for a long time. "I just…I worry about Tony…I worry constantly. I'm afraid that I'm going to say something or do something inadvertently that is going to cause him to have a flashback or make him feel threatened or something. I don't know how to fix that," he said softly.

Gibbs' eyes shot open wide when a firm headslap rocked him forward unexpectedly.

"You could just be yourself Gibbs!" Tony exclaimed. "I fell in love with YOU not some pale imitation of you. I want you with all your snarky comments and smartass remarks. I want you to grumble and fuss and I want you to not worry about breaking me. Remember my goal? To not feel like I'm breakable and to not be treated differently? Do that! I'm still me Jethro!"

"I know you are," Gibbs said, looking at his lover. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I made you feel that way. I just…don't want you to hurt anymore."

"But I'm going to hurt—it's part of getting better. I have to get things back to normal or there's no point in doing it. Don't hurt me intentionally, but be with me. Walk it with me. If we screw up we'll fix it. We always do."

Cheryl sat back with her arms crossed, a satisfied smile on her face. She was content to let them work this out themselves, and it sounded like Tony was getting better at telling Gibbs what he needed.

Eventually the two stopped and realized that Cheryl wasn't intervening. "I guess we can uh, move on now," Gibbs said uneasily.

Cheryl smiled wider. "Number two?" she said.

"I want to not feel guilty for my role in Tony being attacked. I think I'm doing better with this. I don't feel like it's my fault anymore," Gibbs said.

"I would agree," Cheryl said with a nod. "Shall we move on?"

"Sure," Gibbs said. "Number three. I want to lead my team at work—including Tony—without being afraid something's going to happen."

"And how are you doing with this one?"

"I haven't gone back to work full time yet," Gibbs said. "But I've been able to lead the team some from home, and Tony and I are working on cold cases together now. I think I'm making some progress with this."

"Sounds like it to me," Cheryl made a note on Gibbs' file. "Number four?"

"I want to work on my boat and not feel selfish."

"How is that boat coming?" Cheryl asked.

"I've barely even had time to look at it," Gibbs admitted.

"Why is that Gibbs?"

"I'm doing a lot more sleeping and cooking and cleaning and working these days," Gibbs said with a smile. "At night we either watch television or we go to bed and read…I dunno," Gibbs rubbed a hand over his chin. "I haven't been avoiding it; I just…haven't been down there much."

"Do you want to be down there?"

"Yeah," Gibbs said. "Some. Not all the time. Not every night. I miss it though."

"Then I'd like for you to start making time for you to do this."

Gibbs nodded and looked at Tony. "I think I can do that. You want to work with me and help me?"

Tony smiled. "I'd like that a lot Gibbs, but I'll warn you…I'm not exactly a…uh…craftsman."

"I'll teach you," Gibbs said with a smile.

"Will you show me how to get the boat out of the basement?" Tony's eyes shone with excitement.

"I will," Gibbs said with a nod.

"FINALLY!" Tony exclaimed happily.

"Sounds like there will be progress made on that next time we talk," Cheryl said with a chuckle. "And last but not least. Number five."

"I want to have sleep at night without having nightmares about what happened to Tony."

"How's that going? How are you sleeping?" Cheryl asked.

"I'm sleeping pretty well. It's easier to sleep easier now that Tony's resting better. I can relax a little and not worry about him as much."

"How are the nightmares?"

"Fewer and farther between," Gibbs said with a nod. "For both of us." Tony nodded.

"Excellent. That will likely continue to improve over time," Cheryl said. Both men nodded again.

Cheryl smiled. "You two have certainly made some excellent progress. I'm very proud of you both. Now. I'd like to have you do one more thing today."

"What's that?" Tony asked. "Arts and crafts?"

"Not quite. I have a drawing project for you."

"I knew it," Tony groaned.

"Now, now," Cheryl scolded lightly. "Before you start moaning and groaning, hear me out. Since the two of you are so close to one another, and since you are each other's support system, I would like you to use the paper and pencils I am providing you with here, and I would like you to draw each other."

"What you mean like, me draw Gibbs?" Tony asked.

"That's exactly what I mean," Cheryl said. "Gibbs you will draw Tony, Tony you draw Gibbs. When you're finished we'll discuss. I'm going to go fill up my coffee. Can I get anyone anything?"

TBC…


	37. Work Hard To Forget

**WARNING! Reference to Creepy Un-mother-like behavior. References made to sexual abuse on a child. It will NOT be explicit, but be warned—content may be disturbing to some readers. Skip the part about Tony/Gibbs in the apartment if you'd like or PM me and I'll give you a run-down of what happens.**

_Thanks as always to my brave and dear friend for all your help with this story. Your bravery every day continues to astound me. _

**No Chains Holding Me  
><strong>**Chapter 37: Work Hard To Forget**

It didn't take long for Cheryl to return and she was truly amazed by the artwork that was laid out before her. "Well," she said. "You two are certainly quite good artists!"

"We sketch crime scenes…have to learn how to draw to do that," Tony said softly.

"I suppose I always thought that was just sketching diagrams," Cheryl mused. "This though…this is art!"

"We aren't as good as Kate," Gibbs commented. "She's the team's sketch artist. She's brilliant." Tony nodded in agreement.

"Well let's take a look at these pictures." She collected the drawings off of the table and then put a mirror out on the table. "Gibbs let's do yours first," Cheryl said. Gibbs nodded in agreement. He was alright with being the guinea pig to go first in this exercise. She hadn't hurt them yet, and he didn't figure she was going to start now.

"Here is the picture that Tony drew of you," Cheryl handed it to him. She set the mirror up in front of Gibbs. "I want you to compare what you see, to what he sees."

Gibbs looked at the picture of himself. Tony had used colors sparingly in his picture, so that only his eyes were colored. He'd picked out a bright icy blue that, upon looking in the mirror, was close to his actual eye color. The rest of the picture he'd done in black and white. Gibbs noticed that he had a lot less wrinkles when Tony drew him, and he could see smile lines around his mouth, and laugh lines crinkling around his eyes.

"Wow," Gibbs breathed. He looked at himself in the mirror. He saw the scar on his forehead from the explosion in Kuwait, and the way the barber had cut his hair just slightly crooked this last trim. He could see all the blemishes and spots on his face that told him he was getting older, and the slight gap in his teeth that'd been there since he was a kid. He shared his findings with Cheryl and Tony and smiled shyly at Tony who blushed at the praise for his drawing.

Cheryl turned the mirror towards Tony and passed him the picture Gibbs drew. "Your turn," she said with a smile. Tony smiled nervously and lifted the picture.

Where Tony had drawn Gibbs in almost all black and white sketch, Gibbs had made use of the vast array of colored pencils. If there was one thing about Tony's picture that stood out to him, it was how _alive _Gibbs made him look. The colors surrounding him were bright and vibrant, and Gibbs had perfectly matched Tony's hair color and eye color as well. He drew the half smile that graced Tony's face most of the time they were together, and he even managed to capture what looked suspiciously like a twinkle in his eye. The colors were light and fun, and told a story of a happy man filled with life.

Tony looked from the picture to the mirror and back again. He could feel a lump forming in his throat as he searched desperately for the man that Gibbs saw. His eyes looked old and tired, and his face held wrinkles that hadn't been there only a few months before. His hair stuck up at odd angles, not in its groovy disarray that he typically wore it in, his clothes hung on him awkwardly because of all the weight he'd lost…he didn't look anything like the man in the picture. The man in the picture looked happy. Full of life. Full of…pizzazz. Staring at himself? He just looked…old. He looked tired. He looked defeated. He sighed.

"Tony?" Cheryl was watching Tony carefully, noticing how quiet he was, and gauging his reaction. "You want to tell us what you see?"

Tony took a deep breath and swallowed hard, trying to swallow around the lump in his throat. "I um…I see…" he closed his eyes, ashamed as two tears dripped down his cheeks. "I see someone who isn't there anymore. He's gone…I can't…I can't find him."

"Tell me what you see, Tony," Cheryl said patiently.

Gibbs scooted a little closer and ran his hand lightly over Tony's shoulders. "Ok Tony," he said softly. "It's ok."

Tony took another deep breath and opened his eyes again. He was almost reluctant to look in the mirror. "I see…I see someone who looks like he has the weight of the whole world on his shoulders. I see…I look…I look defeated," Tony said shakily. "I let them beat me…and now…now I don't even recognize myself anymore." More tears dripped from his eyes. "Who am I? Who is this guy?" He gestured at the mirror. "Where'd I go?"

"Look at the picture Tony. Tell me what you need to change about your appearance to make this person come back," Cheryl said. "Where are the differences?"

"I'm too thin…my face isn't even shaped the same way anymore…my hair is…and I've got this…lightness about me and it's gone now…" Tony whipped around to face Gibbs. "You made me look so alive! You drew me and made me look so happy! I don't…I can't…Gibbs I can't even see that person in here," he indicated the mirror.

"That's funny," Gibbs said turning the mirror so they could each see both of them in the reflection. "I see the person I drew. He's right beside me," Gibbs looked over at him and smiled. "You're still in there. I promise you."

Tony leaned on Gibbs, emotions overtaking him for a moment. Gibbs ran a hand up and down his back and soothed him gently. Cheryl smiled sadly at them, at the progress they were making. A few moments passed this way before Tony regained control of himself. Cheryl passed him the ever-present box of tissues. "Thanks," Tony muttered, and he blew his nose. "Well I almost made it through a whole session without blubbering like a…" Tony stopped when he saw the look on Cheryl's face. "Without crying," he corrected.

The rest of the session passed calmly, and when they left Tony brought the picture Gibbs had drawn with them. Cheryl had instructed Tony to hang the picture on the bathroom mirror and whenever he showered he was supposed to take time to look at himself through his eyes and Gibbs' eyes, and work on seeing the things in the mirror that Gibbs saw on the drawing. That was his homework for the week.

Gibbs smiled when Tony slid into the front seat of the truck. The protection detail was close by but not hovering, there in case they were needed, but letting Gibbs and Tony live their own lives. Gibbs pulled out in traffic and Tony looked at him. "Can we go to my apartment?" he asked suddenly.

Gibbs looked a bit surprised, but nodded. "Ok," he said. "What we gonna do there?"

"I would like to check on the place and grab some movies and books, and maybe some jeans that actually fit," Tony said with a sheepish chuckle.

Gibbs nodded and pointed the car towards the Georgetown District. It was about a fifteen minute drive to Tony's apartment from Cheryl's office, and the two enjoyed the day. The sun was shining, and despite it being late January, the temperatures were not bitterly cold. Gibbs could see their detail in the rearview mirror, but they were doing as he'd requested and were not following directly behind them. They pulled into Tony's apartment building parking lot, and Gibbs clued the agents in on what was happening.

"There's a little diner down on the corner," Gibbs said. "Two buildings away. Keep your cell phones on you and if I need backup for any reason, I'll call you."

They were operating with an altered protection detail—it wasn't done the way things normally were. Security wasn't quite as tight. Gibbs and Tony got out of the truck and headed for the building. Tony keyed their way inside and they started up the stairs. They took their time, they were in no rush, and before long they'd reached Tony's apartment.

"Been a while since I've been here," Tony said.

"Few weeks," Gibbs agreed.

Tony unlocked the door and it swung open. They stepped inside and began checking the place out. It seemed to be in good order—it appeared that someone had stopped by and cleaned it up, keeping the dust bunnies at bay. Tony was fairly certain the apartment would pass the white glove test—which he had to admit wouldn't have even happened while he was living there full time. He moved to the bedroom and was stuffing clothes, hair goop, and movies into a duffle bag when there was a beep on the intercom. The intercom was attached to the lock on the door to the building. Any visitors had to be buzzed in by someone inside or had to use a key.

Tony stepped out into the hallway, confused by having a visitor, and looked curiously at Gibbs. Gibbs shrugged. "Dunno," he said. "Want me to buzz it?"

Tony shook his head and stepped forward. He pressed the button on the intercom. "Hello?" he called. A moment later the intercom buzzed and a painfully familiar voice spoke. '_Anthony? Let us in dear. It's cold outside.'_

Tony very nearly panicked at the unexpected surprise, but caught himself. He didn't know why this was so upsetting to him. "I can do this," he mumbled, mostly to himself. Gibbs heard him and raised an eyebrow. Tony punched the button on the intercom to unlock the door. He glanced at Gibbs who looked curious, but kept quiet. A moment later there was a knock on the door. Tony glanced in the eyehole on the door and his gut tightened. Why was this making him so nervous? Unlocking the door, he opened it and was greeted by two smiling people, both in their mid-50s, graying hair, forming wrinkles, but there was no mistaking the identity of these two people—

"Mom? Dad? What are you—oof!"

Tony stepped back as a large hand was shoved at him. The hand obviously belonged to his father, a large framed, smiling man with bright green eyes. Gibbs stood back and watched the reunion, watched the confusion on Tony's face meld into…more confusion. Tony never mentioned his parents. Gibbs had no idea they were coming to town, and he was willing to bet a paycheck that Tony had no idea either. "Oh Son it's so good to see you! We've missed you!"

"Hi…Dad…" Tony said slowly, his arm being pumped up and down methodically.

Tony's mother stepped forward then, and Gibbs' eyes narrowed. There was something odd about the look in her eyes…

"Hello Anthony," his mother purred in a sultry voice. "I've missed you so much!" She slid her hands down her son's back and drew him slowly to her, meshing their bodies together in what could only be described as a…sensual embrace. Gibbs' eyebrows raised as the woman's hands trailed lower and lower until her fingertips nestled in Tony's back pockets. There was something hinky going on here. Gibbs' gaze darkened slightly, his gut tingling.

"Hi Mom," Tony said, but he sounded very uncomfortable, and was working to untangle himself from the embrace. Every time he'd push away she'd draw him in again. It was…weird, to say the least. Gibbs' gut was tingling more. He decided to help Tony out.

"Mrs. DiNozzo," he said politely, stepping forward, hand extended. "My name is Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs. I am Tony's boss and…"

"And lover," Tony said, finally prying his mother off of him and taking two steps backward. At their shocked looks—and did Mrs. DiNozzo look hurt?—Tony sighed. "I'm gay. We've had this discussion. More than once. Accept it. It's how I am."

"Oh my little Anthony," Mrs. DiNozzo said, trailing her fingers lightly down Tony's arm. Tony shivered and closed his eyes. Gibbs thought it seemed that his whole body had tensed at her touch. What the hell was going on here? What was he missing? "Why are you being so snappish to Momma?"

"I um…" his expression shut down a little more and Gibbs' gut churned harder. "I'm sorry Mom," he whispered.

"Why it's ok babydoll," Mrs. DiNozzo cooed, drawing him close to her again. He was stiff, resistant to the embrace. He didn't want it, but he didn't know how to get away from it. He opened his eyes and looked around for a means of escape. Gibbs could see the panic beginning to flare in Tony's eyes over being trapped by this woman and decided to step in once again. This woman didn't seem to want to take the hint.

"Mrs. DiNozzo we were only here for a moment so Tony could grab some things," Gibbs said. "Let's let him finish up, shall we? Come look at this view," he led her to the windows.

Mrs. DiNozzo smiled up at him, but the smile for him was different than the one Tony got. It was…polite. Not affectionate. Not the sultry gaze that was bestowed on her only son moments before. "Special Agent Gibbs," she said softly. "What are you doing?"

"I was simply trying to entertain you while Tony finished gathering his things up. I thought you'd enjoy the view of the park. It's lovely, isn't it?" A quick glance over his shoulder told him that Tony had left the room. A moment later, Gibbs heard a door close firmly down the hall.

"Yes it's lovely," Mrs. DiNozzo agreed. "But I didn't come here to see the trees out the window. I came here for one reason only and that is to see my son. Now if you'll excuse me." She tugged her arm away from Gibbs' gentle grasp and stepped down the hall.

Before Gibbs could follow, Tony Senior stepped up to him. "Forgive my wife," he said uneasily. "She gets so excited about seeing Tony it…frustrates her that he doesn't want to be closer."

Alarm bells sounded in Gibbs' head, but he kept his expression neutral. "Why doesn't he want to be closer?"

Senior shrugged. "I wish I knew. I don't know my boy anymore, Gibbs. He was always such a needy child growing up. He was always sucking up to the housekeepers. We always tried to discipline him and teach him how to be a good, respectable man, but as he grew up, he grew more and more distant. He didn't want to come home if he went to a friend's house. He didn't want to come home when he was away at boarding school or summer camp. He was always so stubborn and willful…He never wanted to be home if he had the option to be somewhere else. At home he was always so…despondent. Borderline rude. Mouthy. Angry. It's confusing to me. We always tried to do everything in our power to make sure that Tony had everything he could ever need or want…he always came across as so ungrateful, please don't misunderstand, we love our son, but he was always…distant. Closed off. It was like he shut down whenever we were around."

Gibbs' raised his eyebrows slightly. "And you can't remember anything happening that would have caused that?"

"Nothing I know of," Senior shook his head sadly. "We always wanted him to be independent though…I suppose we got what we asked for."

Something was wrong here, very wrong. Gibbs had a feeling it had everything to do with the weird way Tony's mother was treating him. And wasn't his mother dead?

"Forgive me if this sounds crass," Gibbs said in a low voice. "But I thought I recalled Tony telling me that his mother had um…that she'd passed."

Senior nodded sadly. "She did. She was in a car accident when Tony was three. This is Tony's step mother. We were married when Tony was five. I don't know if he even remembers his mother or not, he was so young when she died. She told him he should call her Mommy so he did. I don't really understand their relationship. She took an interest in him that I have never comprehended."

Gibbs nodded. He glanced up when a stricken looking Mrs. DiNozzo stepped back into the living room. "Perhaps this was not a good time to visit," she said uneasily. She looked at her husband. "We should go."

More alarm bells sounded in Gibbs' head and his instinctive reaction was to run to Tony's side and find out what the hell was going on.

Senior looked at his wife. "Should I go say goodbye?" he asked, though it was easy to see the reluctance he was feeling.

"I don't think he wants to see either of us," Mrs. DiNozzo said stiffly.

"Tell him to call me," Senior told Gibbs. "Will you?"

Gibbs nodded. He didn't like Senior, even more than he ever figured he would. His wife was a real piece of work, too. Mrs. DiNozzo smiled at Gibbs. "Was very nice to meet you sir," she said sweetly, not meaning a word of it.

Gibbs stared evenly at her, keeping his expression neutral. "Don't call me sir," he said. "I work for a living."

"Goodbye Agent Gibbs," Senior said.

Gibbs nodded. "Goodbye," he said simply.

Mrs. DiNozzo sniffed and was out the door without a backwards glance. Senior followed his wife and didn't even look back. It was obvious to Gibbs that something had happened. Something that had caused Tony to push his mom away and send her packing.

Once the door was closed, he raced over to it and locked the knob, deadbolt, and the chain. He noticed that someone had come by and fixed the locks on the door where he'd broken them before. Probably Ducky or Palmer, he figured. Then he turned and headed to the hall, looking for Tony.

xxx

Tony was in the bathroom, leaned heavily over the toilet, gagging but not throwing up. His mother had finally left him alone. Thank God. He didn't understand what was wrong or why he was reacting so violently to his mom. She'd treated him just as she always had…she'd always been too touchy feely for Tony's tastes, but today…something about it just rang out that it was wrong and bad and Tony felt feelings of fear and guilt and shame rising in him, and the only thing he could think to do was push his mother—his dear mother whom he loved so much—away. He couldn't be near her. Couldn't touch her or let her touch him. He felt dirty in a way he hadn't in weeks and it made him wonder why. He rocked back on his heels and listened to the sounds floating through his apartment. He could make out the faint sounds of conversation, but couldn't distinguish the words. A moment later he heard his front door close and heard the rattle of the locks. He tensed knowing what would come next and shame washed over him again.

There was a light knock on the door, a familiar sound that belonged to Gibbs. Only his fingers could ever tap that lightly and evenly and still be audible. "Tony?" his soft voice called, sending a shiver through Tony's body.

"Yeah?" he mumbled softly.

"Can I come in?"

Tony wondered idly what would happen if Tony told him no. "Sure," he said quietly. He laid his forearm across the open toilet bowl and laid his head tiredly down on it. Gibbs opened the door enough to slide inside and shut the door behind him. Tony heard the sounds of Gibbs opening the cabinet and heard him turn on the water. A moment later a damp washcloth appeared in front of his face. "Can I wipe your face?" Gibbs asked softly. "You're pale as a ghost." Tony nodded and lifted his head, but it felt laden and filled with lead. Gibbs wiped his face gently and Tony shivered at the coolness of the water.

"Are you alright?" Gibbs asked softly, sitting on the edge of the tub.

Tony shut his eyes and shuddered. Then he shrugged. "I'm not sure," he said evasively.

Gibbs ran his hand firmly over Tony's shoulder in a familiar caress. "Run it down for me," the older man said. "Tell me what happened?"

"Nothing happened," Tony snapped. "She…I made her stop…nothing happened," Tony repeated, his voice much softer and less sure sounding.

Gibbs' gut screamed at Tony's reaction. Something was absolutely very much wrong with this situation. "Did…did anything ever happen before?"

Tony shrugged and didn't answer.

"Tony…" Gibbs said gently, reluctant to start what he knew would be an argument, but unable to leave this alone. It was too important.

Tony sniffled hard and ran the back of his hand over his nose. "I don't remember," he said in a broken voice. "I…I was little…" his hand raised to the back of his head and he began tugging on his hair slightly.

Gibbs stilled Tony's hand and held it carefully, not forcing him to move or forcing him to hold the embrace. Finally Tony looked up at him. "I'm so fucked up," he whispered. Tears filled his eyes and he brushed them angrily away.

"Talk to me Tony," Gibbs pleaded, sliding down to sit as close to Tony as he could in the tight spaced bathroom. "I want to help you."

"I'd tell you if I knew, Tony whispered, shaking his head. "I don't know what it is…it's something…it's just like…right on the tip of my memory…Mommy's Little Sailor," he said almost to himself.

Gibbs shook his arm slightly. "Hey?" Tony looked at him after a long moment. "You ok?"

Tony opened his mouth as though to speak, but no words came out. "I think…I…" Tony closed his eyes. "I'm gonna be sick," he gagged suddenly, raising back up onto his knees and leaning over the toilet again. "Oh God," he coughed. He took a shaky, tentative breath after a minute, and raised a shaking hand to his forehead.

"Want me to call someone?" Gibbs asked. He didn't know what to do to help. Obviously something needed to be done, but he couldn't figure out what. Tony shrugged. He didn't know what to do. Gibbs took a deep breath, thinking back over all of the events of the DiNozzo's visit…of everything that happened while they were here and everything that happened after they left. The pieces were falling into place, but oh shit Gibbs didn't know how to handle this…if it was anyone else, he'd have it under control…but this…this was Tony…and after everything…he steeled himself for what was to come.

"You panicked when your step-mother hugged you."

Tony raised a confused gaze at him. "Step mom?" he asked. "What are you talking about?"

"Your father told me that your mom is actually your step mother. They were married when you were five."

Tony blinked several times, trying desperately to remember. "She told me to call her Mommy," he finally spoke in a small voice. "I didn't know what else I would have called her. She was the only mom I remember," he said sadly. "And dad…dad was great…but he was gone so much…and when he was gone…mom would…she'd get sad…and then she'd drink…and then she'd tell me how lonely she was. She always let me sleep in her bed with her when my dad was gone."

Gibbs let out a long breath. He rubbed Tony's back soothingly and squeezed his shoulder before pulling him into an embrace. "How old were you?" he asked softly. He rested his chin on top of Tony's head.

Tony clung tightly to him. "I don't know," he whispered. "It was always that way…for as long as I can remember."

Gibbs ran his hand over the back of Tony's head, holding him closely. Tony didn't seem afraid with him. A thought struck him then. "Is this why you refused to ever discuss your childhood or your parents with Cheryl?"

Tony nodded. "I never could name it," he said. "I just…I always knew there was something there…something happened that I've worked hard to forget. But it's…" he was quiet for a long moment before he spoke again. "Gibbs…Jethro…your mom…your mom didn't…she didn't dress you up when you were a kid, did she?" There was some reluctance in his tone, some fear.

"What do you mean?" Gibbs asked cautiously. This was not good. NOT. GOOD.

"I mean like…in her favorite outfit…her favorite costumes?"

"She made me get dressed up for church every week and helped me fix my belt and my tie until I was old enough to do it myself," Gibbs said. "You mean like that?"

Tony shook his head slightly, still snuggly inserted in the warmth of Gibbs' embrace. "No," he said softly. "I mean like…dress you up…like to play?"

Gibbs' eyes widened and he felt sick. "No Tony," he said softly, sympathy in his tone, even though he tried to hide it. "No we never played like that."

Tony was quiet for a long time. "I felt like maybe she was lying to me," he said eventually. "I didn't think all of the other kids did it too…we never talked about it…no one ever mentioned it…if everyone was doing it…if it was…" he shuddered, "if it was normal…wouldn't someone have mentioned it?"

"Yes," Gibbs said. "Normal stuff gets talked about—especially when you're kids. You talk about things like eating your vegetables and taking baths and brushing teeth and stuff like that."

"Seeeee," Tony said softly, "and no one ever mentioned playing dress up with Mommy. And she…" he shuddered again.

"She what, Tony? What'd she do? Talk it out."

"She told me that everyone did it," Tony said sadly. "But she told me that it was a special time between mommies and little boys…She told me never to tell anyone, not even Daddy." Tony looked upa t Gibbs then, confusion on his face dawning into a sick realization. "Oh God," he said, his voice cracking.

"C'mon," Gibbs said. He tugged Tony to his feet. "Let's get you out of here. C'mon you look like you could use some air."

Tony stopped in the doorway. "Did she leave? Are they gone?"

Gibbs nodded. "Your dad wants you to call him," he said quietly.

Tony closed his eyes and took a moment, trying to get himself together. When he opened his eyes and looked at Gibbs, the expressive green eyes were troubled and full of fear and self-loathing. "Why did I remember today? Why now? All of a sudden?"

"I don't know Tony," Gibbs said.

"It was like…the minute she touched me…it felt wrong…and she…Jesus she grabbed my ass right…right _there,_" he indicated the living room just steps away. "She…she judged me for being gay…God…Gibbs…did she make me this way?"

"No," Gibbs said gently, putting his hands on Tony's shoulders. "No she didn't make you gay. You were born that way babe. You didn't make the choice, and she didn't turn you gay. I promise. OK?"

Tony nodded slowly. "Why would someone do that to their kid? I was her son! HER SON!" Anger was replacing sadness and regret.

"I don't know Tony," Gibbs said softly.

Tony paced around, growing angrier with each step. "Don't I have enough shit to deal with?" he grumped. "Isn't my plate already full? Could I not just leave this buried and not have to think about it? Why the hell did they come to town? What could they possibly…have hoped…" Tony raised a hand to his chest. "Oh God," he puffed out. He gasped hard. "Shi…it…" he gasped again, and his eyes filled with fear. "Gih—" he gasped again.

Gibbs raced to him and caught him as he stumbled. "Ok, ok easy," he tried to keep his voice calm, but he was scared shitless. Was Tony having a heart attack? Had his mother given him something while she was in the bathroom with him? Gibbs eased him down on the couch and pulled out his phone with shaking hands. He quickly dialed 911 and in seconds had an ambulance en route to Tony's apartment.

Tony was still gasping for air. He seemed confused and scared and Gibbs smiled reassuringly down at him. "Gonna be ok," he said, wishing he could promise. "I'm right here," he brushed his fingers through Tony's hair. Why, oh why, couldn't Tony have a break? "Ambulance is coming. You just rest. Focus on breathing and do not go to sleep. You hear me?"

Fingers clutched tightly at Gibbs' hand and Tony nodded. Tears were streaming down his face and he clutched wildly at his chest. It wasn't long before the EMTs arrived and Gibbs told them about Tony's parents coming to visit.

"Did your mother give you anything?" one of the EMTs asked Tony. Tony blinked several times and stared at them. Finally he shook his head.

His eyes rolled back a bit and Gibbs shook him. "Stay with me," he barked.

"W-with…with you…Jethro," Tony slurred, eyes fluttering again.

The EMT strapped an oxygen mask over Tony's face and he and the other EMT lifted him onto the gurney. Tony's eyes widened slightly and he slung a hand out looking for Gibbs, despite the straps holding him down.

"I'm right here," Gibbs gave Tony's hand a squeeze. "I'm following you to the hospital."

"N-nooo," Tony moaned. "G-go wit'me…please…please go…wi' me…"

Gibbs rode with Tony to the hospital. He was quickly exiled to the waiting room until he explained that Tony was under federal protection and was not to be left unattended. He was then given permission to stand outside Tony's room until the doctors were finished examining him. Gibbs stood at the cubicle window, hands in fists, wondering what the hell was going on. He could see leads and wires and monitors set up, but was getting no information. Finally a nurse poked her head out. "You can come in now," she said softly. "But don't excite him while he's resting."

"Wait," Gibbs said, his nerves getting the best of him. "Is he…did he have a heart attack?"

"Oh heavens no," the nurse said reassuringly. "I can't believe no one told you or I would have let you know. No dear, he just had a really severe panic attack. He's going to be just fine. We've given him some medication to calm him down, and he's sleeping now. He'll be released as soon as we get his blood pressure stabilized."

Relief washed over Gibbs like a tidal wave. "Thank God," he breathed.

"I am very sorry no one explained what was happening to you. You're the agent who rode in with him, aren't you?"

"Yes," Gibbs breathed.

"Come on inside," the nurse said, ushering him into the cubicle. "I'm sure he'll feel better with you close by."

Gibbs moved quickly to Tony's side, taking in the IV with the medication pumping into him, the oxygen still strapped over his face, the heart monitor leads and blood pressure cuff that was attached to his lover…and he wondered how they'd gotten here. It occurred to him that he should call and let someone know…but he didn't know who, and at that moment he wasn't leaving Tony's side to make the call. Perhaps he'd send Ducky a text message in a few minutes. Or call Cheryl. Or he'd wait until they got home and then call.

The nurse poked her head back in a couple of minutes later and smiled. "His readings are balancing out. You must be good for him," she said with a sweet smile.

"I try," Gibbs said, ruffling Tony's hair lightly. "Attaboy Tony," he said softly.

Tony stirred lightly under his touch and slowly blinked his eyes open. Gibbs smiled down at him. "Hey," he said softly. He looked up and saw that the nurse had gone away again and pressed a kiss to Tony's forehead. "How you feeling?"

"Mmmm like shit," Tony breathed. "They g…gimme something'?"

"Yeah," Gibbs said. "Not sure what it was, but they had to get you calmed down."

"'m calllllmm," Tony said with a lazy smile.

"I see that," Gibbs said with a light chuckle. He kissed Tony's forehead again. "Scared the shit outta me," he said, lips still pressed against Tony's head.

The quiet, relaxing moment quickly passed when the cubicle suddenly burst open and two agents scrambled into the corridor, guns drawn, anxiety on their faces. Tony blinked in confusion, wondering who the men were and why there were guns, and he gasped softly. Gibbs glared at them before turning back to Tony, who was starting to panic slightly. "It's just the agents," he said. "Calm down babe."

Tony took a deep breath and yawned before his eyes slid shut again, trusting Gibbs to keep him safe.

"What are you two boneheads doing?" Gibbs hissed.

"We heard the ambulance at the apartment. And then we heard that there was a federal agent in distress and realized the ambulance was for DiNozzo…we spent the last two hours trying to figure out which hospital y'all went to," one of the agents told Gibbs.

Gibbs rubbed his forehead. "It's alright. Tony had a panic attack. He wasn't attacked. It's my fault I told you to go to the deli and not stay with us. From now on though, we'll both follow protocol," he told the two agents, who both nodded. "So hopefully we can keep something like this from happening again."

Gibbs worked it out with the nurse so that he could stay in the room with Tony, and the two other agents could stand outside. The nurse spoke with the doctor who agreed that as long as Tony got to rest he didn't see the problem with them staying.

A few hours later, well after dark, Gibbs led a groggy Tony up the front steps of the house. The agents had cleared it, and he locked the door securely behind them. He got Tony into bed and let out a long breath, watching as Tony almost instantly dropped off to sleep. Gibbs glanced at the clock. It was only about seven-thirty in the evening, but he was weary and tired. He stretched out on the bed next to Tony and a moment later sat back up with the realization that he hadn't called Cheryl or Ducky. Knowing that they'd both want to know what happened, and knowing that Cheryl would likely set up an appointment to talk with Tony about what happened with his mother, Gibbs hesitated, unsure of what to do. Ordinarily he'd just make a snap decision, but with everything that Tony had been through—and it seemed that list of things was growing more with each passing hour—he was hesitant to take that control away from Tony now.

Taking a chance, Gibbs shook Tony's shoulder. "Tony? Babe? Know you're tired, but open your eyes for a minute."

Tony stirred and finally blinked owlishly up at him. Whatever they'd given him was still working, and he smiled blissfully. "Heeyyyy Jet," he breathed. "Sleepy," he rolled over towards Gibbs and snuggled up a bit.

"Tony," Gibbs shook his shoulder. "I need to ask you something. You remember your panic attack today?"

"Mmmm," Tony hummed and nodded slightly.

"We need to tell Cheryl and Ducky about it," Gibbs said. "You want me to call them? Or do you wanna call them?"

Tony stilled. A moment later he rolled to his back and blinked hard several times trying to fight the drugs. "What'd…give me?"

"They gave you something to help you calm down at the ER. Do you remember?"

Tony blinked again and Gibbs thought maybe he'd dozed off because his eyes were closed so long. "I remember," he forced out finally. "Why…do we need…tell anybody?"

"I thought you were having a heart attack!" Gibbs breathed. "You scared the shit outta me. I need to tell someone even if you don't. Do you wanna do it together or do you want me to do it? Or do you want to?"

Tony yawned. "You do it," he mumbled, his eyes sliding shut. "Tell Cheryl…Ducky…"

"Cheryl is probably going to want to talk to you about your childhood if we tell her. Are you ok with that?"

Tony blinked again. "I need to," he whispered. "Need to get help for it."

Gibbs kissed his forehead. "Ok. I'll make the calls. You just rest. I'm right here ok?"

Tony scooted over and smushed his face against Jethro's hip. "Kay," he said just before he drifted off to sleep again.

Gibbs pulled out his cell phone and stared at it for a long moment. Finally he dialed Ducky's number. The Scot answered the phone promptly, inquiring about Tony's condition. Gibbs stopped for a moment, wondering how Ducky knew, then he realized that Ducky was asking about Tony's injuries from the day before—he didn't know anything about what had happened today.

"I thought he was dying Duck," Gibbs said softly into the phone. "He was grabbing at his chest…couldn't breathe…I thought he was done."

Gibbs listened as Ducky validated his fears and encouraged him to be honest with how he was feeling. "_Have you called Cheryl, Jethro? This is a big deal…and for Anthony to have reacted in such a strong fashion, I imagine she is going to want to speak with him about this."_

"He hasn't wanted to talk about his family since the beginning," Gibbs said. "But he told me to tell her. Told me he needs help."

"_Jethro has he said what happened between him and his step-mother?" _

"Bits and pieces…he was talking a bit before…and then all of a sudden…Jesus Duck I thought he was dying. Scared me," he admitted softly.

"_I understand that dear boy. I'm sure anyone in your situation would have been frightened."_

"It made me think…made me remember when…when they died," Jethro said. "I couldn't fix things then…I can't magically fix things now…"

"_No, but you can do for Tony something that you weren't in a position to do for your dear girls,"_ Ducky said gently.

"What's that?"

"_You can be with Tony now. Just be with him. You don't have to have all the answers—and that wouldn't help him if you did. Anthony needs to discover his own path and his own truths, and he will do it in his time. What he needs from you most if your love and support—which I know you have loads to share."_

The two chatted for a while longer, before Gibbs finally ended the call so he could phone Cheryl. Tony hadn't stirred while Gibbs was on the phone. Gibbs took a sip of coffee and stared at the phone for a long moment before he flipped it open. He quickly dialed Cheryl's number and felt the tension in his gut relax ever so slightly when she answered quickly.

"_Hi Gibbs,"_ she said.

"Hey," he said quietly.

"_What's wrong?"_ Cheryl immediately picked up on the odd tone in Gibbs' voice.

"Something…uh…happened today. After we left you," Gibbs said. Even with permission from Tony, he still felt like he was somehow betraying him by talking about it.

"_I'm assuming you wanna talk about it since you called me,"_ Cheryl pressed gently.

"I um…well…Tony and I went back to his apartment this afternoon. And while we were there his parents showed up…well. His father and step-mother. Anyway. I noticed right off the bat that something was up with the relationship with Tony's step-mother because she just seemed…too affectionate with him…and he excused himself and she followed him. I stayed in the living room and had a conversation with his father and all of the sudden she comes back into the room, gets Tony's father and says they have to leave. She says she doesn't think Tony wants to see either of them and his father says to have him call later on. So I go find Tony and he's in the bathroom gagging and heaving and pale as a ghost and shaking like a leaf. And he's mumbling about how wrong things were and how awkward and terrible it is and how screwed up that relationship has always been…he wasn't making a lot of sense. So we got him cleaned up and he started pacing and he…he had a panic attack…I thought…oh God Cheryl I thought he was dying and he kept grabbing at his chest and saying it hurt and saying he couldn't breathe and he was gasping and heaving and sweating and…we went to the hospital. They ran some tests and realized it wasn't a heart attack like I thought…they gave him something to calm him down and sent him home. He's sleeping now. He gave me permission to call you."

"_My goodness. You two just can't catch a break,"_ she commented.

"And we had such a good day," Gibbs commented, and if Cheryl didn't know better she'd have sworn that he was pouting.

"_Gibbs did I understand correctly what you implied about Tony and his step-mother?"_

"Yes. He hasn't given me details much, but he did say I could tell you. He said he needs to talk about it—doesn't want to but needs to—and that he needs help."

Tony rolled to his back and sucked in a slow, deep breath. Gibbs stopped talking for a moment, watching Tony. His forehead creased and his mouth turned down in a deep frown. His hands began moving, looking as though Tony was batting someone away—as though he was trying to keep someone from touching him.

"No," Tony whispered. "No st—" he gasped, the sharp intake of air cutting off his words. "Guh…noooo…" he made several choking noises and shook his head desperately.

"Call ya back Cheryl," Gibbs said, cutting her off mid-sentence. He snapped the phone shut before she could reply. "Tony," he called. "Tony wake up," he touched Tony's shoulder lightly.

Tony let out a low groan and his brow creased more. He shook his head again, the movements stiff and jerky, but with an urgent hint to them that Gibbs found quite disturbing. "Won't tell," Tony whispered. "Please…please stopppp…won't tell…swear I…I won't…stoppp…sto—NO! NO STOP! PLEASE! PLEASE STOP!"

"Tony wake up!" Gibbs' voice was much more firm and Tony's eyes shot open. He gasped loudly and lifted a hand to his head. Gibbs noticed that Tony's hand was shaking and moved slowly into Tony's line of sight. Tony sucked in a deep breath when he saw Gibbs, but relaxed a second later when he recognized him.

"Jesus," Tony breathed.

Gibbs eyed him carefully. "Ok Tony?" he asked gently. "You were having a nightmare."

Tony yawned. "No shit," he whispered.

"No shit," Gibbs said with a sad smile. "Looked like a bad one. Wanna talk about it?"

Tony's face looked haunted for only a moment as the memory passed over him. "No," he whispered. "No I'm good. Thanks." He refused to meet Gibbs' gaze.

Gibbs' cell phone rang. "Who's that?" Tony asked.

"Cheryl calling me back," Gibbs said, glancing at the caller ID. He flipped the phone open. "Yeah, Gibbs." A moment later he asked Cheryl to hold. "She wants to talk to you," he said.

Tony pushed himself up slowly in bed and yawned. "I don't really wanna talk to anybody tonight, Jethro," he said, his voice just above a whisper. Gibbs could easily see the fear and doubt in Tony's face and nodded. "He's asleep," Gibbs said softly into the phone. "He had a nightmare, but he fell asleep again." His eyes never left Tony's face.

xxx

Across town, Cheryl was sitting on her couch with her phone pressed against her ear. She wasn't deaf. She'd overheard Gibbs whispering to Tony just a moment earlier. Now Gibbs was telling her that he was asleep. She knew Tony'd had a long couple of days, and knew that he needed to talk about some things. She also knew that if he wasn't ready to talk that he wouldn't say a word.

"Gibbs you can tell Tony I am not going to force him to talk," she said gently.

She smiled when she heard Gibbs speak to Tony and tell him what she'd said. A moment later he came back and sounded a bit sheepish. _"He um…he's had a long day…they gave him something at the hospital to help him sleep so he's still pretty groggy…"_

"Tell him I'd like to talk to him tomorrow."

Gibbs spoke to Tony and then to Cheryl. _"He said that'd be ok with him."_

"I just checked my book," Cheryl said. "I have a free session time tomorrow afternoon, if you'd like to come into the office."

_"Sounds good,"_ Gibbs said. _"What time?"_

A few moments later, Cheryl hung up the phone and looked at it on the table. She was troubled by the limited amount of information she'd gotten from Gibbs about what Tony experienced. Panic attacks of that caliber—so severe they were confused with a heart attack—were serious, and not to be messed around with. She hoped that Tony would open up to her and talk to her about his childhood. He hadn't wanted to do that, and she hadn't pushed, but now, it seemed, they would have no choice.

If Tony wanted to be cleared to go back to work, he was going to have to do a lot of talking about some very unpleasant things.

TBC…


	38. Bad Idea

_**WARNING: This chapter contains more insight into Mrs. DiNozzo's background…we're going to learn some dark and disturbing facts about Tony's step-mom. If you want to skip over parts of the chapter—ESPECIALLY THE FLASHBACK!, you can PM me and I'll fill you in. Content may be disturbing to some readers. I'm making the legal system bend to my needs here too, so if things are not all factual, that's why.**_

_Special thanks to my wonderful friend for all of your help with this story._

**No Chains Holding Me  
><strong>**Chapter 38: Bad Idea**

Gibbs sipped his lukewarm coffee and glanced out the bedroom window. The sun was just beginning to peek over the horizon and it was nearly 7am. Tony was still asleep, likely exhausted after a fitfully restless night of nightmares and memories. His sleep had been reduced to catnaps, and he hadn't really noticed that each time he woke, Gibbs was beside him. Still dressed. Still wide awake. Still drinking coffee.

Oh yes, Leroy Jethro Gibbs got no sleep that night.

The senior agent let out a quiet sigh and got up off the bed. He carried with him a substantially large stack of papers that he'd printed off the computer the night before. While Gibbs was not sleeping, he'd managed to do some investigating on the computer. He didn't make it a habit, and he didn't let on to the others that he could, in fact, do a thorough internet search without McGee's help, only that he had enough skills to get by. He'd been looking into the background of Tony's step-mother. It hadn't taken much digging to learn that Anthony DiNozzo Senior was married to a woman named Mary Peterson. What was surprising, was that upon digging into Mary Peterson's life, he'd found financial information dating back to nine months before she married Tony's father…and then the trail stopped. It was as if Mary Peterson didn't exist before that time.

So Gibbs did what he does best. He'd growled at his computer, slapped some buttons on it and tried a different search. This time Gibbs took a chance and cross-referenced her birthdays with social security numbers. It was a bit of a stretch, but he'd smirked with satisfaction when he saw that there was another Mary, with the same hometown, born on the same day, whose social security number was merely one digit off from Mary Peterson's. Mary Lou Schwartz had mysteriously disappeared the same day that Mary Peterson had shown up. Interesting. Gibbs didn't believe in coincidences, and this was no exception. So he dug a little deeper into Mary Lou Schwartz's past.

What he found was quite disturbing. At the time of her "disappearance," Mary Lou Schwartz was a new divorcee, and the mother of a child…a little boy…whom she'd relinquished all rights to. She'd lost a great amount in the divorce settlement—her home, her car, her jewelry…but most of all her child. The little boy, Jason was his name, was only seven years old at the time. But Little Jason was the reason for his beloved parents' divorce. And what had come out in the civil hearing for the divorce had sent a chill up Gibbs' spine—something that was difficult to do. The boy's father, Mary Lou's ex-husband, was convinced and had proof that Mary Lou had acted inappropriately with their son. He'd gone so far as to hire a private investigator to find out just what all had happened. What the private investigator discovered led Mr. Schwartz to not only file for divorce, but to press charges against his wife on behalf of their son. Charges of sexual assault, molestation, sexual abuse…after the divorce was settled, Mary Lou was indicted on the charges against her child. She managed to work a deal with her lawyer and with the state. Relinquish all parental rights. Give up any hope for visitation—supervised or otherwise—with young Jason, and forget that he exists. In exchange, she served six months in prison—out of her two year sentence early for good behavior and an early parole. Once she was finished with her probation and community service, Mary Lou packed her bags and she moved away.

When she arrived in Long Island she lost a few pounds, colored and cut her hair, and got a new identity. And it wasn't long before she was hobnobbing with the local wealthy elite—taking a special shine on a young widower—Mr. Anthony DiNozzo Senior. He was a lovely man with a lovely fortune. And…the icing on the cake…he had a small son. Anthony Junior. It was all too perfect, really.

Gibbs lowered the papers and ran a hand over his forehead. He glanced at the clock and then at Tony who was still asleep. He'd rolled to his side and was curled up in a little ball, huddled beneath the covers. Gibbs felt sick every time he thought about the hellish things Tony had been through. His stepmother had done…God only knows what to him…but it had impacted Tony's entire upbringing and childhood. Then when he got to college he was drugged and raped by Marta, his girlfriend. After that he managed to get himself back on track, embrace his sexuality, get into a healthy relationship for once, only to be drugged and raped undercover without backup. Gibbs tossed the file on the foot of the bed and stood up. Jesus. What a mess. But…Gibbs was a man of action. And now he had a mission. His mission was to figure out a way for Tony to get the perfect life he'd always wanted—however Tony defined that—and to make sure that nothing ever stopped him from getting it and keeping it.

The phone rang at precisely 8am, and Gibbs knew without looking that it was Ducky calling to check on them. He looked at the phone and was surprised when he saw it was Abby calling. "Yeah Gibbs," he spoke softly. He didn't wanna leave the room, but he didn't want to take a chance of waking Tony up either.

"_Hi Bossman!"_ Abby chirped.

"_Hey Boss,"_ Kate's voice rang through.

"_G-goodmorning Gibbs,"_ came McGee's nervous chuckle.

"_Jethro! Goodmorning dear boy,"_ Ducky added.

Gibbs smirked. His whole team called. He glanced at Tony again to make sure he was still sleeping, then stepped out into the hall. "Morning guys," he said tiredly, exhaustion suddenly washing over him like the tide on a beach. "What's up?"

"_Well we called to see how you guys were doing,"_ Kate said. _"We haven't heard from you in a couple of days."_

"It's uh…been a rough couple of days," Gibbs said uneasily.

"_Is Tony alright?"_ McGee spoke up.

"He's…got some challenges. But we're working through them."

"_Director said he took you a box of cold cases,"_ Kate said_. "Do you need anything else?"_

"Thanks Kate. And no, I think for now we're alright. I'll be sure to give you a call if we need anything."

"_Gibbs I sent Tony an email,"_ Abby said.

"He hasn't been on the computer in a couple of days," Gibbs told her. "But I'll make sure he gets it."

"_Thanks Bossman!"_

"_Jethro, have there been any more instances like yesterday?"_

"No, not so far. He's gotten some rest, so hopefully he'll have a better day. We've got another appointment with his counselor later on today."

"_Excellent,"_ Ducky praised. _"Sounds wonderful. Keep me posted, would you?"_

"Sure Duck," Gibbs said. "I'm gonna go. I figure he'll be waking up soon. Gotta make more coffee."

All of them saw through the excuse, but no one said anything. They exchanged "call me's" and "talk to you laters" and Gibbs hung up the phone.

Tony was still asleep, but his sleep had grown restless again. Sweat had beaded on Tony's forehead and he looked worried. Even in his sleep he was getting no peace. Gibbs glanced back at the file on the bed; the pile of paper had so much damning evidence to explain some of what Tony seemed to not remember about his childhood. He remembered playing dress-up with Mommy…remembered sleeping in her bed if Daddy was away…but was there more? She grabbed his ass—two handfuls of it—in front of Tony's boss—that could have been career-ending! Gibbs wanted answers…he didn't know how to get them, but he thought it best to share his findings with Cheryl before the session today.

Before Gibbs could decide if he wanted to call and speak to Cheryl, his phone rang. A glance at it told him that it was not his phone that was ringing. It was Tony's phone ringing. Tony stirred slightly and blinked a couple of times as Gibbs pounced on the phone. He glanced at it and didn't recognize the number. He flipped it open.

"Agent DiNozzo's phone," he answered gruffly, his tone soft.

"_Who is this? Why are you answering Tony's phone?"_

"Who is this?" Gibbs answered. But he had a feeling he already knew.

"_This is Tony's father. He was supposed to call me last night. Who is this?"_

"This is Gibbs. Tony wasn't feeling well and turned in early last night. I was going to have him call you this morning."

"_Well it's important that I speak with him. In fact, could you pass me over to him now?"_

Gibbs glanced over at Tony. His younger lover was awake now, his eyes at half mast. He looked warm and snuggly and Gibbs wanted nothing more than to hop in the bed and have his way with Tony, doing him every way to Sunday and back, but he knew that would NOT fly. Tony didn't look fully aware yet, in fact, looked a bit like he could doze back off. Good. He needed the sleep. The dark circles under his eyes were getting too dark again.

"He's not awake yet," Gibbs said softly. "I'll have him call you later."

Senior must have realized that he couldn't move Gibbs on this, because he sighed. "_Fine_," he relented. _"But it's very important that I talk to him."_

"I understand," Gibbs said. "I'll pass along the message."

"_See that you do."_ The line went dead. Gibbs smirked and closed the phone.

Gibbs set the phone on the table and turned back to Tony. He was watching his partner through a heavy-lidded gaze, blinking slowly. Gibbs laid down on the bed next to him and Tony moved slightly closer. "How you feelin?" he asked softly.

"Slee—py," Tony replied, his voice breaking off into a yawn halfway through the word.

Gibbs smiled and brushed his fingers over Tony's temple. Tony's eyes seemed to close reflexively when he did that, so he did it again, rubbing a soothing pattern of relaxation that quickly eased Tony back into sleep. "Get some sleep babe," Gibbs whispered. "I have a feeling you're going to need to be well rested to get through everything you're going to face today."

xxx

Tony sat huddled in the corner of the couch in Cheryl's office. How had things gotten so fucked up? Yesterday they'd been rejoicing over the progress that he'd been making…and now it felt as though he was back at square one again. He was exhausted by the one-step-forward two step backwards routine he seemed to be making. Gibbs had run out to get coffee while they were in the waiting room, leaving Tony alone with the two agents who were far more hovery today than they'd been in the past. When Cheryl called him back and looked around for Gibbs, Tony had shrugged and said he'd be back, but that he didn't mind coming back with her as long as there was the understanding that Gibbs would be allowed to join them as soon as he returned.

Cheryl was sitting in her chair, facing Tony, clipboard ready. There was a peaceful smile on her face that lied about how she was really feeling. She was dealing with a good bit of internal anguish over what she and Gibbs had discussed earlier…what she would now begin discussing with Tony.

"Ok Tony," she said, gently. "I heard your parents came to visit yesterday."

Tony nodded slowly and his eyes dropped to his lap. "Yeah they did," he said quietly. "Was good to see them, even though it was…unexpected."

"They didn't tell you they were coming?"

"They never tell me anything," Tony snorted softly.

"I heard from Gibbs last night that you got pretty upset while they were visiting," Cheryl said. "Wanna tell me about that?"

"I just…was stressed anyway. And they…my mom hugged me too tight. I don't like that so much, ya know?"

Cheryl made a note on her clipboard and nodded. "Yes," she said. "Did you ask her to stop?"

Tony rubbed the back of his neck and winced at the question. "Um…well…not—not exactly."

"It was making you feel uncomfortable though, right?"

"Yeah," Tony whispered.

"What happened when you got upset?" Cheryl was pressing a bit now.

Tony shrank back on the couch a bit. "I um…it got um…hard to breathe and stuff…and I kinda felt like I might be sick…and um…well I got dizzy…"

"Gibbs said he thought you were having a heart attack," Cheryl said. "Did you think you were having a heart attack?"

"I don't know," Tony shrugged noncommittally. "I've never had a heart attack to know what one feels like. I know I didn't feel well though."

"Works for me," Cheryl said with an easy smile.

At that moment there was a knock on the door. "That's Gibbs," Tony said nodding his head towards the door.

Cheryl got up and opened the door to see who was knocking. Sure enough, Gibbs was standing behind the door. She glanced at Tony. "How'd you know that was Gibbs?" she asked.

"I recognized his knock," Tony said with a smirk.

Gibbs shook his head and stepped into the room. He passed Tony a cup of coffee and sat down beside him.

Cheryl sat back down in her chair and looked at Tony. "You recognized his knock?"

"Oh sure," Gibbs said. "He can recognize people by their knocks, the way their keys jingle, all sorts of things. He's funny that way," Gibbs smiled affectionately at Tony.

"Gibbs we were just talking about how Tony was feeling yesterday afternoon when you thought he was having a heart attack," Cheryl said, bringing him up to speed. Gibbs took a sip of coffee and nodded. Cheryl turned her attention back to Tony. "I know you don't want to do this," she said, somewhat regretfully, "But we need to. We're going to have to address this before I can clear you. We're going to have to talk about your family Tony."

Tony took a long, nervous sip of coffee and didn't respond. Gibbs watched his reaction carefully, his gaze moving back and forth between Cheryl and Tony.

"Don't see why," Tony said softly. "It's fine. I'm fine today. Whatever I said yesterday was under the influence of drugs—which we will be discussing—" he said pointedly at Gibbs, "and I should not be held responsible for it!"

"Tony," Gibbs jumped in. "Your stepmom…she…"

"She's my mom Gibbs. Only mom I remember. I mean I know my bio-mom died when I was little, but she's my mom. You don't have to call her my stepmom."

"Your mom grabbed your ass Tony. Two hands full of your. ass. Right in your apartment," Gibbs said. "Doesn't that bother you?"

"It obviously bothers you more than it bothers me," Tony said coolly. "What's the matter? You can't handle my family?"

"That's not what I said Tony, and you know it," Gibbs said. Tony was trying to twist it around and get the focus off of him.

"Tony can you fill me in on your relationship with your parents?" Cheryl asked.

"No," Tony said mulishly, shaking his head. "It's not relevant to anything we're doing. It's not important. I don't even hardly see them or talk to them. They are busy, successful…they have lives—why do they need me?"

"Maybe because you're their son?" Gibbs asked.

"That's not what I meant," Tony said. "You're twisting my words around!" He was starting to get angry.

"No one is twisting words," Cheryl mediated gently. "We need to keep our focus here. Now Tony. I am concerned because you got upset enough with your parents visiting that you ended up in the Emergency Room. We need to figure out what caused that to happen and we need to work out ways for it to not happen in the future."

"It's never happened before," Tony said. He rose to his feet and he began pacing. "I don't understand why there's all the attack on my parents here, Doc," he said, whipping around to face Cheryl.

"I um…Tony there's something you need to know," Gibbs said, reluctance heavy in his tone, almost wincing, even as he spoke the words. "About your mom."

Tony's gaze snapped to Gibbs' face and his eyes darkened. Gibbs refused to back down, refused to let Tony's emotions overtake what he'd learned today. His partner could growl and snarl and bitch and moan all he wanted, but this…this was true, and Tony needed to hear it, whether he liked it or not.

"What the hell Gibbs?"

Cheryl looked at Tony. "I think you'd better sit down and listen to what Gibbs wants to tell you," she said. It sounded like she was making a suggestion, but Tony knew she wasn't.

"I'm not sitting down. Anything Gibbs wants to tell me he can tell me with me standing right here. I'm a big boy. I'm not interested in any lies though, so you'd better be able to prove anything that you're going to say against my family. My parents are weird and wacky but they're mine and they'd never hurt me," Tony said firmly.

"I need to tell you about a woman named Mary Lou Schwartz," Gibbs said.

"Who's that?" Tony snapped.

"Mary Lou lived in Cincinatti, Ohio. She was an attractive young woman, and got married at a relatively young age. While she was married, she and her husband had a child. A son. His name was Jason."

"Why are you doing this?" Tony's voice was cold and bitter. He knew this "Sit-Rep Game" that Gibbs was playing—they'd done it a thousand times in the bullpen if they'd done it once. He just couldn't figure out the catch.

"Jason was seven years old when his parents got a divorce. Mary Lou's husband filed for divorce from Mary Lou. He cited child endangerment and irreconcilable difference as his reasons."

"Child endangerment? What'd she do? Why are you telling me about some strange woman that I've never heard of?"

"It came out in the divorce that Mary Lou had been sexually abusing and molesting her son. She was charged and sentenced to jailtime for her crimes. Part of her punishment was relinquishing all of her parental rights to Jason. She served six months in jail before she was let out for good behavior. She got a good parole deal."

"Good for her," Tony said. "So what?"

"So after she got out of jail she moved away. Changed her name. Changed her hair. Lost some weight. She did all of that right before she met her second husband. He was a successful business man who was father to a small child. A little boy about five years old."

Tony was still trying to figure out why he was being told this twisted story. "You said Mary Lou changed her name," he said slowly. "What'd she change her name to?"

Gibbs looked levelly at Tony, regretting what he was about to do. "She changed her name from Mary Lou Schwartz to Mary Peterson. Once she got married she changed her name to—"

"Mary DiNozzo," Tony breathed. "But that's impossible. You've got it wrong."

"Ok," Gibbs said with a nod. "Where'd I screw up?"

"My mom isn't from Cincinnati," Tony said matter-of-factly.

"Where's she from?"

"She's from Cleveland," Tony said smartly.

"I'll double check to make sure I'm not wrong," Gibbs agreed, "But I am not sure I'm buying that Mary Lou Schwartz disappeared the same day Mary Peterson showed up in the same town—with the same birthday, and only one number difference in their social security numbers. Mary Peterson fit the description of Mary Lou Schwartz too," he said softly.

"So what, you're saying my mother is a child molester? That she's a pedophile?"

Gibbs took a deep breath and did not break Tony's steely gaze. "That's what I'm saying," he said firmly.

Cheryl reached under the paper on her clipboard and produced a manila folder. "Here Tony," she said. "Here's the information. You can look at it."

"You've already seen it?" Tony asked Cheryl incredulously. At Cheryl's nod, Tony whipped back around to Gibbs. "What the hell Gibbs? Are we back to keeping secrets from Tony? Is that what you're doing?! What the hell are you trying to prove?!"

"I'm not trying to prove anything Tony. I'm trying to help you," Gibbs said firmly.

"Oh yeah with help like this I might as well hand you a gun and let you blow my fucking head off," Tony snapped. "You know what," he raised his hands in resignation. "I'm not doing this. I'm outta here. Screw this, and screw you Gibbs. That's my family you're talking about. My goddamn family. You can go to hell!" He walked out the door without a backwards glance.

Gibbs looked at Cheryl. "Did I screw up?" he asked softly.

"No," Cheryl said, assuring Gibbs that he'd done the right thing. "Sometimes our loved ones aren't ready to hear what they need to hear. This is hard for Tony—and likely more difficult because, as you said, he doesn't remember a lot of what happened between him and his mom. This is going to be tough Gibbs. It's not an easy road."

"Have any of them been easy?" Gibbs snapped, rising to his feet and pacing where Tony had been only moments before.

"No," Cheryl agreed. "They haven't. But it's been worth it, hasn't it? All the work you've done?"

"Yea," Gibbs agreed. "I just hope…that in the end it doesn't end up costing me…everything," he said softly.

"I'm sure you and Tony will work things out," Cheryl said.

The speaker on the wall sounded off suddenly. Cheryl rose and hit the button, silencing the chime. "Yes?"

_Dr. Hodges you are needed in the lobby immediately_, came the voice of Cheryl's secretary.

"I'm in session," Cheryl responded. "I can't just—"

"_It's your patient Doctor. He looks like he's having a panic attack. He stopped walking suddenly and grabbed his chest and—"_

Gibbs was already on his feet, but Cheryl put her hand up. "He's too upset with you right now. I'm going to bring him back here, but you sit tight ok? Give me just a few moments with him to help calm him down. We'll be back."

Gibbs nodded and stood in the doorway, watching as Cheryl made her way to the waiting room. He wondered what had happened to set Tony off again, if he was the cause of it. Wondered if there was ever going to be a day when Tony would catch a break.

He sure hoped so.

xxx

Tony stormed down the hall and slammed open the door to the waiting room open. He stopped in the doorway when a young mother and her son looked up sharply at them. The young woman was straightening her child's school uniform—adjusting his little tie to be exact—and Tony froze. He was just as surprised by them as they were by him. The child looked at him and shrank back against his momma, his eyes wide and fearful.

"Jesus Christ," the boy's mother hissed. "What are you doing? Are you trying to scare him to death?" She turned the little boy back towards her so he was facing his mother. She straightened his tie and smoothed his collar and smiled at him as she brushed her fingers through his hair, shoving it back from his eyes. "Mommy's little man," she murmured affectionately and smiled.

Tony's jaw dropped open and his eyes widened. He leaned heavily against the wall as the memory washed over him.

_**Flashback**_

"_You're growing into such a handsome little man Anthony."_

_Manicured hands reached for the tie on his shirt, straightening the sailor's collar before fingernails scratched lightly through his hair. _

"_You enjoy playing dress up with Mommy don't you baby boy?"_

"_Yes Mommy," Tony answered._

"_Let's play a new game today," Mommy said._

"_What game Mommy?" Tony liked that his mommy wanted to play but he didn't always understand the games that he and Mommy played._

"_We're going to have a race," Mommy said._

_Tony smiled. He enjoyed races! "I love races Mommy!" he exclaimed. "Where are we racing to?"_

"_We're going to stay in the bedroom and have a race," Mommy's voice was softer now and she had a funny look on her face._

_Tony was confused. "How do we have a race if we don't go nowhere?" _

_His mommy laughed. "We're going to race…whoever can get all of their clothes off first wins!"_

"_But I just gotted dressed!" Tony giggled. Sometimes Mommy was funny._

"_And Mommy will help you get dressed again when we're finished with our game," Mommy promised._

_A little later, Tony was laying on the bed staring at the ceiling. Now they were playing a new game. They were playing the statue game—that's when Tony had to pretend to be a stone statue—he wasn't supposed to move or make any noise! And Mommy's job was to try to get him to make noise and move. If Mommy made him move then he lost. Tony always lost. He bit his lip today and stared harder at the ceiling._

_He would win today. He. would. win._

_**End Flashback**_

Gibbs realized what was happening, just about the same time Cheryl was getting down the hall to where Tony was. He tore off after her, calling her name every step of the way. "Cheryl! Wait! Cheryl stop!"

Cheryl stopped in the doorway. It was obvious that Tony was not well, and it was obvious that he was making Cheryl's next clients in the waiting room uncomfortable.

"Elizabeth you might want to take Davy and get him a snack while we finish up here and then be back at the top of the hour," Cheryl said. "Or maybe a couple of minutes afterwards."

The young mother took her son by the hand and quickly hurried from the waiting room. Gibbs raced into the waiting room just as Cheryl was approaching Tony. She hadn't heard Gibbs' warning.

"Tony why don't you come back in here and we'll—"

"STAY AWAY!" Tony shrieked.

"It's alright Tony you are safe. C'mon now we'll make it right. We'll fix it," Cheryl pressed. She was standing right in front of Tony now. She raised her hands to touch his arms, but something slammed into her, knocking her out of the way. She stumbled to a stop and looked at Tony just in time to see him lash out in fear at whatever he was seeing in front of him. Tony's powerful arm swung wildly and Gibbs blocked the first arm, but didn't block Tony's other arm in time. The powerful swing caught Gibbs on the jaw and sent him sprawling. Quick as a flash he was back on his feet and grabbed Tony in a bear hug, facing him, getting in his space so that Tony couldn't block him out or get away.

"It's me Tony. It's Gibbs. You're safe. Come back now. C'mon. Calm down."

Tony struggled against him for just a moment before he froze, staring at Gibbs, his eyes and mouth wide with the horror of what he'd just done.

"Let's go back inside ok? We'll talk it out. It's alright. You're safe."

"I hurt you," Tony whispered, raising a shaking hand to Gibbs' face where he'd hit his lover.

"You didn't hurt me," Gibbs assured him. "I'm fine. I'm ok. C'mon Tony. Let's go talk to Cheryl."

"Cheryl…" Tony looked around. Cheryl was standing back a bit to give them some space, smoothing her hair back into place. Her face was filled with concern and a frown creased her features. "Cheryl," Tony whispered. "I'm…did I hurt you?"

"No Tony," Cheryl said, reassuring the young man. "I'm just fine. And so are you. Let's go talk ok?"

"I'm sorry," Tony whispered.

Gibbs relaxed the bear hug, but Tony shook his head. "No don't let go," he whispered, leaning towards Gibbs again. "Please. It's not safe."

Gibbs wrapped one arm around Tony's shoulders and hugged him to his side. "I've got you. You are not dangerous. It's fine. I promise."

Tony stared at him for a long moment before dropping his gaze with a resigned nod. Gibbs nodded at Cheryl and they moved back into her office. Tony sat down on the couch and stared out the window. He was very quiet and very still.

"We're having dinner with his father tonight," Gibbs said. "He said it's the entire reason they came to town—so he could meet with Tony."

Cheryl glanced at Tony who was still staring out the window. He seemed to have tuned them out. "Is that wise?" she asked in a low voice.

"I'm not sure but I'm fairly certain we're not going to get them to leave town until we do this," Gibbs said. "And I think you can understand why I'd want that woman far, far away from my partner."

"Can you press charges?"

"No," Gibbs said softly. "Not for Tony. There's a statute of limitations…the only way to press charges would be to find out she's molesting a kid now. Tony's experience, coupled with her past would give us probable cause to open an investigation. It'd have to go through the FBI though, because it crosses several state lines and involves a Federal Agent."

"Goodness," Cheryl said. "Sounds complicated."

"And exactly what he does not need right now," Gibbs said, looking pointedly at Tony.

They began working quietly on an action plan for ways to help Tony get through the rest of his day. Cheryl and Gibbs both invited Tony to help them with the slow process, but Tony adamantly refused. He sank lower into the couch and settled against the soft cushions. Gibbs and Cheryl were seated at the table in the middle of the room. They were making lists and plans and backup plans and backup plans to the backup plans. They wanted Tony to feel like a success at the end of the day.

"How can I tell if he needs out without causing a scene?" Gibbs asked finally. They were nearing the end of their hour and needed to wrap things up. They glanced at Tony occasionally, but he hadn't moved from his spot on the couch. He'd picked up the little rubber band ball off of Cheryl's toy shelf—something nobody was daring to point out—and he was fidgeting with the ball slightly. He stared out the window and his expression was bleak. He looked like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders.

He looked like he'd just realized that his whole life he'd been completely on his own and fending for himself.

"It might be good if you two came up with some sort of coded message that you could use to say if Tony needs to leave."

"I have an idea," Tony spoke up suddenly. "I know exactly what to say."

xxx

A couple of hours later, just as it was getting dark, Gibbs and Tony pulled into the Adam's House Restaurant. It was a swanky penthouse restaurant on the top floor of one of the prominent hotels in town—The Adams House. The valet stepped up to Gibbs' window but Gibbs waved him off when he felt Tony tense. He knew that his partner was nervous about the evening, but they'd told themselves that dinner would be fine—it would be short and simple, and since they were only meeting up with Tony's dad, it had helped Tony to relax a bit.

Tony had been excessively quiet all afternoon, conserving his energy and trying to get himself pulled together enough for what was coming. He stayed near Gibbs, but didn't want to be touched a great deal. He still felt incredibly guilty over what had happened at Cheryl's office earlier in the day. He still couldn't believe that he'd nearly struck her—if Gibbs hadn't shoved her out of the way then Tony likely would have hit her. And as hard as Tony was swinging, it probably would have hurt her too.

Gibbs parked his car and they stepped out together. Tony stayed close to Gibbs, and Gibbs stayed just behind Tony's left shoulder, hand resting lightly on his lower back, guiding him carefully through the car park and traffic to the entrance of the hotel. When they arrived they hopped on the elevator and headed for the penthouse. When they got there they gave the Maître d their reservation and with a smile, the young man led them to their table. Tony gasped and nearly stumbled when he saw his step-mother sitting at the table with his father. He heard Gibbs curse softly under his breath and could feel the tension rolling off of him in waves. Stepping out beside Gibbs he offered him a brilliant smile—the brightest smile Gibbs had seen in days—and he hooked his arm on Gibbs'.

"I'm so glad you're with me," Tony said genuinely.

Gibbs smiled and patted the hand that was hooked on his elbow. "Me too," he said. "I'm proud to be invited."

Tony's partner was intrigued by what he saw. Tony had been falling apart only moments before—it seemed to Gibbs that the only reason he'd made it inside the hotel at all was because Gibbs was propelling him. But now, in the face of his parents and their judgment and their inappropriate behavior, now Tony seemed to be drawing on an inner-strength. He was slipping into "undercover mode." Gibbs hadn't seen him do it—or do it this flawlessly—since just before the case with Jeffrey White began. His face lightened up, his eyes were bright, the brooding posture from earlier had straightened into a confident swagger.

Gibbs was impressed, to say the least.

"Darling!" Tony's mother exclaimed.

Gibbs had to give Tony credit. He didn't even flinch.

"Hi Mom," Tony said with a bright smile. He slid into the booth across the table from his mother and father.

"Oh Anthony trade places with your father so we can sit together and catch up," Mary DiNozzo gushed.

"Oh no it's ok, I'm going to sit with Jethro," Tony smiled. "We rarely get to sit on the same side of the booth! Usually it's just the two of us and we don't want to look like we are going to act inappropriately with each other," he said sweetly. "Isn't that right Jethro?"

Gibbs nearly choked on his tongue. "Yep," he said with a curt nod.

"Well," Mary said with a wistful sigh, "I suppose I'll just have to admire from afar then," she said.

"How've you been dad?" Tony asked, completely ignoring the comments Mary made.

"Well I've been doing really well, Junior, really well. But you know how things are…it's always an up and downhill slope—ya win some ya lose some."

Gibbs stared at Tony's parents intently wondering what the hell Senior wanted. The waiter showed up and took their drink orders and Senior ordered an appetizer. "Hope everyone likes mushrooms," he said with a plastered grin on his face.

"Tony's allergic," Gibbs said coldly.

"Ohhhhhh," Mary said. "Do you still get those icky awful hives all over you?"

"Yeah," Tony said tightly.

"Why don't you call the waiter back over here and order some food we can all eat?" Gibbs snapped at Senior.

"It's ok Jethro," Tony said, laying his hand on Gibbs' arm.

"No it's not! He knows you're allergic! What the hell?" Gibbs motioned for the waiter.

"Can I help you sir?"

"Cancel the mushrooms," Gibbs said. "And bring me a menu."

"Right away sir," the kid said and hurried off.

"Jet you don't have to scare the poor kid," Tony said.

Gibbs looked at him for a long moment. He was feeling so mightily protective tonight that it was a wonder he'd even allowed Tony to sit at the same table with his mother. He narrowed his eyes when he suddenly felt the unmistakable sensation of a pointed toe shoe tracing up the inside of his calf. "That's not your husband's leg," he growled at Mary.

Tony's eyes widened when he realized what had happened. "Take it easy Mom," he said snarkily. "Jethro's all mine. You can have Dad," he said, trying to break the ice at the table. Gibbs was getting angrier by the second. Honestly though, Tony was more than a little disturbed by how blatantly obvious she was making advances on him this evening. Why was she doing this? Had she always been this way and he'd just never noticed it before? He took a nervous sip of water. "So Dad," he said, swallowing hard. "Why'd you wanna go to dinner tonight?"

"Do I really need a reason to want to go to dinner with my only son?" Senior asked gallantly. It was almost believable. Almost.

"We've missed you so much, Anthony," Mary said. "We wanted to spend some time with you."

"You got lucky," Gibbs said. "If we'd been working I wouldn't have let him off to come."

As the meal progressed, Tony's thoughts drifted farther and farther away from the conversation at the table. He was going back over everything in his head. How many times had Mary abused and molested him? How many times had she performed acts on him that should only ever be done between consenting adults? Was she really the woman that Gibbs said she was? Was it really possible that his mom—his sweet, caring, many times inappropriately behaving mom—could she really be the child molesting pedophile that the evidence made her out to be? Had she done this to other kids? Did she really have a son named Jason who was taken from her by his father and the court system because she'd been so horribly inappropriate with him?

Tony's head spun with questions. He picked at his food, not really eating as much as scooting it around on his plate. He was tired. He wanted to go home. His hip was hurting where he'd shaved the skin off with the razor the other day.

Finally, the waiter brought dessert. Gibbs declined. "I don't like nuts," he said. Tony almost snorted out loud at the double intent of the statement his lover had made.

Gibbs took a sip of bourbon and set his glass on the table. "You never answered Tony's question," he said softly. "You lied to him instead."

Senior stopped and stared at Gibbs' blunt accusation. "What are you talking about?"

"When he asked you why you wanted to meet up and spend time and go to dinner. You didn't want to see him. So why'd you come?"

"Of course we wanted to see you!" Mary exclaimed, but Senior raised a hand to stop her.

"You're right," he said reluctantly and Tony's head shot up to stare at his father. "Seeing Tony is not the only reason we are here."

"Figures," Tony muttered. "How much?"

"What?" Gibbs asked. He hadn't wanted to think this before, but now…oh this was worse than he thought.

"How much money do you want Dad?" Tony asked resignedly.

"Just a little loan Junior," Senior said with a broad grin. "You heard about that dip in the market a couple of weeks ago? We lost a lot of money in a deal then. We just need…a little bit. You know, to hold us over. It's a loan Junior. We'll pay you right back as soon as this next deal goes through. I'm getting in on something really good now and the return on the loan is going to be magnificent."

"No way," Gibbs said firmly, shaking his head. "Not gonna happen."

"Now Gibbs," Senior said. "I understand that you and my son are quite close. But that does not give you the right to make financial decisions for him!"

"Oh but you see," Gibbs said with a predatory grin. "Tony and I have joint accounts. So his money is mine and mine is his. So if you get a loan from him you're getting a loan from me. And honestly I don't make bad investments, and you can't afford the interest I'd charge on the loan," Gibbs said with a triumphant smile.

"Is that true Junior?"

Tony was leaping for joy inside his head. He and Gibbs didn't have joint accounts anymore than he had a joint account with Ducky. But his father didn't know that. "Yep," he agreed with Gibbs, lying to his father's face. He felt relieved that he wasn't going to get screwed over this time. "It's true."

"Jethro couldn't you two slide us…just a small loan?" Mary asked, her voice as smooth as silk.

"Nope," Gibbs said.

"Hey Gibbs," Tony said, putting his hand on Jethro's arm.

"Yeah babe?" Gibbs asked sweetly, his blue eyes filled with concern and boring into Tony's emerald eyes.

Tony smiled. "I think it's time for Kate to go for a walk," he said.

"What on earth are you talking about?" Mary DiNozzo asked as Tony and Gibbs moved out of their side of the booth. "Where are you going?"

Tony turned around and smiled. "Goodbye Mom," he said. "Goodbye Dad."

"Where are you going?" Senior repeated Mary's question.

"We're going to take Kate for a walk," Tony repeated.

"Who is Kate?" Mary asked, exasperated.

Tony looked at Gibbs and smiled brilliantly. "She's our dog—a shih-tzu!"

"C'mon Lover Boy," Gibbs said affectionately. "Let's get outta here."

And together they turned and left Tony's parents sitting—broke—in the fancy restaurant—with no money to pay for the dinner they'd just eaten. The only time Gibbs stopped on the way to the door was to hand their waiter some money—enough to cover his and Tony's meal and a tip. Then they headed out the door without a backwards glance.

xxx

As soon as they reached the parking lot, Tony ducked into the bushes and threw up everything he'd just eaten. Gibbs, expecting this would likely happen, already had his handkerchief out and ready for him. "Ok," he said softly. "Here you go, let's get outta here yeah?"

Tony coughed and spit one last time then nodded.

"I've got you," Gibbs said, wrapping an arm around Tony's shoulders. "Just lean on me and we'll get there."

"We need to celebrate," Tony said as they got into the car. "Feel like we need to have a party or something."

"Yeah?" Gibbs asked curiously. "Why's that?"

"I've never not gotten screwed by my parents before." Gibbs smiled. "And that line about us having joint accounts was pure brilliance. I never woulda thought of that."

"You're learning from the master," Gibbs said with a wink. They drove for a little bit before an idea struck him. "Celebration eh?"

Tony smiled. He looked tired, but was still functioning. Gibbs figured it wouldn't last. "Yeah," he said softly.

Gibbs smiled. "Wanna stop for ice cream?"

xxx

The waiter returned to the table where Tony and Gibbs had been sitting with Tony's parents. "Alright, the two gentlemen who were just here settled up their half of the bill on their way out," the kid said with an easy smile. "Here's your check, I'll take it whenever you're ready."

Senior snatched the black leather folder from the kid and sneered at him. The waiter stood patiently by, waiting.

"What are you doing?" Senior snarled.

"I'll take your check whenever you're ready," the waiter replied politely.

"Maybe I don't want you to stand over me while I decide how to pay?" Senior snapped.

"Very well sir. I'll be back with you in a moment."

The waiter moved out of Senior's line of sight. He still had a full view of the table. He alerted the Maître D that there was a problem. He watched as Senior and Mary tried to sneak away from the table. The Maître D stopped them and asked them about their meal. The police had already been notified that there was a couple trying to leave without paying.

Senior and Mary tried to talk their way free of the wait staff, but it seemed everywhere they turned they ran into someone else who was trying to be helpful. They let out a long, collective sigh when the two police officers arrived. This was turning out to be a bad idea all around.

TBC…


	39. Upheaval

_Special thanks to my good friend for all your help with this story. Your courage is truly an inspiration to all of us.  
><em>_Extra special thanks to Lightsnshadows for your brilliant idea that you shared with me…I hope you enjoy!_

**No Chains Holding Me  
><strong>**Chapter 39: Upheaval**

Much to Mary and Senior's surprise, the officers were quite amicable. They asked if there was a problem, and when Senior told them what had happened, how they'd asked Tony and Gibbs for money and how they'd refused to help them, the officers seemed to take a bit of pity on them. "Do you know anyone you could call in a favor to?" they asked.

Senior balked, not sure who to call, but Mary nodded eagerly. "I certainly do," she said, whipping out her cell phone. "I don't know why I didn't think of it sooner." She quickly dialed, not looking at Senior, who was watching her, confused by her sudden excitement. "Hello Andy? Hi darling it's Mary. How are you?" She listened for a moment. "I'm so glad you're having a good week, Love. Listen Sweetheart, I need a favor. Can you do a favor for Mommy?"

"Mommy?!" Senior sputtered. "What the hell are you talking about? Who the hell are you talking to?"

"One second Dear," Mary said into the phone. She turned and looked at Senior. "It's a term of endearment Darling," she said sweetly. "Andy calls all the women in his life 'Mommy.' It's nothing." She turned back to her phone conversation. "Do you still have that number I gave you?" She listened for a moment. "Yes, honey, that one. I need to borrow it." She made a scribbling motion with her hand. The waiter handed her a pen and scrap of paper. Mary quickly wrote down some numbers and other information. "Our silly son decided he didn't want to buy dinner after all…left us here quite in a lurch with no way to pay. The restaurant even called the cops on us! Can you imagine!" She listened for a minute more. "Thank you Darling. We'll speak soon. Kisses!" She hung up the phone.

"That is the weirdest conversation I've ever heard you have," Senior said.

Mary ignored him and held out the scrap of paper she'd been writing on. "Here is the credit card information for Andrew Tylor," she said. "He's a friend of mine and willing to pay for our meal." She sniffed at the waiter. "See boy," she said. "No need to act so irrationally. There was no need to get the police involved."

"I did that," the Maître D said. "Do not blame your server. He was merely doing his job."

"Well, whatever," Mary said. "I want this bill paid. And I do not appreciate the way we were treated. We will not be back."

"That is no great loss for us Madam," the Maître D replied dryly.

With a sniff of disgust, the DiNozzos left the restaurant.

xxx

Gibbs and Tony stopped at the local ice cream parlor and walked inside. Tony's stomach still felt a bit unsettled with the events of the day, but the cool treat seemed to have always been soothing to him, so he thought maybe he'd be alright. Gibbs ordered a caramel sundae with extra nuts. Tony noticed this with a smile, remembering how Gibbs had said he hated nuts at dinner with his parents. He stared at the menu, trying to decide what he wanted.

"I want a strawberry cone," Tony finally said softly. "Just one scoop please. Sugar cone, not a waffle cone."

"Coming right up Gentlemen!" the girl behind the counter chirped. Moments later, the cold, sweet treats were passed across the counter. Tony and Gibbs sat down at the table near the door and began eating. They didn't talk much, and dinner was not mentioned.

"I miss the team," Tony said softly, taking a long lick of his ice cream cone. "Abby, Kate, everyone."

"Well, we could try to get together with them if you'd like," Gibbs suggested.

"I uh…I dunno if I'm ready to try that…I mean look at how Christmas turned out," Tony said nervously.

"What about a smaller group. We could have, say, McGee and Palmer over for a movie night one night. And then have Kate and Abby over another night."

Tony dipped his head. "Shoulda thought of that," he muttered. "I feel like an idiot."

Gibbs put a hand on his arm. "Don't feel that way," he said gently. "It's easy to see the smaller steps when you're on the sidelines. You're facing the world carrying all of this on your shoulders. Think of all the family members we deal with at work—they're always overwhelmed. They don't know where to go next or what to do. It's understandable that you sometimes get overwhelmed."

"Try most times," Tony said. He took another bite of his ice cream. "It's like…I can see the big picture. I miss all of my friends. But then I get so overwhelmed by thinking of all of them together—because really, who _doesn't _get overwhelmed by that—" he laughed nervously, and Gibbs smiled. "But it's like I lose my focus. I want to figure out how to deal, but it's hard. It's all so big. It's like I'm in a dark room and I don't know where to go."

"You know, sometimes the hardest part about being in a dark room is not being able to find the light switch," Gibbs said sagely.

Tony looked at him, surprised. "Um. Who are you? What have you done with my partner? You know him? The functional mute?"

Gibbs stared at him for a long moment before they both chuckled, and the tension was broken. Gibbs rubbed a hand over Tony's shoulder, pleased that after everything that happened today, Tony could still manage to laugh and would still allow him to touch him. Hell, the fact that they were in a public place…that fact alone was proof of Tony's progress. "I'm proud of you, ya know," Gibbs said.

Tony snorted and took a small lick off of his cone.

"No really," Gibbs said, and Tony looked over at him. "Think about it. A month ago would you have been able to come back from the panic attack you had today? Would you have been able to pull it together enough to go to dinner tonight, put on your happy face, eat, have a difficult conversation, and then after all of that, go out to get ice cream—eat again—and entertain the idea of having friends over?"

"I don't think I could have done that two weeks ago," Tony said softly, staring at his lap.

Gibbs whacked him gently over the back of the head. "Exactly! So quit beating yourself up over having to take some baby steps. You're doing fine. You're making progress."

"Yeah," Tony said. "I mean…I've had some setbacks…"

"Everyone experiences setbacks," Gibbs said reasonably, licking the caramel off of his spoon.

"But sometimes it's good to take a step forward," Tony said with a smile. "Sometimes it's scary but it's worth it usually."

"Yeah?" Gibbs asked mildly, licking the caramel from his lips now.

"Yeah," Tony leaned over and kissed him gently. "But you know what I've learned?"

"What's that?" Gibbs asked. He really wanted to kiss Tony again, but waited, not pushing.

"I've learned that it's easier when you have someone to help you," Tony said. "I couldn't have done this without you. Not today or any of the other days, Gibbs."

"You're fine Tony," Gibbs said, rubbing his shoulder again. "You'd find your way without me."

"I don't think I would. I would have given up by now," Tony whispered. "I don't know what I'd do without you." He leaned over and wrapped his arms tightly around Gibbs' neck. "I love you."

Gibbs returned the embrace and kissed the side of Tony's head gently. "I love you too Sweetheart," he said softly, tightening his arms around his partner. "I love you too."

xxx

By the time Anthony DiNozzo Senior and his wife made it back to their hotel room (that they now had no way to pay for), Senior was angry. "I think you've got some explaining to do," he said to his wife, his voice cold. "I want to know who the hell Andy Tylor is, why he calls you Mommy, and why you could use his credit card to pay for dinner tonight."

"Relax," Mary said. "Andy's just a friend. He knows I'll pay him back."

"Where do you know him from?!"

"Remember all that volunteering I did at the afterschool program a year or so ago?" Mary asked. "You remember, the one for troubled teens up on Long Island?"

"I remember," Senior grumped. He poured himself a shot of scotch—three fingers, one cub of ice. "What about it?"

"I met Andy there! He's one of my boys," Mary said coolly. "What's your problem Anthony? You're the one who wanted me to get involved in the volunteering in the first place!"

"I wanted you to get involved with organizations who could potentially be backers for us! These stupid insignificant afterschool programs don't do me any good! And they don't do anything to you but make you want another child around the house!"

"I'd say it did you some good tonight," Mary said dangerously. "After all, it was _my _connection that kept us out of jail tonight, wasn't it? It certainly wasn't any of your so-called friends."

"You are approaching a line, Mary," DiNozzo said dangerously, his eyes like molten jade. "Make sure you are prepared for the consequences if you cross that line."

Mary paled slightly. "You wouldn't leave me, would you?" Her eyes filled with tears and she looked truly sad.

Anthony felt his anger fade. "Ah I'm sorry," he said contritely. He opened his arms and welcomed her into a warm embrace. "I'm just upset from tonight I think. It got to me."

"I don't like the influence Leroy Jethro Gibbs has on our son," Mary said. "Did you see the way he treated us? It was as though he was offended by us!"

"We can't choose Anthony's friends for him now," Senior said. "Not like we did when he was a boy. He works for this man. Has worked here for years. He's happy here and seems to have a good life here."

"He had a good life in Long Island, and he couldn't wait to get away!" Mary retorted. "He needs to come back to us, rejoin his family, take up his rightful place at home with his parents."

"He's a grown man!"

"He's acting like a child! And children," Mary smiled darkly, "Need to be at home with their parents."

xxx

Tony was absolutely exhausted by the time they got home. "I really just wanna go to bed," he said softly. "Sorry…don't mean to be such a party pooper." He looked regretfully at Gibbs, who shook his head.

"Get some rest. Want me to come up?"

"Sure," Tony said. Gibbs reached out and grabbed Tony's hand and together they walked up the stairs. "Probably should let Cheryl know I didn't end up in the ER again tonight," Tony said softly as they ascended the stairs.

"I'll call her if you like," Gibbs said.

Tony fell onto the bed like a tree that'd been cut down. "God I'm tired," he mumbled. He shoved his hand up under his pillow and froze. "Gibbs," he whispered.

"Tony?" Gibbs turned around from where he was changing his shirt, a look of concern brewing on his face. "What's wrong?"

Tony's face paled and he looked sick. "There's something under the pillow," his voice was hoarse. "I'm not sure what it is…but it feels like a—"

"AGENT GIBBS! AGENT DINOZZO! WE NEED TO EVACUATE YOUR HOUSE! WE'VE JUST RECEIVED WORD THAT THERE'S A—"

"A bomb?" Gibbs asked softly. He'd moved Tony's pillow, taking care to keep Tony's hand very still. Tony was lying with his face almost on top of a bomb large enough to blow the entire house. It was long and flat, about the size of a laptop computer, with wires and cords and it looked like Tony's hand was right on the detonator.

"Gibbs I didn't know," Tony's eyes were squeezed shut. "I'm sorry."

"No apologies," Gibbs said, giving Tony's leg a pat. "You ok to hold that position for a minute?" Tony nodded shakily. "Get me a bomb squad!" he barked. "I'm going to kill that sonofabitch when I find him," Gibbs muttered. They all jumped at the sound of sudden gunfire from somewhere inside the house.

Tony whimpered and a shudder tore through his entire body. "Easy Tony," Gibbs said. "Ok now it's alright. I'm going to look out the window ok?"

"No," Tony whispered raggedly. "No not safe please don't."

The Agent at the bedroom door who'd been screaming into his cell phone, now had his finger pressed against the com in his ear. "Agent Gibbs," he said. "Bomb Squad is on its way. There's a report coming in…It is suspected that Ari Haswari has been shot in your basement. The shooter was not one of the agents. Agents are moving into position to get more info."

A fine sheen of sweat had blossomed on Tony's forehead and his eyes were squeezed shut and his entire body was trembling.

"Tony, Tony you gotta stay calm. You can't let your finger move off of that trigger. Just relax Babe. Bomb Techs are on their way. You ok?"

"Sure," Tony whispered. "Just peachy. No complaints here. Just another day in the neighborhood, ya know?"

Gibbs ran a hand over Tony's hair. "Just hang in there. If you need out let me know."

"You just gonna pick up the bomb and set it aside so I can get up then?"

Gibbs snorted. "Don't you think I'd do that if I could?"

"Agent Gibbs you need to go outside," the agent at the door said, somewhat reluctantly. "The bomb squad is ordering the house to be evacuated…except for Tony."

"I'm not leaving him," Gibbs said. "And I will go all the way to the director with that. Now get them up here and get my agent out of here!"

"Shooter has been taken into custody, pending identification," the agent reported.

"I don't give a damn who the shooter is. I want the bomb squad in here," Gibbs snapped. He sat down on the bed right beside Tony and put a hand lightly on his shoulder. Tony's eyes were still squeezed shut and he was trying to keep his breathing under control.

"You should go," Tony mumbled. He blinked his eyes open slowly. "Go outside."

"I'm not leaving you," Gibbs said firmly.

"Gibbs," Tony said tiredly. "It's bad enough that I can't move. I don't want to be the cause of you dying if I suddenly twitch a finger."

"Tony—"

"Please go," Tony whispered.

Gibbs leaned over and pressed a kiss to Tony's temple. Tony's face relaxed a bit and he let out a shuddery breath. Gibbs stood up with a heavy heart, knowing that Tony needed to feel like Gibbs was listening to him. The other agents in the room watched with a mixture of shock and dismay as Gibbs did the one thing he'd always vowed never to do. Was he really going to turn his back on Tony? Leave him there alone? Would he really leave a man—his man—behind?

He made it as far as the door before he stopped, tears filling his eyes. He put his hand on the door frame and he bowed his head. He stood there for only a minute before he took a deep breath, shook his head, and turned back around. He sat back down on the edge of the bed. "I can't leave you," he said, running his hand over Tony's hair. Tony's eyes were closed again.

"But—"

"Hear me out," Gibbs said.

Tony didn't speak, so Gibbs took the opportunity to keep explain himself. "I can't leave you because I have nothing outside that door for me. You are my life. You're the only reason I want to wake up in the morning. If I go outside and something happens to you, the only thing I'm going to do is eat my gun. I'd rather stay with you, and us be together. If we get out, then we're both going, and if the bomb explodes, then we're both dying together. I am not going to leave you. I'll never leave you."

Tony opened his eyes, filled with tears, and reached out his free hand to Gibbs'. He clutched tightly at his partner's fingers. "I'm sorry," Tony whispered.

"Don't apologize. You did nothing wrong."

"Did they get him? Is Ari gone?"

"That's what the reports coming in are saying. Ari's gone," Gibbs said, glancing up at the agent who nodded.

"He planted a bomb in our house," Tony said tiredly.

There was some noise out in the hall on the stairs, and a moment later several guys from the bomb squad at NCIS came in the room. "Agent Gibbs," the squad leader said. "The bomb is on the bed, correct?" Gibbs nodded. "Alright then, I need you to head outside. DiNozzo, we'll get you outside with Gibbs as soon as—"

"I'm not leaving him," Gibbs said. "Promised him."

The agent in the doorway spoke up, "Sir, I've got Dr. Mallard outside."

"Get Haswari's body out of here. I want the autopsy to be done, and I don't want to take any chances on anything messing any evidence up. Let Ducky know."

"On it Gibbs." The agent headed down the stairs, talking on the phone.

Gibbs turned his attention back to the bomb squad. The leader of the squad was talking to his partner, and they were trying to figure out a way to get Tony off of the bomb. "…that should just…about…have it…"

Everyone in the room tensed as the bomb tech clipped the wire near Tony's face. A second later they all breathed a sigh of relief. "Ok DiNozzo," the bomb tech said. "Raise up."

"Are you sure?" Tony's voice cracked when he spoke.

"Yep. Go ahead and sit up. We're clear."

Tony moved to push himself up and Gibbs was at his side instantly, hooking his hands under his arms and pulling him close. "Got you. I got you. You're ok." Tony clung to Gibbs and together they stood. Tony's legs were shaking and he was deathly pale. "C'mon," Gibbs said softly. "We'll go slow. We're walking out of here. Remember what I told you? We'd go outside together. Remember that?"

Tony nodded, leaning heavier against Gibbs. They made their way downstairs. Ducky was loading Ari's body into the back of the ME's van. Once they got outside, Ducky gave Tony a quick once over and declared him healthy, if a bit shaken up. But really, who wouldn't be shaken up after that?

Gibbs led Tony to the car. He spoke on the phone to the Director, told him what his plans were, assured him he'd keep his phone handy, and got Tony into the pickup truck. Tony wanted to ride up front. The instant Gibbs slipped into the front seat beside him, Tony had slid across the truck's bench seat and was clinging tightly to Gibbs' hand and arm. Gibbs started the truck with his left hand awkwardly, but was glad that he wasn't driving a manual. "Ok Tony?" he asked.

Tony nodded shakily, but didn't speak. Gibbs pulled the truck out into traffic, smiled at the lack of protection following them—there was no need for it now that Ari had been identified as deceased. Tony was tense beside him, watching intently as they headed up onto the interstate. He didn't speak, didn't ask where they were going, didn't care. He was with Gibbs, and he was safe. He was content to sit next to Gibbs, touching him, smelling him, hearing him breathe and mutter about traffic and idiot drivers. They passed the first sign for Stillwater after about two hours and Tony tensed more.

"Tony? Talk to me," Gibbs said softly.

When Tony didn't answer, Gibbs glanced at him. Tony was still clinging tightly to his arm. He didn't seem particularly scared, but he was staring intently straight ahead. His eyes were affixed on something somewhere near the dash. Gibbs didn't push him to talk yet. He figured Tony was still trying to process everything that had taken place. Gibbs knew he was. He guided the truck through the dark night, pointing it north and shuttling it as quickly towards Stillwater, Pennsylvania as he could.

It was only an hour or so outside of the city when Gibbs pulled off into a Rest Area. He led Tony to the restroom and they each relieved themselves, and then headed back for the car. Gibbs pulled out his cell phone and called Cheryl. The counselor was surprised at the events that had taken place, but was pleased to hear that (so far) Tony hadn't had any panic attack from it. Cheryl told them to enjoy some time away from everything, and to call her if they needed her.

After speaking on the phone with Cheryl, Gibbs made another call. He was pleased when his father, Jackson, picked up.

"_Good evening Leroy,"_ his father said, and Jethro could hear the smile in his dad's voice.

"Dad," Gibbs spoke softly, trying to keep his voice calm. "How ya doin?"

"_Oh I can't complain,"_ Jackson said, and Gibbs could hear the easy smile in his father's voice. _"How are things with Tony?"_

"Things are just…we need a break," Gibbs said. "Thought we'd come up for a visit."

"_You know you are always welcome here,"_ Jackson said. _"Is Tony coming with you?"_

"Oh yeah," Gibbs said patting Tony's thigh gently. "Don't think I'm letting him out of my sight anytime soon."

"_When are you coming?"_

"Soon," Gibbs said.

"_How soon? I'll head to the store in the morning, pick up a few things. Will you be here tomorrow?"_

"We'll be there in about um…two hours," Gibbs said, a bit sheepishly.

"_Oh! Why didn't you call me sooner? I'd have—"_

"We didn't know earlier…but just…Dad…" Gibbs sighed and ran a hand over his forehead. "Some things have happened. And Tony…he needs to get away for a while. And I know it's sudden…but I thought…"

"_You don't even have to call and let me know you're coming son,"_ Jackson said. _"You know that. And you know Tony is welcome to join you any time he wants to. I'll make up the guest room for him. I'm sure he'll be wanting some sleep. It's late."_

Gibbs glanced at the clock and saw that it was nearly midnight. "I didn't realize it was so late Dad," Gibbs said. "Did I wake you?"

"_Nope,"_ Jackson said. _"Now why don't you hop off this line and focus on driving and I will see you in a bit. Tell Tony not to worry about the short notice. Knowing him I'm sure it's bugging him."_

Gibbs glanced at Tony. His eyes were fixed on their joined hands now, not on the dash as they'd been earlier. He still had yet to speak. He hadn't uttered a peep since they'd left the bedroom at their house. Gibbs wondered how this was going to affect him. Wondered if he was choosing not to speak or if he was unable to form words yet.

"See you soon Dad," he said.

"_I'll leave the light on for you. Drive safe."_

Gibbs hung up the phone, gave Tony's hand a squeeze, and pulled back out onto the interstate.

xxx

It was nearing two in the morning when the old white pickup truck rolled to a stop in front of the country farm-style house in Stillwater. Gibbs slid out of the truck's driver seat and was a bit surprised that Tony slid out right behind him. It seemed he wasn't ready to relinquish their physical contact yet. That was fine with Gibbs. He didn't mind. And he didn't think his father would have any issue with it. Jethro recalled Tom and Phil—two local men from town when he'd been a child. They'd been good friends with his parents, and neither parent had ever made an issue out of the fact that they lived together. Most of the people in town bought the story about them being cousins, but Jackson and Anne had figured them out early on and made it plain that as far as they were concerned they could be as comfortable in the Gibbs' home as they could in their own home. There was no need to hide their identities from their real friends. The friendship had lasted for many years until Phil had died, quite suddenly, of a heart attack several years earlier. Tom, broken hearted, had packed up and left town not long after that. Jackson still got Christmas cards from him each year. He was living in Florida now, in a retirement community. He loved the heat and was absolutely miserable without his "cousin" by his side. Gibbs thought he'd heard Jackson say that Tom and Phil had been together for nearly 40 years.

Jethro wasn't worried about his dad in that respect.

He was a bit surprised when Jackson opened the door and turned on the porch light. Tony flinched back from the sudden light and Gibbs saw Jackson frown slightly. "Hi Leroy, Tony," Jackson called in to the dark, quiet night.

"Hi Dad," Jethro responded. He and Tony made their way up the three steps to the porch and were quickly ushered inside the warm house.

It didn't take Jackson long to figure out that Tony wasn't talking much. He stepped up to Tony and looked him right in the eye. Running a gentle hand up the outside of Tony's arm, he frowned a bit when Tony jumped at the touch. "I'm glad you're here Tony," Jackson said. "You're safe here." Tony's eyes flickered up to meet Jackson's and the gratefulness in his eyes nearly broke the old man's heart. "I bet you're tired," Jackson said. "I fixed up the guest room for you. Jethro's bunking in his old bedroom." He turned and started towards the steps, but stopped when Tony gasped suddenly.

Jethro quickly eased them both down onto the couch. "Ok…easy Tony…it's ok. You're not going to be alone," he murmured.

Tony leaned into Jethro, burying his face in his chest and clutching his shirt with his free hand. Jethro wrapped his hand lightly around the back of Tony's neck, a gentle and compassionate embrace that wouldn't make the younger man feel at all trapped. Jackson retreated from the steps and sat down in the wingback next to the couch. "Is he alright?" he asked his son quietly.

Gibbs leaned back against the cushions of the couch, bringing Tony along with him, and let out a long breath. "Been a hell of a day," he said softly.

"What happened Leroy?"

Gibbs tightened his embrace around Tony's trembling shoulders. "Guess it all started yesterday. His parents came to visit. Unexpectedly."

Jackson knew that there was bad blood between Tony and his parents, but hadn't ever learned the reasons why. Now though, it seemed as though he was about to learn more than he wanted. "How did that go?" he asked cautiously.

"Well we ended up in the ER last night for a panic attack. Thought he was dying Dad. Thought after all of this he was going to have a heart attack and I was going to…going to lose him."

Jackson thought Leroy's choice of words was interesting, but chose not to comment. He stayed quiet, knowing that if he interrupted his son, Leroy would shut down again.

"Then today…today we had to go to counseling. I did some…research…into Tony's background and his childhood beforehand…it all came out during the counseling session though. He got pretty upset." Gibbs could feel Tony tensing as he gave his father the update on what all had been going on. He ran a soothing hand up and down Tony's shoulder before continuing. "After counseling…we had dinner with his parents. Dad I was so proud of him—you shoulda seen him!" Gibbs smiled at the memory of how well Tony had pulled himself together in front of his parents. "It was like watching him go undercover. It was flawless—you'd never know anything was wrong!"

"That's good," Jackson said. "So how did dinner go?"

"Dinner was…ok…not great. Stressful. Afterwards we went for ice cream. Tony wanted to celebrate…" he trailed off, thinking again of how close he'd come to losing this precious and wonderful man tonight. "He wanted to celebrate us outsmarting his parents. They wanted money from him and we didn't let them have it. He was so happy. And he had every right to be."

"That was just this evening?" Gibbs nodded. "What happened after that? Something obviously drove you out of town in the middle of the night Leroy. What else happened?"

"Told you about that sonofabitch Ari who's been stalking Tony?" His dad nodded. "Team's been looking everywhere for him. Finally located him tonight."

"Where was he?"

"My damn basement," Gibbs muttered. Tony's breathing was picking up again. "He…he put a…Christ," Gibbs whispered and he pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and first finger. After a long pause, coupled with his own collection of hitched, shuddery breaths, Gibbs continued. "He put a bomb. In…in the bed," he said softly. "Right under Tony's pillow."

"Holy Toledo," Jackson breathed, truly horrified by the circumstance. He glanced at Tony. The young man's eyes were wide and staring at the plant on the table. His fingers clutched tightly at Leroy's shirt and his hand—he seemed unwilling or unable to let go of him.

"Told him I'd keep him safe," Gibbs muttered. "Nearly let him die in his own bed. Where he should feel safe. Goddammit," he pinched the bridge of his nose again and sniffled suspiciously once. For an instant, Jackson thought his son might begin to cry.

"He is safe," Jackson said. "Obviously you got him out alive—you are keeping him safe. And I'm glad you came here. You're welcome to stay for as long as you like."

"Thanks," Gibbs croaked. Tony yawned, exhausted by the day, and Gibbs glanced at his face. "Should probably try to sleep," he said.

"Come on," Jackson said. "Let's get you two upstairs. A good night's sleep will do wonders for you." He started up the stairs then stopped. "You said they found Ari in your basement. Is he in custody then?"

"Nope," Gibbs said, shaking his head and he dragged himself and Tony to their feet. "Ducky has him."

"I'm sure that was gratifying for you," Jackson said.

"Not as gratifying as if it'd been my bullet that killed him," Gibbs said with a shrug. "At any rate. He's gone now. We're safe. Threat has been eliminated."

Jackson nodded silently in agreement. He understood, or at least he thought he did, Leroy's desire to protect those he loved. Together Gibbs and Tony headed up the stairs, and Jackson turned out the lights in the living room on his way, before following behind them. When they reached the guest room, with its comfortable and inviting looking queen-sized bed, Tony stopped in the doorway. His eyes widened and flashed with fear and he shook his head.

Gibbs stopped with him and watched him carefully. Jackson stayed behind him, close but out of the way. "Ok Tony?" Gibbs asked softly, giving Tony's shoulder a squeeze.

Tony stared at the bed and didn't answer. Gibbs gave him a gentle shake. He frowned when he received no response. "Tony?" he asked quietly. "You're safe here," Jethro said reassuringly.

"Is he alright?" Jackson asked.

"Don't know," Jethro said. "Tony?" When he received no response the second time, Jethro reached up and whacked him lightly over the back of the head. Tony blinked. "Let's go to bed Tony," Gibbs said softly.

Tony tried to speak but all that came out was a choking sound. His mouth formed the words but they would not come. This brought a new rise in both his and Jethro's fear and Tony looked at him in askance, a shaking hand rising to his throat.

"Did he hurt his throat?" Jackson asked.

Tony shook his head no, with more of the choking sound and horror in his face. He looked at Gibbs, his eyes wide with fear. "Ok, ok easy," Gibbs said. "Let's call Cheryl ok? Maybe she knows what's going on?"

Tony nodded. The look on Tony's face was so sad, so scared, so insecure, that Gibbs couldn't help but pull him into a warm embrace. "Gonna be alright ok? We've been through harder stuff. We'll be fine ok? I've got your six." Tony nodded, but didn't let go. Gibbs flipped his phone open with one hand and hit the buttons to call Cheryl.

"Cheryl its Gibbs again," he said without preamble almost before she'd gotten the phone answered. "We've got a big problem." A moment later he held the phone down and looked at it. "How do you put the damn thing on speaker…" he muttered, before punching at one of the buttons. A satisfying DING! was heard and then Cheryl's voice floated through the hallway.

"_Did you make it to your father's yet?" _ Cheryl asked Gibbs.

"Yes we're here," Gibbs said. "Tony can't talk."

"_He can't speak?"_

"No! He moves his mouth, and it sounds like he's gargling razor blades. No words come out. He's terrified, and it's got my attention too. Haven't seen anything like this."

"_Sometimes when someone is under a tremendous amount of stress or pressure, mixed with a tremendous amount of fear and anxiety, the brain and the mouth lose their ability to communicate with each other. Tony can you hear me?"_

Tony nodded, staring at the phone. "Yeah he's nodding," Gibbs told her.

"_Excellent. Tony I want you to breathe like I taught you alright? You need to try and calm down." _

Before Tony could even grunt a reply, Gibbs jumped in on top of him. "You think taking some frilly deep breaths and closing your eyes and thinking happy thoughts is going to help him Doc? This isn't kindergarten—it's not happy naptime—Tony. Cannot. Speak."

"Leroy—" his father began to admonish him, but he was silenced by a glare.

"_Agent Gibbs,"_ Cheryl said crisply. _"I understand this has been a frightening day for both of you, but I will not tolerate you abusing me over the phone. If that is what you are going to do then you are going to hand the phone to Tony and I will discuss this with him. You need to calm down as well. It's in neither of your best interests for you to be so upset."_

"Sorry," Gibbs muttered. Tony blinked at him in surprise.

"Agent Gibbs it is going to be up to you to make sure that Tony stays calm. He needs to feel reassured, calm, and comfortable for the next few days. Make sure he's drinking plenty so his throat doesn't get dry. Once things calm down and the initial fear of your situation passes, I think he will regain his ability to speak."

Tony pawed roughly at Gibbs' arm. When Gibbs looked at him, Tony shot a fearful look at the bed and shook his head. Then he looked pointedly at the phone.

"Cheryl um…Tony, I think, is telling me he doesn't want to get in the bed. He's afraid," Gibbs glanced at Tony. "Is that right?" When Tony nodded, Gibbs continued. "Yes. He's afraid to get in bed. What can we do about that?"

"Show him the bed is safe. You may have to take the whole thing apart, but he needs to see and be reassured that there is no bomb."

"Consider it done," Gibbs said.

"Tony does it hurt when you try to talk?"

Tony shook his head. "He says no," Gibbs replied.

"Just remember dear, that you are in a safe place among friends. And the man who was pursuing you is no longer a threat to you."

Tony nodded. "He nodded Cheryl," Gibbs said. "He's hearing you."

"As soon as you are able to speak comfortably without using up all of your energy I would like to speak with you. It shouldn't last more than a few days at most. It's not uncommon what's happened to you Tony. It's part of your brain's way to cope. Just try and take it easy. Lean on Gibbs and his dad."

Tony nodded again and leaned into Gibbs more with a cheeky smile.

"Aren't you clever?" Gibbs said with a snarky smile. Tony seemed so…he hated to even think it…emotionally unstable…

"What happened Gibbs?" Cheryl asked.

"You said he should lean on me," Gibbs said, shaking his head at his lover. "So he leaned right over on me."

Cheryl was quiet for a moment. "Tony may I make an observation?" she asked gently.

Tony nodded. "He says yes," Gibbs said.

"Tony do you remember how flawlessly you slipped into your undercover mode with your parents earlier this evening?"

Tony nodded. "He nodded Cheryl," Gibbs told her.

"This is a variation of that now. And that's perfectly fine. Tony you are looking for your safe spot emotionally and mentally. Don't push yourself. Go with what feels right—listen to your gut, as Gibbs would say—but don't feel like you have to be something you may not be feeling. You have no obligation to be anything but honest with yourself and with everyone else. Ok?"

Tony stood as if frozen for a long moment. Gibbs was about to ask her if he heard what Cheryl said, when Tony drew a shuddery breath. His eyes glazed with tears and he nodded tightly before turning and facing the wall. His forehead thunked solidly against it.

"Think ya hit the nail on the head Doc," Gibbs said quietly.

"Call me back if you need anything Gibbs. Any time of day, remember?"

"I remember," Gibbs said. He glanced at Tony who seemed to have shut down again. "We'll be in touch."

Gibbs hung up the phone and looked at his dad. "Dad would you mind to get Tony a glass of water?" he asked softly.

"Not at all," Jackson said and hurried down the steps.

Once Jackson was out of sight, Gibbs ran a soothing hand up Tony's spine gently. "Ok Tony," he said. Tony didn't move. Gibbs carefully ducked down and inserted himself between Tony and the wall. "C'mere," he breathed into Tony's ear. Tony moved into Gibbs' embrace, burying his face in the older man's neck. "I've got you," Gibbs breathed. "I know you're afraid. But we're safe here. No one can find us here. And no one is even looking for us now. It's going to be alright. We can rest here."

Tony nodded against his chest and took a shuddery breath.

A creak on the top step caught Jethro's attention. Jackson was back. "Am I interrupting?"

Tony sprang away from him as though something jerked him backwards. His eyes were wide and looking all around, as if trying to seek out a threat. Gibbs stepped right back into his space. "Hey HEY! Calm down! You're ok!" Gibbs put his hands on his shoulders, but Tony shook his head and jerked away. He looked up at Gibbs with such heartache and sorrow…before Gibbs could speak, Jackson stepped in.

"Tony," he said, his voice gentle in its admonishment. Tony squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head desperately. Jackson held up his hand to stop Jethro before he could intervene again. "Tony listen to me." He waited patiently until Tony slowly opened his eyes. It broke both of the other men's hearts to see the shame and doubt reflected in his gaze. Finally the younger man took a deep breath and seemed to resign himself to whatever Jackson was going to say to him.

He figured the response would be similar to his father's. There would be scorn mixed with disbelief. Acceptance that came in the form of awkward and badly placed humor that did more to insult him than to show any measure of support. There would be strange looks, as if he is wondering how he had sex, wondering what it would look like, wondering why any man would actually want to do that. Tony wasn't sure he could stomach hearing the false support tonight. He took a deep breath and stared at a spot behind Jackson's right shoulder.

"I want to tell you a story about some dear friends of mine," Jackson said. He told them about the couple Jethro had remembered earlier—Phil and Tom. Told them about how they were such good friends, always accepted them without conditions, encouraged them to be themselves when they were with them. Jackson looked right into Tony's eyes while he told him of his dear friends. He hoped that Tony would see that he was sincere. "What I'm trying to say," Jackson concluded, "is that I'm not concerned about what TYPE of relationship you have with my son. As long as it's a healthy relationship, built on the right things, and something you both want, then you have my full support. No gimmicks," he said solemnly. "You are safe here. In any capacity you need to be safe. You are safe with me. And if your relationship is a secret, then it is a secret that is safe with me."

For a moment, Jackson thought Tony was going to begin to cry. His eyes glazed with tears and Tony bit his lower lip nervously. He glanced from Jackson to Jethro and back again before he took a deep breath. "Tony?" Jackson said softly. "Are you—"

He was cut off by a tight hug. Tony wrapped his arms tightly around the older man and hugged him. Jackson could feel the fear releasing, could feel the younger man's trust building, and he knew he'd managed to say the right thing. "Alright now. Ok son. Ok alright," Jackson ran his hand over the back of Tony's head.

Gibbs smiled, pleased that Tony was feeling supported by his father. He knew that his father would be supportive, but it was nice to see he was right, and nice to see Tony able to accept what Jackson was offering. As the moment passed, Gibbs glanced into the guest room. "Let's get to work on that bed. Want to?"

Tony looked fearfully at the bed and seemed to shrink back a bit. Jethro took his hand and led him into the guest room. There was a comfortable chair in the corner near the window and he guided Tony to it. The chair was the farthest point away from the bed in the bedroom. "You just sit right here," Gibbs said. "And watch me. I'll take the bed apart for you. I'll show you it's safe and then we'll get some rest ok?"

Gibbs walked over to the bed. Jackson stood at the foot of the bed. "Can I help you?" he asked.

Gibbs nodded. "I think Tony would probably like some company," he said gently.

Jackson glanced at Tony who was staring at the bed as though it was filled with poisonous vipers. He stepped closer to Tony and held out the glass of water that he realized he was still holding. "Here you go," he said softly. "Want to try and drink some of this while we watch Leroy with the bed?"

Tony reluctantly took the glass but didn't drink anything. He watched as Jethro stepped to the bed. There was a blanket laid across the foot of the bed. Jethro carefully unfolded it and lifted it off the bed. He gave it a firm shake and then refolded it and set it aside. "Ok Tony?" he asked. Tony nodded, but even from across the room Gibbs could see him trembling. "Gonna do the pillows next."

Jackson knew from Leroy's earlier account of events that the pillows would likely be the biggest source of fear for Tony right now. That bastard Ari had put the bomb under Tony's pillow. What kind of psychopath did something like that?!

Jethro stepped to the head of the bed. He picked up a pillow and moved it slowly. He had to admit, there was a not-so-small part of him that was feeling fear too. The last pillow he'd moved had a deadly bomb under it…and he didn't have his bomb squad here to help him this time. His gut relaxed when he saw only sheets beneath the pillow—just as it should be. Gibbs knew that he was being slightly irrational, but he also knew he had good reason. He moved around the bed to the other pillow and took a deep steadying breath.

"Just move the pillow Leroy!" his father said anxiously.

Gibbs couldn't help the small smile that tore across his face. All three of them needed to calm down. "It's ok," he said softly. "We need to take a deep breath and calm down. We're safe here. Right Tony?" he pointed the last comment at his partner. Tony's eyes were fixed on the pillow and he didn't respond. Gibbs realized he was standing on "Tony's side" of the bed. It would be this pillow that would freak him out. And Gibbs knew that there was no sense in dragging out the inevitable. Tony would not calm down until he knew there was no bomb on this side of the bed. He took another steadying breath and lifted the pillow. He let the breath out when he saw nothing but the plaid sheets beneath this pillow too. He slid the pillow cases off and shook them out. "There we go," Gibbs said. "Pillows are safe," he said softly.

Tony coughed suddenly and slapped a hand over his mouth. He sprang to his feet and fairly ran for the bathroom. Jethro looked helplessly at his dad. "I don't blame him," he said. "Kinda feel like I might be sick too." Together they headed for the bathroom. Tony managed to not throw up, but he shook like a leaf and was deathly pale. Finally he calmed down and rose shakily to his full height. Jackson had wet a washcloth and offered it to Tony.

Tony nodded his thanks and took it from Jackson with shaking hands. He wiped his face and his mouth and then stared wordlessly at Gibbs and Jackson. "C'mon Tony," he said. "Let's finish this bed."

They went back to the bedroom and in the doorway Tony stopped again. His breathing hitched and he raised a hand to his chest. Gibbs heard the change in Tony's breathing and immediately turned. "It's ok Tony," he said. Tony gasped for air and his eyes took on a pleading look. The same look he'd had in his eyes just before Gibbs had called for the ambulance the other day. He put Tony's hand on his chest and drew in a slow breath. "Match my breathing Tony. Breathe with me."

Jackson stood by, concerned. "Is he alright?"

Gibbs nodded, but didn't take his attention away from Tony. Tony's hand was on his chest and Gibbs could feel the hand trembling ever so slightly. "You're being so brave," he said. "Just a couple more minutes then you can rest. You won't need to be brave anymore tonight. We're going to go to bed and you're going to sleep for as long as you like. But for now we're going to take slow, deep breaths, in through our noses, and out through our gently pursed lips," he demonstrated, "and we're going to relax."

Jackson was amazed at the way Tony seemed to calm right down listening to Jethro. His son glanced over at him and nodded at the bed. "Dad can you strip off the next layer for us to see?" he asked. Jackson sprang into action. "Here Tony look. Next layer's coming off now."

The next layers of blankets and sheets were peeled slowly off of the bed one at a time and were folded so they could be easily set back on the bed once they were finished. With each layer that came off the bed, Tony's breathing got a little more relaxed and a little bit easier. Finally they were down to the bare mattress. "Should I move the mattress Leroy?" Jackson asked his son.

"Do you want to look under the mattress Tony?" Gibbs asked.

Tony was staring at the bed with wide eyes. His jaw was dropped open a bit, and he looked a bit like he was asleep on his feet. "Tony?" Gibbs shook him gently. "You with me?" Tony nodded. "Do you want Dad to move the mattress?"

Tony was torn. He wanted to see what was under the mattress, but he felt so silly. He felt so weak for being so frightened. He knew that Ari was gone and there was no way he'd done anything to this bed. He KNEW that. But at the same time, he'd also known that his bed was safe at home too…he didn't know what to do. He was overwhelmed by making the decision and he looked at Jethro, his face silently begging for help, silently begging for him to not be judged for his weakness.

Gibbs saw the look on Tony face, the desperation, the fear, the rival of emotions that played through his lover's eyes. Gibbs saw it all and he understood exactly what was happening. He pulled Tony into a loose embrace and nodded at his dad. "Do it," he said softly. Together they watched as Jackson lifted the mattress to reveal nothing beneath it except for a bed skirt and a box-springs. Tony suddenly leaned heavier on Gibbs. They were safe. Tony could relax now.

"Easy," Gibbs said, grunting under the sudden weight of his partner. He carefully guided Tony to sit in the chair he'd previously occupied and ruffled his hair affectionately. "I'm gonna help Dad put the bed back together," he said and Tony nodded. The younger man watched as the two older men made quick work of rebuilding the bed. In moments the bed was remade and the covers were pulled back and the bed was inviting Tony to crawl between the crisp sheets and relax into sleep.

Gibbs stepped over to him and hooked his hands on Tony's arms. "You ready to sleep now?" he asked, trying to keep his tone light. "You're bound to be exhausted. C'mon." He hauled his lover to his feet and steered him to the bed. Gibbs looked up at his dad who was standing near the door. "Thanks Dad," he said.

"Do you two need anything?"

"Nah I think we're ok," Gibbs said. Then he had an idea. "Actually…maybe some tylenol? For both of us?"

"Sure thing," Jackson said. Tony and Gibbs were climbing onto the bed as Jackson made his way to the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. He returned a couple of minutes later, pills in one hand and another cup of water in the other, only to find that Tony and Leroy were both sound asleep, Tony curled tightly into Gibbs' embrace, one hand clutching tightly at his son's t-shirt.

Jackson moved quietly through the room and set the bottle and the cup down on the nightstand. He clicked on the lamp and as he left the room, turned out the overhead light and closed the door. With any luck his boys would sleep until morning.

TBC…


	40. Implications & Questions

_Thanks to my wonderful friend for your help and hard work with this story. You are so brave and wonderful to help me. I really appreciate all your hard work.  
><em>_Special Thanks to Lightsnshadows for sharing your Stillwater idea with me. You rock!_

**Author's Note: **Hold on to your hats folks…gonna be a bumpy ride lol…

**No Chains Holding Me  
><strong>**Chapter 40: Implications & Questions**

Tobias Fornell stood in the observation room outside the interrogation room in FBI Headquarters. He was trying to piece together his thoughts, trying to get his questions in order…there were many things to ask. The main question he had was WHY. Why did this person—good looking, sophisticated, well-educated, no prior history of criminal activity (not even a traffic ticket)—why did this put together, decent person suddenly take a hunting rifle into a complete stranger's house, and shoot the first person they saw in the back of the head? Did they know at whom they were shooting? Was this person working for someone? Was Ari Haswari a target or an innocent victim? Was this the result of a robbery gone bad?

Too many damn questions.

Tobias glanced at the agents in the observation room with him. "What do you think Ron?" he asked his Senior Agent. Ronald Sacks stared through the one sided glass. He was still trying to figure it out. This shooting didn't make any sense. In fact, the only reasons they had the case at all was because the shooting took place in a federal employee's home, and the shooting victim was a wanted and well-known terrorist in the United States. Fornell sighed. Things could never be peaceful when Leroy Jethro Gibbs was around. The man bred trouble. He made a mental note to call him up and ask him who the hell he pissed off this time. How the man—dear friend, though he was—ended up with a wanted terrorist, a seemingly random shooter, a bomb, and a houseful of agents on a random Wednesday night was beyond Fornell's comprehension. And the more he thought about it, the more he figured he probably didn't want to know those answers.

What he did want, was coffee. But the director was screaming down his neck (and so was the director of NCIS, dammit) wanting answers. Hell HE wanted answers. This story just had so many twists and turns to it…he felt sure he wasn't getting the whole picture. There was something up here that he wasn't seeing. Some big piece of information he didn't have. He took a deep breath and collected the file.

Time to go get those answers.

Initially, Fornell decided to go in alone. He had two agents in Observation who were ready to back him up at a moment's notice. He unlocked the door and stepped inside. He took a moment to confirm his suspect's name, and then locked them in the room. Fornell strolled idly around the room for a moment, flipping through the file (the very thin—_dammit_—file). He walked around behind his suspect, walked around the table in front of him. He glanced in the mirror and smoothed his hair and straightened his tie. Then he pulled out a chair and turned it around backwards. He stradled it and rested his arms across the back of it.

"I'd like to ask you some questions," Fornell said.

The suspect in the chair smiled. Fornell was a bit taken aback once again at how well groomed this shooter was. Not a dark hair out of place—despite the events of the evening, nails were well manicured, clothes looked expensive. Fornell narrowed his eyes. The suspect's features were a bit dark, but also bright and clear, and in any other situation Fornell thought that the shooter looked just like any person you might see on the street at rush hour. In a coffee shop. In a book store. In a nice restaurant. He took a slow breath and let it out. He wasn't at all rattled here. This was Fornell's element. This was the moment he lived for. There was nothing in his job more exciting than the interrogation of a suspect.

"Go ahead," the person sitting across from Fornell said calmly.

Fornell stood up and turned the chair around. He sat down at the table and opened the file. He looked up at the suspect, his face unreadable. "I'd just like to clarify. Can you tell me where you were this evening around 9:30pm?"

"Yes. I was staked out in a hallway."

Fornell blinked. He'd counted on mindgames. Surely this confession wouldn't come so easily? Dammit, that would take all the fun out of it. "Where was the hallway located?"

"In a house."

"Do you know whose house it was?"

"Yes."

"And can you tell me whose house it was?"

"Anthony DiNozzo Junior," the suspect said confidently.

Fornell blinked. Well he hadn't seen _that _one coming. "Errr…can you give me the address of the house?"

The suspect patiently leaned forward and propped their elbows on the table. There was confidence in the stance. This shooter was proud. An address was recited and Fornell nodded and made a note. "That is the address that you were picked up at, however I'm sorry to say the address was not that of Anthony DiNozzo, Jr.

The proud expression faltered just slightly. "What do you mean? Of course it was."

"No actually that address doesn't belong to him. Really I'm not interested in arguing that point. You've made it quite clear that this is the address you were located tonight around 9:30. Is that correct?" Fornell showed his suspect the address that he'd written down—the same address the suspect had recited moments earlier.

"Yes," came the quiet response.

"Can you tell me why you were staked out in the hallway of this house?" Fornell asked. "Cause I gotta tell ya—in that house? You're lucky you're sitting here alive right now."

"I went there with one purpose, and one purpose only," the shooter replied calmly.

"And what was that purpose?"

"To make someone pay for their crime."

"We have a justice system that can help you with that," Fornell said reasonably. "I see no reason to take the law into your own hands. Perhaps I can help you. What crime was committed?"

There was a long pause, and the suspect looked around the room before taking a deep breath. "Something was stolen," came the quiet response.

"Did you report it stolen?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because no one would have listened to me."

"Why do you think no one would listen to you?"

"Because I tried to stop it from being taken away and no one would listen to me. And I lost something very important to me as a result."

"Can you tell me what was stolen?"

"Not what," the reply was quiet. The suspect's eyes darkened with malice and hatred. "Who."

xxx

_Tony opened his eyes when he heard the soft gasp. He squinted in the darkness and looked around, trying to figure out what was going on. He turned over and clicked on the bedside lamp and he gasped. The bed was completely decimated. It was still smoldering and the blankets were singed. He narrowed his eyes and reached a shaking hand out to pull the blankets back off the huge lump in the middle of the bed. When he did his eyes widened and he couldn't stop the scream that tore from his throat as he stared down at the burned and lifeless body of a very blown up Leroy Jethro Gibbs._

xxx

The terrible choking, gasping sound emanating from Tony pulled Gibbs from a sound sleep. He'd always slept well at his father's house and it seemed tonight was no exception. But Tony…it seemed he was getting no peace tonight. With a sigh he carefully scooped Tony up and hugged him close. "Wake up Tony," he called softly. He hoped Tony's gasping wouldn't wake his father. "C'mon it's alright you're safe. Wake up. Snap out of it."

A light clicked on in the hallway. So much for not waking Jackson. A moment later the door opened slightly and Jackson poked his head in. "Everything ok? I thought I heard something…"

Tony gasped again and suddenly his eyes popped open. He made a rough sound in his throat and covered his mouth with a shaking hand.

"You gonna throw up?" Gibbs asked softly.

Tony shook his head and leaned against Gibbs. His fingers slowly twined around Gibbs' thin white under-tee and he sucked in a deep breath through his nose. He let go of Gibbs' shirt after a moment and began touching Gibbs—his arms, his face, his hair. He ran his hand over Gibbs' shoulder and down across his chest—and that's when Gibbs realized that Tony was looking for signs of injury.

"Did you dream I got hurt Tony?" he asked softly.

Tony looked up at him and tears filled his eyes. He nodded desperately. One hand lifted then dropped listlessly onto his lap and a sob escaped him.

"C'mere," Gibbs said and he tugged Tony close. He was a big surprised at how Tony calmed once he realized that everyone was ok. A couple of nervous glances at the bed caught Gibbs' attention. "Was there a bomb in the bed?" Gibbs asked softly and Tony nodded again.

"Dear Lord," Jackson breathed. He moved closer and sat on the edge of the bed. "I hope I'm not disturbing," he said awkwardly, realizing after a moment that Tony might prefer this to be a private moment. He was surprised when Tony reached out his hand towards Jackson. Jackson took it and gave it a squeeze. "You're gonna be alright, son," he murmured gently. Tony smiled a grateful, watery smile, and nodded. He didn't believe a word of it, but he was trying. He knew Jackson meant well.

"What time is it?" Gibbs asked softly. There wasn't a clock in the room other than on their cell phones and Gibbs hadn't picked his up off the nightstand.

"Close to four," Jackson said. "Been in bed about two hours."

"Sorry we woke you," Gibbs said softly.

"Hey," Jackson said, and pointed a finger at them. "None of that apologizing here. We're family. We take care of each other and we deal with all the shit that comes our way, good and bad. Right now is tough, and we'll figure out our way through it. When we get to the other side we'll still be family. He stood up and smoothed his hands over his bathrobe. "Now," he said firmly. "Is anybody hungry?"

xxx

Fornell stroked his chin. "Someone was stolen?" he clarified.

"Yes."

"Did you report the kidnapping?"

"No. It was not a kidnapping. It was…different."

"Care to explain that?"

"Not really."

"Ok well I'm confused about how someone can be taken away from you, cause you so much trouble, and it not be a kidnapping. Which leads me back to my original question. Why were you in that house tonight?"

"I gave myself a mission and I completed it."

"What was your mission?"

"To kill the sonofabitch."

"And can you tell me who it is that you wanted to kill?"

"Anthony DiNozzo Junior. And I got him, the sonofabitch. I blew his fucking head right off!"

"Because he stole something from you."

"Yes."

"I have some bad news for you," Fornell said gently. Oh this was going to be fun.

The suspect's eyes widened a bit with curiosity. Fornell leaned over the table. "You missed."

The suspect reared back. "WHAT?!"

Fornell placed a photograph of Ari Haswari on the table. "Do you know this man?"

The suspect leaned forward and studied the picture for a long moment. "No."

"Take another good look. Make sure."

"I am positive. I have no idea who that guy is."

"That 'guy' as you called him, is named Ari Haswari."

"Ok. So what?"

"So this is the man you shot tonight."

The suspect blinked and stared hard at the picture on the table. "No," came the hoarsely whispered response. "It is not possible."

Fornell smiled. "Oh it's not only possible, it's true. This man's body is down in Autopsy. What's interesting is that he was a wanted terrorist." Technically he was wanted for being a double agent gone rogue, but Fornell was not at liberty to talk CIA stuff with a civilian. Especially a loony one. So for now they'd call Ari a terrorist.

"But…I do not understand," the suspect said softly. "I shot Anthony DiNozzo Jr. I saw him enter the house with my own eyes. I watched him walk through the kitchen and head to the basement. How did I not shoot him? I think you are bluffing."

Fornell closed the file and leaned over the table. "Let's get one thing straight," he said softly, his tone dangerous. "I don't bluff."

The suspect leaned back a bit, trying to escape the ire that was emanating from the agent in front of him. "Now, you want me to call you a lawyer?"

The suspect's head shook. "No," the response was quiet.

"Ok I need some answers here. You gotta give me more information," Fornell snapped. Seriously this kook was beginning to work his nerves. "I need to know who it is that was allegedly stolen away from you."

"Why?"

"Because I want to talk to them."

"Why?"

"To see if they give better answers than you do," Fornell snapped. "Now answer the goddamn question. Who is it?"

Eyes filled with tears then and a soft sniffle escaped the suspect. "My mother."

xxx

The smell of warm batter and melting chocolate filled the kitchen. Tony and Gibbs were sitting at the table watching Jackson all but dance around his kitchen. The old man's movements were fluid and flawless, each move planned and executed to perfection—he looked like a culinary master.

"Now Tony," he was saying around a smile. "I am making you something very special. Are you hungry?"

Tony thought about it for a moment. He'd thrown up his dinner. Had some ice cream, but even that was hours ago. He felt like he could at least try to eat…maybe just a little. He nodded and held up his thumb and first finger close together, indicating "a little."

Jackson nodded. "A little, eh?" Tony nodded this time. Jethro smiled around his coffee cup at the interactions between the two of them. They were thick as thieves to be sure. He smiled, happy that he'd been right about his father's reaction to their relationship. "I'll make you just a little then," Jackson was saying as he turned back to the stove. A moment later, the older Gibbs effortlessly slid four small pancakes out onto a plate.

Tony raised an eyebrow at him when he set the plate down in front of him. "Silver dollar pancakes," Jackson said. "You can eat as little or as much as you want. There's plenty more where that came from." He turned back to the stove.

Tony picked up a pancake and took a bite out of it. He let out a happy sigh and smiled around the food in his mouth. There was maybe nothing in the world any better than warm pancakes. And the early morning air was cool, so the warm food was extra satisfying. By the time Jackson turned back around with Jethro's plate, Tony had eaten two of his four pancakes. Jackson cast a sly glance at the young man who was looking out the window, happily munching on a pancake. A few moments later, two more pancakes appeared on Tony's plate.

"This recipe was my mother's," Jackson said and Tony offered a thumbs up. "Leroy always liked it when he was a boy."

"Still like it," Gibbs commented, shoving another pancake in his mouth.

Sometime later, Jackson Gibbs sat in his living room drinking his coffee. The sun was just rising in the east and was beginning to peek through the window of his sunroom. A glance around the room made him smile. Jethro was sitting on the couch, dozing into his cup of coffee, and Tony was sound asleep next to him with his head on his shoulder. From the soft snores of the younger man, Jackson could tell that he was finally at peace, finally resting, and had thankfully finally eaten something. Tony had lost a good bit of weight—you could look at him and tell. Jackson decided to try and get Tony to eat as much as he could—if it meant he spent every waking hour with them in the kitchen feeding the boy he'd do it. For now though, there was rest. Jackson moved slowly to his feet. Tony and Leroy were exhausted, it was easy to see. Stepping close to the couch, he spoke softly as he took the tilting coffee cup from Gibbs' lax hand.

"Easy now Leroy you just relax. I'm gonna set this on the coffee table for you. Here's a pillow for you," he carefully tucked the pillow in close to his boy's head, smiling when Leroy immediately shifted and nestled his head into it. With his body tilted more to the side, Tony's position was also changed. He blinked his eyes open for a brief moment, long enough to see that things were ok—he was still safe—they were both safe—before he readjusted himself and rested his head in the crook of Jethro's arm and shoulder. A moment later he was sleeping soundly again and Jackson smiled, running a feather light hand over the young man's hair. "You just sleep now son," Jackson said. "Gonna cover you up. I've got your sixes here. You just rest now." He pulled the afghan that Anne had made decades earlier off the back of the couch and he covered his two charges with it. "Guard their sleep Annie," he whispered. "Lord knows they need it."

He tilted the angle of the blinds on the windows to keep the sun out of their eyes, and quietly left the room. His boys were home. There was much to do.

xxx

Fornell stood still, looking for a long time at the suspect sitting at the table before him. His detainee was becoming increasingly distressed. The confident swagger was gone and it had been replaced by nervousness and uncertainty. Showing the picture of Ari Haswari had really put the suspect's game off, and now this obviously intelligent, well put together person was splintering right before Fornell's very eyes.

"I need you to give me a bit more than that," Fornell gentled his tone a bit, coaching his suspect now, easing them into the story, drawing out the story slowly and piece by piece. "I know you're frustrated, and I know this is difficult…but once I get the whole story I can help you better."

"Help me," the suspect scoffed. "Why do you think I need help?"

"I can help you get your mother back," Fornell said smugly. "All I need is a little more information."

"What kind of information?" The suspect sounded a bit more suspicious now.

"When did you lose your mom?" Fornell asked.

Eyes glanced down at neatly pressed khaki pants. "I was seven," came the soft reply.

Fornell blinked. "Seven years old?"

"Yes."

"Ok lay it out for me. I'm confused."

"My parents got a divorce when I was a kid…I was seven."

"Okkk…" Fornell drew the word out slowly. "Lots of kids' parents get divorced. What makes you so special?"

"I got stuck living with my dad."

"Ok."

"He said my mother was unfit. That she was abusive. That she did horrible things to me."

Fornell leaned across the table and looked at the young man sitting in front of him. He didn't understand this kid. Jason Schwartz had the whole world at his fingertips. He had so many opportunities and choices that would benefit him…and he'd just thrown it all away.

"What's your mother's name Jason?" he asked quietly.

Jason Schwartz looked up at the investigator sitting in front of him. "You really think you can help me?"

Not a chance. "Absolutely."

Jason took a deep breath. "Mary DiNozzo."

Fornell didn't need to be able to see through the two sided mirror to know that one of his agents would already be scrambling to get information on this woman. "How old are you now Jason?"

"Thirty four," Jason replied.

"And tell me how it is that Anthony DiNozzo is responsible for your mother leaving you?"

"She forgot me as soon as she met him. She had to leave after she and Dad divorced, but she didn't have to stay away. My mother is Anthony DiNozzo Junior's step-mother."

"And tell me again why you thought you should kill him?"

"Because he took my mother away. He made her forget about me. I thought if I killed him she'd remember me again…"

This case was truly tragic. And very convoluted. And he needed to call Gibbs to give him a heads up. But first he wanted to get Mary DiNozzo in here.

He had some questions to ask.

xxx

Jethro was awake when Jackson came back from the grocery store. He hadn't moved from his position on the couch; Tony was still lying on top of him sleeping soundly, and Jethro was looking at the window. He startled a bit when the door suddenly opened, but relaxed when he saw it was his dad.

"Tony still sleeping?" Jackson asked softly.

"Yeah," Gibbs said. "Hasn't moved in a couple of hours. Might be getting some good sleep."

Tony tensed a bit in his sleep, and one hand twisted around Gibbs' t-shirt.

"Easy Tony," Gibbs whispered, smoothing a hand over his back and putting his hand on the hand twisted in his shirt. "You're safe. It's all ok."

Tony let out a tense breath and Gibbs felt his body relax against him again. "Attaboy," he whispered softly. He ran his hand through Tony's hair. "Dad do you need any help?"

"Nope, you are just fine where you are. You need to rest too. Do you want some coffee? Thought I'd make some."

"Nah," Gibbs said softly. "Not right now. Get some in a bit." He blinked heavily.

Jackson reappeared in the living room after his trip to the kitchen. He pulled the blanket up over them a bit higher. "Get some rest. I'll wake you for lunch." He smiled. Leroy was already asleep again.

xxx

Fornell stood outside the door to the fancy hotel room. He double checked the information that Jason Schwartz had given him about his mother's whereabouts (he'd been watching her for some time now) and glanced at the other agents. Giving a nod and receiving matching nods in return, Fornell raised his hand and knocked on the door.

A man opened the door. He was in his mid-50s and his hair was slightly mussed. There were lines of stress around his mouth and eyes and Fornell took a moment's pause when he saw the uncanny physical resemblance to his son. Fornell had known Tony for several years now, and it didn't take the FBI Investigator long to surmise that Tony must have gotten his personality from his mother. "Who the hell are you?" the man snarled at Fornell.

Fornell offered a small smile and raised his badge. "Special Agent Fornell, FBI," he said, tucking his badge away. "We're looking for a Mary DiNozzo."

The man paled slightly. "That's my wife," he breathed. "What do you want with her?"

"We need to ask her some questions. May we come inside?"

Senior moved out of the way, a bit stunned by the agents' arrival. "Mary," he called. "Come out here."

"I told you I didn't want to see anybo—"

"Mary DiNozzo?" Fornell said, cutting right in.

"Yes?"

He flashed his badge again. "Special Agent Fornell, FBI. We'd like to ask you some questions."

"Questions? About what?" Fornell noticed that Mary's face took on an oddly green hue and her eyes widened slightly. She was hiding something.

"Where were you about eight-thirty last night?"

Mary's face flushed red with anger. "I was at that damn restaurant where we had dinner with my son. He ran off and left us with the bill—can you imagine? His poor parents, he just left us! And we didn't know we were going to be paying for dinner, so neither of us brought any money with us…the police were called, oh it was horribly embarrassing. We were at that restaurant until close to what, ten?" she glanced at Senior who shrugged and nodded. "Yes about ten o'clock," she said firmly. "Why?"

Fornell made a note on his notepad. Find the police report from the restaurant last night. "Mrs. DiNozzo…we have reason to believe that you may be involved in a crime."

Mary paled even more. "A…a crime?" she asked weakly. How had they found out what she'd been doing? How did they know?

"What are you going on about?" Senior said. "Mary hasn't committed any crimes!"

"What crime?" Mary's voice was breathy and quiet. She was trying not to panic, and she'd keep quiet for as long as she could.

Fornell smiled sweetly. "First degree murder and conspiracy to commit murder of a federal law enforcement officer."

"WHAT?!" Mary screeched.

"Now wait a minute," Senior stepped in between Fornell and Mary. "Where is all this coming from?"

"Sir, this does not concern you," Agent Sacks said, stepping forward. His hands were raised in a non-threatening way, but Senior tried to plow right through him to protect his wife from the horrible questions and allegations being thrown her way.

The next thing Senior knew he was being slammed against the wall and handcuffs were being slapped on his wrist. "Anthony DiNozzo you are under arrest for Obstruction of Justice," Sacks said firmly. "You have the right to remain silent." He escorted him towards the door of the hotel room.

Behind them, Mary was trying to look around Fornell. "Where are you taking him? He didn't do anything! Why are you arresting him? Tony! Tony come back! You idiots what are you doing? We are on vacation! Leave us alone!"

"On vacation eh? You visiting someone?" Fornell asked.

"Our son," Mary sniffed. "Why are you bothering us? You've obviously got us confused with someone else!"

"Mmmm I don't think so. Why don't you join me back at headquarters and we'll see about getting this all worked out."

"Will you let Tony go? He hasn't done anything wrong."

"He was preventing us from doing our jobs. That is wrong," Fornell said reasonably. "But likely he'll be released on bond."

Mary closed her eyes. "We don't have any money," she moaned.

xxx

Mary sat in the interrogation room, tears streaming down her face. She didn't know where her husband was, she didn't know what was going on with him, didn't know if he was being released or sitting on the other side of the two-way mirror watching her. She had no information. They'd parked her in this room and left her here for hours. It had to have been hours, but she had no way of knowing. There was no clock. There was nothing. A table and two chairs.

She wondered where the agent who'd brought her here was. Wondered what he was doing. Was he watching her? Waiting for her to crack up? The way she was feeling it wouldn't be long now. And she wondered…he'd said something about her being implicated in a crime—in the attempted murder of a federal agent. The only federal agents she knew were Tony and now Agent Gibbs, his partner. Had something happened to one of them?

The thought of something happening to Tony was absolutely devastating to her. It frightened her horribly. She loved her boy greatly—in so many ways…she wondered…wondered if she should ask questions, wondered if she should give answers.

She wondered if her Tony was still alive.

xxx

Fornell stood in the observation room. He was greatly disturbed by what he'd learned about this woman. Namely, why records of her existence only went back about twenty five years and then came to an abrupt halt. Now, in that twenty-five years she had no criminal record—not even a speeding or parking ticket. But before that…It was as if she hadn't existed on the planet before that point. Or if she'd been here she'd been someone else. Fornell didn't know, but he was going to find out. And he was going to find out how his shooting suspect had gotten to this breaking point. He wanted to know lots of things. He glanced at Agents Sacks and Trudy, nodded at them, and picked up his file.

Time to crack a bad egg.

xxx

The Agent who'd brought her here burst into the interrogation room quite suddenly, surprising Mary. She jumped, startled a bit at the sudden commotion in the room and looked up at him as he shut and locked the door behind them.

"Mary DiNozzo?" he said.

"You already asked me that," Mary snarked. She had to get control in this room. She had to come out ahead.

"I'll ask you ten times if it's necessary," Fornell said sweetly. "Now. State your name for the record."

"My name is Mary DiNozzo. And may I just state for the record—"

"No," Fornell cut her off. "You may not. I'm running this conversation. Not you."

Mary's mouth closed with a sharp click. She scowled at Fornell.

Fornell pulled out the chair and sat down across the table from her. "I'd like to show you a picture," he said. "And I'd like for you to tell me if you recognize this person."

"Fair enough," Mary said crisply.

Fornell opened the file and laid a picture down in front of her. The young man in the photo was well groomed, and there was a brightness to his features despite the eyes and hair being so dark. His skin was a bronzed olive tone and the expression on the young man's face was…oddly familiar.

"He looks…familiar," Mary said. She didn't like the sensation she was feeling in her gut. Who the hell was this guy? Why did he look so familiar? Even though his eyes reminded…her…of… "Oh my," Mary said. She looked up at Fornell, not wanting to ask, but needing to know. "Please. Can you tell me his name?"

"I was hoping you could tell me his name," Fornell said.

"If it's who I think it is…but why would you have…Jason?" she said softly. "Is that Jason?" She turned a fearful gaze toward the agent sitting across from her.

"Jason Schwartz," Fornell supplied helpfully, carefully watching her reaction.

You didn't have to be looking closely to notice that all of the color drained from the woman's face and lips as she stared at the photo on the table. "My baby boy," she whispered, and her eyes filled with tears. She touched the picture with only her finger tips—touching the hair, the lips, the cheekbones of her beautiful son…so grown up. "Why do you have a picture of him?"

"He was arrested tonight."

Mary blinked. "For what?"

Fornell looked right into her eyes and kept his gaze steady as he spoke. "Murder."

"No," Mary whispered. "That's…he wouldn't…Jason's not…who did he kill?"

"Not his intended target," Fornell said smartly.

"Who was his intended target?" Mary's throat felt like it was going to close with emotion. So much for getting and keeping control here. She was losing and knew it.

Fornell watched her closely as he laid down another photograph. This one drew a harsh gasp from Mary's lips. "Oh dear heavens no!"

"You know this man?" Fornell asked.

"That's my step-son! Anthony DiNozzo! Oh my Tony—is he alright? Did…" horror filled her features. "Did Jason hurt him?"

"Could you tell me again where you were last night around 8:30pm?"

"We were at the restaurant. We'd just had dinner with Tony and his boss. They'd left us the check and we were working out how to pay for it. Money's a bit tight these days."

"Are you aware that your step-son carries life insurance?"

"Yes," Mary said.

"And are you aware that your husband, one, Anthony DiNozzo Senior, is listed as a beneficiary?"

"Yes," Mary whispered with a nod.

"So you were having a difficult time paying for dinner, you said?"

"That's right. We lost a good bit of our liquidity last week when the stock market dropped. Money's tight," she said with a casual shrug. "Happens sometimes. We always bounce back."

"Did you know that your son Jason was in town?"

"No," Mary said.

"Did you know that he is staying in the same hotel that you are?"

Mary's eyes widened and for one fleeting moment she wondered if she'd seen him and not realized it. "No I didn't know," Mary said. "Please," she said, "you didn't answer my question. Who did Jason kill? You said he didn't get Tony?"

"No Agent DiNozzo is quite safe and has been moved to another location," Fornell said. He set the last photograph on the table. Ari Haswari stared up at Mary from the paper and she gasped. "Do you know this man?" Fornell was a bit surprised at Mary's reaction. He'd expected indifference, not recognition.

"He…he came to our house…said he was from NCIS' Human Resources Department," Mary said. "Said he wanted to go over what it means to be a beneficiary to a federal employee like Tony. We went over all the numbers…everything. He was very thorough."

"When did he come to your house?"

"Last week," Mary whispered. "Right before we came here." She thought for a moment. "You know…I found that visit a bit odd…especially when he started going over how much money Tony makes in a year and what that means as far as beneficiaries are concerned if he was to…pass. You're sure Tony's alright?"

"Agent DiNozzo was not injured last night. He is safe."

"Where did this happen?"

"In the home of another agent," Fornell said.

"Agent Gibbs," Mary said.

Fornell figured he shouldn't be surprised that Mary knew who Gibbs was. It seemed that everyone in the free world knew who Gibbs was. "Yes," he said simply. "So back to the situation at hand. You were visited last week by a man posing as a Federal HR employee to discuss what you would get if your stepson dies. Then this week you decide to visit—had you been planning that visit long?"

"No…it was very last minute…once we lost that money in that stock dive…"

"You planned an impromptu trip to one of the most expensive cities on the East Coast right after you lost that money? Interesting travel planning," Fornell said.

"We were coming to ask Tony for a loan. That…man…told us how much Tony was making—we were going to ask to borrow it, but we were going to pay him back—just as soon as our stocks climbed back again…That was why we went to dinner last night."

"How did that conversation go?"

"He didn't want to loan us money. Turns out he and Agent Gibbs have a joint checking account and Gibbs wouldn't even entertain the idea."

"So you contacted your son and had him try to kill Agent DiNozzo."

"NO!" Mary shrieked, shocked at the allegations. "No of course not!"

"I think you did," Fornell said. "And judging from what sonny-boy told me in his conversation with me, he'd do just about anything to get back in your good graces—including murder. So I'm thinking you set him up in the same hotel you were staying in—on a different floor of course—and you told him that he could earn your love back by offing your step-son—which would open you and your husband up to a whole boatload of money—something to the tune of a half-million dollars, if I'm not mistaken?"

"Half a million," Mary nodded.

"And I think last week when Mr. Haswari came to visit you under the guise of the HR employee, that he offered to help you get your hands on some money. He offered to take care of your little problem for you—and he offered to make it look like an accident, so that there'd be no suspicion at all. You were covering your own ass by getting your son to go to the house as well—trying as hard as you could to not implicate yourself in any attempt on your step-son's life, and yet at the same time setting up multiple targets to take him out—especially after he turned you down at dinner and embarrassed you in that restaurant."

"N-no," Mary stammered, "that isn't how it was!"

"I think it is," Fornell said. "I think its motive for murder. The only place you screwed up was putting your two killers in the same house at the same time. Jason mistook Ari Haswari for Agent DiNozzo and killed him by mistake. Then your little plan crumbled because killer number one was dead and killer number two was immediately arrested. You had to have known with everything going on that Agent Gibbs' house would be swarming with agents ready to protect him and Agent DiNozzo."

"I didn't want anybody to die! I just wanted to see my Tony and borrow some money. Really. That is all."

"Save it for the judge lady," Fornell sneered. "I'm not buying it. I've got two people who attempted to murder a Federal Agent, and both of them are linked to you. If I were you," he stood up and gathered the file back together. "I'd be calling my lawyer."

TBC…


	41. Assurances and Appointments

**Warning:** BIG VIOLENCE WARNING! The section about Jason at the end of the chapter may be VERY DISTURBING to some readers! Violence, torture, etc…be warned—it's twisted! (And this is the toned down version! I refuse to post the first draft!) If you'd like to skip the part, you may Private Message me and I'll get ya up to speed for the next chapter. :)

_Thanks to my wonderful friend who helped me with this, turns out, very crazy chapter! P.S. I'm still sorry. :( Love ya!_

**No Chains Holding Me  
><strong>**Chapter 41: Assurances and Appointments**

Jackson smiled when he heard the tell tale sounds of someone waking up in his living room. He had spent the afternoon in the kitchen cooking. The aroma of chicken noodles filled the air, coupled with the smell of warm, baking apple pie. The old man could hear soft murmurings coming from the other room and he glanced at the clock. Nearly dinnertime. Perfect. Jackson figured Jethro and Tony would grumble about sleeping all day and he braced himself for the ear lashing he'd get for letting them. He knew they'd ask him why he'd let them sleep all day. No matter. Jackson was prepared to explain it.

A moment later, Jethro appeared in the doorway to the kitchen. His hair was mussed and it reminded the father of his son's younger years. Back before he'd joined the Marines, Jethro had been a sleepy teenager. He'd stay up late, sleep late, sleep in class, sleep whenever he could—expect when he was supposed to be.

"Hi there son," Jackson said softly.

"Hey Dad. Got any coffee?" Jethro still seemed sleepy. It was rare for him, as an adult, to have trouble shaking off sleep. He always seemed to wake up alert and ready to move. But now…he definitely seemed sleepy still.

"Got a fresh pot," Jackson said. "Sit down and I'll get it."

"Could get it," Jethro mumbled, rubbing a sleepy hand over his face. He sat down at the table without further protest.

"Tony still sleeping?" Jackson asked. He handed Jethro his coffee.

Jethro took a long sip. "That's good," he commented. "Yeah, he woke up when I got up but dozed right back off again."

"Good," Jackson said. "You both look like you need the rest."

Jethro nodded. "Been a long couple of days," he said.

"Been a long couple of months," Jackson gently corrected. "When's the last time you really slept, Leroy?"

Jethro took another sip of coffee and studied his lap.

"Well?"

"Since…" Jethro ran a hand over his face and let out a long breath. "Not since Tony went undercover," Jethro said softly. "I've slept a few hours here and there—usually when he sleeps too…but…" he shrugged. "Neither of us have really rested much. Just…too hard y'know? Hard to let my guard down. Seems like every time we turn around there's a new threat, ya know?"

Jackson squeezed Jethro's shoulder. "Got a question," he said. He got himself a mug out of the cabinet. "Why didn't you come here sooner? I'd have helped Leroy. You know that."

"I know," Jethro said. "It's just…I dunno."

"Hey," Jack said. "You two are some of the most stubborn, independent people I've ever seen. It's alright. You're here now."

"Yeah," Jethro said. There was a short period of silence while the two Gibbs men focused on their coffee cups. Finally Jethro glanced at the doorway to the living room and sighed. "It's been hard Dad," he said quietly. His voice was so soft Jackson nearly missed it. "I've never seen anyone…anyone that hurt…not like this…" Jethro looked at his dad. "And he's been so afraid…and it…it pisses me off because I want to fix it. I want to make it better. But this…it's not something I can punch or kick or shoot." He broke off suddenly, taking several deep breaths. "All I can do is be there…"

"Sometimes," Jackson said, taking his son's hand and giving it a squeeze, "Sometimes that is enough."

Jackson watched Jethro's eyes lighten a bit. Finally he took another sip of coffee and nodded.

xxx

Jethro was about to go wake Tony for dinner when his cell phone suddenly rang. "Hold up Dad," he said, glancing at the Caller ID. "I gotta take this. Let him sleep a couple more minutes." Jackson nodded and Jethro flipped open the phone and trotted up the stairs.

"Yeah, Gibbs."

"_Gibbs it's Fornell."_

"I see that Tobias. Why are you calling me?"

"_I've got some news for you about the shooting that took place at your house."_

"I'm listening."

"_Turns out your boy was lucky. He was the intended target."_

Gibbs snorted softly and shook his head. "Why does that NOT surprise me," he muttered darkly. "Any idea who the shooter is?"

"_Yep. You're not gonna believe it."_

"Quit drawing it out Fornell and tell me who the hell it is!"

"_Mary DiNozzo's son."_

"Jason Schwartz," Gibbs breathed. Suddenly his gut rolled. "Was Mary involved?"

"_Well…it's…a hairy situation. I've got her in Holding now…I have reason to believe she may have had motive to instigate something of this nature."_

"Me too," Gibbs said quietly, remembering the strange manner in which Mrs. DiNozzo had behaved at Tony's apartment, and again at dinner. "What have you been able to find on her?"

"_Well what we've learned so far is that Mary DiNozzo is a fine, upstanding woman who has a slight drinking problem, likes to have young men around, and enjoys volunteering at the local afterschool program. She's a popular volunteer among the middle school and high school age kids."_

Alarm bells started going off in Gibbs' head. "Ohhhh of course," he murmured. "Makes perfect sense…have you been able to find anything…strange about her background?"

"_Only that she doesn't appear to exist if you go back more than twenty-five or so years,"_ Fornell retorted_. "Though now we're—"_

"Do a search on Mary Lou Schwartz. I've got a bunch of information on her at the house, but I can't get to it right now for obvious reasons."

"_I'll get Sacks to go see if he can find it. In your office?"_

"Yep. Why'd Jason shoot Ari and not Tony?"

Fornell chuckled. "_Because he's an arrogant little bastard," he said. "Kid got ahead of himself. Fired the gun before he'd made positive identification. It was a case of mistaken identity."_

"So why do you think that Mary is involved?"

"_I don't know for sure, but there's some facts that add up and I don't like the picture they paint. Like the fact that Ari visited their house last week before they planned to come visit. Like he told them a lot of information—that I'm still trying to learn how he got—about Tony's income, his retirement, his life insurance, all of those things. And he led them to believe that Tony's father is the beneficiary on the insurance."_

"But he's not. I'm the beneficiary," Gibbs said.

"_Yep. Apparently Ari got that wrong. Or Ari was planning to frame them for murder one. And then we arrest Jason Schwartz. Kid marches in here with a smirk on his face, proud of himself because he just offed a guy who stole his momma away from him when he was a kid. He's staying in the same hotel as the DiNozzos, knew where Tony was staying, that kinda thing. The only thing he got wrong was when he stated that your house is Tony's residence and that he lives there alone."_

"Well I can see how that'd be easily mistaken," Gibbs said. "If he's been watching Tony—I've been gone a bit. Could be easy to assume Tony's alone there."

"_I'm going to do a little digging on Mrs. DiNozzo,"_ Fornell said.

"I think my information will answer a lot of questions for you," Gibbs said. He wasn't trying to make it a pissing contest. This was too important. This was Tony's life, his family, that was at stake. He couldn't risk screwing it all up. "Where's his father through all of this?"

"_His father was arrested for Obstruction of Justice when we brought Mrs. DiNozzo in for questioning. He contacted a lawyer, contacted the Magistrate, and got himself out on bail on a written promise to appear before a Grand Jury. He's a bit of a flight risk, but I really don't think he's involved in the shooting at your house. He seemed more surprised than anyone,"_ Fornell said.

"He's a crooked bastard, but I think deep down somewhere in that greedy heart of his he does actually care for his son," Gibbs admitted.

"_I'm not convinced of his mother's innocence,"_ Fornell said.

"Step Mother," Gibbs said. "She's not his biological mother. Speaking of which…see if you can find out any kind of information on the relationship between her and Jason before his parents divorced, and see if you can find any evidence of her behaving badly after she married DiNozzo."

"_What are you getting at Gibbs?"_

"I'm getting at the fact that she acted very strange and very inappropriate to Tony."

"_Inappropriate how?"_

"The way you wish Diane would have acted with you Tobias," Gibbs snarked with a smirk.

"_Oh you funny bastard,"_ Fornell said snarkily. _"That's just…are you serious?"_

"I'm serious. It's disturbing and I want to know if there's more to it than just my gut feeling."

"_Your gut hasn't been wrong since I've known you."_

"It hasn't been wrong in longer than that," Gibbs said. "Do you need Tony to come in?"

"_Not really. Why, where are you guys staying?"_

"Stillwater."

"_Keep him there. You two deserve a break. Let me handle this one for you. I'll take care of it and I'll call you if I need to talk to Tony."_

"Wait a couple of days if you can. He's…having a rough time."

"_Kid laid his head on a bomb. I think anybody would deserve to have a rough time after that."_

"Don't call him a kid, Tobias. Makes me feel…"

"_Oooh! Ehhh. Yeah. I gotcha. Won't happen again,"_ Fornell said and Gibbs could almost hear the shudder in his friend's voice.

"Let me know when you find out something."

"_Will do."_

Gibbs snapped the phone shut. He turned to the doorway of the guest room and kept his expression even. "You can come out now Tony," he said. Tony stepped sheepishly around the corner. "How much did you hear?"

Tony didn't answer; instead he crossed the room and sat down next to Gibbs on the bed. His finger idly traced over the plaid pattern, and he didn't look at Gibbs for a long moment. "Tony?" Gibbs asked softly. Tony looked up at Gibbs and his face was filled with so much confusion and sorrow that it nearly broke the older man's heart. Tony leaned his head against Gibbs' shoulder and moved the tracing finger from the blanket to Gibbs' leg.

"Do you have questions you need answered?" Gibbs asked quietly.

It seemed Tony didn't hear him for a long moment and then he nodded silently. A hand slowly rose towards the back of his head and he began tugging slightly on his hair. Gibbs reached over and took Tony's hand in his own. "Ok," Gibbs said. He tilted his head so he could see Tony's face better. "Wanna talk about it now?" Tony shook his head and kept his eyes fixed on Gibbs' lap, one finger still tracing a meaningless pattern, while the other hand held Gibbs' hand tightly. "Do you want me to tell you what's going on?"

Tony looked up at him and Gibbs could see the complete and utter trust in his eyes and shook his head. He didn't want to know. He glanced anxiously at the go-bags that were piled in the corner of the room and then back at Gibbs and then at the door. He bit his lower lip nervously.

"We aren't leaving," Gibbs said. "We're staying here with my dad for a while. How's that sound?"

Tony smiled and nodded and leaned his head back against Gibbs' shoulder. Gibbs was a bit confused by this quiet, cuddly Tony. It was a bit different from how things had been going, but he wasn't complaining. At least Tony wasn't shutting him out.

"Are you hungry?" Gibbs asked. "I think Dad made dinner."

Tony nodded and Gibbs could see the gratefulness in his eyes. He knew he was right not to push. There would be a time for that. But it wasn't today. Today was all about eating, being comfortable, and feeling safe.

And with any luck, Gibbs thought to himself, putting away a couple of psychos—at least for the rest of Tony's life.

xxx

Gibbs led Tony down the stairs and into the kitchen. Jackson was at the stove dishing up huge, heaping bowls of chicken noodles. The gravy covered the noodles and the chicken and the vegetables and it smelled heavenly. Gibbs raised an eyebrow when he saw that there was a bowl of salad on the table along with a loaf of bread with butter. "Smells good Dad," he commented, not taking his eye off the bowl of salad.

"Thank you son," Jackson said with a grin in Tony's direction. "Make sure you get lots of salad," he said as he passed Gibbs the bowl. "Don't want it to go to waste."

Gibbs served up some salad for himself and put a bowl of salad in front of Tony as well. Tony turned up his nose and frowned at Gibbs, but his eyes were twinkling. Gibbs smiled snarkily at Tony. "Oh you think that's funny?" he said softly. Tony smiled and nodded. Gibbs nodded and picked up the tongs. "Ok then," he said. He scooped his own heap of salad up and put it in Tony's bowl. "There ya go funny man. You can have mine."

Tony's eyes popped open wide and he picked up a piece of the lettuce and dropped it right in the middle of Gibbs' noodles. Then the unexpected happened: Tony giggled.

Gibbs stopped and looked at him carefully. Tony was still giggling. His smile filled his entire face and the set of his shoulders was relaxed. Gibbs glanced at his dad and smiled. Jackson clapped Tony on the shoulder and joined him in the giggles. Jethro glanced at his plate, then at the two laughing men, and he felt himself lighten. A chuckle bubbled from his own lips and before long they were all giggling uncontrollably at the dinner table.

xxx

Fornell kicked the side of his desk, leaving a dent in the side of it. He threw the file down on the desk and kicked it again. "GODDAMMIT!" he roared.

Sacks looked up from his desk. "What's wrong Boss?" he asked.

"Just got a call from the Director," he snapped.

"What's the director want?"

"He wants us to let Mary DiNozzo go. He says there's not sufficient evidence to keep her. We can keep digging and keep an eye on her. She has to agree to stay in the country."

"But we've all but proven her motives!"

"But it's all circumstantial. It's the way it works. We've got nothing concrete. All we have are a bunch of coincidences."

"Thought you didn't believe in coincidences, Boss?" Sacks raised his eyebrows at Fornell.

"Not my call," Fornell said. "Get her to sign the promise to stay in the US and let her go."

xxx

Jackson had turned on a movie for them to watch, trying to keep the calm, lighthearted mood for the evening. Wild River played on the television screen and he was spending more time watching Tony and Leroy than he was watching Ella Girth argue with the government man about her land. Tony was lying on his side with his head on Gibbs' leg. One of his hands was tracing an idle pattern on the denim of Gibbs' jeans again and one of Gibbs's hands was moving idly through Tony's hair. They were both absorbed in the old movie, both listening to the dialogue, neither one paying attention to Jackson, and neither one seeming to realize they were so engrossed in the other. Their physical contact was so comfortable, so familiar, it warmed Jackson's heart. This…this is what Leroy had needed…it's what he'd needed ever since Shannon passed.

Tony was very relaxed under the gentle touches of his partner and his eyelids were getting heavy. The movie was quiet, relaxing, with a sweet and sad story to tell. Tony's eyes started to drift closed and his finger slowly stilled. Jackson smiled as Tony slowly drifted off to sleep, happy that the young man seemed to be relaxing so well under his and Leroy's watch. A sudden buzzing sound had Tony jerking and flinching hard and Leroy startling at the unexpected noise and movement.

"Is that your phone?" Gibbs asked softly as Tony raised to a sit on the couch.

Tony nodded absently, still sleepy, and dug in his pocket. He squinted in the semi-dark room and frowned when he saw who the caller was on the Caller ID. His eyes widened and his entire body tensed—the calm, happy moment from earlier now passed.

"Tony?" Gibbs leaned forward and put a hand on Tony's shoulder. "You ok?"

Tony shook his head and took a deep breath. He held up the phone. Gibbs took it from him and looked at it. "Senior," he growled. "What's he want?" He glanced at Tony. "Do you want me to answer it?"

Tony nodded and Gibbs flipped the phone open. "Yeah, Gibbs."

"_Gibbs! Where is my son? I need to speak with him. Immediately."_

"Well you can't," Gibbs said coolly. "But I can give him a message."

"_Look…um…Gibbs…I was wrong…to do what I did. I shouldn't have asked Anthony for a loan. I wanted to apologize to him. And…I was going to see if he had any suggestions to help me solve a small problem I've got."_

"What problem?" Gibbs asked. Tony touched his arm and then touched his ear and pointed to the phone. Gibbs hit the button to put the call on speaker phone.

"_We were arrested,"_ Senior started.

"For what? You realize you can get Tony into trouble for contacting him if you're asking for help?" Gibbs barked.

"_I was released on bail. I'm out legally. I swear. Mary is still in custody though. I um…I have no money. I have nowhere to go. Obviously I am not welcome at the hotel anymore…I don't want to borrow any money…but I was just wondering…if Anthony knew anywhere to stay that I could either afford or stay at for free?"_ Senior's voice dropped to a mumble as he finished.

Tony's eyes widened and he looked at Gibbs. He pointed at himself. "Hold on a moment," Gibbs told Senior, and he hit the mute button on the phone. "I don't understand Tony. What are you trying to tell me?"

Tony dug into his pocket and pulled out his keys and jingled them. "Your apartment?" Gibbs asked. He was stunned. He wasn't expecting that. Tony nodded.

"You can use Tony's apartment. I'll call up Tim McGee and have him let you in. Where are you now?"

"_I am leaving FBI Headquarters."_

"Wait, you were arrested by the FBI?" Gibbs asked, playing dumb. "What did you do?"

"_I didn't do anything! I was arrested for Obstruction of Justice!"_

"What were you obstructing?"

"_The Feds were harassing my wife! I was protecting her!"_

"Uh huh…I'll call McGee up and have him meet you there. Do us a favor and don't cause any problems at Tony's apartment ok?"

"_Of course not Gibbs. And it's just me. I don't know if Mary's going to get out of jail or not…I just don't know."_

"I'll have McGee meet you."

"_Thank you for this Gibbs,"_ Senior said.

"We'll see," Gibbs said coolly. He snapped the phone shut. He looked at Tony. "You sure about this?"

Tony hesitated for a moment, but then nodded.

xxx

Senior was freezing. He'd called a cab after getting off the phone with Gibbs and asked them to take him to Tony's brownstone apartment building. Gibbs told him that some kid named McGee would meet him, but there wasn't anyone here. Now he'd been sitting outside this building for nearly an hour. It was snowing lightly and there was an icy slush on the sidewalks that was making his toes feel cold. Where the hell was that kid McGee at? He pulled out his cell phone and debated calling Gibbs back but he wasn't sure that'd be a good idea. The man was never too hospitable. And he hadn't been able to talk to Tony at all since the other night at dinner.

Finally—long after dark, and nearly two hours after he'd spoken with Gibbs, a young man walked up and actually didn't look at him like he was growing a foot out of his head. "Are you Mr. DiNozzo?" the kid asked. His tone was short and Senior immediately wasn't sure he liked this guy.

"Depends on who's asking," he replied in an equally snippy voice.

"Hey look pal, I can go back home," the kid snapped. "I'd be happier sitting at home watching Project UFO than I am being out here in the cold with you."

"Well no one forced you to come out here," Senior sneered.

"Actually," the kid said, sticking the key in the lock to unlock the front door to the building. "I'm doing a favor to Tony. This has nothing to do with you."

"What's your issue with me?"

McGee turned around and poked Senior in the chest with the key. "I think it's really shitty the way you treat your son," he snapped. "Tony deserves better than he's getting. If it was up to me you'd sleep on the sidewalk. But he is a better, more generous person than me I guess. It'd be real nice if you remembered that and treated him better."

Senior was wise to keep his mouth shut on the way up the stairs. Once they reached the apartment, Senior made a bee-line for the kitchen. He opened the refrigerator and he frowned. "Where's the food?" he asked. "What the hell? Does my son not eat?"

Tim crossed his arms and smirked. "I was told to let you sleep here. I didn't hear anything about eating. I am not footing the bill for your food. I don't give a rat if you eat or not."

"He doesn't have any food here!"

"He hasn't lived here in a couple of months," McGee said. "He's only keeping the apartment so he doesn't have to pay for breaking his lease." He didn't know that for sure, but he did know that Tony had been staying with Gibbs since well before Christmas.

"What am I supposed to do about food?"

"Grocery shop? Order pizza? Duck hunt?"

"Aren't you clever," Senior snapped. "I have no money!"

"Ohhhh well I don't know how to help you. Guess you'll starve." McGee shrugged. "Oh well." He turned to leave.

"Are you seriously just going to leave me here? No key, no phone, no nothing?"

"You've proven you have a cell phone because you called Tony. As for the rest of it? Yes. I was told to let you in. Gibbs said nothing about playing homemaker with your or picking out curtains or cooking your dinner. I don't give a shit if you eat. You're in the building, out of the snow. My job here is done."

"Wait…please wait," Senior said.

McGee stopped, his hand on the doorknob and he didn't turn around. "What?"

"I've been…wondering something. Maybe you can help me."

"I'm listening." Tim turned around and glared steadily at Senior. Senior stopped for a moment, frozen by the glare from the young man. He wondered if it was a trick he'd learned from Gibbs.

"Gibbs…he's only just met me…and yet…" he sighed and his shoulders drooped making him look older. "He seems like he hates me. And I'm wondering…is he like that with everyone?"

McGee snickered. "Oh no. He's not like that with everyone. I mean…he'll tell you himself that the second B in his name stands for 'bastard,' but you…you're in a class all on your own. Gibbs thinks Hell has a special place for those people who treat their children badly. And let's face it…you use Tony like a chump. If you knew anything about Gibbs, or about Gibbs and Tony's relationship, you would not even bother to ask that question. You not only wouldn't bother to ask, but you wouldn't bother to ever bother Tony and Gibbs again. My advice? Once you leave? Stay gone."

McGee turned around and left, and Senior couldn't help but flinch when he heard the door lock behind him.

xxx

After Gibbs hung up Tony's phone and set it back on the table he looked at Tony. "You ok?" Tony seemed shaken. His hands were trembling and his face was pale. He nodded shakily and Gibbs didn't buy it for a minute, but decided to let him have a reprieve. "Wanna finish watching the movie?" Tony gazed at the screen longingly and ran a hand up the outside of his arm. Gibbs wrapped an arm around his shoulders and hugged him gently. "Tony?"

Tony nodded. He turned and looked at Gibbs and kept nodding. "Turn the movie back on," Gibbs whispered to his dad. "Let's see how it ends. I wanna see what Old Bailey's up to. Don't you Tony?"

Tony was staring blankly. He blinked and Gibbs could tell how tired he was. "Why don't ya lay back down and we'll finish watching the movie," Gibbs suggested. Tony looked at him for a long moment and then nodded. He shifted slowly and laid back down with his head on Gibbs' leg, assuming the position that he was in earlier. He started tracing the idle pattern again, but unlike before, this time he wasn't relaxing. The set of his shoulders was tense, and his hands didn't stop shaking.

Once the movie was over, and Tony had still not relaxed, Gibbs ran a hand lightly down Tony's side. "Wanna call Cheryl?" he asked.

Tony nodded and Gibbs pulled out the phone. He dialed the number and listened as it rang. A moment later Cheryl answered the phone. "Cheryl it's Gibbs," he said.

"_Hi Gibbs! How is everyone doing?"_

"Well we got some rest today which is good," Gibbs said, "But we heard from Tony's father again tonight and…Tony's kind of upset."

"_Is Tony able to talk?"_

"No his voice still isn't working," Gibbs said softly.

"_Ok, I want him to have a piece of paper and a pen,"_ Cheryl said_. "I can't just ask yes or no questions."_

"Hold on a minute," Gibbs said. "Dad, can you grab Tony some paper and a pen?"

"Of course, give me just a second." Jackson got up and hurried from the room.

Gibbs turned on the speaker phone. "Tony can hear you now Cheryl," he said.

"_Hi Tony,"_ she said gently_. "I hear you're not feeling so great. We're going to talk about it together ok? I'm going to ask you some questions, and I want you to write out your answers on the paper that Gibbs is getting for you. Once you write out your answers I'd like Gibbs to read them out loud. That way I don't have to stick to yes or no questions. Gibbs are you here?"_

"Here," Gibbs said.

"_Do you have the paper?"_

Jackson was coming back into the room. "Getting it now," Gibbs said.

"Do you want me to give you guys some privacy?" Jack asked.

Tony shook his head. No. Jackson nodded and sat down in his chair again, ready to help if needed, but otherwise staying quiet.

"_Excellent,"_ Cheryl said. _"Now Tony. How did you sleep last night?"_

Tony smiled. Leave it to Cheryl to completely change the topic first thing off the bat. He picked up the pen and started writing on the pad of paper that Jack had brought to him. He wrote for a bit then handed the pad to Gibbs.

"He says _**'I had a pretty bad nightmare last night about what happened with Ari and I woke up and woke Gibbs up too. We were up for a bit and then we both fell asleep on the couch. I slept all day. I just woke up right before dinner.'**_"

"_Good Tony, that's excellent,"_ Cheryl said. _"Have you eaten?"_

Tony took the pad back from Gibbs and began writing again. When he was finished he handed it to Gibbs, who began to read again. "_**'I was pretty upset after I had the bad dream, and I accidentally woke up Jethro and Jackson. Jackson offered to make breakfast, even though it was the middle of the night, haha…he made us chocolate chip silver dollar pancakes. I ate six of them with butter…I wanted more but I was afraid I'd throw up if I ate more. Then we went back to sleep…and once I woke up at dinner time, Gibbs' dad made us chicken noodles and salad. Gibbs and I…we kind of got into a food fight with the salad…I ate a bunch of noodles though, and they had chicken and vegetables and gravy in them, and I ate some salad and a piece of bread.'**_"

"_Tony I am so proud of you!"_

Tony snatched the pad back. "_**'Why?'**_" Gibbs read a moment later. "_**'I've been sleeping to avoid everything. I don't want to deal! I'm a screw up!'**_" He frowned at Tony's words.

"_You aren't a screw up,"_ Cheryl said firmly. _"And I think that it's natural for you to need some sleep. It's the same with your voice. Your body is trying to process the stress that it was put through. Don't beat yourself up. Praise yourself for listening to your body. It's not easy to do that. Now. Tell me what happened this evening."_

Tony looked like he wanted to protest that, but Gibbs raised his eyebrow, indicating that he agreed with Cheryl. Knowing he was outnumbered, Tony dropped his head and nodded. He took the pad back from Gibbs and began writing. He wrote for a while, starting and stopping several times, and finally handed the pad back to his partner. Gibbs glanced over the words and felt his gut twist. He hoped Cheryl would pick up on it.

"'_**I didn't get upset…My dad calling just caught me off guard.'**_"

"_That's all you wrote Tony?"_

Tony nodded. "He says yes," Gibbs said quietly.

"_Ok, that's ok now. Now I'd like you to unpack it for me,"_ Cheryl said. _"You're not getting off easy just because you can't talk."_ Gibbs thought he could hear a smile in her voice, but he was willing to bet Tony missed it. He reluctantly took the pad back from Gibbs and started writing again. He wrote for a few moments and then handed the paper back.

"'_**He**_ _**said he didn't have anywhere to stay. He got arrested…I'm not sure why, but…but he got out. He got kicked out of his hotel and he didn't have anywhere to go. So he called me.'**_"

"_Good Tony. Now we're getting somewhere. What happened when he called you?"_

"'_**He…well Gibbs talked to him…and he…he was looking for a place to stay.'**_"

"_Did he ask to stay with you?"_

"'_**No…no he asked if…he said he was out of money…makes sense cause he asked me for money the other night…last night at dinner. He wanted to find a place to stay where he wouldn't have to pay much or pay anything. He's broke.'**_"

"_And what did you and Gibbs tell him?"_

"'_**We um…Gibbs didn't really want to help him…I don't think…but…I couldn't…he's my dad…I couldn't leave him…it's snowing. There's ice. He's my dad. I…I didn't know what else to do…so I told him he could stay in my apartment.'**_"

"_Do you want him to stay in your apartment?"_

"'_**I didn't want him to be cold…he couldn't afford a hotel room…I didn't want him to freeze. He…He's my dad. He's wacky and crazy and a con man, but…but he's my dad.'**_"

"_You didn't answer my question,"_ Cheryl pointed out gently. _"I know it's difficult Tony. It's just us though…your father isn't hearing anything you're telling me. Do you want him staying there?"_

"'_**No…but I'm not going to make him leave. He can stay there. It's just for a few days. He'll go back home soon. Or wherever. I don't want him to be cold.'**_"

"_He isn't cold. If he's staying in your apartment, then he's safe and he's warm. I'm wondering though…why are you so worried about him being cold? Other than the fact that he's your dad."_

"'_**Being cold…it…it hurts. I don't want him to hurt.'**_"

"_How do you know that being cold hurts Tony? Have you ever been cold?"_

There was another long pause. Tony's hand trembled as it held the pen and he wrote slower this time. "_**'Yes. When I was a kid. Once.'**_"

"_Can you tell me about that? Why were you cold? What did it feel like?"_

This time, Tony raised a hand to his face and he pinched the bridge of his nose and then pressed against his eyes with his fingers. It was nearly two minutes before he took the pen and pad from Gibbs. He wrote slowly, but his normally messy handwriting was nearly illegible.

"'_**I was little…maybe six or seven…and it was winter time. Dad and Mommy told me to stay inside…and I did for most of the day…but then I saw…I saw this cat…outside. It looked cold…so…so I wanted to see if I could help it. So I went outside. I ended up…I had to chase the cat for a while before I caught it…it was starting to get dark and I was afraid I was going to get into trouble. I…I took the cat back to the house with me…I had missed dinner. My parents…they weren't happy.'**_" Gibbs' voice cracked as he read the next part. He took a steadying breath and spoke as clearly as he could, though he was struggling to maintain his control. "_**'When my dad saw me standing on the porch with the cat…the door was locked and I couldn't get back in…he asked me what I was doing. So I told him. And he told me to let the cat go. I didn't really want to, but I knew better than to not listen to him. So I let the cat go. And…I started to come inside. And he stopped me. And told me if I liked being out in the snow so much…'" Gibbs took a deep, shuddery breath. "'If I liked being in the snow so much I could stay outside…He…he made me stay up…stay outside…all night…and…and the next morning they let me back inside…and helped me get warm…but my feet were blue…and my fingers…were numb…and…and it hurt…it hurt so bad.'**_"

The words hung like a heavy shroud for a few silent moments. Tony put his face in his hands and rested his elbows on his knees. Gibbs sat, staring at the pad of paper in his hand, the other hand covering his mouth and trembling just slightly. Jackson sat in quiet horror, trying not to disturb the important conversation happening, but filled with a million questions about Tony's childhood that he felt misplaced for wanting to ask.

Finally, Cheryl spoke. _"Tony? I know this is difficult, but you're being very brave. Can you tell me how they helped you warm up?"_

Tony looked at the phone like Cheryl was going to climb out of it. He sighed and took the pad from Gibbs. Gibbs looked at him, concern on his features. "Ok Tony?" he asked softly. Tony nodded shakily and picked up the pen. He wrote for a few minutes and then passed the pad to Gibbs. He wondered what the relevance was. Why did it matter how they warmed him up? They warmed him up—that was the important thing, right?

"Ok here's what he said," Gibbs said. "_**'They put me in the bathtub. Turned on the shower. I don't know how hot it was. There was steam in the bathroom. It hurt—burned like fire. My hands and feet hurt so bad. And then I got so sleepy. So they put me to bed. My hands and feet were sore for days. One of my fingers wouldn't bend right and one of my toes was blue for days. Hurts. Still hurts when it gets cold.'**_"

Finally Gibbs felt like he could act. He reached forward and grabbed Tony's hands. "Which finger?" he asked softly. "Show me?"

Tony looked at him in awe for a long moment before showing him the pinky finger on his left hand. "That one?" Gibbs whispered. Upon closer inspection, Gibbs could see that it didn't straighten out like the others and its coloring was slightly different. Gibbs glanced to the window. "It's winter…are you hurting now?"

Tony was still and quiet for a long moment, staring at his hand. Finally he shook his head. He wasn't hurting.

Gibbs lifted Tony's hand gently and he pressed the lightest of kisses to Tony's smallest finger. It was smaller than all of the other fingers—how had Gibbs never noticed that?!

Gibbs had made a mistake. He'd broken one of his own rules. He'd made an assumption that he had all of the facts. He thought the only abuse and mistreatment that Tony had experienced as a child had been at his step-mother's hands. It was a huge error, a gross mistake. He could kick his own ass, slap himself in the head for doing it. So stupid. He knew better. He wondered how many other people had misjudged Senior and his wife and their treatment of their son. He wondered how many other stories Tony had not told him…wondered how much hell his partner had experienced as a small, innocent, vulnerable child.

Before anyone could say anything, Gibbs' phone beeped. Gibbs glanced at the screen on it and frowned. "That's Fornell calling again," he said softly.

Tony raised fear filled eyes to Gibbs and then glanced at the phone. He wished like hell that he could talk. Although…after everything he'd had to write out tonight, he was glad he couldn't speak. He wasn't sure he'd have been able to speak all of that. He nudged Gibbs' arm and looked pointedly at the phone.

"Cheryl I'm getting a call in from the Agent who arrested Tony's parents earlier. Can we give ya a ring right back?"

"_Of course. Call me back when you can. Any time of day or night."_

"Thanks Cheryl." He closed the phone. By the time he got off the phone with Cheryl he'd missed the call with Fornell. He quickly hit the speed dial button to return the call.

"_Gibbs! What the hell are ya doing?"_

"Sorry was on the other line," Gibbs said. "What's up?"

"_Got a development."_

"Lay it on me."

"_Mary DiNozzo was released. All of the stuff we have is circumstantial. She's agreed to stay in the US."_

"Shit," Gibbs said softly. He glanced at Tony whose eyes were wide, but he didn't look overly surprised. "Any word on where she's heading?"

"_Said something about going to visit someone," _Fornell said. _"But none of us heard who it was."_

"That's alright," Gibbs said. "We're in Stillwater. She won't find us here." He glanced at Tony who nodded, the relief evident on his face.

"I'll keep ya updated. We're still digging. We're hoping we can find something concrete, one way or another, so we'll know if she's really involved in the attempted murder or not."

Tony flinched at Fornell's words and Gibbs wrapped an arm around his shoulders. Tony looked at Jackson whose face was unable to hide the emotions he was feeling. Emotions of anger, disgust, and sadness. Jackson saw Tony's expression change. "Why don't we go get something to drink Tony?" he said gently. "I want to talk to you for a moment while Leroy is on the phone with the FBI."

Tony nodded uncertainly, not knowing whether Jackson was going to rake him over the coals for being so weak or not. He meekly followed the other man into the kitchen and sank listlessly into the chair he'd occupied at both breakfast and dinner. Jackson pulled out a pot and poured in some milk. Then he opened a cabinet and pulled down a box of chocolate and began breaking chunks off of it into the milk. He put the pot on the stove and turned it on. Then he joined Tony at the table. He saw that Tony looked slightly frightened and worried.

"I'm so sorry you've been hurt so badly son," he said quietly. "Makes me angry when parents treat their kids that way…other parents, good parents, don't get the opportunity to see their children grown, and it seems as though the rotten parents always end up living forever and sticking around to wreak havoc."

Tony's brow furrowed in questioning and he tilted his head to one side.

"I'm not talking about Leroy," Jackson continued. "Though he was an amazing father. Shame what happened there…no I was talking about my Annie, Leroy's mother. She died when he was only twelve."

Tony's expression changed to one of sadness.

"You'd have liked her. She was beautiful. Auburn hair, big green eyes…honestly you look like you could be her son," Jackson said with a smile. "And she was crazy about her little Leroy. 'Jethro' she called him—first one to ever to do that. She adored him. Was a wonderful mother. She was the backbone in the family…after she died…Leroy and I had a hard time. But one thing we both knew without any doubt was that she loved us both. I wish she could have met you. She would love you. She'd fuss over you and take you under her wing and give you a mother like you've never had before."

Tony flinched slightly at Jackson's words, but the old man didn't let it deter him. "The things you've been through and have experienced or not experienced…Tony it isn't your fault. The things that have happened to you are things a child shouldn't ever have happen to them. But it isn't your fault. I don't know a lot about your childhood, and I didn't know you when you were a little boy, but I know you as a grown man, and I can tell you that you're lovable, and you're charming, and you're smart, and funny, and you're honest and compassionate—you care so much about the people around you. People who grow up like that are good kids too. You were a good kid Tony. I have no doubt about that. And the stuff that happened to you…you didn't deserve it." Tony's eyes filled with tears and his bottom lip quivered. "You didn't deserve it son," Jackson said. He stood up and walked around to Tony and wrapped him in a warm, fatherly, safe embrace. "You didn't deserve it. It wasn't your fault," he murmured. He smiled sadly when he felt Tony's arms wrap around him and his hands clutched on to the back of his shirt. He ran a hand over Tony's hair when he felt the warm, dampness of tears on his shirt. "That's it, he whispered. "Let it out. I've got you. You're safe here. It's alright now."

Jackson looked up and saw Leroy standing in the doorway. His expression was sad. Jethro looked at his father and smiled slightly, nodding his head. Jackson smiled back and hugged Tony a little bit tighter. Jethro came over to them and wrapped an arm around both of their shoulders. The three of them remained there, huddled, until Tony's tears passed. Finally the broke away slowly and Jackson moved to stir the warming hot chocolate. Jethro handed Tony a paper towel to use on his face and Tony smiled sheepishly and blew his nose.

"Sorry," he whispered, his voice cracked and broken. His eyes widened then, and Jackson turned around and joined Leroy in his surprised gaze.

"You can talk?" Jethro asked.

"I think so," Tony said. It kind of sounded like he'd been gargling broken glass, but it was an improvement. Tony sounded like he had a horrible case of laryngitis. It sounded like talking was painful and Jethro winced.

"Maybe…maybe take it easy for a bit," Jethro suggested. "Sounds kinda rough. I'd keep resting it some if I were you."

Tony nodded and smiled up at Jackson when he put a mug of hot chocolate in front of him. "Thanks Jack," he whispered, a sad smile tugging at his lips. "For everything, not just the chocolate."

"No need to thank family, son," Jackson said with a gentle smile. He ruffled Tony's hair and turned around to Jethro. "So Leroy," he said. "What did the FBI have to say?"

"There is circumstantial evidence that is linking Tony's mom to the attempts on his life."

Tony's eyes widened. "Attempts? But there was only one…"

"There were actually two, we found out," Jethro said softly. "The shooter in the house…he wasn't there to take Ari out. He confessed to murder…premeditated…but not to Ari's."

"Then who's? Who else died?" Jackson asked.

Gibbs looked from his dad to Tony, who had a sick look on his face. "He confessed to murdering Tony," he said quietly. "He mistook Ari for you. Dark house, dark hair…he goofed."

"Who the hell is this guy?" Tony grated out harshly.

"His name is Jason Schwartz. He's your mom's son from her first marriage."

"The kid you were telling me about at Cheryl's office?"

"Yep," Jethro said. "Same guy."

"Jesus God, why does the whole free world seem to want me dead?" Tony croaked.

Gibbs cupped his face and made Tony look him in the eye. "I don't know, but I'll tell you one thing," he said very seriously. When Tony didn't speak, only stared at him, Jethro continued. "I promise you. I give you my word. No one will hurt you again. I will keep you safe. I promise."

"Can't promise that," Tony whispered hoarsely, shaking his head slightly in Gibbs' grasp.

Gibbs kissed his forehead solemnly. Tony thought it felt like a blessing. "Can promise that," Gibbs said softly. "Do promise that."

Tony smiled shyly up at him. He was still getting used to this "new normal" that Cheryl spoke of. The normal where he sometimes felt scared, sometimes felt vulnerable, sometimes felt like he needed protecting by someone other than himself. "I believe you," he whispered. He had to believe Gibbs. Gibbs was all he had. Gibbs was his rock.

"Do you want to call Cheryl back and finish our conversation with her?" Jethro asked.

Tony shook his head. He smiled at Gibbs, and then at Jackson. "Nah," he whispered. "Think…for now at least…think I'm good. Think I'm going to be ok."

xxx

Jason Schwartz looked up when he heard the door on the cell block open. A big, bulking chunk of a man stopped in front of the barred cell that was housing the confessed killer. "Jason Schwartz?" he said. Jason nodded. "I am Agent Gary Jerome. I'll be transporting you to the United States Federal Penitentiary, Hazelton, where you will be remanded to custody until your sentencing hearing."

"Sentencing hearing? I don't get a trial?"

"There's no need for a trial if you already confessed to murder, Princess," Jerome said with a smirk. "Figured a brainy guy like you'd know that. Stick your arms through the opening in the bars, point your thumbs at the ground." Jason complied. He watched as Gary Jerome fastened on the handcuffs.

"That's too tight," Jason said softly. "It's biting into my wrist."

Jerome eyed him cautiously for a moment before loosening the cuffs ever so slightly. "There ya go. Last thing I need is for you to lose a hand on my watch." He guided Jason out of the cell and towards the exit door in the main holding area.

"Need help Gary?" the other Agent near the door asked. "Want someone to ride with you?"

"Nah, gonna cuff junior here in the back of the car and have a nice ride up and down the countryside. I'll be back before dinner."

Jason couldn't believe his luck. He'd wondered if there would be any break for him between here and wherever they would take him. He needed time to think. Time to make a plan. He needed to get free of this doofus who calls himself an agent, and he needed to get a gun. Once he did that…well then he needed to get Tony DiNozzo's address. He was going to off that bastard once and for all. But first…first order of business was dealing with Mr. Jerome.

Jerome shoved him into the backseat, and Jason smiled when he didn't move his cuffs around behind him. The agent slid into the driver's seat and pulled out into traffic. As they drove, heading out of the city, Jerome stopped and bought himself an extra value meal at a fast food joint, got himself a big soda which he prided himself with slurping loudly as they travelled on. He was a sloppy eater, steering with one hand while he dripped ketchup and mustard on himself with the other hand. He cussed and fussed, bitching about needing a napkin, about not having enough hands, about sloppy ass burgers that always gave him indigestion and always made him have to change his shirts.

Jason knew the prison they were hauling him to was about three hours from Washington DC. He knew that he was headed for West Virginia. He'd done his homework ahead of time—he knew exactly what was coming, knew generally what to expect. He hadn't really expected to get off scot-free from all of this, after all. Jason was many things, but he was no dummy. He was a planner. A very, very careful planner. The road to the prison led straight out of DC—and straight into several West Virginia State Forests. The trees were bare in the winter daylight and there was some snow clinging to the ground—waiting on another snow, his father always said. He glanced around and smiled. There were no other cars around. And then—something even BETTER happened.

Gary Jerome pulled the car off the road.

"Sit tight Princess," he said with a smile in the rearview mirror. "I gotta take a leak. Be back in a second." The large agent rolled out of the car and lumbered over to a tree. Jason yawned and stretched as much as he could with handcuffs on, and slid over just slightly in the seat. He wasn't belted in—turns out Jerome didn't care if he was safe or not.

Apparently he wasn't too worried for his own safety either.

Jerome returned to the car after a few moments, still adjusting his pants and he belched loudly as he sank heavily in to the seat. "I'm back now Princess. You ready to hit the road?"

"Not quite," Jason said softly. He immediately jabbed two fingers into the underside of Gary Jerome's meaty jaw. Jerome gasped and tried to flinch away, but Jason used his other hand and got hold of Jerome's short hair, effectively immobilizing his head. In a matter of seconds, Gary Jerome's eyelids fluttered and he drooped heavily in the seat. With another glance around to make sure there were no witnesses, Jason climbed over the seat. Jerome had locked the backdoors using a feature similar to the child safety locks—he was unable to open the back door. The front doors, however, were easily opened. He dug into Jerome's pocket and pulled out the handcuff keys. He quickly freed his hands, giving him many more options on what to do next. He cuffed the unconscious agent and as he climbed out of the car, he dragged Jerome over to the passenger seat. Then Jason hurried to the driver's seat. He had to get them somewhere more secluded. He had to hurry, too—Jerome wouldn't stay so docile and unresponsive for long.

Just up the road was a dirt path, miraculously not covered in snow, and winding straight off the road and out of sight. He pulled the car up into the small covered, hidden area, and he parked the car. He got out and dragged Gary Jerome out of the front seat and laid him on the ground, sprawled on his back. Seeing that he was still unconscious, Jason quickly uncuffed him and rolled him to his stomach. He quickly recuffed the agent's hands behind his back and rolled him back over so he was facing the sky. Jerome groaned as consciousness returned and brought a headache with it. His eyes fluttered open and he blinked weakly in the bright sunlight several times trying to get his eyes and brain to focus. What had happened? The last thing he remembered was getting into the car…Jason—the prisoner—where was he? What the hell was going on?

Jason was sitting on the hood of the Agent's car, chin cupped in his hand, a gleeful smirk on his face. "Well, well, well, look who woke up," he said. Did you have a nice nap, _Princess?_" he sneered.

"Schwartz what the fuck are you doing? You're going to get caught! This is wrong! You don't want to do this!"

"You're right. I probably will get caught. And that's alright. But first I have some business to attend to—business that I cannot attend to if I am locked in some high maximum security cell. And you're wrong about one thing, Agent Jerome," he said sweetly. He hopped off the car and straddled the agent's beefy stomach and sat down hard on it, forcing the air out of the agent's lungs. He stared down into the agent's eyes and waited until he saw the slightest hint of anxiety forming there. "I absolutely DO want to do this. I will take great pleasure in this."

Having said that he began unbuttoning the agent's shirt. He didn't bother to undo the agent's tie, as he wasn't trying to strip him. He only needed to get at the Velcro under the agent's arms. He deftly removed the Kevlar vest that the agent was wearing under his shirt, and he pulled it free. Then he put it on himself. He smiled down at the agent, pale stomach almost luminescent in the sunlight, dark blue tie with mustard and ketchup stains, hanging limply on top of the bare skin. He had to act quickly, and once he acted quickly he'd need to disappear quickly. He made sure he had the car keys in his pocket, ready to grab at a moment's notice. Then he took the agent's gun off of his hip, and he unlocked the safety on it.

"I don't really like you, Gary," he said conversationally. "In fact I think you're damn annoying. So I'm going to give you an education." He stomped hard onto Gary's left knee. "That's for not asking me if I was hungry. I'm starving, by the way. Thanks for asking." He moved a bit closer and he stomped hard onto Gary's right knee. Gary cried out in pain. "That's for being such an arrogant prick," he said. "Really you should be nicer to people. There's no reason to be rude." He sat back down on the hood of the car and smiled. "How's that feeling?" he asked sweetly.

Jerome was biting his lip, trying not to scream in pain. He needed…needed help…needed to call for backup. Jason had found the silencer for the gun—no one would hear if he started shooting. He squirmed violently, gasping and wincing in pain, panting for breaths. He had to get to his cell phone. It was in his pocket. But his arms…just weren't quite long enough…and his legs were useless…Jason had done serious damage to his knees with his heavy foot.

"Are you trying to get at that naughty little cell phone?" Jason asked. He dug into Gary's pocket and he pulled it out. He opened it and laid it out beside Gary's head. "There you go sweetheart," he said. Before Gary could even look at the phone though, Jason fired off a shot with the silenced gun, shattering the phone. A food away, the agent on the ground was peppered with pieces of shattered plastic that went flying. Jerome flinched in terror. This guy was absolutely nuts! And now he had no phone. Fear rose in his gut with the sick realization that he was completely trapped, wounded, without backup, in the middle of nowhere with a psychotic killer, and not expected back before dinner time.

Jason stood back and smiled at his handy work. He'd immobilized the agent, showed him who was in charge, and had completely traumatized him. Too bad he wouldn't survive his lessons. He savagely kicked Gary in the stomach and smiled wider when the agent howled in pain. "You're awfully loud," he commented. "I think you should learn not to scream. It's hell on my ears." He leaned down and hit the agent brutally in the mouth with his own gun.

Jason smiled. "That's better," he said. "I bet you'd really like me to put you out of your misery wouldn't you?" he asked sweetly.

To his credit, Agent Gary Jerome remained silent. He stared evenly at the man who would surely kill him, and he didn't make a sound. He didn't blink. He didn't flinch. He was perfectly calm.

Jason was awed by the man's strength. Agent Gary Jerome hadn't impressed Jason at all today with his cocky, brash behavior, and his sloppy manners and his arrogance. But this…now…here in the middle of nowhere, with the man literally staring his death in the face…the cocky arrogance was gone. The agent was stripped bare of everything except for his pride…and he was clinging to it with everything he had. He was not giving in. He was showing no fear. He knew he was going to die, and he was going to go down clinging to his dignity and his pride. And Jason respected that.

"I see you are holding onto your pride and your dignity," Jason said softly. "I have my own pride and dignity that is most important to me. I respect you for being so brave. Therefore, I'm going to make this easy for you. It's up to you if you choose to watch it happen or not." He raised the gun. "Goodbye, Agent Gary Jerome." He fired one shot, turned, and got into the car and drove away.

There was a certain Very Special Agent Tony DiNozzo who had an appointment with demise. And Jason was going to make sure that THIS time, he got the right man.

TBC…


	42. Tension

_Special thanks to my wonderful friend, for all your continued advice and support with this story. You are awesome._

_**WARNING: **_Violence (in the Jason section) and a cliffhanger.

**No Chains Holding Me  
><strong>**Chapter 42: Tension****  
><strong>

After Tony's father called the night before, which led to a call with Cheryl, which led to a call from Fornell, which led to Tony sobbing like a baby in the kitchen on Jackson's shoulder, Tony woke up the next morning feeling surprisingly good. He smiled when he realized he'd slept all night without waking up. Granted, he was upset enough that they hadn't fallen asleep until almost three in the morning, but he'd fallen asleep, and once asleep, he'd stayed there. A quick glance at the clock told him that it was almost nine in the morning, and judging by the arm still hooked heavily around him, Gibbs was still sleeping.

Moving carefully, so he wouldn't wake his partner up, Tony slowly turned over in bed. He tucked a hand up under his head and let his eyes dance over the features of the other man. He watched how the morning sunlight streamed in happy ribbons through the parted curtains, coming to rest on Jethro's face. The light played over each of his features, and Tony took his time looking at each little detail on his partner's face—wrinkles that he noticed hadn't been there very long, a faint scar where he'd been in the explosion in Kuwait, a small place on the side of his head that housed a scar that looked like it would prevent his hair from laying correctly…Tony hadn't ever noticed that scar before—he'd have to remember that next time he picked on Gibbs for his high and tight haircut—perhaps there was a method to Gibbs' madness.

There was a thin layer of scruffy whiskers on Gibbs' face, following the dangerous curve around his jawline before forking and continuing both up to his lips to make a goatee, and down onto his neck. Tony bit his lower lip—there was something about those whiskers that just screamed 'touch me' and Tony balled up his fists to keep from rubbing the other man's face. Now was the time to observe. If you wake up your mark, observing gets much more difficult.

Tony laid there for several minutes, watching Gibbs' slightly parted lips as they breathed in and out with life-giving air, imagining how good it would be to wake him up with some sensual sexy-as-hell attack, and another part of him keeping his fists still balled up to stop himself from touching Gibbs' face. But he could feel his will crumbling, and he just HAD to touch Gibbs' face. He had to see if the early morning whiskers felt as good to him as the five-o-clock shadow. Tony smiled slightly, but his expression morphed into a frown of concentration as he focused on moving so slowly that he wouldn't wake Gibbs up.

Tingles flew up Tony's arm at the sensation of touching his partner, and Tony wasn't sure whether it came solely from touching his partner, or from the added stimulation of ruffling the whiskers there. Tony cupped Gibbs' face lightly in his hand and brushed his thumb back and forth across the slightly scratchy skin—the morning whiskers were scratchier than the five-o-clock shadow.

Without moving, changing his breathing pattern, or opening his eyes, Gibbs suddenly spoke in the early morning quiet. "Was wondering when you'd get around to touching me," he murmured softly.

Tony drew his hand back in surprise, causing Gibbs to open his eyes.

"Morning," Gibbs said softly.

"Morning," Tony whispered back. "I'm um…" he dropped his gaze, "I'm sorry I woke you up."

"Didn't," Gibbs said. "Been awake awhile."

"You coulda got up?"

"Didn't want to," Gibbs smiled softly. "I liked laying here like this with you. I've missed you. Missed your touches."

Tony felt his cheeks color. "I love you," he whispered.

Gibbs smiled, and Tony thought it might be brighter than the morning. "I love you too," he murmured back. "Can I kiss you?"

Tony thought about it for a moment then nodded. Jethro raised up only slightly and leaned over, meeting Tony halfway. They explored each other's mouths gently, without any other movement, and then suddenly Tony lifted his hand to Gibbs' cheek and began running his fingers over the whiskers there.

Jethro pulled back slightly. "Needa shave," he mumbled before reattaching himself to Tony's mouth.

He kissed along Tony's jaw and once their lips were parted, he heard Tony whisper, "No you don't."

"Yeah?" Gibbs asked, a saucy grin gracing his features. He raised up just slightly so Tony could look at him. "You like me all scruffy?"

Tony smiled. "Yeah," he said softly with a gentle smile.

Gibbs nuzzled into Tony's neck then, taking care to rub his scruffy chin along Tony's smoother skin. Tony shivered in pleasure.

As the two continued exploring each other, Tony's hands began to wander from Gibbs' face further south. He ran his hands lightly over Gibbs' chest, feeling the pert nipples underneath the t-shirt the older man slept in. He could feel the broad ranging muscles that hovered just beneath the surface—Gibbs was a man of slight build, but what he lacked in bulk he made up for in power. Gibbs exuded power in everything he did—even in his sleep. Tony's hands wandered up and down Gibbs' sides, rubbing lightly, but not so as to tickle, and he enjoyed being touched equally lightly by his partner.

Gibbs took extra care, when rubbing his hands over Tony's torso, to make sure he didn't do anything that even resembled pinching or grabbing in anyway. He wanted this to be completely pain free and relaxing—it was about love, not about sex.

Finally, after a long while, Tony rolled to his back and he smiled, letting out a deep breath. "Good God," he breathed. "I gotta stop. I gotta…I can't…oh boy," he babbled.

Gibbs chuckled. He knew what Tony meant. Tony wasn't ready to go all the way yet. And he understood that and refused to push. Tony looked over at him, feeling the closest to normal he'd felt in…well he didn't know. "That was amazing," he murmured.

Gibbs smiled and nodded. "Sure was." He rolled over onto his side and Tony rolled onto his side facing him.

"So now what?" Tony asked softly.

"What do you mean?" Gibbs asked.

"I mean what are we going to do for the rest of the day?" Tony asked.

Gibbs was quiet for a long moment, and he rolled his eyes around a bit, as though thinking of what to do. "Um…we could do this," he said finally, his voice rough with emotion.

Tony recalled many days back "before" when they'd spent entire days under the covers, getting up only to get coffee or food or hit the head. Tony and Gibbs had shared a passion for those days, for seeing who could exhaust who first, who could wake the other first, a whole manner of competitions rose from those days. Tony looked over at Gibbs now and his heart was heavy. He wanted that. He missed that. But he couldn't…he just…as bad as he wanted it, he knew above all else that he was not ready for that yet.

"I um…"

"Hey," Gibbs said, cutting him off. "I didn't mean it like that. I just meant…well we both need the rest. My dad's at the store all day…thought it'd be nice to…I dunno, reconnect. I don't mean for us to have sex Tony," he said. "I just want to be close to you."

Tony buried his face in Gibbs' shoulder and the pillow then, feeling silly for being nervous. He should have known that Gibbs wouldn't push him—Gibbs never pushed him. Gibbs always seemed to know exactly how far was enough, and he never pushed Tony to go past that. If Tony expressed a desire to go beyond, he'd gladly go with him, but he'd not push. Tony knew there was no one on the planet that he could be any safer with, than the man laying right here with him.

Gibbs gently pulled Tony back and smiled at him. "Hey," he said softly, tapping Tony under the chin. "None of that. No hiding here. Not with us. Not when it's just us."

Tony nodded. He reached a hand up and fingered Gibbs' hair lightly. "Always watching my six," he whispered.

Gibbs smiled and leaned in, kissing him on the nose. "You know it."

xxx

McGee stomped into the office, still angry about what had transpired the night before. He didn't understand how Tony's father could be such an insensitive jackass when Tony was such a good guy, and he didn't understand why a good guy like Tony would put up with an insensitive jackass like his father. It was all very confusing to the junior agent. Confusing and infuriating—the more the thought about it the angrier it made him. After everything—everything that Tony had been through…now he had to deal with his father too?

"Good morning Tim," Kate said as he passed her desk.

"Morning," McGee grumbled as he flopped down dramatically in his chair.

"What's wrong Probie?" Kate asked, looking up from her monitor. Her pod-mate was unusually sullen and negative this morning.

"Just…something happened last night. Kind of irritates me."

Kate's interests were piqued. "Are you gonna tell me what it is?"

"It's just…I got a call from Gibbs last night. He's with Tony."

"Right. He's been with Tony this whole time."

"They got a call. From Tony's father. Tony's parents…they got arrested."

"WHAT?!"

"And I'm not sure why or the details or anything, but somehow Tony's father ended up out of jail and needing a place to stay. So he called Tony. Senior is staying at Tony's apartment."

"Did Gibbs tell you that?"

"No Gibbs called to tell me to meet him and let him inside Tony's apartment."

"Only his father? Not his mother?"

"No it was only Senior. It's weird Kate," McGee met Kate's eyes. "I have to tell ya. There's something hinky about this."

"Well? What do we normally do when things are hinky?" Kate asked, setting the open file on her desk aside.

McGee smiled. "Well, we _are _investigators," he said.

Kate smiled. "That we are McGee. Let's get busy, shall we?"

xxx

Mary DiNozzo straightened her jacket with a sniff. "You will be hearing from my lawyers," she said snippily, still annoyed by the rough handling she'd been given by the federal agents who'd taken her into custody. Really—handcuffs? She was going to have bruises for weeks because of this! And then they'd left her sitting in that cold, uncomfortable, claustrophobic, horribly darkened interrogation room—all the while still handcuffed—and then she'd been put into a tiny closet of a cell. A holding cell they'd called it. Well what other kind of cell might it have been? Weren't ALL cells _holding cells?_ Yes, Mary DiNozzo was a very unhappy woman. She asked the agent discharging her if her husband was still being held.

"Don't know," the agent replied unhelpfully, continuing through her inventory. "Here's your hairbrush. This is the package of mints that was in your purse. Here's yo—"

"I trust you not to have stolen anything. Give me the damn form and let me out of here. I cannot stand to be here for another minute."

The agent looked blankly at her for a long moment before looking back down to his list. "One tube, Black Radiance Lipstick, color Sahara Red. One silk handkerchief with blue embroidery. One diamond plated folding hand mirror. One Vera Bradley billfold, containing three credit cards, and 79 dollars in cash. One purse, Coach. Imitation." The agent looked at her. "Is there anything I have forgotten?" The agent slid the form across the counter to Mary, along with her belongings.

"YES!" Mary snapped. She shoved the items back into her purse. "You forgot to open the door and let me the hell out of here!"

Moments later, Mary stepped out into the bright sunshine. The cool air on her skin was a welcome change from the dry heat of the federal agency building. She pulled out her cell phone and dialed. She needed help.

xxx

Two hours later, McGee and Kate sat staring in horror at Tim's computer. "Are we sure?" Kate asked softly.

The face staring up at them from the screen, was the face of Tony's step-mother, Mary DiNozzo. But they'd also discovered the same information that Gibbs had discovered several days before. Mary DiNozzo was previously known as Mary Lou Schwartz, a convicted child sexual abuser. She had served time in prison for her crimes, and once released, had disappeared as soon as her probation was finished. Along about that same time, a woman named Mary Peterson had shown up. Her social security number nearly matched Mary Lou's…it was just as Gibbs always said. There was no such thing as coincidences.

"I think so," McGee breathed in horror. "I can't think of any way we'd have this wrong…all of the evidence lines up…God but…" he looked up at Kate and the same thought occurred to them both at the same moment, and they spoke together.

"Does Tony know?"

xxx

Gibbs was lying on his back, enjoying the closeness he was feeling with Tony, when Tony's cell phone rang. They'd been discussing potential plans for the summer. "Want me to get it?" Gibbs asked.

"Sure," Tony murmured. He was warm and comfortable and he didn't want anything to permeate this small bubble of perfection that he and Gibbs had created.

Tony felt Gibbs shift slightly beneath him and a moment later he heard the quiet rumble of Gibbs' baritone. "Agent DiNozzo's phone."

"_Who the hell is this? Where's Tony?"_ the disembodied female voice on the other end snapped.

"This is Agent Gibbs. Agent DiNozzo is unavailable."

"_I need to talk to him! It is important!"_

"Well you can't," Gibbs said coolly. He tightened the arm wrapped around Tony's shoulders, and ran his hand up and down Tony's arm.

"_This is Mary DiNozzo. I need to speak to Tony. I can't find his father!"_

"And why is that my problem?"

"_Agent Gibbs—whatever it is that has you so against me…would you please set it aside? I need to speak with Tony!"_

"And you can't," Gibbs said.

"_Please Agent Gibbs…this…these past couple of days have been…I just want to know my husband is alright," _Mary said, her voice breaking off into what sounded suspiciously like tears. _"I don't know where to find him. Please…I need some help."_

Gibbs raised his eyes to the ceiling. Tony was watching his movements, was listening as much as he could to the conversation, but was staying out of it. He didn't want to deal with Mary today. With Gibbs here…he didn't have to. But there was a part of the younger man that still felt sorry for her, and knew that she likely really did want to be close to his father. But at his apartment…he didn't know if he could bear it. Still…he was with Gibbs. And he was getting rid of his apartment as soon as his lease was up. He smiled at the memory. They'd decided that definitely and made concrete plans about it just this morning.

He poked Gibbs in the rib and the older man glanced down at Tony. "Hold on a minute," he barked into the phone and then hit the mute button. "You ok?"

"Tell her where my father is," Tony requested softly. "I don't like it, but…" he shrugged helplessly.

"I get it," Gibbs nodded. "You're with me anyway. You'll be safe." Tony nodded. Gibbs clicked the mute button again. "Are you there? Listen. Your husband is staying at Tony's apartment."

"_This isn't some sort of trickery is it?"_

Tony tuned the rest of the conversation out. He smiled as his mind drifted back over the conversation he and Gibbs'd had that morning.

_***Flashback***_

_Tony was lying flat on his back, and Gibbs was lying on his side next to him, head propped up on one hand and smiling down at him. Gibbs' fingers were in his hair and they were both smiling and relaxed and feeling much better than they'd felt in a long time._

"_Tony," Gibbs' voice was soft. "I need to ask you something."_

_Tony nodded. He didn't speak—didn't want to ruin this perfect moment._

"_Tony I was wondering…well you're making so much progress…on so many things…and you're getting better every day. And I love that you're letting me be part of that with you. And I um…I was wondering…well these past weeks…past months have really been wonderful. And I just...Tony I want to always be part of your life. I know we already made a commitment to stay together, but Tony…Tony I want to stay with you forever—physically. I want to see you every day, wake up next to you every morning. I want you to live with me."_

_Tony's eyes widened and he blinked. They hadn't talked about this. But…somehow the idea didn't make him feel scared. Instead it made him feel warm. He smiled and slowly intertwined their fingers. "Yes," he whispered. "I don't want to ever sleep without you again. I'd love to live with you."_

_Gibbs had smiled then and they'd shared another round of sweet kissing. It was the perfect morning—_

_***End Flashback***_

"Tony?"

Gibbs' voice pulled him right out of his memory and he blinked. "Yeah?" he whispered.

"I sent your mom to your apartment. That ok?"

"Yeah."

"I can call her back and take it back if you don't want that."

"No, no," Tony murmured. "It's fine. It's where she should be. She should be with my dad. And they don't have any money."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah," Tony nodded firmly. "Positive." He didn't sound as convinced as he tried to though.

Gibbs wondered if that had anything to do with the tingling in his own gut.

xxx

Jason found a good hiding place for Officer Dumbass' car and quickly abandoned it. He'd driven about an hour or so back towards the city. He knew he had some time to kill before anyone really noticed that he was gone—it was a well known fact that cell phone signal was sketchy though the parkway leading to the West Virginia prison where they'd meant for Jason to land. He glanced at his watch and smiled. Just past lunch time. He still had several hours to move before he really needed to start worrying.

After ditching the car, he'd hoofed it back up to the road, gun tucked in the back of his trousers, covered by his shirt. He was thankful that he hadn't been given any inmate uniforms to wear yet—that was scheduled to happen upon his arrival at the prison. Since he was wearing street clothes, he didn't appear to be nearly as dangerous as he might be otherwise. He had a couple days' growth on a beard, but thankfully it just looked like a heavy five-o-clock shadow. It wasn't long before he could hear a car coming up behind him. Knowing they were heading into DC, Jason stuck his thumb out, hoping to hitchhike a ride. The first car blew past him without even slowing down.

No matter, Jason could walk a bit. Lord knows he was going to need the exercise if he was going to spend the rest of his life behind bars. Hell this might be his last walk as a free man. He decided he should enjoy it as much as possible. He admired the forest's beauty, the thick trees and heavy shading. After some time, he heard another car approaching. Hoping for more luck the second time, Jason stuck his thumb out again. This time he was rewarded by the small mazda pulling over. He made his way slowly around to the driver's side window and put on his best smile. The kid never saw him use Agent Jerome's knife to slice a hole in his tire.

"How ya doin?" he drawled genteelly.

The kid driving the car looked young and innocent. He smiled up at Jason. "Saw you were hitchhiking," he said. "I did that last summer. It's a rough way to travel. Thought I'd hook a fellow traveler up. Where ya headed?"

"DC," Jason said.

"Me too," the kid said. "Heading back to work. I've been on vacation."

"Sounds wonderful," Jason said, and moved around to get into the car. "Where did you vacation to?"

"Just up here in the woods," the kid answered with a gentle smile. He was really a nice kid. "I really enjoy nature, really enjoy being a part of it."

"Is that so?" Jason asked.

The kid nodded and pulled back up on the road. It wasn't even a half mile later when the tire, now completely flat, drew them to a stop. "Wonder what it is?" the kid said softly. "Sorry, won't be a minute."

Jason smiled as the kid got out of the car. He followed the kid around back and watched as his driver popped open the trunk and quickly moved his camping gear out so he could get to the spare. The kid quickly jacked up the back side of the small car and plucked the tire from the wheel.

"Seems a shame to head back to civilization," Jason commented. "It's really a nice day."

"Oh I know," the kid said. "I believe I could stay out here forever." The kid tightened the last lug on the newly changed tire.

Jason pulled the gun out from the back waistband of his pants and smiled at the back of the young man's head. "I believe you could too." The young man turned around to look curiously at his passenger, wondering at his strange response, and he visibly paled when he saw the gun pointed at his face. "Get up," Jason hissed. He glanced continuously up and down the road, making sure no one was around to witness this.

"Why are you doing this?" the kid whispered, horror stricken and unable to think past the gun in his face. He did as Jason instructed and was directed off to the side of the road, just beyond the treeline.

A few minutes later, Jason returned to the car alone. He quickly put the camping gear back in the trunk of the car and closed it. Before he climbed into the car, he stopped and looked back at the place just beyond the trees where his newest victim lay. "Enjoy your stay," he whispered. "It's lovely out here this time of year."

Then he got into the car and headed back to Washington DC without looking backwards. Oh this was too easy.

xxx

Kate and McGee checked and double checked and triple checked their information. Once they were absolutely positively sure they were correct, they stopped. What were they to do now?

"I think we should call Gibbs," Kate said softly. "I think he needs to know this—he's got to protect Tony. He's got to keep him safe from his mother…if she's a sexual predator…and if she…" Kate gulped. "If she…did _things _to Tony when he was small…that's the last thing Tony needs to be around right now."

"I agree," Tim said softly. "So um…go ahead."

"Me? What are you talking about? You're the one who came in here all fired up and pissed off this morning. You started this whole thing. I think you should call him."

"B-b-but y-y-you know him b-b-better than I d-do!" McGee protested.

Kate whacked him on the chest with his own file folder. "Time you got to know Gibbs better, Probie. As your senior agent, I nominate you to alert the boss." Her eyes twinkled. "Unless you're scared?" she asked evilly.

McGee's expression darkened into seriousness and he snatched up the phone. "I'm not afraid of Gibbs," he snapped, dialing Gibbs' number.

Kate turned around and walked back to her desk with a smile. "That makes one of us," she murmured.

xxx

Gibbs and Tony had just resettled from the first phone call when the phone rang again. "Goddammit," Tony muttered, wondering who the hell could be on the phone now. "That mine?" he asked Gibbs.

"Nope, this time it's mine." He glanced at it. "It's McGee," he said, flipping the phone open. "Yeah, Gibbs."

Tony watched Gibbs' face as he listened to whatever it was McGee was telling him. Finally he smiled. "That's good work McGee. Tell Kate I said so too. Hold on," he moved the phone away and clicked the mute button. "McGee and Kate have run an extensive background check on your step-mom," he reported. "They've also found evidence of your mom…behaving badly…with the kids she helps in the afterschool program. Some of the children have been given huge 'gifts' by your step-mom from her personal account."

"Doesn't surprise me," Tony whispered. "Do they have enough to arrest her?"

"They're going to go talk to some people and find out," Gibbs said. "They'll turn everything they have over to Fornell. He'll keep it quiet Tony."

Tony was tense beside Gibbs. "I know," he said softly. "Doesn't mean I like it."

"I know. I wish there was some other way but…Tony she's hurting kids…"

"I know," Tony said darkly, "she's been doing it for years."

"We can help those kids. We can make her stop. We can get her the help she needs. It doesn't mean you don't love her. It means you do."

"I never said I didn't want you to do it," Tony protested quietly. "I just…it just sucks," he shrugged.

Gibbs kissed his forehead. "I know. I know. I wish there was another way."

"Me too," Tony said sadly.

Gibbs clicked the mute button again. "Do it McGee. Let me know what happens."

xxx

Mary DiNozzo stepped out of the cab and walked up to the buzzer. She hit the button and a moment later, a familiar voice rang through the intercom. "Yes?"

"Anthony Darling! It's Mary, open the door!"

"I um…I'm not sure I can," Senior said softly. "Gibbs said—"

"I already talked to Gibbs and Tony. They said I could meet you here. Now open up please."

A moment later the buzzer clicked and the door unlocked. Mary stepped inside. She hurried up the steps and when she got to the apartment all but fell into her husband's arms. "Oh darling I love you so much, that was so brave what you did for me, you're wonderful, I love you!" she exclaimed.

Senior supported her but his eyebrows raised at the lavish praise she bestowed on him. "Just unlocked the door," he said uncomfortably, not returning the embrace. "Didn't do any of the rest of it."

Mary backed up a bit. "What's wrong darling?" she asked. "You seem distant."

Senior eyed his wife carefully. The two agents that Tony and Agent Gibbs were working with had stopped by earlier to ask him some questions about his wife. Questions about things he had no idea about. Questions about her volunteer work and when it started. Questions about whether or not she'd ever acted strangely or inappropriately with Tony when he was a child. Asked him about her first identity, her first marriage, her biological son. Anthony DiNozzo Sr. tolerated a lot of things in his life, but he would not tolerate being played a fool. He didn't appreciate the secrets his wife was supposedly keeping from him. He knew that these kids who were working with Gibbs would have to be top of the class, dot the I's and cross the T's kinds of agents because he knew Gibbs would not suffer fools or half assed performance. And if those were the agents who'd showed up here at Tony's apartment asking questions, then that meant they had good reasons. And if what they told him they suspected turned out to be true…

Being distant would be the least of Mary's worries if that were the case.

"I think we should sit," Senior said uncomfortably, heading for the living room. He detoured by the kitchen and got himself a beer. There was a market down the block from Tony's house and they made deliveries. Senior had ordered cold cuts, bread, tomatoes, corn chips, beer and a sack of apples from them and they'd delivered it to the apartment building. When he spoke to the attendant and gave them the address, the cashier asked if Senior wanted the groceries put on Tony's tab. Senior said yes, thanked the polite young woman on the phone, and hung up. At least now he could eat. He'd be careful not to run up a huge bill, but damn he would starve if he didn't do something. And he'd pay Tony back soon. Really. He'd gotten a good deal better about doing that in the last few years. He at least actually made attempts to do it now, unlike before. Sometimes he accomplished it, but well, you know, family helps family right?

"Oh darling thank you for the beer," Mary gushed, holding out her hand when she saw Senior entering the room with it. Senior looked at her like she'd grown another head. He'd gotten food and beer for himself, not anyone else. He had no intentions of sharing. Especially now.

He took a long sip of the beer and looked at her. His gaze held long enough that she began to look uncomfortable. "Will you please tell me what the hell is wrong?" she finally retorted.

Senior took another sip of his beer, wondering how the hell he'd managed to be married to this woman for so many years and never…never see this. How had he missed it? Was he so far up his own ass that he really couldn't see obvious things like sexual abuse taking place in his own home?

But they were just allegations. Suspicions. Nothing had been proven yet.

"I have some questions for you," Senior ground out slowly. "And I expect you to be honest with me."

Mary's stomach tightened nervously. "Alright," she said. "What questions?"

"Do you know who Mary Lou Schwartz is?"

Mary did her best to school her features before the panic could reach her face. Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit. "Yes," she said softly.

"Uh huh," Senior said. "And did Mary Lou Schwartz ever go to prison?"

Mary swallowed hard. Now. After all this time. Now it was coming out. Holy Mother of God… "Yes," she said.

"What did she go to prison for?"

"Um," could she lie her way out of this? Probably not. Anthony seemed to have lots of information. "She went to prison for being…inappropriate…with children."

"Inappropriate? Is that what they're calling it now?" Senior snapped. Mary flinched. "Are you Mary Lou Schwartz?"

"Yes," she said simply, resigned. There was no reason to lie about it now.

"Funny," Senior said. "When I met you, when you introduced yourself to me, you introduced yourself as Mary Peterson. When I introduced you to _my son_ you introduced yourself as Mary Peterson. The name Mary Lou Schwartz never came up."

"I changed my—"

"So you mean to tell me. That you went to prison. You went to prison for touching, _raping_, and _molesting_ _children_—_CHILDREN_—and when you got out you changed your name, and just moved on with your life?!"

"Yes," Mary said softly.

"You never thought that it might be good information for me to have? This jail time you served—you didn't think it might affect my decision on whether or not to marry you—on whether or not to LEAVE YOU WITH MY GODDAMN SON?!"

"Oh please Anthony," Mary said, with a wave of her hand. "Don't be so dramatic."

Memories washed over Senior. Memories of conversations lost, of conversations done poorly, handled badly.

_***Flashback***_

"_Daddy? Can I tell you something?" Eight year old Tony poked his head into his office._

"_Not right now Anthony," Senior said. "I have an important call to make."_

_*flash*_

"_Hey Dad? Got a minute? I need to talk to you about—"_

_Senior cut off his fourteen year old son with a wave of his hand and brushed past him. "I'm really very busy son. Can't it wait?"_

_Tony's eyes hit the floor. "Sure," he said dejectedly._

_*flash*_

"_Hey Dad? Can I show you this? I think you'll like it," Tony said excitedly, poking his head through the door._

"_What is it?" Senior said distractedly._

"_It's a summer-long camp—I can spend the whole summer hiking, and camping, swimming and fishing! Doesn't that sound like fun? Can I go?"_

"_For the whole summer?"_

"_Yes Dad pleeeeeeeease?"_

"_Tony you know you are supposed to visit the Islands with your mom this summer. She'll be devastated if you don't go with her."_

"_Oh. Right. Sorry."_

_***End Flashback***_

"Don't be so dramatic?" Senior spluttered. "Don't be so DRAMATIC?! You—you have no right to tell ME not to be dramatic! I have to ask you a very serious question now. And if you lie to me I. will. end. you."

Mary gulped.

"Have you ever touched my son inappropriately? You seem to have a fondness for little boys—did you ever touch him?"

Before Mary could answer, the intercom buzzed.

TBC…


	43. Havoc

**Warning: **Intensity ahead. Minor Character Death. Descriptions of Violence.

_Special thanks to my friend for your continued support. You are amazing!_

**No Chains Holding Me  
><strong>**Chapter 43: Havoc****  
><strong>

Senior's head whipped around to the intercom on the wall. Mary rose and walked over to it. "Saved by the bell," she said sweetly. She hit the button. "Hello?"

"_I uh…I forgot my key. Can ya let me in the building?"_

Mary hit the button. "Sure thing!" she said sweetly, hitting the button to unlock the front door to the building.

"Who was that?" Senior asked.

"I have no idea," Mary said with a shrug. "Someone who forgot their key."

"Do you know that for sure? Those locks like that are put on doors for a reason you know."

"Will ya get off my case?" Mary snapped. "Jesus Christ I just got through being grilled by those jerk-offs at the FBI. Now you are starting in on me. What gives? Where is all this coming from?"

The sound of someone knocking on the door drew both of their attentions. "Who could that be?" Mary asked.

"Probably the stranger you unlocked the door for," Senior said, rolling his eyes.

Mary unlocked the door. She stopped cold in her tracks when she realized who it was she was looking at. "Oh my God," she breathed. "Jason?"

Jason looked at his mother for a long moment. "Mom?" he whispered. His eyes filled with tears. "Mommy?"

"Oh Jason my darling boy! It's so wonderful to see you! But…Jason I heard you were in trouble—how'd you get out of jail, Darling?"

Jason shrugged. "Buncha bastards had it all wrong. Was a big misunderstanding."

"Well I certainly understand THAT," Mary said with a chuckle. She glanced over her shoulder and saw Senior still standing behind her. Oh shit this could be awkward. "Darling, I'd like to introduce you to my son. Anthony DiNozzo Senior, this is my son, Jason Schwartz. Jason this is your step-father."

Senior fixed Jason with a distasteful glare and Jason raised his chin in defiance.

"Well I'm glad to see you two are going to get on so well," she said uncomfortably. "Jason come in darling. But I am curious about something."

"What's that?"

"What are you doing here?"

xxx

Gibbs smiled when his phone rang. McGee was calling back. That must mean he had more information. "Talk to me McGee," he said, by way of greeting. "Whatcha got?" He listened as McGee talked back through their morning and afternoon. They'd spent a good amount of time grilling Senior, trying to get information about Tony's childhood. Senior was completely out of the loop though. He had no idea what had happened. After that they'd visited with several children, college students, parents, and had spoken prominent people in Mary's neighborhood—both on Long Island and in Ohio. It had been a very interesting morning with a huge amount of information uncovered.

"That's good work McGee. Do you have any evidence that is useful? Anything that can be proven or anyone willing to testify?"

"Yes Boss. Loads of it. Seems Mrs. DiNozzo isn't as popular as she seemed. Most of the people we've talked to would like to throw her under the bus."

"Is it excessive? Are they willing to make up stuff? Or is it all just honest dislike that can be used?"

"Honest dislike Boss. Some of the stories are just…it's mind boggling. I can't imagine how she's gotten away with this for so long."

"She's done getting away with it now. Take what you have to the Director. I will call him. He'll need to forward it on to the FBI. Fornell is already working on this. This will help him out."

"Will do Boss. Um… Boss?"

"Yes McGee?"

"How is Tony doing?"

"He's doing better McGee. I think he's going to be ok. He's finally been getting some rest."

"Good. That's good. Does he um…does he know…"

"What you've been working on? Yes. I told him. I'd done some digging a while back and found most of what you found today. Fornell is on the case too."

"Oh ok. Good. I'm glad. I didn't wanna…didn't want him to be upset. Y'know?"

"I know McGee."

"Are you still out of town?" Gibbs noticed McGee was careful not to disclose his location.

"Yes. Don't know when we'll be back."

"We should um…that is, if Tony would like it…I think we should get together."

"I'll ask him Tim. Right now you should get back to work. Go see the Director. Tell Cynthia I am sending you in and not to give you any flack."

"Will do Boss. Thank you Boss."

Gibbs hung up the phone and flopped back on the bed. Tony reappeared a moment later with two coffee mugs in his hands. "Oh you are a godsend," Gibbs smiled. He pushed himself up in bed and happily accepted a cup of the rich brew that Tony poured up for him. "That's good," he said softly, taking another long sip.

"How's McGee?" Tony asked, sliding back under the covers and sipping his own coffee.

Gibbs smiled into his cup, not at all surprised that Tony knew who the caller was, even though he hadn't been present for any of the conversation. "He's good. Been doing some investigating this morning. I'm proud of his progress. He's going to be a good agent."

"What's he investigating?" Tony wanted to know.

Gibbs sighed. "He's assisting with the investigation into what happened at the house," he spoke softly. "And this morning…he found a great deal of information on yo—"

"On my mom," Tony finished quietly, cutting Gibbs' words off.

"Yeah," Gibbs said.

Tony took a sip of coffee and stared into his cup. Gibbs noticed the sudden quiet and bumped their shoulders together. "Hey. You ok?"

Tony looked at him. "My whole life is on display right now," he said softly. "Don't know how to deal with that. What will people think?"

"No one is going to think anything," Gibbs said firmly. "Fornell and the team—they'll keep it quiet Tony."

Tony nodded, but didn't answer.

Gibbs took another sip of his coffee. "I'm proud of you," he said gently.

Tony snorted. "Why's that?"

"At how well you're handling this. This is big. And you're doing great."

"I think I knew that it would happen eventually. Ever since that day sitting in Cheryl's office…Gibbs…she deserves to go down for what she's done. She…" he took a slow, hitching breath. "She did some stuff…and it was horrible…and I don't…I mean…if she's done it to other kids…too…she needs to go down for what she did."

Gibbs wrapped an arm around Tony and pulled him close. "I agree," he said softly. "And she will. We will get justice for you and for all her victims. We will make this right."

"Can't ever make it right," Tony said softly.

Gibbs squeezed his partner gently. "No, but we can make it better. All of this? It will get better Tony. Just have to believe."

"Hard to keep believing when everything keeps blowing up in my face," Tony said softly.

"I know," Gibbs said. He pressed a kiss to the top of Tony head.

Tony wrapped his arm around Gibbs' waist, pressing his body close to the older man. "Just don't let go ok?"

Gibbs smiled sadly into Tony's hair. "I promise," he said.

xxx

When Jason did not produce a hasty answer to his mother's question, Senior threw his hands up. "WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!"

Jason turned to him. "Why don't you back off Old Man?"

Senior sputtered and narrowed his eyes, but before he could respond Mary inserted herself between the two men. "Boys! Let's try to get along!" she glanced desperately between them. When they both nodded she relaxed.

"Now. Anthony. You have asked me to explain what is going on. I will try," Mary said softly. "Let's sit, shall we?"

They sat down in the living room and looked at one another.

"When I was in prison…and I was wrongly convicted—I _have_ _never_ touched a child inappropriately—I was given some information. Valuable information. This information was essential in leading law enforcement officers to make another arrest. The arrest for a crime that was so horrible, so heinous, so despicable, that I cannot even bring myself to speak of it. In exchange for this information that I so willingly shared with the law enforcement system, I was released from prison early. I was enrolled into the witness protection program so that I might be safe from the criminals that I ratted out, so to speak. Once I was released I—"

"Wait, wait, wait, hold it right there," Jason said, shaking his head, and almost chuckling. "Now that isn't the way I remember it."

Senior's eyes widened and he stared in shock at the young man, but the look of surprise on Mary's face didn't go unnoticed either.

"Jason my dear I don't know what you're talking abo—"

"I'm talking about the relationship we had when I was a boy, Mother! I'm talking about all those special nights we had, all those afternoons we spent together. I'm talking about the games we played together when I was a child—the statue game, the giggles game, all the races we had! And then one day you were gone! I was your boy, Mom! I was your boy and you were my Mommy! And my father—God rest his soul—my father said that we shouldn't speak of you anymore! That you were sick. That you needed help. You got out of prison after you finished your sentence. I thought for sure you'd come back then—because I'd missed you so badly! My own mom—gone for years of my childhood—finally had the opportunity to come back and what did you do? You ran off—changed your name—made yourself look very different—and you left me!

"Now Jason I do not know what you are talking about! Your father and I had a nasty divorce—it's not surprising at all to me that he put these horrible ideas into your head!"

"I don't think he did," Senior said. "Because what Jason here is saying sounds an awfully lot like what I was told this morning—by the federal agents investigating your past!" He whipped around on his wife. "They also told me they were trying to implicate you in the murder that took place in Agent Gibbs' house. Were you a part of that? Was that part of your plans? Why did you insist on coming down here? What is in DC that you had to see?"

"I CAME TO SEE TONY!" Mary screamed. "I LOVE TONY! I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED TONY! HE IS MY FAVORITE BOY—MY BEST BOY! HE WAS THE ONE WHO LOVED ME THE BEST AND THE ONE THAT I LOVED THE MOST!" She took a deep breath. "And all of you are working so diligently to make sure that I don't see him—really you must understand, it's quite frustrating," she said, regaining her composure.

"Your favorite boy?" Jason said softly. "Isn't this apartment? Where is he anyway?" Jason asked, standing up and pacing around the room once.

"He's not here," Senior said. He had a weird feeling about this kid—there was something about him that wasn't right. He didn't like this kid—and it was more than his attitude. There was something very strange about all of this.

"Do you know where he is? You know, I'd like to meet him," Jason said, turning to Senior with a sweet smile on his face.

"I do not know where he is," Senior said. He knew Tony was with Gibbs, but he wasn't saying any more than that.

"Why do you want to see Tony?" Mary asked Jason, her voice taking on a suspicious tone.

"I want to meet this _perfect_ _boy_," Jason exclaimed. He smiled, shark-like. "I might even want to take a turn with him. Perhaps we could play the statue game."

"You stay away from him," Mary hissed. She remembered the words of the investigator in the interrogation room the night before. "You do not go near him. Do you hear me?"

"Or what?"

Mary narrowed her eyes and rose to her full height. She was a good four inches shorter than her slight-heighted son and she stared up at him with eyes of ice. "I am your mother," she said, her voice cold and hard. "You will listen to me."

Jason laughed in her face. "You know my father said that to me too…just before he died unexpectedly in a horrible accident. Perhaps we should play the statue game too—only we should switch the roles. Wouldn't you like to be controlled for a change? Would be a switch for you, wouldn't it? What was it I did to you Mother? What was it that I did that made you leave me? Why was I so bad?"

Senior got up and left the room. He headed for the bedroom and he didn't look back. He closed Tony's bedroom door and locked it. Then he stepped into the en suite bathroom and quickly threw up his lunch. The beer was hot and acidic as it splashed back up. He could hear muffled voices, he could hear bumping and rattling, and he wondered if he should go help his wife. His wife. The woman who had betrayed him in the most ultimate way—she'd hurt his son. His poor son, who was already so sad and depressed over the death of his biological mother, the child who was so sad and depressed because he was never around when he was needed…he'd trusted her. And she'd hurt Tony.

He could hear her screaming. He could hear Jason screaming. He wondered what he should do. An idea dawned on him suddenly and he pulled out his cell phone.

xxx

Tony was sound asleep against Gibbs and didn't even stir when the phone rang on the bedside table. Gibbs had both of their phones sitting within reaching distance and he reached for it and grabbed Tony's cell phone. He fought the urge to roll his eyes when he saw who it was that was calling his partner.

"Agent DiNozzo's phone," Gibbs said resignedly.

"_Gibbs it's Anthony DiNozzo,"_ Senior said. _"I…There's a problem here. A big problem."_

Gibbs narrowed his eyes. "What sort of big problem?" He kept his voice low so he wouldn't wake Tony.

"_Well you knew Mary was coming back here, I assume,"_ he said. _"She told me you gave her permission."_

"That's right. So what?"

"_So her son showed up. Jason Something-or-other."_

Gibbs picked up his cell phone and cued up Fornell's number, fingers hovering over the buttons, ready to make the call at a moment's notice. Then he changed his mind and started a text message instead.

_**To: Fornell  
><strong>__**From: Gibbs**__**  
><strong>_

_**U need 2 check ur agents 2C if they have lost JS. Suspect crntly located Tony's apt. 2 potential hstgs inside.**_

He listened to Senior, quickly learning that Senior had locked himself in the bedroom. Senior hadn't seen anything to indicate that Jason was armed, but he had a bad feeling about the guy and he was insisting on seeing Tony. Mary was out in the living room with him and he'd heard sounds of a disturbance, but had not opened the door in several minutes.

Gibbs advised him to stay where he was. He assured Senior that he had contacted the FBI and the agents should be en route soon. He explained that Jason was supposed to be in custody and there were federal agents on their way to help them.

"I don't understand Gibbs… I got a visit from two of your agents this morning," he said. "They asked me all sorts of strange questions about Mary and then shared horrible information with me. Horrifying. I can't believe…she did…oh God she was horrible to Tony and I…I had no idea…I left him with her…"

Gibbs heard a sudden decidedly female scream through the speaker of the phone. He frowned. "Mr. DiNozzo?" he was struggling to keep his voice low. "Mr. DiNozzo are you safe?"

"I'm safe," he said, "But…But Mary…"

Gibbs' phone buzzed. New text message.

_**To: Gibbs  
><strong>__**From: Fornell**__**  
><strong>_

_**On our way. Will call asap.**_

"Do not go out there," Gibbs said. "The agents are on their way. Let them handle it. Focus on keeping yourself safe."

Tony raised up next to him and looked at him curiously. Gibbs, still on the phone with Senior and trying to keep him calm, used his other hand to pull up the text message he'd sent to Fornell and the message that Fornell had replied with. Tony stared at the words for a long moment. Two possible hostages. His apartment. His eyes widened and he looked in horror at Gibbs.

xxx

Fornell couldn't believe how botched and seriously fucked up this whole mess was. He and Sacks screamed to a stop in their agency vehicle outside of Tony's apartment building and took off at a dead run. As they were busting into the building, another agency car with four more agents stopped on the street and followed them inside. The six agents raced up the stairs, led by Fornell, and stopped outside Tony's apartment.

Fornell had the brief thought that he hoped the kid didn't plan on living here after this. Might be time for a new place.

"This is the FBI! Open up!" He banged heavily on the door.

He was just about to call out again when a blood curdling scream filled his ears.

xxx

Gibbs dropped the phone when he saw the look on Tony's face. He cupped Tony's face in his hands and stared into his eyes. "Tony? Babe? You with me?"

Tony blinked and looked at him. His breathing was already starting to pick up and his eyes were stormy. "I swear to you," he murmured, his voice low and gravelly. "If that sonofabitch hurts my family I will end him. There will be no jail cell that will stop me."

Gibbs stared evenly at Tony for a long moment before he nodded, memories of his own revenge floating through his mind.

He understood.

And he'd do whatever necessary to make sure Tony got what he needed.

xxx

Mary DiNozzo screamed again when the door suddenly exploded behind her. God what the hell happened? She looked around. There were agents entering the apartment, guns drawn, eyes scanning, and the bedroom door was still closed—her husband was hiding, had been hiding since she and Jason had started arguing. Her greatest moments of need, and he left her to fend for herself and locked himself away…She looked around, then looked down at her hand, wondering why it felt so wet.

Her eyes widened.

"Drop your weapon!" Fornell yelled.

She dropped the knife she was holding.

xxx

Senior sat in the bathroom with his back against the tub. He had the phone pressed to one of his ears and the other hand was frantically rubbing his forehead. He could hear the panicked gasps coming through the phone. That was his boy gasping. That was Tony. That was his namesake. His son. His boy. His Tony.

He sounded so frightened, and Senior could hear Gibbs' soft words to his son. Words of encouragement. Words of reassurances. Promises of safety.

Senior wondered, not for the first time today, how he'd become so disconnected from his life. From his family.

He heard the federal agents arrive and wondered if he was going to go back to jail today.

He wanted to talk to Tony. Needed to talk to him. Needed to help him recover from this. He wondered if he'd be given the opportunity. He wondered if he could be the father that Tony needed.

One thing was certain, if he could get out of this alive, he'd sure give it his best shot.

xxx

Jason Schwartz lay on the floor in the kitchen. He wasn't sure how things had come to this. After he told his mom he wanted to meet Tony—he hadn't even told her what he wanted to do to him—and Mary lost it on him! One minute they were having a civilized, albeit snarky conversation, and the next minute they were yelling and screaming at each other, and it just continued escalating. At one point he'd drawn his gun on her. The next instant she'd held up a butcher knife and pointed it at him.

The scuffle had continued on for several more minutes. He hadn't shot her because…because he couldn't do it. Sure he killed his father, but he couldn't…he couldn't hurt his mother. Things had come to a grinding halt when he felt a sudden horrible searing pain. Jason fell to the ground, stunned.

How had she gotten the upper hand? How had she gotten him like this? How could she do this to him? Didn't she know how much he loved her? That he was willing to kill for her? That he was willing to risk everything, just so they could be together.

He stared up at his mother, who looked down at him, her face a mixture of horror and fear and satisfaction.

"I…I guess Tony…I guess Tony's your f-fav…rite…af-after all," he coughed hard, and tasted blood.

Mary screamed at the sight of the blood.

"I'd still love a chance…kill that sonofabitch," Jason mumbled, dropping his head back farther and feeling it thunk onto the floor. "I'll…kill him…I…I'm your…your favorite…Muh…Mom…"

"This is the FBI! Open up!" The voices ran out from the hallway and Mary didn't move, didn't take her eyes off of his body. Blood was pouring out everywhere. It was really one hell of a mess.

The door exploded behind Mary then and she screamed.

"Drop your weapon!"

Jason looked at the cops. He recognized them. Buncha chumps. He wondered how they'd found him. And then Mary dropped the knife.

xxx

Tony swallowed thickly and then reached for the phone Gibbs was holding. "Is that my dad?" he asked softly. Gibbs nodded. "Can I talk to him?" he held out his hand and Gibbs handed him the phone.

"Dad?" Tony's voice was soft. "Dad are you there?"

"Tony? Oh son I'm so sorry you're having to go through all of this—please you have to understand I didn't know any of it. I really didn't. I should have—"

"Now isn't the time for that Dad," Tony said firmly. "Right now we have to keep you safe. Where are you?" His voice grew stronger and steadier with each word he spoke.

"I'm in the en suite bathroom."

"Ok. There are federal agents that are on their way to my apartment."

"Should I let them know I'm here?" Senior asked. He didn't know how Tony managed to work in situations like this every day. It was completely nerve wracking.

Gibbs picked up the other phone and fired off a text message to Fornell.

_**To: Fornell  
><strong>__**From: Gibbs**__**  
><strong>_

_**Be advised: Tony's father locked inside bedroom. Crntly in . Uninjured. Have been on phone w/for 29 minutes.**_

"Don't move Dad," Tony whispered, reading the text Gibbs sent to Fornell. "Gibbs alerted the lead agent that you are in the bathroom. They may come busting in, or they may tell you to come out. If they tell you to come out, put your hands on your head and do not cop an attitude with them. They will shoot you if they think you are dangerous."

Tony could hear a banging sound through the phone. "Is someone at the door?"

"Yes. It's the agents. I'm going to go now. Tony…we need to talk, son."

Tony took a deep breath and closed his eyes. "I know," he said tightly.

"Gonna go now. We'll talk soon."

"Ok."

"I love you son. Haven't told you that enough."

Tony's eyes glazed with tears. "I love you too Dad," he whispered before closing the phone.

xxx

"Mr. DiNozzo this is the FBI. Please open the door and come out with your hands on your head."

Senior glanced one last time at the phone and remembered the words of instruction his son had given him. _If they tell you to come out, put your hands on your head and do not cop an attitude with them. They will shoot you if they think you are dangerous._ Senior flipped the lock on the door, opened it and put his hands on his head. He took a deep breath and stepped out into the hallway.

A gray haired agent who looked similar to Gibbs stepped up to him. "Mr. DiNozzo?" Senior nodded. "Agent Tobias Fornell," he said, flashing his badge. "Are you armed?" Senior shook his head. Not armed. "Do you have anything on you that might be used as a weapon?" Senior shook his head no again. "Are you injured?" Senior shook his head no. In shock maybe, but not injured. "Sir we need you to come with us. We have some questions to ask you. Let's step outside, shall we?"

Senior followed Fornell, his hands still on his head. He glanced around the apartment as he headed for Tony's front door. Tony's place was a wreck. All of his things were broken, it looked like a storm had blown through the place. How much damage could two people do in such a short amount of time? Had they no shame? No respect for the fact that they were borrowing the space from someone else—from someone who wasn't keen on lending it to them in the first place? Senior was no dummy. He'd known that Tony likely hesitated before offering his space up. Knowing what he knew now, if Senior were in Tony's shoes, he wasn't sure he'd have been as hospitable as his son. He suddenly understood Gibbs' anger with him as well.

What a mess.

Senior blanched when he saw the body lying in the doorway between the living room and the kitchen. There was blood on the walls, blood on the counters, blood on the floor…the young man—Jason, he believed the kid's name was—was on the floor. It looked like he was dead. And just beyond him…Mary. Her gray suit was covered in bloodstains. Her hands were covered in blood. As Senior walked past her he saw one of the agents—a large, African American man (the same agent whom he'd so blindly defended her against just yesterday)—snapping handcuffs onto her wrists. She was being given her rights quietly.

What a nightmare.

Senior followed Fornell out into the hallway. "Let's have a seat," Fornell said, indicating the stairs. "You look like you're about to keel over."

"I might," Senior croaked.

Fornell's face filled with concern. "Are you alright?" he asked.

"'m I'm ok," Senior said. Once sitting he pushed his own head between his knees.

Fornell draped a blanket around Senior's shoulders. "Can you tell me what happened in there?"

Senior quickly relayed all that he'd heard. He told them about the agents showing up earlier in the day and asking him questions. He told them about turning those same questions on Mary once she'd arrived. He told Fornell about how they'd argued some and were actually right in the middle of a heated discussion when Jason had arrived. Senior told Fornell about Jason, how he was acting, the weird things he was saying, the way he was behaving…it was all very strange. The more heated the conversation got between Jason and Mary, the less involved he'd wanted to be with the whole mess. He'd thought of leaving, but didn't want to leave Tony's place to these two people, since he was the one who'd borrowed it in the first place. So he'd gone to Tony's bedroom and waited there. While he waited he called Gibbs on Tony's phone.

"Why did you call Gibbs on Tony's phone?"

"Gibbs has been sheltering Tony from me ever since dinner the other night," Senior said softly. "I didn't understand why…I do now." Senior looked at Fornell. "Am I going to have to go to jail?"

Fornell considered this man for a long time. "I don't think so," he finally said. "Sounds to me like you've done nothing wrong. Sounds like you've only tried to be helpful and do what's right today."

The 'today' was not lost on Senior. This man knew more than they were talking about. Knew about Tony and Mary's past. Knew about Mary's past.

"I'd like to talk to my son," Senior said. "Or Agent Gibbs. Either one. Both. Hell I don't care."

"I'll see what I can work out for you. In the mean time, when the ambulance arrives I'd like the EMTs to have a look at you. You seem to be in shock. I want to make sure you are alright."

Fornell felt sorry for this man. He'd been kept in the dark on so many things for so many years…to have it all ripped out in the open like this, and to do it in such a horrifying way…well that'd be difficult for anyone to handle. And judging by the way the man was behaving now, Fornell would bet a month's pay that Senior was going to exhaust his resources trying to make amends with his son for what happened.

Perhaps Tony would get a happy ending after all.

xxx

Jackson returned home from work that evening, and was surprised to find Tony in the kitchen. He was chopping furiously, and several pots were already simmering on the stove. He saw Leroy sitting at the table, staring into his coffee cup as intently as a tea leaf reader.

"Hi Boys," he greeted.

Tony didn't respond, continuing to chop. Gibbs looked up at him and motioned with his head for them to go into the other room. He stood up and walked over to Tony, putting a hand lightly on the younger man's shoulder. "Gonna go talk to Dad," he said softly.

Jackson didn't miss the flinch when Leroy touched Tony.

Tony nodded, but didn't look up from what he was doing. He continued chopping furiously; the onion was now minced almost into a paste. Still he chopped.

Leroy followed his father into the other room.

"What's going on?" Jackson asked.

"The guy…the one who killed Ari in my basement…he escaped from custody," Gibbs said softly. "He headed back for DC. They're still looking for the agent who was transporting him to the prison, and this guy's prints have been found all over an abandoned car in the parking lot down the block from Tony's apartment."

"So he's making another try for Tony?"

"It appears he was," Gibbs said.

"Was? He's not now?"

Gibbs shook his head. "Don't think he's doing much of anything now."

"He's dead?"

Gibbs nodded.

"What? How? Who killed him?"

"Tony's step mother. Apparently he showed up at Tony's apartment, looking for Tony, and instead he found Tony's parents. It's been an…exciting day," Gibbs said quietly.

"His step mother killed the guy? Wait, but wasn't that her—"

"Her own son," Gibbs finished softly. "Yes. I'm still waiting to hear back from Fornell, but apparently the shit really hit the fan."

"What about Tony's father?"

"He got checked out at the hospital and has been released. The director has set him up in a safe house since he has no money."

"So he wasn't involved in this?"

"Not at all. Not in any of it. He had no idea what his wife was doing."

"My God," Jackson whispered. Gibbs nodded. "How's Tony?"

"He's…cooking."

"I noticed. Looks like enough food to feed an army."

"It might be," Gibbs said. "He likes to cook, and whenever he gets upset he starts chopping and takes his frustration out on whatever food makes its way under his knife."

"What can we do for him Leroy? He's obviously hurting."

"I've got some ideas," Gibbs said. "He's mentioned wanting to see the team…I think it might help him if he reconnected with his family, ya know?"

"Why don't you invite them up here for the weekend?"

"Might," Gibbs agreed. "Even if one of them could come I think it would help. I'm going to talk to him about it later though. Right now he's really upset. He needs time to process. He and his father spoke briefly on the phone today…but from what I gathered…it was a pretty emotional conversation."

"I'm sure," Jack said.

"We spent a long time this afternoon on the phone with Cheryl too. She really helped me talk him down and got him to a better place with all of it," Gibbs said. "I don't think he wants to go back to his apartment though. Can't say as I blame him."

They both turned to the sound of a throat clearing behind them. "Are you guys hungry?" Tony asked softly. His voice was getting better, but was still croaky. Gibbs thought it sounded croakier since the events of the day. At least he could still speak.

"Starving," Jethro and Jackson both said.

Tony smiled, but it didn't make it to his eyes. "C'mon then. Let's eat."

Tony had made a wonderful feast for dinner, pasta, sauce, garlic bread, the works. He'd made the sauce from scratch, and by the time dinner was served, it had cooked slowly and "gotten happy" as Tony referred to it. He served it up and joined the two older men at the table.

Gibbs noticed that Tony's plate held a smaller portion than the other two, but he didn't comment. Tony didn't need added scrutiny today. He just needed to get through it. Tomorrow they could put the pieces back together.

xxx

Once the meal was finished, Jackson leaned back and heaved a loud, satisfied sigh of pleasure. "Deeeelicious," he exclaimed. He glanced over at the stove where things were still cooking. "Got lots of leftovers," he said softly.

"I just…when I get…I like to cook," Tony said softly, his eyes going to his lap.

"And you're a fabulous cook," Jackson praised. "I'm gonna need a diet if you stick around."

A faint smile crossed Tony's face. Jackson looked at Leroy for guidance. Leroy nodded once, studying his coffee cup.

"You know…if you wanted to…we could share your cooking," Jackson said.

Tony's eyes shot up. "Share it? With who?" He glanced around.

"Hey easy," Jackson said. "I was thinking it'd be fun to invite the team up this weekend. Have dinner, relax some, reconnect, what do ya say? Been a while since I've seen those guys."

"I…I don't know," Tony whispered, shaking his head. "I don't know." A hand rose to his hair and he ran his fingers through it.

Jackson looked to Leroy who nodded and moved in a bit closer to Tony. "Easy," he said. "Don't have to decide tonight. Was just an idea."

"I know," Tony said uneasily. "I know…I just…Gibbs," he looked up at Jethro. "Gibbs will you…will you just decide…you know…you know what I can do and what I can't…please…I just…it's too big…"

Gibbs rubbed a hand lightly over Tony's shoulders. "I'll handle it. Don't worry about it. I'll take care of everything."

xxx

Once Tony was finished with the dishes, he asked Jackson if he wanted to watch a movie. Jackson agreed and Tony smiled at Jethro. "If you wanna watch with us you can…or if you wanna make a call," he shrugged one shoulder and nodded.

Jethro smiled and nodded. "I'm gonna go get a sit rep from Kate. I'll join you in a few minutes." He kissed Tony on the side of the head. "Start your movie. I'll catch up."

Jethro headed up the stairs. He quickly dialed Fornell and got an update from him on what was happening with Mary. There would be no trial for murder. She confessed to killing Jason to protect Tony. She couldn't stand the thought that Jason would hurt Tony. So she'd killed him to stop him. They were in the process of building the case against her for the child molestation and the sexual abuse. He didn't have a lot of information on that yet, but agreed to call Gibbs when he knew something.

After Gibbs got off the phone with Fornell he called Kate. He gave her an update on what was happening with Tony's mom and what had happened at Tony's apartment that afternoon. "He's having a rough time Kate," Gibbs said softly, checking the doorway to make sure Tony wasn't listening to his conversation. "He needs to reconnect with his family."

"Seems to me that his family is a red hot mess," Kate commented.

"Not his biological family, Kate," Gibbs said with patience he didn't know he possessed. "His real family."

"Ohhhh," Kate said. "Oh I get it. So how do we make that happen?"

"That is where you will be very useful. You've been looking for a way to help Tony," Gibbs told her. "Rally the troops for me. I'll call back tomorrow and we'll finalize details."

"Sounds good Gibbs."

Gibbs hung up the phone and headed back down the stairs. He stopped at the bottom of the stairs and watched Tony and Jackson for a long minute. Jackson was sitting in his recliner, eyes fixed on the screen with a puzzled expression on his face.

"My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father," Tony said in an exaggerated accent before giggling softly. "Best movie ever Jackson…and oh oh! Oh one of my favorite parts is coming up soon! You're gonna love these! R-O-U-S!"

"Are oh you ess?" Jackson asked, puzzled.

"Yes, the ROUSes—Rodents Of Unusual Size! This movie is so brilliant!" He giggled as the Dread Pirate Roberts and Princess Buttercup ran into the Fire Swamp.

"What sort of nonsense is this?" Jackson sputtered.

"It's a brilliant piece of art!" Tony exclaimed. "This is one of the greatest movies known to man!"

"The Princess Bride," Gibbs said. "Has Dad seen the six fingered man yet?"

Tony collapsed in a fit of giggles. "When he does, he'll laugh, it's a safe bet."

"I thought it was Fezzik who made the rhymes," Gibbs commented.

"Giants make rhymes all the time!" Tony giggled.

"I think you've both cracked," Jackson said, shaking his head in horror.

"Well that's because our brains are packed!" Tony giggled harder.

"I don't know about you," Gibbs said. "But I think this whole day has been whack."

Tony sobered as memories of the day washed over him. "Think this day might best be fixed by a fifth of Jack, Jack," he whispered.

Gibbs settled on the couch next to Tony and wrapped an arm around his shoulder. Tony rested his head on Jethro's shoulder and grew quiet. He didn't speak again until the movie ended.

xxx

"McGee," Kate called from across the bullpen. "I just got off the phone with Gibbs. What are you doing this weekend?"

"This weekend? Umm…this weekend I am on rotation with Balfrey's team. Why?"

"Gibbs wants everyone to come up to visit. Tony needs it."

"I'll see if I can switch off, but I don't know if I can," Tim said. "I'll do my best."

Kate nodded. She understood. Tim would do his best, but the final decision would be out of his hands. She wandered down to Abby's lab and stopped short when Abby held up her hand. Abby let out a giant sneeze followed by a deep, hacking cough. "Are you ok Abby?" Kate asked quietly from the doorway.

"I'm dying," Abby said. "I think this stupid cold—flu—whatever you call it—is going to kill me…"

Kate grimaced. "What are you doing this weekend?"

"Laying in my bed and trying to die." Abby sniffled pitifully.

"Awww," Kate said. She was getting concerned that she'd be driving to Stillwater alone. "Well I hope you feel better. Get some rest."

Next she headed for Ducky's autopsy lab. She smiled when she saw the old medical examiner with the autopsy assistant standing prone over one of their "guests."

"Good afternoon!" Kate called.

Both of the men turned. "Ah! Caitlyn! Good afternoon my dear! What brings you to our humble lab this afternoon?"

"I just talked with Gibbs," Kate said. "He thinks Tony would benefit from having a visit this weekend. I was coming to see what you all are doing this weekend?"

"Ah my dear, I would love to join you on a road trip. Alas, mother would not bode well if I left for that long, and we are on rotation this weekend."

Kate's shoulders dropped and she frowned.

"What is it my dear?" Ducky asked gently.

"No one can come," she said sadly. "Tony needs us and we're all…we've all got other things to do…Abby's sick, you guys are working, so is Tim…I am going, but…going alone seems almost like an insult to Tony. I don't know what to do."

"Let me make a call," Ducky said. "Mr. Palmer—what are your plans for the weekend?"

"Only working with you, Dr. Mallard," Jimmy said.

"So if I could get you off of rotation you could accompany Caitlyn to visit with Dear Anthony?"

"Absolutely!" Jimmy smiled, excited at the prospect of getting to go see Tony. He missed his friend tremendously.

Ducky called the director and spoke briefly with him. Once he hung up he looked at the two younger agents and smiled. "Caitlyn, Jimmy will accompany you to visit Anthony this weekend. In fact," Ducky smiled at Jimmy. "That is your assignment for the weekend. Both of you. To go check on your teammate and have his six."

"Thank you Doctor!" Jimmy exclaimed.

"Thank you so much Ducky! This will be great. Thank you!"

She bid the two goodbye, promising to let Palmer know what the details of their trip to Stillwater as soon as she heard from Gibbs again. With a smile on her face, she raced back up the stairs.

xxx

Early the next morning, Gibbs sat in the chair next to the bed sipping a cup of coffee. Tony'd had a rough night. He'd fretted and worried about his parents, about the team, about Fornell, about so many things that he could not fix or change…it had taken him a while to finally exhaust himself and fall asleep. Gibbs had been awake for most of the night, gaining periodic updates from Fornell on the case against Mary. He'd paced and worried and tried to calm Tony's fears…it had been a long night.

He jammed his hand in his pocket suddenly when his cell phone rang, trying to silence it before it woke Tony. He pulled his phone out and frowned. It wasn't ringing.

Tony rolled over in bed, stirring slightly, one arm reaching for the loudly ringing phone.

"Shit shuttup," Tony mumbled, grasping blindly at the phone.

"Shhhh I got it," Gibbs murmured, hurrying to Tony's side. He gently grasped Tony's wrist to stop him, smiling when the younger man almost immediately stilled and dropped back off to sleep. Gibbs picked up the phone and glanced at it only briefly before flipping it open.

"Agent DiNozzo's phone, this is Agent Gibbs," he answered.

"_Agent Gibbs…this is—"_

"Anthony DiNozzo Senior," Gibbs said. "What can I do for you?"

"_I haven't slept,"_ Senior said, and Gibbs could hear the jitteriness in the older man's voice.

"Why haven't you slept," Gibbs said with patience he typically saved for the victims he encountered.

"_I can't get it off my mind…all the things…everything she did…everything he's been through…I can't help but feel it's all my fault…dear God…did I cause this?"_

Gibbs ran a hand over his forehead. He glanced one last time at Tony and then stood up. He walked into the hall and sank down onto the steps. "No Anthony," he said softly. "You didn't know. She hid her past from everyone. Could you have been there for your son and been more supportive of him and been around more? Absolutely. You are not entirely blameless, but the blame is not all yours either."

"_I know,"_ Senior said, and Gibbs could hear the old man pleading to be heard. _"And I know that it seems like I've made a night and day change. I'm not perfect Gibbs. I'm not the perfect father and I am not a perfect man. But I have my dignity and I have my honor, and I can admit when I make a mistake. And I've made loads of them. Twenty five years of them. And I…I know I don't deserve it…but I'd very much like the opportunity to make things right. Or to try. I don't expect Tony to believe me…but I…I feel I owe it to him to try. He's been through some horrible things…things no person should ever have to experience and I…I am partly to blame for that. I did not sleep last night because I spent the entire night going over every single conversation that Tony and I ever had, every conversation that Mary and I ever had, the conversation that I had with your agents yesterday…all of it. I made so many mistakes Gibbs…I just…I want to tell Tony I'm sorry."_

Gibbs was quiet for a long moment. "Sounds like you've had a busy night," he commented mildly.

"_How do you think I would have been able to sleep after eveythi—"_ he stopped.

"Go on," Gibbs said. "Finish what you started to say."

"_How could I sleep after everything that happened yesterday?"_ Senior whispered brokenly_. "I saw…I saw the mask that my wife had been wearing for the last twenty five years…it was ripped away…My God…there was a monster there…a person I would have never believed in a million years existed…and this monster had a son who was as evil as she is…oh my God…I left my son with her…I…Gibbs…I…"_

"Ok…Ok…" Gibbs said. "How can I help you? What do you want from us?"

"_Gibbs she…she killed her own son…killed the son that was her own blood…what…what would she have done to my son? She didn't love him…not truly…certainly not appropriately…How can I fix this? How can I? Please…please help me?"_

A warm presence stepped up behind him and then joined him on the steps. Tony's sleep mussed hair stuck up in odd angles and he ran a weary hand over his forehead.

"Hold a moment," Gibbs said. He pushed the mute button. "Hey," he said softly. "You ok?"

"I need to talk to him," Tony said tiredly.

"Are you sure?" Gibbs asked softly.

"I have to," Tony said. "I can't ignore him forever."

Gibbs eyed him for a long moment and finally nodded. He clicked the mute button. "Mr. DiNozzo?" I think I have a solution for you."

"_What's that? Please, anything will help…please…"_

"Hold a moment," Gibbs said. Then he held out the phone to Tony. "You're sure," he whispered.

"I'm sure," Tony whispered back. He took the phone from Jethro. "Dad?" He spoke softly.

Hearing the word 'dad' spoken, Jackson appeared at the bottom of the stairs. His eyes widened when he saw Tony obviously on the phone. Gibbs motioned for more coffee and Jackson nodded and headed for the kitchen.

"_Tony?"_ Senior breathed into the phone, relief audible in his voice. _"Are you alright?"_

"Dad…I'm ok," Tony said softly. "I think I am, anyway."

"_Tony…Tony we need to talk… I have so many things I need to say to you."_

"I…I um…that'd be good dad…" Tony said, feeling the stress rise in him.

Gibbs saw it and rested a hand lightly on Tony's back, rubbing softly between his shoulders. Tony glanced at him, seeming to draw strength from the older man's touch. "I think we should talk face to face," Tony said. "There's…there's things you need to know."

"_I know son. I know. I need to listen to you. I need to talk to you too."_

"I know," Tony said.

"_When will you be back in town?"_

"I um…I don't know," Tony whispered. He looked at Gibbs helplessly. "Let uh…let me let you talk to Gibbs." He shoved the phone back at Gibbs before his father could answer. He stood up and headed back into the bedroom, slamming the door behind him.

"Mr. DiNozzo?" Gibbs said. "I have an idea. Let me make a couple of calls and I will call you back alright?"

"_Alright_," Senior relented. He hoped he wasn't being played.

xxx

Gibbs hung up the phone and tapped it against his palm for a moment before standing up. He headed for the bedroom and knocked softly on the door. When he didn't get a response, he cracked the door open and poked his head inside. "Hey Tony?" he said softly.

Tony was lying on his side, facing the wall, a pillow tucked up against his chest with his arms wrapped tightly around it. He didn't seem too terribly tense, but he was definitely not relaxing. Gibbs stepped over to the bed and could see Tony's eyes were wide open. "Babe?" he grabbed Tony's ankle lightly and shook it. "Tony you ok?"

Tony blinked and turned his eyes towards him, without moving his head. "I'm ok," he said softly. "I just…could…" he sighed softly. "Can I be alone for a bit? Need to get my head on straight."

Gibbs rubbed Tony's leg gently. "Sure," he said. "I'll be just downstairs if you need me ok?" Tony nodded. Gibbs walked around the bed and kissed Tony on the temple. Tony blinked for a long moment, but didn't respond otherwise. "Take all the time you need," Gibbs said softly.

A moment later, Tony heard the door click shut.

xxx

Gibbs was surprised to see Tony show up downstairs a while later. He didn't speak though, merely walked to the cabinet in the kitchen and got out a glass. He filled it with water and then turned around, heading back up the stairs.

"Tony?" Gibbs called from the couch where he was reading. Tony stopped and turned around. "I talked to Kate. She and Jimmy would like to come up tomorrow. The others want to come, but can't get off work, and Abby is sick. Is that ok with you?"

Tony considered it for a moment. "Yeah, that's good," he said softly.

"I also…I talked to Cheryl. She heard on the news what happened at your apartment, after we talked to her on the phone. She's pretty concerned. I think she'd like to lay eyes on you and have a face to face conversation."

"Ok," Tony said. "How do we do that?"

"What if she came up with Kate and Palmer?"

"That's a good idea," Tony agreed.

"Alright then, it's settled."

"Hey Gibbs?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you think…could we invite my dad up?"

"I was going to ask you if you wanted to. I can certainly call him and ask. He's not supposed to leave the city because he needs to be available for questioning, but I think if he's with four federal agents and a psychologist, he should be covered. I'll clear it with Fornell before I ask him."

Tony took a sip of water. "Sounds good," he said. He turned and walked the rest of the way up the stairs. Gibbs heard the door click and stared at the hallway for a long moment. Then he pulled out his phone and began to make calls. He needed to line up Cheryl coming up with Kate, and he needed to contact Fornell about Kate and Palmer babysitting Senior long enough to bring him up here for a visit. He sighed. Somehow he'd have to figure out how to suck it up and try to be nice to the old bastard.

But for Tony, he was willing to try.

TBC…


	44. Reconciliation

**Warning**: Mentions of Sexual Abuse, descriptions of sexual abuse—nothing explicit, but it gets a little graphic in one spot. Loads of angst. Oh and vomit.

_Special thanks to my wonderful friend for all your help with this story. You're amazing!_

**No Chains Holding Me  
><strong>**Chapter 44: Reconciliation****  
><strong>

Saturday morning Gibbs woke with a start at the sound of his cell phone ringing. "Mmmf," Tony grunted softly beside him and burrowed his head deeper into the pillow.

"Yeah…Gibbs," he whispered tiredly. Last night had been another long night, following another long night, following…

_"Gibbs it's Fornell,"_ the Senior Agent at the FBI spoke into his ear._ "Wake your lazy ass up Marine!"_

"Stick it," Gibbs mumbled. "Whatta ya want. 's early still…" he yawned—and made sure to do so loud enough that Tobias would hear it.

_"Ha ha funny man,"_ Fornell snarked and Gibbs huffed out a smile. _"Just letting you know. We're on our way up."_

"Who's we?

_"Mr. DiNozzo and myself. Our director okayed it for him to come visit Tony, but he said that Senior needs to stay with someone who works in our agency."_

"He doesn't trust us to keep him out of trouble?" Gibbs asked, sitting up slowly now and rubbing the sand out of his eyes.

_"I think he's more worried about a conflict of interest,"_ Fornell said quietly.

"Oh that's bullshit and you know it," Gibbs snapped. This conversation wasn't fair to have this early in the morning. He hadn't even had a sniff of coffee yet. "Senior isn't even guilty of anything—he wasn't arrested of anything!"

_"I know, but because he is so close to the case…the director just prefers it if we keep an eye on him. Plus…Senior said it makes him feel better. So we're going with it."_

Gibbs sighed. "When are you going to be here?"

_"In about two hours,"_ Fornell said.

"Thanks for the excessive heads up," Gibbs snarked.

_"At least we didn't come crashing in on your slumber party,"_ Fornell chuckled.

"That's a good way to get shot," Gibbs said, a hint of a promise in his voice.

_"So we'll see you soon,"_ Fornell said.

"Hey Tobias?"

_"Yeah Jethro?"_

"All kidding aside…I mean I know it's not the way you wanted to spend your weekend either…but…this visit, it means a lot to Tony. I appreciate you making it happen for him."

Fornell drew a pause at his friend's words. Gibbs was a man of very few words, and those words almost never included 'thank you'. He hadn't thanked him specifically, but Fornell knew that it was as close as he would get to a word of gratitude from his friend, and the words touched him.

_"Emily wanted to come,"_ Fornell said._ "I told her next time. Thought it might be a little much today…y'know,"_ Fornell said. _"Jethro I'm glad to help you know that. Tony's a good guy."_

Jethro noticed that Fornell was going out of his way to avoid referring to Tony as a kid or a boy now. And he appreciated that, too.

"See you soon," Gibbs said.

_"Yep,"_ Fornell said. He smiled when he heard the soft click in his ear. "That might be the closest thing to goodbye that I ever get," Fornell muttered to himself, putting the phone back in his pocket.

xxx

Gibbs was sitting on his father's front porch when the first car arrived. He knew that Kate, Palmer and Cheryl would be arriving in one car and that Fornell and Senior would be riding together in another car. He sipped the warm brew and glanced at his watch. Nearly 11am. He figured people would be arriving any time. Fornell had called about two and a half hours earlier. Once he'd gotten off the phone with the FBI agent, Gibbs went ahead and took his shower and made coffee, preparing himself for the day. When he poked his head back in the bedroom an hour or so earlier, Tony was still sleeping soundly, so Gibbs left him. But now it was getting closer to time for everyone to arrive and Gibbs was beginning to think he should go wake Tony up.

Just as he started to rise from the front steps of the house, he heard the front screen door slam and a moment later a fresh cup of coffee appeared in front of him, just as Tony sat down beside him. The younger man looked…better than Gibbs had expected him to. He looked tired, but he figured that was to be expected.

"Morning," Gibbs said softly.

"Hi," Tony mumbled. He was staring at his lap, fingers tapping nervously on his own coffee cup.

Gibbs noticed that Tony had carefully styled his hair and that he was wearing his jeans with a button down shirt. He blinked. Tony almost looked normal.

"How are you feeling?" Gibbs asked quietly. For some reason, in the quiet spring morning, he felt wrong for wanting to speak out loud.

Tony shrugged one shoulder. "I'm ok," he said. "Nervous."

Gibbs wrapped an arm around Tony's shoulder and pulled him close. He rubbed his nose over Tony's hair and whispered softly into his ear. "Proud of you."

"Why?" Tony asked without moving.

"Asking for this visit…after everything that's happened this week? That's kind of a big deal. Shows lots of progress in my opinion," Gibbs stated matter-of-factly. He didn't move or change his position, content to sit with his lover close and smell his hair and enough the feel of his skin.

It was at that moment that Fornell's car pulled up. "Junior," Senior called, almost falling out of the car. "JUNIOR! Oh thank goodness! Oh Son! Oh—"

The old man froze when Tony backed away from him, burying his face in Gibbs' neck. "Junior?" he asked softer.

"Give him a second," Gibbs said patiently. "It's alright Tony. Just your dad and Fornell. It's alright."

"Agent Gibbs," Senior's voice trembled ever so slightly. "What's…what's wrong with him?"

Gibbs felt the change happen beneath his fingertips. Tony tensed and then suddenly raised up, full mask in place—complete with smile. "It's alright Dad. Just been a long few days. I'm good."

"Tony?" Gibbs asked, looking at his partner in sad horror, but being careful to hide the expression from Senior. "You sure?" he kept his voice soft.

"Sure," Tony said. "I'm uh… just gonna go…gonna go feed Kate. Be back," he said, hopping up and hurrying inside, leaving only the slam of the screen door in his wake.

Senior watched the door for a long moment, wondering why Tony had run from him. "I should go help him," Senior said.

"You should come sit down so we can have a discussion," Gibbs said firmly. "I need to talk to you."

Senior looked at him curiously before glancing at Fornell who nodded. "Alright then Agent Gibbs," Senior said. "But please…please don't spend the day running defense on me."

"I don't plan to. Which is why I would like to talk to you. There are some things you need to know before we go any farther."

The night before, the question had arisen over whether or not Senior should be let into the loop about Tony being raped. Tony was very firm in that he didn't want to have to be the one to say it to his father—"I can't stand to see the look on his face when I tell him,"—but he did feel as though his father should be given a level playing field when it came to the visit. He didn't want there to be any white elephants in the room that would leave Senior feeling isolated. "If I'm going to give him a chance I want it to be a fair chance," Tony said to Gibbs.

So, Gibbs agreed to help Tony. He hadn't expected it to all go down exactly like this though. He hadn't figured Tony would run the instant he laid eyes on his father.

"There's some things you need to know about," Gibbs began uneasily. He glanced at Fornell.

"I'm just going to go get some coffee," the FBI agent said softly.

Once the door shut behind Fornell, Gibbs looked at Senior. "Before your visit to DC…when was the last time you talked to Tony?" he asked quietly, working hard to keep the judgmental tone out of his voice.

"Um…" Senior blushed. "Probably the summer, to be honest. We haven't done so well, keeping in touch, he and I," Senior said uncomfortably.

"Ok," Gibbs said, and Senior blinked in surprise. "Then I need to give you some information. This information is confidential. Tony gave me permission to share it with you."

"He gave you permission to…Agent Gibbs what the hell is going on here?"

"Tony went undercover in December," Gibbs said. "We were working on busting an international arts and antiquities dealer…so we sent Tony to work in the prison, to get close to this dealer, and to bust him out of jail so he could lead us to the missing items."

Senior nodded. "I don't think I like that my son was in prison, but…alright…continue," he said.

"What we did not know, is that this dealer was actually guilty of murdering several people."

Senior's face paled.

"We sewed a GPS tracker into Tony's clothes and we put him into the prison. And he broke them out. And everything went great. And then the guy started to act strangely. He did things like fall into a creek, wreck a car, nearly cause a motorcycle accident—that sort of thing," Gibbs continued, reciting the short version of the events that Tony had told him about. "We needed to find out who this guy was working with though, and at this point we still didn't know he was guilty of murder. So we followed Tony until the guy caused the GPS tracker to stop working. Tony's smart though, and quick to think on his feet, so he left us clues to follow all along the way."

Gibbs took a deep breath. "Eventually the suspect took Tony to meet up with his business partner at an out of the way cabin back in the woods." He swallowed hard, trying to fight the images of his lover in his mind, struggling for consciousness, reeling from the drugs and trying to understand what the hell was going on, all the while trying to fight off his attackers. "That night…while we were still tracking him and trying to locate him…the two guys he was with drugged him. And while he was nearly unconscious they…" Gibbs watched Senior's face grow paler with each word he spoke. "They raped him," Gibbs finally whispered. "They hurt him. Then the guy who was cuffed with Tony killed his business partner. The next morning he and Tony made a run for it, because they were scheduled to meet up with a buyer for the antiquities.

Gibbs felt sick. He thought he might vomit. He realized he'd become so caught up in the living through each day and just surviving each moment with Tony—helping him and helping both of them to move past what had happened, that he really hadn't taken a lot of time to think about the actual events in detail. "While we were en route to the rendezvous point, the suspect pulled a knife on Tony. He nearly killed Tony, but Tony managed to stop him in time. He sat in the car with the suspect for a few minutes until we got there. He was still drugged up and pretty out of it, but was aware of his surroundings and what was going on." He took a deep breath and looked at Senior. The man seemed to have aged ten years inside of ten minutes. "Tony was pretty severely affected by that case, as I'm sure you can imagine. He's been in and out of the hospital since it happened, and he's been staying with me ever since. He's made tremendous amounts of improvements though, but…but we thought you should know. He's not the same young man you're used to seeing, talking to, and dealing with. This Tony…he's still Tony. But he needs space. Not a lot of loud noises. No surprises. If he feels threatened he runs. If he gets scared he shuts down. He has nightmares; he sometimes goes days without eating. It's been a rough road. He's doing much better now, but we wanted you to know what he's dealing with."

Senior blinked in horror several times, trying to make sense of all of the horrible information he'd just been given. He was vaguely aware of the sound of a car pulling into the drive, but his thoughts were swirling and he was trying to stay calm. Part of him wanted to blame Gibbs for letting this happen to his son, but he could tell by the way Gibbs choked up relaying the information that to blame the other man would be very unfair of him.

"This happened in December?" he asked instead.

"Yes," Gibbs said softly.

"That was three months ago," Senior said softly.

"That's right," Gibbs said.

"I have a question," Senior said softly. "And please don't misunderstand. But why am I just now hearing about this?" he asked.

"Well…we've kind of had our hands full just trying to make it from one day to the next," Gibbs said. "And honestly…Tony wasn't sure how you'd take the news. We didn't need another stress added to what we were dealing with." Gibbs' words were firm but not unkind.

Senior took a deep breath and nervously tapped his hands on his thighs. When he glanced at Gibbs he was surprised to see the unshed tears pooled in his eyes. "You know…something like that…it can be really damaging," Senior said softly.

"Do not use that word," Gibbs snapped. "He's not damaged. He's different. He's changed. But damaged has a negative connotation to it. Tony will shut down if you use that word, even if it was true, which it is absolutely not. You'd do well to remember that."

"I understand," Senior said softly. He glanced up at Gibbs then, and out of the corner of his eye saw several people approaching the porch. "You should get him a therapist. Someone he can talk to. Someone who can understand him and help him to…get…through…this," he said uncomfortably, searching for what were hopefully the right words to use.

A hand shot out and stopped just before his chest. "Let me introduce myself," a matronly gray-haired woman in a long button down shirt with rolled up sleeves and jeans said. "My name is Cheryl Hodges. I am Tony's therapist. And you are?"

Senior gulped. A woman? Seriously? "A-Anthony DiNozzo Senior," he said, rising to his feet and trying (and failing) to turn on the charm. "My pleasure." He noticed two other people standing behind the therapist who had the long braid hanging over one shoulder. Senior recognized the pretty dark haired lady as one of the agents who'd visited him two days ago. The other person, a young man with a mop of unruly curly hair and small round glasses, stared evenly at him.

"More guests?" he sputtered. "I wasn't aware there was going to be a party today," Senior said.

"Well, Tony wanted his family near him," Gibbs said. "Regrettably everyone could not make it, Abby was sick and McGee and Ducky were both on assignment, but these two are some of Tony's closest friends. Kate Todd and Jimmy Palmer, meet Anthony DiNozzo Senior, Tony's father. Senior, this is Kate and Jimmy."

"Nice to see you again," Kate said politely, shaking Senior's hand.

"I'm going to go see Tony," Palmer said by way of response, keeping his eyes on Senior. "Agent Gibbs is he inside?"

"Yes," Gibbs said simply.

The young medical examiner brushed past all of them and went inside the house. Senior flinched when the door banged behind him.

xxx

Palmer found Tony in the kitchen. Jack was sitting at the table, keeping him company, and Tony was chopping something on the cutting board. Gibbs told them on the phone that Tony would have food ready, and while he'd thought that sounded strange to start with, it was quickly obvious to the young man that cooking had become Tony's outlet. It was how he was working his stresses out. And he wasn't hurting anyone, and he wasn't breaking anything. It seemed quite productive, actually. And people had to eat. And Palmer knew that if Tony cooked his friend would be more likely to eat.

"Hey man," Palmer said softly from the doorway.

Tony whipped around, curiosity on his face. "Grem?" he spoke softly. "Are you here alone?"

"Kate and Cheryl are still outside with Gibbs and your father," Palmer said softly. "Thought I'd come in and see how you're doing."

"My dad charming them all with some tale of woe?" Tony asked, and turned back to whatever it was he was cutting. From where Palmer was standing he still couldn't tell.

"Nope," Palmer said with a satisfied smile. "Sounded like they were chewing his ass off and handing it to him," he smiled cheekily.

Jackson chuckled. "I'm gonna go watch," he said, rising from the chair and heading for the door.

Once they were alone, Palmer stepped closer to Tony. He turned and leaned his back against the sink, so he could watch the doorway while they talked. Tony continued chopping. He was chopping celery, Palmer noted. "So how are you really?" he asked casually.

Tony's knife faltered for just a moment. He closed his eyes and swallowed hard. Then he let out a long breath. "I'm…uh…I'm having a hard time," he finally croaked out softly.

"Yeah," Palmer said softly. "Yeah I get that. Anything I can do man?" he bumped his shoulder against Tony's.

"Nah," Tony said quietly. "Think I just gotta get past the suck and then move on," he resolutely kept his eyes on the celery he was cutting. "Just…is hard…" he shrugged. "Gibbs is telling my dad about what happened. I…I couldn't tell him…I couldn't face him like that and tell him…" he shuddered and dropped the knife on the counter. He dug the heels of his hands into his eyes and bowed his head.

Palmer carefully inserted himself between Tony and the counter and pulled his friend close. "I gotcha buddy," he said softly as Tony leaned heavily against his friend. "It's gonna be alright."

Over Tony's shoulder, Jimmy saw Gibbs standing in the doorway. The older man nodded once, and then turned, heading back out onto the porch. Palmer wondered how long he'd been listening.

xxx

It was nearly time to eat before Tony re-emerged from the kitchen. He only went to be sociable then because Jackson shooed him out. "C'mon Tony," he urged. "Can't stay holed up in this kitchen all day. It's a nice day outside. Go get some air. Take Palmer with you."

They walked out onto the porch and Tony hesitated when he saw his dad sitting in the rocker next to Cheryl. He expected condemnation and horror from the old man. He wasn't expecting the look of concern and anguish that crossed the older man's face. "We uh, we're gonna go for a walk," Tony said. "Anyone wants to come…they can join us."

"I'll go," Kate said. She'd been hoping to get some time away from everyone with Tony. Palmer was not a distraction; Kate knew Tony would be honest with both of them. Cheryl had Senior pretty much pinned in the chair giving him a long lecture about what all Tony had been through and what to expect from him.

The three young agents strolled down the nice, tree-lined street. The road Jackson lived on made a circle, so if you followed the road, in a half mile or so you ended up back at the house. "Thank you," Tony blurted unexpectedly, as soon as they were out of ear shot of the house. He stopped and stared at his two best friends. "You two…" he shrugged. "You guys are great."

Kate swung her hip out and hit Tony with it. She smiled at him. "We know," she said simply, with a snarky smile.

"Oh is that a fact?" Tony snorted airily. He knocked Kate with his own hip.

"Yeah," Jimmy said from Tony's other side. "That's a fact alright." He grinned. "We miss ya Tony."

"Miss you guys too."

"Has anything more been said about you coming back to work?"

"Not to my knowledge," Tony said. "I'd like to though. Once all this BS with my…step…mother is finished. I don't know…" he ran a hand up the outside of his arm. "It's weird ya know? Been keeping things like that a secret pretty much my whole life…and now…now it's all out in the open. Everyone knows about it. Makes me feel dirtier now than it ever did before."

"Well you can be assured that we don't think differently of you," Kate promised. "None of us. Even Tim, Abby and Ducky…you know they wanted to come today, right?"

"I know," Tony said softly. "Heard Abby's sick."

"She's got the crud," Kate agreed. "She oughta be fine soon."

"Hope so," Tony said.

"Did you know she's joined a support group?" Palmer asked. "For people who are rape survivors and family members of rape survivors?"

Tony vaguely remembered hearing Gibbs mention it at some point and he nodded. "Yeah," he said softly.

"I went with her a couple of times," Palmer said softly.

"So did I," Kate said.

Tony stopped, his eyes widening and his jaw dropping. "Really?" he said softly.

"Sure we did," Palmer said. "Tim went too. We're willing to do whatever it takes to help you Tony. You're our family. Our brother. And we love you."

After all these months…after all this time of hearing all of the reassurances given to him by Gibbs, and by Ducky, and Cheryl…just hearing one sentence from his friend and seeing the emphatic nod of agreement from the other made more difference than all their words combined.

"I don't know what to say," Tony said, his voice a hoarse whisper, filled with emotion.

"Say it's lunch time," Kate said, relieving the pressure of the moment. "I'm starving! What'd you cook for us?"

Tony smiled then, a soft smile, and his heart felt better than it had in he didn't know how long. He could overcome this. He really believed it for the first time now. "I made lunch," he said. "You'll have to wait and find out what it is!"

Kate narrowed her eyes, but Tony could see she was smiling. Tony shoved her hard in the shoulder and took off running in the opposite direction, heading back towards Jack's house. "Last one home does the dishes!"

Together, like small children on a playground, the three young agents ran laughing all the way back to the house.

xxx

After a delicious lunch filled with laughter and good stories, Senior pushed his plate away and smiled, patting his stomach. "That was delicious Tony," he commented. "Really, exceptional cooking."

"Thanks Dad," Tony said softly, his cheeks coloring slightly. "But it wasn't anything fancy," he said with a shrug.

Senior glanced nervously at their other table companions. "Could we go outside Tony?" he asked softly. "I'd like to talk, if you are up to it."

Tony blinked and looked around. He was still amazed that all of these people—Kate, Jimmy, Cheryl, Fornell and his dad—that they'd given up their weekend to come visit him. HIM! Seemed almost unheard of. He wiped his mouth nervously with his napkin and looked at Gibbs.

"Up to you," Gibbs said gently, with a reassuring smile.

Tony nodded and slid his chair back. "Sure Dad," he said. "Let's go." He glanced at the others as he stood up and all of them nodded with encouragement. Once Senior's back was turned Kate held up crossed fingers and Jimmy silently punched one fist into his palm. Tony smiled and shook his head, following his father outside onto the porch.

Senior moved to the rocking chair he'd occupied for most of the morning, but Tony sat on the steps and leaned against the banister.

"Agent Gibbs…he told me about what happened," Senior said awkwardly. _How do you have this conversation with you son?_ he wondered to himself.

"Yeah we thought that'd be a good idea to do that," Tony said quietly.

"Tony…I just wanted…I need to say…" he sighed. He was fucking this all up.

"It's alright Dad," Tony said, resigned. He figured his father couldn't take it. It was ok. Not the end of the world. He'd survive because he always did.

"It's not alright," Senior said. "It's not alright that you've had to go through any of this!"

Tony shrugged. "You don't even know the half of it." He stared at his knees, wondering for the umpteenth time if it was a good idea to have his father here today.

Senior rose from the chair and moved to the step next to Tony. He sat next to him, shoulder to shoulder. "Then tell me?" he asked gently.

Tony lifted awestruck and horror filled eyes to his father. "You…nooooo Dad," he shook his head. "No you don't…you don't wanna know…I…I can't tell you…"

Senior didn't move, didn't flinch, and didn't blink. He did, however, understand that Tony had no reason to trust him with such information. "I know," he said softly, relenting. "I don't deserve that. You have no obligation to tell me," he agreed quietly. "And…maybe I don't _want _to know…but I think I _need _to know. You're my son Tony. And I love you. And I've…I've let you down. I've not been a good father. Not been a good role model. I've…I've made a lot of mistakes," he admitted.

"Dad I…" He ran a hand through his hair. "I didn't mean it like that. I mean…you've…you've always…always _tried_…"

"No son," Senior said, his tone guilt-laden and heavy. "No. I haven't always tried. But I want to try now. I want to understand you. I want to get to know you. I want to do better. I am so sorry for all the mistakes I've made. I've made so many of them. If you'd like to talk to me about the things you've been through—or anything else at all—then I would love to hear it. But if you aren't ready for that…I can respect that, too."

Tony felt like he might lose his lunch. He hadn't expected all of this. He took a shaky breath. "I um…I have a question," he said, his voice almost a whisper.

"Anything," Senior promised. "Ask away!"

"Did you know what…what _she _was doing to me?"

Senior was smart enough to realize that the way he handled this question would either make or break their relationship. The question from Tony was raggedly honest and painful to ask, and Senior figured the best thing he could do was be honest in return.

He took a deep breath. "No," he said, and his voice cracked on the word. "No I didn't know. And I…I think maybe there were times…times when you wanted to tell me about it?" he glanced at Tony who nodded without looking at him. "And I couldn't hear it. I couldn't see it. I never caught on. Like I said…I wasn't a good father to you Tony." Tony kept his eyes fixed on his lap. Senior took a deep breath. "Tony…Son will you look at me?"

Tony raised eyes filled with emotion to look at his father.

"I'm sorry," Senior said sincerely. "I know the words are empty, and if I could go back in time and change it—change it all…I hope you believe me when I tell you I'd do all of it different. I'd have never intentionally put you in harm's way. It makes me sick to know…to know that I did put you in harm's way. That I left you with someone…a person I trusted…a person who…who hurt you so badly." Tears sprang to the old man's eyes and he took a shaky breath. "I never wanted you to be hurt Tony," he said softly. Tears spilled down his cheeks then. "I always thought I was leaving you somewhere safe. I thought Mary would…would be the parent that I wasn't able to be. I had…no…idea…what she was doing to you. And I am so sorry for what you went through. I…I hope you can forgive me one day."

"I tried to tell you lots of times," Tony mumbled softly, and pointed his eyes back to his knees, which he drew up closer to himself. It was as though he was trying to make himself as small as possible. "I tried to tell you…and you were always too busy…or too…" he shrugged. "I don't know what. I figured I'd done something to deserve all of it though. Figured you knew about it. I…I didn't know what to do then. I guess I just gave up. I thought if I could be good enough that she'd stop, but…but she didn't. That's why I kept doing everything I could to get sent away."

Senior sucked in a gasp of horror.

"I knew if I left that she wouldn't do…that…to me anymore. I knew I had to get away. So I did. The only way I knew how. It's why I left and never looked back once I was grown."

Senior nodded, understanding. He didn't like it, but dammit he got it.

Tony looked at his dad. "I believe you," he said softly. "I believe you when you say you didn't know."

"Thank you," Senior said with a small nod.

There were a few moments when neither of them spoke. Senior debated what to say, while Tony wondered if he wanted to go back inside and run away from this whole thing. He heard faint footsteps behind him and figured that someone was watching his six. But so far…he felt safe. He didn't feel as though he needed anyone to watch his six. He felt secure with his father. Perhaps that was what was inspiring him to want to talk now.

"Do…" he didn't dare look up, and his voice sounded a bit like a child who'd been punished too often when he spoke for his liking, "Do you want to hear about it?" he asked.

Senior laid a gentle hand on his forearm. "That depends," Senior said quietly, "on whether or not you want to tell me. If it will help you, then by all means."

"I…I've not talked about it much," Tony said. Senior wondered which "it" Tony was referring to.

"Would…would you like to talk about it?" Senior asked. He tried to keep the fear out of his voice, but wasn't sure he succeeded.

"It was strange," Tony said, his voice nearly a whisper. "One of those things that sometimes I remember only as a dream…other times I can still…still feel it…and…and it took me years," he looked up at Senior. "Years. Years to figure out that what was happening was bad…I…You know, know what's funny?" Tony laughed nervously. "Was…was funny that…you know a lot of times it never hurt," Tony's voice cracked.

Senior reached out and took Tony's hand inside his shaking one. "I'm here Son," he whispered. "You can trust me. You can tell me. I'm right here."

"S-sometimes…I wondered if I wanted it…and then I wondered if that made me bad…" he raised a shaking hand to his mouth. "Dad…Daddy…did that make me bad? Did I do something bad?"

Senior heard the odd change in Tony's voice and looked at him with concern. He cupped Tony's face in his hands and he looked deep into his son's pained green eyes. "Tony? Son stay with me," he ordered gently. "Listen to me Tony. You have done nothing wrong. Nothing bad. None of what happened was your fault. You hear? None of it!"

Tony grabbed Senior's wrists and stared at his father's eyes. "Do you promise?" he asked.

Senior nodded. He'd never been more sincere in his life. "I promise," he said. "I swear it."

Tony nodded. His gaze dropped slightly, and he stared at a point somewhere over Senior's left shoulder. "We used to play this game," Tony whispered. "She always called it a game. I never liked it much…and I could never win…"

Senior thought he might vomit the delicious lunch he'd just eaten. "Tell me," he forced out, sounding much more confident to handle this than he felt. "I need to hear it. I want you to tell me."

Tony took a deep breath. "This game…it was called…called the Statue Game…" he whispered. "I can remember laying on the bed…staring at the ceiling. The object of the game was for me to pretend…pretend to be a stone statue…" he took a deep breath. "And…and I had to be very quiet. I couldn't make any noise. It was…It was _her _job…her job to try to make me move or make noises. She would…sometimes use her fingers…sometimes her mouth…sometimes it tickled…other times it hurt…sometimes it burned…I don't…I don't remember a lot of it…I'm not sure why," Tony said quietly, running his hands through his hair and shaking his head wearily. He shrugged.

"It's a defense mechanism," Cheryl suddenly spoke from behind them. Tony whipped around, surprised to find the kind therapist watching from the screen door. "May I join you?" she asked softly.

"Yes," Tony said. Cheryl stepped outside. "You see Tony, sometimes we experience traumatic things, and our brains do what they can to protect us. The tricky part…is that when we store memories like that, a piece of us stays there with those memories."

Tony blinked. "Wow," he breathed. "I…I um…" he took a shuddering breath. "I'll be right back," he whispered, lurching off the step.

Senior noticed right out of the corner of his eye that Gibbs was heading around the house—a not so subtle attempt to make sure everyone was alright. He started to get up off the stairs to go assist Tony who was dropping to his knees near the bushes, but Gibbs got there first.

"Easy Tony," Gibbs said, dropping to his knees beside the younger man. He put a steadying hand across Tony's chest to keep him from falling over in the bushes as he heaved and groaned painfully.

"Was Gibbs watching us?" Senior asked Cheryl, his voice just above a whisper.

"I think everyone has been watching you," Cheryl said gently. "Please understand, we don't mean any disrespect. We all care very much for Tony and his well-being."

Senior started to make a snarky retort to that, but then he thought the better of it. These people were the ones who were closest to Tony. The ones who knew him the best, the ones that he trusted the most. "Of course," he said softly. He ran a hand over his face, and watched the interaction taking place a few feet away.

Gibbs was right beside Tony. He wasn't trying to get out of splatter range; he wasn't shying away from Tony or his emotions. He was taking everything Tony threw out head on, he was not afraid, he was not intimidated by Tony at all.

Senior was horrified to find he was jealous. He was Tony's father. He should be down there helping him.

"You look a bit perplexed," Cheryl observed quietly.

"I am," Senior admitted. "I…I don't understand their relationship," he said softly.

"What do you see when you look at them?"

"I can't figure out if they're just best friends or if they're work partners or if they're like brothers or if they're more father-son or…" Senior's eyes widened and his jaw dropped slightly. "Oh my God," he said softly. "Tony told me…he told us that he…that he's gay," Senior said softly. "So…so which is it?"

"They are definitely not father and son or brothers," Cheryl said gently. "But the rest of it—yes. They are all of that."

"That makes so much more sense," Senior said softly.

"Yes," Cheryl said.

Senior watched Gibbs slowly ease Tony to his feet. Tony looked horribly upset. Gibbs pulled out a handkerchief and passed it to him and Tony wiped his mouth. Together they headed for the front porch. "I think…Dad…Dad I'm gonna go inside for a bit," he said softly. Gibbs wasn't supporting him but was right at his elbow, ready to step in at a moment's notice.

"Alright Son," Senior said. He reached out and grabbed Tony's hand, stopping him. "Tony?"

Tony stopped and looked down at him. Gibbs stared at him also. "Yeah?"

"I…I get it," Senior said softly. "I get it." He squeezed Tony's hand.

"Thanks," Tony whispered.

xxx

Inside, Gibbs stopped by the kitchen and poured a glass of water. Kate and Palmer were sitting at the table, playing cards with Jack. "Is everything ok?" Kate asked.

"Yeah," Gibbs said softly. "Everything's gonna be alright now I think," he said softly.

Kate glanced at him. "Is Tony still talking to his dad?"

"Nah he's inside now. Think he wants to take a rest," Gibbs said. "I'll be back in a bit."

Kate and Palmer nodded, sharing a smile as Gibbs hurried out of the room.

xxx

Gibbs followed Tony into the bedroom. He noticed the silent tears that were streaming down his face and he shut the door quickly and hurried over to his partner. "Are you alright?" he asked softly.

"Oh sure Jethro I'm fantastic," Tony snorted with a roll of his eyes.

"Hey," Jethro said softly. Tony stopped and looked at him. "Hey," Jethro said again, even softer. "Talk to me."

Tony pulled away from Gibbs. "I don't know what to say," he breathed softly.

Gibbs gently turned him around. "It's ok," he said and pulled him into a gentle embrace. "You don't have to say anything."

Tony clung tightly to him and closed his eyes. "You always know what to say," he finally breathed out shakily. "You always know how to make it better."

Gibbs was humbled by Tony's admission. "Thank you," he said softly. They stayed there for a few minutes. "Do you want to go back downstairs?"

Tony was quiet for a long moment. "No," he finally breathed. "I'm sorry…I know I asked for this today…but I just…Gibbs I…I can't…I can't go back down there. Not right now…I think I wanna lay down and just…not think for a while."

Gibbs smiled at him and kissed him on the cheek. "Then that's what we'll do," he said softly.

xxx

Later, just after dark, Palmer knocked lightly on the door. They were getting ready to leave. He peeked in the room and smiled. Without saying a word, he closed the door back and headed back down the stairs.

"Are they up there?" Kate asked.

"Yep," Palmer said. "Definitely up there."

"Are they coming downstairs?"

"I don't think so." Palmer shook his head. "I think Tony's had enough for one day."

"Well I would like to say goodbye to Tony," Senior said. "Do we have time?" he turned to Fornell.

The FBI agent nodded. "Yeah," he said. He wondered what Senior would find at the top of the stairs.

Senior hurried up the stairs. When he reached the top he saw one of the bedroom doors had lights on underneath it. He grinned and knocked lightly on the door, much like Palmer had done moments earlier.

Gibbs was sitting up in bed, reading. His back leaned against the headboard and the lamp was on. His reading glasses were perched firmly on his nose and he was deeply engrossed in his book. Or so Senior thought. "I was wondering if you'd come up here," he said softly. "Was wondering if you'd come to tell Tony you're getting ready to leave."

"How did you—"

"Well I know Fornell told me you had to be back tonight. And it's already after dinner time and it's a four hour drive back. I figured you guys were getting ready to leave."

"Yeah," Senior said. "How's Tony?"

Gibbs glanced down. Tony was sprawled on his stomach, across Gibbs' lap, his head on Gibbs' thigh, sound asleep. A thin stream of drool dripped lazily down his jaw. Gibbs' hand was in Tony's hair. "I think he's gonna be ok," he spoke softly, so as not to wake his partner. "I think today really helped him." He looked up at Senior and he smiled. "You being here meant a great deal to him."

"I wouldn't have been anywhere else," Senior said. "It was…some of it was tough, but…but I think it was a good day."

"I think so too," Gibbs said.

"May I?" Senior gestured towards Tony.

"Try not to wake him," Gibbs said softly.

"I don't want to wake him," Senior said. He stepped up beside the bed and he straightened the blankets over his son carefully. Tony didn't move. Senior smiled sadly down at his boy and ran a light hand over Tony's hair. "I missed so much," Senior whispered. "I have so many things to be sorry for, so many things to make amends for. I don't think I've ever even tucked him into bed before…before now," he said ruefully. "I don't deserve him."

Gibbs looked up at him, gauging the older man carefully. "Remember the lessons you've learned and you'll be fine," he spoke softly.

Senior nodded. He held out his hand and Gibbs shook it. "Thank you Gibbs. Tony is so lucky to have you."

"No," Gibbs said. "I'm the lucky one."

TBC…


	45. Leaps of Faith

**Warning: **Some disturbing icky-squicky-ness (Seriously it grosses me out) in the Mary section. Loads of angst. Go find your tissues. I've got stock shares in Kleenex lol

_Special thanks to my wonderful friend for your bravery and your help with this story._

**No Chains Holding Me  
><strong>**Chapter 45: Leaps of Faith****  
><strong>

_Two Weeks Later_

Gibbs pulled the car into his driveway and took a deep breath. They hadn't been in the house since the night Ari's bomb had been in their bed, the night that Jason Schwartz had mistaken Ari Haswari for Tony in the darkness and murdered him in cold blood right in Gibbs' basement. He glanced over at Tony who was eyeing the house cautiously. It seemed that Tony had reached a bit of a turning point after everyone visited him in Stillwater. The night after everyone visited had been a tough one, and Tony had spent most of the night flipping channels on the television to keep the nightmares at bay. Sometime between the Magic Bullet infomercial and the Thigh Master infomercial he'd fallen asleep with his head on Gibbs' shoulder. But ever since…he'd been calmer. More settled. They stayed with Jackson until Gibbs got the call from Fornell that their house was ready to be occupied again.

And now the time had come for them to move back home.

Gibbs reached out and wrapped his fingers lightly around Tony's. "Ready?" he asked softly. They'd arrived at the house with plenty of daylight left to search the house over carefully before the shadows of evening set in.

Tony took a deep breath and didn't take his eyes off the house. "First step's the hardest right? Isn't that what people keep telling me?"

"Got it in one," Gibbs said, glancing at him with a smile. Tony returned the smile weakly. "You ready?"

Tony nodded mutely and together, they got out of the car and headed into their home.

xxx

The week after they returned home, Jethro and Tony found themselves seated in Cheryl's office for their joint counseling session.

"So tell me Tony," Cheryl said, sitting in her favorite wingback chair, clipboard in her lap. She sipped on the coffee cup in her other hand and smiled at him. "How did your first night at home go?"

Tony and Gibbs shared a look and Tony shook his head and dropped his gaze to his lap. "It uh…wasn't too bad. Could have been worse."

Cheryl narrowed her eyes slightly and glanced at Gibbs whose expression was blank. "Gibbs?"

"Yeah?" he responded.

"How did your first night at home go?"

"Think Tony already answered that Doc," Gibbs said with a smile.

"Can I get some more details out of one of you? Both of you? Someone start talking PLEASE?!"

Tony's cheeks blushed. "We were ok. We searched the house when we got home. And we searched the different floors anytime one of us went up or down. And then we ate dinner and then Gibbs worked on the boat."

"What did you do while Gibbs worked on the boat?" Cheryl asked Tony.

"Slept under it," Tony said softly, blushing lightly.

"Not the answer, I was expecting," Cheryl said with a soft chuckle at herself for having jumped to conclusions. She quickly schooled her features. "Ok," Cheryl said. "Sounds like you're making good progress. So how are things going? I haven't heard from either of you since our last phone session a week and a half ago!"

"Things are really good Cheryl," Tony said softly. "I've been sleeping better; Gibbs has started working out with me to build my strength back up, get me back in shape…and…maybe the best news? I've gained five pounds," he smiled proudly.

"That's excellent progress!" Cheryl said. "Good work Tony!"

"A lot of things are different now," Tony said. "Things I didn't even know needed to change."

"Want to tell me more about that?"

Tony was quiet for a moment, thinking back over the things that had changed. "Ever since…" he stood up and started wandering around the room. He fingered the curtain and peeked through it, looking down at the foot traffic below him on the University campus. "Ever since that day when everyone came to visit…things are different. I've talked to my dad almost every day. He…he's really trying. He wants to have a relationship—a real one! I…I've never had…" he shook his head. "This is new. I don't know…I don't know how to do it…but I…he…" he sighed and glanced at Gibbs who was smiling encouragingly. "WE are figuring it out."

"That's wonderful Tony. Have you heard anymore about your step-mother?"

"Her trial for the sexual abuse and child molestation charges begins in a few weeks," Tony said. "I got a call from the Federal Prosecutor. They want to call me as a witness…so it looks like there's a chance I will have to take the stand. Don't think dear old mom is going to be too happy to see me show up. Although…" his face paled just slightly. "I don't…I don't really want to talk…in front of, you know, everyone…not a-about that."

"Perhaps you could arrange to do a deposition?"

"We're working on that. Tony's got representation from JAG coming down this week to assist us. Tony's going to have legal representation throughout the process to make sure that his identity is protected and that confidentiality measures are taken to insure his safety for the future since he works in Federal Law Enforcement. We aren't taking any chances," Gibbs jumped in.

"That's really smart," Cheryl said. "Really smart."

The session continued much in this same manner until their time was up. Gibbs thanked her and headed for the door, but Tony hesitated. Gibbs got to the door and noticed that Tony wasn't behind him. "Tony? You coming?"

"Just a second," Tony said. "I have to ask Cheryl one more question. I'll be right there."

Gibbs nodded and waved at Cheryl. Once he was out the door Tony looked at Cheryl and his smile faded. "I have a question," he said softly. "I need your advice."

xxx

That night, Gibbs was laying in bed reading, when Tony came to join him. He stopped in the doorway and leaned against the frame.

"Hey," Gibbs said, putting the book down. Tony smiled shyly. "You ok?" Gibbs asked. He'd noticed that Tony had been quiet all evening. Tony nodded and ran a hand up the outside of his arm. "C'mere Babe," Gibbs said, holding an arm out.

Tony didn't move, he stayed where he was. "I've been thinking Gibbs," he said softly. "I talked to Cheryl today…asked her advice."

Gibbs didn't like the feeling he got in his gut at Tony's words. "Is everything alright?" he asked quietly.

Tony moved to sit on the bed. "I just…I want to talk to you about something…but I don't know how you are going to feel about it." He shrugged reluctantly.

After another moment with the heavy silence between them, Gibbs spoke. "Well are ya gonna tell me?" he asked.

Tony looked at him for a long moment. Then he dropped his gaze to his lap and shook his head. "I don't…I don't know how to admit this," he said quietly.

xxx

The next morning Gibbs stormed into the bullpen, the expression on his face daring anyone around him to approach. He settled at his desk, and with a long puff of air, he started checking his email. About an hour later, McGee and Kate showed up, quickly taking note of the expression on Gibbs' face and settling in at their desks with only minimal conversation. They were relieved to see their boss back at work, but the look on his face made all of them wary. The three of them worked silently for about an hour until the elevators dinged and the doors slid open.

"GIBBS! GIBBS! GIBBS! GIBBS! GIBBS!" Abby raced out of the elevator. "I heard Tony's in the building! I heard he's here! Is he back coming back to work? Why didn't he come visit me?"

"I haven't seen him yet, Abby. He must have just gotten here."

The elevators dinged again and Gibbs looked up as Abby whipped around. "TONY!" She squealed. She didn't run up to him though, she merely waved frantically.

Tony stopped and smiled at his friends. He waved at them and then stared at Gibbs for a long moment. Gibbs glanced at the others and then nodded. "We'll be in the director's office," Gibbs said softly. He stepped up to Tony and rested a gentle hand on his shoulder as they headed up to speak to Director Morrow together.

xxx

"Gentlemen!" Director Morrow greeted his two finest agents warmly as they entered his office.

"Good morning Director," Tony said softly.

"Tom," Gibbs greeted.

"I got your message last night Gibbs, saying you wanted a meeting."

"Yessir," Gibbs said.

"Well! Don't keep me in suspense," Morrow said. "Lay it on me boys! What can I do for you? Let me guess," he smiled at Tony. "You want to come back to work?"

Tony and Gibbs glanced at each other. Gibbs smiled at Tony and the young man took a deep breath. He reached into the breast pocket of his suit jacket and pulled out an envelope.

"Not exactly sir." Tony handed Tom the envelope. "I'm resigning."

All of the color drained from Morrow's face. "You're…what?" he asked weakly. "Agent DiNozzo—"

"Please sir," Tony said gently. "Call me Tony."

"Tony…I don't understand…if you need more time then you can certainly—"

"Director…" Tony sighed. "Sir…I want you to understand…it's nothing personal, and it isn't because I don't love my job." He took a deep breath and his eyes hit his shoes. "I do love my job. But I…I've had a lot of time to think. And a lot of shi—stuff has happened. And every time it happens I've freaked out. Completely lost it. And…and I can't…I can't in good conscience come back to work as a field agent. I don't know how I'd be in the field. Don't know how I'd do if I had to go undercover. The biggest responsibility of my job is watching everyone's sixes and making sure the agents around me are safe. If I'm freaking out…I can't watch out for other people if I'm too distracted by my own…_issues_." He spat the word out as though it tasted bad.

Morrow looked sick. Gibbs…I…can't you talk to him? Convince him to change his mind?"

Gibbs stared at his boss, a pained look on his face. He recalled the conversation he and Tony had the night before…

_***Flashback***_

_Tony looked at him for a long moment. Then he dropped his gaze to his lap and shook his head. "I don't…I don't know how to admit this," he said quietly._

"_Admit what?" Gibbs asked, exasperation in his tone. "Just tell me! Whatever it is—we'll deal with it!"_

_Tony took a deep breath. "I just…let me get it all out ok? Before you…" he sighed again. "I can't go back to work Jethro," he blurted softly. Might as well just rip the band-aid off and get it over with._

"_What?" Gibbs breathed. He cupped Tony's jaw gently in one hand. "Tony…Sweetheart you're getting better—improving every day! Of course you can come back to work! It just…takes time to come back from something like this, is all."_

"_No," Tony whispered. "I can't. Think about it Jethro. There are days when I still can't handle it if someone walks up behind me. What'll I do if we're on a scene and something happens? What if I have to diffuse a bomb? What if I have to go undercover? What if someone tries to slit my throat or grabs me in an attempt to distract me while we're working a case?"_

_Gibbs was silent._

"_I can't put you all in danger," Tony murmured. "I love you all so much…you're my family—the only real family I've ever had! And I just…I can't stand the thought that I might…unintentionally…get one or all of you killed! Gibbs…Jethro please…please understand," Tony slid off the bed and landed on his knees next to Jethro. "I love you…and I love watching your six and I love working with you…but…but I would never forgive myself if you got hurt because I froze or because I hesitated. In our work you know that half seconds can make the difference between living and dying. What if I hesitate? I can't do it Gibbs. I can't take that chance. I talked to Cheryl about it yesterday. She told me I have to do what I think is best. I don't know what I'm going to do yet…Haven't decided…but…but I can't be an agent anymore Jethro. I just can't do it."_

_Tears filled Tony's eyes after a moment when Gibbs didn't respond. "Say something," he begged. "Please…please say something Jethro."_

_Jethro looked at him carefully, and ran his fingers lightly through Tony's hair. He leaned over and pressed a kiss to Tony's forehead. He knew that Tony wouldn't have made this decision lightly and that he wouldn't have brought it up if he weren't completely serious. He looked into Tony's eyes and he smiled. "Ok," he said softly and Tony buried his face in Gibbs' lap. He ran his hand lightly through Tony's hair and swallowed hard. "Ok," Gibbs said again._

_***End Flashback***_

Gibbs shook his head. "Nope," he said sadly. "We sat up for a long time last night talking about it. It's been eating at him for some time now. Tony thinks it's the best choice for him. He's the one who knows himself better than anyone, and I have never doubted him when he's told me something." Gibbs looked at Tony. "If this is what he thinks is best, then I support him. I don't like it; I'll miss him of course, but I respect his decision and the reasoning behind it." Tony smiled softly and nodded, grateful for the unwavering support this man had given him.

"What if we find you another position? Doing something other than being a field agent?" Morrow asked hopefully.

Tony glanced at Gibbs who squeezed his hand and then shook his head. "No sir," he said softly.

Morrow sank into his chair and opened the envelope. Gibbs had sat up half the night with Tony, helping him to write the letter that would effectively bring his law enforcement career to an end. Finally he looked up at the two men before him.

"Then I guess, the only question I have left is…Gibbs is Kate ready for a promotion?"

xxx

Once they finished speaking with the director, Gibbs and Tony quietly stepped onto the elevator. Halfway between the floors, Gibbs' hand shot out and punched the emergency stop button. "You ok?" he asked his partner softly, eyeing him carefully.

"Yeah," Tony said, his voice equally soft. "Just…can't believe I actually did that."

"Are you having second thoughts? Nothing is—"

"No," Tony said gently. "It's the right choice, just…" he shrugged. "Just is hard. Kind of feel like a dandelion seed, Bos—Jethro." Tony caught himself. He didn't need to call Jethro "Boss" anymore.

"What are your plans for the rest of the day?"

"Figured I'd go home and cook dinner," Tony said softly. He laughed sadly. "I sound like a housewife, don't I? Gibbs…Jethro I love you, but I don't want to be your housewife."

"I don't want you to be my housewife," Jethro said. He pulled Tony into a tight hug and ran his arms up and down the younger man's back. "But the fact remains that we have to eat, and you're there to cook it and I am stuck here. Just means we're going to eat dinner Tony. That's all it means," he reassured him.

"I think I might wanna do that other thing we talked about too," Tony said, eyeing Gibbs carefully.

"Are you sure?"

"Maybe not tonight," Tony said. "Think I've….met my excitement quotient for the day," he chuckled nervously. "But I think it would be good for me. You could go with me if you wanted to."

Gibbs smiled. "I'd be honored," he promised.

xxx

Gibbs and Tony stepped off the elevator and entered the bullpen. Abby was nowhere to be seen, which Gibbs thought might be a good thing. He glanced at Tony who moved slowly to his desk, sitting down in his chair reverently, a funny expression on his face.

Kate smiled at her partner. "Been a while, eh DiNozzo? You ever gonna get up off your butt and come back to work?"

Tony stared at her for a long moment before looking at Gibbs. Gibbs nodded, indicating that Tony should go ahead and tell them. "Maybe we'd better call up Autopsy and Abby and get everyone here," Gibbs said after a second thought.

Kate furrowed her eyebrows and looked first at Tony, then at Gibbs, and finally at McGee. "Did I miss something?" she asked.

Gibbs made the appropriate phone calls and moments later the elevator dinged and Jimmy, Ducky, and Abby all came off the elevator. Abby nearly squealed when she saw Tony sitting at his desk, feet propped up on it as he'd done a million times before. She stepped up to his desk and smiled across at him. "I don't think you have any idea how wonderful you look right now, in this very minute," she said cheerfully. "Oh Tony it's so good to see you sitting there at your desk like you're meant to! It's awesome!"

"Let's go to the conference room," Gibbs said. "It'll be easier to talk in there. More private." Tony nodded. Gibbs looked around. "All of ya. Let's move." Gibbs took off towards the nearest conference room, the others falling into step behind him and Tony bringing up the rear.

Once they were all inside Gibbs closed the door. Tony was leaning against the wall and the others were all draped across the chairs and tables in various states of seated-ness. "Now," Gibbs said. "Tony has something he needs to tell you all, and you need to hear what he says. Save your questions until he's finished ok?"

The others looked curiously between the two of them but nodded in agreement.

Gibbs looked at Tony and smiled, giving him an encouraging nod.

Tony looked a bit like he'd swallowed a bug.

"I um…wanted you all to know," he began quietly, "that I've been doing a lot of thinking…about work, and about you all, and about what…what happened…" he took a deep breath and he looked at his shoes. He couldn't look them in the eyes and tell them. He'd never get it out. "I've decided to resign from my position at NCIS," he said softly.

There was a period of about seven seconds where no one said a word. Then, it seemed, everyone recovered at once.

"TONY!"

"Anthony? Dear boy are you certain?"

"SERIOUSLY?!"

"Oh my goodness."

"Oh wow…Tony…man I…I don't know what to say…"

Tony smiled sadly. "I think I heard two questions. Yes I'm certain, and I'm quite serious," he said.

"But…why?" Abby sputtered. Tears were in her eyes, threatening to fall, but she was fighting them back. She was trying to be strong for him, Tony could tell. They all were. They all had been for months. And now…now Tony felt like a coward for his decision. Was he making the wrong choice? He looked at Gibbs and he shook his head. Without another word, he turned and left the room.

The silence and shock hung thickly in the room for a moment and Gibbs let out a long breath. "He's got his reasons," he said softly. "And they're valid ones, good ones. I am supporting him in this. Do I like it? No. Do I think he's making the right choice for himself right now? Yes. Are we going to try to change his mind?" He looked at each one of the team members who were looking to him for guidance. "No," he said firmly. "We aren't. We clear? Tony will share his reasons with you when he's ready. He needs us to be supportive." The agents were stunned into silence. Gibbs opened the door to the conference room. "Let's go get back to work," he told them quietly.

The others filed out of the room and Gibbs followed them, but turned towards the restroom instead, hoping Tony would be there. Sure enough, Gibbs found him sitting in a stall, on the floor, his back pressed against the metal door.

"Ok Tony?" he asked softly.

"Are we alone?" Tony countered, equally quietly.

"Yes," Gibbs said simply.

"I'm not sure I'm ok then," Tony said honestly. "Kinda think I might throw up."

"Awww now that's too bad," Gibbs said, settling on the floor, his back against the same door Tony's was against.

"Why's that?" Tony asked.

"I was going to take you out to lunch," Gibbs said with a shrug. "Was going to take you out to celebrate?"

"You're going to celebrate me leaving NCIS? What the fuck Jethro?" Tony's tone didn't hold any of the bite that his words alluded to though.

Gibbs chuckled. "No ya bone head! I'm going to celebrate you taking ownership of your life back. You're making your own choices—even when they're difficult ones. It's good work Tony."

"I think we probably look pretty stupid sitting here back to back in the bathroom with a door between us," Tony remarked.

"You're the one hiding in a stall," Gibbs said gently. "Think ya oughta come out here and face the music."

"I'm not ready to face the world yet Jethro…it's…still big," Tony mumbled.

"Not asking ya to face the world Tony," Gibbs said gently. "Only asking ya to face Gladys down at the deli…and only asking ya to do that long enough to tell her what ya want for lunch."

He heard Tony chuckle from inside the stall and shift. He was standing up. Gibbs rose to his feet also. "You're pretty clever ya know that Gibbs?" Tony snarked.

"I think I may have heard that before," Gibbs snarked back.

Tony opened the door and stood face to face with his partner. "I love you," Tony said. "You know that, right?" He leaned in and kissed Jethro softly.

Gibbs smiled and returned the kiss. "I know you do," he said. "I love you too. Let's go eat. I'm starving."

xxx

When Tony got home from lunch with Gibbs the first thing he did was take off the suit he'd worn to NCIS. He took a long shower before putting on jeans and a button down. That was much more comfortable for him these days. He felt…restricted…in the power suits he'd worn for so many years, and he wondered how and why he'd ever done it. After he changed, Tony picked up his phone and he dialed Cheryl's number. After he spoke with her at the end of their session the day before, she'd told Tony to call her and let her know how things went.

She answered on the third ring. "_Cheryl Hodges_," she answered, just the same way that she always did.

"Hey Cheryl it's Tony. Are you busy?"

"_Not at all,"_ Cheryl said. _"I've got about twenty minutes before my next client. How are you? Did you talk to Gibbs last night?"_

"I did," Tony said. "I told him what I was thinking."

"_And how did that go?"_

"He asked me if I was sure I was making the right decision. So I told him all of those same things we talked about in my individual session yesterday. He understood. He wasn't angry. He's a bit concerned that Kate might not be quite ready for that promotion yet, but she's next in line for the job, so she might get a lot of on-the-job training."

"_I'm glad he took the news well and was supportive,"_ Cheryl said. She'd really had no doubts that Gibbs would support Tony, but it was nice to hear she was right. _"When are you planning to tell your Director at NCIS?"_

"This morning," Tony said softly. "Last night I stayed up half the night writing my resignation letter. Gibbs helped me. This morning he and I met with Director Morrow."

"_And how did that go?"_ Cheryl asked.

"He was shocked. I think he agrees with Gibbs…not sure Kate's quite ready for the promotion yet. But she'll get it. I know she will. Gibbs is a really fair boss. He'll make the right choice. And Kate's a good agent. She'll learn the ropes in no time."

"_Is she good enough to watch Gibbs' six so you can focus on your own day-to-day activities?"_

"Yes," Tony said firmly. "I would trust Kate with my life. I have trusted her with my life. More than once. She's a good agent. Used to guard the President with the Secret Service. If she's good enough to guard the president, she's good enough to watch Gibbs' six."

"_That's good to know,"_ Cheryl said. _"Now I have to ask you something. Have you considered what it is you want to do, now that you aren't going to be a federal agent any longer?"_

Tony was quiet for a long moment. "Actually," he said. "I have. I've been thinking about it a lot. I just…haven't mentioned it to anyone yet."

"_Tell me!"_ Cheryl all but squealed.

Tony laughed. He told Cheryl all about his idea, and she praised him for being clever. The two chatted until it was time for Cheryl's client to arrive and then ended the call. Tony took a deep breath. Heeding Cheryl's advice, he headed for the computer.

He had some research to do.

xxx

That evening, Abby pulled her car into the lot where her support group was meeting. She'd been meeting with these people for several months now, and found she really enjoyed the sense of community she found with this group. It was similar to the love and support she felt at NCIS, but different. More personal. In some ways more intimate. There was a level of trust here that wasn't required at NCIS. She smiled when she saw Jordan's car, along with Priscilla's. They were her two closest friends in the group. And tonight she really felt like she needed them. She wanted to talk about Tony's decision to not return to his job—to see if that was something that the others had experienced. She'd been completely blindsided by Tony's news today. She was happy for him, proud of him, all of that, but still sad.

A few minutes later, Priscilla, the group's leader, turned the group—a mixture of men and women—loose to discuss whatever was brought to the table.

Several of the others in the group were having particularly rough weeks. Sometimes anniversary dates would roll around, sometimes the weather would be the same, sometimes the smell of a familiar perfume would be on the air and it would trigger a flashback for some of them. Abby listened compassionately as the others told their stories, waiting patiently until it was her turn.

Finally she got to tell her friends about how Tony (whose name she still hadn't shared with the group) had resigned from his job and was looking to find a new career. She fretted and worried and was able to express those concerns here without fear of backlash. She wanted to help Tony, but she didn't know how. How could she support him when she felt like he was making the wrong decision? He loved his job—he was good at his job! Why would he want to leave it?

"The important thing to remember here Abby," her friend Jordan told her gently once she was finished rambling, "is that it isn't your decision, honey. It's your friend's decision. And right now he's making lots of big decisions. It isn't your job to decide whether he's making those decisions correctly or not. It's your job to be his friend and to support him while he tries to get his life back together."

"But you don't underst…" Abby trailed off and caught herself. "I'm sorry," she breathed. "I didn't mean that. I know you do understand. But I just…I can't help but feel like my friend is making a mistake."

"Then you have to let him make a mistake and you have to help him figure it out—but you have to wait until he's ready to do that. It's not easy. It's maybe the most difficult part for our friends to do. But you can do it. You've supported him this far."

"I know," Abby said quietly. "I just want him to be ok."

xxx

Mary DiNozzo stomped around her cell. Her lawyer told her today that the prosecution had "several witnesses" to testify against her, to tell the court what she'd been allegedly doing with all those little boys—all those children. Who the hell were the witnesses? She'd certainly paid off those children well enough. And the children who couldn't be bought…well their parents seemed to be bribed easily enough. She wondered when her trial would start. All this preliminary stuff seemed to be taking forever, and she found it exceedingly frustrating to be stuck inside this concrete brick room all day every day. Oh wait, scratch that. She was allowed out of her cell one hour per day. That included showers, any trips to the book exchange or mail post on the site, and any time she spent outside.

The feds had located all of her overseas accounts and they'd been frozen. If they'd located the accounts that meant her husband was talking. That dirty sonofabitch! Anthony was ratting her out! It was bad enough that they'd discovered her previous identity, bad enough that she'd been arrested for murder. She thought that was a bit overkill. She'd done a community service by killing her son. And now all sorts of horrible things were coming out about him too. They'd located the body of a deceased agent on an off-road parking site in the middle of the parkway leading to the Federal Prison. They'd also located the body of a young man on the same parkway who was reported missing by his sister. When his identification was run, it had been linked to the car that was found abandoned in the parking lot at Tony's apartment building. Jason Schwartz's fingerprints were all over the car. They'd also found the deceased agent's car—and Jason's fingerprints were all over the steering wheel of it as well. There was no question that Agent Gary Jerome was murdered by Jason Schwartz. There was also no question that the young man, Ryan Leighs, had also been murdered by Jason Schwartz. New information was coming in now, too, that implicated Jason in the murder of his own father.

Mary felt a little heartsick knowing that her former husband had been killed, likely in cold blood if the others were any indication, by his own son. It made her a little sad. And it made her chuckle softly a bit. Karma was funny like that. He'd ended her life—life as she knew it was over the instant those handcuffs were snapped onto her wrists. It was only fitting that the man who ended her life prematurely would have his own life ended prematurely also.

All that she was left with was Tony. She still smiled when she thought of him. She'd love the opportunity—just once more—to play her little games with him. She recalled fondly, the way that he'd always blushed so prettily as she worked her magic on him. She remembered how his little body responded to hers and how much he loved her. Yes, Tony was always her favorite boy. Always the one who loved her best and most. She sighed. She knew that having Tony one more time would only leave her wishing for one more time after that and one more time after that. The truth is, where her Tony was concerned, Mary was insatiable. She literally could not get enough of him.

Surely he must understand that she did what she did—she killed Jason—in order to protect him. She murdered her own son so that Tony might live. Tony owed her his whole life! She was the reason he was still alive! It was one hell of a favor to dish out. She smiled and paced another lap around the eight by ten foot cell. Perhaps one day she would collect on her favor. Maybe one day Tony would have a son.

Wouldn't it be nice for him to come and visit Grandma? Mary smiled. She could hardly wait.

xxx

The phone rang the next morning around nine. Gibbs was already at work. Tony vaguely recalled the brief kiss to the side of his neck as Gibbs told him goodbye. Now he wondered who was calling him. He rolled over and grabbed the phone. He flipped it open, answering it without looking. "'lo?"

"_Tony! Son did I wake you?"_

Tony blinked. "Dad?" he squinted at the clock. "I'm up," he forced himself to sit up. He was still tired. Gonna be one of those days. He ran a hand over his face. "What's up?"

"_I got the divorce papers back this morning,"_ Senior said gleefully. _"She's already signed them. We're ready to file. I'll be unmarried as soon as possible."_

"Dad…I mean…you know you didn't have to do that for me, right?" Tony asked softly. It was too early for this conversation. He quickly unplugged the charger from the phone and stood up. He needed coffee.

"_I want to son,"_ Senior said.

"But…Dad…I mean…don't get me wrong, it's a sweet gesture, but…but don't throw away twenty five years of a GOOD marriage because of something that happened years ago. You don't have to try this hard to have a relationship with me," Tony said gently. "I want the relationship with you."

Senior sputtered in his ear. _"Good marriage? GOOD MARRIAGE?!"_ Tony winced at Senior's tone. It reminded him too much of his childhood. Senior quickly backpedalled, correcting himself and trying to explain. _"Son listen to me. She's lied to me. The day I met her she lied to me and until recently she has only ever lied to me. It's made me question everything I know about her. I am horrified by what she did to you. And…and there's more."_

"More what?" Tony asked.

"_More reasons to end this marriage,"_ Senior said. _"She's been hoarding money away. All this time I was about to go belly up and really couldn't get the math to come out right and tell me why…she's been siphoning money out of our joint account and hiding it in various accounts overseas."_

"Awww geez Dad," Tony said sympathetically.

"_Not only that,"_ Senior continued. _"You know what she did to you."_

"Um yeah dad, hard to forget," Tony snarked.

"_She's done it to others," _Senior said softly.

"Besides just me and Jason?" Tony asked, his tone sobering.

"_Yes_," Senior said.

Tony had made a point to stay far, far away from the investigation into his stepmother's activities.

"How many?" Tony whispered, his hand on the coffee pot.

"_Not counting you, we've got 37 witnesses for the trial against her,"_ Senior said softly.

"Thirty seven?" Tony whispered.

"That's right Tony," Senior said.

"She's done this to that many people?"

"Yes," Senior said softly.

"Dad I…I have to go," Tony said suddenly, feeling a sick feeling wash over him. "I'll…I'll call you back later ok?"

"Are you alright son?" Senior sounded concerned. He frowned when he heard the phone click in his ear, the screen blinking "CALL ENDED" up at him.

xxx

Gibbs was nearly bored to tears working on the cold cases before him. They'd been read over, gone over, checked over in the past, several times, both by his and other teams. There were no leads on any of them. No new speculations. Nothing to help solve any of them. His phone rang and he prayed to God it was a case. He glanced at it and then stood up suddenly.

"Going for coffee," he said, hurrying towards the elevator.

He pulled his phone off the clip on his belt and flipped it open. "Yeah, Gibbs," he answered.

"Agent Gibbs it's Tony DiNozzo Senior," Senior said into his ear.

"Hello Mr. DiNozzo," Gibbs said. "What can I do for you?"

"I was wondering if you are near Anthony, if you could check on him for me."

Gibbs froze. "I'm at NCIS," he said softly. "Tony's at home. Why? What's wrong?"

"I was on the phone with him and we were talking about the upcoming trial and all of a sudden he had to go. Sounded muffled, in a bit of a hurry, I just wondered—"

Gibbs veered towards the parking lot. Coffee could wait. "I'll go check on him," he said. "Did you upset him?" It was hard to keep the accusation out of his tone.

"If I did…I didn't mean to. We were discussing Mary and…"

"Call ya back," Gibbs said, peeling out of the parking lot. He snapped the phone shut and threw it down in the seat beside him. He stared grimly through the windshield, wondering what he'd find at home. "Hang on Tony," he said softly to himself. "Hang on baby I'm coming."

xxx

Tony spent several long moments in the bathroom vomiting up bile and when he was finished he leaned against his forearm, braced across the toilet bowl. God, what a mess. He considered calling Gibbs, but decided that he shouldn't. He couldn't call the other man every time something went bump or he felt frightened. He was admittedly doing much better these days, but sometimes it was still difficult to be on his own. Finally he picked himself up off the floor and washed his face. He leaned against the counter and tried to clear his mind. He didn't want to think about his stepmother anymore, about the children she'd hurt, the families she'd destroyed…he wondered if he'd told someone at some point along the way if it would have made a difference. Could he have stopped this? Thirty seven witnesses…and that wasn't counting him or Jason. She'd hurt both of them too.

He heard the front door slam. "Tony?" Gibbs' voice. What was he doing here?

"Yeah?" he called back, his voice rough from throwing up.

Jethro appeared in the doorway. "Are you alright?" He asked urgently, putting his hands on Tony's shoulders and shaking him slightly. "Are you ok?"

"I'm ok! I'm ok! Geez what's going on?" Tony asked, confused.

"Your father called me…as freaked out as I've ever heard him. Told me how he was worried about you because you got off the phone so suddenly. Wanted me to come check on you."

Tony smiled. "You could have just called me," he said softly, but he felt warm knowing that Gibbs cared enough to drop everything and run home, and that his father cared enough to call Gibbs and ask him for help.

Gibbs let out a long breath. "Yeah," he said quietly. "Yeah I guess I could have…" he chuckled.

Tony headed for the kitchen and Gibbs followed him. Tony pulled down a travel mug and filled it with coffee. "Made this earlier…haven't drank it yet. I'll let you have it. Knowing you, you probably left to 'go for coffee' and then came here instead." Gibbs looked sheepishly at his feet and Tony smiled. "I like it that you come and check on me you know," he said softly.

Gibbs looked at him for a long moment and didn't know what to say. "Don't want you to feel like I don't think you can handle it," he finally said uneasily. "But when your dad called…and he was freaking out…" Gibbs shrugged. "I just had to know you were ok."

Tony took a step forward and put his hands on Jethro's hips. "Thank you," he said sincerely, looking his lover right in the eye. "Thank you for checking on me, and for wanting to know I was ok, and for loving me. I love you. I love you so much."

Gibbs smiled and kissed him. "I love you too Tony. I guess I should go back to work."

Tony smiled. "I'll make you something amazing for dinner," he promised.

"You always do," Jethro said. He picked up his coffee cup and kissed Tony on the cheek. "Love you Babe. See you soon."

Tony followed Jethro to the door and watched as he pulled away with a squeal of tires. Then he closed the door, and headed back into the house.

xxx

Several nights later, Abby returned to the support group. She'd had a few days to think about what the group's members had told her during the last meeting. They'd made some good points—it wasn't up to her to decide what Tony should do. Tony was the one who was recovering; Tony was the one who needed to regain control of his life. Was she helping if she questioned everything he did and said? Was it beneficial for her to question decisions he was making—especially when he was so uncomfortable doing so? She decided the group members were right and kicked herself again for overstepping her bounds and potentially damaging her friendship with Tony. She wondered if she'd ever learn.

She entered the group's meeting room and took a seat near her friends. Jordan and Priscilla greeted her with warm hugs, and the others greeted her with smiles and waves. A few more people trickled in, and after a short bit, Priscilla, who was the group leader, called their session to order. They each went around and introduced themselves, and stated why they were at the meeting. They went around the circle and before Abby got to speak, the door opened and, much to her surprise, Kate and Palmer slowly entered the room, followed by McGee. "Sorry we're late," they apologized. "May we join you still?"

"Absolutely!" Priscilla welcomed them back to the group and got them up to speed. Abby scooted over so they could sit with her. Palmer, McGee and Kate shared a small smile and joined Abby. The group finished introducing themselves to each other, and just before Priscilla opened up the floor for discussion, the door opened again, and this time two men slipped inside.

"My goodness!" Priscilla said. "We're just bursting today! And we have two newcomers! How exciting! Please! Come inside! Join us! What are your names?"

"Gibbs," came a very familiar gruff tone and Abby whipped around.

"My name's Tony," Tony said softly. "We're uh…we're friends with Abby, Kate, Tim and Jimmy."

Abby stood up and motioned for her two best guys to join them. She felt tears filling her eyes and glanced over her shoulder at Priscilla. "These are two of my best, best friends," Abby said, wiping the tears from her face. "I am just…I mean it's great that…what are you doing here?! I didn't know you were coming!"

Tony took a seat near Abby and the others, and Gibbs sat beside him. Their shoulders touched in the closely arranged chairs and Tony seemed to draw strength from the simple, constant contact. "My therapist has been suggesting for a while that I join a support group," he said softly. "And I didn't want to do it…because to do that you have to…admit…things," he said. He glanced at Gibbs, who smiled reassuringly and then snuck a peek over at his friends—his family—and smiled. "But then I heard about this group from Kate and Palmer…they told me how nice you all are and how supportive. I know they've been here a couple of times and that Abby's been coming for a while…" he shrugged. "So it seemed like a good idea to try it out," Tony said.

"Well Tony, Gibbs we are glad to have you join us. Can you…can you tell us some of your story? Would you feel comfortable doing that?"

Tony took a deep breath and looked at Gibbs. Gibbs reached out and took his hand, nodding slightly. Tony squeezed Gibbs' hand tightly. "This is confidential, right? No one can tell anyone anything that's said here, right?"

"The only time we can tell is if we hear you talk about wanting to hurt yourself or someone else. Then we can tell someone for your safety. Otherwise I don't see any reason why we could tell. Won't happen. You have our promise," Priscilla said.

Tony was quiet for a long moment. "I um…I guess I should start at the beginning," he said finally. "I am a federal agent for NCIS. Well. I was. Until a few days ago. Anyway, last Christmas, I was working undercover. While I was under, I got separated from my team. And on the last night I was with our suspect we were staying in this cabin…"

TBC…


	46. Destination Unknown

**Author's Note: **To those of you who were wondering, this story is coming to its close. After this chapter there will be an epilogue. Thanks to everyone who has joined my friend and me on this ride. You guys are amazing.

_Special thanks to my wonderful friend for all your help with this story._

**Warning: ****Major character death****.** I really tried to avoid it. Really tried to make it not happen, but…I have to do what the characters tell me. Get your tissues ready. Lots of surprises in this one.

**No Chains Holding Me  
><strong>**Chapter 46: Destination Unknown****  
><strong>

_Several Months Later:_

Gibbs was already in the kitchen when Tony came down the stairs. The older man smiled over his shoulder from where he was working at the counter when the younger man entered the room. "Morning," he said.

"Hey," Tony said breathlessly. He was running late. "Sorry," he said, hurrying towards the counter. "I couldn't…couldn't decide what I should wear," he said sheepishly.

Gibbs held out a travel coffee cup, a piece of toast, and a brown bag. "Here ya go," he said. "Thought I'd help ya out some. It being your big day and all that. And I know…I know that the past few months have been really tough." His voice cracked slightly.

Tony took the proffered items with a smile. "Thanks," he said, his cheeks coloring slightly and his eyes glassing over. He leaned in and kissed Gibbs who kissed him back. "Thank you for everything," he whispered. "I love you."

"I love you too!" Gibbs was determined that this would be a happy day for him and for Tony. Tony hurried towards the door and Gibbs slapped him on the ass. "Knock 'em dead! Call me when you're finished!"

A moment later, Gibbs heard the car start. He took a moment and took a shaky breath. His eyes burned with emotion for only a moment before he blinked it back and pulled out his phone. He needed to make a call.

xxx

"Fornell."

"Hello Tobias," Gibbs said. "Got a question for ya."

"You're wanting to know how the trial is going," Gibbs' friend said in a knowing tone.

"Is that so bad?" Gibbs asked.

"Not at all. Trial's progressing. We're up to the nineteenth child on the stand. I tell ya. Some of the stories about what that sick bitch did to those kids…well it'll be interesting to hear how long she makes it in prison," Fornell said. "She's a real piece of work, that's for sure."

"You can say that again," Gibbs agreed. "Tony's father's divorce settlement finished up last week," he told his friend. "Senior received a healthy sum of money from all of those offshore accounts she had. Tony's civil suit should be resolved soon. We're hoping to get him a sum of money too."

"That's good," Fornell said. "That's real good. He needs a break. God knows he's been through enough."

"Yeah he needs a break. He's doing really good though Tobias. You oughta see him. Despite everything that's happened…He's starting a new life for himself. I'm so proud of him."

"They're going to present his deposition in court tomorrow," Fornell said. "Do you think you and he will want to be there?"

"I don't think so," Gibbs said. "I wanted to be there; you can take that to the bank. I'd already arranged to be off work. But Tony has decided to not go. He doesn't want to see her. Doesn't want to have to see the looks of pity on people's faces. He's doing great and doesn't want to do anything to risk the progress that he's made. And I'm not ready to leave him to go to Long Island overnight."

"Understandable," Fornell said.

xxx

Tony pulled into the parking lot and stopped. He glanced around and took a deep breath. He wondered again if he was making the right decision. He'd done his research, spent hours taking the necessary tests, spent hours talking his plan out to Cheryl, to Gibbs, and to his friends…save one.

Kate.

Tony's breath still caught in his throat every time he thought about her. It made him sick to his stomach. It made him want to cry, to rip out his heart, throw it on the ground and then stomp on it.

Kate. His best friend.

Kate was dead.

She'd died unexpectedly. They'd been working a case and their suspect had given them a false trail. Gibbs had sent McGee and Kate to a warehouse following one of their leads while he and Agent Ned Dornegat—the team's new probie—followed a different lead. The team found out too late that the warehouse was an ambush. She'd been shot multiple times before she and McGee could take any cover. McGee had been shot too, and while his injuries were serious, he was recovering nicely. He'd be back on full duty, cleared for the field again soon.

But Kate's death, coupled with the events from the months prior with Jeffrey White and with Ari Haswari, had led Gibbs to do some serious thinking. He'd spent hours of his own in therapy with Cheryl working through his feelings of guilt and blame and self-punishment for his role in Kate's death. Tony was very worried about his partner for weeks. Gibbs didn't want to eat. He didn't sleep. He worked on the boat (and several pieces had to be replaced because he sanded them a little too much some nights). Gibbs' path of healing led him to retire from NCIS. He'd put in his twenty years and he was tired. He didn't want to see anymore of his friends and loved ones be killed or injured on his watch.

Tony gathered his things and slowly started getting out of the car. He wondered what Kate would think of their decisions. With that final thought in his head, Tony shoved Kate from his mind. Now was not the time to dwell on her and on what had happened. Today he was starting something new. Today he was taking a big step.

He smiled up at the sign reading "George Washington University Welcomes All New Students" and felt his chest swell with pride. He was doing something with his life. He was taking the bull by the horns. He was not letting those who had kicked him down win. The words to a familiar old tune resonated deep in his soul. _There's no chains holding me. _ He was a free man, free of his burdens, free of the people who always wanted to hurt him. And he was staking his claim on his life.

He thought Kate would be proud of him.

xxx

Gibbs smiled at the class sitting before him. His class. If anyone had ever told Gibbs that he'd grow up to be a Woodworking Instructor at Rappahannock Community College's DC Satelite Campus, he'd have told them they were crazy. As an adjunct professor, teaching his second quarter of classes, Gibbs was only teaching three days a week. He liked where he was teaching because the school was part of the Marine Technical Program. He taught a basic woodworking class, giving the basics on the woodworking hand tools, the basics in safety, construction, and he would be planning several small projects for his classes each semester.

His students enjoyed his courses because he planned so much hands on work for them. He didn't spend a lot of time talking, said only what was necessary information. He led by example, gave out praise when it was earned. He didn't suffer fools, and had no tolerance for bullshit of any variety. He was fair in his grading and when he offered criticism he didn't give it without guidance. His students loved him. His classes were always full. No one had dropped his courses last semester—Gibbs, being true to his Marine Corps background, never left a man or a student behind. He helped them when they needed it, sometimes working late with them to show them what they needed to do to make the grade. He was the most popular new teacher on campus.

He wondered how Tony's first day was going. He knew the younger man was nervous—he always was nervous when he started something new. He'd thrown up the night before and thought Gibbs didn't notice it. Gibbs always noticed. He glanced at his notes and took a deep breath. He shoved thoughts of Tony out of his mind and picked up the planer.

"First question," he addressed the class. "Who can tell me what this tool is?"

xxx

Tony pulled into the driveway and sighed. He had so much homework. When had schools started giving homework on the first day of class? He had a ton of reading assignments tonight. He'd hoped to settle in and come off the day and watch a movie with Gibbs while he planned lessons or something. He snatched up his backpack and headed into the house.

The smell of steak stopped him in the doorway. "Goddammit," Tony muttered.

"What's wrong?" Gibbs turned and glanced over his shoulder. He was kneeling in front of the fireplace.

"I told you I'd stop and buy beer on the way home and I forgot it," Tony admitted. "I'll go back out and ge—"

"Hey," Gibbs pushed himself to his feet and stepped over to him. He gently took the backpack off of Tony's shoulder and set it on the floor. "We'll go together to get the beer after dinner. No big deal," he ran his hands lightly up and down the outside of Tony's arms. "How was your day?"

"My day was…big," Tony said, letting out a long puff of air. "The classes are great—I'm going to learn a lot and I think I have really good professors." Tony smiled then. "My favorite professor is the one I live with though," he said sweetly and Gibbs smiled in return.

"Can I kiss you?" Gibbs asked softly. He could tell Tony was tense and tired from his day. He didn't want to overstep and assume that just because he was Gibbs he could always touch. That was not always the case. Some days Tony still didn't like to be touched by anybody. Gibbs, thankfully, was learning to read the signs. "I missed you all day. Couldn't wait for you to get home." Tony nodded and Gibbs kissed him.

They ate a quiet dinner and Tony told Gibbs all about his classes. He was entering into a graduate program at George Washington University. Tony was planning to get his Masters degree in Social Work. He'd spoken with Cheryl, first his therapist and now one of his professors as well as his advisor at the school. He could couple his Social Work degree with his Bachelor's degree in Criminal Justice. Kate and Gibbs were the only ones who knew about the second Bachelor's degree that Tony had. Tony only ever spoke of his degree in Physical Education, but once he'd started at NCIS he'd gone back to school and had completed his degree in Criminal Justice, minoring in Criminal Forensics. His law enforcement career behind him now; Tony wanted to find a job working as a Crisis Counselor. He wanted to do private counseling, similar to what Cheryl had done with Tony and Gibbs, and he also wanted to begin a support group for men who were victims of rape and sexual abuse. He was determined not to let what Jeffrey had done to him, what Marla had done to him, what his stepmother had done to him rule his life. He was going to overcome it. He was going to bring something positive out of all the negativity that had followed him all of his life. He would do it. He'd always wanted a good life, a simple life; one where he could help people, live with someone who loved him, and love someone in return. That's all he ever wanted. He was excited to be making all of those dreams come true.

After dinner, Tony asked Gibbs if he wanted to go get the beer. It was mid-August and hot as ten blazes of hell outside. Tony didn't drink any alcohol these days. He still couldn't stand the taste of it. But he knew Gibbs liked his beer, and he knew that Gibbs liked his bourbon. So Tony made sure that Gibbs stayed well stocked in both, and on the nights when Gibbs chose to drink he was careful not to kiss Tony on the mouth where he could taste it. As a result, Gibbs' drinking habits had decreased substantially. Gibbs suggested that instead of going for beer that he would drink alone, that they should go to the ice cream parlor down the street. It was a nice evening, the sun was shining and the sky was blue, save for several graying clouds in the sky. They decided that since it wasn't too far to the ice cream shop, only a couple of blocks, they would walk.

They walked together, hand in hand, talking quietly and waving at their neighbors as they passed by. Ms. Simpson was in her flower garden, bent at the waist, and Tony and Gibbs couldn't help but chuckle softly at her large rear end sticking up in the air for everyone to see. "She looks like one of those horrible garden placards," Tony whispered, clinging to Gibbs' arm and leaning in to speak into his ear quietly. The smile was audible in Tony's voice. "You know—the ones with the polka dotted shorts covering the huge rump that peop—"

"I get it I get it," Gibbs hissed back, but there was a smile on his face. Suddenly the old woman stood up and both men smiled and waved at her. On down the block, Mr. Jones was sitting on his front porch. He always sat on his front porch. He didn't move. Gibbs wondered about him, if he lived alone, if he was injured or disabled. The old man never spoke and Gibbs wasn't sure he ever really saw anyone clearly, but they always waved when they walked past and he always waved in return.

Past the ice cream shop was the playground and today it was buzzing with children and parents. Gibbs and Tony liked to go there and sit at the picnic tables while they ate their sweet treats, but Gibbs found that he couldn't go there without thinking of Tony sitting on the slide last winter, in the flurrying snow, in only a sweater to keep him warm. Gosh, was that really just last winter that all that had happened? Had it really only been a few months ago that Kate…Kate died? Tony still had the plant that Kate brought to him on that first visit after he was attacked. If Gibbs thought Tony took good care of it before, he was amazed at how the young man obsessed over the little bamboo plant now. He'd also called up a florist in Ohio, close to where Kate was buried, and he had set it up to have a new bamboo plant brought to Kate's grave every month and charged to his account.

The bell over the door dinged and a blast of cold air was a welcome shock to the two men as they entered the ice cream shop. Once they'd ordered and paid, they thanked the kid behind the counter and took their ice creams out to their favorite bench. They sat together, shoulders touching, Gibbs enjoying his vanilla ice cream in a cup and Tony happily slurping away on his rocky road cone. At one point, Tony looked over at Gibbs and smiled, "Hey Jet look at what I can do," he said with a cheeky smile. When Gibbs glanced over at him, Tony opened his mouth wide and accepted nearly the whole ice cream cone into his mouth.

Gibbs' eyes widened and his eyebrows raised slightly until Tony suddenly thought about what he was doing and caught himself. He yanked the ice cream out of his mouth and coughed uncomfortably. Gibbs set his bowl down and reached out. He plucked the sticky cone from Tony's hand and whacked his partner on the back a couple of times. "You ok?" he asked, eyeing the man carefully.

"Yeah," Tony croaked. He coughed again. "Yeah I'm ok…sorry I…it just…for a minute it seemed like a good idea and then…then it made me think," Tony shivered.

"At least you didn't throw up," Gibbs said mildly, handing Tony his ice cream back and winking at him. "That would have made it much less sexy," he chuckled.

"Yeah," Tony grumbled. He licked his cone sulkily and frowned. "Did you hear that?" he asked looking around.

"Hear what?" Gibbs asked. Thunder rumbled then, quite loudly, and lightning flashed around them. "Oh shit," he murmured. He and Tony got up from their bench and quickly threw away the remains of their ice cream. "It's gonna rain," Gibbs said. "C'mon let's move!"

Despite the fact that neither man was a federal agent, Tony and Gibbs still worked out together and stayed in great shape. Nevertheless, they still had to out run the late summer storm that had snuck right up on them. About halfway home—right in front of Ms. Simpson's house actually—the downpour started. Gibbs stopped running when he realized that Tony had stopped a ways back.

"DINOZZO!" He yelled, "What the HELL are you doing!"

"I'm enjoying the rain Gibbs," Tony replied. "How long's it been since you just…relaxed and felt the rain?" He took a deep breath.

Gibbs grabbed him by the hand. "We gotta get you out of those psychology classes if you're gonna get all 'talk about your feelings' with me. We're getting soaked!" Together they started jogging towards the house.

"Siiiiiiiiiingin' in the raaain," Tony bellowed suddenly, all the while still running, "Just siiiiiiiiiingin' in the raaaain!" The head slap nearly knocked him off his feet and he stumbled on the wet pavement. Gibbs grabbed his arm to keep him upright. Once they reached the front yard, Tony stopped and grabbed Gibbs' arms. "There's something I've always wanted," he said, yelling over the sound of the storm. The wind was picking up and it was really quite hazardous to be out.

"Can't we talk about it inside?" Gibbs yelled back over the wind.

"NO!" Tony said. "No we just need to do it!"

"Do WHAT?!" Gibbs growled. He was not a fan of getting rained on.

"This," Tony said and he cupped Gibbs' face in his hands and kissed him passionately. It only took Gibbs a second to catch on and then he was cupping Tony's face in his own hands—both of them trying to lead the kiss. The thunder suddenly crackled overhead and Tony pulled away, staring at the sky, rain dripping into his eyes and running down his face.

"I have something to ask you!" Tony yelled.

"Can't we do it inside?" Gibbs yelled back again, feeling as though they'd just had this conversation.

"No!" Tony responded with a smile. He'd been planning to do this later, but it seemed the time had arisen now. He couldn't think of a more perfect moment than this right here. He slowly got down on one knee. "I know we sort of kind of got married on New Years," he yelled over the wind and rain.

Gibbs nodded but didn't speak. His eyes were focused steadily on Tony, watching his every move.

Tony took Gibbs' hands. "I love you so much Jethro," he said. "And I love living with you and being your partner, and I love that we support each other so much."

"Tony…"

"And I want us to get married for real. Because I love you so much I want it to be legal—I want to shout it from the rooftops, I want to put it on a piece of paper and frame that bitch so everyone can see it." Tony smiled. He flinched when the thunder cracked over their heads. "And I want to know. Leroy Jethro Gibbs. Will you do me the honor of being my husband?" he smiled up at his partner, the man he loved more than life itself.

Gibbs pulled Tony up to his feet and kissed him. "On one condition," Gibbs said and a smile crossed his features. "Can we PLEASE go inside?"

"Yes," Tony said softly and kissed Gibbs again.

Gibbs kissed him back and then leaned in and put his lips very close to Tony's ear. "I can't wait to marry you," he said softly.

xxx

A few weeks later, Tony tugged nervously at his tie and glanced in the mirror at Jethro. The older man was standing behind him, straightening his own tie, a solemn look on his face. Tony felt the butterflies in his stomach flutter once again. How was he going to get through today?

They were staying in a hotel room in Long Island. That's where Mary's trial was being held. And today was the last day of closing arguments—the day the jury would be released to the jury room for deliberation. Tony hadn't attended any of the trial so far. They'd talked about driving up for the day when his deposition would be entered into the court hearings, but Tony hadn't been able to go through with it. The trip was too difficult for him—he wasn't ready to see all of the looks of pity that he'd get when people started figuring out who he was. It didn't sit well with him, but he wanted to see the jury, wanted to see the looks on their faces when they returned to the courtroom after making their decision. He wanted to see how they looked at her, how they looked at him, and wanted to watch as they carted her off to prison. She'd be returning to prison either way because of the murder charges. During her sentencing hearing for that, the judge had given her twelve years for the manslaughter charges. Mary's attorneys had been able to prove that she was acting in self defense, that it wasn't planned, and that she was doing what she thought was best in that moment.

She'd gone from Murder-One charges down to Manslaughter right before their very eyes.

So at the very least, she'd be going away for about eleven more years. But that wasn't enough to satisfy Tony. Wasn't enough to satisfy the 39 children whose lives she'd turned upside down. Wasn't enough to keep her away from him for the rest of her life.

Tony wanted to see her go down and he wanted to watch the judge dig the hole he was going to throw her in.

But in order to do that, he had to suck it up and go to New York. Gibbs took the time off work, and he took the time away from school, and together they drove north to Long Island. The media was buzzing about the trial there because it was such big news. How often is it that one of the wealthy socialite women gets arrested for such horrible crimes? They'd rented a hotel room for two days, and had made arrangements to stay gone an entire week. They could make other arrangements later if necessary.

Tony hadn't slept any the night before. He'd tossed and turned and when he had fallen to sleep he'd been plagued by nightmares of what his stepmother, Jeffrey, and Marla had done to him. It seemed this trial brought all of the unpleasantness back up. Gibbs wished like hell he could fix it, but knew that only time would heal the wounds inflicted on his partner, and the only thing he could do was be supportive. He'd hovered close all night, being a constant beacon of support and love in the midst of Tony's chaos.

He finally got his tie straight and took a deep breath. A huge wave of nausea washed over him and Tony nearly knocked Jethro over getting to the bathroom. He dropped to his knees and heaved violently into the toilet bowl. Tony felt Gibbs' presence beside him and the older man carefully moved Tony's tie out of the way so that he wouldn't soil it before the trial this morning. Tony heaved and heaved, until tears of stress and pain trickled from his eyes. Finally, after a long time, he sank back onto his heels, spent. Jethro wet a washcloth and carefully wiped his face and helped him clean up.

"Wanna brush your teeth?" Gibbs asked him quietly.

"Yeah," Tony said. "Just…need ta catch my breath," he said softly. "It sucks," he continued, pushing himself to his feet. "I was really hoping I'd be past that."

"Been almost three months since you threw up," Gibbs praised gently. "Haven't since the night before you started school."

"You knew about that?" Tony asked sheepishly. Gibbs fixed him with a steady glare in the mirror. Tony put toothpaste on his toothbrush and sighed. "Of course you knew about that," he grumbled.

xxx

An hour later, after visiting the complimentary breakfast buffet, Gibbs and Tony headed to the car. Gibbs slid behind the wheel and glanced over at Tony. Tony sat still, staring out the window, not fixing his seat belt.

"Tony?" he asked softly. "You ok? Do you still want to go?"

Tony sniffled hard and nodded, but didn't look at Gibbs. He took several deep breaths before he finally turned and looked at him. "Yeah," he said, his voice a broken mess. He was fighting back tears, but Gibbs wasn't sure what the root of them was. Some days Tony just felt overwhelmed…and this day definitely had good reason to make him feel that way. "Yeah I want to go," he whispered.

Gibbs reached out and took Tony's hand. "You know I'll be right with you," he reassured the younger man. "And we're meeting up with your dad. You don't have to do this by yourself. You don't have to do it at all, and the minute you want out you just tell me ok?"

Tony looked up at him and he offered a watery smile. "Thanks," he whispered and squeezed Gibbs' hand. "Just don't let go, ok?"

Gibbs smiled at the familiar request from his partner. "I promise Tony," he said. He put the car in gear, and together they made their way to the courthouse.

xxx

It took about an hour to get to the courthouse from where they were staying. Gibbs was surprised that Tony seemed to doze off in the car on the way there. Good. God knew the man needed some rest. In all honesty, Gibbs was a bit concerned about Tony. He was really pushing himself with his new degree. Gibbs didn't think that was a bad thing, and Tony was approaching school as his "job" for now, but part of Gibbs—the part that wanted to always protect his partner from everything—wondered if Tony wasn't pushing himself too much too soon. He stayed up late and got up early. He went to the gym, often before the sun was up and he'd work out for a couple of hours before coming home to shower before class. Then he'd come home and he and Gibbs would work together to make dinner, then Tony would work on his homework for several hours in the basement with Gibbs before joining him and together they'd work on the boat.

The boat was their very own special project. They wanted to go sailing, and Gibbs knew that Tony enjoyed learning how to make the boat. He was looking forward to learning Gibbs' secret to getting it out of the basement (and Gibbs knew Tony wouldn't believe it when he saw it). Gibbs would eventually teach Tony how to sail the boat they created together. He knew he was a hopeless romantic, but he couldn't help himself.

Just as they were pulling into the courthouse, Tony's cell phone rang. Without even looking at it—hell, without even opening his eyes, Tony reached into his suit jacket pocket and pulled out the phone and handed it to Gibbs. Gibbs smirked at the way Tony instantly resettled. He glanced at the phone and frowned. Conrad Morgenson was calling. That was Tony's lawyer. Once Tony had resigned from NCIS, JAG had been unable to help Tony. Tony had been nervous and unsure what to do then, but Senior had stepped up and gotten Tony representation with a lawyer in the firm that he was using. Gibbs flipped the phone open.

"This is Jethro Gibbs," he answered. Beside him, Tony didn't move, but Gibbs knew he was listening.

"_Mr. Gibbs I need to speak with Mr. DiNozzo, please."_

"He's not available at the moment," Gibbs said, pulling into a parking spot in the parking deck with a squeak of the tires. "I can take a message? We're just pulling in at the courthouse."

"_Excellent. I caught you in time. Listen. There is a huge media frenzy today. The hounds are looking for new fresh blood to spatter on their tabloids,"_ Morgenson said, and Gibbs winced at the metaphor. That wouldn't have helped Tony any this morning—probably would have only made him think of his apartment.

Once the crime scene was cleared in Tony's apartment, the young man had refused to return there. Gibbs sent Tim, Kate, Palmer and Abby (he was still in Stillwater with Tony at that point) to collect Tony's belongings from the apartment. It was mostly knick-knacks and books and movies by that point. They'd brought his things to Gibbs' house where they'd integrated Tony's things into Gibbs' house. Tony hadn't set foot in his apartment in months. The lease was supposed to run out at the end of this month. Gibbs knew that Tony's home was with him. He'd never go back to that apartment. There were too many ghosts there.

"What do ya want us to do? They'll be all over Tony if they recognize him," Gibbs said.

"_That's what I was thinking,"_ Morgenson said. Gibbs imagined the paunchy man nodding his bearded head. _"So how can we get Tony inside without him being attacked by the media?"_

Gibbs thought for just a moment. "Let me make a call," he said. "I'll call you back with the details." He snapped the phone shut in the lawyer's ear and pulled out his own phone. He quickly dialed a familiar number.

"_This is Fornell,"_ Tobias answered.

"I need your help," Gibbs said. Tony was still dozing in the seat next to him.

"_Well hello to you too,"_ Fornell snarked. _"What can I do for ya?"_

"I need to get Tony into the courthouse without the media seeing him. Has the judge kept all of the media out of the courtroom?"

"_Yeah he has. He's kept them out of the entire building. Hang on a tick lemme find someone to…Hey! Stevens! I need you front and center!"_ he called.

Gibbs heard murmurs on the other end of the phone and then Fornell turned his attention back to Gibbs. _"Jethro? You there?"_

"I'm here," Gibbs said.

"_There's a side entrance, usually reserved for the perps. My agents are going to meet you there and you and Tony can leave your car in the bay there and sneak in the side door. Leaves you an easy get away if you need it too,"_ Fornell said.

"Thanks Tobias," he said with a smile. Tony glanced up at him and Gibbs nodded. He backed out of the space and pulled around to the side entrance where he and Tony were granted admittance to the special bay where the media hounds could not find them.

xxx

"There's my boy," Senior said proudly, as he approached Tony and Gibbs getting off the elevator. He shook hands warmly with Gibbs and pulled Tony in for a hug. He was a bit surprised when Tony clung a little tighter, felt a little more vulnerable today than he'd gotten used to. Could it be his son was beginning to trust him? Concerned by this new, clingier Tony, Senior glanced at Gibbs who shook his head. Now wasn't the time to discuss it.

"Hi Dad," Tony said softly, burying his face in his dad's shoulder. He'd longed for this all his life. He still couldn't believe it was real.

Another man joined them. Gibbs recognized him as Tony's lawyer. "Mr. Morgenson," he greeted, holding out his hand. "Sorry I forgot to call you back. Looks like you found us anyway."

"That I did. Now. The judge has the media barricaded outside. They have to stay behind their lines and they may not enter the courthouse for any reason. So you should be safe inside here."

"And we came in a different entrance than people would expect," Gibbs said. "Shall we find a seat?"

Senior glanced at his watch. "It's nearly time to start," he agreed. "Where would you like to sit?"

"As close to the door as possible," Tony said softly. "That way…if I need…I can…" he shrugged. "I don't know how this is going to go," he told his companions.

"It's going to be fine," Senior promised. He patted Tony's shoulder. "Between Gibbs, the federal agents, and myself? You're safe today Tony. She can't hurt you. She won't ever hurt you again."

Tony nodded and straightened. He pulled himself to his full height and forced a look of confidence to his face. Gone was the vulnerable man from before. Before them all stood a very competent man, a very strong man.

Gibbs smiled. Tony had always been the best undercover agent he'd ever seen. And if he was sure of one thing, it was that the courtroom would get a good show today.

xxx

The prosecutor droned on and on. Tony felt like he could be sick at any moment, but there was really no good way for him to escape. He'd been trying to be brave and keep up appearances, but his mask was crumbling quickly. Senior sat beside him on the inside, and Gibbs sat next to him on the aisle. He'd draw attention to himself if he tried to get out. He'd draw attention to himself if he stayed here and threw up too…

"And finally, good jurors," the prosecutor continued. "I ask you to keep in mind several facts as you go into your deliberations. Keep in your minds 39 facts. Jason. Tony. Marcus. Steven. Justin. Tyler. Brian. Alan. Scott. Hank. Thomas. Kevin. Allen. Juan. Dominique. Joseph. Brandon. Michael. Mark. Sean. Don. Andy. Phillip. Corey. River. Daniel. Walter. William. Van. Charlie. Robert. Paul. Matthew. Isaiah. Douglas. Richard. Travis. Nash. Nickolas. Remember those 39 children. Those 39 innocents whose lives were ruined by what the defendant, Mary DiNozzo, did to them. Remember those boys, and give them justice. Remember those boys and give them peace. Remember Mary DiNozzo and give her what she deserves. Those children—those 39 boys—forfeited their childhoods for her. As a result many of them are traumatized now. Both as children and adults they are still affected by Mary DiNozzo's actions. I know that you cannot give justice to all of the young men, since for some, the time for justice has run out. But they can get closure from you." The prosecutor looked pleadingly at his jury. "Remember. Those. Boys. And remember to give them justice and peace. Remember to give them a new life. One without fear, without burdens, without trauma. Give them happiness. Give them closure. Give them justice." The prosecutor turned and walked back to his table. "The Prosecution rests, Your Honor," he stated.

Tony swallowed hard, trying to shove the lump in his throat down. He let out a soft gasp of air and both Gibbs and Senior looked at him with concern. "I'm ok," he whispered. "I'm ok." He felt like he might pass out. Gibbs noticed and rested a hand lightly on the back of Tony's neck. Tony wondered what he was doing for a split second before Gibbs pushed his head gently down between his knees.

He leaned down so his lips were near Tony's ear. "Keep breathing," he whispered softly. "We'll get a break when the defense rests."

The defense attorney, Mary's brilliant lawyer, took the podium and began speaking. "Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury," he spoke and Tony shivered at his tone. Mary's lawyer was the definition of slimy. He wore a very expensive suit, his black hair was slicked back and glued into place, and nauseating charm radiated off of him in waves.

"Easy," Gibbs breathed into Tony's ear. "Just relax. Focus on my hand on your neck. Try and relax."

"What we have before us here today, is a tragedy. It's the story of a woman who, more than anything, wanted children in her life to care for. A woman whose own child was ripped away from her by a harrowing, character destroying divorce, leaving her maternal instincts floundering in the breeze. I don't need to rehash the case for you. You're all competent, intelligent people. You all have heard the facts. And the facts are that Mary DiNozzo is a good woman. An asset to the community. An asset to our society as a whole. A woman who gives more than she takes, whose heart is in the right place. She is a woman who, only hours after reuniting with the son she'd lost so many years earlier, took her own son's life—the life of a dangerous man—and did it out of care and love for the community, out of desire to keep the people around her safe. Does she sound like the monster that the prosecution has led you to believe?" The defense attorney smiled at them with thin lips. "Do the right thing," he urged them and his smile widened. "Give this woman her life back." He stepped back to the table. "The defense rests, Your Honor."

Tony was trembling under Gibbs' hand and Gibbs slid his hand off of Tony's neck and began rubbing his back soothingly up and down. He thought it might help to relax Tony, but was surprised when Tony flinched away. "Stop," Tony whispered. "Please. Please stop."

Gibbs pulled his hand away and glanced over Tony's back at Senior. Tony's father looked concerned; he obviously wanted to help, but he didn't know what to do. Gibbs grimly shook his head. There was nothing he COULD do. Tony didn't want to be touched. That would make getting out of the courtroom difficult unless they sat there until everyone had left. The problem with that is everyone in the room, save the attorneys, the jury, and Mary, would have to walk right by them to get out—meaning every person in the room would lay eyes on Tony, greatly raising the chance that they'd recognize him.

But Gibbs wasn't sure the guards in the room would let them out yet. This judge, in particular, didn't like his courtroom to be interrupted.

Gibbs leaned forward and put his elbows on his knees. "Just keep breathing Sweetheart," he whispered. "We're gonna be out of here in just a minute. We'll go to the bathroom and let you catch your breath alright?" He saw Tony nod imperceptibly. "We'll go straight there and I've got your six ok? Your dad too. We'll be right with you."

"Don't wanna do this anymore," Tony whispered. "Don't wanna be here…don't wanna see…how…how could he defend her?"

The judge gave the jury its charge then, and sent them on their way. The judge looked up at the people in the courtroom then. "This court is in recess until the jury has reached its verdict." He banged the gavel.

The instant the gavel banged, Gibbs was on his feet like a shot, one hand hooked under Tony's arm and the other pushing the door open. They'd settled on the back row in the courtroom where they hoped to not be noticed. Gibbs all but dragged Tony out with him and one of the guards stopped him. "Is he man alright?" he asked, indicating Tony's pale and shaking form.

"He's fine, just upset," Gibbs replied politely without stopping.

Senior was all but running to keep up with them and he followed them into the bathroom and locked the door behind them. Gibbs eased Tony down on to the floor and loosened his tie. "Ok Tony?" he asked. Senior hovered by the doorway. He didn't know what the hell to do for Tony when he got like this. Gibbs seemed to though, so he thought it best to stay out of the way and let the other man handle it.

"'m ok," Tony mumbled.

His chin dropped to his chest suddenly and Gibbs cupped his face and patted his cheek. "Ohhhhhh no you're not passing out on me," Gibbs said gently. "Stay with me c'mon. It's just a panic attack. Just gotta keep breathing. C'mon Tony breathe with me." He picked up Tony's hand and put it on his chest. "Breathe with me Tony," he murmured. "Don't wanna go to the hospital today. Not over this. Not because of her. Just gotta breathe that's all…" Gibbs smiled when he felt Tony's breath begin to soften slightly from the harsh gasps that it had been.

It seemed like an eternity before Tony's eyes—glazed before—suddenly took on more expression and light came back to them. Gibbs pulled Tony into a gentle, protective embrace. He glanced at Senior and nodded. Senior flipped the lock and stepped away from the door. A couple of people entered and their faces immediately filled with concern for the young man nearly sprawled on the floor.

"Is he alright?" one of them asked.

Tony stared at them dumbly and did not respond. Gibbs smiled politely. "Low blood sugar," he said. He smiled at Tony. "Isn't that right? We need to get you something to eat, something to drink, and some fresh air. Can you walk?"

Tony blinked heavily and shrugged. "Th…Thinkso," he mumbled, sloshing all the words together.

Gibbs slowly helped Tony to his feet, taking their time so he didn't pass out for real. Once Tony was on his feet he looked at his father. "Dad? You ok?" he asked.

Senior stared at them silently for a few moments, an unreadable look on his face, before he nodded slightly. Tony and Gibbs walked over to him. "Let's go get some lunch," Gibbs said. He kept an arm securely around Tony and began leading them out the door. "Get some air, relax a bit. The jury will be in for a while—definitely long enough for us to get lunch. C'mon."

Once they made it down to the bay where Gibbs had left his car, Senior looked at Gibbs. "I need to ask you a question Gibbs," he said seriously. "I'm very confused."

"What's that?" Gibbs asked. He was kind of distracted trying to make sure Tony didn't face plant on his way to the car. The young man was still leaning heavily against Gibbs and his eyes were closed. He'd shut the world out and was trusting Gibbs to keep him safe.

"Which one is true?" Senior asked bluntly. "Because you gave two different answers in there. Mary lied to me for years, Gibbs, and she hurt Tony. I'll not have either of us hurt or lied to anymore."

"I beg your pardon?" Gibbs responded.

"Which one is true? Was he having a panic attack? Or is his blood sugar low? Are you just trying to convince him that he's sick? What are you trying to gain from all of this?"

"He's having a panic attack," Gibbs said. "I was trying to shield him from the prying eyes of the people inside the courthouse. He's ok now. It's passing." He turned his attention to Tony. "Aren't ya Tony? Feeling any better?"

Tony opened his eyes stared at them for a long moment before nodding. "Yeah," he said. "Takes a while to come down off of one. Feel like hell and my head hurts," he said softly, raising a hand to his temple.

Senior stared in horror at Tony, who was still terribly pale, and at Gibbs who was helping him into the car. The older man was so gentle with his son…he couldn't believe he'd doubted him. "Gibbs…I…I need to apologize…my behavior just then was…was unacceptable. I just…the stress of all of this…I…"

Gibbs smiled. "On the contrary I was impressed by it."

"You were?" Senior sputtered.

Gibbs nodded. "Sure was."

"May I ask why?"

Gibbs smiled, and this time showed his teeth. He shut Tony's car door and walked around the car to Tony's father. He put a hand on his shoulder. "Because that's the first time you've acted like his father to me. You've acted like a father to Tony. Haven't acted like Tony's father to me though. You should have your son's best interests in mind and question my motives. It's impressive. I do want you to know though, that I only ever have Tony's best interests in mind. I would never intentionally hurt him in any way."

"I see that," Senior said. He stuck his hand out. "I thought it best to confront the situation head on—grab the bull by the horns as it were—rather than to let it breed and have me worry about it."

"Agreed," Gibbs said. The two men shook hands, a silent agreement being formed to keep the man they both loved safe, no matter the cost.

xxx

Senior knew of a keen little restaurant down the road from the courthouse that he thought would be good for them to have lunch in. They ate a delightful meal, simple but elegant, and Senior insisted on buying. The old man was pleased to note that Tony's color seemed to improve more the longer he was out of the courtroom. While they were waiting for the waitress to return with Senior's credit card, Senior looked at Tony.

"Are you feeling better?" he asked gently. "You look a bit better, though I still don't like your coloring."

Tony blinked. He'd been very quiet throughout lunch, and Gibbs was impressed that he'd managed to eat anything at all, but he'd cleaned up most of his lunch. "I'm ok," he said softly. "Have a headache."

Senior glanced at Gibbs. "Can you take something for it?" he asked Tony.

Tony nodded. "Didn't bring anything with me."

"We'll stop and get you something," Senior said. Gibbs nodded.

Gibbs' cell phone rang suddenly. He frowned and flipped it open. "Yeah, Gibbs," he answered. His eyes widened. "We're on our way," he said. He snapped the phone shut. "We've gotta go," he said. "The jury is back."

"Already?" Tony asked. "It's barely been two hours!"

"I know," Gibbs said. "But that was Morgenson and he was calling to tell us they're back. We've gotta get moving if we want to hear that verdict."

xxx

Gibbs, Tony and Senior slid into the courtroom just in time. The back row seats were taken. The only spots available were up, near the front, right behind the defense table. Tony sighed. "Damn," he whispered.

Gibbs reached out and put a hand on his lower back. "We'll be fine," he promised. "C'mon. It's the moment we've been waiting for."

The three men slid into their seats just as the Bailiff called for everyone to rise. The judge entered, banged his gavel, and everyone sat down. The judge told the Bailiff to fetch the jury. A moment later the group of twelve men and women entered the room and took their seats. The judge looked at the jury.

"Madame Foreman, has the jury reached a verdict?"

"We have Your Honor," The tall dark haired woman replied.

The judge nodded. "Would the defendant please rise?"

Mary and her lawyer stood up. Gibbs reached over and grabbed Tony's hand. The younger man squeezed it tightly.

The Judge took the form from the Bailiff and read over it. He nodded and handed it back to the Bailiff who passed it back to the Jury Foreman. "What does the Jury say?" he asked.

Tony glanced at his father and at Gibbs. Both of them nodded silently at him, and Senior reached over and took Tony's other hand. Tony felt emotion clog in his chest and he smiled, but it looked a bit more like a grimace. He glanced quickly around the courtroom that was filled with people. He wondered how many of them were victims of Mary's like he was. How many of them were waiting with the same baited breath that he was?

"In the case against Mary Peterson DiNozzo, on the charges of 23 counts of Sexual Abuse Against A Minor," the foreman read.

Tony squeezed Gibbs and Senior's hands a little tighter, his breath catching in his throat.

"We find the defendant, Mary Peterson DiNozzo, guilty of all charges."

A murmur went through the courtroom and Tony blinked in surprise, suddenly able to breathe again. "Oh God," he breathed.

"Has the jury decided upon sentencing at this time?" the Judge asked.

"We have Your Honor," the Jury Foreman replied.

"What say you?" the Judge asked.

"The Jury recommends the maximum penalty for sexual abuse, 68 months, to be served consecutively for each of the 23 counts. Sentencing should take place once Mrs. DiNozzo's current incarceration comes to an end."

A cheer went up through the courtroom, and the judge banged his gavel. "ORDER!" He yelled, banging harder. "ORDER IN MY COURT!" When everyone quieted down, the Judge nodded at the Jury. "Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, thank you on behalf of this court for your service in this matter." He looked at Mary who looked pale and sick. "Mary Peterson DiNozzo, I uphold the Jury's sentencing. 23 charges with 23 sentences, each 68 months in length. In addition to the Jury's requests, I will also add that you will not be eligible for parole. The only place for people like you in our society is behind bars." The judge banged his gavel again. "This court is adjourned!"

Mary stood still for a moment and Tony, Gibbs, and Senior remained where they were. Tony hadn't let go of his companions' hands. He couldn't believe it was over…and the sentencing…that was more than he'd ever dreamed would happen.

"Why only 23?" Senior asked softly. He, like Gibbs and Tony, hadn't attended much of the trial.

Gibbs looked at him. "Those were the only kids left who hadn't exceeded the statute of limitations on the charges," he said. "She can only be charged for these crimes within a certain time frame."

Suddenly Mary turned around. Her eyes quickly scanned the crowd before settling on Tony, who was sitting two rows behind her. "Tony?" she breathed. She saw Gibbs and Senior there, but didn't acknowledge them. She only had eyes for Tony. "Oh Tony my love!" she exclaimed. "You came! You're here! I knew you would support me!" she said softly.

"I'm not here to support you," Tony said softly, and Gibbs and Senior were both impressed by how steely and confident Tony suddenly sounded. His eyes flashed with anger. "I came to make sure you were going to be out of my life forever!"

"Tony Darling I know you're just confused! Those people…they got to you…poisoned you against me…It's alright Darling…I understand. I'm not angry at you. I forgive you—"

"Get her out of here!" The judge suddenly yelled at the guards, even as Gibbs was inserting himself between her and Tony and blocking her view.

The guards grabbed Mary and dragged her away, and Gibbs turned around. Senior had his arm around Tony who'd buried his face in his father's neck again and was whispering softly to him. "Just keep breathing Son. It's alright. She can't hurt you again. She's gone now. It's over. She's gone. She's gone." Senior glanced up at Gibbs. Gibbs nodded and didn't intervene. He stood sentry over the two DiNozzos, letting them grieve together, letting them cling to one another. He'd keep them safe while they recovered together. He'd watch over them and not let anything hurt them.

After a time, Tony lifted his head and stared up at Jethro. He didn't move from his father's embrace, but he reached out his hand and Jethro took it, squeezing it gently. Finally the courtroom cleared and Gibbs pulled Tony to his feet, along with Senior. "Alright," he said softly. "It's over. It's time to go home."

Together they left the courtroom.

xxx

Three days later, Gibbs and Tony loaded their things up in Gibbs' car. They'd stayed in Long Island for several days after the trial ended. Senior had shown them a good time, taking them to see some of the local sights, they'd eaten at nice restaurants, but Tony noticed they weren't quite as…upper class as what he'd had growing up. Senior was different than he'd been when he was a kid. He was patient and willing to listen, kind to Tony and to Gibbs, and accepting of their relationship.

Now as they bid Senior goodbye, with promises to see him again soon, Tony and Gibbs climbed into the car and Gibbs cranked the engine.

"We going straight home?" Tony asked.

"Unless you don't want to?" Gibbs replied.

"Just was thinking…" he said softly.

"What were you thinking?" Gibbs asked, pulling out into the street.

Tony stared out the window. "You know this was the last of it. The last of the stuff in my past and in my life that I needed to work through and really make peace with. The rest of it…even the bad stuff…it's just details, ya know?"

"Yeah," Gibbs said.

Tony smiled at him. "I think we should celebrate," he said.

"Oh yea? What are we celebrating?" Gibbs asked, returning Tony's smile.

"Life?" Tony answered.

Gibbs reached over and squeezed Tony's hand. "Sounds good to me," he said.

They headed off down the road, their whole day ahead of them. They'd figure out their path as they went. They weren't seeking a destination. They'd already found that. They were together, and that was all that mattered.

TBC in Epilogue…


	47. Epilogue: Certainty

**Author's Note:** I'd like to take a moment to thank everyone for joining me on this wild ride. It's been a great learning experience for me, and I hope that somewhere out there someone will draw some strength from Tony's story. Tony is a survivor—as all rape survivors are. Not all of their stories look the same. It isn't always perfect, and it's not always following the original plan, but there are happy endings to be found in every survivor's story—even if they can't always see it or know that it's there. I hope you all enjoyed this fic, and we'll see you on the next go round. Enjoy!

**Warning: ** Get your tissues. Though, I do think the tears should all be happy ones in this. Also, there's a scene for the grown-ups at the end. Younger eyes need not partake. :)

_Special thanks as always to my wonderful friend. This story would not have been possible without your bravery, help, honesty, and guidance. You are truly an inspiration to me, and to every rape survivor out there. Love you sooooo much!_

**No Chains Holding Me  
><strong>**Epilogue: Certainty****  
><strong>

_About One Year Later:_

"Mist—uh—si—uh…erm…Gibbs? Sir? Are you still here?" There was a soft knock on the woodshop door at the community college.

Gibbs was sitting at his desk, back around the corner from the door, grading the last final exam of the semester. "Yeah? Who is it? C'mon in!"

"I…I was asked to deliver this for you…Mis—uh, Gibbs, uh Mr. Gibbs, sir," the kid replied. He held out a phone message.

"Just Gibbs is fine," Gibbs replied. He held out his hand for the yellow slip of paper and fought the urge to roll his eyes when the kid took his hand and shook it, introducing himself.

"My name is Kevin," the kid said with a smile.

Gibbs raised his eyebrows and nodded. "Can I have my phone message now, Kevin?" he asked. He loved these college kids—they were so much fun.

"Oh right, oh I bet you um…weren't…oh I'm so sorry…" the kid stuttered.

"Hey. Take it easy," Gibbs said. "You know, you remind me of a guy I used to work with," he said. He leaned back in his seat and put his feet up on the desk.

"I…I do?" the kid asked. "Um. Is that a good thing?"

"It's a very good thing. His name is Jimmy and he's a dear friend of my family's. I used to work with him."

"Back when you were a cop?" The kid blurted. Gibbs was fast becoming legendary around the school. Everyone wanted to know everything about him.

"I was a federal agent, Kevin," Gibbs said, "Not a cop. There's a difference."

"Oh. Right. Sorry," the kid apologized. Then he winced. "You don't like apologies do you?"

Gibbs smiled. Smiles were coming easier and easier for him now. "Only if they're necessary," Gibbs said. "And that one wasn't. Seriously kid. You need to relax."

"I um…I just am…always…nervous when I meet…new people…and I always blurt out stuff and then nearly piss myself when I…" the kid blushed and dropped his gaze. "When I say dumb things," he finished sourly.

"Well you have met me now so you don't have to worry about that anymore. Aren't you signed up to take my Shop I class next term?" Gibbs had been given tentative student lists for the Fall the previous day.

"Yes," Kevin whispered.

"Well then, Kevin. You oughta be nice and relaxed when you get to my class. See you and I are going to be friends. I don't bite." Gibbs offered his friendliest smile. These young kids were funny—some of them were so naïve, some of them were cocky and sure of themselves, and some of them were such little balls of nerves it's a wonder they didn't die of heart attacks before school started.

"Yessir, thank you sir, I understand sir," Kevin said quickly. "And uh…you might wanna answer that phone message. It seemed like it was important. I mean they wanted me to walk it down to you and all."

"I will. Thank you Kevin. And do me a favor?"

"Of course Mr. Gibbs. Anything?"

"Two things. Don't call me Mister and don't call me Sir. I work for a living," he smiled at Kevin. "Have a good summer."

Kevin nodded and nearly fell over the table saw trying to get out of the room. Gibbs shook his head and smiled, wondering if the kid would survive his class. He hoped so. He didn't want to clean up blood anymore. Wasn't in his job description.

He glanced at the clock and then at the phone message and smiled.

The message was from Tony and held only five words. The five words had Gibbs smiling even brighter. He was finished with his grading and needed only to turn in his paperwork on his way out. He picked up his bag. When he left, he made sure to pick up the phone message to bring with him.

Five little words from Tony.

_Come home. I miss you._

xxx

Tony was scurrying around the house, collecting the things they would need and throwing them into various bags set up around the house. Gibbs slipped into the house undetected and stood near the front door, watching his soon-to-be-legal-husband racing around trying to get everything done at the last minute.

"Good God," Tony was muttering to himself, "How did the time go? How did it fly by so quickly? How is it time already? I'm out of time! I have so much to do—so much to d—JETHRO! When did you get here? I NEED YOUR HELP MAN! There is so much to do! Why are you just standing here?"

Jethro smiled. He smiled and then he burst into laughter.

Tony stomped up to him. He face beheld a mixture of exasperation, excitement, exhaustion, and happiness. "Why are you just standing here?" he asked again.

Jethro pulled him into a hug and kissed him. "Because I love to watch you. I love you so much. You're so amazing. And I am so crazy in love with you. I just can't help but stare."

Tony kissed him back. "You're so stupid," he said affectionately. "We seriously need to hurry though—we have to be at Dad's by six. It's noon now and it's a four hour drive—we're not ready!"

Gibbs put his hands on Tony's hips. "Do you love me?"

"Yes you know I do," Tony said. "Wha—"

"And do I love you?"

"Yes," Tony said.

"So if you love me and I love you then what are you worried about?"

"What am I worried about? WHAT AM I WORRIED ABOUT? I am worried about the caterers, I'm worried about the florists, I'm worried about the preacher and the musicians, I'm worried about the guests and the—"

Gibbs kissed him again and shut him up. "Let your father worry about them," he said, his lips pressed against Tony's still. "I'll worry about you. And you? Sit back and relax babe. It's your weekend. It's your day. Just relax!"

xxx

Several hours later, Gibbs pulled up at Senior's house in Long Island. He smiled when he saw Abby's car, knowing that McGee would be with her. Palmer's SUV was also there, and Gibbs knew that he would have brought Ducky, Mrs. Mallard, and Breena with him. Everyone was there. Gibbs glanced over at Tony who was staring out the window.

"What are you thinking?" Gibbs asked softly.

Tony looked at him. "I am thinking about how much fun the next few days are going to be," Tony said softly. He smiled. "It's going to be the best weekend ever. Everything is perfect." He leaned over and kissed Jethro sweetly. "I love you so much. Thank you for doing this with me," he whispered.

Gibbs leaned in and kissed Tony again. He cupped his face and smiled. "Where else would I be?"

They got out of the car and Senior burst through the front door. "You're here! You're here! I was beginning to think you'd eloped!" The old man smiled and opened his arms.

Tony rushed into his father's embrace, laughing at his father's words. "Hi Dad!" he exclaimed. He stepped back and Senior shook hands with Gibbs and then pulled him into a hug. "So Dad, where are we with everything? Is there anything I need to do?" Tony clapped his hands together once then rubbed his palms together.

"You each have your own rooms tonight," Senior said. "And the only thing you need to do is relax until it's time for the rehearsal."

"Are you sure?" Tony and Gibbs were both surprised by this. They'd expected to help.

"We've got everything well in hand," Senior said.

"We?" Gibbs asked.

"Yes Leroy," a familiar voice said from the doorway. "WE." Gibbs rushed up to his dad. "You told me you were going to be out of town!"

"I am out of town!" Jack said laughing. "Anthony and I have been planning this for some time now."

"Sneaky bastards," Gibbs grumbled good naturedly.

"You learned from the best," Jackson said, clapping him hard on the back.

xxx

Dinner was a hugely exciting affair with the entire wedding party present. Gibbs and Tony had decided to serve steak and potatoes for their rehearsal dinner. Senior had the caterers bring out several bottles then, making sure to pop the corks at the table where everyone could see them opened. Senior noticed Tony watched the drinks intently, a faintly ill look on his face. He stepped around the table to his son with two glasses and presented them to Gibbs and Tony. "Grape juice," he said softly. "The party is alcohol free this weekend." Tony looked up at his dad and smiled gratefully. "Only the best for my boy," Senior said, patting him on the shoulder.

Senior raised his glass. "I'd like to make a toast," he said once all of the glasses had been passed around. He smiled at Tony and Jethro. "I am honored and proud to be a part of this celebration with all of you wonderful people. You've had many happy moments up until now, and I wish you many happy moments in the future. Bless you both. Thank you for sharing your special day with me."

Everyone clinked their glasses and drank happily.

Senior sat down and Jackson stood up. "I'd like to make a toast as well," he said and everyone raised their glasses again. "Leroy and Tony," he said. "My boys. I've watched the two of you grow over the past several years. You're so good together. You know how to make each other smile; you know how to support each other when life gets hard. And my advice for you, my wish for you, is to keep that. Stay in love with each other. Stay as crazy about each other as you are now. I wish you all the best."

Everyone cheered and glasses clinked and more sips of drink were taken.

Tony looked over at Gibbs and smiled. He'd never been happier in his life. Everything was perfect.

xxx

Everything was not perfect.

Tony rolled over in bed for the millionth time and punched his pillow. He was wide awake. He'd taken extra care to not eat or drink anything that would keep him awake, but still sleep eluded him. He knew he needed to sleep. He needed to rest and sleep so he could be focused tomorrow and have the energy he needed to enjoy his day.

He rolled over on his back and stared up at the ceiling. He knew the reason he wasn't sleeping. Tonight was the first night since he'd gone undercover a year and a half earlier that he'd slept alone. He hadn't slept without Jethro nearby since he'd been raped. And without Jethro nearby the shadows seemed just a little darker and the noises sounded just a bit more threatening.

"Stop it," he grumbled at himself. "You're just being stupid. Just go to sleep."

Still he stared, wide awake, at the ceiling. Maybe, if he was lucky he'd get some sleep before the sun came up. He sighed. But he wasn't counting on it.

xxx

In the room next door, Gibbs was having a similar problem.

Like Tony, he'd been careful to avoid eating or drinking anything that would keep him awake. But he couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. It wasn't the wedding—everything was ready for that. Everyone had arrived and they were all safe. He couldn't put his finger on what it was. But his gut was tingling.

He rolled over and looked out the window. The last few times he and Tony had stayed here, they'd occupied this room together. It was lonely without the younger man in here.

Suddenly it struck him. He knew what the problem was. He knew why his gut was churning.

And only one thing would fix it.

Gibbs quickly rolled out of bed and headed for the door.

xxx

Tony was out of bed and pacing the floor, his fingers intertwined around the back of his head. He wasn't sleepy. He couldn't get his brain to turn off. He'd debated going out for a walk, but he still didn't like to be out late by himself. It wasn't that he didn't feel safe, but it brought up a lot of memories about things he didn't want to have to think of.

As he paced, he glanced at the clock. Nearly 1:30 in the morning.

"Dammit," he swore softly.

Tony whipped around when there was a knock on the door. "Who is it? Who's there?" he asked nervously. Everyone in the house should be sleeping.

The door opened and Gibbs poked his head in. "Tony?" his gut was right, dammit. "Why aren't you sleeping honey?"

Tony turned away and wrapped his arms around himself. "I'm fine Jethro," Tony said tiredly. "I am just um…excited, about tomorrow."

"Excited, eh?" Gibbs said.

"Yeah," Tony said. "Why are you awake? You should be sleeping too?"

Gibbs nodded and stepped further into the room. "I couldn't sleep," he said, closing the door behind himself.

"I think our dads want us sleeping in different rooms," Tony said.

"Well neither one of us is sleeping, so I don't see any reason why we should be apart, do you?"

Tony shrugged.

Gibbs took a step closer. "Tony…babe…what's wrong?"

"I just…" Tony wandered away from Gibbs a bit. "I'm a little…a lot…nervous…about, well, everything," he said softly.

"Tell ya what," Gibbs said. "Why don't we go downstairs and make some coffee and we'll talk. We'll figure it all out ok?"

Tony hesitated for a moment, but then nodded. "Ok," he whispered. He followed Jethro out of the bedroom, and he wondered if there would still be a wedding by the next morning.

Downstairs in the kitchen, Gibbs turned on the light. They both squinted in the sudden light and Tony sank onto a stool at the kitchen's bar. He put his face in his hands and let out a heavy sigh. Gibbs started a pot of coffee and then moved over to sit beside Tony while the coffee brewed.

"Are you having second thoughts?" Gibbs asked softly.

"NO!" Tony said quickly. "Yes…no…Gibbs…I don't know," he breathed. "But I do know this. I know I love you. That hasn't changed. It's just…y'know…getting married…it's kind of a big deal…"

"Yeah Tony," Gibbs said gently. "I've been married four times. I know. I also know that the first time I got married was the scariest."

"Was it really?" Tony asked.

Gibbs nodded. "Absolutely," he said. "You know what else?"

"What's that?" Tony asked.

Gibbs smiled at him. "I'm nervous too," he said quietly.

"You…why? You're like…and old pro at this. Sorry that sounded bad!" Tony quickly backpedalled.

"I'm nervous about it just like I was the first time I got married. I want this to be perfect. I want our lives to be perfect."

"It'll be perfect if we're together," Tony said softly.

"I agree," Gibbs said.

"I don't want to change my name," Tony blurted all of a sudden. "I just…I mean…"

Gibbs smiled and got up, heading for the coffee pot. He got out two mugs and poured them full. "I get it," he said softly. "We don't have to change your name. It's ok. Lots of people opt to not change their names."

"I know but…I just…I don't know why it's a big deal to me," Tony whispered. "I never thought about it before."

"I think it's because you have that sense of family now and you didn't before," Jethro said softly. "I mean you had it with the team…you had it with us, but you didn't have it with your parents. But you do now. You and your dad are close…I can see why you'd want to hang onto that legacy. I'm not interested in changing my name either."

Tony smiled. "Leroy Jethro DiNozzo just doesn't have the same ring to it," he said.

"And I'll love you no matter what your name is. You can change your name to Mud Puddle and I'll love you just as much."

The two men sat up drinking coffee and talking for most of the night. Gibbs smiled sadly when Tony laid his head on his crossed arms on the bar at one point and dozed off. He poured their coffees in the sink and left the cups for the morning. He then guided a very sleepy Tony up to the room his things were in and helped him in to bed. He was just about to turn and wander off through the house again, when Tony's arm wrapped around his wrist.

"Stay?" Tony asked sleepily.

Gibbs smiled and climbed in to bed beside Tony. They rolled to their sides and spooned up close together. "Don't have to ask me twice," Gibbs said. He kissed the side of Tony's neck, but the younger man was already asleep. "Goodnight Tony," he whispered, shortly before sleep swept him away as well.

xxx

"JUNIOR!" Senior's voice bellowed through the house. "JUNIOR WHERE ARE YOU?"

Gibbs groaned and opened his eyes. He could hear Tony's father yelling throughout the house, but he was warm and comfortable, and Tony was actually sleeping, so he didn't wake him. Senior would understand. A moment later the bedroom door was flung open and Gibbs was glad they'd kept all of their clothes on last night.

"Good God what are you two still doing in bed! The wedding starts in three hours! There is a ton of stuff to do! WAKE UP JUNIOR!" Senior fussed.

Gibbs glanced at the clock. Nearly 11am. Oops. They really hadn't intended to sleep that late. "Good morning to you too," Gibbs said around a yawn. He shook Tony's shoulder. "Wake up babe," he said. "It's nearly eleven. We overslept. Time to get up."

Tony sat straight up. "Oh God!" he exclaimed. "C'mon Jethro we've got lots to do!" He hit the ground running and was out the door in a split second. Senior followed him.

Gibbs looked after him and smiled, shaking his head. Sometimes Tony reminded him so much of Shannon…he got out of bed and made it quickly. "Gonna grab a shower," he said to no one.

After he got out of the shower, he put on shorts and sandals with a t-shirt to go help get everything ready. He was surprised to meet his father on the stairs. "You need to stay out of the back garden," he said. "You can't see Tony before the ceremony."

"Why not Dad?" Gibbs tried to brush past him, but was stopped.

"It's bad luck. That's why we put you in separate bedrooms last night."

"Yeah and we ended up sitting up half the night in the kitchen drinking coffee and trying to work out some last minute stuff before we both practically fell asleep at the bar. We stumbled upstairs to Tony's room and collapsed down together and fell asleep. If we're gonna jinx the wedding we've already done it." Senior walked up to the bottom of the steps. "And besides," Gibbs continued, "Tony and I have been sleeping in the same bed together every night for almost two years now. We aren't some scared kids. We're going to see each other. We're going to be together. It's our day. OURS. Please understand that."

The two fathers nodded, understanding what Jethro was saying. "Now if you'll excuse me," Gibbs said. "I need to go find out what it is my husband is wanting me to do." He brushed past both of them and walked out the nearby door. He didn't realize Tony was standing just outside the door, and had overheard every word that Gibbs had said.

He pounced Gibbs with a tight embrace and kissed him softly. "I love it when you get all growly with the parental units," he said playfully.

"Yea yea yea," Gibbs grumbled good-naturedly. He eyed Tony carefully. "How ya doing today?" he asked quietly.

"I'm doing amazing," Tony said, and he practically glowed with happiness. "This might be the best day ever. Really might."

Gibbs smiled and kissed him. "I think so too," he said.

xxx

The wedding that Gibbs and Tony planned was unlike any wedding Anthony DiNozzo Senior had seen before. He was used to lavish weddings with huge bridal parties and lots of flowers and a band. The wedding that Jethro and Tony had planned had a small bridal party—the entire wedding, guests included was smaller than some of the wedding parties that Senior had seen. They'd set up picnic tables out back under a tent, overlooking the water. The caterers were preparing light finger foods to keep the party going without filling everyone up. There was no alcohol on the premises at all. The florists had arrived with beautiful bouquets of simply arranged flowers to adorn the tables and the area where the arch had been set up.

The arch was in the backyard, near the food tent, overlooking the water. Senior's house was up off the beach a bit so the view was incredible.

The guest list was small. Tony had insisted that he didn't want to spend the entire day shaking hands and greeting people. He wanted to get on with the party and get on with their lives together. He didn't want a lot of posturing. Gibbs agreed. Together they'd decided that only their closest friends would be in attendance. Jackson and Senior. Ducky and Mrs. Mallard. Abby and McGee. Palmer and Breena. Cheryl and Fornell. Priscilla and Jordan from the support group were there. And Kate. Kate would be represented in the wedding by the bamboo plant that she'd gifted to Tony so many months earlier.

Their wedding celebration was unconventional. They were planning a southern style barbecue for their reception. Pulled pork, baked beans, cole slaw, and hush puppies. Abby had made their wedding cake and was keeping its design a secret from the two men who trusted her to pick something that suited them. Senior had begged the two men to wear tuxedos at least, but Tony and Jethro both refused. Gibbs was wearing a crystal blue colored button down shirt, with khaki pants, and Tony was wearing a white button down shirt with khaki pants. Because they were so close to the beach, they were opting to party without shoes on—much to Senior's horror. The old man wandered about clucking over this and that, shaking his head at the choices that had been made, and slapping his forehead in surprise, until Jackson finally pulled him off to one side.

"Need to talk to ya Anthony," Jackson said gently.

"What is it?" Senior asked. "There's much to do."

"Actually there isn't," Jack said. "Everything was planned to be simple. The boys don't want a lot of fuss today—they want everyone to relax and have a good time. They were very intentional with how they planned this whole event—from the ceremony, down to the napkins. They picked the things they wanted, the things that would make their day as easy as possible, and as much as I know you want to help make this day memorable and exciting—we need to respect their wishes. They don't want a big and flashy wedding. That's not either of their styles. They prefer things to be quiet and reserved. Sure they're going to have fun with it—and they're going to pick things that might leave both of us scratching our heads—but we have to remember that it's THEIR day. They are the ones getting married, not us. And they've allowed us to be part of that. We just need to get swept up in it and celebrate it with them instead of questioning all of their choices. Jethro and Tony are both pretty meticulous planners. I'm sure they've thought of everything."

Senior thought for a moment about the words his friend was speaking to him. "You're right," he finally relented. "I need to calm down. You're right. I just…" he shrugged. "I want Tony's day to be perfect. He's had so much…so much hurt. I just want this to be his perfect day."

Jack slapped him on the shoulder. "It will be," he promised. "Just wait and see."

xxx

About an hour and a half before the wedding, Ducky sent Gibbs and Tony upstairs with their fathers to get ready. Jackson smiled as he ironed Jethro's shirt and watched through the mirror as Jethro carefully shaved and trimmed up his hair. He brushed his teeth and pulled on his pants, fastening his belt. Jackson held out the shirt for him.

"Is this it?" he asked.

"Is this what?" Jethro asked in response.

"Is this the last time we're doing this?" Jack asked quietly.

Jethro looked at him for a long moment. "Last time," he said. "I can't imagine my life without Tony. The only one who's come close to him is…"

"Shannon," Jackson said and Jethro nodded.

"You know she's still here," Jackson said gently.

Jethro nodded. "I know," he said softly.

"And you know? I think she'd be damn proud of you," Jack said proudly.

Jethro's cheeks colored slightly and his eyes glazed with tears. "Thanks Dad," he said, choking up a bit.

Jackson pulled him into a tight hug and Jethro breathed out shakily, not even caring that three tiny tears slid down his cheeks. "You've got a good one this time Leroy," Jackson said, pointing a finger at Jethro's face. "If you hurt him I'll kick your ass."

"Won't have to," Jethro said softly. "If I ever hurt him I'll be kicking my own ass."

xxx

Tony smiled softly as his father helped him roll up his sleeves to his elbows. "The white shirt really compliments your tan Anthony," his father said. "You've always tanned so nicely. You're lucky. Your mother used to always burn so easily."

Tony blinked. Senior rarely, if ever, mentioned Tony's real mother. "Really?" he asked.

Senior smoothed Tony's collar. "Yes," he said. "Was always sad…she was always so excited to go down to the beach…and she'd always come back terribly burned."

"Dad…what was she like?" Tony asked. "I mean…I guess what I'm trying to say…Am I like her? At all?"

Senior smiled and cupped his boy's face in his hands. "You have her eyes," he said. "And her smile. You look quite a lot like her. And your personality…my goodness, yes you remind me tremendously of her."

"Is that hard for you?" Tony asked, holding onto his father's wrists gently. "I mean, does it make you sad? When you look at me?"

Senior kissed Tony on the forehead. "The only thing that makes me sad is that she didn't get to see you grow up. She'd be so proud of you. She was crazy for you."

"How…how old was she when she died?"

"She was thirty-three Tony. Your age."

Tony tried to imagine his father much younger, and his mother being only his age and them having a small child together. He tried to imagine what it must be like to die so young. It made him think of Kate. "I wish they could be here," he murmured.

"Who?" Senior asked.

"Mother…Kate," he said. "You'd have loved Kate, Dad."

"I'm sure I would have. She sounds like a nice girl."

"She's the best. I mean I love Abby too, don't get me wrong, but Kate…Kate was special. Next to Gibbs, I think she's the best friend I ever had. And Palmer."

"They're here," Senior said and he pulled Tony into a hug. After a moment Tony backed up and nodded. Senior patted Tony right on his heart. "They're right here with you. And they're with you every minute."

"Thanks Dad," Tony said, a few tears trickling down his cheeks. "Hey Dad?"

"Yes Son?"

"I'm…I'm glad you're here today," he said. "Thank you for letting us use your house to get married in."

"What's mine is yours," Senior promised. "All I ask is that you love each other."

"We do," Tony whispered. "We really do."

xxx

The sky was blue and the sun was shining and the afternoon could not be more perfect. There was a nice breeze blowing and the music of guitars and mandolins drifted on the air. The preacher stood in the middle of the arch. First down the aisle came Ducky and Jimmy. They were dressed identically to Gibbs and Tony, Ducky wearing a crystal blue shirt with khakis, Palmer in a white button down and khakis. They took their places on either side of the arch, Ducky on Gibbs' side and Jimmy on Tony's. As the music continued playing, Fornell started down the aisle. Like Ducky, he was also dressed like Gibbs. Abby smiled and tears filled her eyes when she saw what the FBI agent was carrying. A small bamboo plant, in a funky patterned pot and a white ribbon, was held carefully in his large hands. He walked down to the pedestal placed carefully beside Jimmy and he set the pot on it before taking his place beside Ducky.

Abby couldn't stop smiling as she held up her camera and took the picture. She knew that McGee was behind her, videotaping the entire thing. She glanced down at the wedding program and smiled. Instead of having "groomsmen" listed, the wedding party was listed as "The Besties" and were divided under Tony and Gibbs' names. She smiled at how creative they'd been planning the entire thing. Next Jethro headed down the aisle, escorted by his father. A moment later, Tony was escorted by Senior down the aisle. The four men stood in a row in front of the preacher.

"Dearly beloved," the preacher said. "We are gathered here today to celebrate the union of two souls. Leroy Jethro Gibbs and Anthony DiNozzo Junior." He smiled down at them. "Who gives these men away?"

Jethro and Tony looked at each other and smiled as their father's each replied, "We do."

"Join their hands please," the preacher instructed.

Jackson and Senior carefully locked Jethro and Tony's hands together, and smiled. Jackson patted his son on the shoulder, and Senior blessed Tony with a kiss on his forehead. Jethro and Tony looked at each other and smiled. This, today, was truly their finest moment. Today they would become one.

The service progressed on, until it was time for the vows. It had been decided the night before that Gibbs would go first in saying their vows. He and Tony had done a lot of research, a lot of talking, and a lot of thinking, and finally decided to write their own vows. They'd done it in private, while the other wasn't around, so that each would be surprised by their partner's words when the time came.

Ducky handed Gibbs the ring he was to place on Tony's finger. He took a deep breath. In all the times he'd gotten married, he'd never had to write his own vows before, had only ever repeated what the preacher told him to say. Now he held Tony's hand and slid the ring onto it and smiled, their gazes locked.

"A ring is a circle," he began softly. "It's meant to be a symbol of eternity because it has no start and no end. My feelings for you, Tony, are a circle—no start, no end. I love you and I promise to be with you through the good stuff, the bad stuff, the hard stuff, and the boring stuff. If you get sick I'll take care of you, if you get scared I'll protect you. If someone tries to harm you I will guard you and keep you safe. You are the best piece of me. The piece of my soul I can see and hear and touch. You are the piece of me that I love best and most. Our lives have held some pretty great adventures, but I think this, right here, today, is the start of our best adventure yet. I am so proud to marry you and call you my husband, even though you already were the husband of my heart. I love you so much."

Tony stared at Gibbs in awe, not sure he'd ever heard so many words from him at once, and certainly not sure he'd ever heard that many sweet, loving, caring words about him all at once.

The preacher turned to Tony. "Your turn," he said.

Tony turned around and smiled as he watched Jimmy pull Gibbs' ring off of one of the bamboo branches and hand it to him. He held the ring up and he kissed it and then slowly slid it onto Jethro's finger. "I nearly lost myself a year and a half ago," he said quietly. "I nearly lost myself to grief and shame, fear and doubt. But you didn't let me drift. You stuck by me and you helped me to see and helped me to keep putting one foot in front of the other. You were my beacon of strength. I promise I'll do the same for you Jethro. I'll help you when you're lost, I'll always be your beacon home, because your home will always be with me. I promise to care for you when you need it, be with you when you're afraid, stand by you when you try to push me away, and I promise to be your rock. I promise to love you and be with you and to be the very best husband for you that I can be. I am so honored to marry you. We are going to have a beautiful life together, because our love is a beautiful and magical thing. Nothing can touch us or hurt us if we have each other. We've proven that we can survive anything. I love you Jethro."

Jethro didn't bother to stop the tears that ran from his eyes. Neither did Tony.

The preacher talked for a few moments more before he raised his hand. "In the name of God the Almighty, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, I now declare you to be husband and husband." He smiled. "Please. Kiss your groom."

Tony smiled then, the euphoria of the moment sweeping over him. Jethro cupped his face with his hands and leaned in. Tony put his hands on Jethro's hips and pulled him in close. The kiss they shared was more passionate and filled with love than anything anyone in attendance had ever seen. "Ladies and Gentlemen," he declared. "I would like to introduce this newly married couple to you!" Everyone broke into wild applause when Tony and Jethro kissed. Above them, a lone dove flew in the sky, cooing gently on the breeze.

Gibbs and Tony looked up and smiled at the bird. Then they looked at each other. "Kate," they said simultaneously, and wrapped themselves up in each other again.

It was just as Tony had hoped. Everything was most definitely perfect.

xxx

That evening, Senior put everyone up at the house again. What had been a nice ceremony turned into a very entertaining reception, and was shaping up to be the world's greatest slumber party. It was a hot day in mid-June and most of Senior's guests drifted towards the swimming pool. The old man smiled at Jackson, standing at the door beside him, and nodded. "Think it's time?" he asked.

Jackson looked out at all of their smiling children and nodded. "Definitely time," he said.

Because Gibbs and Tony had been living together for so long, thinking up creative wedding gifts for the pair had proven difficult for all of the guests.

Palmer and Breena got them a new set of pint glasses and a new movie rack.

Ducky bought them a towel warmer for their bathroom.

Abby and McGee were putting together scrapbooks—both paper pictures and videos—for them.

Cheryl's gift had made everyone but Tony and Gibbs scratch their heads. The long package was nearly flat, with a card attached to it. Tony had pulled the card off and read out loud: "You can find the answers if you work together." Tony had glanced at Gibbs and they both smiled at Cheryl. When they opened the large pack of markers both men chuckled.

"Hey Jethro," Tony'd said. "I bet we could make a stand for this—you know, get some funky way to display these markers. I bet you could make something to hold 'em! And we could hang 'em up!" He'd flipped the markers over and his eyes rounded when he saw the gift card taped to the back of the pack. The gift card was for the local paint store. They'd mentioned in one of their therapy sessions that they were thinking about creating a room that was only theirs, that only they would see. It would be their special room—their private space to connect with each other and leave the rest of the world for a while. The implication of that gift was very moving to both of the grooms.

Fornell's gift, like Cheryl's, was a bit on the practical side. He'd gotten them a gift certificate to the hardware store where Jethro bought all of his woodworking supplies—wood, connectors, and such. The card that accompanied the certificate merely said, "Giving you a head start on your next project."

Senior and Jack had held their gift back, telling them that it wasn't time to give it to them yet. Jethro and Tony had both given them strange looks, but hadn't argued, instead continued to party with their friends. Now the two older men watched as their children and friends one by one started to get out of the pool. Ducky joined them at the glass paned door. "Gentlemen I do appreciate such a wonderful gathering," he praised. "Mr. DiNozzo, you in particular, have been most gracious to offer up your home for us these last two days."

"It's been my pleasure, Dr. Mallard," Senior responded.

Ducky smiled. "Please. Call me Ducky. All my friends do." Senior smiled then, grateful to be included in their circle. "I believe I overheard you all mentioning something about with holding your gift from the boys until the time is right," he stated.

"That's right," Jackson said. "Though if I know Tony," he chuckled, "we're going to want to give them enough time to get their things together."

A short while later, with towels wrapped around everyone to keep them warm and covered, Jethro and Tony were sitting together, cuddled up in a chaise lounge, listening to their friends talk. It really had been the most perfect day either of them could have imagined—right down to the perfect little cupcake wedding cake that Abby had made for them. She'd made them a yin-yang style design with the cupcakes—half of them vanilla with chocolate frosting and the other half chocolate with vanilla frosting. The symbolism and thought that had gone into the cake was not lost on Tony and Jethro, who both really loved the cake. And by doing both flavors, Abby had managed to capture each of their favorites: Gibbs preferred the chocolate cupcakes with vanilla icing on them, while Tony preferred the vanilla cupcakes with the chocolate frosting.

Jethro and Tony both smiled lazily when their dads walked out onto the pool deck with them. "Boys," Senior said. "Jackson and I…well we realized we haven't given you your wedding present yet."

"Dad you don't have to get us anything," Tony protested, "Just letting us be here was plenty of—"

"Nonsense," Jackson cut him off. "We wanted to."

"We?" Jethro asked. "As in, the both of you? Together?"

"Yes," the two fathers answered together.

"You really are doing too much," Tony said softly.

Senior and Jackson each held out an envelope. The one addressed to Tony came from Jackson, while the one for Jethro came from Senior. Tony and Jethro took their envelopes and furrowed their eyebrows at each other, wondering what their fathers had done.

"Want to open them together?" Gibbs asked.

"Sure," Tony said, sitting up a bit.

Together, the ripped open the envelopes, both of them unaware of the wonderful surprise that lay inside waiting for them.

xxx

_Three Days Later_

Gibbs stood on the balcony and smiled as the sun rose. He took a long, satisfying sip of coffee and greeted the day with a long deep breath. He looked around and still couldn't believe it. For their wedding present, Jackson and Senior had combined their efforts and resources to give them an all expenses paid trip to Hawaii for two weeks. They'd arrived yesterday in time for a wonderful dinner and dancing on the beach, courtesy of the resort where they were staying.

Turning around, Gibbs peered through the white gauzy curtains at the beautiful sight in the bed. Tony was lying flat on his back, one arm folded up near his face, lips slightly parted, sound asleep. God he looked good enough to eat. Gibbs' chest swelled when he thought back to that rainy night last year when Tony had proposed to him in their front yard. He smiled when he thought about the wonderful wedding celebration they'd had. The entire weekend had been filled with wonderful treats and surprises. And this…now…Gibbs thought maybe he'd died and gone to heaven.

In fact, he just couldn't resist any longer. He had to kiss Tony. He needed him like he needed the air.

He moved slowly up on to the bed, taking extra care not to wake his husband just yet. He stayed on his hands and knees and stared down at Tony lying beneath him. Memories washed over him, of the first time they met, the first time they kissed, the first time they…He recalled the changes that Tony had undergone during the past couple of years, and all of the progress he'd made. Their lives were entirely different, 180 degrees from where they'd been, but they were happy. There'd been some heartache along the way, but they'd come out of it alright, and they'd gotten through it together.

Gibbs smiled. "Tooony," he murmured softly. He leaned down and kissed the soft skin of Tony's wrist. Tony stirred a little bit, but quickly resettled. "Toooony," he murmured, just a little bit louder, and this time his lips drifted to the bare chest beneath him. He kissed slowly down Tony's sternum and smiled against the tanned skin when a sleepy hand settled on the back of his head.

"Give ya a million years and a day to stop," Tony mumbled, still mostly asleep.

"Like it better if you woke up and wanted to play too," Gibbs said softly, nipping the skin near the waistband of Tony's shorts.

Tony's breath hitched slightly and Gibbs smiled wider when he saw the bulge in the shorts begin to grow. The hand on the back of Jethro's head tightened slightly and Gibbs breathed out a laugh. "I love you so much," he breathed. "Tony…" he looked up at the younger man. Tony's eyes were slits of molten emerald.

"Yeah?"

Gibbs crawled back up Tony's body until he was looking his husband right in the eye. "I love you so much," he said louder, more sincerely than he'd said it a moment earlier.

Tony reached up and brushed his fingers over Jethro's cheek. "I love you so much too," he said with a smile. "I…Jethro…can we…"

"Can we what?" Gibbs breathed.

"Will you make love to me?" Tony whispered.

Gibbs thought his heart might fly out of his chest. "Are you sure?" he asked. "I mean you know I want to…but…"

"But I've waited long enough," Tony said. "You've spent all this time showing me over and over again how much I can trust you. And now I want to show you. I DO trust you. I love you. I trust you with my life. And…" Tony looked at Jethro's lips and licked his own. "I trust you with my body."

Gibbs lunged himself on Tony then, his mouth devouring Tony's. Tony gave as well as he got, their tongues dueling for dominance, fingers scrabbling over each other's body trying to explore every inch, years of built up sexual desire pouring out all at once. Gibbs ground their hips together until Tony whimpered with need beneath him, the shorts now tight and restraining against Tony's body.

"Got you," Gibbs breathed, hooking his fingers on Tony's shorts and pulling them free, before shucking his own shorts. Tony groaned at their body heat between them until Gibbs stopped, hovering just over Tony's body. "Tony," he whispered, panting for breath.

"Mmm?" Tony's eyes were closed and he was panting for breath as well.

"Are you alright?" Gibbs kissed Tony's jaw.

"I'd be better if you'd let Little Jethro have some action," Tony replied with a cheeky grin.

"Do…do you want me to use a condom?" Gibbs asked.

Tony had gone for the required checkups and bloodwork religiously. He'd not missed or rescheduled one appointment. Much to their relief, he'd always tested negative for any illnesses to haunt him after his rape. Jeffrey White was now truly dead. He was gone. He couldn't hurt Tony anymore.

Tony looked at him for a long moment, debating. "No," he finally said softly. "But use lots of lube," he requested.

Gibbs kissed him. "Anything you want." He reached for the bedside table drawer and smiled when he pulled out a tube of the same kind of lube he and Tony had always used. He squirted a liberal amount onto his fingers and rubbed them together to warm them a bit. He wanted Tony completely relaxed. He didn't want this to hurt in the slightest. He would spend a long time prepping him, and then hopefully a long time making love to him.

Tony stared up at his husband, wondering what he was thinking. He had the happiest look on his face, not smiling, but a look of pure bliss on his features, and Tony wondered if he was the reason for it. "Do you know how fucking sexy you are?" he murmured to Jethro in his best bedroom voice. Jethro shivered at his words. Tony wrapped a leg around Jethro's hips to give the older man better access to his ass. He stared deep into Jethro's eyes. "I trust you," he said again. "I trust you and I love you—and I want you to take me Jethro. I want you to make love to me."

Gibbs began prepping him then, wiggling and scissoring his fingers, slowly adding digits until Tony was a squirming quivering mass beneath him. Tony's penis was rock hard and leaking generously. Gibbs was careful not to stimulate him too much—he didn't want the party to end before they even got started.

Tony leaned up and kissed Jethro again, nibbling on the older man's lower lip playfully. "Jethrooo," he said, his voice taking on a sing-song tone.

"Yeah?" Gibbs was concentrating on his task.

"You're thinking too hard," Tony said, running his fingers through Jethro's hair. Blue eyes slid shut momentarily and Tony smiled as the look of relaxation crossed his husband's face. He tugged Jethro closer to him. "Jethro," he whispered hotly.

"Yes," Gibbs whispered back.

Tony kissed him. "Do me a favor?" he whispered.

"Anything…anything you want. I'll do anything for you," Gibbs said softly.

"Talk to me?" Tony requested.

Gibbs stopped for a moment and stared down at him, sweat already dripping on his forehead. "Are you ok?" he asked. "Do we need to slow down? Do you want to stop?"

"NO!" Tony said, pushing himself up on his elbows. "I don't want to stop! Not at all! But…just keep talking to me…helps me keep my head in the game ya know?"

"I hear ya Tony," Gibbs said. He didn't know what he'd talk about, but he'd do whatever was necessary to help Tony. "I'll keep talking but you gotta tell me if we need to stop or change or backup ok?"

"Ok," Tony breathed. "I can do that. Just please…whatever it is you're doing," his eyelids fluttered with pleasure. "Pleaseeee…don't…stop…"

Gibbs continued prepping Tony for several minutes, murmuring to him the whole time. "You know," he said after a couple of minutes. "I um…I'm kinda nervous too," Jethro admitted.

Tony blinked up at him. "Really?"

Jethro kissed him. "Really. I want this to be perfect. Start to finish and beyond, all of it."

Tony cupped Gibbs' face in his hands. "Look at me," he said.

Gibbs stared into Tony's bright green eyes. "We're in this together. We are each going to get whatever we need here ok? That's how I want it."

Gibbs kissed him. "Then that's what you'll get," he said. "You ready?"

Tony nodded beneath him. "I trust you," he whispered. He let out a long breath, forcing himself to relax.

Gibbs slid their bodies together, and he fit like a glove. Like he belonged there.

It felt like he'd come home.

"I love you," Gibbs gasped. He kept an eye on Tony, talking to him softly as he slowly moved in and out. This went on for an impressive amount of time, before Tony suddenly wanted more. He wrapped his legs around Jethro's hips, drawing him in deeper.

"I love you," Tony gasped. "I love you love you so much oh God I can't believe how much I love you Jethro I love you!"

Gibbs groaned at the suddenness of Tony's enthusiasm. He hadn't expected to be pulled deeper in to his husband's body, but he was happy to make the journey. And then Tony suddenly tightened on him, a wickedly passionate smiled on his face and Gibbs knew he was going to lose it.

"Gonna cum Tony," he panted. "You ok? You sure you wanna keep going?"

"I'm sure," Tony gasped in response. "I have missed you—missed this—missed US for so long…oh God shit fuck I'm losing it too…"

Their bodies erupted like passionate volcanoes filled with lust and love for the other.

After what seemed like an eternity, Gibbs collapsed down on Tony's naked body, enjoying the morning coolness on their bodies and the sheets. He looked at Tony and smiled.

"That was amazing," Tony whispered.

"Yes you were," Gibbs countered and smiled when Tony blushed. "What do you want to do for the rest of the day?"

Tony rolled them over gently so he was on top and he balanced his head on his hand, his elbow just above Gibbs' shoulder. "Eat breakfast then do it again?" he asked.

Gibbs smiled and rolled them back over. "Sounds good to me Tony. I love you."

"I love you too Jethro."

Their lives weren't perfect, but they were pretty damn close. Tony leaned up and kissed Jethro with a smile on his face. He recalled the words Jethro had spoken when he gave his vows. About love being like a circle. It had no starting point; it had no end; it merely was. He reached one hand up and with one finger traced a circle on Jethro's back.

Jethro recognized the circle and what it meant. He leaned down and kissed Tony on the nose. "I love you too Tony," he said softly.

Tony smiled. He knew with certainty that Jethro was speaking the truth. He traced more circles on Jethro's back and giggled when Jethro leaned down to nibble on his neck.

Perhaps breakfast could wait.

The End


End file.
